Age of ambition?
September 11, 2015 9:10 PM Subscribe
At some point in my life, I envisioned myself becoming a leader in the field I was on the path to pursuing. I went from elite overachieving undergrad to elite overachieving graduate program, and now all I want is a life with trees, refreshing sleep, maybe a cat, a cup of tea, and some good books and friends. I can't tell if this shift in goals is because I'm maturing or because I might be in depressed survival-mode from being in my program.
I feel like at some point achievement was very tied up with my identity. That's probably how I ended up in my program in the first place. Now I feel like if I wanted to still pursue my past goals of becoming excellent at discipline/field x, I probably still have the ability to, although I'm not sure that I presently have the energy or drive to actually follow through with it all. Additionally, even though I try very hard at what I do even today and care about doing a good job, I feel like there's an element of futility in all of it. Is this gifted child syndrome? Is this burnout? Depression? Maturation? I'm kind of in a state where I feel like I have nothing to look forward to these days. I feel lonelyish, chronically stressed, and I haven't had a meal with family for ages. Maybe my basal needs are not being met and I can't even concentrate on higher-order needs like achievement?
What can I do at this point to figure out if I'm in a rut or I'm just figuring out what my true priorities are? What should I be asking myself? I'm not slacking off exactly, since to even advance through my program's curriculum a lot of work has to be put in and stuff. But I'm also not really working towards anything with the same spark I used to have.
I see people left and right in my program who are working very hard to become leaders in their fields/get prestigious fellowships/whatever and I vaguely think to myself, "good for them, how nice that they are rewarded for their hard work," but for some of my peers I also just get the impression that they're working to defend their egos and stuff and the entire pursuit feels like a gigantic game I don't know I want to play. Once I finish my program I kind of just want to make more time for creative activities, self-study and live my life, not publish to lengthen my CV or pursue fellowship after fellowship after grant submission after conference presentation. I mostly think to myself, "well, at the end of my life I would like to be able to say that I had some really close and true friends, was an insightful, caring and creative soul, worked hard and learned a lot." Maybe a high-powered career is not mutually exclusive with that sort of obituary, but I guess I tend to associate high achievement with a somewhat narrower, more deliberate and possibly competitive focus that isn't necessarily amenable to developing into the creative, contemplative person I described above. I also am considering the possibility that once I find something that truly excites me, what looks like "achievement" (but really is enthusiasm) might naturally follow.
Have your goals or outlook ever shifted like this? What prompted it? Burnout, maturation, both?
I feel like at some point achievement was very tied up with my identity. That's probably how I ended up in my program in the first place. Now I feel like if I wanted to still pursue my past goals of becoming excellent at discipline/field x, I probably still have the ability to, although I'm not sure that I presently have the energy or drive to actually follow through with it all. Additionally, even though I try very hard at what I do even today and care about doing a good job, I feel like there's an element of futility in all of it. Is this gifted child syndrome? Is this burnout? Depression? Maturation? I'm kind of in a state where I feel like I have nothing to look forward to these days. I feel lonelyish, chronically stressed, and I haven't had a meal with family for ages. Maybe my basal needs are not being met and I can't even concentrate on higher-order needs like achievement?
What can I do at this point to figure out if I'm in a rut or I'm just figuring out what my true priorities are? What should I be asking myself? I'm not slacking off exactly, since to even advance through my program's curriculum a lot of work has to be put in and stuff. But I'm also not really working towards anything with the same spark I used to have.
I see people left and right in my program who are working very hard to become leaders in their fields/get prestigious fellowships/whatever and I vaguely think to myself, "good for them, how nice that they are rewarded for their hard work," but for some of my peers I also just get the impression that they're working to defend their egos and stuff and the entire pursuit feels like a gigantic game I don't know I want to play. Once I finish my program I kind of just want to make more time for creative activities, self-study and live my life, not publish to lengthen my CV or pursue fellowship after fellowship after grant submission after conference presentation. I mostly think to myself, "well, at the end of my life I would like to be able to say that I had some really close and true friends, was an insightful, caring and creative soul, worked hard and learned a lot." Maybe a high-powered career is not mutually exclusive with that sort of obituary, but I guess I tend to associate high achievement with a somewhat narrower, more deliberate and possibly competitive focus that isn't necessarily amenable to developing into the creative, contemplative person I described above. I also am considering the possibility that once I find something that truly excites me, what looks like "achievement" (but really is enthusiasm) might naturally follow.
Have your goals or outlook ever shifted like this? What prompted it? Burnout, maturation, both?
Is this gifted child syndrome? Is this burnout? Depression? Maturation?
It could be any of the above. You do sound burnt out. (I can recognize this because I've felt it, very recently/now.) But I also think living a quiet life with the freedom to create, among the people you love, would be the greatest. And I can appreciate your misgivings about the path immediately in front of you.
Unless you're very lucky, though, I'm not sure how easy it would be to arrange a life that allowed for creative work without having to
- Weave some element of ambition into it, if you plan to live off that work (artists and writers still have to sell themselves, compete for grants, etc)
- Take some kind of day job with little responsibility, which may frustrate and stress you with boredom. (If you're a keener, a lot of jobs that don't require specialization will do this to you.) And, find the energy to do your creative work late at night, early in the morning, or on weekends. Not all lower-responsibility jobs are terrible, though - it depends on the organization, people, etc.
- Invest a bit of time and money into acquiring a high-paying, valued skill-set that won't bore or inordinately frustrate you, and also offers the option to work part-time, or at least a sane 40-hr week
- Compromise on income and security, or move to a low COL area. (But, a limited income might feel less tolerable over time. There also may not be jobs in a low COL area. And your friends and family may not want to follow you, if they're not already there.)
- Luck into wads of cash, or property you can monetize, by some unlikely means
- Luck into artistic success that translates into financial success without having to compete, by some unlikely means
- Marry someone who's willing to pool resources with you, who supports your goals and shares your vision
I think those are the options, more or less. They're not all bad, in my opinion (#3 in particular, or a lucky #2). Maybe some of those could be easily settled or eliminated. Otherwise, you've got to pick your poison, I guess :/ I do think life is less hard, though, when you capitalize on your strengths, and seize upon opportunities that present themselves. Maybe self-care, or the right environment, would mitigate some of the stress you anticipate.
What about taking a break to recuperate and do other things, and see how you feel in a year or two? Hopefully, others with experience in your field can say how much time it would be realistic to take for something like this. (What is your field?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:58 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
It could be any of the above. You do sound burnt out. (I can recognize this because I've felt it, very recently/now.) But I also think living a quiet life with the freedom to create, among the people you love, would be the greatest. And I can appreciate your misgivings about the path immediately in front of you.
Unless you're very lucky, though, I'm not sure how easy it would be to arrange a life that allowed for creative work without having to
- Weave some element of ambition into it, if you plan to live off that work (artists and writers still have to sell themselves, compete for grants, etc)
- Take some kind of day job with little responsibility, which may frustrate and stress you with boredom. (If you're a keener, a lot of jobs that don't require specialization will do this to you.) And, find the energy to do your creative work late at night, early in the morning, or on weekends. Not all lower-responsibility jobs are terrible, though - it depends on the organization, people, etc.
- Invest a bit of time and money into acquiring a high-paying, valued skill-set that won't bore or inordinately frustrate you, and also offers the option to work part-time, or at least a sane 40-hr week
- Compromise on income and security, or move to a low COL area. (But, a limited income might feel less tolerable over time. There also may not be jobs in a low COL area. And your friends and family may not want to follow you, if they're not already there.)
- Luck into wads of cash, or property you can monetize, by some unlikely means
- Luck into artistic success that translates into financial success without having to compete, by some unlikely means
- Marry someone who's willing to pool resources with you, who supports your goals and shares your vision
I think those are the options, more or less. They're not all bad, in my opinion (#3 in particular, or a lucky #2). Maybe some of those could be easily settled or eliminated. Otherwise, you've got to pick your poison, I guess :/ I do think life is less hard, though, when you capitalize on your strengths, and seize upon opportunities that present themselves. Maybe self-care, or the right environment, would mitigate some of the stress you anticipate.
What about taking a break to recuperate and do other things, and see how you feel in a year or two? Hopefully, others with experience in your field can say how much time it would be realistic to take for something like this. (What is your field?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:58 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Being a recovering overachiever myself, I've found a few consequences of having your identity so entwined with your achievements:
- You can never "win" academia. It's futile, as you mentioned. The number of citations and amount of funding are poor metrics of the quality of a human being.
- If your efforts are not successful, you are more likely to equate the failure to yourself, even if you did the best you could.
- If you define yourself by your accomplishments, you are never able to stop working; you would experience an identity crisis if you did.
Defining life goals is harder than it sounds, and I think it's completely normal to spend your 20's (and beyond) figuring it out. Money and power aren't great targets, as I think you've concluded. When is enough enough? What do you do after you've gotten what you wanted?
I think that jnnia highlighted a good quote, and it sounds like you actually have a good idea of what you might like your life to look like. The sad part is that it's hard to make a living hanging out, drinking coffee, and painting. I imagine that you are in your current program because you enjoy it (at least somewhat) and are good at it, so start with trying to make smaller changes to direct yourself closer to the path you want to be on. Pass on optional work things, spend a little less time perfecting reports, etc and more of your energy on the things you mentioned.
From my experience, about 50% of "elite" PhD students have the exact same feelings you do, so don't be afraid to open up to your colleagues about this. The other 50% are lucky(?) enough to have their life dreams align with those of the academic/competitive game. Perhaps not coincidentally, the attrition rate of many PhD programs is around 50%...
posted by rocketbadger at 12:23 AM on September 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
- You can never "win" academia. It's futile, as you mentioned. The number of citations and amount of funding are poor metrics of the quality of a human being.
- If your efforts are not successful, you are more likely to equate the failure to yourself, even if you did the best you could.
- If you define yourself by your accomplishments, you are never able to stop working; you would experience an identity crisis if you did.
Defining life goals is harder than it sounds, and I think it's completely normal to spend your 20's (and beyond) figuring it out. Money and power aren't great targets, as I think you've concluded. When is enough enough? What do you do after you've gotten what you wanted?
I think that jnnia highlighted a good quote, and it sounds like you actually have a good idea of what you might like your life to look like. The sad part is that it's hard to make a living hanging out, drinking coffee, and painting. I imagine that you are in your current program because you enjoy it (at least somewhat) and are good at it, so start with trying to make smaller changes to direct yourself closer to the path you want to be on. Pass on optional work things, spend a little less time perfecting reports, etc and more of your energy on the things you mentioned.
From my experience, about 50% of "elite" PhD students have the exact same feelings you do, so don't be afraid to open up to your colleagues about this. The other 50% are lucky(?) enough to have their life dreams align with those of the academic/competitive game. Perhaps not coincidentally, the attrition rate of many PhD programs is around 50%...
posted by rocketbadger at 12:23 AM on September 12, 2015 [5 favorites]
Are you me?
I've recently finished grad school and was drawn to a less ambitious job with 40-hour workweeks. I feel like it's the first time I'm aiming low, especially compared to people in similar situations who found jobs at the most elite places in the field.
I'm ok with that. I figure I'll give this a couple years to rebuild my Maslow base and to see if that achieving itch comes back (famous last words for an academic going to industry).
One researcher surveyed his high achieving friends at 30 and found that nobody grew more ambitious.
posted by spec at 3:24 AM on September 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've recently finished grad school and was drawn to a less ambitious job with 40-hour workweeks. I feel like it's the first time I'm aiming low, especially compared to people in similar situations who found jobs at the most elite places in the field.
I'm ok with that. I figure I'll give this a couple years to rebuild my Maslow base and to see if that achieving itch comes back (famous last words for an academic going to industry).
One researcher surveyed his high achieving friends at 30 and found that nobody grew more ambitious.
posted by spec at 3:24 AM on September 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm about twenty years beyond studies, and as an overachiever, I'd first like to share that this ends up being a cyclical sort of thing. It's good that you're asking questions, because the more you can recognize what's going on, the more you can learn from it both now and when it happens again.
Maybe my basal needs are not being met and I can't even concentrate on higher-order needs like achievement?
Yep, that's part of it. Go have dinner with people you love.
Futility! That's a key ingredient. It's all futile! Adulthood means you get to set your own goals and define your own meaning. This can be pretty rough the first go around; therapy can be a good thing.
...for some of my peers I also just get the impression that they're working to defend their egos and stuff and the entire pursuit feels like a gigantic game I don't know I want to play.
*nodnodnod* This shall be repeated in any sort of career path. You will at times cross people who share your values (which sound like compassion and hard work from where I'm sitting; those also happen to be my main values on the job), and people where you're like, oh my god, the studies about sociopathy and job success are right, shit, what does this mean for me?!?
You don't have to play their game. You can work towards the world you want to see – that's one way I define meaning for my life; yours may be different. I want to live in a world where, hey, achievement is awesome, we all need to feel like we're contributing, and some of us are really attuned to that. Yet I don't want the world to revolve around that, because there's so much more; the world is so rich and diverse.
Once I finish my program I kind of just want to make more time for creative activities, self-study and live my life, not publish to lengthen my CV or pursue fellowship after fellowship after grant submission after conference presentation.
You should start doing more creative activities now! It would help balance things; creativity often helps rediscover energy.
FWIW, as I can only speak from my own experience, I found a good balance of achievement/ambition and compassion in my "high-powered" career in a regular office. I'm on a management track in a field where I can more or less progress at whichever speed suits me. Currently that's "fast" because A. they want me to, B. I want to, C. I lost several years due to previous bad management (the upper manager in question was in fact fired), but I know from fellow manager colleagues that there are ways to lift your foot off the accelerator when needed. The biggest element has been meeting people and fostering relationships; I am purposefully distant from the egoistic ambitious sorts. As soon as I meet someone compassionate – and they all, every single one of them, at every level from junior project manager to experienced regional director, struggle with finding the right balance – I try to get to know them. In every case they've become colleague-friends. People like that are what make it possible to survive amongst inflated egos.
You do not have to play the egoist-ambition game. But there is indeed a compassionate-ambition game. Notice how I call both of them games – when young and naïve, I saw egoists as insincere game-players. Now that I'm nearing 40 and somewhat less naïve, I've noticed that egoists are in fact very sincere. About being ego-centric. They don't hide it. Me purposefully keeping them at arm's length and focusing on people I consider compassionate is also a sort of game. So, hey, call it what it is. Games have a long and storied history, there's the Olympics, so on and so forth. (Makes it easier to be compassionate towards the big egos, which also helps out at times. You'll need a big ego on your side occasionally.)
Therapy can help. So can reconnecting with people you love and creativity. Don't fight the futility; it can carry its own meaning for you. But don't worry too much about getting lost in it either. You sound thoughtful and caring; you'll find your way through it. (Therapy can be part of that. :) )
posted by fraula at 4:48 AM on September 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
Maybe my basal needs are not being met and I can't even concentrate on higher-order needs like achievement?
Yep, that's part of it. Go have dinner with people you love.
Futility! That's a key ingredient. It's all futile! Adulthood means you get to set your own goals and define your own meaning. This can be pretty rough the first go around; therapy can be a good thing.
...for some of my peers I also just get the impression that they're working to defend their egos and stuff and the entire pursuit feels like a gigantic game I don't know I want to play.
*nodnodnod* This shall be repeated in any sort of career path. You will at times cross people who share your values (which sound like compassion and hard work from where I'm sitting; those also happen to be my main values on the job), and people where you're like, oh my god, the studies about sociopathy and job success are right, shit, what does this mean for me?!?
You don't have to play their game. You can work towards the world you want to see – that's one way I define meaning for my life; yours may be different. I want to live in a world where, hey, achievement is awesome, we all need to feel like we're contributing, and some of us are really attuned to that. Yet I don't want the world to revolve around that, because there's so much more; the world is so rich and diverse.
Once I finish my program I kind of just want to make more time for creative activities, self-study and live my life, not publish to lengthen my CV or pursue fellowship after fellowship after grant submission after conference presentation.
You should start doing more creative activities now! It would help balance things; creativity often helps rediscover energy.
FWIW, as I can only speak from my own experience, I found a good balance of achievement/ambition and compassion in my "high-powered" career in a regular office. I'm on a management track in a field where I can more or less progress at whichever speed suits me. Currently that's "fast" because A. they want me to, B. I want to, C. I lost several years due to previous bad management (the upper manager in question was in fact fired), but I know from fellow manager colleagues that there are ways to lift your foot off the accelerator when needed. The biggest element has been meeting people and fostering relationships; I am purposefully distant from the egoistic ambitious sorts. As soon as I meet someone compassionate – and they all, every single one of them, at every level from junior project manager to experienced regional director, struggle with finding the right balance – I try to get to know them. In every case they've become colleague-friends. People like that are what make it possible to survive amongst inflated egos.
You do not have to play the egoist-ambition game. But there is indeed a compassionate-ambition game. Notice how I call both of them games – when young and naïve, I saw egoists as insincere game-players. Now that I'm nearing 40 and somewhat less naïve, I've noticed that egoists are in fact very sincere. About being ego-centric. They don't hide it. Me purposefully keeping them at arm's length and focusing on people I consider compassionate is also a sort of game. So, hey, call it what it is. Games have a long and storied history, there's the Olympics, so on and so forth. (Makes it easier to be compassionate towards the big egos, which also helps out at times. You'll need a big ego on your side occasionally.)
Therapy can help. So can reconnecting with people you love and creativity. Don't fight the futility; it can carry its own meaning for you. But don't worry too much about getting lost in it either. You sound thoughtful and caring; you'll find your way through it. (Therapy can be part of that. :) )
posted by fraula at 4:48 AM on September 12, 2015 [9 favorites]
trees, refreshing sleep, maybe a cat, a cup of tea, and some good books and friends
This sounds like a lovely vacation, but it should be a nice long one, maybe a couple of months. After that, you should know more about yourself.
posted by amtho at 5:35 AM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
This sounds like a lovely vacation, but it should be a nice long one, maybe a couple of months. After that, you should know more about yourself.
posted by amtho at 5:35 AM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Once I finish my program I kind of just want to make more time for creative activities, self-study and live my life, not publish to lengthen my CV or pursue fellowship after fellowship after grant submission after conference presentation. I mostly think to myself, "well, at the end of my life I would like to be able to say that I had some really close and true friends, was an insightful, caring and creative soul, worked hard and learned a lot."
This was exactly how I felt after graduating from my fancy-pants doctoral program. All my friends went off to post-doc, and I took a teaching job at a public undergraduate college nobody has heard of. I love teaching and have time to do a good job at it and really feel like I am changing my students' lives through teaching and mentoring them. I do research with students to help them learn how and to feed my intellectual curiosity. I do some grading and course prep on the weekends, but I mostly work 40-50 hour weeks. I have friends, volunteer, read books, go to movies and plays, and genuinely enjoy my life. When I'm at conferences or read a paper a friend published, I get a little misty at what I gave up, but I am 90% happy with my life's choices.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:38 AM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
This was exactly how I felt after graduating from my fancy-pants doctoral program. All my friends went off to post-doc, and I took a teaching job at a public undergraduate college nobody has heard of. I love teaching and have time to do a good job at it and really feel like I am changing my students' lives through teaching and mentoring them. I do research with students to help them learn how and to feed my intellectual curiosity. I do some grading and course prep on the weekends, but I mostly work 40-50 hour weeks. I have friends, volunteer, read books, go to movies and plays, and genuinely enjoy my life. When I'm at conferences or read a paper a friend published, I get a little misty at what I gave up, but I am 90% happy with my life's choices.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:38 AM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I took a long long vacation after finishing grad school. Quite honestly, I pretty much blew off my first 6 months at my first job afterwards as well. It was good to get my bearings and remind myself why I got into the field in the first place and what I really wanted out of life. At the same time, I also have started exploring other interests and expanding my horizons in life outside of work.
My perspective is that my drive is a gift, and I have to make sure to cultivate it and reevaluate where I am in life and if I am going in the direction I want to be in. That has worked out well for me.
posted by deanc at 7:49 AM on September 12, 2015
My perspective is that my drive is a gift, and I have to make sure to cultivate it and reevaluate where I am in life and if I am going in the direction I want to be in. That has worked out well for me.
posted by deanc at 7:49 AM on September 12, 2015
I don't have good advice for you, but the exact same thing happened when i graduated from my doctoral program at 30 — I wanted time to make art, to build a life, to sit around with tea and talk about good books and maybe learn to cook. I think I'm past the burn-out and the exhaustion now, and I still really want that. I can't tell you how it's going to turn out in five or ten years, but so far I feel really happy with the shift, and I have no doubt that eventually I'll be driven about something else, hopefully something that lets me live a bit more balanced a life. There isn't just one way to be happy, and honestly I've been amazed to discover how broadly applicable the troubleshooting and communication and other "soft" skills I gained during my doctorate have turned out to be. Good luck!
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:42 AM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by you're a kitty! at 9:42 AM on September 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Grad school burns almost everyone out, once you remove the pressure of constant achievement and get some rest your natural curiosity and love of learning might give you the motivation to keep going on an academic path if it’s the right path for you. I think it is possible to be driven by less ego-based values and still be successful at a research institution but it’s perhaps less common in today’s “publish or perish” institutions where there’s this competitiveness and fear prevalent in some departments. There are also people who genuinely love their work so much they enjoy working all the time, I respect those people but recognized that was not me during grad school (I also had a baby which really forced me to recognize and accept my limitations relative to certain others).
It sounds like you’re learning that when you aren’t getting enough personal time (and perhaps when your life feels like nothing but obligations), you run out of steam. You need to build replenishing activities back into your life, grad school be damned. I’ve watched so many people burn out in grad school and it’s really not necessary, it’s hard to see that when you’re in the thick of it though which is why spending time with family and friends and on other activities is so important.
Read some Martha Beck, some post-academic/academia blogs and books and see what resonates for you. For me, I spent a lot of time doing self reflection type activities (and sort of depressively ruminating in the final two years of my program which wasn't helpful). The reflection did help me when I went on job interviews and I ended up in a job that is a much better fit for me than a tenure-track position would be. I feel like I took the best aspects of what I enjoyed about grad school (learning, writing), got to leave the ones I don't out (isolation, running experiments), and got to pick up some new skills/activities that I enjoy.
posted by lafemma at 1:54 PM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you’re learning that when you aren’t getting enough personal time (and perhaps when your life feels like nothing but obligations), you run out of steam. You need to build replenishing activities back into your life, grad school be damned. I’ve watched so many people burn out in grad school and it’s really not necessary, it’s hard to see that when you’re in the thick of it though which is why spending time with family and friends and on other activities is so important.
Read some Martha Beck, some post-academic/academia blogs and books and see what resonates for you. For me, I spent a lot of time doing self reflection type activities (and sort of depressively ruminating in the final two years of my program which wasn't helpful). The reflection did help me when I went on job interviews and I ended up in a job that is a much better fit for me than a tenure-track position would be. I feel like I took the best aspects of what I enjoyed about grad school (learning, writing), got to leave the ones I don't out (isolation, running experiments), and got to pick up some new skills/activities that I enjoy.
posted by lafemma at 1:54 PM on September 12, 2015 [2 favorites]
I see people left and right in my program who are working very hard to become leaders in their fields/get prestigious fellowships/whatever and I vaguely think to myself, "good for them, how nice that they are rewarded for their hard work," but for some of my peers I also just get the impression that they're working to defend their egos and stuff and the entire pursuit feels like a gigantic game I don't know I want to play.I've been fairly intimate with a couple academics and I think this is actually the only possible motivating factor for achieving in that system. The publish-or-perish, cutthroat world of academia in 2015 is not a place for people who want ordinary things like financial security, work-life balance, or time for hobbies. The only people I know who are actually happy with being in grad school for life are 100% committed to furthering themselves as distinguished experts in their field. Everyone else is in some transitory state of burnout or trying to justify the enormous volume of thankless unpaid work while secretly longing for a way out. Only you can decide which kind of person you are. If you're in the first category, then great, I think you should keep doing it. If not, well..
As an outsider, my perspective is that there's a sort of unspoken accumulation of social capital that keeps a lot of people in the latter category running on the treadmill. The common refrain is that having a normal job is less fulfilling, that being a professor/researcher is a noble calling, and that if you were to get off that treadmill, you'd find yourself bored working in some office doing thankless paperwork. But to an observer from outside of the academic world, a lot of what academics do looks like thankless paperwork. Corporate jobs are colloquially known to be soul-sucking, and the academic world seems like a way out of that system. But a lot of people I know who went into academia ended up doing similarly miserable work for slave wages, justified by the "noble calling" belief. As I see it, this belief serves the establishment by encouraging you to identify with your position within the system, so that it becomes impossible to imagine a different life without the system.
Ultimately, though, it's your choice whether or not to buy into that system. I think your ideas about what constitutes achievement are very idealized. In reality, we all have our limits. We are limited by our actual abilities, by the economy, by the institutions that run our world, etc.. "Achievement" the way you're describing it is a lot more than just hard work and talent, and a lot of it is beyond our control. (Personally I don't even care about that kind of achievement.)
So I think there is a certain constructive insanity required to truly believe you can be the best at anything, and then to commit to any kind of program where that is the goal. That said, it obviously works for some people. Are you one of those people?
posted by deathpanels at 4:10 PM on September 12, 2015 [7 favorites]
Have your goals or outlook ever shifted like this? What prompted it? Burnout, maturation, both?
Sometimes, people see a shift because they accomplished a Thing and it satisfied something in their soul and now they no longer hunger desperately for Thing because they checked it off their internal Bucket List and are freed up to hunger for something else.
posted by Michele in California at 3:36 PM on September 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sometimes, people see a shift because they accomplished a Thing and it satisfied something in their soul and now they no longer hunger desperately for Thing because they checked it off their internal Bucket List and are freed up to hunger for something else.
posted by Michele in California at 3:36 PM on September 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
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I think this is very insightful and is worth exploring. It sounds honest and considered. I would imagine that you already know several top people in your field or at least have a general idea of what their lives might be like. What are their lives like? Envision that, hold it in your mind and ask yourself honestly if you want your life to be like theirs. How would you feel if it wasn't? However you feel is ok - it's more about figuring out how be true to yourself. Understand that holding on to this because you've already invested so much is not a good reason to hold on if you understand deep down that the path you are on isn't right for you.
My goals shifted in a similar way - I was on a type-A career track even though very deep down I hated it. Eventually I burned out, left my industry and split my time between freelancing and doing my own thing in my own time. It's been three years and I still don't feel like I have a direction...but I am as happy as I have ever been. While new anxieties have certainly taken the place of old ones, I prefer them to the old ones because I feel more congruent.
The best advice I have is to listen to the calm voice inside you. Sometimes what it says seems audacious, but it usually guides true.
posted by jnnla at 10:09 PM on September 11, 2015 [13 favorites]