Money money money
July 21, 2015 12:21 AM Subscribe
I have a friend that I met while living in West Africa who seems to think that I'm now a lifeline, which is unsustainable and I'm unsure of what to do.
I moved to a country in the developing world about a year and a half ago. (If it's relevant, I'm originally from the same region but a different country, but I didn't grow up there.)
I met a guy while living there. Although he's considerably younger than I am, we became good friends. Although it's pretty common for young men (and women for that matter) in this part of the word to befriend/date expats to try to get money or get a ticket out of there through marriage, that's not what went on here— we genuinely are friends (I met his family, he visited me in my city a few times, no sex was ever had).
A few months ago, I got a job and moved back to the developed world, and he seems to think that I can support him financially. This didn't happen while we were living in the same country (I wasn't making much money, his dad was working and he was working at one point.) My friend stopped working, found a job and got injured (on the job) and had to stop again. At some point during this, his dad lost his job. I've sent him/his family money three times in the three months that I've been abroad. While I can appreciate that that part of the world is not conducive to people making decent livelihoods— governments are corrupt as fuck, minimum wage is not great, youth unemployment is rampant— I'm also not making a ton of money myself (I'm doing okay, but enough to support a man and his two wives and 8 kids, come on) , and this family's survival strategy can't be "Enchanting Grasshopper sends us money."
My friend is trying to move to Europe so he can get a job to send money back to his family because he believes myths about the streets paved with gold. His father, who has also never been abroad, is supporting this dream. I've warned him about the risks, but I don't think my warnings through Facebook can really combat the pressure from his father and the internal pressure he's put on himself. Now he's asked me to send him money to get to Europe. I've told him before I can't keep sending him money. I don't know what to say or do now. I want to help people when they need it, but this is unsustainable, and I don't really want to fund him dying in a shipwreck on his way to Italy anyway.
I am unwilling to end this friendship over money, but I don't know how else to tell him I can't keep sending him money. I don't know if I should continue trying to discourage him from going to Europe, or send him money for a ticket and say "Good luck and don't say I didn't warn you if it doesn't work out the way that you thought it would".
What should I say or do? I am at a complete loss.
I moved to a country in the developing world about a year and a half ago. (If it's relevant, I'm originally from the same region but a different country, but I didn't grow up there.)
I met a guy while living there. Although he's considerably younger than I am, we became good friends. Although it's pretty common for young men (and women for that matter) in this part of the word to befriend/date expats to try to get money or get a ticket out of there through marriage, that's not what went on here— we genuinely are friends (I met his family, he visited me in my city a few times, no sex was ever had).
A few months ago, I got a job and moved back to the developed world, and he seems to think that I can support him financially. This didn't happen while we were living in the same country (I wasn't making much money, his dad was working and he was working at one point.) My friend stopped working, found a job and got injured (on the job) and had to stop again. At some point during this, his dad lost his job. I've sent him/his family money three times in the three months that I've been abroad. While I can appreciate that that part of the world is not conducive to people making decent livelihoods— governments are corrupt as fuck, minimum wage is not great, youth unemployment is rampant— I'm also not making a ton of money myself (I'm doing okay, but enough to support a man and his two wives and 8 kids, come on) , and this family's survival strategy can't be "Enchanting Grasshopper sends us money."
My friend is trying to move to Europe so he can get a job to send money back to his family because he believes myths about the streets paved with gold. His father, who has also never been abroad, is supporting this dream. I've warned him about the risks, but I don't think my warnings through Facebook can really combat the pressure from his father and the internal pressure he's put on himself. Now he's asked me to send him money to get to Europe. I've told him before I can't keep sending him money. I don't know what to say or do now. I want to help people when they need it, but this is unsustainable, and I don't really want to fund him dying in a shipwreck on his way to Italy anyway.
I am unwilling to end this friendship over money, but I don't know how else to tell him I can't keep sending him money. I don't know if I should continue trying to discourage him from going to Europe, or send him money for a ticket and say "Good luck and don't say I didn't warn you if it doesn't work out the way that you thought it would".
What should I say or do? I am at a complete loss.
"I can't keep sending you money. I can't afford it. Sorry." And then don't send any more money.
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:47 AM on July 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:47 AM on July 21, 2015 [15 favorites]
(One last time, just for the trip, I mean.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:52 AM on July 21, 2015
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:52 AM on July 21, 2015
Best answer: I am unwilling to end this friendship over money, but I don't know how else to tell him I can't keep sending him money.
You stop sending money; then he decides whether to end the friendship.
Or you stop sending money and then he keeps asking for it forever and then you decide whether to end the friendship over the asking.
posted by grouse at 1:19 AM on July 21, 2015 [38 favorites]
You stop sending money; then he decides whether to end the friendship.
Or you stop sending money and then he keeps asking for it forever and then you decide whether to end the friendship over the asking.
posted by grouse at 1:19 AM on July 21, 2015 [38 favorites]
Best answer: I am unwilling to end this friendship over money
If you decide not to send any more money and that's unacceptable to him, it'll be him, not you, who ends the friendship over money.
posted by essexjan at 1:29 AM on July 21, 2015 [21 favorites]
If you decide not to send any more money and that's unacceptable to him, it'll be him, not you, who ends the friendship over money.
posted by essexjan at 1:29 AM on July 21, 2015 [21 favorites]
Best answer: I've met a lot of Africans. Most of them wanted to move to Europe. Some asked me for money or a visa. Some said that they would happily sit on the steel luggage rack on the back of my motorbike for four months if it would get them there. They probably meant it.
I don't think you should enable your friend's dream. If this is what he'll end up doing, that's his thing, but don't make it your thing. Because if you give him money and he makes it to Europe, guess what? You are now his mentor, and expected to take care of him in every way because after all, you are the one who got him there. So the very least you can do is give him a bed and make sure he gets a job, right?
(I'm assuming you are in Europe. That may not be the case. In any case he will definitely not stop relying on you and your money.)
In the end, you'd not be really helping him, because his chances of making a succesful life in Europe are most likely tiny, and his family would have a much harder time making do without him. If he manages to make any money, he'd need to spend it on housing and other costs (which most Africans do not realise are much, much higher in Europe).
Tell him you can't afford to send him any more money. Tell him your own family needs it. If he still wants to be your friend while not getting any money from you, the friendship can be saved. If he does not, it was lost already because it devolved into something else.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:45 AM on July 21, 2015 [24 favorites]
I don't think you should enable your friend's dream. If this is what he'll end up doing, that's his thing, but don't make it your thing. Because if you give him money and he makes it to Europe, guess what? You are now his mentor, and expected to take care of him in every way because after all, you are the one who got him there. So the very least you can do is give him a bed and make sure he gets a job, right?
(I'm assuming you are in Europe. That may not be the case. In any case he will definitely not stop relying on you and your money.)
In the end, you'd not be really helping him, because his chances of making a succesful life in Europe are most likely tiny, and his family would have a much harder time making do without him. If he manages to make any money, he'd need to spend it on housing and other costs (which most Africans do not realise are much, much higher in Europe).
Tell him you can't afford to send him any more money. Tell him your own family needs it. If he still wants to be your friend while not getting any money from you, the friendship can be saved. If he does not, it was lost already because it devolved into something else.
posted by Too-Ticky at 1:45 AM on July 21, 2015 [24 favorites]
I am unwilling to end this friendship over money, but I don't know how else to tell him I can't keep sending him money.
What friendship? Do you think a friend should try and squeeze you like this? Friends don't try to take advantage of their friends and if they do they ain't no friend. I don't see what there is to be saved.
posted by three blind mice at 3:04 AM on July 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
What friendship? Do you think a friend should try and squeeze you like this? Friends don't try to take advantage of their friends and if they do they ain't no friend. I don't see what there is to be saved.
posted by three blind mice at 3:04 AM on July 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer:
What friendship? Do you think a friend should try and squeeze you like this? Friends don't try to take advantage of their friends and if they do they ain't no friend. I don't see what there is to be saved.
Not necessarily. Cultural norms about reciprocity and obligation, kinship and friendship, vary in different places. American values about complete autonomy seem natural to people here but are one cultural construction among many about helping norms . He wants to help family, he wants OP to help him, he has taken OP into his family to some extent, he sees OP in a place with more resources, he might even have helped OP in non-financial ways in Africa. Not that OP is actually obliged (or even able) to fund him on and on, but he's not a scammer, he's OP's friend who sees OP as part of the social network he's in, which entails his helping others in the network as well.
posted by flourpot at 3:45 AM on July 21, 2015 [39 favorites]
What friendship? Do you think a friend should try and squeeze you like this? Friends don't try to take advantage of their friends and if they do they ain't no friend. I don't see what there is to be saved.
Not necessarily. Cultural norms about reciprocity and obligation, kinship and friendship, vary in different places. American values about complete autonomy seem natural to people here but are one cultural construction among many about helping norms . He wants to help family, he wants OP to help him, he has taken OP into his family to some extent, he sees OP in a place with more resources, he might even have helped OP in non-financial ways in Africa. Not that OP is actually obliged (or even able) to fund him on and on, but he's not a scammer, he's OP's friend who sees OP as part of the social network he's in, which entails his helping others in the network as well.
posted by flourpot at 3:45 AM on July 21, 2015 [39 favorites]
"I'm really sorry but I can't send you anymore money. I have to financially support my own family right now."
And I would encourage him to look for work in his own country, because I do not think that it would be easy for him to financially support himself in Europe, let alone make enough to be able to send money back to his family. Also, he could totally die on his way there and Europe would do very little to help him.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:29 AM on July 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
And I would encourage him to look for work in his own country, because I do not think that it would be easy for him to financially support himself in Europe, let alone make enough to be able to send money back to his family. Also, he could totally die on his way there and Europe would do very little to help him.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 4:29 AM on July 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
If he decides he doesn't want to be your friend anymore after you cut him off, then that's his decision and proves he wasn't really much of a friend at all.
Sure, I understand where he's coming from --- I've got in-laws in the Philipines who insist that because we here in the US make more money and own a house we must be rich: therefore they feel it is a requirement that we send them monthly checks. Nevermind that our cost of living is also higher, and we may 'own' that house but we still have a mortgage to pay: they have long insisted we support people over there that none of us here have even met --- the final straw was when one of the cousins demanded $10K, cash, "and I need it this month".
We had to cut off almost all of them, because they were draining us so badly that our own financial stability was threatened; the only ones we still send any money to are two elderly grandparents, and when they're gone we won't be sending anybody anything. Yes, it caused a lot of screaming that we were rotten people who didn't care about the extended family, but you've got to save yourself and not let other people drag you down.
Cut your friend off, gently but totally.
posted by easily confused at 5:48 AM on July 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
Sure, I understand where he's coming from --- I've got in-laws in the Philipines who insist that because we here in the US make more money and own a house we must be rich: therefore they feel it is a requirement that we send them monthly checks. Nevermind that our cost of living is also higher, and we may 'own' that house but we still have a mortgage to pay: they have long insisted we support people over there that none of us here have even met --- the final straw was when one of the cousins demanded $10K, cash, "and I need it this month".
We had to cut off almost all of them, because they were draining us so badly that our own financial stability was threatened; the only ones we still send any money to are two elderly grandparents, and when they're gone we won't be sending anybody anything. Yes, it caused a lot of screaming that we were rotten people who didn't care about the extended family, but you've got to save yourself and not let other people drag you down.
Cut your friend off, gently but totally.
posted by easily confused at 5:48 AM on July 21, 2015 [13 favorites]
My friend stopped working, found a job and got injured (on the job) and had to stop again.
So, he is not currently hail and hardy enough to work in familiar surroundings but thinks all his problems will be magically solved by money if he can somehow get to a richer country? This sounds incredibly delusional. Is he even well enough to travel, much less adapt to new surroundings -- a new culture, new laws, etc? Does he have any marketable skills that would help in the new place?
If he can read English, maybe you should send him some books/articles that document the horrifying work conditions of immigrants that show up with a dream but no skills, no connections, no real plan. People wind up being de facto slaves. They don't know the rules or laws, language or culture and they have no social connections. They wind up cheated out of already low wages, sometimes their visas and the like are taken away and locked up so they have no recourse when treated like slaves. You giving him money for a ticket to Europe does not begin to solve the many problems that must be solved in order to make such a transition successfully.
And you tell him "Sorry, no, I cannot afford this." You did what you could. Pat yourself on the back for that and do not let it be treated like a precedent that makes you obligated. He needs to solve his own problems.
posted by Michele in California at 10:09 AM on July 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
So, he is not currently hail and hardy enough to work in familiar surroundings but thinks all his problems will be magically solved by money if he can somehow get to a richer country? This sounds incredibly delusional. Is he even well enough to travel, much less adapt to new surroundings -- a new culture, new laws, etc? Does he have any marketable skills that would help in the new place?
If he can read English, maybe you should send him some books/articles that document the horrifying work conditions of immigrants that show up with a dream but no skills, no connections, no real plan. People wind up being de facto slaves. They don't know the rules or laws, language or culture and they have no social connections. They wind up cheated out of already low wages, sometimes their visas and the like are taken away and locked up so they have no recourse when treated like slaves. You giving him money for a ticket to Europe does not begin to solve the many problems that must be solved in order to make such a transition successfully.
And you tell him "Sorry, no, I cannot afford this." You did what you could. Pat yourself on the back for that and do not let it be treated like a precedent that makes you obligated. He needs to solve his own problems.
posted by Michele in California at 10:09 AM on July 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Another thing that could happen - that does happen - is that he goes, and finds and connects with a community of other migrants and immigrants who are in a similar situation; lives with them, in conditions that are far from ideal from the point of view of people born in developed countries, but nevertheless endurable, given he is a young man with a singular focus and limited options; undergoes a period of shock, dislocation, disillusionment, and finally adjustment, with their support; takes a job that no one else wants and pays not much, but enough to secure his survival, for now, and eventually, over a few years, that of his family.
(I'm sorry that I missed that he does in fact want to get on one of those boats... is there any other way?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:33 AM on July 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
(I'm sorry that I missed that he does in fact want to get on one of those boats... is there any other way?)
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:33 AM on July 21, 2015 [4 favorites]
"I'm sorry but I can't afford to help you. Rents here cost xxx€, daily expenses for food are around xx€, and between taxes and services I must pay xxx€ monthly".
Maybe your friend should know the stark reality of what living in Europe entails before he tries to migrate there.
posted by clearlydemon at 11:55 AM on July 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe your friend should know the stark reality of what living in Europe entails before he tries to migrate there.
posted by clearlydemon at 11:55 AM on July 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Have you considered maybe showing your friend this thread?
posted by goblinbox at 3:58 PM on July 21, 2015
posted by goblinbox at 3:58 PM on July 21, 2015
Playing devils advocate here. If the average annual wage in Sub-Saharan Africa is 800 U.S. Dollars - and you agree that trying to emigrate to Europe is incredibly risky with low chance of succeeding - perhaps you COULD send him money on a monthly basis. Make a commitment to send 30 dollars a month to him and his family on a certain date each month, and never increase the amount and at the very least you'll be stopping a family from starving. It's direct charity / friendship. In most religions there is tithe, the idea that 10% of any income should be given to charity. Perhaps this is your opportunity in life to stand up and be counted and make an active difference to this friends life and that of his family. I'm not suggesting supporting him totally for the rest of his life. I am suggesting giving them a way of finding their feet and keeping them out of starvation for the next year or so.
posted by stevedawg at 1:27 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by stevedawg at 1:27 AM on July 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
It will still be better than what he's got back home.
This isn't likely to be true.
posted by glasseyes at 10:47 AM on July 22, 2015
This isn't likely to be true.
posted by glasseyes at 10:47 AM on July 22, 2015
Honestly mefites, do you think people who are starving are about to spend THOUSANDS on people traffikers? It's seen as an investment, it's a pipe dream, it's fueled by the highly unequal rate of exchange which means, for instance that the naira, which originally had parity with sterling is now at something like N300= £1. So you go from UK to West Africa with £200 and suddenly you're a thousandair - but only where your living costs are as low as the exchange rate.
EG knows his friend's circumstances and he hasn't indicated anywhere that they are in a desperate refugee situation; if they were they would be in no position to make such a trip. If they were a displaced person that would be something else and EG would have mentioned it. Even then the only help an individual should give is through official channels and refugee organisations. Anything else would be tremendously dangerous and risky for the recipient of such 'help'.
EG, you don't have an obligation here. Your friend would be much better off looking to make the most of himself at home, as you know. If there's any way you can help him out with something gladly, then do so. For the rest tell him he's not being reasonable in his demands, be explicit about it, and approach it like a telling-off. He is in the wrong and he is taking advantage of what I can assure you is generally seen as the inexplicable softness of tourists. Yeah tell him off very bluntly and say you're not ready to be responsible for his death, why should he ask you such a devilish thing? Even if you could afford it, which you can't.
You know, these sorts of networks of obligation are entirely reciprocal, what have you had him do for you lately? Ask him. no not really, but you need to be more hard-nosed about this, and also, send some shame his way.
posted by glasseyes at 11:14 AM on July 22, 2015
EG knows his friend's circumstances and he hasn't indicated anywhere that they are in a desperate refugee situation; if they were they would be in no position to make such a trip. If they were a displaced person that would be something else and EG would have mentioned it. Even then the only help an individual should give is through official channels and refugee organisations. Anything else would be tremendously dangerous and risky for the recipient of such 'help'.
EG, you don't have an obligation here. Your friend would be much better off looking to make the most of himself at home, as you know. If there's any way you can help him out with something gladly, then do so. For the rest tell him he's not being reasonable in his demands, be explicit about it, and approach it like a telling-off. He is in the wrong and he is taking advantage of what I can assure you is generally seen as the inexplicable softness of tourists. Yeah tell him off very bluntly and say you're not ready to be responsible for his death, why should he ask you such a devilish thing? Even if you could afford it, which you can't.
You know, these sorts of networks of obligation are entirely reciprocal, what have you had him do for you lately? Ask him. no not really, but you need to be more hard-nosed about this, and also, send some shame his way.
posted by glasseyes at 11:14 AM on July 22, 2015
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You can't dissuade him. He may try to go to Italy anyway. He'll see how it is. It will be awful, traumatic. It will still be better than what he's got back home, and it will help that family.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:40 AM on July 21, 2015 [1 favorite]