Supporting someone recovering from top surgery

June 4, 2015 7:28 AM

My partner is getting top surgery in August, and I've read lots of general information about what the recovery is like, but I want to hear what helped when you or someone close to you was recovering from top surgery-- what you needed the most help with, what was useful, what you wish you'd known.

Possibly pertinent details:
- He's getting surgery in another city, I am the person who'll be picking him up and we'll be taking the train home together.
- We don't live together, but he lives close enough to both my house and my work that I could stop by any time.
- He's not sure yet if he's getting keyhole or double incision.
- He is a young and healthy guy, but he is also a person who is used to being ludicrously busy, and will probably be inclined to push himself harder than he should.

You can also email me at [e-mail].

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (13 answers total)

I think surgeons minimize the amount of pain and the recovery time needed post-op.
Any kind of anesthesia puts digestive tract to sleep - have stool softeners on hand, lots of liquids including sprite and light juices, and if the surgery is to repair a bone or joint, get some good cold packs that can be placed on the sore areas.
Light foods for awhile - soups and toast to start, don't offer lots of protein for a couple of days if at all possible.
Make sure to "stay ahead of the pain" so even if he acts tough, pain meds for a couple of days at least are very necessary (unless it is a very minor procedure of course but even then it is good to take NSAIDS for a few days post-op).
posted by linder6 at 7:53 AM on June 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

(oops, just noticed the type of surgery!) so - i have more specifics - lots of pain! and probably drains, collecting fluid from the body trying to heal the area. He will need zip up shirts for awhile as he won't be able to raise his arms up. Cold packs and hot packs.
sleep sitting up for awhile, in an armchair or propped up on a couch.
posted by linder6 at 7:55 AM on June 4, 2015

I don't have firsthand experience, but here are some things I have bookmarked for when my sweetie has his surgery next year:

Joey Had "The Surgery"
Top Surgery Packing List: Yes's, No's, and Stuff You Might Want to Get

Is he recovering at home, or is he spending the first few days in hospital/a recovery center? If he's recovering 100% at home, it's likely that he'll need someone there with him all the time for the first few days. Arm/shoulder movement will be very limited post-surgery, and trying to do things for himself (like change his shirt, shower, tend to bathroom stuff) can be hard (or impossible) without assistance.
posted by okayokayigive at 7:57 AM on June 4, 2015

This is not specific to top surgery, but you're already worried about one of the right things:

He is a young and healthy guy, but he is also a person who is used to being ludicrously busy, and will probably be inclined to push himself harder than he should.

It is human nature, I guess, to expect to be the exception and to "beat" the benchmarks set out by the extremely highly-trained and experienced professionals who are trying to tell you what to do. If there is any way you can start now with an indoctrination program of "we will follow the instructions we are given to the fullest possible extent, because we trust they come from a place of experience over the long term", start.

Because of all the people I know who've had any sort of surgery, it's the ones who - whether for heavy rehab/physical therapy reasons or because of a spreadsheety type of personality - were given and followed a recovery plan based on experience and years of schooling so that, at the end of the recovery period, pretty much were done. They didn't let "but I feel so good today!" interfere with "we're telling you to do it this way so you feel good 5 years from now and aren't having to have adhesions corrected or repairs done."

A post-surgery nervous system is altered and does not necessarily know what's best, and the reptile brain is constantly saying "keep moving, or the cheetahs will eat us, pretend everything is fine!".

Pushing too hard is not a virtue. And there's no medals for it, nobody's going to send a check. Work with the doctor to put together a plan, and work to the plan. There's going to be a day on that plan marked "arms raised above head" and don't do that before that day but try it on that day, and tell someone (the other side of the coin: this is not a time for silent stoicism) if it is a problem on that day. Plan for success, bug and nag the doctor for this information if you have to, get a referral to a PT or OT if they recommend it, work the plan.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:58 AM on June 4, 2015 [9 favorites]

My ex had top surgery when we were still together. I think he mainly wore a loose zip up hoodie over the post-surgery binder. Luckily he had his surgery in Winter.

Have access to plenty of his favourite movies and tv shows to keep him entertained.

I'm pretty sure that sex and masturbation are discouraged during the recovery period,so be mindful of that if his surgeon also recommends against it.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:26 AM on June 4, 2015

Also, n-thing stool softeners. And you might also like to keep some probiotics on hand to treat any potential thrush that the antibiotics might cause.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 8:27 AM on June 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Speaking generally about being a support person for someone who has had surgery (or is sick), here are my tips (Qualifications: nurse, parent, previously a doula):

- Offer don't ask: asking questions like, "what do you want me to do?" creates mental work for the person. Instead, offer to do things, "I'm going to knock out a few dishes if that's OK." . Sure, you should still ask, "Is there anything else you need?" He should be the one guiding what kind of help he needs. But just beware of dropping the balance of the mental work on him.
- Talk directly about the surgery, don't be afraid to name what's going on. Don't let your own discomforts get in the way of giving him the opportunity to talk openly about his body, emotions, pain, etc (and this doesn't seem like it would be an issue for you but it frequently is around illness and surgery)
- Everything he does might be really slow for a few days, so budget enough time when you go there to go at his pace.
- Be gentle around his recovering body.
- If you're going to be spending a lot of time together, build in respite time for yourself. Helping someone after surgery can be pretty intense and you will benefit from having built in time to go do your own thing for periods of time, or at least have a friend to talk to about your own feelings if for example you get resentful or have a reaction to seeing the fluid in his drains or whatnot.

Specific tasks to offer to do (or just do if you have that kind of relationship):
Dishes
Laundry (if that isn't too intimate)
Bring water/other beverages/fill water glass next to bed.
Bring snacks next to bed.
Clear up dishes from next to bed, empty the trash (in an unobtrusive way).
"Want me to bring your medication?" if he's left the pill bottles in the other room.

This seems like it could be a real time of connection between the two of you. Good luck going into it and good on you for wanting to be a great support person!
posted by latkes at 8:49 AM on June 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

He won't want to lift his arms. So, shirts that button, hoodies that zip, and put dishes and glasses down on the countertop, make sure remotes and electronics are within easy reach. He may not want to drive soon. He'll need help washing his hair and face.

As said above, stay ahead of the pain -- take meds on schedule for the first days/week, even if he isn't in PAIN NOW, because it's hours of discomfort to catch back up if you fall behind.

There are scar reduction tapes available (like here) -- I had some that a breast reduction forum recommended. Those might be a good place to look for nipple care advice, and what to watch for.

Miralax. The colace + senna never did much for me. Miralax, starting on day 1.
posted by Dashy at 8:49 AM on June 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

How much support he'll need will largely depend on what kind of surgery he's getting. Keyhole is far less invasive than double incision and most guys I know have bounced back from it very quickly since it involves mostly liposuction and little in the way of actual incisions. The recommendation for it will undoubtedly be a simple 'take it easy' (ie: rest, avoid lifting, etc.) for a few days.

If he receives double incision (the surgery I had), recovery will be longer (ie: months) and he'll need far more support through it. He'll be wearing drains for 3-7 days, so ensuring he has easy-to-remove shirts will be really helpful -- I wore button-downs in a larger size than normal. Removing the button-downs didn't require me to lift my arms -- which was incredibly painful to do so soon after surgery (as it places stress on the incision lines) and concealed the compression vest underneath quite well -- well enough that I felt comfortable going outside. Zip hoodies are also an option here if he's in a colder climate. I wore loose-fitting sweatpants or basketball shorts during this time as well -- comfortable and very easy to slip off.

Having a nice, quiet place to rest/sleep will also be important -- the higher up off the ground (as to avoid bending over or twisting) the better. I typically felt better lying on my back during recovery; the compression vest he'll get will be quite tight and possibly quite uncomfortable -- especially when sitting upright. I'd suggest having plenty of pillows and blankets on-hand and prescribed meds and entertainment within arms-reach.

Something that I would've found incredibly helpful at the time would've been some easy-to-prepare snacks/meals. Some could be made in advance and frozen/sealed so that he can simply pop them in the microwave or cook them on the stove top. I would avoid meals requiring use of the oven -- the bending over and carrying that's required for it put a lot of stress on the new incisions for me. Utensils/plates that can be thrown away instead of having to be washed would also be convenient -- washing dishes or loading the dishwasher was agony (especially when still wearing the drains/vest). Having stool softeners and probiotics on hand is a good idea -- going under for surgery can wreak a little havoc on the digestive system and constipation following a double incision surgery is not fun.

He may also appreciate some support as it pertains cleaning himself. If he gets double incision surgery, he won't be able to bath for several days. A supply of body wipes of some kind will be extraordinarily helpful -- as will good quality toilet paper. If you really want to splurge for him -- a detachable shower head would be wonderful for allowing him to wash his hair and other areas of his body without putting too much tension on the new incisions. If you're willing to wash his hair for him that would be awesome -- after nearly a week, I felt so much better post-surgery when I could finally bring my arms up high enough to do so.

Finally, if he gets double incision he's probably going to get kind of bored while on bed-rest. Binging on Netflix is an option, but tasks where he can use his hands or brain will probably help stave off the restlessness that kicks in after a few days -- board games, crosswords, puzzles, handheld games, and art supplies (ie: sketchbook, pencils) were very helpful when I was recovering. Also, after a few days, I really appreciated it when several friends came over and we had a movie night -- being able to socialize in-person with others without having to leave my 'recovery area' really helped to lift my spirits. If someone had the ability to go on short neighborhood walks with me, I would've really appreciated that as well.

Naturally, the recommendation to take it easy and avoid heavy lifting applies for the double incision surgery too. The longer he is able to hold off on the latter, the more likely he is to minimize the scarring. I waited 5 months or so before I returned to normal activity/lifting and my incisions remained incredibly thin. I waited nearly 8 months before doing any kind of real lifting. Guys I know who started lifting too much, too soon after surgery ended up with wide, thick scars that require revision. Sun exposure is also something to consider -- sun can result in browning of scars so I avoided direct sunlight on my chest for several months post-surgery for this reason and ended up with pale scars that are barely noticeable at first glance. This definitely requires fighting against the urgency that most guys feel post-surgery -- I know I couldn't wait to start working on my pecs or going shirtless -- but fully healing first will provide better results in the long run.

Good luck to your guy and thank you for being a thoughtful, supportive partner. Surgery, even one that's exciting and highly anticipated, is scary. Your help will mean a world of difference.
posted by stubbehtail at 9:39 AM on June 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I supported a close friend recovering from top surgery a few years back. My friend does not remember things that happened during the first four days due to the pain meds; your partner should plan on catching up on some TV or playing some low-movement video games, because getting work done will not just be bad for the recovery, but bad for the work.

Due to extremely restricted arm movement, my friend needed my assistance with:
-- eating, the first day
-- cooking, the first week
-- picking up food, medication
-- reminding to take medication (he needed straws for drinking)
-- getting dressed (button down pajamas all the way), including pants and underwear
-- changing the drainage setup (some blood and goo here)
-- washing hair
-- rearranging the bed to sit comfortably in, or for sleeping
-- getting in and out of bed (I slept in the same room so that he could call for me when he needed help getting up to use the bathroom at night.)

I was glad that we had specifically talked about how I wanted to help, that I would be happy to help with any request, and that I promised to say if otherwise, because I imagine that without the elaborate "no, really, please tell me when you need something" he would have felt uncomfortable about some of the ways he was relying on me.
posted by Pwoink at 11:31 AM on June 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

I forgot to say -- you mention that you will be "picking him up" after the surgery. During my friend's surgery, I waited in the waiting room so that I could be called in afterwards to receive instructions on how to clean out the blood/goo drainage things. I was also called in much earlier than expected because my friend was having trouble with the pain, so the nurses called me back so that I could talk him down and hold his hand. So, heads up that you might be needed for more than transportation.
posted by Pwoink at 11:38 AM on June 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

I did double incision in January. It's completely miserable until the drains come out (which feels like being stabbed in reverse, but you get clearance to shower, which is amazing.) The drains are gross and he will need help with them in the first few days or week.

I was not able to be alone for the first 3 days, YMMV. I was groggy from the anesthesia and they gave me an anti-nausea patch, which contributed to that. I also had to stay on a pain/antibiotics schedule, which I could not have managed myself. I could not dress myself properly or do much more than lift a fork to my mouth and hold a plate, then fall asleep listening to a podcast. My dear friend helped me out with that and fed me until I got better. I had a checkup after 3 days and I would not have made it to the doctor alone even in a cab, but 10 days later the drains came out I got rapidly better.

For the first week I had a hard time concentrating on anything and felt totally disgusting. I couldn't shower and that drove me nuts, and I should have asked my friend to wash my hair. I should have also asked her to take care of some billing/insurance paperwork for me, because it was on my mind the whole time, and it took way longer than it needed once I was up to traveling again. I had one of those reacher grabber claw things that I didn't use much, but really needed once or twice.

I couldn't lift my arms over my head for a good three weeks, and had to wash each part individually-- for example, leaning way over and kneeling in the tub with the handheld shower head to do my hair. I had some dry shampoo but managed not to use it. Once the drains came out I was mostly bored and annoyed at being unable to do anything fun. Everyone I know works for a living so I spent a lot of time alone. I went to the zoo and museums, and that helped, but I was very tired at the end of the day.

Getting in and out of bed sucks, because you use your arms and chest to lever yourself up more than you might expect, and I strongly suggest being propped up to sleep or sleeping in a recliner. It was a great day when I got to sleep in my regular bed, about two weeks later. I was back to work in a month-- I was not up to lifting anything, but luckily I didn't have to until I was ready.

It looks gnarly as hell the first time the wrap comes off, so be prepared for some complicated feelings. Also, post-surgical depression is totally a thing. Rest assured, it heals up quick. I had a hard time feeling lazy and weak and not going to the gym, but two months later, I was back to a limited workout schedule, and as of now I'm back where I was and actually lifting more weight. :)

I don't care how scarred I am, but they did give me silicone scar sheets. I don't know how much they helped. I would suggest getting both them and the compression vest and just holding onto them until needed. Scar sheets are hard to find in drugstores. I am glad I cleaned my house prior, since I wasn't able to keep up with it...so it didn't get really dire until I was back on my feet, which helped me stay positive.
posted by blnkfrnk at 7:13 PM on June 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

Just as a note, drains are not a guarantee -- my surgeon doesn't use them any more (I had surgery in Dec '13 and he'd stopped a while before that, having concluded that most people had no better outcomes and a lot more pain with them, so). Possibly relatedly, it sounds like I had an easier time of it than many others in this thread. I had nearly no pain (I think I took one, maaaybe two, of the Norco they prescribed me, before I switched to half-doses of Tylenol just to keep swelling down) unless I was doing something obviously unwise like trying to raise my arms more than I should have.

I did need help putting my shirts on for the first few days, since I couldn't bend my arms behind me enough to get them into the second sleeve unless someone was holding it. Also I was so wiped that going two blocks to get coffee made me want to faceplant into the table when I got there, so definitely seconding helping out with having easy food on hand and being willing to chill out and play brainless board games. And yes oh my god to the hair washing if you're up for it, I felt grimy the whole time.
posted by dorque at 8:15 AM on June 5, 2015 [1 favorite]