Supporting boyfriend through mom's (terminal?) illness and the holidays
September 29, 2015 9:28 PM Subscribe
I've been dating a great guy for a few months now. About a month in he told me that his mom was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor 8 months before we met. His mom has done radiation and was seeming to get better in the last few months. He was making plans for me to meet his family for the first time on Thanksgiving. He just found out his mother has taken a turn for the worse (she's having difficulty walking), and I'd like to know: 1) how I can support him and 2) how to navigate meeting his family during this difficult time.
Some details: We're both in our early 30's and work full-time (bf is a shiftworker and does very early days followed by very late nights, he works long shifts and frequently does overtime). We live about an hour away from his parents. His parents are retired, in their early 60's and he has a younger sibling who still lives at home with them.
This situation is a bit weird for me because my first boyfriend lost his mom to a brain tumor almost overnight and we ended up breaking up because I didn't know what to do. I'm worried I'll handle the current situation as poorly as I felt I did in that case although I was so much younger. I just didn't have the words or skills to talk about what was going on and I thought my job was to help him keep his mind off of the situation. My parents don't talk about death and we're cut off from our extended family so I have almost no experience with this.
Boyfriend seems to be doing fairly well but comes from a family where the men are expected to be strong and silent and not complain. He seems to just want me around as much as possible which is fine with me, but because I have 50-50 custody of my son we see each other 1-2x/Mon-Fri and spend every other weekend together when I'm not with my son, so it can feel like a bit of "feast and famine" in that we can go several days without seeing each other (if he's on nights and I'm with my son on the weekend) and then have a few days together.
He just found out about things getting worse tonight, and I made it clear that if it wasn't the right time for me to meet his family I understood and that he should prioritize time with his mom. I think he really wants me to meet his family and be present for him but I'm worried my presence will be an unnecessary stress for his parents.
I'd like to hear from people what I can do to support him (particularly if things keep getting worse), and how I should approach meeting his family which is likely to happen in the next few months one way or another. If I do go for Thanksgiving dinner we've already offered to bring dinner with us so his parents don't have to cook unless they want to.
Some details: We're both in our early 30's and work full-time (bf is a shiftworker and does very early days followed by very late nights, he works long shifts and frequently does overtime). We live about an hour away from his parents. His parents are retired, in their early 60's and he has a younger sibling who still lives at home with them.
This situation is a bit weird for me because my first boyfriend lost his mom to a brain tumor almost overnight and we ended up breaking up because I didn't know what to do. I'm worried I'll handle the current situation as poorly as I felt I did in that case although I was so much younger. I just didn't have the words or skills to talk about what was going on and I thought my job was to help him keep his mind off of the situation. My parents don't talk about death and we're cut off from our extended family so I have almost no experience with this.
Boyfriend seems to be doing fairly well but comes from a family where the men are expected to be strong and silent and not complain. He seems to just want me around as much as possible which is fine with me, but because I have 50-50 custody of my son we see each other 1-2x/Mon-Fri and spend every other weekend together when I'm not with my son, so it can feel like a bit of "feast and famine" in that we can go several days without seeing each other (if he's on nights and I'm with my son on the weekend) and then have a few days together.
He just found out about things getting worse tonight, and I made it clear that if it wasn't the right time for me to meet his family I understood and that he should prioritize time with his mom. I think he really wants me to meet his family and be present for him but I'm worried my presence will be an unnecessary stress for his parents.
I'd like to hear from people what I can do to support him (particularly if things keep getting worse), and how I should approach meeting his family which is likely to happen in the next few months one way or another. If I do go for Thanksgiving dinner we've already offered to bring dinner with us so his parents don't have to cook unless they want to.
My partner met my parents in the hospital shortly after my dad had been diagnosed with leukemia. It actually made introductions a lot less fraught than they could have been, since he was a welcome distraction and gave us all something to talk to. I also found him to be a gloriously "outside" source of support, in that since he wasn't personally upset about my dad, all of his emotional capacity could go straight to me. I think that if your boyfriend is asking you to go, you should, and just plan on feeling out the situation once you're actually in it. That may involve a lot of being physically present but not really interacting much so that he doesn't have to "share" his mom with you, and that's okay. When you're alone together, you shouldn't try to fix things, but rather just gently let him talk about whatever he needs to, and not judge him if what he wants to say or do seems weirdly off-topic. Don't expect that she'll be on his mind all of the time, and don't be surprised if she comes up seemingly randomly.
If she does continue to get worse, his relationship with you may actually be a comfort to her as well. If you are close to your parent(s)/mom though, he may need space from that dynamic. My dad died recently and for now I just kind blank around my partner's parents, and don't really want to hear about/from them on a day-to-day basis. I don't know if that's how it is for everyone though; I'm pretty confident about what I said in the first paragraph because I had three years to think it over, but this one represents work in progress. Check back later if it comes to that, huh?
You can do this.
posted by teremala at 10:01 PM on September 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
If she does continue to get worse, his relationship with you may actually be a comfort to her as well. If you are close to your parent(s)/mom though, he may need space from that dynamic. My dad died recently and for now I just kind blank around my partner's parents, and don't really want to hear about/from them on a day-to-day basis. I don't know if that's how it is for everyone though; I'm pretty confident about what I said in the first paragraph because I had three years to think it over, but this one represents work in progress. Check back later if it comes to that, huh?
You can do this.
posted by teremala at 10:01 PM on September 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I think you're on the right general track with offering to bring the food for Thanksgiving. Grieving, be it for someone who is ill or the end of the idea of a loved one being healthy or a change in relationship or whatever it is, takes tons of energy and motivation that people would otherwise spend on self-care.
This is part of why it's so unpredictable because the intangibility of this emotional work makes it all hidden and people react to this drain on resources differently. So instead of distracting your boyfriend, think of your role as filling in gaps that he's going to get because he's spending energy on other things.
Something as small as making sure everyone who wants some has a fresh pot of coffee in the morning can be a huge help. Being there as quiet emotional support when his family is having important discussions about scary stuff like hospice care and end of life wishes and power of attorney and stuff is very difficult but vital - it isn't your place to be part of that verbally, but being visibly present says "I know this is hard and you're doing the right thing by engaging with it." Saying that privately to him is good, too.
Making small planned breaks is good, too. Like, you can make plans to take a walk or go to a movie or get a fancy drink somewhere and invite anyone who would like to to come along - and thus give them a predetermined time to get out of the house and decompress. Being the third party who cares but is not responsible for making decisions makes you a sort of safe person to talk about inconsequential stuff with. But this is all different from being a distraction constantly. This is more like you modeling good self care and inviting others to do the same when they are probably having a hard time and could use reminding.
Some people will instead be in high gear and want to do all the work and go into super productive crisis mode. There you can be the person who asks "can I do anything for you?" and then get the milk or stay out of the kitchen or take the dog for a walk or sit with Grandpa and watch westerns on the movie channel or whatever. Your general "be a polite guest" rules but ramped up.
It's hard. Be sure to schedule time after your visit to unwind and take care of yourself and check in with your own family.
posted by Mizu at 11:55 PM on September 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is part of why it's so unpredictable because the intangibility of this emotional work makes it all hidden and people react to this drain on resources differently. So instead of distracting your boyfriend, think of your role as filling in gaps that he's going to get because he's spending energy on other things.
Something as small as making sure everyone who wants some has a fresh pot of coffee in the morning can be a huge help. Being there as quiet emotional support when his family is having important discussions about scary stuff like hospice care and end of life wishes and power of attorney and stuff is very difficult but vital - it isn't your place to be part of that verbally, but being visibly present says "I know this is hard and you're doing the right thing by engaging with it." Saying that privately to him is good, too.
Making small planned breaks is good, too. Like, you can make plans to take a walk or go to a movie or get a fancy drink somewhere and invite anyone who would like to to come along - and thus give them a predetermined time to get out of the house and decompress. Being the third party who cares but is not responsible for making decisions makes you a sort of safe person to talk about inconsequential stuff with. But this is all different from being a distraction constantly. This is more like you modeling good self care and inviting others to do the same when they are probably having a hard time and could use reminding.
Some people will instead be in high gear and want to do all the work and go into super productive crisis mode. There you can be the person who asks "can I do anything for you?" and then get the milk or stay out of the kitchen or take the dog for a walk or sit with Grandpa and watch westerns on the movie channel or whatever. Your general "be a polite guest" rules but ramped up.
It's hard. Be sure to schedule time after your visit to unwind and take care of yourself and check in with your own family.
posted by Mizu at 11:55 PM on September 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Good advice above, but chiming in to note that this:
"my first boyfriend lost his mom to a brain tumor almost overnight and we ended up breaking up because I didn't know what to do."
is very unlikely to be the case. You most likely broke up because you weren't quite right for each other, and big life events can be catalysts that force needed change.
So make sure you don't let that kind of thinking drive you to anxiety about this situation. Just the fact that you're thinking about it so hard indicates that you're going to be a great support to him at this time. Don't back off too far (meeting his mum might not have to wait, she might be really glad to know that he has someone like you there for him) and don't put your anxieties on him. That's all. You've got this.
posted by greenish at 2:02 AM on September 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
"my first boyfriend lost his mom to a brain tumor almost overnight and we ended up breaking up because I didn't know what to do."
is very unlikely to be the case. You most likely broke up because you weren't quite right for each other, and big life events can be catalysts that force needed change.
So make sure you don't let that kind of thinking drive you to anxiety about this situation. Just the fact that you're thinking about it so hard indicates that you're going to be a great support to him at this time. Don't back off too far (meeting his mum might not have to wait, she might be really glad to know that he has someone like you there for him) and don't put your anxieties on him. That's all. You've got this.
posted by greenish at 2:02 AM on September 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
When my dad died last December, I really appreciated having my partner around. I ended up being the default adult for a lot of stuff (like dealing with the administrative side of the death, calling family, etc.) because I was the least outwardly broken of the three people who could have done that stuff. Which meant I ended up feeling super responsible for doing loads of stuff and making sure everyone else was okay, so it was nice to be able to retreat into couple space every so often and spend time with someone who was focused on caring for me.
It was also useful for all of us, I think, to have someone there who wasn't deeply connected to the whole thing. It made everything seem a lot more normal. If me/my mother/my sister had gone from twice-daily ICU visits to death and all of the death stuff without an external stabilising influence, I think there'd have been a lot more screaming fights. But we had an extra person, and we could take that extra person out to dinner and "entertain" (in a weird, muted kind of way), and it made it easier to see that there was going to be a road back to normality in there somewhere.
I also got to spend some time just with my partner, back at our place (300 miles away) in between my dad's memorial service and Christmas, and again it was great to be able to go to a place where I didn't have to worry about anyone else and I had a dedicated person to worry about me.
Doing/prompting self-care stuff for your partner if they're not keeping on top of it (checking in that they're eating, suggesting activities you can do together that will give them a break from family stuff [we went on lots of walks], etc.) can be hugely helpful, assuming they're someone who's receptive to that kind of thing.
posted by terretu at 3:05 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
It was also useful for all of us, I think, to have someone there who wasn't deeply connected to the whole thing. It made everything seem a lot more normal. If me/my mother/my sister had gone from twice-daily ICU visits to death and all of the death stuff without an external stabilising influence, I think there'd have been a lot more screaming fights. But we had an extra person, and we could take that extra person out to dinner and "entertain" (in a weird, muted kind of way), and it made it easier to see that there was going to be a road back to normality in there somewhere.
I also got to spend some time just with my partner, back at our place (300 miles away) in between my dad's memorial service and Christmas, and again it was great to be able to go to a place where I didn't have to worry about anyone else and I had a dedicated person to worry about me.
Doing/prompting self-care stuff for your partner if they're not keeping on top of it (checking in that they're eating, suggesting activities you can do together that will give them a break from family stuff [we went on lots of walks], etc.) can be hugely helpful, assuming they're someone who's receptive to that kind of thing.
posted by terretu at 3:05 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My boyfriend (now husband) met my parents about a week after my mom was diagnosed with ALS. What worked for me was that he treated my mom not like a dying person but like his girlfriend's mom on whom he wanted to make a good impression. He treated her like he would have any other mom of a girlfriend. He didn't act like he pitied her or me or my dad. And then, more importantly, he let me vent and be sad and tried (as well as he could; he's a bit emotionally closed off) to be emotionally supportive to me. But everyone is different and I don't think there would be anything wrong with saying to your boyfriend, "I don't want to do the wrong thing here, please tell me what you need from me during this difficult time." Honestly, I truly wish I had said that to my mom instead of being unsure how to act with her.
posted by amro at 6:33 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by amro at 6:33 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your job is to follow his lead. During the time between my mom's diagnosis and her death, my boyfriend - now husband - was just there with us, doing whatever we were doing. He followed my lead and did what I asked him to do, and all these years later I still appreciate how he acted during those times. Mostly he ran stupid errands for us, no questions asked, which was good for him because he got out of the House of Death and good for us because no more errands.
He knew my parents but not all that well, and looking back on it, I can see how his presence during her illness really solidified things for me regarding our relationship. In fact during some of our worst times, the fact that he knew my mom has counted in his favor.
This is not to say that you should meet his family for ulterior motives, but if you are important to him, he probably wants you to meet her because you only have a limited time to do so.
Finally, during that time in my life I realized just about the worst thing you can do for someone who is dying/someone who loves someone who is dying, is nothing.
posted by lyssabee at 7:26 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
He knew my parents but not all that well, and looking back on it, I can see how his presence during her illness really solidified things for me regarding our relationship. In fact during some of our worst times, the fact that he knew my mom has counted in his favor.
This is not to say that you should meet his family for ulterior motives, but if you are important to him, he probably wants you to meet her because you only have a limited time to do so.
Finally, during that time in my life I realized just about the worst thing you can do for someone who is dying/someone who loves someone who is dying, is nothing.
posted by lyssabee at 7:26 AM on September 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just show up, be ready to listen, and…just show up. He will probably need to Dump Out -- and for better or worse, that's your job for a while.
At the risk of sounding a little irreverent, a story: one of my uncles died a few years ago, suddenly. At the wake, another cousin (about 30 years old) showed up with her then-boyfriend. This is a big, loud family, and a lot of old friends and neighbors and relatives were at this wake. Anyway, she introduces the new guy, and one of my uncles simply asks, "You the new boyfriend? Stand right there and don't talk."
(He did so. And reader, she married him -- he's a great guy!)
It was not at all meant unkindly, just a clear suggestion that this big group of people had a lot of unburdening to do in order to process their grief, and that he would have to put in his time in the family before he was an equal. And he did it, and he showed he was there for her for the long haul, and they are awesome together. No one needed him to do anything specific, and you probably also just have to be available and supportive.
So, uh, "Stand right there and don't talk." :7) And thank you for sticking by him while things suck.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:38 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
At the risk of sounding a little irreverent, a story: one of my uncles died a few years ago, suddenly. At the wake, another cousin (about 30 years old) showed up with her then-boyfriend. This is a big, loud family, and a lot of old friends and neighbors and relatives were at this wake. Anyway, she introduces the new guy, and one of my uncles simply asks, "You the new boyfriend? Stand right there and don't talk."
(He did so. And reader, she married him -- he's a great guy!)
It was not at all meant unkindly, just a clear suggestion that this big group of people had a lot of unburdening to do in order to process their grief, and that he would have to put in his time in the family before he was an equal. And he did it, and he showed he was there for her for the long haul, and they are awesome together. No one needed him to do anything specific, and you probably also just have to be available and supportive.
So, uh, "Stand right there and don't talk." :7) And thank you for sticking by him while things suck.
posted by wenestvedt at 9:38 AM on September 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks for everyone's responses, I would mark them all best if I could. There are so many gems I'm taking away from this question and I feel better equipped to support my boyfriend and understand things from his perspective.
posted by lafemma at 7:06 AM on October 1, 2015
posted by lafemma at 7:06 AM on October 1, 2015
A few weeks ago I was told my mother had months to live. I have never been through something like that before and I don't really know how to explain how I felt.
My boyfriend was amazing. He didn't try to tell me everything would be ok. He didn't really say anything, but he was incredibly supportive just by being there, hugging me a lot, and hovering. I knew he was around and cared and he let me cry and vent to him. I'm really glad he didn't fill the silence with obviously false optimistic statements.
And, my boyfriend had never met my family before. We've been together 2 years but I live in the US and they are in England. I was so happy he got to meet her, thinking I was going to lose her.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:33 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
My boyfriend was amazing. He didn't try to tell me everything would be ok. He didn't really say anything, but he was incredibly supportive just by being there, hugging me a lot, and hovering. I knew he was around and cared and he let me cry and vent to him. I'm really glad he didn't fill the silence with obviously false optimistic statements.
And, my boyfriend had never met my family before. We've been together 2 years but I live in the US and they are in England. I was so happy he got to meet her, thinking I was going to lose her.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:33 AM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]
And seconding amro. He treated my mother as his girlfriends mother he was meeting. Not like a dying woman. And not only did that make me happy, she loved him and getting to meet him took her mind off what was happening and made her so happy.
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:34 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by shesbenevolent at 9:34 AM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]
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posted by pink_gorilla at 9:56 PM on September 29, 2015 [2 favorites]