Advice for someone new to crossdressing and D/s.
September 26, 2012 7:06 AM Subscribe
My husband just told me he's into crossdressing and wants to introduce D/s into our sex life.
posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
Basically, my husband of 6 years told me that he's really into crossdressing, and wants to do some kinkier stuff where I top him. I'm getting more okay with this; at the time he told me I was really upset because I felt like he was saying that the few years of our sex lives was inadequate. However, we talked about it, and he assured me that it was not, that he loved us, and that he loved having sex with me. Every now and then I have little twinges of panic and grief, particularly when he talks about wanting me to cum inside him using a dildo, but I’m gradually getting over that. I’m getting to a point where I understand that it’s more a kind of scene/play than him actually wanting me to be a man or have a dick. Heck, it’s not like we haven’t used strap ons before. He just wasn’t in a skirt those other times. So far, I’ve helped him pick a “goal corset” (if he does really well at his homework/upcoming tests, we’ll get him that) and have sent him some images of clothes and shoes. TBH I think the thing that bothers me is that in the porn links he’s sent me showing what he wants to do (like a crossdresser getting fucked in the ass), it looks painful and borderline non-consensual. When I see things like that, all the parts of my brain are like, NO ME GUSTA! Besides this, we've actually had some fun exploring this new aspect of our relationship; we've also been checking in with one another pretty frequently, and have had a lot of really good, really deep conversations about this permutation in our evolving sex lives.
Anyways, as we’ve talked further about this, it’s becoming clearer to me that he’s really into being submissive as well. This makes sense; he’s mentioned before that he likes it when I’m more aggressive in bed, and that he likes it when I’m rougher with him. The thing is, my ONLY experience with BDSM (as a hot, curvy, embarrassingly naïve undergrad) was as a lifestyle sub for my first boyfriend. It left me with a real bad taste in my mouth for kinkdom in general and BDSM in particular; I feel like he used his kink to be cruel and controlling, and that any scenes we did involving toys and props were really about him bolstering up his fragile ego using violence and verbal abuse. I have a real antipathy towards doing that with my husband, even though I can tell that this is really important to him. It’s also been really upsetting me that I really liked the few times we’ve played a little bit rougher (like with me spanking him, orgasm denial, etc) because I would never, ever, ever want him to feel like I did when I was with that first asshole. This is probably one of the major reasons he waited so long to tell me.
The other thing is, we’re long distance for the next four months. He is training for his job, and has a roommate. Sometimes the roommate goes out on the weekend, and then my husband has a little privacy. There is no possibility of my seeing him in person until December, so everything we’re doing now has to be by phone, Skype, or chat, and has to be something easy to hide/put away if his roommate comes in.
Now, here’re my actual questions:
1. What resources would you recommend for someone sticking a toe into the world of D/s, particularly for a woman exploring being a top?
2. What are some activities I can assign my husband to do long distance? I’ve looked at this thread for ideas, but would like more inspiration.
3. What should I know about being married to a crossdresser?