After a depression, how to let young kids know how much they are loved?
August 5, 2015 7:56 AM Subscribe
What are some ways that a parent recovering from serious depression can let their young children know that they are loved and treasured?
I'm a parent to a 3.5 and 5.5 year old, and thanks to an excellent therapist and finally getting the right medication balance, am just now coming out of a five year postpartum / lifelong struggle with depression.
I'd like to hear from other parents who may have faced similar situations, those who have not, and those who were children of parents with mental health issues about ways to show these two little people how dearly and fiercely they are loved.
The eldest is about to begin kindergarten and this transition is likely crystallizing my regrets about lost years. I fear that she has borne the brunt of my anxiety and short fuse behavior for most of her little life. I'll be taking a week off to spend with her 1:1 before the start of the school year and plan to do several activities with her that she has chosen for us. I work full-time, (as does Mr. Brunette), so when I am with them I do my damnedest to be fully present and follow their leads as much as I can.
Any and all suggestions or anecdotal experiences would be tremendous. Thanks, MeFi.
NB: I have no plans to end weekly therapy sessions and frequently address this concern in that venue.
I'm a parent to a 3.5 and 5.5 year old, and thanks to an excellent therapist and finally getting the right medication balance, am just now coming out of a five year postpartum / lifelong struggle with depression.
I'd like to hear from other parents who may have faced similar situations, those who have not, and those who were children of parents with mental health issues about ways to show these two little people how dearly and fiercely they are loved.
The eldest is about to begin kindergarten and this transition is likely crystallizing my regrets about lost years. I fear that she has borne the brunt of my anxiety and short fuse behavior for most of her little life. I'll be taking a week off to spend with her 1:1 before the start of the school year and plan to do several activities with her that she has chosen for us. I work full-time, (as does Mr. Brunette), so when I am with them I do my damnedest to be fully present and follow their leads as much as I can.
Any and all suggestions or anecdotal experiences would be tremendous. Thanks, MeFi.
NB: I have no plans to end weekly therapy sessions and frequently address this concern in that venue.
Be consistent. That's the most important thing. Be present, engage with them where they are and where their interests are, tell they you love them, and do it consistently. The consistency forms their present security and their retrospective narrative as adults examining their roots later on.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:31 AM on August 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 8:31 AM on August 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: i was there, but a little older. and i didn't want showing i was loved. in fact, i was tired of bouncing around between the crying and the subsequent "making it better" by showing how loved i was.
all i wanted was a stability, and calm, and predictability. feeling safe.
so i would suggest stop trying to do things and change things, and just have a normal life, at last. and i hope it works for you.
posted by andrewcooke at 8:33 AM on August 5, 2015 [31 favorites]
all i wanted was a stability, and calm, and predictability. feeling safe.
so i would suggest stop trying to do things and change things, and just have a normal life, at last. and i hope it works for you.
posted by andrewcooke at 8:33 AM on August 5, 2015 [31 favorites]
child of mentally ill parent here: don't seek their reassurance about their relationship with you. don't expect immediate changes in their relationship with you. love can feel more like a need than a comfort in the wrong context.
posted by decathexis at 8:37 AM on August 5, 2015 [25 favorites]
posted by decathexis at 8:37 AM on August 5, 2015 [25 favorites]
Recognize that just because you are feeling more well, that doesn't mean that can (or need to be) a perfect parent. Just do your best to provide the stable, consistent, safe environment others have mentioned to the best of your abilities. And don't beat yourself up if you don't always perfectly meet the new standards you have set for yourself. Parenting is hard, even without major mental illness.
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 8:42 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 8:42 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'll be taking a week off to spend with her 1:1 before the start of the school year and plan to do several activities with her that she has chosen for us.
I think this is really the best thing you can do, even when your mood isn't great, even if you can't be there 100% mentally. Just take time out to take them places, do things with them, be around them. Speaking from my own experiences as a kid and a parent, explanations and apologies and promises don't really carry a lot of weight with kids, but the time you spend with them and the experiences you have together sure do.
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:42 AM on August 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think this is really the best thing you can do, even when your mood isn't great, even if you can't be there 100% mentally. Just take time out to take them places, do things with them, be around them. Speaking from my own experiences as a kid and a parent, explanations and apologies and promises don't really carry a lot of weight with kids, but the time you spend with them and the experiences you have together sure do.
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:42 AM on August 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was in your kids' position when I was their age, and I wish my parents had asked this question. Things that I think might have helped (in my situation, YMMV):
- Don't forget to parent the kids, as well as having happy fun times. My sick parent functioned more like a child when they were sick, and later struggled to regain their balance as a parent rather than an extra kid. Boundaries and discipline are important, even if (especially if) you think the kids' behaviour is a reaction to your previous illness and you maybe feel guilty about that. I wonder whether your therapist could help in coming up with appropriate and productive forms of kid discipline, if that's going to be difficult for you.
- Your partner has maybe also been relating to you more like a child, and will need to make some serious effort to back you up in being a respected adult parent person when relating to your kids. For example, do the kids automatically go to your partner for a second opinion on anything you say? They need to stop doing that and your partner needs to back you up in not letting them do that.
- The kids may have lost some level of trust in you, or respect for you. That sucks and it's horrible, but you can build it up again. It might take a lot of work and a lot of time and a lot of patience. There will be setbacks aplenty and it won't be done in a week. Have patience with them and with yourself, and don't give up.
- Whatever level of guilt you have, don't make it your kids' responsibility to handle your emotions about that. I'm on the fence about even apologising, but for sure don't expect your kids to accept the apology or tell you that it was all fine, or to feel better about anything or suddenly trust you more.
Good luck!
posted by emilyw at 8:45 AM on August 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
- Don't forget to parent the kids, as well as having happy fun times. My sick parent functioned more like a child when they were sick, and later struggled to regain their balance as a parent rather than an extra kid. Boundaries and discipline are important, even if (especially if) you think the kids' behaviour is a reaction to your previous illness and you maybe feel guilty about that. I wonder whether your therapist could help in coming up with appropriate and productive forms of kid discipline, if that's going to be difficult for you.
- Your partner has maybe also been relating to you more like a child, and will need to make some serious effort to back you up in being a respected adult parent person when relating to your kids. For example, do the kids automatically go to your partner for a second opinion on anything you say? They need to stop doing that and your partner needs to back you up in not letting them do that.
- The kids may have lost some level of trust in you, or respect for you. That sucks and it's horrible, but you can build it up again. It might take a lot of work and a lot of time and a lot of patience. There will be setbacks aplenty and it won't be done in a week. Have patience with them and with yourself, and don't give up.
- Whatever level of guilt you have, don't make it your kids' responsibility to handle your emotions about that. I'm on the fence about even apologising, but for sure don't expect your kids to accept the apology or tell you that it was all fine, or to feel better about anything or suddenly trust you more.
Good luck!
posted by emilyw at 8:45 AM on August 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
sorry, one more thing. i would not have looked forwards to a week with you. because i had learnt, through experience, that you are a time bomb that is liable to be upset and so cause confusion and hurt.
even if, during that week, you are 100% ok, i would still have spent the week worried and scared.
time - years - heals things. trying to magic things better in one week of stress about having to be happy because that's what mummy expects from me right now and god we don't want her to be upset again, would not.
sorry if i seem to be taking things out on you. i just worry that you've not really thought through what damage you (in a sense - obviously you didn't choose to and it's not "your fault" in any practical way) have done. and, of course, i am not your children - i am not sure to what degree younger children internalize responsibilities and obligations like that.
posted by andrewcooke at 9:34 AM on August 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
even if, during that week, you are 100% ok, i would still have spent the week worried and scared.
time - years - heals things. trying to magic things better in one week of stress about having to be happy because that's what mummy expects from me right now and god we don't want her to be upset again, would not.
sorry if i seem to be taking things out on you. i just worry that you've not really thought through what damage you (in a sense - obviously you didn't choose to and it's not "your fault" in any practical way) have done. and, of course, i am not your children - i am not sure to what degree younger children internalize responsibilities and obligations like that.
posted by andrewcooke at 9:34 AM on August 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
I'm on the fence about even apologising, but for sure don't expect your kids to accept the apology or tell you that it was all fine, or to feel better about anything or suddenly trust you more.
Yeah, sorry, I should have been more explicit in that suggestion: If it were me, I'd apologize for my own behavior but not ask for forgiveness and not let the children minimize what had happened. "I'm sorry for [concrete things that happened]. You didn't deserve that," followed by a calm, "No, it wasn't ok, but I plan for things to be better going forward," if they respond with any variation on "It's ok." I wouldn't turn it into a huge breast-beating histrionic guiltfest, but clearly and calmly stating, "I was wrong, you didn't deserve that, and I'm sorry" could be helpful.
posted by jaguar at 9:49 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, sorry, I should have been more explicit in that suggestion: If it were me, I'd apologize for my own behavior but not ask for forgiveness and not let the children minimize what had happened. "I'm sorry for [concrete things that happened]. You didn't deserve that," followed by a calm, "No, it wasn't ok, but I plan for things to be better going forward," if they respond with any variation on "It's ok." I wouldn't turn it into a huge breast-beating histrionic guiltfest, but clearly and calmly stating, "I was wrong, you didn't deserve that, and I'm sorry" could be helpful.
posted by jaguar at 9:49 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have not been in this situation, but I do have young children. And I wouldn't try to make things better all at once. If you want them to know they are loved and treasured, I think you need to show them and tell them a little at a time, consistently, every day. It's human nature to have regrets but kids, especially at these young ages, have a lot of capacity for forgiveness. If they see your short fuse lengthening, and they see that you're genuinely showing interest in them and caring for them, over time they (especially the 3-year old) will think of you as "loving, awesome mom" instead of "mom who maybe doesn't like me."
I think it also helps to acknowledge how you're feeling and apologize if you're taking it out on them. This doesn't make sense with severe depression, since that's too much for children to grasp and too much of a burden for them to bear. But as you battle your way out of it, if you slip and yell at them or withdraw, you can go back to them and apologize, explain you were having a tough time and shouldn't have taken it out on them but will try to do better next time.
My answer would be different if they were older but honestly, most little kids don't hold grudges and my guess is that they are so relieved that they're starting to get their mom back that you're already on the road to healing your family.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:56 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it also helps to acknowledge how you're feeling and apologize if you're taking it out on them. This doesn't make sense with severe depression, since that's too much for children to grasp and too much of a burden for them to bear. But as you battle your way out of it, if you slip and yell at them or withdraw, you can go back to them and apologize, explain you were having a tough time and shouldn't have taken it out on them but will try to do better next time.
My answer would be different if they were older but honestly, most little kids don't hold grudges and my guess is that they are so relieved that they're starting to get their mom back that you're already on the road to healing your family.
posted by chickenmagazine at 9:56 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Congrats on coming up for air after that awful time! I'm glad you are not beating yourself up.
I think it will go a long way if you are cognizant that, while you know who your "normal" self is apart from your suffering this awful thing, the way way you behaved while suffering is their "normal."
It will take time for this relationship to bloom, so slow and steady is the name of the game. Consistency. Attention, affection, time together, praise, curiosity about me, and encouragement is what I wanted at that age. At this age I doubt they are holding particular grudges, but they have been acclimated to your depression-self so consistent behavior going forward will help them adjust to the new order and show them how they should expect to be treated.
And work in therapy on making a plan regarding how you can retain this new dynamic as much as possible, even through another bad bout, is probably the biggest gift you can give to them and to yourself.
posted by kapers at 10:15 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it will go a long way if you are cognizant that, while you know who your "normal" self is apart from your suffering this awful thing, the way way you behaved while suffering is their "normal."
It will take time for this relationship to bloom, so slow and steady is the name of the game. Consistency. Attention, affection, time together, praise, curiosity about me, and encouragement is what I wanted at that age. At this age I doubt they are holding particular grudges, but they have been acclimated to your depression-self so consistent behavior going forward will help them adjust to the new order and show them how they should expect to be treated.
And work in therapy on making a plan regarding how you can retain this new dynamic as much as possible, even through another bad bout, is probably the biggest gift you can give to them and to yourself.
posted by kapers at 10:15 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
It is awesome that you are thinking about this, OP! It sounds like you're already on the right track with trying to make more time for her, and if I were you I'd just make sure to work really extensively with the therapist in particular on this: this transition is likely crystallizing my regrets about lost years. I think it's a huge challenge in parenting in general to separate parent expectations (this relationship is going to be super close and emotionally fulfilling for both of us and we'll do Activities X, Y, and Z all the time) from reality, and therapy is a good way to handle that.
decathexis totally nailed it about not seeking reassurance from your kid. Your daughter may be anxious about whether she has disappointed you or erred as a daughter--"why is mom sad? did I make mom sad?"; yes, even 5-year-olds are cognizant of this--and you want to make sure she never feels that way if the activities you're doing together don't go the way you want them to.
posted by capricorn at 10:40 AM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
decathexis totally nailed it about not seeking reassurance from your kid. Your daughter may be anxious about whether she has disappointed you or erred as a daughter--"why is mom sad? did I make mom sad?"; yes, even 5-year-olds are cognizant of this--and you want to make sure she never feels that way if the activities you're doing together don't go the way you want them to.
posted by capricorn at 10:40 AM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Hi there.
I have been reading through the answers here and I can't help but feel that some of them sound very blame-y of a person who has coped through mental illness. This is very upsetting to me and I imagine it would be to many people both working in the field and coping with mental illness.
"Stop trying to do and change things and just try to have a normal life?" Ouch. She has been working her way through hell to have what other people consider a normal life. "i just worry that you've not really thought through what damage you (in a sense - obviously you didn't choose to and it's not "your fault" in any practical way) have done." She hasn't done the damage, the depression has. And given the anxiety and rumination that often accompanies depression, it's likely she has thought about it.
Would you respond this way to someone who just went into remission after fighting cancer?
Any responses here which seem to blame you for not being a good parent may come from individuals who may not fully grasp what mental illness is or at least not in the compassionate way that many other people view it, so please do not feel too hurt by those. I cannot speak to other people's experiences being a child of someone who has mental illness, and their feelings are valid in their own context. I am sorry that you and your family have been coping with this difficult time.
Anyway, I did not have a parent who had mental illness. My mother did have another serious chronic illness. It did take resources and attention away from my brother and me during our childhood, it did affect her mood, and it did affect her ability to parent us, often she was very weak, was away in the hospital for many weeks or hours, and often just wasn't able to be "present" the way a "healthy" parent would be. I realize only now that I (perhaps selfishly, the way children can be) resented her for not being a "normal" mom, but that it wasn't her fault. I don't think she could really have done anything to prevent that resentment; but it came up more when I was an older child, like 9-12, when I was very concerned about being the same as my peers. I hope this is somehow helpful. I don't think she could have prevented my resentment for those moments when I felt deprived, but I know what did make up for it was the time that she spent with us just doing "normal mom" things, like back to school shopping, and watching sitcom reruns on a lazy Sunday, and inviting us to help her cook, etc.
At a young age, I mainly remembered those times. Of course the memories of the times her illness aggravated her temper and she disciplined me too harshly, or the times when I couldn't do things other kids could because she was in the hospital, were there. But they were outweighed by the sweeter times when we bonded. So just spending time with your kids, bonding in the unique ways that only happen in your family, (inventing new ways? how exciting!), I think would be helpful. I think that is the nicest way a parent can show a child love, through spending time doing some new things, and some "old things" aka family traditions.
I'm sure you and any one who advises you in your life has told you this, but I just wanted to say it...It's okay if the depression may come up again in the future. It's a wave that way that ebbs and flows. It's not your fault. I hope it doesn't, but just wanted to say it.
I wish you and your family the best, and lots of love and happy, meaningful times.
posted by bengalibelle at 10:46 AM on August 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
I have been reading through the answers here and I can't help but feel that some of them sound very blame-y of a person who has coped through mental illness. This is very upsetting to me and I imagine it would be to many people both working in the field and coping with mental illness.
"Stop trying to do and change things and just try to have a normal life?" Ouch. She has been working her way through hell to have what other people consider a normal life. "i just worry that you've not really thought through what damage you (in a sense - obviously you didn't choose to and it's not "your fault" in any practical way) have done." She hasn't done the damage, the depression has. And given the anxiety and rumination that often accompanies depression, it's likely she has thought about it.
Would you respond this way to someone who just went into remission after fighting cancer?
Any responses here which seem to blame you for not being a good parent may come from individuals who may not fully grasp what mental illness is or at least not in the compassionate way that many other people view it, so please do not feel too hurt by those. I cannot speak to other people's experiences being a child of someone who has mental illness, and their feelings are valid in their own context. I am sorry that you and your family have been coping with this difficult time.
Anyway, I did not have a parent who had mental illness. My mother did have another serious chronic illness. It did take resources and attention away from my brother and me during our childhood, it did affect her mood, and it did affect her ability to parent us, often she was very weak, was away in the hospital for many weeks or hours, and often just wasn't able to be "present" the way a "healthy" parent would be. I realize only now that I (perhaps selfishly, the way children can be) resented her for not being a "normal" mom, but that it wasn't her fault. I don't think she could really have done anything to prevent that resentment; but it came up more when I was an older child, like 9-12, when I was very concerned about being the same as my peers. I hope this is somehow helpful. I don't think she could have prevented my resentment for those moments when I felt deprived, but I know what did make up for it was the time that she spent with us just doing "normal mom" things, like back to school shopping, and watching sitcom reruns on a lazy Sunday, and inviting us to help her cook, etc.
At a young age, I mainly remembered those times. Of course the memories of the times her illness aggravated her temper and she disciplined me too harshly, or the times when I couldn't do things other kids could because she was in the hospital, were there. But they were outweighed by the sweeter times when we bonded. So just spending time with your kids, bonding in the unique ways that only happen in your family, (inventing new ways? how exciting!), I think would be helpful. I think that is the nicest way a parent can show a child love, through spending time doing some new things, and some "old things" aka family traditions.
I'm sure you and any one who advises you in your life has told you this, but I just wanted to say it...It's okay if the depression may come up again in the future. It's a wave that way that ebbs and flows. It's not your fault. I hope it doesn't, but just wanted to say it.
I wish you and your family the best, and lots of love and happy, meaningful times.
posted by bengalibelle at 10:46 AM on August 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
I agree with the advice to try to maintain consistency and predictability in your life as much as possible. Carve out special rituals in your day and show up for them. Like reading a story and having a special song at the end of the day or eating dinner together every night and really talking to each other. Try to catch yourself when you make a mistake and name it and say what you plan to do better- "I'm sorry I snapped at you. I let my feelings get too big. I'm going to take a deep breath and let's talk about what we're both going to do better."
As someone who is prone to depression and anxiety myself, this little snippet from Toni Morrison is something that really hit me like a bolt of blue. "Does your face light up when your child comes into the room." It's a moment of mindfulness. Rather than focusing on the rush out the door, or the thing you or your child forgot to get done. Just take a minute and let yourself and your child know that they are loved and that you are delighted they are yours.
Here is to continued healing and years of joy ahead for your family.
posted by goggie at 11:52 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
As someone who is prone to depression and anxiety myself, this little snippet from Toni Morrison is something that really hit me like a bolt of blue. "Does your face light up when your child comes into the room." It's a moment of mindfulness. Rather than focusing on the rush out the door, or the thing you or your child forgot to get done. Just take a minute and let yourself and your child know that they are loved and that you are delighted they are yours.
Here is to continued healing and years of joy ahead for your family.
posted by goggie at 11:52 AM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh, I have another angle on this one which is more from a learning perspective than about mental illness itself.
Kids do nothing but learn from everything you do, whether you like it or not. It turns out that negative feedback (like you might get with a short tempered parent) is a very powerful deterrent, but not necessarily to the activity that prompted the feedback - maybe to other things occurring at the same time. Also, ignoring kids' behaviours can make those behaviours die out really quickly (ever seen a kid's tantrum stop instantly when everyone ignores them?). Both the yelling and the ignoring also discourage the performing of new creative behaviours.
If you think you might have been inadvertently training your kids not to (show you their art, tell you their problems, admit to you when they are wrong, whatever), the fix is to consistently provide _specific_ positive feedback on things that they do - even small things. "Kiddo, I'm really proud of you for playing nicely with Other Kiddo and sharing your truck together there", "You're so grown up now, you put on all your clothes by yourself!", "I'm so pleased you could tell me why you were angry", "Thank you for telling me it was you that ate all the biscuits, that was very brave of you.". Constantly. Specific positive reinforcement.
posted by emilyw at 12:00 PM on August 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
Kids do nothing but learn from everything you do, whether you like it or not. It turns out that negative feedback (like you might get with a short tempered parent) is a very powerful deterrent, but not necessarily to the activity that prompted the feedback - maybe to other things occurring at the same time. Also, ignoring kids' behaviours can make those behaviours die out really quickly (ever seen a kid's tantrum stop instantly when everyone ignores them?). Both the yelling and the ignoring also discourage the performing of new creative behaviours.
If you think you might have been inadvertently training your kids not to (show you their art, tell you their problems, admit to you when they are wrong, whatever), the fix is to consistently provide _specific_ positive feedback on things that they do - even small things. "Kiddo, I'm really proud of you for playing nicely with Other Kiddo and sharing your truck together there", "You're so grown up now, you put on all your clothes by yourself!", "I'm so pleased you could tell me why you were angry", "Thank you for telling me it was you that ate all the biscuits, that was very brave of you.". Constantly. Specific positive reinforcement.
posted by emilyw at 12:00 PM on August 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
One of my parents suffered from mental illness when I was growing up, and the other was not always available or reliable, given their multiple external obligations, and probably more impactfully for me, the tremendous stress they experienced in response to the other parent's mental illness and resulting behaviours.
I don't think I ever questioned *whether* I was loved, in general. I experienced warmth and affection from both parents, expressed through touch and words. The main issue for me, I think, was also lack of consistency. The unpredictability of responses - e.g. when a normally warm parent was stressed and strongly reactive to something I did that would have been unproblematic at another time - was confusing and destabilizing. My response to that was to become vigilant, to be watchful of signs of one or another possible response. I felt I could relax around that parent only when I determined that they were calm. (And I did have plenty of times where I did relax and enjoy time with that parent, it's not that we didn't connect. It's more that I wasn't completely sure of when that would happen.)
My expectations of the parent who I knew would just not be available or responsive for weeks or months at a time were settled, and that actually wasn't as upsetting, in that I just gave up trying to connect at those times, and was happy when they were available (which was also pretty clear).
From that, I would agree with others, try to recognize signs that you're stressed or overwhelmed and don't have enough bandwidth to cope early on, so that you can stop yourself from just reacting, and take another approach. Or ask for help if you need it (from your partner if you have one, or from another close adult). Can you identify particular feelings or behavioural indicators that tell you that you're on the way to feeling overwhelmed?
If you have been distracted or unavailable (as far as your kids are concerned), giving your them your full attention when you're spending quality time together will let them know their thoughts and observations and feelings and needs are important.
(FYI, I have good relationships today with both of my parents. My relationship with the mostly stressed parent changed completely once they were no longer stressed (i.e. after they divorced); I got to get to know them in a new way. My relationship with the other parent unfolded in a little more of a complicated way, because they were never successfully treated. Improving that relationship took more effort and learning and understanding on my end. I think the will to do that came from the warmth that I felt from them when they could give it.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:08 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think I ever questioned *whether* I was loved, in general. I experienced warmth and affection from both parents, expressed through touch and words. The main issue for me, I think, was also lack of consistency. The unpredictability of responses - e.g. when a normally warm parent was stressed and strongly reactive to something I did that would have been unproblematic at another time - was confusing and destabilizing. My response to that was to become vigilant, to be watchful of signs of one or another possible response. I felt I could relax around that parent only when I determined that they were calm. (And I did have plenty of times where I did relax and enjoy time with that parent, it's not that we didn't connect. It's more that I wasn't completely sure of when that would happen.)
My expectations of the parent who I knew would just not be available or responsive for weeks or months at a time were settled, and that actually wasn't as upsetting, in that I just gave up trying to connect at those times, and was happy when they were available (which was also pretty clear).
From that, I would agree with others, try to recognize signs that you're stressed or overwhelmed and don't have enough bandwidth to cope early on, so that you can stop yourself from just reacting, and take another approach. Or ask for help if you need it (from your partner if you have one, or from another close adult). Can you identify particular feelings or behavioural indicators that tell you that you're on the way to feeling overwhelmed?
If you have been distracted or unavailable (as far as your kids are concerned), giving your them your full attention when you're spending quality time together will let them know their thoughts and observations and feelings and needs are important.
(FYI, I have good relationships today with both of my parents. My relationship with the mostly stressed parent changed completely once they were no longer stressed (i.e. after they divorced); I got to get to know them in a new way. My relationship with the other parent unfolded in a little more of a complicated way, because they were never successfully treated. Improving that relationship took more effort and learning and understanding on my end. I think the will to do that came from the warmth that I felt from them when they could give it.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:08 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
When my oldest son was five, we spent some time at my parents' house. My mom grew up in Germany during WWII and its aftermath. Like most German women of her generation, she is hellbent on keeping everyone fed lest they starve to death. Six weeks of this left him with some issues. After we left, I explained that grandma grew up in a war zone and was a little crazy when it came to food. The combination of removing him from that environment and explaining real specifically what her malfunction was allowed him to promptly get over it and helped him interact more effectively with her on subsequent visits.
Around the same time, I began taking steroids for several weeks every spring. I was such a bitch, I didn't even like myself. For the first time in his life, he was being yelled at randomly, for no apparent reason. He was a challenging child to raise, so being yelled at was not new. But he previously always knew what he did that caused me to yell (like when he would climb on the oven door to check what I was cooking on the stove and I was afraid of ending up with baked baby -- he was often yelled at out of concern for his safety, not because I was mad). So one day, after yelling at him, I went "Oh, god. It isn't you. It's the drugs I'm on. I am not mad at you. You aren't in trouble. Just ignore it when I am like this. I kind of can't help it."
After that, he was okay. It was no longer fear inducing or crazy making. He had a way to understand my behavior.
In my experience, if you can explain the parameters of crazy behavior to kids so they understand the problem space, that makes a huge difference in their ability to cope with what is going on. As an adult, I have also found it to be really effective to explicitly tell people that I am in pain (or whatever) and not mad at them. Children are prone to thinking it is their fault. If you can explain in terms that make sense to the child that it isn't their fault, that can be really super helpful in mitigating the impact it has on them. It helps to explain what is causing it, like wonky brain chemistry or bad things that happened long ago. Just saying "not your fault" without naming a cause tends to be less convincing.
posted by Michele in California at 12:39 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Around the same time, I began taking steroids for several weeks every spring. I was such a bitch, I didn't even like myself. For the first time in his life, he was being yelled at randomly, for no apparent reason. He was a challenging child to raise, so being yelled at was not new. But he previously always knew what he did that caused me to yell (like when he would climb on the oven door to check what I was cooking on the stove and I was afraid of ending up with baked baby -- he was often yelled at out of concern for his safety, not because I was mad). So one day, after yelling at him, I went "Oh, god. It isn't you. It's the drugs I'm on. I am not mad at you. You aren't in trouble. Just ignore it when I am like this. I kind of can't help it."
After that, he was okay. It was no longer fear inducing or crazy making. He had a way to understand my behavior.
In my experience, if you can explain the parameters of crazy behavior to kids so they understand the problem space, that makes a huge difference in their ability to cope with what is going on. As an adult, I have also found it to be really effective to explicitly tell people that I am in pain (or whatever) and not mad at them. Children are prone to thinking it is their fault. If you can explain in terms that make sense to the child that it isn't their fault, that can be really super helpful in mitigating the impact it has on them. It helps to explain what is causing it, like wonky brain chemistry or bad things that happened long ago. Just saying "not your fault" without naming a cause tends to be less convincing.
posted by Michele in California at 12:39 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think some of the responses here about "not trying to make it better all at once" are probably more relevant to slightly older kids with longer memories and a more complex worldview.
I have a 1.5 and a 4.5 year old and they very much live in the moment. I think what the "don't try to show them you love them, just live a normal life" people are trying to say is, don't be like, "ZOMG DIFFERENT THEME PARK EVERY DAY COTTON CANDY FOR LUNCH I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH". And then a week later you disappear. Plan a few special activities, but also just plan in some stuff like trips to the park, breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (or your family's treat-vice of choice), reading stories, building legos together.
Bedtimes have finally shaken out at our house so that the baby goes to bed at 7, the big kid goes to bed at 8, and so we have a half hour in there for an activity with just him and one or both parents, depending on who's home. This has been really good for him. Sometimes we draw a picture (I make a squiggle on a paper, you make a squiggle on a paper, we trade papers, and incorporate the squiggle into a picture!), sometimes we do a few pages in a workbook, sometimes we play a game. But it's time just focused on him. I suggest you try to create some kind of similar structure in your day - so there are some times your kids know they can count on you. For the baby, it's bedtime routine and being cuddled for 15 minutes before bed. For the big kid, it's Activity + stories + tucking-in rituals. Set the bar pretty low so you can hit it consistently.
Whether you try to explain your past behavior depends on your kids. I don't think it would be all that useful for mine yet. What is useful, is if you cry or if you get angry and snap at them or whatever, to briefly talk it through: I got frustrated and used a mean voice, and that made you sad. You should have picked up your toy when I asked you to, and I should have used a kind voice. Let's both say we're sorry and then give each other a hug, ok? I'm sorry for using a mean voice. Your turn. Good job. Now let's have a hug.
It really doesn't take that long, and preschoolers can totally empathize with having big feelings get the better of you: I got frustrated because you weren't listening, and I yelled, just like you got frustrated and yelled yesterday when you couldn't find the Lego you needed.
Another thing you could do that would be good for you and good teaching for your kids is to openly model strategies for handling a short fuse. If you're getting mad, try to say out loud "I am starting to get mad." Show them how you are taking some deep breaths. Tell them you are going to take a break for five minutes to calm down. Walk them through these strategies when they get mad. I've often felt that age 1.5-age 4 (but really, it hasn't stopped) is one long course in teaching anger management to kids. So, you can all practice together :)
But really, honestly, if you're mindful about some of the stuff in this thread, and you're mindful about how you approach your kids, you'll all be just fine. We had a terrible year or so where the baby was new, the preschooler was a wreck, my husband was AWOL with work, and I had no mental reserves. But we've worked our way back to more solid footing and nobody's all that much worse for the wear.
posted by telepanda at 1:31 PM on August 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have a 1.5 and a 4.5 year old and they very much live in the moment. I think what the "don't try to show them you love them, just live a normal life" people are trying to say is, don't be like, "ZOMG DIFFERENT THEME PARK EVERY DAY COTTON CANDY FOR LUNCH I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH". And then a week later you disappear. Plan a few special activities, but also just plan in some stuff like trips to the park, breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts (or your family's treat-vice of choice), reading stories, building legos together.
Bedtimes have finally shaken out at our house so that the baby goes to bed at 7, the big kid goes to bed at 8, and so we have a half hour in there for an activity with just him and one or both parents, depending on who's home. This has been really good for him. Sometimes we draw a picture (I make a squiggle on a paper, you make a squiggle on a paper, we trade papers, and incorporate the squiggle into a picture!), sometimes we do a few pages in a workbook, sometimes we play a game. But it's time just focused on him. I suggest you try to create some kind of similar structure in your day - so there are some times your kids know they can count on you. For the baby, it's bedtime routine and being cuddled for 15 minutes before bed. For the big kid, it's Activity + stories + tucking-in rituals. Set the bar pretty low so you can hit it consistently.
Whether you try to explain your past behavior depends on your kids. I don't think it would be all that useful for mine yet. What is useful, is if you cry or if you get angry and snap at them or whatever, to briefly talk it through: I got frustrated and used a mean voice, and that made you sad. You should have picked up your toy when I asked you to, and I should have used a kind voice. Let's both say we're sorry and then give each other a hug, ok? I'm sorry for using a mean voice. Your turn. Good job. Now let's have a hug.
It really doesn't take that long, and preschoolers can totally empathize with having big feelings get the better of you: I got frustrated because you weren't listening, and I yelled, just like you got frustrated and yelled yesterday when you couldn't find the Lego you needed.
Another thing you could do that would be good for you and good teaching for your kids is to openly model strategies for handling a short fuse. If you're getting mad, try to say out loud "I am starting to get mad." Show them how you are taking some deep breaths. Tell them you are going to take a break for five minutes to calm down. Walk them through these strategies when they get mad. I've often felt that age 1.5-age 4 (but really, it hasn't stopped) is one long course in teaching anger management to kids. So, you can all practice together :)
But really, honestly, if you're mindful about some of the stuff in this thread, and you're mindful about how you approach your kids, you'll all be just fine. We had a terrible year or so where the baby was new, the preschooler was a wreck, my husband was AWOL with work, and I had no mental reserves. But we've worked our way back to more solid footing and nobody's all that much worse for the wear.
posted by telepanda at 1:31 PM on August 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Don't try and be perfect. Just be ok. That's all they need, and all they want.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:59 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Sebmojo at 4:59 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Little kids feel safe with routine. If you don't already, make sure you are a consistent part of bedtime routine. I recommend reading to them, (preferably books you pick out, although with kids that age they may want to choose the same awful Color Fairies book or whatever and you have to just go with it.) The thing about reading to them is that it can be done regardless of your emotional state and it doesn't matter, they get the same benefit; unlike, say, back-and-forth conversing, which if you are distracted or sad doesn't really go well.
I think dependable routine is ultimately way more important than any big gesture you can make to a little kid.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:59 PM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I think dependable routine is ultimately way more important than any big gesture you can make to a little kid.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:59 PM on August 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hi. My mother had bipolar, and I wish she'd asked this question. Good on you for asking! ^_^
Don't punish them emotionally if they are slow to trust you again.
Let them know it is OK for them to express their anger, sadness, disappointment with you about the rough time, that their feelings are okay and that you can cope with their feelings.
Don't make them feel that they have to choose between honestly expressing their emotions versus being loved by you.
And make it VERY clear that the bad time was not their fault - that it wasn't because of anything that they did or failed to do.
Maybe ask if anyone told them they had to "be good while Mum was sick" or "don't do that, you'll make Mummy sick", "It's your fault Mum was hospitalized" and if so, say, no, that's definitely not true.
Tell them that it's not their job to walk on eggshells around you/look after you: that their job is to play and have fun and learn in school, that the Dr/therapist is looking after you and will make you better.
Maybe read through a children's book about Depression with them - one that's age appropriate, with simple language.
posted by Year of meteors at 6:33 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Don't punish them emotionally if they are slow to trust you again.
Let them know it is OK for them to express their anger, sadness, disappointment with you about the rough time, that their feelings are okay and that you can cope with their feelings.
Don't make them feel that they have to choose between honestly expressing their emotions versus being loved by you.
And make it VERY clear that the bad time was not their fault - that it wasn't because of anything that they did or failed to do.
Maybe ask if anyone told them they had to "be good while Mum was sick" or "don't do that, you'll make Mummy sick", "It's your fault Mum was hospitalized" and if so, say, no, that's definitely not true.
Tell them that it's not their job to walk on eggshells around you/look after you: that their job is to play and have fun and learn in school, that the Dr/therapist is looking after you and will make you better.
Maybe read through a children's book about Depression with them - one that's age appropriate, with simple language.
posted by Year of meteors at 6:33 PM on August 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Please remember how damned young they are. I don't remember my mother's mental illness prior to 5 except that she had a job and then suddenly she didn't. You can show them that they are loved by being present for them now . Don't apologize with words. Don't cry in front of them about how much you love them if there are no other adults present who think the situation warrants crying; it's weird and they might feel like they need to comfort you. In fact, haha, one of my first memories of my mother is comforting her while she was crying.
I didn't want to be fiercely loved or treasured, I wanted to play in my room and watch Salute Your Shorts and run around outside and listen to the same song over and over and over again. A mom who made me a snack during any of those activities would have made me feel fiercely loved and treasured; instead I had a mom who would cry about not being able to make me a snack and then yell at me for leaving my plate out after I made my own snack. A mom who could take me to the Museum of Science and Industry or go to a movie with me and totally plan the week before school would be awesome. Especially if she wasn't going "this is grate I am the best mom look at how normal all of this is I am a normal grate mom."
What you have planned right now sounds amazing. Follow their lead, and ask yourself if you're doing x for them or yourself. Let the kids be kids and you'll do great.
posted by good lorneing at 6:39 PM on August 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
I didn't want to be fiercely loved or treasured, I wanted to play in my room and watch Salute Your Shorts and run around outside and listen to the same song over and over and over again. A mom who made me a snack during any of those activities would have made me feel fiercely loved and treasured; instead I had a mom who would cry about not being able to make me a snack and then yell at me for leaving my plate out after I made my own snack. A mom who could take me to the Museum of Science and Industry or go to a movie with me and totally plan the week before school would be awesome. Especially if she wasn't going "this is grate I am the best mom look at how normal all of this is I am a normal grate mom."
What you have planned right now sounds amazing. Follow their lead, and ask yourself if you're doing x for them or yourself. Let the kids be kids and you'll do great.
posted by good lorneing at 6:39 PM on August 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by jaguar at 8:27 AM on August 5, 2015 [5 favorites]