How do I navigate these difficult shores?

August 5, 2015 3:28 PM

I am increasingly unhappy in my current job and in my mind have decided to exit stage left as soon as is possible. I had a recent interview which went well and there is the option to proceed to the next stage. The problem is I was asked if I would be ok with presenting to large numbers. I said yes whilst my inner voice screamed no. It was the verbalisation of my biggest desire - not the reality. I am tied up in knots deciding - what is the best thing to do?

Full disclosure : I have a slight speech impediment that comes out on occasions badly. I stifled it to some extent but feedback included the stilted nature of the initial exchange. I am socially anxious and consider myself an intp. I am worried about possibly talking myself into a role that involves things I struggle hugely with. My therapist suggested the idea that if I was upfront they may be able to genuinely understand and to look past the issue. A lovely idea but past experience in my industry tells me otherwise. My feeling is that I would absolutely not get an offer however understanding they may be on a personal level. (I work in finance in the city of London). Do I take the risk and be upfront and hope I have a very progressive company interested who can look beyond the obvious problem? This job has the potential to be a great opportunity and would get me out of a very difficult situation. Do I try and make it through and hope the sheer immense pressure of been in that environment will help me get over this frustrating and shameful issue I live with?

posted by numberstation to Work & Money (13 answers total)

do you know how big a part of the job it (doing presentations to large groups) is?
posted by andrewcooke at 3:38 PM on August 5, 2015

I hope this doesn't seem too crazy and woo woo to you -- this is the internet after all -- but I'd suggest you take the job, and address the public speaking challenge by considering working with a professional on it and/or . . . er . . . floating. There are float places in London, and one really effective thing to do while floating is self-hypnosis. You are so relaxed that it works extremely well. Hypnosis, including self hypnosis, is a great way to address fear of public speaking. There's even a book with some decent information on doing this, called The Book of Floating. There are also folks in London who will provide hypnosis therapy for fear of public speaking, for example this guy.

Sometimes the best way to address a fear is to confront it from a safe place. Doing that will expand your options greatly.
posted by bearwife at 3:39 PM on August 5, 2015

Move forward with the next interview. When they ask you if you have any questions, ask about this - "you asked me at the last interview about my comfort with presenting to large numbers. Is this something that comes up a lot in this role? What would be some examples of this, and who would I be speaking to?"

Then decide how to move forward from what the answer to that question is. Also, if your therapist is not helping to treat this, they should be, separately from this job offer, because inability to speak in front of groups is something you should be trying to get over. As a hirer, unwillingness to speak in front of groups would be a major negative (but not necessarily a dealbreaker) for me for virtually any role, because I can't think of any role at my company where you would never be expected to at least present occasionally at a company-wide all hands (engineers have presented, finance has presented, the law team has presented, the data science team has presented, etc.) Of course, barring actual diagnosed issues covered by disability law. Not to mention just like... life. Work with your therapist, go to Toastmasters, make efforts to be - if not an expert at this - comfortable with it.
posted by brainmouse at 3:45 PM on August 5, 2015

In the next interview I agree with brainmouse to ask about the extent/nature of the presentations. If you decide it's something you are willing to learn, I would frame it as exactly that. Say that, like you said before, you are willing, but it is not something you do on a regular basis, it is something you are looking forward to improving and a growth opportunity.

I cannot speak to the speech impediment part, but in general talking in front of crowds gets easier with more practice, and people are usually much better at it then they realize. And please don't think of this as a shameful issue! It isn't at all. That may be something to address with your therapist too.
posted by sillysally at 4:17 PM on August 5, 2015

And - this isn't everyone's style, but think about what Marissa Mayer said a while back: "I always did something I was a little not ready to do. I think that's how you grow. When there's that moment of 'Wow, I'm not really sure I can do this,' and you push through those moments, that's when you have a breakthrough." Think about if this frame of mind applies to you.

I was terrified of some of the parts of my current job, but it was a cool job, I wanted to learn and get better at those parts (and I was good at some other parts already). I can do those things in my sleep now and they are not the least bit terrifying (not necessarily public speaking but something similar). My job is almost boring now and I'm looking for something new to learn!
posted by sillysally at 4:27 PM on August 5, 2015

I am an academic, and public speaking to large groups of occasionally hostile teenagers is a major part of my job. In graduate school, I was so afraid of leading presentations in front of small audiences made up of my friends that I would beg my professors for alternative assignments. Now I have no issues speaking to large auditoriums. Public speaking is a skill and something you can learn. I personally don't have the additional hurdle of a speech impediment to contend with, but I have several colleagues who stutter and do just fine. Some people take betablockers to help with the physiological manifestations of anxiety, but the rest can be learned with practice.

Continue with the process; I'm confident you can do this. But remember that if you decide you don't *like* public speaking, you can always quit. Better to do that than to live with regret for passing on the opportunity.
posted by girl flaneur at 5:22 PM on August 5, 2015

There is a huge spectrum between "I refuse to ever do this" and "I am absolutely amazing at this." So far, it seem that all you've done is rule out the far end of the spectrum. Learning where on the spectrum the job actually is could be helpful.
posted by salvia at 5:49 PM on August 5, 2015

Hey! You could be me, although my issue with public speaking (origin: growing up gay in the rural south) is that I (used to be much more) concerned with peoples' perceptions that I'm a big ol' nelly queer because of my voice and manner of speaking.

My outcome in my work of the last ~7 years has been mixed, but not for the reasons you might think. Turns out: I'm a pretty good and liked speaker, even when talking about controversial or unpopular subjects. Adults aren't on average the savages about speaking idiosyncrasies that kids are, and adult professional crowds can be much more diverse in speech--accents, impediments, etc. I did some media training with my current org, but mostly it was just a realization that came with practice and especially exposure to other speakers (both good and bad).

The other turns out, though, is that I loathe travel for work. So it's funny how these fears work out. You can harbor one for ages, then have it evaporate only to find in retrospect that something else entirely is a much bigger concern.

I think the point here is to go for it. New opportunities teach you new skills and uncover different anxieties for you to overcome.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:06 PM on August 5, 2015

What time of presentations would those be? Would you be presenting proposals/ideas/topics that you expect people will disagree with and challenge you? Would you have to sell ideas/strategies or will you have to convince people of anything during these presentations?

Or would you be teaching/explaining something that you are an expert at and are passionate about? How skilled and confident are you in other aspects of the job, and what is the culture like? Will people have a chance to see your work and skill aside from your presentations? Would others accept you as an expert in XYZ and look forward to your presentations because of the topics?

As you see, the two paragraphs above have very different vibes. The first one is scary and would probably make me panic and not take the job, or even worse, take the job and then now show up on the day of the presentation. The second one would be challenging, scary, a bit exciting, and make me want to work on my presentation skills if the job is otherwise an awesome fit.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 7:45 PM on August 5, 2015

I am an introvert in a job that often requires public speaking. So I ACT like an extrovert, just totally act my way through the meeting, speech, whatever. My SO is an introvert in sales. Usually very quiet demeanor but when he picks up the phone, it's like a whole different personality comes out. He's learned to act the part too. This can be draining but if it's an occasional thing, just act it out (and then go home and curl up in a fetal position.) But it does get easier with practice. Maybe Toastmasters or a similar group or class would help. Fake it till you make it as they say. I've also seen speakers who tell the audience right up front that they have a speech impediment so if you are unclear on something, they are welcome to ask questions as needed. I respected them for having the courage to do that.
posted by tamitang at 2:27 AM on August 6, 2015

Thanks for all the positive and helpful responses. In answer to the obvious question about how much of the role would involve this - at this stage I do not know as it was just a first round interview and I could not drill down into the details. It was more that fact that when the issue came up and was posed as a yes / no question - as in 'can you do this?' if I had tried to give anything other than yes I think it would have been a non starter. In the past I have occasionally taken beta blockers but find I feel a bit too disassociated from proceedings if I do. I appreciate the suggestions and will give the second interview a go and see where it leads.
posted by numberstation at 6:38 AM on August 6, 2015

Part of my job is helping people who do not love public speaking to present well.

In my experience, everyone who really wants to learn to present well can learn the skills. A good coach can help you deal with speech impediments, extreme nerves, or other blocks.

Say you can do it, find a good coach, and you'll be able to do it when the time comes.

Even if you don't get the job this time, you have some information about a skill that you will likely need as you grow in your career. So getting a coach might not be a bad idea regardless of the outcome. Best Wishes!
posted by songs_about_rainbows at 9:13 AM on August 6, 2015

There's a big difference, too, between being "able" to do something and being "comfortable" doing it. I'm not comfortable with public speaking, so I prop myself up with a certain set of supports (fully written out speech, practicing, etc.). I know you had a bad experience, but in the future, maybe you can develop a method that works for you. Every job involves new stuff to learn.

But I totally understand the question. If it's a huge part of the job, yeah, maybe you'll decide it's not a good fit. Hopefully it isn't a big part of the job. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 12:56 PM on August 7, 2015