[nsfw] Help me keep my boat out at sea when there's motion in the ocean.
January 23, 2015 1:46 PM Subscribe
I'm a dude getting distracted during sex. What's going on and how do I "fix" this?
I'm 27/male, partner is 25/female and we're in a loving, monogamous relationship of 8 months. I'm in pretty good health, being somewhat athletic.
We both enjoy sex and pleasuring each other is really important to our own satisfaction and orgasms are not necessary for good times, though welcomed. Staying hard has been an issue off and on. Sometimes I can last from 1-3 hours, but lately I tend to get more and more distracted during sex and will last much shorter, sometimes with not climaxing, just puttering out because my mind will wander- music with words are a no-go, apartment-dwelling neighbor noises become noticeable and I will visualize the most random thoughts (last night was woolly mammoths with tusks and slubby-textured arm chairs) or ruminate over things I see/have lived through.
This has of happened with all previous girls I've been with, to varying degrees.
Please don't suggest booze. I know it works swimmingly. While I am capable of enjoying a glass or two beforehand without much consequence now, I used to sneak drinks here and there during workdays and weekends to drink myself tipsy and beyond as the day progressed. That was several months ago; I told my SO what was happening without her prompting (unnoticed to her), attended an AA meeting, took myself out of the environment and am now doing great despite the cravings- not 100% sober, not excessive, and I don't spend any time wishing I wasn't drinking like I used to.
So, what do?
I'm 27/male, partner is 25/female and we're in a loving, monogamous relationship of 8 months. I'm in pretty good health, being somewhat athletic.
We both enjoy sex and pleasuring each other is really important to our own satisfaction and orgasms are not necessary for good times, though welcomed. Staying hard has been an issue off and on. Sometimes I can last from 1-3 hours, but lately I tend to get more and more distracted during sex and will last much shorter, sometimes with not climaxing, just puttering out because my mind will wander- music with words are a no-go, apartment-dwelling neighbor noises become noticeable and I will visualize the most random thoughts (last night was woolly mammoths with tusks and slubby-textured arm chairs) or ruminate over things I see/have lived through.
This has of happened with all previous girls I've been with, to varying degrees.
Please don't suggest booze. I know it works swimmingly. While I am capable of enjoying a glass or two beforehand without much consequence now, I used to sneak drinks here and there during workdays and weekends to drink myself tipsy and beyond as the day progressed. That was several months ago; I told my SO what was happening without her prompting (unnoticed to her), attended an AA meeting, took myself out of the environment and am now doing great despite the cravings- not 100% sober, not excessive, and I don't spend any time wishing I wasn't drinking like I used to.
So, what do?
Response by poster: I promise I'm not embellishing the facts. This has been the trend with current partner and 1 previously.
More than half the time it's over 45 minutes and closer to 1.5 hours. 2-3 hours is on the high end and really memorable because I have to check the microwave as I get us water.
Now I'm struggling to stay hard for 10-20 minutes at a time, with or without climax. That razor sharp horniness is just beyond reach behind talking plants in my mind.
posted by Giggilituffin at 2:18 PM on January 23, 2015
More than half the time it's over 45 minutes and closer to 1.5 hours. 2-3 hours is on the high end and really memorable because I have to check the microwave as I get us water.
Now I'm struggling to stay hard for 10-20 minutes at a time, with or without climax. That razor sharp horniness is just beyond reach behind talking plants in my mind.
posted by Giggilituffin at 2:18 PM on January 23, 2015
Best answer: This actually sounds kind a normal "we're settling into something comfortable after 8 months" phase that's been amplified by some "whoa shit I used to be able to stay hard for way longer OMIGOD WHAT'S GOING ON" anxiety. You know? Maybe the first time it happened, you weren't expecting it to happen, and it freaked you out and that just made you self-conscious about it, and that just made it more likely to happen the next time, and then the next, and the next, and the next, and...
It's okay. Human beings are actually not wired to be all SUPER FANTASTIC INEXHAUSTIBLE LOVE GODS for their entire relationships, you know? That's just one phase of a relationship. You're starting to get into another phase - one that's about the more deeper interpersonal emotional stuff. Which, I promise you, can be really kind of awesome - this is when you get to find out that not only are you capable of "razor sharp horniness" but you can also be the kind of boyfriend that knows exactly the most perfect way to encourage her to do some awesome stuff at work. (And it goes both ways - this is where you learn that she is capable of knowing the most perfect thing to say after you've had a fight with that crazy uncle that you sometimes have a complicated relationship with, or whatever.)
I bet you're just kind of psyching yourself out right now because you're used to "constant horny" and you just maybe haven't gotten to this stage yet, so you feel like something's broken and it's freaking you out and that's giving you performance anxiety. So just....chill. Take the pressure off yourself TO be this amazingly constant sex god. If it happens, great; if not, just...relax. Try to NOT come and focus on making her come (and you can use more than your dick for that, right?) and let whatever happens, happen.
I'll leave you with something I heard Sting say recently; he was on Inside the Actors Studio, and they asked him about that silly "tantric sex for eight hours" meme. And he rolled his eyes a little, but then talked about how yeah, okay, everyone gets all caught up in that kind of thing, and he agreed that sex is a good way to connect with your partner. But then he said, "I was always counting the dinner and the movie first as part of the sex, so yeah, that's eight hours." You know? Sex isn't just about how long you can stay hard, it's also how you and your partner feel about each other when you're not in bed. And now is when you can start exploring that.
You're fine. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:37 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's okay. Human beings are actually not wired to be all SUPER FANTASTIC INEXHAUSTIBLE LOVE GODS for their entire relationships, you know? That's just one phase of a relationship. You're starting to get into another phase - one that's about the more deeper interpersonal emotional stuff. Which, I promise you, can be really kind of awesome - this is when you get to find out that not only are you capable of "razor sharp horniness" but you can also be the kind of boyfriend that knows exactly the most perfect way to encourage her to do some awesome stuff at work. (And it goes both ways - this is where you learn that she is capable of knowing the most perfect thing to say after you've had a fight with that crazy uncle that you sometimes have a complicated relationship with, or whatever.)
I bet you're just kind of psyching yourself out right now because you're used to "constant horny" and you just maybe haven't gotten to this stage yet, so you feel like something's broken and it's freaking you out and that's giving you performance anxiety. So just....chill. Take the pressure off yourself TO be this amazingly constant sex god. If it happens, great; if not, just...relax. Try to NOT come and focus on making her come (and you can use more than your dick for that, right?) and let whatever happens, happen.
I'll leave you with something I heard Sting say recently; he was on Inside the Actors Studio, and they asked him about that silly "tantric sex for eight hours" meme. And he rolled his eyes a little, but then talked about how yeah, okay, everyone gets all caught up in that kind of thing, and he agreed that sex is a good way to connect with your partner. But then he said, "I was always counting the dinner and the movie first as part of the sex, so yeah, that's eight hours." You know? Sex isn't just about how long you can stay hard, it's also how you and your partner feel about each other when you're not in bed. And now is when you can start exploring that.
You're fine. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:37 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Did you maybe, in your youthful days, train yourself to distract yourself so that things didn't, er, come to an abrupt and premature end? And now that distraction has become kind of a habit?
If not, I'd say it's probably a combination of what EC mentioned above, plus dude, you're 27, which is not ancient but you aren't in high school anymore. This shit happens to pretty much everyone as sex-havin' adults; we have a lot going on in our lives and brains and frankly, it can be tough to snap out of it and be in the moment.
In both cases the solution is similar: start practicing mindfulness in the sack, and start thinking of larger swaths of your relationship interactions as brain-foreplay. But don't beat yourself up if you can't stay hard for 3 hours at a go that much anymore--that sort of thing really is largely a VERY young man's game.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:45 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
If not, I'd say it's probably a combination of what EC mentioned above, plus dude, you're 27, which is not ancient but you aren't in high school anymore. This shit happens to pretty much everyone as sex-havin' adults; we have a lot going on in our lives and brains and frankly, it can be tough to snap out of it and be in the moment.
In both cases the solution is similar: start practicing mindfulness in the sack, and start thinking of larger swaths of your relationship interactions as brain-foreplay. But don't beat yourself up if you can't stay hard for 3 hours at a go that much anymore--that sort of thing really is largely a VERY young man's game.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:45 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Whoah. Someone who has the exact same problems that I have, right down to sex that maybe should have ended much earlier. Crazy! Fortunately, with diligent work things have improved a lot in the last year for me.
Pertinent question: Do you have trouble getting off? I lack sensitivity so it's just plain difficult to get off physically. And I've noticed that this can lead to being distracted easily because what's happening in the present isn't so mindblowing that I can't ignore it.
On the mental side, I'm a chronic overthinker/dweller. In daily life, I'm easily distracted by the internet. My mind sometimes wanders mid-conversation. This isn't a good thing.
Things that have helped for me are 100% quitting porn (lately, I haven't even had much exposure to advertisements and media with pretty people in it), mindfulness exercises and reducing masturbation. For specifics, here's something to try. Quit masturbating and porn (not necessarily sex) for 2 weeks. When you do have intercourse, really focus 100% on yourself and how it's feeling (have your partner take care of herself during, or help her out before or afterwards).
If/when you start masturbating after two weeks, don't use porn (visual, written, whatever) and focus 100% on the feelings. Don't even fantasize about people or whatever. It's critical you only focus on the sensations. This is going to be difficult. Really difficult. But it gets easier each time. Eventually you'll find that you'll be able to focus on yourself when you need to (e.g., when you decide you want to get off).
posted by just.good.enough at 2:49 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Pertinent question: Do you have trouble getting off? I lack sensitivity so it's just plain difficult to get off physically. And I've noticed that this can lead to being distracted easily because what's happening in the present isn't so mindblowing that I can't ignore it.
On the mental side, I'm a chronic overthinker/dweller. In daily life, I'm easily distracted by the internet. My mind sometimes wanders mid-conversation. This isn't a good thing.
Things that have helped for me are 100% quitting porn (lately, I haven't even had much exposure to advertisements and media with pretty people in it), mindfulness exercises and reducing masturbation. For specifics, here's something to try. Quit masturbating and porn (not necessarily sex) for 2 weeks. When you do have intercourse, really focus 100% on yourself and how it's feeling (have your partner take care of herself during, or help her out before or afterwards).
If/when you start masturbating after two weeks, don't use porn (visual, written, whatever) and focus 100% on the feelings. Don't even fantasize about people or whatever. It's critical you only focus on the sensations. This is going to be difficult. Really difficult. But it gets easier each time. Eventually you'll find that you'll be able to focus on yourself when you need to (e.g., when you decide you want to get off).
posted by just.good.enough at 2:49 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
A few things:
10-20 minutes peak erection is totally within the range of normal, believe it or not. The 'raxor sharp' part can change--ebb and flow--in the context of a relationship. Partners cope iwth this differently and strategies abound to regain it: changing your setting (different parts of the house; outside the house; somewhere with the threat of discovery; an adult bookstore cubicle; etc.).
The ability to maintain erections changes with age. Around 30, a lot of dudes report noticing changes in frequency, ability, duration, and so on (as an aside, remember that in terms of our species' evolution, you are already well beyond the average period of peak reproductive success). Various sexual studies have coitus itself clocking in at an average of about 15 minutes. Let yourself off the hook a bit on this one, even if it means learning to be sexual even when you're not rock hard.
If you are dealing with a true mental cause, there are therapeutic strategies to try. Many center on relaxation generally (as in). You might want to get yourself a cockring and incorporate its introduction into your play. You do also have the pharmaceutical option. Some men seek new stimuli, too, but this can vary a lot depending on your comfort level--nipple play is a hot buton for some men, ditto on prostate stimulation (for some men, erections don't come without the help of one or the other).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:06 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
10-20 minutes peak erection is totally within the range of normal, believe it or not. The 'raxor sharp' part can change--ebb and flow--in the context of a relationship. Partners cope iwth this differently and strategies abound to regain it: changing your setting (different parts of the house; outside the house; somewhere with the threat of discovery; an adult bookstore cubicle; etc.).
The ability to maintain erections changes with age. Around 30, a lot of dudes report noticing changes in frequency, ability, duration, and so on (as an aside, remember that in terms of our species' evolution, you are already well beyond the average period of peak reproductive success). Various sexual studies have coitus itself clocking in at an average of about 15 minutes. Let yourself off the hook a bit on this one, even if it means learning to be sexual even when you're not rock hard.
If you are dealing with a true mental cause, there are therapeutic strategies to try. Many center on relaxation generally (as in). You might want to get yourself a cockring and incorporate its introduction into your play. You do also have the pharmaceutical option. Some men seek new stimuli, too, but this can vary a lot depending on your comfort level--nipple play is a hot buton for some men, ditto on prostate stimulation (for some men, erections don't come without the help of one or the other).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:06 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Familiarity in your relationship may well be a factor. I also think you've probably been enjoying the phenomenal sexual endurance that males can have in their teens and into their twenties, and you're reaching an age now where going and going and going isn't so easy anymore. (Here is where I put on my "biological male" hat:) I used to routinely last an hour or more. I can't say when that stopped, but it did. It was probably sometime around your age. A lot of the youthful abilities that have seemed routine to you so far will eventually seem like superpowers you didn't even know you had.
FWIW, I don't miss it that much. It was fun while it lasted, but your mind kind of changes with your body as you get older, and eventually the prospect of non-stop sex that lasts for hours just doesn't thrill you like it did. Sex can still be plenty of fun, but it doesn't feel like something that you need to be doing 9 times a week for 3 hours at a time.
If things are going good with this ladyfriend, focus on that. Enjoy the time you are spending in bed, and try not to worry about how long you think it should last. Trust me, 3 hours at a time isn't something you should plan on, as the years go by.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:08 PM on January 23, 2015
FWIW, I don't miss it that much. It was fun while it lasted, but your mind kind of changes with your body as you get older, and eventually the prospect of non-stop sex that lasts for hours just doesn't thrill you like it did. Sex can still be plenty of fun, but it doesn't feel like something that you need to be doing 9 times a week for 3 hours at a time.
If things are going good with this ladyfriend, focus on that. Enjoy the time you are spending in bed, and try not to worry about how long you think it should last. Trust me, 3 hours at a time isn't something you should plan on, as the years go by.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:08 PM on January 23, 2015
Best answer: More than half the time it's over 45 minutes and closer to 1.5 hours.
Are we talking sustained erection or actual intercourse? If the latter, those numbers are pornstar territory and seriously, you have no problem there.
If the former... you still have no problem. I'm a guy, and I sleep with guys, so I've probably been around a lot more erections than you have. They come and go. (Then they come, and they go sorry). 20 minutes seems even the high end of average, to me, unless we're talking 20 minutes of constant stimulation.
When we're younger--say up to around 25 or so--yeah, sure, we get those rock-hard erections that basically won't go away no matter what's going on and that's all kinds of fun, sure. But there's a definite change in male sexuality in the mid-late twenties where no, you're not going to have your 18 year old erection anymore. You're going to be doing something that you're enjoying, and it turns you on, but you're not necessarily going to be hard--you're going down on her, for example. It's enjoyable! It's fun! It's a thing that floats your boat! Doesn't mean you're going to be hard.
And that's okay. Sometimes you won't orgasm--often, for me, because of a focus on getting there instead of enjoying the journey--and that's okay too!
The thing that kind of changed the world for me was really internalizing that arousal has two components: mental and physical. I'm sure you've been physically aroused when you're not particularly horny, yeah? The reverse is also true: your mind is all "YEAH THIS THING! YEAH!" and your wang is doing its own thing. Get used to this because this continues. And it's okay!
So please, don't be concerned that your penis isn't doing exactly what you want when you want it to. After all, it gets hard sometimes when we don't want it to, so sometimes it won't when we do. Nothing wrong with that.
As for the distraction issue, I echo the comment above about whether distracting yourself has been a strategy in the past to avoid orgasm. If so, that's pretty easy to fix: consider orgasms as commas, not as periods; as something that's part of a given sexual encounter, and not necessarily its conclusion. So maybe today you need to come in three minutes, and tomorrow will be half an hour, and the day after that twenty minutes, and so on and so forth. Even if you're not hard you've still got fingers and a tongue (and toys, perhaps) and you can still be right there and totally present for your partner.
Which leads to the other thing that may help: being present. Mindfulness gets a lot of cheerleading around these parts and I'm definitely an evangelist, and it seems extremely suited to your situation. Outside of sexytimes, practice being present in the moment. Be right here, be right now, inhabit your physical body and its sensations. Focus. Don't force yourself; if other things come into your mind acknowledge them and let them wash away. If you practice this in other situations, it will start to become a habit that you can carry with you into the bedroom.
One of the benefits of getting older, to me, is feeling slightly less at the mercy of one's cock when it's ready for action. Try embracing this, if you can--for me, it's led to being much more appreciative of sensuality as a part of sex. And that has led to a much, much more satisfying and happy sex life. (Side note, your point about orgasms being welcome but unnecessary is something I wish I had learned much earlier; many kudos to you for figuring that out!)
You're okay, is what I'm saying, and trust me when I say you are totally and completely normal.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:40 PM on January 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
Are we talking sustained erection or actual intercourse? If the latter, those numbers are pornstar territory and seriously, you have no problem there.
If the former... you still have no problem. I'm a guy, and I sleep with guys, so I've probably been around a lot more erections than you have. They come and go. (Then they come, and they go sorry). 20 minutes seems even the high end of average, to me, unless we're talking 20 minutes of constant stimulation.
When we're younger--say up to around 25 or so--yeah, sure, we get those rock-hard erections that basically won't go away no matter what's going on and that's all kinds of fun, sure. But there's a definite change in male sexuality in the mid-late twenties where no, you're not going to have your 18 year old erection anymore. You're going to be doing something that you're enjoying, and it turns you on, but you're not necessarily going to be hard--you're going down on her, for example. It's enjoyable! It's fun! It's a thing that floats your boat! Doesn't mean you're going to be hard.
And that's okay. Sometimes you won't orgasm--often, for me, because of a focus on getting there instead of enjoying the journey--and that's okay too!
The thing that kind of changed the world for me was really internalizing that arousal has two components: mental and physical. I'm sure you've been physically aroused when you're not particularly horny, yeah? The reverse is also true: your mind is all "YEAH THIS THING! YEAH!" and your wang is doing its own thing. Get used to this because this continues. And it's okay!
So please, don't be concerned that your penis isn't doing exactly what you want when you want it to. After all, it gets hard sometimes when we don't want it to, so sometimes it won't when we do. Nothing wrong with that.
As for the distraction issue, I echo the comment above about whether distracting yourself has been a strategy in the past to avoid orgasm. If so, that's pretty easy to fix: consider orgasms as commas, not as periods; as something that's part of a given sexual encounter, and not necessarily its conclusion. So maybe today you need to come in three minutes, and tomorrow will be half an hour, and the day after that twenty minutes, and so on and so forth. Even if you're not hard you've still got fingers and a tongue (and toys, perhaps) and you can still be right there and totally present for your partner.
Which leads to the other thing that may help: being present. Mindfulness gets a lot of cheerleading around these parts and I'm definitely an evangelist, and it seems extremely suited to your situation. Outside of sexytimes, practice being present in the moment. Be right here, be right now, inhabit your physical body and its sensations. Focus. Don't force yourself; if other things come into your mind acknowledge them and let them wash away. If you practice this in other situations, it will start to become a habit that you can carry with you into the bedroom.
One of the benefits of getting older, to me, is feeling slightly less at the mercy of one's cock when it's ready for action. Try embracing this, if you can--for me, it's led to being much more appreciative of sensuality as a part of sex. And that has led to a much, much more satisfying and happy sex life. (Side note, your point about orgasms being welcome but unnecessary is something I wish I had learned much earlier; many kudos to you for figuring that out!)
You're okay, is what I'm saying, and trust me when I say you are totally and completely normal.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:40 PM on January 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
My friend, according to sex therapists, "intercourse that lasts 3 to 13 minutes is normative and not prima facie worthy of clinical concern." So, a less epic amount of time spent in a sexual engagement than you were enjoying earlier isn't in any way pathological. It's bothering you, though, so let's query why.
If the problem is that your girlfriend is unhappy because she needs more time to reach orgasm, and she wants an orgasm, then you are a good partner to want to make her happy, and it's time to cede center stage to your fingers or mouth or friendly neighborhood sex toy.
If the problem is that you are having more sex than you really have the libido for, ask yourself why you are doing that. Is it that your partner has a high libido and is initiating frequent sex, leaving you trying to keep up but prone to mind-wandering? In that case, you might try inviting her to pleasure herself while you watch.
On the other hand, perhaps you are initiating more sex than you really have the libido for now, because you feel like you must maintain the sexual frequency that you had early in your relationship. But it's totally normal for sexual frequency to decrease, without sexual satisfaction in the relationship deteriorating. If your concern is that your partner will think you're losing interest in the relationship, make it clear that you love her with words and other sorts of deeds. But if your concern is more on the lines of having your self-image tied up in your impressive youthful capacity for marathon erections, remind yourself that the point of having sex is to enjoy having sex. As others have said, the youthful propensity for longlasting erections fades over time--I like to think, because it's replaced by a much better route to sexual satisfaction: skill and knowledge.
I know it sounds counterintuitive, but if you're worried about not spending enough time having sex, having less sex may be the best solution. It's simple: quality is a lot more important than quantity. Yes, when you're 20, you can eat two "Party Size" bags of Doritos all by yourself without getting sick, and have three-hour erections without needing to see a doctor. But as you mature, you realize that a gourmet meal is a lot more pleasurable than a Dorito-gorging. And the same is true of gourmet sex! Save up your sexual appetite for the promise of something special, and when you're feeling deeply randy, try some new sexual flavors. I believe your mind will be much less inclined to wander. Anyway, that's my advice, for what it's worth!
posted by DrMew at 9:55 PM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
If the problem is that your girlfriend is unhappy because she needs more time to reach orgasm, and she wants an orgasm, then you are a good partner to want to make her happy, and it's time to cede center stage to your fingers or mouth or friendly neighborhood sex toy.
If the problem is that you are having more sex than you really have the libido for, ask yourself why you are doing that. Is it that your partner has a high libido and is initiating frequent sex, leaving you trying to keep up but prone to mind-wandering? In that case, you might try inviting her to pleasure herself while you watch.
On the other hand, perhaps you are initiating more sex than you really have the libido for now, because you feel like you must maintain the sexual frequency that you had early in your relationship. But it's totally normal for sexual frequency to decrease, without sexual satisfaction in the relationship deteriorating. If your concern is that your partner will think you're losing interest in the relationship, make it clear that you love her with words and other sorts of deeds. But if your concern is more on the lines of having your self-image tied up in your impressive youthful capacity for marathon erections, remind yourself that the point of having sex is to enjoy having sex. As others have said, the youthful propensity for longlasting erections fades over time--I like to think, because it's replaced by a much better route to sexual satisfaction: skill and knowledge.
I know it sounds counterintuitive, but if you're worried about not spending enough time having sex, having less sex may be the best solution. It's simple: quality is a lot more important than quantity. Yes, when you're 20, you can eat two "Party Size" bags of Doritos all by yourself without getting sick, and have three-hour erections without needing to see a doctor. But as you mature, you realize that a gourmet meal is a lot more pleasurable than a Dorito-gorging. And the same is true of gourmet sex! Save up your sexual appetite for the promise of something special, and when you're feeling deeply randy, try some new sexual flavors. I believe your mind will be much less inclined to wander. Anyway, that's my advice, for what it's worth!
posted by DrMew at 9:55 PM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Maybe try something new during sex, perhaps with a physical aspect to it. Perhaps adding an ice cube to your play, or maybe some warming/stimulating lube. Or maybe your girlfriend could pull your hair or something. It needn't be full on kink, just something a little different that makes your brain refocus on what's going on in the moment. Maybe even a different position would help.
As we get older, it's easy to slip into a mode of "grab [this] like [that] for a few minutes, and boom; orgasm". We figure out what works and what doesn't, and generally do more of the stuff that works, creating a shorter loop from Start to Finish. Adding something different into the cycle causes the brain to have to pay attention to the new stimulus, and it gives it something to do, rather than conjuring up images to keep itself entertained. It might be that you're just getting a little bored during sex. I'm not at all trying to say that your girlfriend is boring, at all. But if you've been doing the same thing over and over for a while now, I think it's likely that your brain has just adapted.
Maybe have a conversation with your partner where you discuss trying new things and both talk about things you'd like to try that you haven't before. It's a cliché, but the Kama Sutra is a pretty good leaping off point for conversations like this. At the least, you can giggle with your partner about how impossible some of the poses look. Supersex by Tracey Cox is another good starting point. IME, Lovehoney is very reasonably priced and very discreet when it comes to delivery. Also, you're heading towards the age where things start to slow down a little. It can be fun to learn that your penis is not the only sexual organ you have.
posted by Solomon at 3:59 AM on January 24, 2015
As we get older, it's easy to slip into a mode of "grab [this] like [that] for a few minutes, and boom; orgasm". We figure out what works and what doesn't, and generally do more of the stuff that works, creating a shorter loop from Start to Finish. Adding something different into the cycle causes the brain to have to pay attention to the new stimulus, and it gives it something to do, rather than conjuring up images to keep itself entertained. It might be that you're just getting a little bored during sex. I'm not at all trying to say that your girlfriend is boring, at all. But if you've been doing the same thing over and over for a while now, I think it's likely that your brain has just adapted.
Maybe have a conversation with your partner where you discuss trying new things and both talk about things you'd like to try that you haven't before. It's a cliché, but the Kama Sutra is a pretty good leaping off point for conversations like this. At the least, you can giggle with your partner about how impossible some of the poses look. Supersex by Tracey Cox is another good starting point. IME, Lovehoney is very reasonably priced and very discreet when it comes to delivery. Also, you're heading towards the age where things start to slow down a little. It can be fun to learn that your penis is not the only sexual organ you have.
posted by Solomon at 3:59 AM on January 24, 2015
How does your partner feel? If my partner went from 3 hours to 10-20 minutes, I would be secretly very, very happy (and relieved). But I would probably have difficulty expressing this, since every guy I've dated has had some sort of mental complex about length of intercourse. Realistically, after the first few months 10-20 minutes is plenty and 3 hours would be just way too much.
posted by anaelith at 7:15 AM on January 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by anaelith at 7:15 AM on January 24, 2015 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Justinian at 1:47 PM on January 23, 2015 [26 favorites]