How do I wedding dress?
October 20, 2015 3:01 PM Subscribe
Please help me navigate all aspects of the dreaded pit of death and money that is wedding dress shopping. Difficulty level: eating disorder history
I am to be married this summer (date/location not yet firm, but probably on the beach in the Pacific Northwest, and probably in July or August). I am quite pleased about this.
Apparently, I will require a dress for this event. The thought of the process of procuring one fills me with terror and panic and all sorts of bad juju feelings that are kind of killing my post-engagement buzz. I do want to have a nice dress for the ceremony, and I would like to look and feel beautiful in it, so just saying "fuck it all" and wearing jeans is not a preferred option at this time...but I've been through the wedding dress shopping thing second hand for friends and sisters a few times, and sweet holy lord it is something I'm not super keen on engaging in. What are the best strategies for getting the dress of my dreams (which would be something in the realm of this one) without losing my mind and my soul to the special circle of hell known as the bridal boutique?
For reference, here are the things that worry me about the process:
1) I am bad at fashion. For reasons explained below, I have a very difficult time feeling that anything looks good on me, and as a result have no real sense of what suits me, what flatters me, and (to some extent) what I even like. Trying lots of styles on is more likely to result in me obsessing about my own flaws and why I failed to look good in the dress than usefully assessing what kind of dress I might want.
2) My fashionista friends, whose input and opinions I've relied on in the past to help me when I am unable to get out of my own head, are all far away in the city I used to live in. An ideal solution would be for me to go visit them and do the dress shopping in that city with their help, but that is pretty cost prohibitive.
3) I don't have friends in my current city whose opinion I trust enough or who I want to subject to this experience, but the idea of shopping alone for a wedding dress seems depressing as fuck.
4) I am not made of money. Most wedding dresses are priced as if they're sewn from pure unicorn tears. This troubles me. I would like to spend (much) less than $1000.
5) I have a history of eating disorders and body image issues. I do not do well with wraparound mirrors, and measurements, and tailoring, and people spending a lot of energy and effort looking at my body. The whole wedding dress experience thing seems like a nightmare of triggers and bad news, even before you factor in the whole culture of pre-wedding dieting and junk. I'm behavior free right now, and have been doing quite well for a while, but I am anxious about the relapse possibilities of this whole ordeal. I do not have a therapist in my current city.
6) I *think* I have a pretty clear idea of what I want (simple, 20s-inspired shilouette, interesting back, flowy and drapey), but I have wide hips and small breasts and am worried that those styles only look good on women shaped like Keira Knightley.
It seems to me like the solution is to maybe buy a dress online (bhldn has been recommended to me as a site with dresses that might fit both my budget and my aesthetic, other site recommendations welcome!) and then have it tailored somewhere....but it seems risky not to do the whole "try on a million dresses until one makes you cry" sort of song and dance, and I'm not sure a wedding dress is the kind of thing a fashion-impaired person like myself should be buying sight unseen...
So I what should I do? How can I find a balance of looking and feeling beautiful for the Big Day, without losing my mind to achieve that? I'm especially interested in encouragement/advice/experiences from other brides and brides-to-be with ED histories who have navigated this gauntlet successfully.
Thank you!
I am to be married this summer (date/location not yet firm, but probably on the beach in the Pacific Northwest, and probably in July or August). I am quite pleased about this.
Apparently, I will require a dress for this event. The thought of the process of procuring one fills me with terror and panic and all sorts of bad juju feelings that are kind of killing my post-engagement buzz. I do want to have a nice dress for the ceremony, and I would like to look and feel beautiful in it, so just saying "fuck it all" and wearing jeans is not a preferred option at this time...but I've been through the wedding dress shopping thing second hand for friends and sisters a few times, and sweet holy lord it is something I'm not super keen on engaging in. What are the best strategies for getting the dress of my dreams (which would be something in the realm of this one) without losing my mind and my soul to the special circle of hell known as the bridal boutique?
For reference, here are the things that worry me about the process:
1) I am bad at fashion. For reasons explained below, I have a very difficult time feeling that anything looks good on me, and as a result have no real sense of what suits me, what flatters me, and (to some extent) what I even like. Trying lots of styles on is more likely to result in me obsessing about my own flaws and why I failed to look good in the dress than usefully assessing what kind of dress I might want.
2) My fashionista friends, whose input and opinions I've relied on in the past to help me when I am unable to get out of my own head, are all far away in the city I used to live in. An ideal solution would be for me to go visit them and do the dress shopping in that city with their help, but that is pretty cost prohibitive.
3) I don't have friends in my current city whose opinion I trust enough or who I want to subject to this experience, but the idea of shopping alone for a wedding dress seems depressing as fuck.
4) I am not made of money. Most wedding dresses are priced as if they're sewn from pure unicorn tears. This troubles me. I would like to spend (much) less than $1000.
5) I have a history of eating disorders and body image issues. I do not do well with wraparound mirrors, and measurements, and tailoring, and people spending a lot of energy and effort looking at my body. The whole wedding dress experience thing seems like a nightmare of triggers and bad news, even before you factor in the whole culture of pre-wedding dieting and junk. I'm behavior free right now, and have been doing quite well for a while, but I am anxious about the relapse possibilities of this whole ordeal. I do not have a therapist in my current city.
6) I *think* I have a pretty clear idea of what I want (simple, 20s-inspired shilouette, interesting back, flowy and drapey), but I have wide hips and small breasts and am worried that those styles only look good on women shaped like Keira Knightley.
It seems to me like the solution is to maybe buy a dress online (bhldn has been recommended to me as a site with dresses that might fit both my budget and my aesthetic, other site recommendations welcome!) and then have it tailored somewhere....but it seems risky not to do the whole "try on a million dresses until one makes you cry" sort of song and dance, and I'm not sure a wedding dress is the kind of thing a fashion-impaired person like myself should be buying sight unseen...
So I what should I do? How can I find a balance of looking and feeling beautiful for the Big Day, without losing my mind to achieve that? I'm especially interested in encouragement/advice/experiences from other brides and brides-to-be with ED histories who have navigated this gauntlet successfully.
Thank you!
Best answer: As someone with some similar (but not identical) issues, I just went through similar and lived to tell about it. You are definitely overthinking this. I had major anxiety about finding a dress too. Lots of past ugly duckling type situations, failed past relationships with their emotionally damaging judgements about my body and other past body shaming pretty much made me into a nervous wreck.
I went wedding dress shopping alone and it was actually kind of awesome. I was so worried that it would seem weird or I had something to be ashamed of or something, but it was the polar opposite experience and ended up being really positive and empowering!
The dress lady assigned to my appointment was amazing to have for honest advice because she didn't know me and think about it...they deal with that stuff all damn day. They are experts in knowing what makes you look fabulous. I did not regret this for one moment because I didn't have to deal with drama or other people's emotional hang ups or expectations about what my wedding dress should look like. I left that appointment EXCITED. It was intoxicating!
I chose my dress and had it built for me and when it came, it was a true surprise on my wedding day to my guests. I loved it and that's what really mattered, and anyone passing judgement to a brides face on her wedding day is a Grade A asshole.
Don't discount going by yourself. It's not really a huge deal that everyone makes it out to be and its a great first step in learning not to give a rat's ass about other people's expectations of YOU. I feel sorry for those who need the approval of an entourage now, that would have really created a completely unnecessary headache.
posted by floweredfish at 3:19 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I went wedding dress shopping alone and it was actually kind of awesome. I was so worried that it would seem weird or I had something to be ashamed of or something, but it was the polar opposite experience and ended up being really positive and empowering!
The dress lady assigned to my appointment was amazing to have for honest advice because she didn't know me and think about it...they deal with that stuff all damn day. They are experts in knowing what makes you look fabulous. I did not regret this for one moment because I didn't have to deal with drama or other people's emotional hang ups or expectations about what my wedding dress should look like. I left that appointment EXCITED. It was intoxicating!
I chose my dress and had it built for me and when it came, it was a true surprise on my wedding day to my guests. I loved it and that's what really mattered, and anyone passing judgement to a brides face on her wedding day is a Grade A asshole.
Don't discount going by yourself. It's not really a huge deal that everyone makes it out to be and its a great first step in learning not to give a rat's ass about other people's expectations of YOU. I feel sorry for those who need the approval of an entourage now, that would have really created a completely unnecessary headache.
posted by floweredfish at 3:19 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Congratulations! Wedding dress shopping was one of my favorite parts of wedding planning because I love dresses. However, it would be helpful for you to know these two things, though these may be more helpful if you do not have a dress made.
1) Wedding dress sizes run smaller than casual clothing. My dress was at least two sizes bigger than my size at the time.
2) I had three dress fittings. At my first one, the dress was big on me, which makes sense because they take it in and hem it so it looks great on me. However, at the second fitting, whoa, the dress was a lot more snug. I hadn't gained weight but they just started taking it in so of course it fit more closely. But it did take me by surprise.
I don't think you have to worry about not being a fashionista. You're not shopping for something that's on-trend, you're looking for something that makes you feel amazing and beautiful. I don't know how committed you are to A Wedding Dress but I always thought, if I see something at Nordstrom's or Macy's that works, I'll go for it. You don't have to wear A Certified Wedding Dress. If you find something that you love and it's short and/or blue or whatever, go for it. One friend I know wore a bridesmaid's dress. Another got her dress at Ann Taylor. They're both still married.
Is there anything that you can do to psych yourself up and get excited before you go dress shopping? Listen to fun music? Have a drink or two? I don't know how this works but sometimes I get in a zone where I am productive and I can easily get rid of stuff in my closet or throw stuff out without dwelling so much over each thing. If you can get to that kind of place, I'd go shopping from there. Dresses can be scary because they're expensive but you're in charge here. You get to say, "I hate this one" or "I would never wear this anywhere." The dresses don't talk back.
Do you have your venue picked out? Some dresses make more sense for a given venue. My dress had a train which I wanted to get rid of but it was extra but I got married in a garden so it was silly to have the train. But also, my dress was light and cheerful and young-ish and it made me feel that way at the wedding which was fun - I didn't want something that weighed me down.
I know dress shopping alone sounds rough but I did it once at the Filene's sale and it was okay just to walk around. My mom died years before my wedding and I was a little sad she couldn't pick out a dress with me but once that option was out the window, it was a little more free-ing to try stuff on. It already wasn't going to be a "Say Yes to the Dress" style thing where my mom and I cry so it could be whatever I wanted it to be. Also, it's just a dress. I know, I know, but it is just a dress. And you're going to look amazing no matter what because You're The Bride. I can't think of a time I've been to a wedding and thought that the bride looked bad in her dress because all of them were just happy.
If you're interested in building a dress, can you do that with a fashion-inclined friend holding your hand? That might make it less scary. You can also try a bunch on just to get a feel for what you like and don't like. It's great that you have an idea of the silhouette that you want but do you have any dresses right now in your possession that you love? Maybe start there as a jumping off point. If it's a tank dress or has cap sleeves or whatever, see how wedding dresses like that appeal to you.
Apologies for writing a novel but I hope this is helpful! Best wishes - remember that everyone who will see you in whatever dress you pick out loves you and is very happy for you.
posted by kat518 at 3:25 PM on October 20, 2015
1) Wedding dress sizes run smaller than casual clothing. My dress was at least two sizes bigger than my size at the time.
2) I had three dress fittings. At my first one, the dress was big on me, which makes sense because they take it in and hem it so it looks great on me. However, at the second fitting, whoa, the dress was a lot more snug. I hadn't gained weight but they just started taking it in so of course it fit more closely. But it did take me by surprise.
I don't think you have to worry about not being a fashionista. You're not shopping for something that's on-trend, you're looking for something that makes you feel amazing and beautiful. I don't know how committed you are to A Wedding Dress but I always thought, if I see something at Nordstrom's or Macy's that works, I'll go for it. You don't have to wear A Certified Wedding Dress. If you find something that you love and it's short and/or blue or whatever, go for it. One friend I know wore a bridesmaid's dress. Another got her dress at Ann Taylor. They're both still married.
Is there anything that you can do to psych yourself up and get excited before you go dress shopping? Listen to fun music? Have a drink or two? I don't know how this works but sometimes I get in a zone where I am productive and I can easily get rid of stuff in my closet or throw stuff out without dwelling so much over each thing. If you can get to that kind of place, I'd go shopping from there. Dresses can be scary because they're expensive but you're in charge here. You get to say, "I hate this one" or "I would never wear this anywhere." The dresses don't talk back.
Do you have your venue picked out? Some dresses make more sense for a given venue. My dress had a train which I wanted to get rid of but it was extra but I got married in a garden so it was silly to have the train. But also, my dress was light and cheerful and young-ish and it made me feel that way at the wedding which was fun - I didn't want something that weighed me down.
I know dress shopping alone sounds rough but I did it once at the Filene's sale and it was okay just to walk around. My mom died years before my wedding and I was a little sad she couldn't pick out a dress with me but once that option was out the window, it was a little more free-ing to try stuff on. It already wasn't going to be a "Say Yes to the Dress" style thing where my mom and I cry so it could be whatever I wanted it to be. Also, it's just a dress. I know, I know, but it is just a dress. And you're going to look amazing no matter what because You're The Bride. I can't think of a time I've been to a wedding and thought that the bride looked bad in her dress because all of them were just happy.
If you're interested in building a dress, can you do that with a fashion-inclined friend holding your hand? That might make it less scary. You can also try a bunch on just to get a feel for what you like and don't like. It's great that you have an idea of the silhouette that you want but do you have any dresses right now in your possession that you love? Maybe start there as a jumping off point. If it's a tank dress or has cap sleeves or whatever, see how wedding dresses like that appeal to you.
Apologies for writing a novel but I hope this is helpful! Best wishes - remember that everyone who will see you in whatever dress you pick out loves you and is very happy for you.
posted by kat518 at 3:25 PM on October 20, 2015
Since you linked to a green dress, I'm curious if you are set on a white "wedding gown" or whether you'd be happy with a pretty dress that doesn't scream "bridal"! If the latter, you have a lot more options and they will probably be more cost effective too. I tried on a lot of dresses labeled as "bridesmaid" or "reception" dresses -- both tend to be less fancy and more budget-friendly, both of which I was looking for. I also gave the salon a strict budget and then ONLY tried on dresses that were within that budget. I ended up spending $350, so it can be done!
In terms of the salon experience, I went to an independent salon with Yelp reviews that indicated they were great working with non-size-0 women. Although I'm not plus-size, I'm also not a size-0 and similar to you had heard horrors about the treatment of women's appearance, weight, etc. in salons. But, it is not impossible to find a place that does not take that approach (if you are near the Bay Area - I can pass on a recommendation!). Even with the good reviews, I did bring along a friend and filled her in ahead of time on my concerns over being asked whether I was going to lose weight, etc. Although it was not needed, I knew she was in my corner on that and would be the one to defend me/tell the salon consultant to shut up if needed (so I wouldn't be on the spot to do that). This helped a lot!
Finally, I would recommend bringing a friend even if not for fashion advice. The friend I brought took lots of photos of each "candidate", and then I was able to send these to bridesmaids/mom for their feedback. Although my friend did have good advice on styles, she was mostly there for moral support, backing me up to make sure I was sticking to my pre-stated principles (on budget, making sure the staff didn't make me feel bad about weight, etc.), and helping take photos. If you have a good friend who you just don't want to go with because you trust others' fashion advice more, I can recommend this model!
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:25 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
In terms of the salon experience, I went to an independent salon with Yelp reviews that indicated they were great working with non-size-0 women. Although I'm not plus-size, I'm also not a size-0 and similar to you had heard horrors about the treatment of women's appearance, weight, etc. in salons. But, it is not impossible to find a place that does not take that approach (if you are near the Bay Area - I can pass on a recommendation!). Even with the good reviews, I did bring along a friend and filled her in ahead of time on my concerns over being asked whether I was going to lose weight, etc. Although it was not needed, I knew she was in my corner on that and would be the one to defend me/tell the salon consultant to shut up if needed (so I wouldn't be on the spot to do that). This helped a lot!
Finally, I would recommend bringing a friend even if not for fashion advice. The friend I brought took lots of photos of each "candidate", and then I was able to send these to bridesmaids/mom for their feedback. Although my friend did have good advice on styles, she was mostly there for moral support, backing me up to make sure I was sticking to my pre-stated principles (on budget, making sure the staff didn't make me feel bad about weight, etc.), and helping take photos. If you have a good friend who you just don't want to go with because you trust others' fashion advice more, I can recommend this model!
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:25 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I had sort of the same feelings as you about bridal salons, (and bonus, I am gay so the added layer of "will I get an ignorant or homophobic salesperson") but I knew I wanted/needed to actually try some on, so off I went to Davids Bridal. And it was actually fine.
I was very up front about my budget and what I wanted/ didn't want, and my salesgirls were great. The first one even suggested I try on what ended up being my dress, though it was not at all what I had thought I would like. Yes, Davids Bridal is kind of the Wal-Mart of bridal salons, but when you really just want someone to shove you in some dresses and not really care too much about making a sale, because hell, they move through 100 brides a day... they are probably a way better bet than a foofier salon that will try to sell you on Special Princess Unicorn Day.
but it seems risky not to do the whole "try on a million dresses until one makes you cry" sort of song and dance,
I know this is in all the movies, but it doesn't have to be like that. I tried on six dresses, I think. The one that the salesgirl picked for me was the one. I didn't cry - my wife was with me and I don't think she did either. But we both said "yeah, I really like this one" , went home and thought about it, and went back a few days later to buy it. I dithered about whether I "should" be trying on more , but in the end I said, this is pretty and I like it, and I honestly want the decision to be made. And I just looked at my wedding photos and my dress looked amazing.
posted by nakedmolerats at 3:28 PM on October 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was very up front about my budget and what I wanted/ didn't want, and my salesgirls were great. The first one even suggested I try on what ended up being my dress, though it was not at all what I had thought I would like. Yes, Davids Bridal is kind of the Wal-Mart of bridal salons, but when you really just want someone to shove you in some dresses and not really care too much about making a sale, because hell, they move through 100 brides a day... they are probably a way better bet than a foofier salon that will try to sell you on Special Princess Unicorn Day.
but it seems risky not to do the whole "try on a million dresses until one makes you cry" sort of song and dance,
I know this is in all the movies, but it doesn't have to be like that. I tried on six dresses, I think. The one that the salesgirl picked for me was the one. I didn't cry - my wife was with me and I don't think she did either. But we both said "yeah, I really like this one" , went home and thought about it, and went back a few days later to buy it. I dithered about whether I "should" be trying on more , but in the end I said, this is pretty and I like it, and I honestly want the decision to be made. And I just looked at my wedding photos and my dress looked amazing.
posted by nakedmolerats at 3:28 PM on October 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I bought my dress off the rack (from David's Bridal actually). It felt fine on me, so I didn't bother with any alterations. I could of had the top tightened a smidge and hemmed a few inches, but honestly I wasn't willing to put more money into a one time dress. Mostly what I want to say is if having people measure you and looking in mirrors is stressing you out, just skip it. If the dress feels right, then the dress is right.
posted by florencetnoa at 3:35 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by florencetnoa at 3:35 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I walked in to David's Bridal, picked a ($150) pretty sparkly sky-blue bridesmaid dress off the rack, and that was it. You can do this however you want, and you don't have to try on a million dresses.
Check out modcloth - they definitely would have some contenders!
posted by jrobin276 at 3:41 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Check out modcloth - they definitely would have some contenders!
posted by jrobin276 at 3:41 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yeah, just nthing that I didn't cry either. Trying on a lot of dresses in front of an entourage would have made me cry though!
posted by jrobin276 at 3:44 PM on October 20, 2015
posted by jrobin276 at 3:44 PM on October 20, 2015
Best answer: Yes, find the right seamstress and have it made!
I love the dress you linked to. It's one I remember too.
The seamstress can help you figure out how to make the detailing work right for your body. And it will be totally custom and fit perfectly. You can even spec the fabric so it's exactly what you want.
posted by littlewater at 3:46 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I love the dress you linked to. It's one I remember too.
The seamstress can help you figure out how to make the detailing work right for your body. And it will be totally custom and fit perfectly. You can even spec the fabric so it's exactly what you want.
posted by littlewater at 3:46 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
That 20s inspired style was very popular in 2011, when I was shopping for wedding dresses. (It's what I ended up loving!) If you find an older gown you like, you might check resale sites like preownedweddingdresses.com. Or you could find a picture and use it as a model for a custom dress.
There are also lots of etsy and eBay vendors who make celebrity and costume knockoffs who could make to measure that Atonement dress or a similar era piece in white (maybe look for Downton Abbey or Great Gatsby styles).
posted by amber_dale at 3:54 PM on October 20, 2015
There are also lots of etsy and eBay vendors who make celebrity and costume knockoffs who could make to measure that Atonement dress or a similar era piece in white (maybe look for Downton Abbey or Great Gatsby styles).
posted by amber_dale at 3:54 PM on October 20, 2015
Yeah, if you're doing something non-traditional I'd find something that fit well off-the-rack (slightly larger is better than slightly too small) and take it to a tailor. I think it's totally fine to say, "Hey, I don't want to know the measurements or my body measurements, just please make it fit perfect." A lot of the time they'll just pin things TO your body to get a snug fit rather than focusing on numbers.
To be honest, my dress was from the prom section at Dillards (an ivory knee length cocktail dress) and it needed no alterations and fit like a glove. I think with a draping look like that you may just need something as small as taking up the hem or taking up the straps.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:55 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
To be honest, my dress was from the prom section at Dillards (an ivory knee length cocktail dress) and it needed no alterations and fit like a glove. I think with a draping look like that you may just need something as small as taking up the hem or taking up the straps.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:55 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I found a dress I liked online, in my approximate size (a little bigger) and had it shipped to me. I took it to a tailor who pinned it in the right places as I wore it and marked where it had to be shortened. There was no measuring, just pinning. It was faaaar less than S1,000, even with the veil.
posted by zennie at 4:16 PM on October 20, 2015
posted by zennie at 4:16 PM on October 20, 2015
Best answer: I don't know anything about having dresses made, but in case you opt for Ideefixe's suggestion of doing so, I tried to do some digging about that green dress you linked (from Atonement, right?), and I found this link going into a lot of detail about that particular dress's construction. The link also mentions a 2001 Vogue Pattern (7387) that could be adapted to make that dress, but the link is dead and I didn't easily find one to buy from a legitimate source. But maybe that's a place to start?
posted by joan cusack the second at 4:18 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by joan cusack the second at 4:18 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I wanted to have my dress made, and had a brilliant, researched, footnoted, historical plan, and then Things Happened and there wasn't time. So I kept an eye on the now-available page at a nearby wedding consignment shop, http://www.blueskybridal.com/ in my case, and when two things looked acceptable I went in to try a bunch of things on by myself, and one of the ones I liked online worked. (A slinky 1930s nearly backless number, as it happens! Which I am still happy with. I have sturdy peasant hips. It was fine.) They recommended a local seamstress who tightened it up perfectly.
If I were having such a dress made, I'd insist on a seamstress who had already done bias-cut silk that I liked. It's infamously unlike other sewing, and redone ripply seams show.
posted by clew at 4:27 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I were having such a dress made, I'd insist on a seamstress who had already done bias-cut silk that I liked. It's infamously unlike other sewing, and redone ripply seams show.
posted by clew at 4:27 PM on October 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's from a year ago, but this AskMe might give you some leads if you're set on a dress like the one from Atonement.
posted by jabes at 4:30 PM on October 20, 2015
posted by jabes at 4:30 PM on October 20, 2015
Best answer: I just want to jump in and say you can do anything you want. Does it have to be the typical white dress? If not just pick up a pretty dress next time you see one you like. You have lots of time. I got married recently and wore a pretty blue dress I randomly found while window shopping one day and it was only like $120. Don't feel pressured to go crazy with this just because it's your wedding. You write that you want to get the dress of your dreams - but you may be placing too much expectation and weight on that. It's just a dress. Pick one you are comfortable in and go with it. During my ceremony all I could think about was how happy I was and how comfortable and loved I felt. I never gave my non traditional dress choice a second thought and neither did anyone else. Good luck and, breathe!
posted by FireFountain at 4:34 PM on October 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by FireFountain at 4:34 PM on October 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: For my first wedding, I went with a $30 dress that, later, I was able to wear to work. It was great. I have no regrets.
For my second wedding, I had a dress custom made, for less than $1,000, and it made me feel like a princess all night. It was a great process - I picked out every aspect that I liked/wanted and the designer suggested things that she thought would be flattering and.. ta-da! Dress! I have no fashion sense. I have body image issues and had an eating disorder for a long time. I don't really want to spend time around people who are chatting about my body. Custom - it was MUCH less expensive than you'd imagine and it doesn't involve trying on various sizes, obsessing over why [x body part] doesn't fit into a particular style of dress, or even knowing your measurements. It took three fittings in total - one to do measurements and talk, one to do a preliminary fit and make adjustments, and then the final appointment to make sure it was perfect. SO EASY.
posted by VioletU at 4:39 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
For my second wedding, I had a dress custom made, for less than $1,000, and it made me feel like a princess all night. It was a great process - I picked out every aspect that I liked/wanted and the designer suggested things that she thought would be flattering and.. ta-da! Dress! I have no fashion sense. I have body image issues and had an eating disorder for a long time. I don't really want to spend time around people who are chatting about my body. Custom - it was MUCH less expensive than you'd imagine and it doesn't involve trying on various sizes, obsessing over why [x body part] doesn't fit into a particular style of dress, or even knowing your measurements. It took three fittings in total - one to do measurements and talk, one to do a preliminary fit and make adjustments, and then the final appointment to make sure it was perfect. SO EASY.
posted by VioletU at 4:39 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
My sister just went ahead and bought a cheap dress from China and had it altered. With alterations it was still only about $200.
posted by Peregrine Pickle at 4:50 PM on October 20, 2015
posted by Peregrine Pickle at 4:50 PM on October 20, 2015
I am not a small-sized person whatsoever.
For my wedding outfit, I picked out this fun long black skirt from an Etsy seller and a fun blue wrap top from a different Etsy seller. They were just fun, and fit my personality, and fit the day, and I've worn them both again. Total was ~$200?
Basically:
Do what you want and makes you feel beautiful. You absolutely do not need to buy a specific "wedding" dress, nor do you have to do the tryonamilionsonganddanceuntilyoucry. It's ok.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 5:16 PM on October 20, 2015
For my wedding outfit, I picked out this fun long black skirt from an Etsy seller and a fun blue wrap top from a different Etsy seller. They were just fun, and fit my personality, and fit the day, and I've worn them both again. Total was ~$200?
Basically:
Do what you want and makes you feel beautiful. You absolutely do not need to buy a specific "wedding" dress, nor do you have to do the tryonamilionsonganddanceuntilyoucry. It's ok.
posted by Ms Vegetable at 5:16 PM on October 20, 2015
I, too, went to David's Bridal. I only brought a few people along, so less stress that way. Don't worry about whoever you bring along being "a fashionista". If something looks good or bad on you, almost anybody will be able to tell you. I had picked out a few styles I liked on their website to try out. I tried on maybe 4 that I picked out, and a few more the sales girl brought me. One of the ones the sales girl brought me ended up being The One. I didn't cry, but I definitely felt like a princess. You'll know.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:12 PM on October 20, 2015
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:12 PM on October 20, 2015
Nthing that you can do whatever you like and whatever makes you feel good! Here's my tale:
I went to David's Bridal with a couple of girlfriends for the dress for my second wedding. I liked one, ordered it and thought I was done. When it arrived and I went in for my first fitting, I burst into tears. It felt completely wrong. The dress was fine, I looked good, but it was all "wrong". I left the store and sat in my car and sobbed. It was 3-4 weeks before the wedding and I thought I was screwed.
When I finally calmed down, I thought about what I wanted, what I really wanted. I decided that the only one stopping me from getting another dress was me. My mom wasn't paying for it (the David's Bridal dress was less than $300 anyway) - I was buying my own dress. I decided to just go out and get something that felt "right". The next day I went to Lord & Taylor on my lunch hour and found a floor length ivory dress (very similar to your example) in the evening gown department. It fit perfectly and I felt like a goddess. It was under $200. No pressure, no other opinions, I don't even think a sales person helped me. Done and done!
So you can do it! Going for the alternate dress on my own was liberating and fun! I knew whatever I chose would be based on what I wanted, no one else.
Congrats and good luck! I know you'll find something fabulous!
posted by Nutritionista at 6:39 PM on October 20, 2015
I went to David's Bridal with a couple of girlfriends for the dress for my second wedding. I liked one, ordered it and thought I was done. When it arrived and I went in for my first fitting, I burst into tears. It felt completely wrong. The dress was fine, I looked good, but it was all "wrong". I left the store and sat in my car and sobbed. It was 3-4 weeks before the wedding and I thought I was screwed.
When I finally calmed down, I thought about what I wanted, what I really wanted. I decided that the only one stopping me from getting another dress was me. My mom wasn't paying for it (the David's Bridal dress was less than $300 anyway) - I was buying my own dress. I decided to just go out and get something that felt "right". The next day I went to Lord & Taylor on my lunch hour and found a floor length ivory dress (very similar to your example) in the evening gown department. It fit perfectly and I felt like a goddess. It was under $200. No pressure, no other opinions, I don't even think a sales person helped me. Done and done!
So you can do it! Going for the alternate dress on my own was liberating and fun! I knew whatever I chose would be based on what I wanted, no one else.
Congrats and good luck! I know you'll find something fabulous!
posted by Nutritionista at 6:39 PM on October 20, 2015
If you would consider a non-traditional dress, I recommend booking a personal shopper at Nordstrom. You call for an appointment, tell them what you're looking for, your budget, and your size and/or body type. They'll pull an assortment of dresses, you try them on and narrow down to what you like and what makes you feel beautiful. I believe this service is free, too! Try to have fun and think about how happy you'll be getting married and being married!
posted by killy willy at 8:03 PM on October 20, 2015
posted by killy willy at 8:03 PM on October 20, 2015
off I went to Davids Bridal. And it was actually fine.
Yep, I came here to speak up for David's! After getting really irritated at two fancier salons, I went off "just to see" what they had and ended up choosing a dress the same day. David's has none of the preciousness of most small-scale bridal salons, and most dresses come in a very good size range. The salespeople were non-fussy and totally positive; mine was older, smart, listened to what I wanted and gave judicious feedback. I felt comfortable surrounded by brides of every age, size, and background. It was pleasant and festive. I was not body-shamed in any way ever, at all, and I ended up with a dress I was super happy with for well under $1000. I know people slag on the place but honestly, my experience was great and I had none of the mystery and hassle of mail order.
posted by Miko at 9:05 PM on October 20, 2015
Yep, I came here to speak up for David's! After getting really irritated at two fancier salons, I went off "just to see" what they had and ended up choosing a dress the same day. David's has none of the preciousness of most small-scale bridal salons, and most dresses come in a very good size range. The salespeople were non-fussy and totally positive; mine was older, smart, listened to what I wanted and gave judicious feedback. I felt comfortable surrounded by brides of every age, size, and background. It was pleasant and festive. I was not body-shamed in any way ever, at all, and I ended up with a dress I was super happy with for well under $1000. I know people slag on the place but honestly, my experience was great and I had none of the mystery and hassle of mail order.
posted by Miko at 9:05 PM on October 20, 2015
How formal is your wedding going to be?
If it's going to be an outdoor ceremony followed by one of those sort of semi-casual "barn" receptions (barn in quotes because maybe yours is going to be in a tent or a backyard or a restaurant or a cabin or something), why not just buy something simple off the rack, or something in the prom/formal/bridesmaid category? Just shop for this event the same way you'd shop for a black tie gala, or a costume party, or whatever other occasion you might buy fancy or unusual attire for.
You don't have to buy a Wedding Dress unless either A) you want to, or B) maybe if you're having a really formal wedding in a cathedral and it would look weird for you to be wearing any but the most formal of clothing.
Definitely if the groom is going to be in a suit (as opposed to white tie and tails), and your and his attendants are going to be in sundresses, suspenders, and the like, it would be fine for you to wear something more casual that you feel more comfortable shopping for and wearing.
Frankly I think it looks weird when people have simple casual weddings but the bride is in a $10,000 gown. Wear what you like and feel happy in!
posted by Sara C. at 9:30 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
If it's going to be an outdoor ceremony followed by one of those sort of semi-casual "barn" receptions (barn in quotes because maybe yours is going to be in a tent or a backyard or a restaurant or a cabin or something), why not just buy something simple off the rack, or something in the prom/formal/bridesmaid category? Just shop for this event the same way you'd shop for a black tie gala, or a costume party, or whatever other occasion you might buy fancy or unusual attire for.
You don't have to buy a Wedding Dress unless either A) you want to, or B) maybe if you're having a really formal wedding in a cathedral and it would look weird for you to be wearing any but the most formal of clothing.
Definitely if the groom is going to be in a suit (as opposed to white tie and tails), and your and his attendants are going to be in sundresses, suspenders, and the like, it would be fine for you to wear something more casual that you feel more comfortable shopping for and wearing.
Frankly I think it looks weird when people have simple casual weddings but the bride is in a $10,000 gown. Wear what you like and feel happy in!
posted by Sara C. at 9:30 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
If I were you, I'd look at infinity dresses (also called wrap, transformer, convertible, etc.) because they fit your specs of simple silhouette, interesting back, flowy and drapey, plus very reasonably priced, comfortable, are flattering for most body types, don't need a lot of fussy sizing and fiddling from other people, unlimited color options, and can be acquired in a variety of ways, so you can choose what is most comfortable for you: buy online, have one made, buy from a local womenswear retailer, buy from a wedding shop (including David's Bridal, that has been mentioned here). Here's just one example of very, very many from Etsy, and here's one video (of very, very many; you should check out a few) showing how these sorts of dresses can be self-styled.
It would be nice to have a friend you are comfortable with to help you play around with the different ways of wrapping it to choose what looks and feels best, but you can also experiment on your own and send selfies to your fashionista friends in your old city to get input on styling.
Congrats on the good news, and your plan for a beach wedding sounds totally wonderful!
posted by taz at 2:27 AM on October 21, 2015
It would be nice to have a friend you are comfortable with to help you play around with the different ways of wrapping it to choose what looks and feels best, but you can also experiment on your own and send selfies to your fashionista friends in your old city to get input on styling.
Congrats on the good news, and your plan for a beach wedding sounds totally wonderful!
posted by taz at 2:27 AM on October 21, 2015
Best answer: I had major issues with the whole wedding complex, so when I got married, I had a seamstress make me a (non traditional) dress. She helped me pick out a pattern and fabric that would flatter me and sewed it up. No time whatsoever spent in a bridal shop, no bright lights or big mirrors. You should be able to easily stay under $1000 for a simple custom dress.
posted by bluebelle at 6:57 AM on October 21, 2015
posted by bluebelle at 6:57 AM on October 21, 2015
Talk to your fashionista friends who live in other cities. If one of them is sufficiently enthusiastic about helping you with a dress, do a lot of talking about what you like and might look good in, and swap photos back and forth (back in the dark ages, this was web addresses pasted into IM chat, but now it's probably a pintrest board). Go out dress shopping in your town, on a day your friend is free. Text her photos from the dressing rooms. Having her there with you would mean having her choose things for you to try on, that you would never give a second look to on your own; working remotely, you'll miss out on that, but the salespeople will do that too, just with a slightly lower accuracy rate. Consider setting up skype from the store if they have wifi (many do). I did a little bit of this dressing-room photo work, but basically ended up buying a dress off the internet (based on a link my friend sent me); it was a mainstream brand carried by many bridal shops, so I called local places until one had a floor model I could go try on.
This is a can of worms that you did not just open, but the assistance I just described is often part of the bridesmaid job description.
posted by aimedwander at 7:39 AM on October 21, 2015
This is a can of worms that you did not just open, but the assistance I just described is often part of the bridesmaid job description.
posted by aimedwander at 7:39 AM on October 21, 2015
Best answer: I just got married and haaaaaated looking for wedding dresses. I tried BHLDN, but a lot of their dresses are made in countries with questionable labor standards and the materials were often polyester. I would recommend going vintage shopping in person if you can instead. You'll probably wind up with a better quality dress for less money.
Here is an online vintage option that people I know in real life have had great experiences with (though I found online bridal shopping to be incredibly stressful):
Gossamer.
I also have a friend whose designs are carried in some hip stores here and in Japan, and she made me a custom dress for my wedding day. I don't know what your personal aesthetic is, but mine is really minimalist so her designs were a perfect fit for me. What she made cost me a couple hundred dollars and was 100% silk and I loved it. I'll send you the link to her online shop in a private message.
posted by pinetree at 9:15 AM on October 21, 2015
Here is an online vintage option that people I know in real life have had great experiences with (though I found online bridal shopping to be incredibly stressful):
Gossamer.
I also have a friend whose designs are carried in some hip stores here and in Japan, and she made me a custom dress for my wedding day. I don't know what your personal aesthetic is, but mine is really minimalist so her designs were a perfect fit for me. What she made cost me a couple hundred dollars and was 100% silk and I loved it. I'll send you the link to her online shop in a private message.
posted by pinetree at 9:15 AM on October 21, 2015
This doesn't speak to every aspect of your question, but when shopping for wedding dresses recently (and also on an under-$1000 budget), I was very impressed with Nicole Miller's wedding dress offerings, and ultimately ended up going with a Nicole Miller dress.
I think she was the only brand I found offering 100% silk dresses at that price point (I couldn't bring myself to spend over $500 on a polyester dress!), and her styles were lovely, sexy and pretty and retro yet not at all frilly.
If you are not set on the white-wedding-dress vision, she also makes a lot of pretty formal dresses in other colors, and of course they're not subject to the inevitable "wedding dress" markup.
You could Google around for a store that carries her stuff. I stumbled upon it at a bridal store in Portland, Oregon that mostly carries vintage dresses but stocks some new stuff as well.
Good luck!
posted by toomuchkatherine at 11:08 AM on October 21, 2015
I think she was the only brand I found offering 100% silk dresses at that price point (I couldn't bring myself to spend over $500 on a polyester dress!), and her styles were lovely, sexy and pretty and retro yet not at all frilly.
If you are not set on the white-wedding-dress vision, she also makes a lot of pretty formal dresses in other colors, and of course they're not subject to the inevitable "wedding dress" markup.
You could Google around for a store that carries her stuff. I stumbled upon it at a bridal store in Portland, Oregon that mostly carries vintage dresses but stocks some new stuff as well.
Good luck!
posted by toomuchkatherine at 11:08 AM on October 21, 2015
A tip- if you're worried about going into a bridal place because the people will start the "pre-wedding diet" talk, or any other such wedding bullshit, you could always lie and say you need the dress for a play or a fancy costume party, or something. Your chosen style is far enough away from traditional wedding garb that most anyone would believe you.
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:22 AM on October 21, 2015
posted by FirstMateKate at 11:22 AM on October 21, 2015
Best answer: Dude, I found a corset and skirt on Etsy that looked gorgeous and was 4 sizes too big for me. It was NOT white either, because white is a color that triggers my weight insecurities.
I emailed the seller -- a custom maker -- and told her my height and waist measurements. She hemmed the skirt pre-shipping.
I went 2 weeks before the wedding and had a tailor take in the corset to fit exactly. No measurements I could see, no numbers shown. Just fitted down from the larger size, all tags removed.
It worked like a dream. I have no fucking idea what size it is/was, and as a former ED sufferer I totally know what you mean... just asking a salesperson to bring me a different/bigger/smaller size in anything would've been traumatic.
You never know what you'll find online....
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:46 PM on October 21, 2015
I emailed the seller -- a custom maker -- and told her my height and waist measurements. She hemmed the skirt pre-shipping.
I went 2 weeks before the wedding and had a tailor take in the corset to fit exactly. No measurements I could see, no numbers shown. Just fitted down from the larger size, all tags removed.
It worked like a dream. I have no fucking idea what size it is/was, and as a former ED sufferer I totally know what you mean... just asking a salesperson to bring me a different/bigger/smaller size in anything would've been traumatic.
You never know what you'll find online....
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:46 PM on October 21, 2015
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J Crew does have some nice looking dresses, I think, and if you go there, they're not all bride-zilla.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:07 PM on October 20, 2015 [2 favorites]