"He's not my son... he's my husband"
March 22, 2015 3:53 PM Subscribe
My wife and I recently had a baby. Yesterday, a stranger mistook her for my mother. Now she's really bummed out. Can you share some advice on actions I can take to help lift her spirits up?
My wife, being the super kind soul she is, arranged for a massage for me since she knows my new job is starting to really stress me out. She accompanied me while I got my first-ever massage at a local spa. So far so good!
However, as we were leaving, the (somewhat older) lady at reception asked if "her son" had liked the massage. A brief uncomfortable silence followed and a hurt expression darkened my wife's face, after which she managed to blurt out "He's not my son.. he's my husband." The lady did not even apologize, she only looked at us with a skeptical expression... so we simply said our goodbyes and left, and then my wife broke into tears in the car.
My wife is two years older than me, which she's already sensitive about. She most certainly does not look old enough to be my mom. I don't even think she looks older than me, although she might look a bit tired since we are currently raising a baby, but anyone who is (imo) lucky to meet her soon finds out she irradiates a very youthful and positive energy. Plus I am one of those guys who is practically in middle age but cursed with both a baby face and a beer belly. Which is why I don't fault the lady that much... but I also think it's one of those things people shouldn't assume before opening their big mouths, much like asking someone if they're pregnant.
Anyway, I'm looking for suggestions on how to help her feel good about her looks. We recently joined a health club, which is already having a positive effect on both of us, but I'd like to do more. For example maybe stuff like date nights, which we should start doing again, but we're still a little anxious about leaving the new baby with her teen-aged sister. Said sister is actually quite responsible, so we'll start going out again soon.
Any other ideas? Hopefully someone in a similar situation will be able to chime in, but any and all suggestions will be welcome. Thanks!
My wife, being the super kind soul she is, arranged for a massage for me since she knows my new job is starting to really stress me out. She accompanied me while I got my first-ever massage at a local spa. So far so good!
However, as we were leaving, the (somewhat older) lady at reception asked if "her son" had liked the massage. A brief uncomfortable silence followed and a hurt expression darkened my wife's face, after which she managed to blurt out "He's not my son.. he's my husband." The lady did not even apologize, she only looked at us with a skeptical expression... so we simply said our goodbyes and left, and then my wife broke into tears in the car.
My wife is two years older than me, which she's already sensitive about. She most certainly does not look old enough to be my mom. I don't even think she looks older than me, although she might look a bit tired since we are currently raising a baby, but anyone who is (imo) lucky to meet her soon finds out she irradiates a very youthful and positive energy. Plus I am one of those guys who is practically in middle age but cursed with both a baby face and a beer belly. Which is why I don't fault the lady that much... but I also think it's one of those things people shouldn't assume before opening their big mouths, much like asking someone if they're pregnant.
Anyway, I'm looking for suggestions on how to help her feel good about her looks. We recently joined a health club, which is already having a positive effect on both of us, but I'd like to do more. For example maybe stuff like date nights, which we should start doing again, but we're still a little anxious about leaving the new baby with her teen-aged sister. Said sister is actually quite responsible, so we'll start going out again soon.
Any other ideas? Hopefully someone in a similar situation will be able to chime in, but any and all suggestions will be welcome. Thanks!
Biggest thing you can do is vet and arrange the babysitting. You can help by helping train the babysitter, etc.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:01 PM on March 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:01 PM on March 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
A car dealer did this to me! I am 2 years older than my husband, but he is grayer and more wrinkly than I am (by his own admission and general agreement) so....fuck that guy. And that lady. Doubly fuck her for not apologizing once you clarified the situation.
(I gave our car business to another dealer, btw.)
The first year is so hard anyway, it sucks that someone made her feel bad in addition to the sleep deprivation and hormone storm.
Also, people are bad at telling ages, in general. Which would be fine if they realized that and refrained from making assumptions.
posted by emjaybee at 4:06 PM on March 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
(I gave our car business to another dealer, btw.)
The first year is so hard anyway, it sucks that someone made her feel bad in addition to the sleep deprivation and hormone storm.
Also, people are bad at telling ages, in general. Which would be fine if they realized that and refrained from making assumptions.
posted by emjaybee at 4:06 PM on March 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
Mod note: Folks, let's keep it focused on the question: what can he do for her?
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 4:09 PM on March 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 4:09 PM on March 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Last Mother's Day, my dad (then age 54), my little brother (then age 21), and I (then age 23) were picking up some Chinese food for lunch. The cashier surveyed the three of us, looked me in the eye, and said "Happy Mother's Day! What a cute family!"
I was...livid - did I really look old enough to be the mother of a 21 year old? My dad was also unimpressed - did he really look the type to marry little girls and impregnate them at a disgustingly young age? My mom howled with laughter when we told her, though.
This is all to say that I agree with Llama: People say dumb things and this woman was batshit. Fuck her.
As for what you can do - a lot depends on her personality. Is she the type that could be made to laugh at this ridiculous lady and her rude comment? If so, you might try and go that route. If she's not that type (many people aren't) you might instead focus on doing nice things for her - bring her flowers if she likes them, pick up her favorite sweet treat on your way home from work, invite her for walks and similar "fresh air" type things (could be tricky to be spontaneous given the baby)...those types of things. Be especially demonstrative with your feelings.
It's sweet of you to want to make her feel better about this.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:12 PM on March 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
I was...livid - did I really look old enough to be the mother of a 21 year old? My dad was also unimpressed - did he really look the type to marry little girls and impregnate them at a disgustingly young age? My mom howled with laughter when we told her, though.
This is all to say that I agree with Llama: People say dumb things and this woman was batshit. Fuck her.
As for what you can do - a lot depends on her personality. Is she the type that could be made to laugh at this ridiculous lady and her rude comment? If so, you might try and go that route. If she's not that type (many people aren't) you might instead focus on doing nice things for her - bring her flowers if she likes them, pick up her favorite sweet treat on your way home from work, invite her for walks and similar "fresh air" type things (could be tricky to be spontaneous given the baby)...those types of things. Be especially demonstrative with your feelings.
It's sweet of you to want to make her feel better about this.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:12 PM on March 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I think that doing things that show her you still think she's attractive (like date nights, showing physical affection, maybe flowers if that's a thing she likes) rather than doing things that indicate you think she has to change in order to be attractive again (like encouraging her to go to the gym) would be your best bet.
posted by jaguar at 4:16 PM on March 22, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 4:16 PM on March 22, 2015 [32 favorites]
Keep telling her how great she looks. I'm not kidding. Having a wee one makes you feel instantly old and dowdy.
Also, stylish clothes. Buy here snazzy hats or a new jacket or something relevant. Keeping your wardrobe updated is so hard during this phase.
posted by jbenben at 4:17 PM on March 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
Also, stylish clothes. Buy here snazzy hats or a new jacket or something relevant. Keeping your wardrobe updated is so hard during this phase.
posted by jbenben at 4:17 PM on March 22, 2015 [8 favorites]
One possibility that might make you and your wife feel better is that it could have been an incorrect assumption based on population trends, not looks. It's might be slightly uncommon (not at all bad or weird) for a husband/wife pair to go to a spa and for only the husband to get a massage. But certain spas provide therapeutic massages to athletes, and it may be commons for mothers to accompany their sons in that case.
My own mother loves to tell the story of the time she got mistaken for my father's mother - it was over the phone, so it wasn't looks-based at all. She had co-signed a loan with him, and the bank teller just made the wrong assumption about their relationship, probably due to other context clues.
posted by fermezporte at 4:18 PM on March 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
My own mother loves to tell the story of the time she got mistaken for my father's mother - it was over the phone, so it wasn't looks-based at all. She had co-signed a loan with him, and the bank teller just made the wrong assumption about their relationship, probably due to other context clues.
posted by fermezporte at 4:18 PM on March 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'm 16 years older than my husband so we get this about once every 6 months, though in our case I guess it could technically be true. I've tried to encourage my husband to take up a stressful job or smoking so he'll age faster, but the bastard insists on having a baby face the whole 10 years I've been with him.
When it happens & it gets me down my husband is great at letting me know he finds me attractive, not just in a wanting to have sex kind of way, which in your case with a baby around might just make her feel more tired. No waiting for date night, let her know how beautiful you think she is, come home with a bunch of flowers, bring dinner or make it, because a woman as beautiful as her should have a day off. Take every chance to just randomly tell her how beautiful you think she is, baby sick on her collar or whatever, just tell her whenever it strikes you, and mean it when you say it, do not be afraid to show her with a look or a touch of your hand just how beautiful you think she is. Because right now she is tired & feeling anything but beautiful and is scared she is going to be stuck in mummy mode for forever.
If you have the money & she is the sort to like such things, encourage her to go our for a while to buy herself some new clothes or makeup, or go to a spa while you stay home with baby. If money/time is an issue let her have that night off, run her a bubble bath, pamper her a little. Sometimes just having an hour to spend on yourself can make you feel better.
While the gym thing is nice in theory, as others have said it implies she can be pretty/look younger one day but today is not that day. Remind her you love her how she is.
I know a lot of my responses sound cliched, but cliches become cliches for a reason.
If nothing else get up off your computer right now, look her deep in her eyes & tell her how much you love her and how damn beautiful she is.
posted by wwax at 4:20 PM on March 22, 2015 [38 favorites]
When it happens & it gets me down my husband is great at letting me know he finds me attractive, not just in a wanting to have sex kind of way, which in your case with a baby around might just make her feel more tired. No waiting for date night, let her know how beautiful you think she is, come home with a bunch of flowers, bring dinner or make it, because a woman as beautiful as her should have a day off. Take every chance to just randomly tell her how beautiful you think she is, baby sick on her collar or whatever, just tell her whenever it strikes you, and mean it when you say it, do not be afraid to show her with a look or a touch of your hand just how beautiful you think she is. Because right now she is tired & feeling anything but beautiful and is scared she is going to be stuck in mummy mode for forever.
If you have the money & she is the sort to like such things, encourage her to go our for a while to buy herself some new clothes or makeup, or go to a spa while you stay home with baby. If money/time is an issue let her have that night off, run her a bubble bath, pamper her a little. Sometimes just having an hour to spend on yourself can make you feel better.
While the gym thing is nice in theory, as others have said it implies she can be pretty/look younger one day but today is not that day. Remind her you love her how she is.
I know a lot of my responses sound cliched, but cliches become cliches for a reason.
If nothing else get up off your computer right now, look her deep in her eyes & tell her how much you love her and how damn beautiful she is.
posted by wwax at 4:20 PM on March 22, 2015 [38 favorites]
Best answer: Women with small kids tend to be chronically short of sleep. Chronic lack of sleep actually does physically age you. I will suggest you try to get up one morning a week (with the kid) and let her sleep in. Make this a habit.
This was something my husband did regularly when the kids were little and it was a real sanity saver for me. I was routinely running on only 6 or 7 hours sleep (while coping with chronic health problems). Getting to sleep late one morning a week made it possible to cope the rest of the time.
Once when he was away for six weeks and I was pregnant and being run ragged by my two year old, a friend with three kids under age five insisted on taking my toddler overnight so I could sleep until noon. It really made a huge, huge difference.
Help your wife get a little more sleep. She will be less cranky and will look fresher as well.
posted by Michele in California at 4:21 PM on March 22, 2015 [26 favorites]
This was something my husband did regularly when the kids were little and it was a real sanity saver for me. I was routinely running on only 6 or 7 hours sleep (while coping with chronic health problems). Getting to sleep late one morning a week made it possible to cope the rest of the time.
Once when he was away for six weeks and I was pregnant and being run ragged by my two year old, a friend with three kids under age five insisted on taking my toddler overnight so I could sleep until noon. It really made a huge, huge difference.
Help your wife get a little more sleep. She will be less cranky and will look fresher as well.
posted by Michele in California at 4:21 PM on March 22, 2015 [26 favorites]
Seconding help your wife get more sleep, stay hydrated, let her go relax, arrange massages for her, get her a spa day with girlfriends---take as good care of her as she obviously does for you and the baby.
posted by discopolo at 4:28 PM on March 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 4:28 PM on March 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
I asked my dad what he would do if someone did this to my mom and he said he'd get on the phone with that receptionist and tell her off and then complain to the manager like crazy but YMMV.
He was also super mad on your wife's behalf so there's that, too. What a frustrating situation.
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:40 PM on March 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
He was also super mad on your wife's behalf so there's that, too. What a frustrating situation.
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:40 PM on March 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
I won't go into the stories where I was also mistaken for an older generation, but I think the key is "recently had a baby". I bet your wife is chronically sleep deprived (you both probably are), the kind of sleep deprivation that can only be made up by weeks of deep, uninterrupted restful sleep, which isn't going to happen any time soon. The other thing that may be happening is that your wife may be having a shift in self-perception, especially if this is your first child, from independent woman to "someone's mother".
Perhaps these things might help:
1) As much sleep/time as you can give her. When my children were little I had a young teenager (about 13) come in for an afternoon each Saturday while I was home (my husband's job frequently had him working weekends). The teenager gave me a break to read, write, even do some cooking/baking (which I quite liked), nap without needing to look after the baby. Because I was home and could take charge if needed, the youngster's relative inexperience didn't matter, but saved me from routine babycare.
2)Beauty care: something not about the baby, but your wife as a desireable woman: spa facial, massage, mani/pedi, whatever. Expert advice to help develop a fast, easy skin care and makeup routine to help.
3)Wardrobe revamp: I actually am getting old and recently had wardrobe consult to find more youthful styles and colours, and the know-how to put them together. Your wife might appreciate that kind of service, or maybe just a shopping trip to find something that is a bit more trendy, fun, or fashionale that can still stand up to the rigours of mothering an infant.
4)You doing things to reassure her she's also the woman you fell in love with. If your wife is a little anxious about her younger sister's ability to care for the baby, do an "at home date" the first couple of times, where Sis looks after the little one, but you and your wife order in yummies, get out some wine, watch a movie, play a board game, even have friends in. Sis does all the child care, you guys chill, and your wife can relax because if something truly urgent comes up (not just that the baby is fussing), you and she can totally take over. If the two of you want to bring pizza and wine into the bedroom for a couple of hours, you can do that, too.
Best of luck to you and your wife. It's hard to ignore the idiots, but easier for her if you can lavish your love and attention on her. And props to you for asking!
posted by angiep at 4:42 PM on March 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Perhaps these things might help:
1) As much sleep/time as you can give her. When my children were little I had a young teenager (about 13) come in for an afternoon each Saturday while I was home (my husband's job frequently had him working weekends). The teenager gave me a break to read, write, even do some cooking/baking (which I quite liked), nap without needing to look after the baby. Because I was home and could take charge if needed, the youngster's relative inexperience didn't matter, but saved me from routine babycare.
2)Beauty care: something not about the baby, but your wife as a desireable woman: spa facial, massage, mani/pedi, whatever. Expert advice to help develop a fast, easy skin care and makeup routine to help.
3)Wardrobe revamp: I actually am getting old and recently had wardrobe consult to find more youthful styles and colours, and the know-how to put them together. Your wife might appreciate that kind of service, or maybe just a shopping trip to find something that is a bit more trendy, fun, or fashionale that can still stand up to the rigours of mothering an infant.
4)You doing things to reassure her she's also the woman you fell in love with. If your wife is a little anxious about her younger sister's ability to care for the baby, do an "at home date" the first couple of times, where Sis looks after the little one, but you and your wife order in yummies, get out some wine, watch a movie, play a board game, even have friends in. Sis does all the child care, you guys chill, and your wife can relax because if something truly urgent comes up (not just that the baby is fussing), you and she can totally take over. If the two of you want to bring pizza and wine into the bedroom for a couple of hours, you can do that, too.
Best of luck to you and your wife. It's hard to ignore the idiots, but easier for her if you can lavish your love and attention on her. And props to you for asking!
posted by angiep at 4:42 PM on March 22, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: One thought just struck me: if in an effort to be loving you gift your wife beauty centric experiences such as spa days, shopping sprees, whatever, your wife might think that those gifts are you telling her that she DOES look old and she needs a makeover stat. Maybe hold those gifts for a few months from now so there's no issue of proximity to this lousy event, you know?
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:47 PM on March 22, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:47 PM on March 22, 2015 [28 favorites]
Best answer: It may seem obvious, but my husband constantly tells me how beautiful I am. He makes it a point to say, "Did I tell you how much I love you today?" or, "Your face looks like a Bottecilli painting, I can't get over it." Of course he's laying it on, but we love each other and have a good sense of humor together, so it feels nice that he makes the effort to say those things.
Sometimes I'll be talking to him, and he will say, "you are so beautiful, I can't get over how beautiful you are."
That may seem schmaltzy, but after years of men not acknowledging me/putting me down for not dressing up or wearing make-up to please them, it works remarkably well on a daily basis. He also reiterates that he loves it when I wear sweatpants, no make up, etc. Just a genuine, "I love you so much, you're so beautiful. Did I tell you how much I loved you today? Give us a kiss. I love hugging you."
So important to hear. Especially if you have given up your self to raise a child, to get back your womanhood and sense of worth. Because all of a sudden it's all about the baby, and of course you love the baby, but then "where am I?" And she wants to be beautiful in your eyes. And you have to verbalize that, every day. Show her love in both physical and verbal ways. Offer to help in any way. I can't count the number of times that I've been doing daily tasks, when my husband says, "let me know if I can help in any way," and I appreciate that he says that, even if I don't need his help.
It's not about giving her anything: it's about empathy and making yourself available to help, and laying on the praise and love. That is a true gift from a male partner.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:48 PM on March 22, 2015 [28 favorites]
Sometimes I'll be talking to him, and he will say, "you are so beautiful, I can't get over how beautiful you are."
That may seem schmaltzy, but after years of men not acknowledging me/putting me down for not dressing up or wearing make-up to please them, it works remarkably well on a daily basis. He also reiterates that he loves it when I wear sweatpants, no make up, etc. Just a genuine, "I love you so much, you're so beautiful. Did I tell you how much I loved you today? Give us a kiss. I love hugging you."
So important to hear. Especially if you have given up your self to raise a child, to get back your womanhood and sense of worth. Because all of a sudden it's all about the baby, and of course you love the baby, but then "where am I?" And she wants to be beautiful in your eyes. And you have to verbalize that, every day. Show her love in both physical and verbal ways. Offer to help in any way. I can't count the number of times that I've been doing daily tasks, when my husband says, "let me know if I can help in any way," and I appreciate that he says that, even if I don't need his help.
It's not about giving her anything: it's about empathy and making yourself available to help, and laying on the praise and love. That is a true gift from a male partner.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:48 PM on March 22, 2015 [28 favorites]
For what it is worth, someone once asked if my husband and I were siblings, claiming there was a family resemblance. My husband is Caucasian and I am very obviously of East Asian descent. It was downright baffling, so I would not assume this is simply a case of your wife "looking old". People can be remarkably unobservant/dumb.
posted by Diagonalize at 4:49 PM on March 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by Diagonalize at 4:49 PM on March 22, 2015 [13 favorites]
your wife might think that those gifts are you telling her that she DOES look old and she needs a makeover stat
I agree with this, but you can solve a whole lot of that just by talking actual words. Ask, listen.
A lot of women are real bad about giving up the things they actually want to do that make them feel better whenever something has to give, and new babies often mean a whole bunch of shit has to give. Is she giving up things like haircuts, pedicures, lunch with friends, other forms of her own self-care (and right now that definitely includes sleep) in order to use that time for family/baby work?
Ask her that. Figure out how to give her the time/time away from the baby/budget/whatever to do those things. If she would feel a million times better going in for a cut and color (or whatever her hair thing is), would it be easiest if you watched the baby, or if you or Sister went with her to watch the baby but be close by, or do you need to take the baby away so that she feels free to leave unfettered? Ask her what makes her feel good and help make those things possible.
(And fuck that lady at the massage place. Some people get off on being psychotically nasty to other people, and it's gross when people get their fetish on you but you can't take responsibility for it.)
posted by Lyn Never at 5:39 PM on March 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
I agree with this, but you can solve a whole lot of that just by talking actual words. Ask, listen.
A lot of women are real bad about giving up the things they actually want to do that make them feel better whenever something has to give, and new babies often mean a whole bunch of shit has to give. Is she giving up things like haircuts, pedicures, lunch with friends, other forms of her own self-care (and right now that definitely includes sleep) in order to use that time for family/baby work?
Ask her that. Figure out how to give her the time/time away from the baby/budget/whatever to do those things. If she would feel a million times better going in for a cut and color (or whatever her hair thing is), would it be easiest if you watched the baby, or if you or Sister went with her to watch the baby but be close by, or do you need to take the baby away so that she feels free to leave unfettered? Ask her what makes her feel good and help make those things possible.
(And fuck that lady at the massage place. Some people get off on being psychotically nasty to other people, and it's gross when people get their fetish on you but you can't take responsibility for it.)
posted by Lyn Never at 5:39 PM on March 22, 2015 [6 favorites]
I've been mistaken for my wife's dad (and I'm younger), and for my mom's husband. People are silly.
I like everyone who's recommended giving your wife frequent chances to sleep in and enjoy some peace. Twenty years together and three kids later, frankly, sleep is still the most valuable currency my wife and I have to trade with each other.
My wife loves "girlie time" at the salon or shopping, but I can totally see pushing things like that carrying a different message. But I agree that best way to counter the message she thinks she's hearing from the world right now is making sure she's hearing the right messages from you more often.
posted by pzarquon at 6:19 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
I like everyone who's recommended giving your wife frequent chances to sleep in and enjoy some peace. Twenty years together and three kids later, frankly, sleep is still the most valuable currency my wife and I have to trade with each other.
My wife loves "girlie time" at the salon or shopping, but I can totally see pushing things like that carrying a different message. But I agree that best way to counter the message she thinks she's hearing from the world right now is making sure she's hearing the right messages from you more often.
posted by pzarquon at 6:19 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
So, you say you have a baby face... when you got back to the car, did you take some responsibility for this one? Because it sounds like it may actually have been more about you!
My partner is 10 years older than me and we've been mistaken for mother and daughter many terrible, horrible times over the years. I'm convinced that it has nothing to do with her appearance and everything with mine. (And in fact, I get mistaken for a teenager when alone as well.) When we talk over these incidents, I always voice my opinion that it's actually my age that's being misinterpreted. Along the lines of "How young did she think I am? You clearly don't look any older than you actually are--if not younger. So do I really look 15?" It's not a total fix, and I'm sure that voicing your appreciation of your wife's looks is a great companion strategy, but definitely don't be shy to remind her that this mistake could have had more to do with your appearance than hers.
posted by snorkmaiden at 6:33 PM on March 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
My partner is 10 years older than me and we've been mistaken for mother and daughter many terrible, horrible times over the years. I'm convinced that it has nothing to do with her appearance and everything with mine. (And in fact, I get mistaken for a teenager when alone as well.) When we talk over these incidents, I always voice my opinion that it's actually my age that's being misinterpreted. Along the lines of "How young did she think I am? You clearly don't look any older than you actually are--if not younger. So do I really look 15?" It's not a total fix, and I'm sure that voicing your appreciation of your wife's looks is a great companion strategy, but definitely don't be shy to remind her that this mistake could have had more to do with your appearance than hers.
posted by snorkmaiden at 6:33 PM on March 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
As far as what you can do for her, well, there's lots of good suggestions. Sleep and getting further from the event will help more than anything. I do like snorkmaiden's suggestion to make it about you and your baby face.
But aside from telling her how beautiful she is, I would let it go. It doesn't need to become a giant Thing. Everything, absolutely everything, looks worse when you're sleep-deprived. I have had to stop an angry discussion between me and the husband and say "look, let's sleep first, then talk." And amazingly, we are both in better moods once we sleep. So find a way for her to get more sleep, then she will have more strength to put it in perspective.
posted by emjaybee at 6:41 PM on March 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
But aside from telling her how beautiful she is, I would let it go. It doesn't need to become a giant Thing. Everything, absolutely everything, looks worse when you're sleep-deprived. I have had to stop an angry discussion between me and the husband and say "look, let's sleep first, then talk." And amazingly, we are both in better moods once we sleep. So find a way for her to get more sleep, then she will have more strength to put it in perspective.
posted by emjaybee at 6:41 PM on March 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Give your wife something that demonstrates that you find her attractive.
posted by Nevin at 6:53 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Nevin at 6:53 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Okay, maybe I'm a bit deceitful, but can you arrange or hire someone to play the role of a stranger and make a comment that will counterbalance this? Have someone mistake her for being ten years younger than she is. I say this because such statements are arbitrary and fighting them in arbitrary ways is okay in my book.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:30 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:30 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
So I will tell you two quick stories and then my suggestion.
Story 1: I was 13, at the mall with my mom (40 at the time) and little brother (2, in a stroller). Some Random Dude comes up and congratulates my mom on "having a beautiful grandchild". She's giving him the evil eye as I blurt out, "Dude! I'm 13!" He walks away muttering how you see 13 year old moms on the news all the time. (Maybe, but I hope that's not what he considered normal).
Story 2: After seeing my husband and I holding hands and obviously acting like a couple at an after work event, a coworker who had been working with both of us for years asked if it was weird working together, since we were siblings. ?!?!?!!?!?!?
People be weird, yo.
I am round and middle aged and have been really feeling it lately. My husband tells me often that he finds me beautiful, usually with very specific compliments. "Your hair is so pretty". "I love the way your eyes look when you're happy." "I love how soft your skin is". And I can tell he means it - he's not just saying it. So I agree with verbalizing what you're thinking more - and definitely help her get more sleep if you can!
posted by RogueTech at 8:15 PM on March 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Story 1: I was 13, at the mall with my mom (40 at the time) and little brother (2, in a stroller). Some Random Dude comes up and congratulates my mom on "having a beautiful grandchild". She's giving him the evil eye as I blurt out, "Dude! I'm 13!" He walks away muttering how you see 13 year old moms on the news all the time. (Maybe, but I hope that's not what he considered normal).
Story 2: After seeing my husband and I holding hands and obviously acting like a couple at an after work event, a coworker who had been working with both of us for years asked if it was weird working together, since we were siblings. ?!?!?!!?!?!?
People be weird, yo.
I am round and middle aged and have been really feeling it lately. My husband tells me often that he finds me beautiful, usually with very specific compliments. "Your hair is so pretty". "I love the way your eyes look when you're happy." "I love how soft your skin is". And I can tell he means it - he's not just saying it. So I agree with verbalizing what you're thinking more - and definitely help her get more sleep if you can!
posted by RogueTech at 8:15 PM on March 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
I dunno, am I the only one who thinks this isn't a problem with your wife or with you, but with the big mouth of an unthinking person? I understand your wife is upset, but I kind of feel like trying to make it seem like something about her needs to change to prevent this is not ultimately going to be helpful in the way you want. In your shoes I'd find it more satisyfing to write to the business (and cc the owner) describing why it's a bad idea to make assumptions about customers.
It's nice that your wife got you a massage. Super thoughtful. I'm sure you do deserve it but I think she's probably got a lot of stress going on too, and rather than try to find ways to "make her feel better about herself" you could identify the strategies that will help her relieve her stress that's making her more sensitive than she might normally be: allowing her to have 'me time,' to get some great sleep (even if it means she gets a hotel room and you stay home), to spend time with some friends, to have some luxury spa-type treatments herself.
The problem isn't her.
posted by Miko at 8:20 PM on March 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
It's nice that your wife got you a massage. Super thoughtful. I'm sure you do deserve it but I think she's probably got a lot of stress going on too, and rather than try to find ways to "make her feel better about herself" you could identify the strategies that will help her relieve her stress that's making her more sensitive than she might normally be: allowing her to have 'me time,' to get some great sleep (even if it means she gets a hotel room and you stay home), to spend time with some friends, to have some luxury spa-type treatments herself.
The problem isn't her.
posted by Miko at 8:20 PM on March 22, 2015 [11 favorites]
I wonder if one of those "boudoir photography" deals could help. It's definitely not for every woman, but getting dolled up in lingerie and posing for some glamor shots could do a lot to make her feel beautiful and sexy. In my experience, few things are better for an appearance-related depression than seeing some pictures of yourself looking surprisingly foxy.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:34 PM on March 22, 2015
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:34 PM on March 22, 2015
Point out to her every time some guy is checking her out. Do so with pride of ownership. Make it up if you are a skilled bullshitter.
Whenever anyone compliments her, file it away and remind her of the compliment in an offhanded way- Ms. Brown makes the best cakes. Oh! And she has great taste because she thinks that are pretty!
Go out more with the teenager to put your family order in proper visual perspective. I get carded when I buy booze alone but, if my children are with me, not even a blink.
If she mentions the incident again, look kind of ashamed and say, "I didn't know how to bring this up at the time and I've been feeling stupid for not saying anything but that woman had hit on me earlier and I shot her down. I think she was just trying to make you feel bad because you have what she wanted."
Do date nights at home until you are ready to leave the baby. Bring home flowers, a hot meal, and a movie. Rub her feet while she eats.
posted by myselfasme at 9:37 PM on March 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Whenever anyone compliments her, file it away and remind her of the compliment in an offhanded way- Ms. Brown makes the best cakes. Oh! And she has great taste because she thinks that are pretty!
Go out more with the teenager to put your family order in proper visual perspective. I get carded when I buy booze alone but, if my children are with me, not even a blink.
If she mentions the incident again, look kind of ashamed and say, "I didn't know how to bring this up at the time and I've been feeling stupid for not saying anything but that woman had hit on me earlier and I shot her down. I think she was just trying to make you feel bad because you have what she wanted."
Do date nights at home until you are ready to leave the baby. Bring home flowers, a hot meal, and a movie. Rub her feet while she eats.
posted by myselfasme at 9:37 PM on March 22, 2015 [2 favorites]
Haircuts are key. But really right now, sleep is probably the main thing.
posted by salvia at 9:55 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 9:55 PM on March 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
This so depends on your wife's personality and on the ways you usually interact and show each other attraction!
But if she's feeling that sensitive, she probably won't believe anything you say or do to make her feel beautiful. She will correctly see this as a strategic attempt to cheer her up and not believe that you actually do find her attractive.
I'm in the "least said, soonest mended" camp and the "help her get loads of sleep" camp. This is probably something her female friends will be better at helping her with. Maybe give her parent time off to meet with friends?
Meanwhile, complain to the business that gave you a crappy experience and don't make a big deal of it after that.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
But if she's feeling that sensitive, she probably won't believe anything you say or do to make her feel beautiful. She will correctly see this as a strategic attempt to cheer her up and not believe that you actually do find her attractive.
I'm in the "least said, soonest mended" camp and the "help her get loads of sleep" camp. This is probably something her female friends will be better at helping her with. Maybe give her parent time off to meet with friends?
Meanwhile, complain to the business that gave you a crappy experience and don't make a big deal of it after that.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
However, as we were leaving, the (somewhat older) lady at reception asked if "her son" had liked the massage.
Plausibly the receptionist may have based her assumption on you both having the same surname alone - rather than anything at all to do with looks. And, as others have said, people can be myopic, unobservant or just spiteful - all reasons why you should not be concerned.
My wife is two years older than me, which she's already sensitive about. She most certainly does not look old enough to be my mom.
Can you verify this independently from a trusted source or two? I have a friend who married his childhood sweetheart at 18 and who has then gone on to age super-well. Now, in his forties, I am aware of more than one person who has mistaken his wife for his mother. I mention this to emphasise that it could be that your wife looks fine for her age - but that it is you look abnormally young. That is something that only best friends would tell you - and it might be worth asking for their honest assessment.
posted by rongorongo at 3:04 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Plausibly the receptionist may have based her assumption on you both having the same surname alone - rather than anything at all to do with looks. And, as others have said, people can be myopic, unobservant or just spiteful - all reasons why you should not be concerned.
My wife is two years older than me, which she's already sensitive about. She most certainly does not look old enough to be my mom.
Can you verify this independently from a trusted source or two? I have a friend who married his childhood sweetheart at 18 and who has then gone on to age super-well. Now, in his forties, I am aware of more than one person who has mistaken his wife for his mother. I mention this to emphasise that it could be that your wife looks fine for her age - but that it is you look abnormally young. That is something that only best friends would tell you - and it might be worth asking for their honest assessment.
posted by rongorongo at 3:04 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
My wife, being the super kind soul she is, arranged for a massage for me since she knows my new job is starting to really stress me out. She accompanied me while I got my first-ever massage at a local spa.
Actually, in addition to what I said first about the woman at the desk being addled and far-sighted, this arrangement itself might have somehow contributed to to this -- like she made the arrangements, drove you there, and waited for you. That might be an unusual enough circumstance to plant the seed of the idea and then just being generally unobservant pushed the woman forward into believing a whole story she'd told herself.
Your wife needs some sleep because in addition to everything that's been said, I suspect this would have rolled off her back a bit more as 'ridiculous' if she weren't exhausted.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:36 AM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
Actually, in addition to what I said first about the woman at the desk being addled and far-sighted, this arrangement itself might have somehow contributed to to this -- like she made the arrangements, drove you there, and waited for you. That might be an unusual enough circumstance to plant the seed of the idea and then just being generally unobservant pushed the woman forward into believing a whole story she'd told herself.
Your wife needs some sleep because in addition to everything that's been said, I suspect this would have rolled off her back a bit more as 'ridiculous' if she weren't exhausted.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:36 AM on March 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
My first husband was 6 years younger than I and once in a while I was pretty sensitive to being older, although I was much more attractive than he :) This may not work for her, but when I felt insecure about my age I was somewhat placated by reading stuff like this.
posted by waving at 3:54 AM on March 23, 2015
posted by waving at 3:54 AM on March 23, 2015
That lady was rude and socially inept. I can't even believe the shit people will say sometimes. Tell your wife some of the other incidents people here have mentioned. I think this is proof that people are really bad at telling other peoples' ages. I've gone from being carded for alcohol at the store to being asked if I was the mom of my 27-year-old boss in the space of a day, and a well-meaning older lady once told me I should go to a local "youth group" (I'm over 40) while around the same period of time, I was asked if I owned the store I worked at since apparently I looked like the oldest person there. Your wife is probably just as likely to be mistaken for younger than older than her age, just like most people, especially when she's had enough rest. And definitely make her feel beautiful as much as you can.
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 4:39 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Beethoven's Sith at 4:39 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
See, I interpreted it as a passive-aggressive swipe at you, because your wife bought the massage and waited for you as if you were her kid. Perhaps while even taking care of a newborn as you got your massage? It's not professional, but the husband-as-kid trope is pretty common, and the insult missed its target.
I wouldn't lie to her or make up stories to make her feel better (telling her the receptionist hit on you is a nice way to get the receptionist in trouble!) Let her get sleep. Tell her she's amazing. Give her time alone while you watch the baby.
posted by kimberussell at 5:13 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't lie to her or make up stories to make her feel better (telling her the receptionist hit on you is a nice way to get the receptionist in trouble!) Let her get sleep. Tell her she's amazing. Give her time alone while you watch the baby.
posted by kimberussell at 5:13 AM on March 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
As Ursula suggested, maybe a studio photograph, but of your family group, not just of her (you two and the baby and older child?). I would confidentially explain things to the photographer ahead of time, and reserve the right to review the proofs and choose, maybe on the grounds that it's a gift from you to the family.
posted by mmiddle at 6:36 AM on March 23, 2015
posted by mmiddle at 6:36 AM on March 23, 2015
Response by poster: Wow. I am floored by so many kindhearted replies! A big thank-you to everyone who chimed in. I didn't have the chance to get back to the thread last night since my wife and I spent a pretty awesome evening watching a movie and then spending some quality time by ourselves. The memory of the event is starting to fade away, but I'll still be sure to remind her at every turn how genuinely beautiful she is to me (and not only to me btw, she is quite the looker!) And I also will be writing the establishment, I still give the lady the benefit of the doubt since she seemed pretty clueless, but I will share with them the reason why my wife does not plan to ever go back.
I also appreciate the many suggestions, most of which I plan on following.
Thanks again, Mefi. This place is truly an oasis.
posted by papafrita at 6:41 AM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
I also appreciate the many suggestions, most of which I plan on following.
Thanks again, Mefi. This place is truly an oasis.
posted by papafrita at 6:41 AM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
I love to be told that I’m beautiful and young-looking. And… I kind of hate myself for loving that. It makes me feel shallow.
I also love to hear that I am intelligent, thoughtful, strong. And I love those compliments without any negative feelings.
So let her know you think she’s beautiful as she is. I hope you continue to keep thinking and saying that as she ages. But please also cultivate a habit of complimenting her on the other things you admire about her.
If you had written that someone had made your 6-year-old daughter feel unattractive, I doubt that people here would be giving you advice to tell her she is SO pretty!
(On preview I'm a little late here...)
posted by evilmomlady at 6:48 AM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
I also love to hear that I am intelligent, thoughtful, strong. And I love those compliments without any negative feelings.
So let her know you think she’s beautiful as she is. I hope you continue to keep thinking and saying that as she ages. But please also cultivate a habit of complimenting her on the other things you admire about her.
If you had written that someone had made your 6-year-old daughter feel unattractive, I doubt that people here would be giving you advice to tell her she is SO pretty!
(On preview I'm a little late here...)
posted by evilmomlady at 6:48 AM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
A Terrible Llama: "I'm five years older than my husband. I had my first and only child at 38. A janitor at our offices once assumed I was my daughter's *grandmother*. "
I too am 6 years older than my husband, and had my only child at 38. I'm 50, and I've had multiple people think I'm his grandmother...and I don't look like a grandmother. ;) It was startling the first time, but now...given that so many girls in our area seem to give birth before 20...I just shrug and move on.
As to the receptionist; I would call the manager, and tell them how badly the interaction with the front desk made the entire experience for both of you. That behavior was unprofessional, and reflected poorly on the facility, and that person is losing the business money and reputation, and the business owner deserves to know that someone at their front customer facing spot is destroying potential business.
posted by dejah420 at 6:55 AM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
I too am 6 years older than my husband, and had my only child at 38. I'm 50, and I've had multiple people think I'm his grandmother...and I don't look like a grandmother. ;) It was startling the first time, but now...given that so many girls in our area seem to give birth before 20...I just shrug and move on.
As to the receptionist; I would call the manager, and tell them how badly the interaction with the front desk made the entire experience for both of you. That behavior was unprofessional, and reflected poorly on the facility, and that person is losing the business money and reputation, and the business owner deserves to know that someone at their front customer facing spot is destroying potential business.
posted by dejah420 at 6:55 AM on March 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Great that you write the place. There's simply no reason to comment on people's appearances in a client-facing context like that. It's unprofessional and objectifying ("you are what I say you are").
Want another example? Several years ago I was visiting my home state and walking through a massage therapy expo (yep heh), as a couple family members are in the business. At the time, I was on the last legs of contact with my family, and had gone to the expo with both parents. Mother was elsewhere; father and I roamed together. A woman who knows my parents approached my father and I and said, "Oh, wow, your new girlfriend looks so much like your ex-wife!"
Stating the truth made for a pretty quick and effective lesson in why that sort of assumption is pointless. She nearly fainted. Especially when my mother approached, waving at her with a grin (she hadn't heard the comment).
posted by fraula at 9:20 AM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Want another example? Several years ago I was visiting my home state and walking through a massage therapy expo (yep heh), as a couple family members are in the business. At the time, I was on the last legs of contact with my family, and had gone to the expo with both parents. Mother was elsewhere; father and I roamed together. A woman who knows my parents approached my father and I and said, "Oh, wow, your new girlfriend looks so much like your ex-wife!"
Stating the truth made for a pretty quick and effective lesson in why that sort of assumption is pointless. She nearly fainted. Especially when my mother approached, waving at her with a grin (she hadn't heard the comment).
posted by fraula at 9:20 AM on March 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think this sort of thing can be very tricky. It's difficult to affirm that your wife is attractive without also overvaluing the importance of youth and appearance, especially for women. I'd actually lean toward you guys just doing fun things together, particularly something that she enjoyed when she was younger, pre-baby and other responsibilities. Reaffirm her feeling young, not looking it. I've known a lot of women who took middle age especially hard just because people were constantly reinforcing that they were so pretty and young, so once they started to age normally, it would do them in and really mess with their self worth.
And just in case this story helps at all: When I was in my mid twenties, one morning on the way to work I had a convenience store owner try to shoo me out of his shop for being a good for nothing teenager, and a mere couple of hours later, some guy asked me what my (then maybe four year old) son did for a living. Either I had an epically rough morning, or people's perceptions can be almost random sometimes.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:57 AM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
And just in case this story helps at all: When I was in my mid twenties, one morning on the way to work I had a convenience store owner try to shoo me out of his shop for being a good for nothing teenager, and a mere couple of hours later, some guy asked me what my (then maybe four year old) son did for a living. Either I had an epically rough morning, or people's perceptions can be almost random sometimes.
posted by ernielundquist at 9:57 AM on March 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Speaking as a very visual person (naturally, I'm a photographer), people don't really take the time to "look" or "see." Perhaps it's all part of our instantaneous world or perhaps it's because we are all overwhelmed and going about our day on "instruments."
(BTW, as a corollary, people today are not very curious either.)
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 10:25 AM on March 23, 2015
(BTW, as a corollary, people today are not very curious either.)
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 10:25 AM on March 23, 2015
The lady is a dope. You don't comment on the relationship people have to each other if you don't know what it is, for any NUMBER of reasons. This is 100 percent an error on the part of the person who made the comment, and had she immediately displayed mortification and apology and head-slapping realization that she had lost her BLOOMING MIND for a moment, I'd be sympathetic to it as the kind of thing that we all hope will never happen to us because our filters will not all simultaneously collapse at 25 different levels.
Now. In an ideal world, I think your wife would not mind. She would say, "So what? This could be about my husband being young-looking rather than me being old-looking, and who cares what dummies think anyway?" But we live in a world in which women do come in for a lot of hassle about how old they look. Even the fact that you feel obligated to assure us that your wife does not in fact look old is a reflection of the fact that there's an expectation that to look old is something to be slightly embarrassed about (after all, the lady should not comment upon it whether your wife looks older than you are or not), which is why I would encourage you to respond to this, as much as possible, with no regard whatsoever for whether she does or does not look old.
One day, she will look old. One day before she looks old, she will look older. You want her to know, I think, that all of this is fine. That you are not peeping at her every day to reassure her that she still looks young, or younger than she is, or younger than you, or no older than you. She may look, to the average person, older than you are. She may even look significantly older than you are. She may look older than she is. (And some people are WILDLY TERRIBLE at guessing ages based on appearance and always will be: I am in my mid-40s and recently had a sighted human who has met me guess my age at 31 or 32. I assure you that most people do not estimate my age thusly.)
Pay her lots of compliments. It's natural for people to want to know that you like looking at them. It's okay for her to want to know that when you look at her, you think she's beautiful, neither because of or in spite of how old or young she looks, but because she's beautiful to you. (Is what I think.) I would stay away from beauty treatments or spa days or anything that might feed her sense that she needs sprucing up. Spa days are for relaxation and pampering, and I fear that right now, she would feel like you were sending her off to be polished like a pair of shoes (even though I know that isn't what you intend).
I would stay, as much as you can, out of the business of what your wife decides to do or not do about her looks, unless it's to encourage her to do what makes her happy while assuring her that you are happy because she is herself. If she looks a little tired, she can get a little more sleep, of course -- or treat herself to a haircut or whatever she wants. (My mom used to always say that she knew she needed a haircut when people started saying she looked tired.) But I think the key here is to make it clear that you don't see this lady -- this one lady, out of the millions of people who have seen you together -- thinking she's your mother as anything that needs addressing unless she cares.
You clearly have your heart in the entirely right place and your wife's best interests at the front of your mind. Don't take steps to try to fix her bad feelings about her looks, because it will seem like you're trying to fix her looks. Just love her up a whole lot, and hopefully this will pass.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 2:19 PM on March 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
Now. In an ideal world, I think your wife would not mind. She would say, "So what? This could be about my husband being young-looking rather than me being old-looking, and who cares what dummies think anyway?" But we live in a world in which women do come in for a lot of hassle about how old they look. Even the fact that you feel obligated to assure us that your wife does not in fact look old is a reflection of the fact that there's an expectation that to look old is something to be slightly embarrassed about (after all, the lady should not comment upon it whether your wife looks older than you are or not), which is why I would encourage you to respond to this, as much as possible, with no regard whatsoever for whether she does or does not look old.
One day, she will look old. One day before she looks old, she will look older. You want her to know, I think, that all of this is fine. That you are not peeping at her every day to reassure her that she still looks young, or younger than she is, or younger than you, or no older than you. She may look, to the average person, older than you are. She may even look significantly older than you are. She may look older than she is. (And some people are WILDLY TERRIBLE at guessing ages based on appearance and always will be: I am in my mid-40s and recently had a sighted human who has met me guess my age at 31 or 32. I assure you that most people do not estimate my age thusly.)
Pay her lots of compliments. It's natural for people to want to know that you like looking at them. It's okay for her to want to know that when you look at her, you think she's beautiful, neither because of or in spite of how old or young she looks, but because she's beautiful to you. (Is what I think.) I would stay away from beauty treatments or spa days or anything that might feed her sense that she needs sprucing up. Spa days are for relaxation and pampering, and I fear that right now, she would feel like you were sending her off to be polished like a pair of shoes (even though I know that isn't what you intend).
I would stay, as much as you can, out of the business of what your wife decides to do or not do about her looks, unless it's to encourage her to do what makes her happy while assuring her that you are happy because she is herself. If she looks a little tired, she can get a little more sleep, of course -- or treat herself to a haircut or whatever she wants. (My mom used to always say that she knew she needed a haircut when people started saying she looked tired.) But I think the key here is to make it clear that you don't see this lady -- this one lady, out of the millions of people who have seen you together -- thinking she's your mother as anything that needs addressing unless she cares.
You clearly have your heart in the entirely right place and your wife's best interests at the front of your mind. Don't take steps to try to fix her bad feelings about her looks, because it will seem like you're trying to fix her looks. Just love her up a whole lot, and hopefully this will pass.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 2:19 PM on March 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm five years older than my husband. I had my first and only child at 38. A janitor at our offices once assumed I was my daughter's *grandmother*.
People say dumb things and this woman was batshit. Two years is literally nothing. This was a mistake that touched a nerve.
Let her get a good night's sleep a few nights in a row and hire a baby sitter and go out for dinner. She'll feel five years younger.
And again: NO WAY is two years a big deal.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:00 PM on March 22, 2015 [56 favorites]