How did you stop bedsharing with your baby?
March 11, 2015 10:18 AM Subscribe
I am bedsharing with my 6-month-old. I have a plan to end this in a few months, but I'd love some guidance from those who've done it themselves.
We did not start out bedsharing. Babby slept in his swing in our bedroom, and for the first 3.5 months he slept really well. He would sleep 6-7 hours without waking or eating. It was amazing. I thought we were such great parents! Then the 4-month sleep regression hit, with multiple night feedings and reverse-cycling. I am breastfeeding and the baby is reluctant to take a bottle at home. We were bedsharing more and more, but I spent January in a fog of sleep deprivation. I kept thinking the regression was a phase that would pass, like the books said.
Finally, at the end of January, I realized it was not a phase. And, of course, it was too early for sleep training. I just had to get more sleep, so I decided to salvage as much sleep as possible in the short term. We moved the baby into his own room (still in the swing), and I moved in there, too, setting up a mattress on the floor. I didn't intend to sleep in there full-time, but almost immediately I was. With more space to spread out and following safe bedsharing guidelines, I barely have to wake to feed him, and I can doze while he eats, and I don't worry about him rolling off the bed. My sleep improved dramatically and I am again a functional adult. I also find that I love bedsharing with the baby; cuddling with him and hearing him breathe soothes me and brings me great satisfaction, even though I do miss and want to return to the bed with my husband.
Currently, he falls asleep while or just after nursing at 6:30 PM, and then I move him to his crib (he transitioned out of the swing a couple of weeks ago), where he sleeps well until about 10 PM, when he wakes for his first night feeding. That is my bedtime, so I bring him to bed with me at that point and he stays with me. There are usually another 3 feedings overnight before we get up at 6:00 AM.
I know sleep training is on the horizon, and that it is probably the answer to getting him to stay in his crib overnight and reduce/eliminate the night feedings. We've already had some success with sleep training- he was starting to wake more and more in the time between his bedtime and my bedtime, so we tried doing "the pause" (waiting up to 10 minutes to see if he would settle himself back down, all while we watched on the video monitor to ensure his safety), and that worked really well- he stopped doing those early wakings and now sleeps until about 10PM.
So I am hopeful that sleep training will go okay, but I am just not ready to do it yet! I feel like there will be a better, more natural transition point sometime in the future, and this seems too early for me. (Not that it's too early for other people, just that it's too early for me.) There is supposed to be another sleep regression at the 8-9 month mark, and waiting until after that makes more sense to me. That will also be early summer, when I am guessing that my sweaty little furnace of a baby will be less inclined to cuddle up with me. And he'll be eating solid food regularly then, so the night feedings will be less necessary. Blah blah blah, lots of reasons.
Of course, it always feels like it will just be easier to do it later, that it will go better and more naturally at that later point. Sometimes that's the case (it was a fairly natural transition from the swing to the crib, even though I worried about that for months), and sometimes not. Having a plan feels all well and good, but I have already learned to be wary of making plans as a parent, because babies don't go according to plan. I certainly did not plan to be sleeping in the baby's room at 6 months! But I do want to be back in the bedroom with my husband, and I do want the baby to eventually sleep on his own in his room. I am just worried about best laid plans and possible pitfalls that I don't know about yet (if it's not clear already that I'm a first-time mom).
I'd love to hear about your transition away from bedsharing with your baby. How old was your baby, and what prompted you to stop, and how did you make the transition happen? What are the likely pitfalls in my plan to stop in a few months?
We did not start out bedsharing. Babby slept in his swing in our bedroom, and for the first 3.5 months he slept really well. He would sleep 6-7 hours without waking or eating. It was amazing. I thought we were such great parents! Then the 4-month sleep regression hit, with multiple night feedings and reverse-cycling. I am breastfeeding and the baby is reluctant to take a bottle at home. We were bedsharing more and more, but I spent January in a fog of sleep deprivation. I kept thinking the regression was a phase that would pass, like the books said.
Finally, at the end of January, I realized it was not a phase. And, of course, it was too early for sleep training. I just had to get more sleep, so I decided to salvage as much sleep as possible in the short term. We moved the baby into his own room (still in the swing), and I moved in there, too, setting up a mattress on the floor. I didn't intend to sleep in there full-time, but almost immediately I was. With more space to spread out and following safe bedsharing guidelines, I barely have to wake to feed him, and I can doze while he eats, and I don't worry about him rolling off the bed. My sleep improved dramatically and I am again a functional adult. I also find that I love bedsharing with the baby; cuddling with him and hearing him breathe soothes me and brings me great satisfaction, even though I do miss and want to return to the bed with my husband.
Currently, he falls asleep while or just after nursing at 6:30 PM, and then I move him to his crib (he transitioned out of the swing a couple of weeks ago), where he sleeps well until about 10 PM, when he wakes for his first night feeding. That is my bedtime, so I bring him to bed with me at that point and he stays with me. There are usually another 3 feedings overnight before we get up at 6:00 AM.
I know sleep training is on the horizon, and that it is probably the answer to getting him to stay in his crib overnight and reduce/eliminate the night feedings. We've already had some success with sleep training- he was starting to wake more and more in the time between his bedtime and my bedtime, so we tried doing "the pause" (waiting up to 10 minutes to see if he would settle himself back down, all while we watched on the video monitor to ensure his safety), and that worked really well- he stopped doing those early wakings and now sleeps until about 10PM.
So I am hopeful that sleep training will go okay, but I am just not ready to do it yet! I feel like there will be a better, more natural transition point sometime in the future, and this seems too early for me. (Not that it's too early for other people, just that it's too early for me.) There is supposed to be another sleep regression at the 8-9 month mark, and waiting until after that makes more sense to me. That will also be early summer, when I am guessing that my sweaty little furnace of a baby will be less inclined to cuddle up with me. And he'll be eating solid food regularly then, so the night feedings will be less necessary. Blah blah blah, lots of reasons.
Of course, it always feels like it will just be easier to do it later, that it will go better and more naturally at that later point. Sometimes that's the case (it was a fairly natural transition from the swing to the crib, even though I worried about that for months), and sometimes not. Having a plan feels all well and good, but I have already learned to be wary of making plans as a parent, because babies don't go according to plan. I certainly did not plan to be sleeping in the baby's room at 6 months! But I do want to be back in the bedroom with my husband, and I do want the baby to eventually sleep on his own in his room. I am just worried about best laid plans and possible pitfalls that I don't know about yet (if it's not clear already that I'm a first-time mom).
I'd love to hear about your transition away from bedsharing with your baby. How old was your baby, and what prompted you to stop, and how did you make the transition happen? What are the likely pitfalls in my plan to stop in a few months?
This Parents.com page says that it's OK to sleep train at 6-8 months, while Babycenter.com says "somewhere between 4 and 6 months, experts say, most babies are ready for sleep training and are capable of sleeping through the night for a stretch of 8 to 12 hours." Baby Sleep Site sides with Babycenter, and focuses on "the 4-7 month window" as the time when
1) agree with your husband on what to do, because when you're both tired, one of you may bend before the other, and cause conflict between the two of you, and undermine your efforts at sleep training;
2) stick with something for a few nights, up to a week, because nothing will be an instant fix;
3) don't be dissuaded by a first failed effort, and try a different effort or pattern.
There might be some tense, trying nights, but realize that as with everything in your baby's life, this too shall pass, and once it does, you can all sleep through the night, and that is wonderful. We have a second little fellow now, and I forgot how nice it is to sleep through the night.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:36 AM on March 11, 2015
your baby is past the 4 month sleep regression, so she’s starting to develop more “adult” sleep patterns. Your baby is also much less mobile at this stage than she’ll be in a few more months, and that lack of mobility makes sleep training a bit easier. Finally, because your baby is still quite young at this point, any sleep associations she may have formed won’t have had time to turn into strong habits.We did everything but proper sleep training early on, instead relied on rocking and singing our first one to sleep, and played an instrumental lullaby CD on repeat. We ended up having to do a modified cry-it-out, and that was no fun for anyone. He's now 3.5 years old, and while bed times are usually pretty smooth, some nap times still result in a few tears when he's in full nap-fighter mode. From our experience, my advice is to
1) agree with your husband on what to do, because when you're both tired, one of you may bend before the other, and cause conflict between the two of you, and undermine your efforts at sleep training;
2) stick with something for a few nights, up to a week, because nothing will be an instant fix;
3) don't be dissuaded by a first failed effort, and try a different effort or pattern.
There might be some tense, trying nights, but realize that as with everything in your baby's life, this too shall pass, and once it does, you can all sleep through the night, and that is wonderful. We have a second little fellow now, and I forgot how nice it is to sleep through the night.
posted by filthy light thief at 10:36 AM on March 11, 2015
Sleep Easy Solution says its okay to sleep train at 4mos/14lbs, so at this point its not too early. (Protip: If you decide to go with Sleep Easy, get the dvd from your library or a friend - its tough for sleep deprived parents to read the whole book and make sense of it). The first 3 days or so were rough on the whole family, but we got through it. It was a good two weeks before he would go down easily.
As far as night feedings go, I don't remember my LO having 4 feedings between 10pm and 6am, it was more like 2 feedings around midnight and 3-4am (we sleep-trained at 6mos); maybe someone else can chime in with more help on that issue.
posted by vignettist at 11:03 AM on March 11, 2015
As far as night feedings go, I don't remember my LO having 4 feedings between 10pm and 6am, it was more like 2 feedings around midnight and 3-4am (we sleep-trained at 6mos); maybe someone else can chime in with more help on that issue.
posted by vignettist at 11:03 AM on March 11, 2015
I have a 5 month old who sleeps in a co-sleeper next to us. We were waking 3x a night for feeding, which isn't too bad, but enough to disrupt our sleep and make us grumpy sleep-deprived parents. I was chatting with other moms (with slightly older kids) and they suggested settling baby back down, but not feeding. I was certain this would not work - but it TOTALLY did. So now, when baby wakes the first time, we do a diaper change, add an extra layer (we have a little bunny suit for warmth) and rest a hand on him to settle him down - we also use the pacifier liberally. He goes down the first time he wakes up and now has not been waking the rest of the night. We feed him when he gets up in the AM right away - but he now makes it the whole night without a feeding. We are going to move him to the next room in the coming weeks.
Obviously every baby is different (we have a particularly mellow guy) - but just know it's possible, and if you go in with a plan and feel comfortable with it, baby will probably follow suit. (Hopefully!)
posted by Toddles at 11:27 AM on March 11, 2015
Obviously every baby is different (we have a particularly mellow guy) - but just know it's possible, and if you go in with a plan and feel comfortable with it, baby will probably follow suit. (Hopefully!)
posted by Toddles at 11:27 AM on March 11, 2015
I still co-sleep with my 19mo. After 1 year, he woke a lot less often in the middle of the night, so I was able to convince my husband to make it a family bed for all 3 of us around that time. Baby snuggles are pretty sweet.
Just letting you know that co-sleeping past 6 months isn't all bad. :)
posted by jillithd at 11:48 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Just letting you know that co-sleeping past 6 months isn't all bad. :)
posted by jillithd at 11:48 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
We had to sleep train twice due to a disruptive vacation and ear infection at around 1 year. The first time we tried (around 8 months), we did the Ferber method. It took forever and was very stressful for the entire household, but was a relief when the baby finally started sleeping in his own crib and stopped nursing at night. Then, everything backfired and we ended up with a family bed all over again. It was actually kind of nice cuddling all night with him, but we had a really difficult time getting ready in the morning. We waited until about 14 months and this time did the cold turkey cry it out method. It was horrible the first night - the little guy cried for almost 1.5 hours. The next night it was 30 minutes. The next night 5. And now (at 18 months) there are a couple pitiful whines of mama before the snoring starts.
posted by galvanized unicorn at 12:13 PM on March 11, 2015
posted by galvanized unicorn at 12:13 PM on March 11, 2015
We started bedsharing when our daughter was about 12 months. It had continued until she was about 2. My husband and I are fundamentally opposed to "sleep training" method. When she started developing language we have started explaining that small bed is where she sleeps, and big bed is where we sleep. We made sure she knew we are near and stayed with her by her bed as she was falling asleep when she seemed to struggle falling asleep by herself. Over time, she needed our presence less and less and now she firmly knows to sleep in her bed and we haven't had any issues.
I guess my point is, understand what you're comfortable with and how long you are prepared for transition to take place. In our case, we were prepared to take as long as needed for her to be comfortable to be by herself. It may or may not be an option for you. Best of luck.
posted by mooselini at 1:14 PM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I guess my point is, understand what you're comfortable with and how long you are prepared for transition to take place. In our case, we were prepared to take as long as needed for her to be comfortable to be by herself. It may or may not be an option for you. Best of luck.
posted by mooselini at 1:14 PM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Basically, when it stops working for you, you stop doing it. Either because you have made a calm rational decision or because YOU HAVE HIT THE WALL AND YOU CANNOT TAKE THIS FOR ONE MORE DAY. ;) And then you do some form of sleep training - either extinction or intermittent check-ins or a gentler more prolonged method if you prefer. For our babies I've been ok with cry-based sleep training, because they always wake up so cheerful and happy in the morning.
Now that our baby is a big robust toddler, she doesn't need to be in a separate bed with me. She currently sleeps in her crib til midnight or 1am, then wakes up and comes to occupy the space between my husband and I. At some point I'm going to want her to knock this off, but given all the recent health scares I'm inclined to just let her in with us. It does make it rather inconvenient when he's out of town, though, since we really need that human bumper to keep her safely in bed. The wall of pillows doesn't really cut it anymore.
posted by telepanda at 1:44 PM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Now that our baby is a big robust toddler, she doesn't need to be in a separate bed with me. She currently sleeps in her crib til midnight or 1am, then wakes up and comes to occupy the space between my husband and I. At some point I'm going to want her to knock this off, but given all the recent health scares I'm inclined to just let her in with us. It does make it rather inconvenient when he's out of town, though, since we really need that human bumper to keep her safely in bed. The wall of pillows doesn't really cut it anymore.
posted by telepanda at 1:44 PM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
We did "extinction" method of sleep training (Weissbluth) with each of our kids at around 5 months. After birth, they were sleeping in the cosleeper next to me. I think maybe at 8-10 weeks I moved them to a crib. I would put them down maybe at 7 or 8pm, I would top them off with a "dream feed" at 10 or 11pm when I'd go to bed, and then they'd sleep through the night on their own. Then (probably the 4 mo sleep regression) it seemed like they were waking up all the %$#!@!! time, and I was working full time and losing my mind. So, sleep training. Horrible few nights, then relative peacefulness ongoing.
It was easier with my older, easygoing daughter than with my needy, intense younger son. He would "sleep through the night" (did you know that waking at 5am still counts as "through the night?"). When he would wake before dawn, I would nurse him and cuddle him in the dark, but he wouldn't really be asleep--he would be wiggly and vocal until maybe 9am when I was fully awake and unable to sleep, and then he would pass out for a 2.5 hour morning nap. Not that I'm resentful at all 4 years later!!!
Good luck. The best advice I can give you is to find a sleep method that works for everyone in the family, but especially for the adults who need enough sleep to properly care for children, earn a living, etc.
posted by tk at 7:10 PM on March 11, 2015
It was easier with my older, easygoing daughter than with my needy, intense younger son. He would "sleep through the night" (did you know that waking at 5am still counts as "through the night?"). When he would wake before dawn, I would nurse him and cuddle him in the dark, but he wouldn't really be asleep--he would be wiggly and vocal until maybe 9am when I was fully awake and unable to sleep, and then he would pass out for a 2.5 hour morning nap. Not that I'm resentful at all 4 years later!!!
Good luck. The best advice I can give you is to find a sleep method that works for everyone in the family, but especially for the adults who need enough sleep to properly care for children, earn a living, etc.
posted by tk at 7:10 PM on March 11, 2015
Response by poster: An update on our situation, 3 months later:
Babby is now 9.5 months. Co-sleeping stopped working for him in mid-May (when the weather warmed up- he was too hot), though I continued to sleep on the mattress on his floor for the convenience, since he didn't drop the night feedings.
About that same time, bedtime was dragging out, so we decided to try a modified sleep training ("parental presence") where we put him in his crib but remained in the room. We did this for 3-4 weeks. It was really rough. I think the inconsistency was hard for Babby (were we looking or not looking at him? talking/not talking? touching/not touching? etc etc). My husband was better at it than I was. My heart broke every night while he cried for me to pick him up and I wasn't supposed to do it. We did see a little success in the first week, but then Babby started dragging that out longer, too. I couldn't imagine that the extinction method would be harder, so we finally just decided to do that: cuddly bedtime routine, lots of kisses and hugs, and then we put him down and closed the door behind us. The first night, I swear the baby whimpered for one second and then just fell asleep on his own. Since then, there have been nights where he's wailed and gnashed his teeth for awhile (30 minutes max on the worst nights) , but mostly he's out like a light after 5 minutes, sometimes with no fussing. But my ability to weather the cries has grown much stronger because I'm not actually in the room with him, letting those cries break me apart. My husband thinks the "parental presence" weeks were an important transition, but I am skeptical and believe that we should have done extinction right away.
Extinction sleep training for bedtime did not mean that he magically slept through the night. He still woke for night feedings. He would wake for the first one at 9:30 or 10:00, and then there were 2-3 more overnight. I was still on the mattress on the floor in his room. I was confident that there was an end in sight, but I was having trouble visualizing how to move back into the adult bedroom while still managing those overnight meals.
Turns out that sleeping in the same room with him was clearly linked to the continued overnight feedings!
We visited family for a few days in early June, and the baby slept in a separate room as a test. Almost immediately, he started pushing back that first feeding later and later until the last night when he only woke once overnight! On our return home, I moved back into the adult bedroom and he didn't pick up any of those missed overnight meals. Two nights later, he slept 10 hours straight without a feeding. Magical!
That was only a week ago, and he's been inconsistent since then, but it's all progress at this point. It's clear we are not far from having a baby who sleeps 11 hours without waking, even to eat, and then I will just have the wonderful problem of wishing he'd sleep a little later in the morning. That's an ok problem to have!
This was only my experience, and I have no belief that it will work for anyone else or any of my own future children. My experience with my baby is that he is often ready to level up before I am ready for him to do it. That sometimes it seems that I am the one holding him back. If I'd moved out of his room earlier, I think he would have dropped those night feedings earlier. But it's ok. It's the first time in 9.5 months that I don't have a 10pm curfew. My husband and I went to see a concert in a nearby city on Monday night, a thing that felt inconceivable when we bought the tickets in March. I feel like this was a tremendous success.
Good luck to anyone else struggling with this. I hope you find what works for you.
posted by aabbbiee at 9:33 AM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
Babby is now 9.5 months. Co-sleeping stopped working for him in mid-May (when the weather warmed up- he was too hot), though I continued to sleep on the mattress on his floor for the convenience, since he didn't drop the night feedings.
About that same time, bedtime was dragging out, so we decided to try a modified sleep training ("parental presence") where we put him in his crib but remained in the room. We did this for 3-4 weeks. It was really rough. I think the inconsistency was hard for Babby (were we looking or not looking at him? talking/not talking? touching/not touching? etc etc). My husband was better at it than I was. My heart broke every night while he cried for me to pick him up and I wasn't supposed to do it. We did see a little success in the first week, but then Babby started dragging that out longer, too. I couldn't imagine that the extinction method would be harder, so we finally just decided to do that: cuddly bedtime routine, lots of kisses and hugs, and then we put him down and closed the door behind us. The first night, I swear the baby whimpered for one second and then just fell asleep on his own. Since then, there have been nights where he's wailed and gnashed his teeth for awhile (30 minutes max on the worst nights) , but mostly he's out like a light after 5 minutes, sometimes with no fussing. But my ability to weather the cries has grown much stronger because I'm not actually in the room with him, letting those cries break me apart. My husband thinks the "parental presence" weeks were an important transition, but I am skeptical and believe that we should have done extinction right away.
Extinction sleep training for bedtime did not mean that he magically slept through the night. He still woke for night feedings. He would wake for the first one at 9:30 or 10:00, and then there were 2-3 more overnight. I was still on the mattress on the floor in his room. I was confident that there was an end in sight, but I was having trouble visualizing how to move back into the adult bedroom while still managing those overnight meals.
Turns out that sleeping in the same room with him was clearly linked to the continued overnight feedings!
We visited family for a few days in early June, and the baby slept in a separate room as a test. Almost immediately, he started pushing back that first feeding later and later until the last night when he only woke once overnight! On our return home, I moved back into the adult bedroom and he didn't pick up any of those missed overnight meals. Two nights later, he slept 10 hours straight without a feeding. Magical!
That was only a week ago, and he's been inconsistent since then, but it's all progress at this point. It's clear we are not far from having a baby who sleeps 11 hours without waking, even to eat, and then I will just have the wonderful problem of wishing he'd sleep a little later in the morning. That's an ok problem to have!
This was only my experience, and I have no belief that it will work for anyone else or any of my own future children. My experience with my baby is that he is often ready to level up before I am ready for him to do it. That sometimes it seems that I am the one holding him back. If I'd moved out of his room earlier, I think he would have dropped those night feedings earlier. But it's ok. It's the first time in 9.5 months that I don't have a 10pm curfew. My husband and I went to see a concert in a nearby city on Monday night, a thing that felt inconceivable when we bought the tickets in March. I feel like this was a tremendous success.
Good luck to anyone else struggling with this. I hope you find what works for you.
posted by aabbbiee at 9:33 AM on June 18, 2015 [1 favorite]
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posted by rabbitrabbit at 10:30 AM on March 11, 2015