When should you compromise on compromising?
August 11, 2015 3:01 PM Subscribe
An old flame who has since moved away has recently reached out to me asking if we can give things another go. I'm amenable to the idea, but I feel rather strongly that we should spend a weekend together in a neutral location before deciding anything further. Planning for this has stalled. My gut is giving me mixed signals, has this reached an end or do I need to be more flexible?
I dated a someone briefly 5+ years ago, and while we were compatible in many ways, nothing developed for numerous reasons. In the intervening years we stayed in touch, but we did not develop a close relationship. During this time he's moved to another city.
A few months ago he was back in our town for a few days and we spent some time together. There were sparks, but we both kept a respectful distance. Since then we've been in touch via phone or text several times a week. A few weeks ago he playfully suggested that I come spend some time in his town (my job offers some location flexibility). I asked "what for" and this started a conversation about how he's changed in the intervening years (he has, noticeably, even from a distance) and how he's always had regrets for never carrying things further between us, and he wanted to give it another go, despite the distance between us. I said I still had feelings for him and I was open to the idea. (I once dismissed an ex attempting to reconcile in a fairly brusque fashion, which I later came to regret. I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again.) So, fully aware that at this stage it's just an idea and nothing more I allowed it to be put it on the table.
To kick off getting reacquainted I suggested that we spend a weekend together in a city midway between us. I feel that it's a pretty strong gauge of seriousness that someone will make the travel work. I've repeatedly suggested that we meet somewhere neutral. He's repeatedly invited me to his city.
This is where we sit. I think the effort BOTH of us need to put into travel to a neutral location is indicative of seriousness on both sides of the table. However, I do know that financially the travel may be a stretch for him, so perhaps striving for what I view as equitable is waiting for something that simply cannot happen.
Am I blind to the foolishness of the whole thing, that this really just the world's most elaborate booty call, or sexting gone awry?
Would you assess the situation as "meh" turn heel and walk away or would you put a little more effort into it?
I dated a someone briefly 5+ years ago, and while we were compatible in many ways, nothing developed for numerous reasons. In the intervening years we stayed in touch, but we did not develop a close relationship. During this time he's moved to another city.
A few months ago he was back in our town for a few days and we spent some time together. There were sparks, but we both kept a respectful distance. Since then we've been in touch via phone or text several times a week. A few weeks ago he playfully suggested that I come spend some time in his town (my job offers some location flexibility). I asked "what for" and this started a conversation about how he's changed in the intervening years (he has, noticeably, even from a distance) and how he's always had regrets for never carrying things further between us, and he wanted to give it another go, despite the distance between us. I said I still had feelings for him and I was open to the idea. (I once dismissed an ex attempting to reconcile in a fairly brusque fashion, which I later came to regret. I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again.) So, fully aware that at this stage it's just an idea and nothing more I allowed it to be put it on the table.
To kick off getting reacquainted I suggested that we spend a weekend together in a city midway between us. I feel that it's a pretty strong gauge of seriousness that someone will make the travel work. I've repeatedly suggested that we meet somewhere neutral. He's repeatedly invited me to his city.
This is where we sit. I think the effort BOTH of us need to put into travel to a neutral location is indicative of seriousness on both sides of the table. However, I do know that financially the travel may be a stretch for him, so perhaps striving for what I view as equitable is waiting for something that simply cannot happen.
Am I blind to the foolishness of the whole thing, that this really just the world's most elaborate booty call, or sexting gone awry?
Would you assess the situation as "meh" turn heel and walk away or would you put a little more effort into it?
What? You yourself say you've never been serious with this guy before, so why on earth would you expect him to "prove his seriousness" now? If you want to see where this goes, then do it, like a new relationship, but setting up artificial complications seems ... Weird.
posted by celtalitha at 3:09 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by celtalitha at 3:09 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: He invited you to his city and you suggested meeting in the middle instead - he probably thinks you're being "meh" and probably figures if you won't take him up on his invite that you're not that interested. To put it another way, he's probably testing you the same way you're testing him.
posted by amro at 3:09 PM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by amro at 3:09 PM on August 11, 2015 [8 favorites]
Why wouldn't you just ask him straight up?
"Is there a particular reason you don't want to meet up with in Midway City?"
posted by vunder at 3:12 PM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
"Is there a particular reason you don't want to meet up with in Midway City?"
posted by vunder at 3:12 PM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
I've been on the receiving end of "come to my place, fuck me and then go home". I don't care how good you are in bed, you're not worth that much time and effort, especially if you're going to sit on your backside and expect everything to get delivered to you. I am not some kind of sex-pizza.
In this situation, I'd cut him loose. He doesn't want to put any effort in, but instead wants you to do all of the legwork. Maybe if you're in his city at some point in the future, you could hook up with him. But it sounds like he's not into you enough to put any kind of effort in, which doesn't bode well.
posted by Solomon at 3:13 PM on August 11, 2015 [25 favorites]
In this situation, I'd cut him loose. He doesn't want to put any effort in, but instead wants you to do all of the legwork. Maybe if you're in his city at some point in the future, you could hook up with him. But it sounds like he's not into you enough to put any kind of effort in, which doesn't bode well.
posted by Solomon at 3:13 PM on August 11, 2015 [25 favorites]
It actually sounds like a stronger gauge of seriousness to be invited to his city.
If it were me, I'd be thinking that suggesting a meeting in the middle meant you wanted to keep it light, ie no chances of meeting his friends or seeing what his day-to-day environment was.
posted by maggiemaggie at 3:14 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
If it were me, I'd be thinking that suggesting a meeting in the middle meant you wanted to keep it light, ie no chances of meeting his friends or seeing what his day-to-day environment was.
posted by maggiemaggie at 3:14 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think it's too early to ask for a gauge of commitment. You're both still figuring out if you're actually still attracted to one another. Go visit. If that works out, then it will be his turn to visit you. If he doesn't wanna, there's your answer. You may be overthinking this. There is no easy shortcut or litmus test for if a new relationship is going to work out. Even a new relationship that is based on something that happened ages ago. You just have to take it for a test spin and see what happens. Or decide if that's too much work. Up to you. And best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:17 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 3:17 PM on August 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
This is where we sit. I think the effort BOTH of us need to put into travel to a neutral location is indicative of seriousness on both sides of the table. However, I do know that financially the travel may be a stretch for him, so perhaps striving for what I view as equitable is waiting for something that simply cannot happen.
I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't do this, but I don't think this is the best way to go about it. You guys are essentially in the early stages of dating. Would you expect a big time and money commitment from someone who you'd only gone on a couple of dates with? It sounds like you have work flexibility and some spare money, but this guy may not have either.
If you want to see where this goes, then you should take him up on his invitation. Make plans to go stay in his city for a weekend. I'm assuming you'll be staying at his place, and if that's the case, this also saves everyone the price of a hotel. Then, if it goes well, next time he can come stay with you. Either way, I would approach this as a fun weekend, which may or may not lead to something more.
Also, one thing that has been really helpful for me to keep in mind is that fair doesn't necessarily mean an even split. More to the point, respect and consideration in a relationship are important, but once you start trying to negotiate a relationship based on fairness, I think you're already setting yourself up for trouble. Same goes for trying to test someone's commitment.
Look, it sounds like you might regret this if you don't do it, and worst case scenario, you spend a couple days there and maybe don't enjoy it that much, but at least you won't wonder what if. Best case scenario, you might find a great SO. Of course, if you don't feel like it's worth the time /effort/money, that's totally reasonable, and you should let this guy know that it's just not the right time or place to make this work.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:27 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't do this, but I don't think this is the best way to go about it. You guys are essentially in the early stages of dating. Would you expect a big time and money commitment from someone who you'd only gone on a couple of dates with? It sounds like you have work flexibility and some spare money, but this guy may not have either.
If you want to see where this goes, then you should take him up on his invitation. Make plans to go stay in his city for a weekend. I'm assuming you'll be staying at his place, and if that's the case, this also saves everyone the price of a hotel. Then, if it goes well, next time he can come stay with you. Either way, I would approach this as a fun weekend, which may or may not lead to something more.
Also, one thing that has been really helpful for me to keep in mind is that fair doesn't necessarily mean an even split. More to the point, respect and consideration in a relationship are important, but once you start trying to negotiate a relationship based on fairness, I think you're already setting yourself up for trouble. Same goes for trying to test someone's commitment.
Look, it sounds like you might regret this if you don't do it, and worst case scenario, you spend a couple days there and maybe don't enjoy it that much, but at least you won't wonder what if. Best case scenario, you might find a great SO. Of course, if you don't feel like it's worth the time /effort/money, that's totally reasonable, and you should let this guy know that it's just not the right time or place to make this work.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:27 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
that this really just the world's most elaborate booty call
If it were, would you feel deceived/resentful? Is that why you're setting up tests? And is that why everything feels fraught and unfun?
If so, I imagine you'd like to jolt yourself out of this unfun/resentful place. Have you considered treating this projected weekend as a mini-affair? An affair that YOU would like to have, for your own fine reasons?
If that sounds appealing, make it happen: accept the invitation, make your travel plans, pack something glamorous, and treat it all as an enjoyable getaway. It's possible that during the weekend or during subsequent phone/text follow-ups, those sparks will transfer to kindling. Or not. Don't count it a failure, if it doesn't.
posted by feral_goldfish at 3:58 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
If it were, would you feel deceived/resentful? Is that why you're setting up tests? And is that why everything feels fraught and unfun?
If so, I imagine you'd like to jolt yourself out of this unfun/resentful place. Have you considered treating this projected weekend as a mini-affair? An affair that YOU would like to have, for your own fine reasons?
If that sounds appealing, make it happen: accept the invitation, make your travel plans, pack something glamorous, and treat it all as an enjoyable getaway. It's possible that during the weekend or during subsequent phone/text follow-ups, those sparks will transfer to kindling. Or not. Don't count it a failure, if it doesn't.
posted by feral_goldfish at 3:58 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Your desire to see signs of shared effort on his part seems completely reasonable to me. I'm assuming that even if your work has some flexibility, this is not an insignificant thing for him to ask in terms of time, emotional investment, and perhaps even money. If this is going to have any long-term potential, presumably you wouldn't want to be the one always going to his place, would you?
IF you want to give things a chance (to be honest, you sound a little 'meh' yourself, which is certainly a good reason to cut things off now if you want), the one thing I'd suggest you do differently is communicate what you're feeling. Right now it sounds like you're both talking past one another on this travel thing, so make sure he understands what you're REALLY asking for by requesting that he meet you halfway. If it turns out that he can't afford this, that's his opportunity to say so and work with you to figure out other ways of making sure you're not the only one making an effort here.
Even if the travel thing doesn't work, it is 100% reasonable to make it clear that you want an equitable relationship.
posted by DingoMutt at 4:10 PM on August 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
IF you want to give things a chance (to be honest, you sound a little 'meh' yourself, which is certainly a good reason to cut things off now if you want), the one thing I'd suggest you do differently is communicate what you're feeling. Right now it sounds like you're both talking past one another on this travel thing, so make sure he understands what you're REALLY asking for by requesting that he meet you halfway. If it turns out that he can't afford this, that's his opportunity to say so and work with you to figure out other ways of making sure you're not the only one making an effort here.
Even if the travel thing doesn't work, it is 100% reasonable to make it clear that you want an equitable relationship.
posted by DingoMutt at 4:10 PM on August 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
I think the effort BOTH of us need to put into travel to a neutral location is indicative of seriousness on both sides of the table.
Have you specifically mentioned this to him? What did he say?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:13 PM on August 11, 2015
Have you specifically mentioned this to him? What did he say?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:13 PM on August 11, 2015
Honestly, instead of trying to set up tests to gauge how your potential beau feels, just ask him straight up. When he talks about you two dating again, just mention the obvious - you live in two different cities, how would that actually work? And if he says, well, we would visit each other, you're all good. If he says something like, well, you have work flexibility, you can just come to see me all the time, you know where you stand and screw that.
posted by Jubey at 4:16 PM on August 11, 2015
posted by Jubey at 4:16 PM on August 11, 2015
Maybe he is SO serious about things that he wants to show you how great his city is in case he could convince you to move there.
posted by salvia at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, he was just in your town; isn't it fair to meet in his town next?
posted by salvia at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by salvia at 4:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
that this really just the world's most elaborate booty call
If you two are far enough apart that meeting in the middle could be described as a financial stretch, I'd suggest that a relationship with him will be problematic and frustrating and likely end badly. He may mean well now, but if you will be the one that always has to travel to see him, it can feel problematic.
posted by Candleman at 4:22 PM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
If you two are far enough apart that meeting in the middle could be described as a financial stretch, I'd suggest that a relationship with him will be problematic and frustrating and likely end badly. He may mean well now, but if you will be the one that always has to travel to see him, it can feel problematic.
posted by Candleman at 4:22 PM on August 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
You haven't seen each other in 5 years, right? He'd have to be delusional to promise you anything at this stage. He's thinking of past you, not current you. You have to start over. For a first date, meeting in the middle seems fair.
Don't know whether he's lonely and wants easy sex with a "sure thing" or whether he's delusional (or immature/romantic) enough to make lasting promises at this stage. Only know you are not unreasonable and getting back together with exes almost never works anyway. I'm with you, trust your gut.
posted by quincunx at 4:33 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Don't know whether he's lonely and wants easy sex with a "sure thing" or whether he's delusional (or immature/romantic) enough to make lasting promises at this stage. Only know you are not unreasonable and getting back together with exes almost never works anyway. I'm with you, trust your gut.
posted by quincunx at 4:33 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
this really just the world's most elaborate booty call
There is nothing wrong with a good booty call with the right person.
If this is not what you want, however, it's okay to tell him that and see if there are other ways besides this One Thing that would make you feel more okay with it.
I agree with other people, I'd be trying to see if there's an in-person spark before trying to do something elaborate like go on vacation together (3which is what the neutral location sounds like). And it may be in his mind he's already been to your town and now he wants you to come to his. As someone who seems to constantly be in LDRs, that doesn't seem so crazy to me.
I think if you don't want to make it a booty call, visit his town, don't stay with him and spend a lot of quality non-snorgling time together and see how you feel about moving it forward. If it were me, I'd put more effort into it.
posted by jessamyn at 4:43 PM on August 11, 2015
There is nothing wrong with a good booty call with the right person.
If this is not what you want, however, it's okay to tell him that and see if there are other ways besides this One Thing that would make you feel more okay with it.
I agree with other people, I'd be trying to see if there's an in-person spark before trying to do something elaborate like go on vacation together (3which is what the neutral location sounds like). And it may be in his mind he's already been to your town and now he wants you to come to his. As someone who seems to constantly be in LDRs, that doesn't seem so crazy to me.
I think if you don't want to make it a booty call, visit his town, don't stay with him and spend a lot of quality non-snorgling time together and see how you feel about moving it forward. If it were me, I'd put more effort into it.
posted by jessamyn at 4:43 PM on August 11, 2015
Best answer: I must say I wouldn't be in much of a hurry to spend time, money and effort to get to someone who didn't have any skin in the game.
But I once dismissed an ex attempting to reconcile in a fairly brusque fashion, which I later came to regret. I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again.
This made me wonder if you maybe have a tendency to think that there are correct and proper ways of doing things, and someone who doesn't live up to these standards may have dishonourable intentions?
As in, a guy who likes you must behave in this certain way, and if he doesn't behave in that way it's evidence that he doesn't like you/isn't a good guy/etc.
If you get a vibe he's not that into you, or you're not into him yourself, don't bother. But don't extrapolate his feelings for you based on an arbitrary test of commitment.
posted by Dwardles at 4:57 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
But I once dismissed an ex attempting to reconcile in a fairly brusque fashion, which I later came to regret. I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again.
This made me wonder if you maybe have a tendency to think that there are correct and proper ways of doing things, and someone who doesn't live up to these standards may have dishonourable intentions?
As in, a guy who likes you must behave in this certain way, and if he doesn't behave in that way it's evidence that he doesn't like you/isn't a good guy/etc.
If you get a vibe he's not that into you, or you're not into him yourself, don't bother. But don't extrapolate his feelings for you based on an arbitrary test of commitment.
posted by Dwardles at 4:57 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I've repeatedly suggested that we meet somewhere neutral. He's repeatedly invited me to his city."
Or in other words, by his actions he is telling you NO. You say this has been going for "a few weeks" now, but you've not yet been able to put any mutual plans on the calendar at all? Nope. (Since you asked what I'd do: I'd bail, immediately. Because I am super Type-A and can't abide the whole "C'mon, let's agree to make the kind of plans that are super convenient and cheaper for ME in my own town" deal he's hoping to get you to agree to.) There's a good reason your gut feeling is not one of overwhelming anticipation and excitement here. What you're asking for vis-a-vis "neutral" territory is not unreasonable -- I can't tell exactly from your wording here, but I can imagine how staying at his house and going to his favorite local places might feel like a little too much too soon, and totally lopsided since you're only still getting romantically reacquainted.
"I once dismissed an ex attempting to reconcile in a fairly brusque fashion, which I later came to regret. I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again."
Well, that ex is an entirely different person than this particular ex. Don't conflate the two and confuse the issue.
posted by hush at 5:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Or in other words, by his actions he is telling you NO. You say this has been going for "a few weeks" now, but you've not yet been able to put any mutual plans on the calendar at all? Nope. (Since you asked what I'd do: I'd bail, immediately. Because I am super Type-A and can't abide the whole "C'mon, let's agree to make the kind of plans that are super convenient and cheaper for ME in my own town" deal he's hoping to get you to agree to.) There's a good reason your gut feeling is not one of overwhelming anticipation and excitement here. What you're asking for vis-a-vis "neutral" territory is not unreasonable -- I can't tell exactly from your wording here, but I can imagine how staying at his house and going to his favorite local places might feel like a little too much too soon, and totally lopsided since you're only still getting romantically reacquainted.
"I once dismissed an ex attempting to reconcile in a fairly brusque fashion, which I later came to regret. I promised myself I'd never make that mistake again."
Well, that ex is an entirely different person than this particular ex. Don't conflate the two and confuse the issue.
posted by hush at 5:20 PM on August 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Are you willing to go hang out with him even if it's totally pointless and doesn't go anywhere, as far as what it would take monetarily/work maneuvering/etc wise?
A lot of times when i go to hang out with someone even in the same city i ask myself the question of, well if i get all the way there and it ends up being pointless and i end up just turning around and going home... was it still worth it just for the possibility of it being good, or trying something news sake, etc?
I kinda despise "tests", and am generally on the side of "if you feel you need to put up some kind of test, walk away"... but how about if he offers to pay for half of/all of your plane ticket, but you still go there?
How about he shoulders a portion(or all) of the financial burden even if he doesn't travel? That would likely be cheaper for both of you, and then you wouldn't feel like you were putting in all the effort.
Sometimes an absolutely equal division of everything is a bit much, but a more equal division of resources in general can be(at least more) fair.
posted by emptythought at 6:02 PM on August 11, 2015
A lot of times when i go to hang out with someone even in the same city i ask myself the question of, well if i get all the way there and it ends up being pointless and i end up just turning around and going home... was it still worth it just for the possibility of it being good, or trying something news sake, etc?
I kinda despise "tests", and am generally on the side of "if you feel you need to put up some kind of test, walk away"... but how about if he offers to pay for half of/all of your plane ticket, but you still go there?
How about he shoulders a portion(or all) of the financial burden even if he doesn't travel? That would likely be cheaper for both of you, and then you wouldn't feel like you were putting in all the effort.
Sometimes an absolutely equal division of everything is a bit much, but a more equal division of resources in general can be(at least more) fair.
posted by emptythought at 6:02 PM on August 11, 2015
Why not just straight up tell him "I am suggesting this thing because I think it shows seriousness about trying this again on both sides"?
Don't ask us. Ask him.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:13 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Don't ask us. Ask him.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 6:13 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
My gut is giving me mixed signals
I don't think it is, actually. I think you're not that into this idea regardless of geography.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:14 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think it is, actually. I think you're not that into this idea regardless of geography.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:14 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's also possible that he's not able to afford to travel to a third city and is embarrassed about it.
Regardless, I don't think wanting "seriousness" out of this is the right way to look at it at all. And even if he agreed and that passed your test of "seriousness", you're still essentially casually dating someone that lives long-distance.
posted by Automocar at 6:34 PM on August 11, 2015
Regardless, I don't think wanting "seriousness" out of this is the right way to look at it at all. And even if he agreed and that passed your test of "seriousness", you're still essentially casually dating someone that lives long-distance.
posted by Automocar at 6:34 PM on August 11, 2015
Best answer: He recently came to the city that you're living in, why can't you go to him this time? If things continue, you can certainly put in requests for how to deal with the distance (taking turns travelling? Meeting half-way? etc). For this one trip where you are assessing whether you are still into each other, I think that insisting on mutual territory (What is this? A stand-off?) is playing games.
Besides, seeing how he lives will help you get to know him again, right?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:39 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Besides, seeing how he lives will help you get to know him again, right?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:39 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: OK, I've gone back and read your previous question about Mr. Avoidant Ex of 2014, and I'm cutting you off. No hijinks-weekend-with-glamor-filled-luggage for you!
And no more heavy* reading of lightly-meant signals, or forcing these signals to justify themselves. For example:
he said that he just didn't have it in him to try, that he doesn't have it in him to be with anyone right now, not even me. He said he feels like such a failure that he can't even contemplate letting someone that close again.
Hopefully enough time has passed that it won't hurt you to notice these words, with all their overwrought embroidery, actually say IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME, which is code for: we're breaking up, but I don't want to hurt your feelings (especially because I am Mr. Avoidant, so I'm avoiding the very act of avoiding someone). They do not need to be taken at face value, viz. Sadly, I feel worse for him. He put so much of himself into something that failed that he's become terrified of it.
Similarly, notice the slippage between your gloss here:
he reached out to me asking if we can give things another go.
vs. the somewhat more blow-by-blow version:
he playfully suggested that I come spend some time in his town (my job offers some location flexibility). I asked "what for" and this started a conversation
Mr. Flame of 2010 flirted (lightly -- which doesn't mean insincerely), you asked him justify himself by pinning down his intentions ... and things twisted into the pretzel where you're currently trapped.
You could try leveling with Mr. Flame about your unspoken test. But do so only if you feel he's capable of telling you that no he's NOT that serious. Also, you have to be ready to believe him. Also you have to decide ahead of time whether 'not yet' is acceptable, bearing in mind that 'not yet' can also be a way of saying 'no' that spares the self-regard of BOTH parties.
My advice, though, is to steer clear of all beaux who don't share your distinctive-but-valid temperament.
* Using the heavy/light metaphor for describing characters, as in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which is a pretentious title but a handy concept. Or maybe your phrase 'anxious attachment style' does the same work.
posted by feral_goldfish at 7:11 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
And no more heavy* reading of lightly-meant signals, or forcing these signals to justify themselves. For example:
he said that he just didn't have it in him to try, that he doesn't have it in him to be with anyone right now, not even me. He said he feels like such a failure that he can't even contemplate letting someone that close again.
Hopefully enough time has passed that it won't hurt you to notice these words, with all their overwrought embroidery, actually say IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME, which is code for: we're breaking up, but I don't want to hurt your feelings (especially because I am Mr. Avoidant, so I'm avoiding the very act of avoiding someone). They do not need to be taken at face value, viz. Sadly, I feel worse for him. He put so much of himself into something that failed that he's become terrified of it.
Similarly, notice the slippage between your gloss here:
he reached out to me asking if we can give things another go.
vs. the somewhat more blow-by-blow version:
he playfully suggested that I come spend some time in his town (my job offers some location flexibility). I asked "what for" and this started a conversation
Mr. Flame of 2010 flirted (lightly -- which doesn't mean insincerely), you asked him justify himself by pinning down his intentions ... and things twisted into the pretzel where you're currently trapped.
You could try leveling with Mr. Flame about your unspoken test. But do so only if you feel he's capable of telling you that no he's NOT that serious. Also, you have to be ready to believe him. Also you have to decide ahead of time whether 'not yet' is acceptable, bearing in mind that 'not yet' can also be a way of saying 'no' that spares the self-regard of BOTH parties.
My advice, though, is to steer clear of all beaux who don't share your distinctive-but-valid temperament.
* Using the heavy/light metaphor for describing characters, as in The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which is a pretentious title but a handy concept. Or maybe your phrase 'anxious attachment style' does the same work.
posted by feral_goldfish at 7:11 PM on August 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Note the key reason for steering clear of incompatible boyfriend material: you don't want to be all distracted and emotionally entangled when Mr. Kindred-Soul sails into sight.
Also, there are quite a few Mr. Kindred-Souls out there, so you don't need to interrogate everyone just in case they might be him in disguise.
posted by feral_goldfish at 7:23 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, there are quite a few Mr. Kindred-Souls out there, so you don't need to interrogate everyone just in case they might be him in disguise.
posted by feral_goldfish at 7:23 PM on August 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Some of you have opened my eyes to the fact that I'm trying to inject certainty into an inherently uncertain situation by setting parameters that will predict an outcome if they are met. Much as I would love there to be a single action that portends the future, not an uncommon pattern of mine, where this first weekend together occurs isn't that single action. If it's not going to fly it's not going to fly, here, there, or anywhere.
He's invited me into his home. I want to see him. It could be awesome.
I called and suggested a weekend, he said that works great. I'm going. He's excited. I'm excited. I think the "you're overthinking this" camp nailed it.
posted by bernie60676 at 7:47 PM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
He's invited me into his home. I want to see him. It could be awesome.
I called and suggested a weekend, he said that works great. I'm going. He's excited. I'm excited. I think the "you're overthinking this" camp nailed it.
posted by bernie60676 at 7:47 PM on August 11, 2015 [13 favorites]
Yay! I'm also, vicariously, excited!
If I may offer a bit more advice: pick at least one thing that will give you pleasure regardless of how events are panning out with Mr. Flame. Maybe make a pilgrimage to a painting you've always wanted to see in Flame City Art Museum. Maybe bring a fancy bottle of wine (unless wine makes you emotionally volatile) and a box of chocolates. If he's being a jerk, steal all the pralines.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:57 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I may offer a bit more advice: pick at least one thing that will give you pleasure regardless of how events are panning out with Mr. Flame. Maybe make a pilgrimage to a painting you've always wanted to see in Flame City Art Museum. Maybe bring a fancy bottle of wine (unless wine makes you emotionally volatile) and a box of chocolates. If he's being a jerk, steal all the pralines.
posted by feral_goldfish at 8:57 PM on August 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel that it's a pretty strong gauge of seriousness that someone will make the travel work. I've repeatedly suggested that we meet somewhere neutral. He's repeatedly invited me to his city.
I don't see why this guy wouldn't meet somewhere neutral, or meet you in your home town. And I don't read your wanting to meet on neutral ground as a "test" - I read it as your preference, and a reasonable one at that. I would not want to get re-entangled with an old flame on their turf just because they refused to meet me halfway.
I hope you have a great time with him, but I also hope that you will allow yourself to have reasonable preferences in the future and respect those preferences.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:49 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't see why this guy wouldn't meet somewhere neutral, or meet you in your home town. And I don't read your wanting to meet on neutral ground as a "test" - I read it as your preference, and a reasonable one at that. I would not want to get re-entangled with an old flame on their turf just because they refused to meet me halfway.
I hope you have a great time with him, but I also hope that you will allow yourself to have reasonable preferences in the future and respect those preferences.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:49 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
A man will move heaven and Earth to be with a woman he has strong feelings for, never forget that.
posted by waving at 8:58 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 8:58 AM on August 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The OP isn't hoping his ex has strong feelings for a woman.
posted by feral_goldfish at 5:11 PM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by feral_goldfish at 5:11 PM on August 12, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by restless_nomad at 3:07 PM on August 11, 2015 [9 favorites]