Do you do share housework or do it all as a stay-at-home parent?

September 21, 2015 4:14 PM

I'm a full-time mom of two children, one who is in school and one in preschool 2.5 hours a day. I'm trying to keep the house clean by myself, but am wondering- what works for you if you're also a stay-at-home parent? Do you do it all yourself or does your spouse help? What kinds of tasks do you share if you do share the housework?

We've had house cleaners on and off for the last 10 years, but we're currently making a greater effort to save and that's not an option. I'm trying to do things a little at a time but it seems like there's always something I haven't done! I do everything but my husband's laundry and taking out the trash. I think my husband would be willing to contribute if he thought it was fair, but right now thinks that it should be my job.

posted by percor to Home & Garden (22 answers total)

I am stay-at-home. My husband works long hours and travels about a third of week days.

I handle everything except mowing the lawn. Groceries, organizing home repair - upkeep, cleaning, cooking, laundry, birthdays, holidays, vacation plans, clothes shopping for everyone - including him, etc. If I have a doctors appointment or an errand in the city and can't get back for the bus, my husband will pick him up (unless he ends up having a meeting and then I resched).

He reads to the kids at bedtime half of the nights he is home.

Sometimes it seems like too much but then I remember what it was like working my old stressful job. But I often stink at my new job and run out of milk, have pancakes for supper and the house is a mess.
posted by ReluctantViking at 4:30 PM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

Yeah, that's the set up at our house too. I'm home, so the house is my responsibility. He thinks he is 'helping' me when he folds the towels (in a way which prevents them all from fitting on the shelf). He works crazy, insane hours (more than 80 per week every week for the last forever) so I just buck up and handle stuff. For me that means a housekeeper AT MINIMUM twice a month. Really, your sanity is worth it.

Now, if my husband was working 40 a week we would be having a come to jesus talk. Parenting all by itself is equal to a full time job. If that's not his opinion, he might need an attitude adjustment.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 4:34 PM on September 21, 2015 [7 favorites]

I am unemployed while my husband works 45-50 hours per week (including commute). We don't have kids.

My husband cooks or helps with dinner 1-2 nights a week. He'll take out the trash/recycling. In the morning while waiting for coffee, he'll empty and fill the dishwasher or wipe down the kitchen counters.

On the weekends he'll help straighten up, clean, do grocery shopping/other chores, and do home improvement projects. He helps with laundry. He did most of the outdoor work when we owned a house - now that we rent, that's off his plate.

If we had kids, at a minimum I would expect him to help with the children after work and on weekends. Working would not absolve him from the responsibilities related to being a parent.

This set-up was more-or-less reversed when I worked and my husband was unemployed.
posted by muddgirl at 4:41 PM on September 21, 2015 [6 favorites]

I'm a SAHM of a teen and a tween. Both have learning disabilities so both require substantial help with HW. I also work part-time at a poorly paying job that is more of a hobby.

I do all of the shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, planning, scheduling, bill-paying, etc. That's my contribution to our family.

My husband works very long hours at a stressful job. He does the after-dinner dishes most nights (loads & unloads the dishwasher).

He also mows occasionally (my teen and I also mow) and helps out with other chores when needed (like if we have guests coming he may help out by cleaning a bathroom or vacuuming).
posted by LittleMy at 4:42 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

If you were home with the kids all day, I would say that your husband definitely needs to pitch in more when he's home. But you have one child in school all day and one in school for 2.5 hours a day (and assuming that the preschooler still naps, there's probably a little downtime for that, too). Under those circumstances, I honestly think that you handling the housework is not unfair. (I am not a SAHM to my two toddlers, but I work at home and my husband works nights and sleeps day so sometimes I feel like a single mom.)
posted by amro at 4:42 PM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

I would argue that you should do the first ~10 hours per week of housework and you should split what's left with your husband. That 2.5 hours/day is the only differential between your work day and his work day.
posted by Betelgeuse at 4:52 PM on September 21, 2015 [8 favorites]

So there no one right answer to this question. As a data point, my wife was a stay-at-home mom for a long time, like until two years ago. I did some of the laundry, some of the cooking, some of the shopping, some of the cleaning. When my wife went back to school I did more. Now that she's working I do more. When I travelled I did less.

Some guys don't want to do housework (I mean, most people don't really want to do housework) and use their wives being at home as an excuse, but honestly raising kids is a lot of work and there's no reason that the "working" parent can't do some amount of housework.

How much is up to you two to decide.
posted by GuyZero at 4:57 PM on September 21, 2015 [11 favorites]

My husband works full time and travels a great deal. I'm responsible for everything while he's gone. While he's here, I still do most of everything, but I do ask him to pitch in here and there. "Hey, I'm tackling the laundry. Can we fold this together?" or "Would you unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher so I can get the dirty ones in?"

My kids are both older than yours (tween and elementary school age), so my childcare is mostly homework and activity carpooling. That keeps 4 hours of my day every day very busy.

Oh, he's been known to throw a frozen lasagna in the oven while I am taking the kids hither and yon to ensure we are eating a warm dinner.
posted by heathrowga at 4:59 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: If you wanted to look at this financially - see how much it would cost to hire: a full-time housekeeper (daily tidying, weekly deep cleaning, laundry, etc), a nanny for all hours that you're alone/default for child care, a cook for all meals you prepare, and a personal assistant for any other administrative tasks you perform for the family unit (including taxes/insurance, if required in your state for household employees). How does that compare to his take home pay? Balancing those items with the hourly burden (hours he's at work and commuting vs hours you're doing childcare, cleaning, cooking, etc) should get to some measure of fairness.

You may also want to look at the emotional labor and default parent threads on the blue for a number of personal stories of this nature.
posted by melissasaurus at 5:04 PM on September 21, 2015 [27 favorites]

I'm an at-home husband. I pretty much do all the cooking and cleaning and misc. chores. My wife works hard at her job and is the primary bread-winner. I do occasional graphic design work when I can fit it in. If she has time on weekends, she takes care of the gardening outside.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:22 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think my husband would be willing to contribute if he thought it was fair, but right now thinks that it should be my job.

The answer is not what other people are doing: the answer is that you two need to negotiate what feels fair to both of you. At-home vs. at-work is not necessarily the dividing line between one's own laundry and trash duties and EVERYTHING ELSE under the headings of "parenting" and "housekeeping." You can push for some flexibility here, because you are a team, and you need to work this out together. Because even if you are super efficient and organized and working all shifts (I assume you're getting up in the night for bad dreams/tummy aches), there will always be more work than you are capable of doing. You taking responsibility for everything except his laundry and the trash may well be unsustainable in the long run--and there's a lot to be said for a second adult who knows how to run the house when the first adult is away (ill, taking care of a sick relative, or, you know, taking a weekend off). Especially because you have ruled out paid help, you are loaded down with responsibility, and the house does not magically get cleaner when you have to stop what you're doing to spend time with your children. It's not going to get better. Unless you use your words and negotiate a fairer, more sustainable allocation of chores.

When it comes to housework, "...there is no normal. There is no default setting for who does what around the house. You get to make up your own normal, and you get to negotiate it explicitly ahead of time, and you get to re-negotiate it over and over again as things grow and change."

Bottom line: You're working too. Negotiate some of the responsibilities inherent in being a parent, and in being a member of the family, and find a way for both of you to go forward. Good luck.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:25 PM on September 21, 2015 [18 favorites]

I think a lot will come down to what your husband's work schedule is like and what he does in his free time. If he is working 9-5 or something similar then there will be a lot of time at the end of the day for him to help out at home. If he has longer hours/less free time then there may be less scope for this, but he should still be doing something at home.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 5:47 PM on September 21, 2015 [2 favorites]

My husband was a stay at home dad most of the spring after we moved to a new city, while we waited to get our youngest into daycare at his brother's preschool, and now has resumed his small freelance business. He handles most of the kid-logistics just due to the fact that he's the one getting face time with the teachers, and takes care of them after school or when there's an inservice day or they're sick. He also does all the cooking because he likes it and all the grocery shopping because he likes to see what looks fresh/good. I pretty much see those things as his "SAHD" work and all other household chores are equally divisible. (Or not. The laundry basket overfloweth, but that's my fault as much as his).
posted by The Elusive Architeuthis at 6:00 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: OP here. I agree that this is a very personal, specific situation but it's helpful to know what others' experiences are or have been. We've been at this for over seven years, but we're making it up as we go! The time I have during the day is the 2.5 hours my younger is in school (at 4, she doesn't nap) and it is somehow not a whole lot when I try to eat breakfast, exercise, shower, and deal with bills, correspondence, etc. My husband works about 40 hours a week and travels about 2-5 times/year. I've always handled most kids stuff- play dates, parties, purchasing clothes, handling activities. He's awesome with child care, and we do bedtime together each night. So mainly this is just about figuring out what works for cleaning.
posted by percor at 6:03 PM on September 21, 2015

A lot depends on how much work parenting your particular kids are. There were times when I was home and my partner working that we still split housework 50/50, because essentially none of it could get done while dealing with our high-needs kids. When that improved, I did more, but he was only working part-time so he probably still did 35-40%.

Some depends on how you co-parent as well. If he takes on 90% of the child care when he IS home, then that's time when you could be taking care of household stuff.
posted by metasarah at 6:10 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

It's an ongoing negotiation. We don't have kids and we both work outside of the home in high pressure/long hour jobs. His job is a 9-10 hour workday with some more hours on Saturday BUT he rarely travels. I sometimes telecommute, but also travel a few days each week.

Some chores are allocated. I procure and cook foods. He cleans the kitchen and takes out the trash. Our housekeeper has her tasks. Everything else is negotiated. Household repairs/meeting the handy man? That's almost always me on telecommute days. Anything else, we need to discuss. Am I home? Is he working the weekend?

And sometimes things do not get done. The mistake I made early in our relationship was trying to fill all the gaps. That made me super resentful when I super stressed at work and the house was not perfect. Now sometimes I say, "Hey, your mom is coming to stay with us. If you want her to have clean sheets and towels, then you need to do the laundry because I'm not home."

When I learned to be okay with the house not looking like a catalog shoot, I became a better wife and a better partner.
posted by 26.2 at 6:29 PM on September 21, 2015 [3 favorites]

My husband is the stay-at-home parent to our 2 year old. I work full time.

He does breakfast and lunch for himself and kid, because I'm usually out the door in the morning before they want to eat. I cook dinner for the family, and I do big family breakfasts on the weekends. I do the majority of the grocery shopping, he runs to the store when we're out of a thing or two.

We both take out the trash. We both do dishes, wipe down counters, sweep, and vacuum when we see any of those need to be done. We don't take turns or keep track of who did it last -- if the dishes need to be run during the day, he'll do it. If they need to be run in the evening, I usually do. We both do laundry as it needs doing. I clean the bathroom. He does most of the home improvement projects, unless it requires both of us. I do most of the major organizational projects like closet clean-outs or cabinet reorganizing, he does most of the day-to-day picking up of toys/clothes/etc. He takes care of getting maintenance done on the cars. I pay the bills, do the budget, do the taxes. I dust, when I remember to. He folds clothes more often than I do. I put clothes away more often than he does.

We finally broke down and got someone to come in and do our yard and plants a couple times a month. It is totally worth it.

Things are overall pretty egalitarian. We get a little unbalanced in one direction or another from time to time, but it generally corrects. We're also not super strict about keeping a spotless home. Sometimes I've had a long day at work and he's had a long day with the kid and the dishes and laundry go undone and we order Thai food or pizza, and that's okay with us.
posted by erst at 6:43 PM on September 21, 2015 [5 favorites]

I'm not in exactly your situation, but I work a 30-hour week from home, while my husband works a 40-hour week at an office, and one thing that was a constant frustration for the first year of our kid's life was that my husband was getting 60-90 minutes every morning to get ready for work (use the bathroom, take a shower, eat, check email), during which time I was on primary kid duty--but because my schedule for showering and eating was more flexible, it in effect was being treated like it didn't need to happen at all. It wasn't malicious on my husband's part, it was just something he literally didn't see (because my showering/eating was happening after he left to take kiddo to daycare) and so it didn't register.

I assume your husband needs some certain amount of time every morning to get ready, and you take care of the kids to make that happen, and the flip side is that it's totally reasonably for you to require some of the 2.5 hour window when your littlest is at preschool to do the stuff that he does in the morning when he's getting ready for work.

In my view one of the best reasons to not have one spouse take over 100% of any task is that it's too easy to start underestimating how much time that task takes once it's off your plate and invisible. I don't have any perfect solution but in your place, I'd be awfully tempted to take at least some of those daytime hours as my personal time, especially if my husband was getting an hour or two "off" in the morning and again in the evening when the kids were asleep. It's annoying to be doing paperwork and paying bills at 9pm, but it does make the labor visible in a way that it probably won't ever be if you do all that stuff during the day when he's at work.
posted by iminurmefi at 6:51 PM on September 21, 2015 [10 favorites]

I saw my role as primary caregiver. That meant that I was on as the primary caregiver during the day. I did most of the grocery shopping, cooking, clothing shopping, childcare/school arrangements, doctor's appointments (there were a lot), kids' activities during day, most of the emotional labour. I did not consider cleaning and cooking to be part of my role, although I did the evening meal and baking. I did about half of the laundry, but I did not sit around working out whether their dad had clean clothes - I just would work on the pile and he had to do laundry too. I had a cleaner every week.

If you have a child under school age, I don't think there is much time to do more than what I did. I don't personally think that working extended hours is an excuse for not doing child work - I'd assume those hours allow you to purchase childcare, cleaning, meal services and other conveniences to make up for your time. (Unless we're talking about someone in a low-paid industry who's working two jobs or something.) I also considered my shift to end when their dad got home.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 10:12 PM on September 21, 2015 [1 favorite]

My wife is a stay-at-home mom, not a maid. Her job is caring for the kids when I'm not there. When I'm there, household chores are split 50/50, as is child care. She doesn't magically become the cook, laundress, etc by virtue of wanting to care for our children.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:13 PM on September 21, 2015 [16 favorites]

When our children were very young my wife was full-time stay at home mum and I was working pretty long hours. When I was home the main priority was for me to take over looking after the children - I wanted to be as involved as possible, and she needed the time away. Essentially we'd try to only have one of us on parenting duty at a time unless we were doing something fun or it was an "all hands on deck" situation.
That didn't leave much time for household stuff, but I would tidy up, wash dishes, take out trash, go to the supermarket, and the car and garden were my responsibility.
My wife was the mainstay of parenting, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and deciding what needed to be bought/done at home.
It was a very traditional split, but we discussed it and it was what seemed to make sense to us at the time. We've re-balanced in various ways over time as the children have got older and she's returned to education.
posted by crocomancer at 5:51 AM on September 22, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think what's "fair" depends more on what you want in the long run and less on who's collecting a paycheck while the kids are little. If you're hoping to have marketable skills in the future, you should not be so busy cleaning that you're left without the energy or option of spending time cultivating skills that keep you interested and informed about the field in which you may some day also seek paid employment.

play dates, parties, purchasing clothes, handling activities

This stuff takes loads of time and energy. (Yes, the Emotional Labor thread speaks to this, but if you don't have time to read it all, just know that you wouldn't be alone if you find these things draining.)

The whole family benefits from your husband's paycheck, just like the whole family benefits from the childcare, meals, social arrangements, doctor appointments, etc., etc., that you organize. The person doing childcare must be available during specific hours. Cleaning can be done in any spare moment. In other words, those are very different family/household needs.

Single people with careers still have to remember to buy food and toilet paper, and they have to clean their own homes (or hire someone to do that, when financially feasible). Working outside the home does not magically relieve adults of those responsibilities. In my opinion, having a spouse doesn't automatically relieve adults of responsibilities either, especially if that leaves said spouse without the option of self-enrichment (the lack of which can be to the detriment of the whole family, ultimately).

I'm not understanding how it's "fair" for your husband to further his career and enjoy a relationship with his kids but not feel home-related responsibilities beyond a couple small chores.
posted by whoiam at 10:03 AM on September 22, 2015 [4 favorites]