Toxic ex broke up with me and wants to get back together
June 23, 2015 9:13 AM Subscribe
I'm conflicted with this sensitive, hard situation. My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me roughly 4 months ago due to him recently becoming aware of his issues (anger, depression, possible bipolar disorder, childhood issues, binge eating). He seems to be increasingly struggling with his issues day by day He mentioned that he still loves/cares for me, and wants to become a better person for me, build a life together but can't do these things until he gets better. We've talked on and off after the break up. He saw me out with a new guy and is now worried about potentially losing me and wants to get back together.
My ex and I were together for 2.5 years and roughly 3 months before the breakup, we had a lot of sensitive issues brought to light due to both our insecurities, past baggage, his financial issues( see my previous post for more of this), me wanting to progress further into our relationship, etc. This is my second serious relationship and I'm still very much deep in love with him. I'm 26 and it's worth noting that he was the one to break up with me.
After the breakup, we didn't talk for a month. Then I saw him out, and we were talking for a month after this (hooking up, going on dates, and still acting like we were together.) This in itself stressed me out because I wanted a relationship and wanted things to go back to normal but he told me he couldn't do that because he still has all these issues that he is fighting and it's not fair to me because he takes it out on me, depends on me for emotional support and his happiness. He mentioned that he should be able to feel happy all the time and not just depend on me for his happiness. I respected this decision(once again) but decided to end all contact with him. I told him that he needs to go with his original plan of working on himself and his own issues and need to no longer involve me in it and that we need to no longer talk while he is going through this. Hanging out with him and him telling me all this sweet stuff did nothing but confuse me, kept him on my mind 24/7, played with my emotions and made me feel like he wants the girlfriend perks, without the girlfriend. I realized that this friends with benefit situation wasn't benefiting anyone but himself. He would tell me often that he loves me so much, that this is very hard for him, that doesn't want to break up but feel like he has to because of his emotional turmoil that's happening inside. He's mentioned to me one time that he wished he was dead and feels that something is wrong with him but he doesn't know what it is. He would also mention that he wants to still have babies with me, marry me and move in and that he isn't interested in dating anyone but is focused on getting himself better so we can get back together. As you could imagine, because I'm hearing all of these things, how confused I was. After this, I decided to focus one me, doing more of living my own life without him and took my social life up a notch (going on dates with new people, got back into kickboxing, eating better, cooking more, more times with friends and family, and traveling. During the month, we weren't talking, I would say that I was at my happiest. Of course, I would think about the breakup and would get sad but I was happy in all other areas of my life and felt like I was back to my normal self before him. I felt like a bunch of weight was lifted because I stood up for myself and felt like I was finally back in control of my life. During this quiet time, he deleted, re added me and blocked me on all social media while finding my dating profiles within hours of me creating them, called me at random hours of the night, would be at bars I frequented, and just seemed to be everywhere.
It wasn't until after the breakup that he gets more insecure, jealous, angry questioning me about who I'm talking to, got mad/sad that I was on dating websites(even though he was on there as well) and just in general, acting like an ass.
Moving on to this month, I see my ex out last week at a bar and I'm with this guy that I've been talking to for roughly 2 months. I like the new guy a lot and we've been having fun but I'm still in a fragile state. I don't even know if I want to deal with a new person right now. This guy seems to likes me a bunch and is the complete opposite of my ex, which is great and he gives me butterflies but I don't want to hurt anyone based on what I've been going through. Back to that night, my ex sees us out and watches the whole thing goes down, brushes my shoulders lightly, kept passing me to get my attention and was talking to this girl for what seems like it was to get me jealous and my attention but I ignored it. The new guy and I were making out, and were super flirty with each other most of the night(holding hands, he would has his hand around my waist, hugs, and blushing). After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this," The icing on the cake was that he had sex with another girl the next night and of course, decided to let me know about it even though I didn't ask him. He later mentioned that he felt bad for doing it and that he did it because I hurt him and ignored his texts. This was probably the most hurtful thing he has done to me as I haven't slept with anybody new, just fooled around with one person, but I ignored the statement and most of the texts he sent me this day because I just didn't want the drama. I could tell the texts were getting angrier and angrier every time he sent one.
After this all calmed down, we had a heart to heart conversation talking about our past issues, how we hurt each other, he apologized for a lot of stuff in the past that he has never apologized for so this was great. We meet up for coffee a couple of days later and tells me that he wants to be with me and wants me in his life, wants to still settle down with me, live together, have children, get married and make this work, couldn't bare losing me, knows that he fucked up and pushed me away but that he is sorry and wants to work on it.He is going to therapy for his issues but hasn't been in about 3 weeks but plan on going back this week. I told him that I don't want to jump into anything too quickly and that we need to take it one day at a time. I'll continue to date the new guy and anyone else that I choose while I figure out what I want to do but I need to decide soon because honestly, I don't even know if I want to be with anybody, including him. This whole situation has made me annoyed with relationships and men and I hate getting caught up in drama.
Clearly, I'm stuck in the middle of what to do. Part of me is like I can find someone better who won't have all these issues, wont be manipulative or guilt trip me for living my life, won't make me believe that I was the one that broke up with him, and someone who wants to be with me 100%. I've been trying my best to move forward as this is all that I can control but when he reaches out to me and tells me a sob story or tugs on my emotional strings, I cannot help but to respond to him , get sympathetic, or worry about him. Another part of me, wants this to work out because I do love him, see nothing but the good in him, feel very comfortable with him. We worked through many tragic life events together and he is funny, sweet, and caring. I'm just a little hurt, confused, sad by how he has been acting throughout this entire breakup but don't know what to make of this. It seems like he is on his best behavior now that I told him I don't know If I want to get back together. He wants to take me out, take me on trips, work on it all and be us again.
I would love to get some outsider opinions on this entire situation, what to do and the best advice/suggestions! Thanks for reading!
My ex and I were together for 2.5 years and roughly 3 months before the breakup, we had a lot of sensitive issues brought to light due to both our insecurities, past baggage, his financial issues( see my previous post for more of this), me wanting to progress further into our relationship, etc. This is my second serious relationship and I'm still very much deep in love with him. I'm 26 and it's worth noting that he was the one to break up with me.
After the breakup, we didn't talk for a month. Then I saw him out, and we were talking for a month after this (hooking up, going on dates, and still acting like we were together.) This in itself stressed me out because I wanted a relationship and wanted things to go back to normal but he told me he couldn't do that because he still has all these issues that he is fighting and it's not fair to me because he takes it out on me, depends on me for emotional support and his happiness. He mentioned that he should be able to feel happy all the time and not just depend on me for his happiness. I respected this decision(once again) but decided to end all contact with him. I told him that he needs to go with his original plan of working on himself and his own issues and need to no longer involve me in it and that we need to no longer talk while he is going through this. Hanging out with him and him telling me all this sweet stuff did nothing but confuse me, kept him on my mind 24/7, played with my emotions and made me feel like he wants the girlfriend perks, without the girlfriend. I realized that this friends with benefit situation wasn't benefiting anyone but himself. He would tell me often that he loves me so much, that this is very hard for him, that doesn't want to break up but feel like he has to because of his emotional turmoil that's happening inside. He's mentioned to me one time that he wished he was dead and feels that something is wrong with him but he doesn't know what it is. He would also mention that he wants to still have babies with me, marry me and move in and that he isn't interested in dating anyone but is focused on getting himself better so we can get back together. As you could imagine, because I'm hearing all of these things, how confused I was. After this, I decided to focus one me, doing more of living my own life without him and took my social life up a notch (going on dates with new people, got back into kickboxing, eating better, cooking more, more times with friends and family, and traveling. During the month, we weren't talking, I would say that I was at my happiest. Of course, I would think about the breakup and would get sad but I was happy in all other areas of my life and felt like I was back to my normal self before him. I felt like a bunch of weight was lifted because I stood up for myself and felt like I was finally back in control of my life. During this quiet time, he deleted, re added me and blocked me on all social media while finding my dating profiles within hours of me creating them, called me at random hours of the night, would be at bars I frequented, and just seemed to be everywhere.
It wasn't until after the breakup that he gets more insecure, jealous, angry questioning me about who I'm talking to, got mad/sad that I was on dating websites(even though he was on there as well) and just in general, acting like an ass.
Moving on to this month, I see my ex out last week at a bar and I'm with this guy that I've been talking to for roughly 2 months. I like the new guy a lot and we've been having fun but I'm still in a fragile state. I don't even know if I want to deal with a new person right now. This guy seems to likes me a bunch and is the complete opposite of my ex, which is great and he gives me butterflies but I don't want to hurt anyone based on what I've been going through. Back to that night, my ex sees us out and watches the whole thing goes down, brushes my shoulders lightly, kept passing me to get my attention and was talking to this girl for what seems like it was to get me jealous and my attention but I ignored it. The new guy and I were making out, and were super flirty with each other most of the night(holding hands, he would has his hand around my waist, hugs, and blushing). After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this," The icing on the cake was that he had sex with another girl the next night and of course, decided to let me know about it even though I didn't ask him. He later mentioned that he felt bad for doing it and that he did it because I hurt him and ignored his texts. This was probably the most hurtful thing he has done to me as I haven't slept with anybody new, just fooled around with one person, but I ignored the statement and most of the texts he sent me this day because I just didn't want the drama. I could tell the texts were getting angrier and angrier every time he sent one.
After this all calmed down, we had a heart to heart conversation talking about our past issues, how we hurt each other, he apologized for a lot of stuff in the past that he has never apologized for so this was great. We meet up for coffee a couple of days later and tells me that he wants to be with me and wants me in his life, wants to still settle down with me, live together, have children, get married and make this work, couldn't bare losing me, knows that he fucked up and pushed me away but that he is sorry and wants to work on it.He is going to therapy for his issues but hasn't been in about 3 weeks but plan on going back this week. I told him that I don't want to jump into anything too quickly and that we need to take it one day at a time. I'll continue to date the new guy and anyone else that I choose while I figure out what I want to do but I need to decide soon because honestly, I don't even know if I want to be with anybody, including him. This whole situation has made me annoyed with relationships and men and I hate getting caught up in drama.
Clearly, I'm stuck in the middle of what to do. Part of me is like I can find someone better who won't have all these issues, wont be manipulative or guilt trip me for living my life, won't make me believe that I was the one that broke up with him, and someone who wants to be with me 100%. I've been trying my best to move forward as this is all that I can control but when he reaches out to me and tells me a sob story or tugs on my emotional strings, I cannot help but to respond to him , get sympathetic, or worry about him. Another part of me, wants this to work out because I do love him, see nothing but the good in him, feel very comfortable with him. We worked through many tragic life events together and he is funny, sweet, and caring. I'm just a little hurt, confused, sad by how he has been acting throughout this entire breakup but don't know what to make of this. It seems like he is on his best behavior now that I told him I don't know If I want to get back together. He wants to take me out, take me on trips, work on it all and be us again.
I would love to get some outsider opinions on this entire situation, what to do and the best advice/suggestions! Thanks for reading!
Best answer: Oh my god, yeah, walk away. Just walk.
Not least because of this:
During the month, we weren't talking, I would say that I was at my happiest.
posted by functionequalsform at 9:21 AM on June 23, 2015 [55 favorites]
Not least because of this:
During the month, we weren't talking, I would say that I was at my happiest.
posted by functionequalsform at 9:21 AM on June 23, 2015 [55 favorites]
Fuck no. Becoming aware of his issues doesn't mean that he's come to terms with them, or done things to fix them, or anything of the sort.
Look at that thing at the bar. Clearly he isn't in a place to be a grown-up and be a quality partner. He's looking out 100% for himself, not you.
You're both in a really rough spot right now. Take a break. If something happens for one or both of you, whatever, but be good to yourself and take care of your own needs first. Of COURSE you care about him and whether he's doing okay, because you can't just turn that filter off. But he needs to get his own shit together.
I've been there. You're a good person for caring, but you need to take care of yourself first. It's okay to feel grief and conflict and all that. Just be careful.
posted by St. Hubbins at 9:22 AM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Look at that thing at the bar. Clearly he isn't in a place to be a grown-up and be a quality partner. He's looking out 100% for himself, not you.
You're both in a really rough spot right now. Take a break. If something happens for one or both of you, whatever, but be good to yourself and take care of your own needs first. Of COURSE you care about him and whether he's doing okay, because you can't just turn that filter off. But he needs to get his own shit together.
I've been there. You're a good person for caring, but you need to take care of yourself first. It's okay to feel grief and conflict and all that. Just be careful.
posted by St. Hubbins at 9:22 AM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: During the month, we weren't talking, I would say that I was at my happiest.
Clearly, I'm stuck in the middle of what to do. Part of me is like I can find someone better who won't have all these issues, wont be manipulative or guilt trip me for living my life, won't make me believe that I was the one that broke up with him, and someone who wants to be with me 100%.
You already know the answer to your question. If you need to hear it from the internet: this guy is not good for you. He is dragging you down, not building you up. He is, as you characterize him in the very first word of this question, toxic. You should dump this guy for good.
It seems like he is on his best behavior now that I told him I don't know If I want to get back together.
It seems like he is on selfish manipulative behavior all the time.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:25 AM on June 23, 2015 [18 favorites]
Clearly, I'm stuck in the middle of what to do. Part of me is like I can find someone better who won't have all these issues, wont be manipulative or guilt trip me for living my life, won't make me believe that I was the one that broke up with him, and someone who wants to be with me 100%.
You already know the answer to your question. If you need to hear it from the internet: this guy is not good for you. He is dragging you down, not building you up. He is, as you characterize him in the very first word of this question, toxic. You should dump this guy for good.
It seems like he is on his best behavior now that I told him I don't know If I want to get back together.
It seems like he is on selfish manipulative behavior all the time.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:25 AM on June 23, 2015 [18 favorites]
Part of me is like I can find someone better who won't have all these issues, wont be manipulative or guilt trip me for living my life, won't make me believe that I was the one that broke up with him, and someone who wants to be with me 100%.
Listen to this part. Your ex-boyfriend is a disaster.
posted by something something at 9:27 AM on June 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
Listen to this part. Your ex-boyfriend is a disaster.
posted by something something at 9:27 AM on June 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
If I've learned one thing from several relationships and observing others, it's that they simply don't work unless you respect each other. It's like, the most basic foundation and nothing will work without it, no matter how much you want it to.
This guy doesn't respect you, or treat you respectfully. He might well love you in a way, he's clearly passionate about you, he clearly wants to be with you some of the time. But he doesn't respect you, so this will never work in the long term, and I think you know that in your heart.
posted by greenish at 9:28 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
This guy doesn't respect you, or treat you respectfully. He might well love you in a way, he's clearly passionate about you, he clearly wants to be with you some of the time. But he doesn't respect you, so this will never work in the long term, and I think you know that in your heart.
posted by greenish at 9:28 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
and wants to become a better person for me
This right here is a red flag for me. Fuck no. Become a better person for YOURSELF. Don't make me the cause of anything! That just ties me to both your ups AND YOUR DOWNS. Nope nope nope.
posted by jillithd at 9:29 AM on June 23, 2015 [19 favorites]
This right here is a red flag for me. Fuck no. Become a better person for YOURSELF. Don't make me the cause of anything! That just ties me to both your ups AND YOUR DOWNS. Nope nope nope.
posted by jillithd at 9:29 AM on June 23, 2015 [19 favorites]
Best answer: NOPE. NOPE NOPE.
He has enough red flags to make a giant flag bunting to hang around your backyard for your "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" party.
posted by ananci at 9:29 AM on June 23, 2015 [35 favorites]
He has enough red flags to make a giant flag bunting to hang around your backyard for your "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" party.
posted by ananci at 9:29 AM on June 23, 2015 [35 favorites]
I suspect everyone's going to tell him to stay away from this guy, and I concur. (On preview: yep!)
That said, if there is some distant hope for a future for the relationship and if you continue to feel interested in pursuing it again after a few more months of taking care of yourself and your needs (and kudos for doing a good job of that), I would say that the only way that it's worth even considering is if there's clear evidence that he's doing something productive about his "issues".
Breaking up with someone because you depend on them for emotional support is a little weird (isn't emotional support one of the main purposes of a relationship?) but if he really is intensively addressing his problems, good for him and it could conceivably lead to a better future for your relationship.
Bottom line is that even if you continue to be interested in a relationship with him, you definitely shouldn't consider it for a while, not until you can be clear that you really want that (rather than just wanting to hop back into your previous comfortable rut), and not until he gets his shit together. That means seriously addressing all the things he felt he had to address (not deciding they don't matter anymore), knocking it right off with the jealousy, sob stories, manipulation, etc.
I don't think the odds are great but at the same time, I've seen people change and if he genuinely does, and if you're still interested (and not happier single, or happier with someone new), it may be worth a try. But stay way the hell away from him for a few months in the meantime.
posted by mister pointy at 9:31 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
That said, if there is some distant hope for a future for the relationship and if you continue to feel interested in pursuing it again after a few more months of taking care of yourself and your needs (and kudos for doing a good job of that), I would say that the only way that it's worth even considering is if there's clear evidence that he's doing something productive about his "issues".
Breaking up with someone because you depend on them for emotional support is a little weird (isn't emotional support one of the main purposes of a relationship?) but if he really is intensively addressing his problems, good for him and it could conceivably lead to a better future for your relationship.
Bottom line is that even if you continue to be interested in a relationship with him, you definitely shouldn't consider it for a while, not until you can be clear that you really want that (rather than just wanting to hop back into your previous comfortable rut), and not until he gets his shit together. That means seriously addressing all the things he felt he had to address (not deciding they don't matter anymore), knocking it right off with the jealousy, sob stories, manipulation, etc.
I don't think the odds are great but at the same time, I've seen people change and if he genuinely does, and if you're still interested (and not happier single, or happier with someone new), it may be worth a try. But stay way the hell away from him for a few months in the meantime.
posted by mister pointy at 9:31 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Amen. Adopt the healthy puppy.
This is a recipe for disaster, and leave that poor new guy out of it, too. Until you are well and truly over Toxic Ex, all you will do is react to Toxic Ex, whether that's in real reality, in your mind, or when you espy him in the actions of New Guy or any other new guy.
Wipe the slate clean and only then start dating. The best advice I ever had. It's like cleaning your closets before you start a new job. It is only good. And don't worry about missing out on something good with New Guy. He or someone like him will be ready for you when you're ready for him.
posted by janey47 at 9:44 AM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is a recipe for disaster, and leave that poor new guy out of it, too. Until you are well and truly over Toxic Ex, all you will do is react to Toxic Ex, whether that's in real reality, in your mind, or when you espy him in the actions of New Guy or any other new guy.
Wipe the slate clean and only then start dating. The best advice I ever had. It's like cleaning your closets before you start a new job. It is only good. And don't worry about missing out on something good with New Guy. He or someone like him will be ready for you when you're ready for him.
posted by janey47 at 9:44 AM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
What is this BS about him being afraid of losing you? Dude already lost you.
Don't ignore the warning signs here.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:44 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
Don't ignore the warning signs here.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:44 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
The only scenario in which I could see you getting back together with him is after he's gone through the therapy to take care of himself. Four months is nowhere near enough time for someone wrestling with the things he's wrestling with; four years, maybe, but not four months.
Even if you think that he's a good person at heart, consider this - after he goes through therapy and overcomes his demons, he'll be that good person, but he will also be a changed person. And there is no way of knowing right now whether that changed person is even going to be compatible with you any more. If you run into each other 4 years from now and he has become that changed person, and that person is still into you and you are just as into him, maybe. But - not right now.
and I doubt that will happen - hell, you call him "toxic" in the title to this AskMe. I'd get some Taylor Swift playing and be done with him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:47 AM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Even if you think that he's a good person at heart, consider this - after he goes through therapy and overcomes his demons, he'll be that good person, but he will also be a changed person. And there is no way of knowing right now whether that changed person is even going to be compatible with you any more. If you run into each other 4 years from now and he has become that changed person, and that person is still into you and you are just as into him, maybe. But - not right now.
and I doubt that will happen - hell, you call him "toxic" in the title to this AskMe. I'd get some Taylor Swift playing and be done with him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:47 AM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah, I'm gonna pile on.
"...wants to become a better person for me...."
He has to want to become a better person for himself. This is classic Nice Guy Syndrome and emotional fusion. You can't help with either.
posted by trinity8-director at 9:48 AM on June 23, 2015 [11 favorites]
"...wants to become a better person for me...."
He has to want to become a better person for himself. This is classic Nice Guy Syndrome and emotional fusion. You can't help with either.
posted by trinity8-director at 9:48 AM on June 23, 2015 [11 favorites]
He is toxic and you should not get back together with him. Moreover, I'd like to point out that his behavior towards you post-breakup is harassment and may be moving towards stalking.
During this quiet time, he deleted, re added me and blocked me on all social media while finding my dating profiles within hours of me creating them, called me at random hours of the night, would be at bars I frequented, and just seemed to be everywhere.
Back to that night, my ex sees us out and watches the whole thing goes down, brushes my shoulders lightly, kept passing me to get my attention and was talking to this girl for what seems like it was to get me jealous and my attention [...] After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this," [...] I could tell the texts were getting angrier and angrier every time he sent one.
You should not just break up with him -- you should block him on all forms of social media. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. If you run into him while you're out somewhere, don't let it escalate, just go somewhere else. If he threatens suicide (and note that he's apparently come close to that before -- the comment about wishing he was dead), report it to the appropriate authorities and do not get involved.
Seriously, this goes beyond "toxic" -- break it off with extreme prejudice.
posted by pie ninja at 9:57 AM on June 23, 2015 [37 favorites]
During this quiet time, he deleted, re added me and blocked me on all social media while finding my dating profiles within hours of me creating them, called me at random hours of the night, would be at bars I frequented, and just seemed to be everywhere.
Back to that night, my ex sees us out and watches the whole thing goes down, brushes my shoulders lightly, kept passing me to get my attention and was talking to this girl for what seems like it was to get me jealous and my attention [...] After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this," [...] I could tell the texts were getting angrier and angrier every time he sent one.
You should not just break up with him -- you should block him on all forms of social media. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. If you run into him while you're out somewhere, don't let it escalate, just go somewhere else. If he threatens suicide (and note that he's apparently come close to that before -- the comment about wishing he was dead), report it to the appropriate authorities and do not get involved.
Seriously, this goes beyond "toxic" -- break it off with extreme prejudice.
posted by pie ninja at 9:57 AM on June 23, 2015 [37 favorites]
After this all calmed down, we had a heart to heart conversation talking about our past issues, how we hurt each other, he apologized for a lot of stuff in the past that he has never apologized for so this was great
That's nice. Did he apologize for the stuff he did in the present? Like this:
After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this,"
He's acting like an ass now. Not in the past. Now. A few days ago. Apologies are cheap (hard, sometimes, but cheap). Promises are cheap. Actually changing behavior is hard and he doesn't seem to have done that.
I'd probably advise you to stay single or take it really slow and casual with new guy. A little time out of a relationship can help give you perspective on what is really important to you in one.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:58 AM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
That's nice. Did he apologize for the stuff he did in the present? Like this:
After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this,"
He's acting like an ass now. Not in the past. Now. A few days ago. Apologies are cheap (hard, sometimes, but cheap). Promises are cheap. Actually changing behavior is hard and he doesn't seem to have done that.
I'd probably advise you to stay single or take it really slow and casual with new guy. A little time out of a relationship can help give you perspective on what is really important to you in one.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:58 AM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
Best answer: This is my second serious relationship and I'm still very much deep in love with him.
Love is a very good and important thing. But it's not nearly as important as a lot of television shows, movies, and magazines make it seem. Love cannot make a relationship. Love does not concur all. You can love someone without a relationship with them working out. You can love someone without it meaning that you should be with them. You can love someone even if they should not be your romantic partner. A good relationship requires love, but love alone is not sufficient for a good and happy and healthy relationship.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds very hard. But please keep in mind that, when everyone here is telling you not to get back together with this guy, they are not telling you that you shouldn't love him. Go on, love him. Let that love shine as a great compassionate hope that he will someday get better. Let that love represent your great capacity for kindness. But don't take that love as the basis for a relationship. Don't let that love be the center of your romantic decisions. Love him and let that love be what guides you to letting him go: given who he is, where he is, and who you are, your love for him should lead you to avoiding further romantic entanglement with him.
You can and hopefully do love a wide variety of people. He's one of them. You don't have to deny that fact to stay broken up with him. You don't have to deny your love for him to accept that your relationship with him was broken. You don't have to deny your love for him to admit that, given his illnesses and struggles, your relationship with him didn't succeed and wouldn't in the future. You don't have to deny your love for him to recognize that, when someone is happiest after having broken up with her boyfriend, that means she shouldn't get back together with that boyfriend.
posted by meese at 10:01 AM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
Love is a very good and important thing. But it's not nearly as important as a lot of television shows, movies, and magazines make it seem. Love cannot make a relationship. Love does not concur all. You can love someone without a relationship with them working out. You can love someone without it meaning that you should be with them. You can love someone even if they should not be your romantic partner. A good relationship requires love, but love alone is not sufficient for a good and happy and healthy relationship.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds very hard. But please keep in mind that, when everyone here is telling you not to get back together with this guy, they are not telling you that you shouldn't love him. Go on, love him. Let that love shine as a great compassionate hope that he will someday get better. Let that love represent your great capacity for kindness. But don't take that love as the basis for a relationship. Don't let that love be the center of your romantic decisions. Love him and let that love be what guides you to letting him go: given who he is, where he is, and who you are, your love for him should lead you to avoiding further romantic entanglement with him.
You can and hopefully do love a wide variety of people. He's one of them. You don't have to deny that fact to stay broken up with him. You don't have to deny your love for him to accept that your relationship with him was broken. You don't have to deny your love for him to admit that, given his illnesses and struggles, your relationship with him didn't succeed and wouldn't in the future. You don't have to deny your love for him to recognize that, when someone is happiest after having broken up with her boyfriend, that means she shouldn't get back together with that boyfriend.
posted by meese at 10:01 AM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
You say you hate the drama, but this and previous posts convince me that you crave the drama. You cling to it, can't bring yourself to let it go. Take everyone's advice. Dump the train wreck and the new guy. Get in therapy and learn what adult relationships are like.
posted by txmon at 10:12 AM on June 23, 2015
posted by txmon at 10:12 AM on June 23, 2015
He broke up with you, then stalked you and harassed you for moving on with your life.
If a friend told you this about their ex, what advice would you give them?
posted by zennie at 10:14 AM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
If a friend told you this about their ex, what advice would you give them?
posted by zennie at 10:14 AM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
I'm with zennie and pie ninja. This is straight up stalking:
"After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this"... " Hell no!!!
RUN! Block him everywheres. Change your passwords and locks. Go read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Get therapy.
posted by hush at 10:29 AM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
"After I left the bar, I get a a string of angry texts from ex for the next 48 hours of him basically being like "I cant believe you did this to me," "I hope you're happy. Does he make you happy?, " you clearly don't love me anymore and I haven't been able to sleep and eat because of this"... " Hell no!!!
RUN! Block him everywheres. Change your passwords and locks. Go read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Get therapy.
posted by hush at 10:29 AM on June 23, 2015 [8 favorites]
Therapy isn't going to fix this guy. Deciding not be an asshole is going to fix this guy.
Here's a secret about human nature that becomes obvious if you pay attention: the worst abusers who hurt others almost always have a victim complex. Their inner voice says "I'm hurt, so I can't help it. They're strong, so they can take it. I deserve to get back at the world for my issues/pain."
This dude needs to stop blaming the world and start blaming himself, yesterday. But he won't. He's a chump. Stop talking to him, move on and date someone else.
posted by quincunx at 10:36 AM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
Here's a secret about human nature that becomes obvious if you pay attention: the worst abusers who hurt others almost always have a victim complex. Their inner voice says "I'm hurt, so I can't help it. They're strong, so they can take it. I deserve to get back at the world for my issues/pain."
This dude needs to stop blaming the world and start blaming himself, yesterday. But he won't. He's a chump. Stop talking to him, move on and date someone else.
posted by quincunx at 10:36 AM on June 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
Do not get back together and stop all contact for at least a year. Staying in contact and trying to be friends right away is a recipe for disaster. This post-breakup enmeshment is very unhealthy and your ex seems to have some scary boundary issues with the stalker behavior. Stop all contact. Period.
posted by quince at 11:04 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by quince at 11:04 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
This guy sounds soooo much like my ex-boyfriend. Cut off all contact and don't look back.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:13 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 11:13 AM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
This dramatic, creepy, possessive, jealous, grandstanding, abusive, manipulative, seedy, unstable, lying, hypocritical stalker is probably not the one for you.
Go be single. no contact. really no contact this time.
posted by French Fry at 12:07 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Go be single. no contact. really no contact this time.
posted by French Fry at 12:07 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm going to ask the old Ann Landers question: Are you better off with him or without him?
During the month, we weren't talking, I would say that I was at my happiest. Of course, I would think about the breakup and would get sad but I was happy in all other areas of my life and felt like I was back to my normal self before him. I felt like a bunch of weight was lifted because I stood up for myself and felt like I was finally back in control of my life.
Based on everything you said, but especially the part above, I think you know the answer to this question.
posted by SisterHavana at 12:19 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
During the month, we weren't talking, I would say that I was at my happiest. Of course, I would think about the breakup and would get sad but I was happy in all other areas of my life and felt like I was back to my normal self before him. I felt like a bunch of weight was lifted because I stood up for myself and felt like I was finally back in control of my life.
Based on everything you said, but especially the part above, I think you know the answer to this question.
posted by SisterHavana at 12:19 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
What stands out to me is that he seems to be "on his best behavior" when he thinks he has a chance of getting you back - he certainly wasn't on his best behavior when he felt threatened with the possibility of you leaving him! That display was controlling, possessive, and deeply disrespectful of your autonomy. Do you want to be with someone who is capable of acting like that when he doesn't get his way?
Right now he's got your attention and so he's turning on the charm; what do you think would happen if you said (as you should) that you've decided you do not want to get back with him and that you need him to not contact you again? If the response is anything other than immediate and total respect of your wishes, I would be very concerned. As in, please listen to the folks above who are warning you about stalking behavior.
You say you were happiest during the month you weren't talking to this guy. You deserve that happiness, and obviously worked hard for it - why would you deny it to yourself? Just because he has some nice qualities or is working on himself doesn't mean you owe him a relationship.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:29 PM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Right now he's got your attention and so he's turning on the charm; what do you think would happen if you said (as you should) that you've decided you do not want to get back with him and that you need him to not contact you again? If the response is anything other than immediate and total respect of your wishes, I would be very concerned. As in, please listen to the folks above who are warning you about stalking behavior.
You say you were happiest during the month you weren't talking to this guy. You deserve that happiness, and obviously worked hard for it - why would you deny it to yourself? Just because he has some nice qualities or is working on himself doesn't mean you owe him a relationship.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:29 PM on June 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Shoot, forgot one more thing:
Adopt the healthy puppy.
For what it's worth, I was getting the same vibe janey47 seems to be getting from your question: you sound like you're considering taking him back more because you/he think he needs you than because you want to be with him. This is no healthy basis for a relationship, and you absolutely deserve better.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:34 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Adopt the healthy puppy.
For what it's worth, I was getting the same vibe janey47 seems to be getting from your question: you sound like you're considering taking him back more because you/he think he needs you than because you want to be with him. This is no healthy basis for a relationship, and you absolutely deserve better.
posted by DingoMutt at 12:34 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Yuck!!! Who would want this guy as is?!! None of us! You wouldn't either if you read this same post from a stranger. You deserve the best, happiest life you can create. You owe this guy nothing. He broke up with you! Walk away and don't look back.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:48 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:48 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: and wants to become a better person for me
Yeah. So, look, I used to date a guy who was really charming, artsy, fun, nice, and social. He was also a disaster in lots of ways -- chronically underemployed (like, he never worked more than about 10 hours a week throughout his 20s), an alcoholic (had to be at a bar every night of the week), couldn't get out of bed before noon, had zero self-care skills, lived off small windfalls of inheritance money from his grandma (and spent 110% of it on records and booze), and was incredibly selfish (he took me out to a nice restaurant once to celebrate some good news in my life after an extended period of tough luck and then asked me to pay the bill) and dishonest (he was cheating on me with an ex in another city as it turned out). It took a while for me to come to my senses, but once I did, his behavior became dramatic and remorseful in his efforts to win me back. Fast forward a few months: I started dating a new guy. The new guy was a lot of things that my ex wasn't: employed! financially independent! a moderate, social drinker only! actually insisted on picking up the check for meals when we went out to eat! actually got up in the morning! It didn't hurt that he looked like a J. Crew model either, but I digress. One night, we were out on a date and my ex ran into us. I barely noticed him, but later I got a melodramatic visit from my ex. He said he just had to tell me that he had recently given up drinking, but that seeing me with a new guy caused him to head straight to the nearest bar and get drunk.
I was really offended by that ploy. As an adult child of alcoholic parents, I have lived the ways in which someone's struggle with alcohol can be used to manipulate others and create codependency. I looked straight at him, said I was glad to hear he was trying to make decisions to improve his own life, and that who I date has nothing to do with his decisions. Full stop.
Back when I was dating my ex, a friend said something that has really stuck with me and shaped how I evaluated romantic partners: "You want to be in a relationship that your community -- the people whom you love and respect and care about -- can champion. That is not what you're in right now." I took that perspective to heart and going forward I started evaluating romantic partners in that light. I didn't wind up staying with that new guy. I realized we had some differences in values and we ended things and I dated other nice people. Now we see each other around and wave hello and that's that (and by the way, that's what a normal post break up relationship can look like). Fast forward a few years: I'm engaged to someone awesome now that my community loves wholeheartedly and I'm so excited to build a life with him.
There are lots of great people out there to date (and/or marry if that's your thing). Why on earth would you want to settle down with someone as manipulative and dramatic as your ex?
posted by pinetree at 1:02 PM on June 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
Yeah. So, look, I used to date a guy who was really charming, artsy, fun, nice, and social. He was also a disaster in lots of ways -- chronically underemployed (like, he never worked more than about 10 hours a week throughout his 20s), an alcoholic (had to be at a bar every night of the week), couldn't get out of bed before noon, had zero self-care skills, lived off small windfalls of inheritance money from his grandma (and spent 110% of it on records and booze), and was incredibly selfish (he took me out to a nice restaurant once to celebrate some good news in my life after an extended period of tough luck and then asked me to pay the bill) and dishonest (he was cheating on me with an ex in another city as it turned out). It took a while for me to come to my senses, but once I did, his behavior became dramatic and remorseful in his efforts to win me back. Fast forward a few months: I started dating a new guy. The new guy was a lot of things that my ex wasn't: employed! financially independent! a moderate, social drinker only! actually insisted on picking up the check for meals when we went out to eat! actually got up in the morning! It didn't hurt that he looked like a J. Crew model either, but I digress. One night, we were out on a date and my ex ran into us. I barely noticed him, but later I got a melodramatic visit from my ex. He said he just had to tell me that he had recently given up drinking, but that seeing me with a new guy caused him to head straight to the nearest bar and get drunk.
I was really offended by that ploy. As an adult child of alcoholic parents, I have lived the ways in which someone's struggle with alcohol can be used to manipulate others and create codependency. I looked straight at him, said I was glad to hear he was trying to make decisions to improve his own life, and that who I date has nothing to do with his decisions. Full stop.
Back when I was dating my ex, a friend said something that has really stuck with me and shaped how I evaluated romantic partners: "You want to be in a relationship that your community -- the people whom you love and respect and care about -- can champion. That is not what you're in right now." I took that perspective to heart and going forward I started evaluating romantic partners in that light. I didn't wind up staying with that new guy. I realized we had some differences in values and we ended things and I dated other nice people. Now we see each other around and wave hello and that's that (and by the way, that's what a normal post break up relationship can look like). Fast forward a few years: I'm engaged to someone awesome now that my community loves wholeheartedly and I'm so excited to build a life with him.
There are lots of great people out there to date (and/or marry if that's your thing). Why on earth would you want to settle down with someone as manipulative and dramatic as your ex?
posted by pinetree at 1:02 PM on June 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'm sorry to be the latest to pile on, but I hope you're getting the sense that you may have wasted your question and that the question you should have asked is "At what point should I start thinking about a restraining order?"
It sounds to me like you're not quite there yet but this guy has definite restraining order potential judging from what you have written.
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds to me like you're not quite there yet but this guy has definite restraining order potential judging from what you have written.
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
here's your headline:
"Toxic ex broke up with me and wants to get back together..."
which is very different than..."I am trying to get back with my ex..."
What I mean to say that this problem is all on your ex...
Their problem is not your problem--how they deal with that fact you are no longer together is for them to figure out.
I do think you have already moved on-- which may or may not be with a new guy but you have definitely moved on.
why would you want to move backwards?
posted by calgirl at 1:45 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Toxic ex broke up with me and wants to get back together..."
which is very different than..."I am trying to get back with my ex..."
What I mean to say that this problem is all on your ex...
Their problem is not your problem--how they deal with that fact you are no longer together is for them to figure out.
I do think you have already moved on-- which may or may not be with a new guy but you have definitely moved on.
why would you want to move backwards?
posted by calgirl at 1:45 PM on June 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: There are so, so many red flags in your description of this guy that it is honestly scary. I would not date him. I would not have sex with him. I would not talk to him on the phone. I would give him zero more chances.
He is not a safe person. He is a stalker, abusive, manipulative, creepy, and this is a situation where I could see violence perpertartaed on you.
While Metafilter sometimes gets ourselves worked up, we really don't tend to use words like stalker lightly. But, blunt, honest opinion: This is stalking. And harassment. And wrong. And entirely unhealthy for you. I see nothing good in this guys behavior. You deserve better. You deserve peace. And happiness. And not having to deal with this Lifetime movie shit.
If you go no contact (and I think you should!) he will likely escalate. But he is no longer yor responsibility (not that he ever truly was). You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. You cannot be all his answers. You can only protect yourself- and please, please do protect yourself.
Pie meant that bit about changing your locks. And I agree with Nerd about the restraining order, sadly. I'm sorry this is happening to you.... but you yourself know (and said several times) he is toxic. Poision. Don't swallow his bullshit. I give ou full permission to do everything you need to stay away from him, permanently.
posted by Jacen at 1:59 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
He is not a safe person. He is a stalker, abusive, manipulative, creepy, and this is a situation where I could see violence perpertartaed on you.
While Metafilter sometimes gets ourselves worked up, we really don't tend to use words like stalker lightly. But, blunt, honest opinion: This is stalking. And harassment. And wrong. And entirely unhealthy for you. I see nothing good in this guys behavior. You deserve better. You deserve peace. And happiness. And not having to deal with this Lifetime movie shit.
If you go no contact (and I think you should!) he will likely escalate. But he is no longer yor responsibility (not that he ever truly was). You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. You cannot be all his answers. You can only protect yourself- and please, please do protect yourself.
Pie meant that bit about changing your locks. And I agree with Nerd about the restraining order, sadly. I'm sorry this is happening to you.... but you yourself know (and said several times) he is toxic. Poision. Don't swallow his bullshit. I give ou full permission to do everything you need to stay away from him, permanently.
posted by Jacen at 1:59 PM on June 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
I apologize if I seem harsh, but I was in a similar situation and a friend told me that "giving my ex a second chance would be like giving him the go ahead to mistreat me and neglect me again." I wish I could be more optimistic, but you need a better person in your life. He's hurt you before, he'll do it again.
posted by dragonbaby07 at 5:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by dragonbaby07 at 5:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Isn't it nice that he wants you to think about him all the time? That he had to break up with you? That he had to have sex with another woman because of you? This is classic narcissism. You are to blame for everything he does. You have to pander to his every whim. If you don't, he'll threaten to kill himself, but he really won't, he'll just sleep with another woman and blame you for it. How sweet! I would just love a guy who would stalk me and then do that and blame me for it.
This is classic abusive behavior. He already stalked you. I had this happen to me but I didn't recognize it at the time, because I was too nice.
That's what you are: you are too nice. You need to get a thick shell and boot this guy to the curb ASAP. He is bad news and you are the good news, because you have a nice new guy, don't you?
No worries. Just block him and if he doesn't get the message, your new guy will give it to him, right? Don't hang out in those places and go onto new ones. What he is doing to you is sick. He is a sick person, and you are a healthy person for questioning it and moving on. Yes, you are nice, but don't be that nice. Cut him off right now and move on with your new fella.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
This is classic abusive behavior. He already stalked you. I had this happen to me but I didn't recognize it at the time, because I was too nice.
That's what you are: you are too nice. You need to get a thick shell and boot this guy to the curb ASAP. He is bad news and you are the good news, because you have a nice new guy, don't you?
No worries. Just block him and if he doesn't get the message, your new guy will give it to him, right? Don't hang out in those places and go onto new ones. What he is doing to you is sick. He is a sick person, and you are a healthy person for questioning it and moving on. Yes, you are nice, but don't be that nice. Cut him off right now and move on with your new fella.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:38 PM on June 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
what's the point of dodging a bullet if you're gonna put another one in the chamber and point the gun at your face?
posted by lzd at 11:26 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by lzd at 11:26 PM on June 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Do it.
posted by Etrigan at 9:21 AM on June 23, 2015 [7 favorites]