ovary much want to give my eggs

July 23, 2015 12:37 PM

A friend recently asked me to be her egg donor. I'm looking for reliable resources that explain complication risks, and also any anecdotes with regards to this process.

She isn't a super close friend, but I've hung out with her a handful of times and really enjoy her company. She's been through three rounds of IVF that didn't work out, which sounded heartbreaking and frustrating. I am the same ethnicity as she is, and am in the target age range. I also think she's a wonderful person and would love to help her out.

Between horror stories and success stories (and the millions of ads for donors), I'm having trouble finding legitimate resources that talk about the actual percentages for the risks (OHSS, infection/bleeding from needle insertion... what else am I missing?). If anyone can point me to better resources, I'd appreciate it.

Also, have you or anyone you know gone through this procedure? What was it like? Did the hormone injections affect you? Any tips for the stomach-self-injections? How was the actual egg retrieval procedure and recovery? How long were you out for (exercise-wise)?

Lastly, and possibly most importantly, I'm nervous at the prospect of having a product of my genetic material running around in this world. I'd imagine dealing with that would range from wanting to know nothing about the child to mild curiosity to wanting attachment/feeling of loss. I think I'd lie near the mild curiosity side, but still - I'm nervous. I'd love to hear any stories of people who donated eggs/sperm to people they know and how they mentally fared with that.

Thanks for your help!

posted by blueberrypuffin to Health & Fitness (21 answers total)

Best answer: I donated several times in my 20s. however, never to a person I knew, so it was easy to maintain a mental/emotional boundary that those children are not mine and have nothing to do with me.

I guess that is one point of your situation that might concern me. you need to be really clear on how you feel about the boundaries that may (or may not) exist between you and a potential child. you should discuss this frankly with your friend but you should probably also seek legal counsel.

as far as the procedure itself, I did it 4 times and had no serious or lasting difficulties. of course YMMV!!!! but if you do sign on the fertility doctor will go over all risks and likely side effects etc., with you in great detail. (if they dont you might want to look for a different doctor!)

the injection stuff is challenging at first, but gets easier with practice. you will have some side effects from the hormones, not unlike serious PMS. also I experienced a sense of heaviness in my abdomen late in the cycles, along with mild bloating and weigh gain (5 lb) you may be moody, or tired, or grumpy.

you are not supposed to have any PIV sex during the cycle (which is about 6 weeks total)

after the extraction I felt physically recovered pretty much right away, but the hormonal up and down took longer to get back in balance.

feel free to memail me, its a fascinating subject, and a very big decision. good luck!
posted by supermedusa at 12:59 PM on July 23, 2015 [3 favorites]

I'd suggest you go to the forums at altdotlife, there's a good fertility community there that could help with some of your specific questions. I'd also suggest looking at the Donor Sibling Registry, which is aimed at families with kids from gamete donation but is a good resource for egg/sperm donation issues generally.
posted by medusa at 12:59 PM on July 23, 2015

You don't mention how old you are -- that is a very big factor in the advice people can give you.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:46 PM on July 23, 2015

Response by poster: Thanks for the answers so far!

I'm 26.
posted by blueberrypuffin at 2:03 PM on July 23, 2015

I talked to a family member about this yesterday, she was highly critical because of pain, lingering pain and swelling. Pain description was 10+.
posted by Oyéah at 2:08 PM on July 23, 2015

There is a list of blogs written from the different sides of the donor equation here, in case some anecdotal, personal internet stories help supplement your reading. I can't speak to how current or vetted the individual links are, but this blog is generally well-known for collecting these kinds of resources (more info at the bottom here).
posted by juliplease at 3:33 PM on July 23, 2015

Best answer: Me!

I donated my eggs to my sister. I have a description written somewhere from when I was actually experiencing it, I'll try and find it for you! But basically, there are wee little needles, and then a bunch of days where you have to go get a dildo-cam sonogram every other day, and then you feel like you're walking around with a sack of grapes in your groin, and then a minor surgery. I had ZERO complications.

It was annoying for a week or two, but it brought about something so amazing that it was completely worth it. If you're able to think of your genetic material as something akin to a blood donation, or even an organ donation, you may be a good candidate.

Any reputable IVF clinic will have you go through a number of therapy sessions with AND without your friend. Be honest and open in these sessions! Even better - find a therapist near you who specializes in fertility. They'll likely be able to help you think through the pros and cons.

You may also find better luck in determining risks and whatnot by searching for IVF information, since the egg retrieval process is similar (but not always the same!) for egg donors and people going through IVF.

PM me anytime!!
posted by waterisfinite at 3:41 PM on July 23, 2015

Also, this was published as I was donating and it was helpful then.
posted by waterisfinite at 3:44 PM on July 23, 2015

Best answer: I froze my eggs last year and found the process to be entirely innocuous. It was easy to learn how to do the injections with minimal pain (hey, diabetics do it every day), I had no noticeable side effects from the hormones, was knocked out for the procedure, and had no pain after the fact. YMMV.

One question you might want to consider is your own childbearing plans. Your eggs seem like an infinite resource when you're 26, but I am 40 and have several friends who are trying to have children and are down to a couple of follicles per ovary. I don't know how many eggs they harvest for egg donation but if they harvest a bunch to insure a successful fertilization and implantation this may be an issue.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 3:44 PM on July 23, 2015

Best answer: I did injectable hormones for fertility treatments for myself and found the injections not too difficult to do myself (disclaimer: I am a doctor, needles don't bother me). I did get really grouchy for a few weeks, my husband took the brunt of it and he cut me some slack (I.e. crying and shouting at him over minor annoyances a few times). I didn't feel physically bad but I was on a low dosing protocol because I have PCOS and higher risk for OHSS.

I am speculating, not having been a donor, but I think you would want to try to consider future scenarios and possibly do a sort of interview with your friend about this. It all seemed pretty abstract to me to think of donating before, like "ah, it would just be such a nice thing to be able to help another person with something so special!" but as a mom now, I think if I were going to be friends with the mom I was donating to, I'd hesitate to do it unless it was a person who I felt would have a parenting style I was comfortable with, just on the major points like religion, politics, and general helicopter vs. freerange parenting style - for me, hardcore conservatism, bigotry of any form, religious zealotry, or possibly extreme helicoptering or strict disciplinarian parenting would be dealbreakers, for example. Do they ever plan to move abroad, or what if they decided to move to a place where you'd no longer see the child? Think about what if it works and you see her eating sushi or drinking wine while pregnant (a little unlikely as in my experience parents with infertility issues are usually hypercautious - but still good to think about how this could affect you/the friendship, I think). What might bother you? How might you react?

Thank you for being kind and generous enough to consider doing a good deed like this.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 3:47 PM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

to answer foxy hedgehog's concern, even if they harvested 20 or 30 eggs from you that would not be a significant number to lose - you have tens of thousands at this point, will still have hundreds left by the time you hit menopause, and lose many eggs every year regardless of if you donate or not.

The number of follicles you can get per cycle is a different thing from your ovarian reserve (the term for quantity of eggs remaining in the ovaries).

it is a good idea to consider your own plans though. After having the experience I had, if I were 26 and unmarried with no plans for kids anytime soon, and I was doing egg harvesting, I'd take the opportunity to freeze some for myself!
posted by treehorn+bunny at 3:56 PM on July 23, 2015 [2 favorites]

She isn't a super close friend, but I've hung out with her a handful of times and really enjoy her company.

Just came here to say that this rang some alarms for me. Are you doing this for friendship, or out of humanity for another. If the former, it doesn't sound like a deep friendship - it may deepen, or it may not and it may go south. Know how you would react if it does go south.
posted by GeeEmm at 3:57 PM on July 23, 2015 [6 favorites]

Hi, I donated to a friend (who wasn't that close, but boy we are now) and I have so much to say on this issue, but am on a crappy keyboard, feel free to me mail me for more info.

Short version: I probably wouldn't do it again. We went through three cycles (me) and a total of something like 30 cycles, including the frozen ones (her). She got pregnant once and miscarried. Every single time was heartbreaking for her, of course, but also for me, because this thing I was doing was making her so fucking unhappy, instead of bringing the joy I had hoped for. And I got really obsessive about googling and fertility forums and basically it sucked all the energy out of my life for like three years. With no baby at the end.

Then she switched donors and tried another ten or so times, and finally got lucky, and now she has a baby and she is bringing him to visit this weekend. Which is awesome, but also bittersweet.

I got sick with ohss once and nearly had to be hospitalised, and it was unpleasant but I survived, and I did another cycle after that. I didn't like the final week of each cycle because you are super bloated and your ovaries are painful every time you move. I couldn't ride a bike. And you can't have sex for like a month each time. (And when I had ohss I was out of commission in the bedroom for about two months afterwards because orgasms gave me crushing pain.)

Hah, I guess this was the long version. But I can talk about any of the details more if you are interested.
posted by lollusc at 4:01 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Another couple of thoughts:
- oh my god the hormones make your brain weird. But not entirely in bad ways. It was interesting.

-You learn a lot about your own body. And your genetics, and fertility and so on, because they run a lot of tests.

-You will almost certainly do a lot of therapy, both alone, and with your friend. It is a good way to get to know them better, especially afterwards when you get coffee and bond over how stupid the therapist is.

-You need a good independent lawyer to look over the contract. Not because anyone will be trying to cheat you, but because there may be loopholes that no one has considered that could have an impact on you in the future.

-Here in Australia, recipients of egg donations are not allowed to pay for it, and I wouldn't have wanted them to anyway. But they can buy you top-notch private health insurance for the term of the donation, and I think that is worthwhile. It means that you will have a much better experience if you end up having complications.

-The mutual friend who ended up being the donor for the successful baby says that seeing him every day has been harder than she thought, and it was only made possible by the fact that she had her own son less than a year previously and the children are very much alike, so she feels like they got one each. Also she takes a semi-parenting role, babysitting very often, staying over in the house for sometimes weeks on end. The two families are thinking about moving in together. I imagine this is not how I would have felt about things, but imagine how awkward it could be if one person wanted to be that close and the other didn't. Even if you make agreements in advance, you don't know how you will feel when the baby is born.
posted by lollusc at 4:11 PM on July 23, 2015

There are serious (though rare) physical risks, but I think the social/emotional risks are actually more worrisome.

It is easy enough not to have any emotional response to one's genetic material in the abstract, but things have a way of changing real quick in ways you may not anticipate when your genetic material is staring you in the face. Parents often talk about experiencing love at first sight of their child. Who knows exactly what that means or where this love comes from; maybe it is the result of gestation, maybe it comes from social pressure, but maybe its basis is, at least in part, the genetic connection. The point is that you could end up with strong feelings of attachment to this child. And with that could come all kinds of problems.

Also, many children are very curious about their biological parents and some eventually seek a close personal relationship. How will you feel if this child wants emotional (and perhaps monetary) support from you in 21 years?

To me, this is a very risky endeavor, and I think it was unfair of your friend to put you in this position.
posted by girl flaneur at 4:15 PM on July 23, 2015 [1 favorite]

I might be overthinking this here; but does your friendship/acquaintanceship predate her fertility issues? Specifically what I'm asking is whether you are, to her, a friend who she thinks might work as an egg donor, or someone she's sought out as a potential egg donor and the friendship is part of that. And if she's sought you out specifically for this, would this change the way you feel about being asked to donate.

I'm not saying that she's some sort of weirdo sociopath or anything, but since you say you've hung out with her "a handful of times" I am wondering. It doesn't mean that you two couldn't have a decent egg donor/donee relationship.
posted by Hypatia at 8:03 PM on July 23, 2015

Response by poster: I appreciate all the thoughtful answers and thanks for sharing your stories. Lots to think about!

I'll definitely be memailing some of you if I follow through with this.
posted by blueberrypuffin at 9:49 PM on July 23, 2015

You need to meditate on the potential emotional consequences of having your biological child in your life but not having any paternal rights to said child. What happens if you develop a strong emotional attachment to the child, but your relationship with your friend wanes or ends, then what? What if your friend becomes jealous of your attachment to the child? It sounds tricky, because you stated you aren't very close with this person. It seems like a potentially emotionally devastating experience to me, even if your heart is in the right place. As a single late-twenty-something female who doesn't want children, I would say no to a request like this, even if I wanted to help. There are just too many what-if's in the emotional department.
posted by Avosunspin at 6:39 AM on July 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Do you have a family history of cancer, esp. breast/ovary/etc? Fertility treatments can cause or exacerbate the trajectory of cancer.
posted by decathexis at 8:44 AM on July 24, 2015

I started along this path with a friend who planned to donate eggs to me. A key concern our clinic had is that she had not had children herself. The ideal candidate (in their experience) had completed her family before donating eggs. This may be a thing for you to consider.
posted by honey-barbara at 9:44 AM on July 24, 2015

Your recipient can tell you exactly what it is like - it's the same process she went through to provide the eggs for her IVF attempts.
posted by w0mbat at 1:49 PM on July 24, 2015