Talk to me!
January 23, 2015 1:35 PM Subscribe
Trying to dumb the back story down: Fell head over heels in love with this woman about 7-8 years ago and prob the only time I have been in love. She liked me back (I think to the same degree but not sure). She was the one for sure. I was in a terrible emotional/mental spot and felt like I did not deserve her or to be with someone that I loved, so I basically told her that I was not in a place where I could commit. She tried her best to show me otherwise and for literally years we kept in touch and talked a lot. She continued to date other people.
I suspect that most people think that when you say that you dont want to commit you are really interested in dating other people, but that was not true for me. I am not a dater. I am not looking to be in a relationship generally. I have slept with two people since her and both were people I knew before I met her.
We finally made plans to see each other again about 2 years ago and it was great to see her but feelings of inadequacy crept up again and I told her. She told me that she needed to move on and that to do so she needed to cut me off (no email, text, de-friended me on facebook, etc.).
I have really worked on myself since then and I am in a much better place. It has been a year since she has talked to me. I think about her every day. I am not looking for someone to be in my life other than her. I dont have any interest in going on dates or trying to find someone else. What do I do??
I suspect that most people think that when you say that you dont want to commit you are really interested in dating other people, but that was not true for me. I am not a dater. I am not looking to be in a relationship generally. I have slept with two people since her and both were people I knew before I met her.
We finally made plans to see each other again about 2 years ago and it was great to see her but feelings of inadequacy crept up again and I told her. She told me that she needed to move on and that to do so she needed to cut me off (no email, text, de-friended me on facebook, etc.).
I have really worked on myself since then and I am in a much better place. It has been a year since she has talked to me. I think about her every day. I am not looking for someone to be in my life other than her. I dont have any interest in going on dates or trying to find someone else. What do I do??
What do I do??
You move on. That ship sailed, sorry -- it sounded like she gave you years to figure yourself out and you couldn't do it, so she did what she had to do to protect herself. Good for her.
The good news for you is that there isn't any such thing as a singular soulmate for any person on the planet. Yeah, she was great, she might even be "perfect" for you, but there are other perfect women out there.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:38 PM on January 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
You move on. That ship sailed, sorry -- it sounded like she gave you years to figure yourself out and you couldn't do it, so she did what she had to do to protect herself. Good for her.
The good news for you is that there isn't any such thing as a singular soulmate for any person on the planet. Yeah, she was great, she might even be "perfect" for you, but there are other perfect women out there.
posted by sparklemotion at 1:38 PM on January 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
The fact that you're not sure if she liked you back "to the same degree", and the fact that she has moved on, means that she is actually NOT "perfect" for you. Because "perfect for you" also means "likes you back just as much as you like them and also wants to be with you".
You don't have perfect, you have "the one that got away". But the great thing is "the one that got away" is that you also have a clear idea of what you're looking for elsewhere, so you will more easily see it when you find it. And it IS possible for you to meet someone who has a lot of the same qualities this woman has, PLUS also liking you back absolutely as much. and THAT person is what you want to call "perfect".
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:40 PM on January 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
You don't have perfect, you have "the one that got away". But the great thing is "the one that got away" is that you also have a clear idea of what you're looking for elsewhere, so you will more easily see it when you find it. And it IS possible for you to meet someone who has a lot of the same qualities this woman has, PLUS also liking you back absolutely as much. and THAT person is what you want to call "perfect".
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:40 PM on January 23, 2015 [10 favorites]
I am not looking for someone to be in my life other than her. I dont have any interest in going on dates or trying to find someone else. What do I do??
This woman has made it clear that she needs to move on and no longer wishes to remain in contact with you. So what do you do? You either die alone or suck it up and date other people.
There is no future with this woman in it. I'm sorry. But you need to go full bandaid rip and admit that to yourself. Pining away is not going to do you any good.
posted by phunniemee at 1:41 PM on January 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
This woman has made it clear that she needs to move on and no longer wishes to remain in contact with you. So what do you do? You either die alone or suck it up and date other people.
There is no future with this woman in it. I'm sorry. But you need to go full bandaid rip and admit that to yourself. Pining away is not going to do you any good.
posted by phunniemee at 1:41 PM on January 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
Let me ask you this question - How's your social life?
It sounds to me like you might be a bit cloistered and not getting out and about.
Our monkey minds LOVE this type of isolation, because they have a captive audience to listen to them jibber jabber.
And your monkey mind seems to be fixated on this woman.
I vote that we get out and about and find something else for our monkey mind to think about. Other people. Other women. Hobbies. Social gatherings.
I was in your shoes about 6 years ago and Meetup.com was a GODSEND to me.
No matter what nerdy or crazy hobby or interest you have, I can swear that other people are into it too in your area.
Get out!
Meet them!
Smile!
Shake their hands!
Discuss your common interest!
Get their email!
Get their phone number!
Hang out!
Discuss world domination!
In other words, keep yourself SO DAMN BUSY that you don't have TIME to think about The One That Got Away, because you're looking for The One Right Who Is Around The Corner :)
Good luck to you!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 1:41 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
It sounds to me like you might be a bit cloistered and not getting out and about.
Our monkey minds LOVE this type of isolation, because they have a captive audience to listen to them jibber jabber.
And your monkey mind seems to be fixated on this woman.
I vote that we get out and about and find something else for our monkey mind to think about. Other people. Other women. Hobbies. Social gatherings.
I was in your shoes about 6 years ago and Meetup.com was a GODSEND to me.
No matter what nerdy or crazy hobby or interest you have, I can swear that other people are into it too in your area.
Get out!
Meet them!
Smile!
Shake their hands!
Discuss your common interest!
Get their email!
Get their phone number!
Hang out!
Discuss world domination!
In other words, keep yourself SO DAMN BUSY that you don't have TIME to think about The One That Got Away, because you're looking for The One Right Who Is Around The Corner :)
Good luck to you!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 1:41 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Any solution to this problem will be one that does not involve having contact with her. She does not want to talk to you and you need to respect that. If you're really having a lot of trouble forming connections in a dating sense with anyone who isn't her then my suggestion would be that you talk to a therapist if your insurance covers it. Therapy may help you to begin the process of moving on for yourself, because that is the only thing that's going to help you feel better.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:42 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:42 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: How do I move on if that is the answer?
John Kennedy - I am not a social butterfly, but I am also not a total hermit. I have great friends that live close by and best friends that live within driving distance. I will say that I work A LOT; probably too much and I am not afraid to admit that I am much more successful in my work life than my social life. But also, I have never been interested in relationships generally, and dating sounds miserable.
posted by frednorton at 1:48 PM on January 23, 2015
John Kennedy - I am not a social butterfly, but I am also not a total hermit. I have great friends that live close by and best friends that live within driving distance. I will say that I work A LOT; probably too much and I am not afraid to admit that I am much more successful in my work life than my social life. But also, I have never been interested in relationships generally, and dating sounds miserable.
posted by frednorton at 1:48 PM on January 23, 2015
I don't think you've worked on yourself to the degree you think you have if you believe she is the Only One.
Leave her be.
posted by rtha at 1:54 PM on January 23, 2015 [15 favorites]
Leave her be.
posted by rtha at 1:54 PM on January 23, 2015 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: Famous Monster - I do not have a lot of faith in therapy for me (not saying it does not work, but you have to let it work). Some things happened in my family when I was young (not as dramatic as that sounds) and I saw quite a few therapists and I have a hard time opening myself up to the process.
posted by frednorton at 1:56 PM on January 23, 2015
posted by frednorton at 1:56 PM on January 23, 2015
She told me that she needed to move on and that to do so she needed to cut me off (no email, text, de-friended me on facebook, etc.). I have really worked on myself since then and I am in a much better place.
Imagine if these two sentences came after you'd been, say, engaged and nearly gotten married and it fell apart. Seriously involved, anyway. She cut off contact and announced she was moving on. You've worked on yourself since then. Well--that's great. Working on yourself is good. She still ended it. You don't get to undo her ending it because you're ready, now. Imagine it in a job context--you got fired but you're sure you'd be a much better employee now. 99 times out of 100, that opportunity is no longer available. You can't just walk in and ask for your old job back. The decision is out of your hands; someone else made it and your job isn't to convince them otherwise, it's to make the best of things within your own life.
And maybe that doesn't involve dating right now. That's fine. Lots of people go through periods of time when they're intentionally single. Disinterest in dating anyone else does not compel this one woman to be yours--nor does it mean you'd actually be happy with her. Reality has a way of intruding on fantasy.
At that point, I think, you mourn it like you'd mourn an actual relationship. You had feelings for someone and it didn't work out. You're allowed to be really sad about that. Make your own break with that past and focus on the present until such time as you feel like thinking about the future again. I'm around your age and took a few years off until stumbling onto someone without ever having looked. I have no idea if it's going to be forever, but I realized that okay, sure, right now I'm up to handling that uncertainty. You don't have to force that; when you're ready, you're ready.
posted by Sequence at 1:57 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Imagine if these two sentences came after you'd been, say, engaged and nearly gotten married and it fell apart. Seriously involved, anyway. She cut off contact and announced she was moving on. You've worked on yourself since then. Well--that's great. Working on yourself is good. She still ended it. You don't get to undo her ending it because you're ready, now. Imagine it in a job context--you got fired but you're sure you'd be a much better employee now. 99 times out of 100, that opportunity is no longer available. You can't just walk in and ask for your old job back. The decision is out of your hands; someone else made it and your job isn't to convince them otherwise, it's to make the best of things within your own life.
And maybe that doesn't involve dating right now. That's fine. Lots of people go through periods of time when they're intentionally single. Disinterest in dating anyone else does not compel this one woman to be yours--nor does it mean you'd actually be happy with her. Reality has a way of intruding on fantasy.
At that point, I think, you mourn it like you'd mourn an actual relationship. You had feelings for someone and it didn't work out. You're allowed to be really sad about that. Make your own break with that past and focus on the present until such time as you feel like thinking about the future again. I'm around your age and took a few years off until stumbling onto someone without ever having looked. I have no idea if it's going to be forever, but I realized that okay, sure, right now I'm up to handling that uncertainty. You don't have to force that; when you're ready, you're ready.
posted by Sequence at 1:57 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
How do I move on if that is the answer?
This really is the most important thing for you to acknowledge right now, so good!
If you're not interested in relationships and don't want to date, then take some steps to get yourself into some new social situations that will expose you to new people, so that new friendships (maybe relationships!) can happen more organically.
Start volunteering with a group that has some meaning for you. Join a trivia league. Go to some metafilter meetups in your area. Join an adult dodgeball or frisbee league when the weather warms up. Etc. You'll feel better about yourself and your ability to connect with others once you actually start meeting some new folks.
Personally I love dating and think it can be a ton of fun if you go into it with the right attitude, but maybe that's something for a future question.
posted by phunniemee at 1:58 PM on January 23, 2015
This really is the most important thing for you to acknowledge right now, so good!
If you're not interested in relationships and don't want to date, then take some steps to get yourself into some new social situations that will expose you to new people, so that new friendships (maybe relationships!) can happen more organically.
Start volunteering with a group that has some meaning for you. Join a trivia league. Go to some metafilter meetups in your area. Join an adult dodgeball or frisbee league when the weather warms up. Etc. You'll feel better about yourself and your ability to connect with others once you actually start meeting some new folks.
Personally I love dating and think it can be a ton of fun if you go into it with the right attitude, but maybe that's something for a future question.
posted by phunniemee at 1:58 PM on January 23, 2015
Response by poster: rtha - She is the only one I want to be with. I do not think that she is only one for me at all. I think if I put myself out there, I could love a lot of people but I am not interested in that. I am not interested in being in a relationship just to be in one.
posted by frednorton at 1:59 PM on January 23, 2015
posted by frednorton at 1:59 PM on January 23, 2015
You have to get over it. You can't expect people to wait around until YOU'VE decided that you're ready. She gave you more chances than I would have, and it's only now that she's put her foot down and told you to leave her alone, so you need to do that. She may be married now, or happy in another relationship. She has moved on and is living a life without you.
In the future you need to shit or get off the pot. Attend to your own issues if they're causing you or your partner unhappiness, but it's ludicrous to think that she's somewhere waiting for you. She isn't.
You move on by dealing with the break up. If you need therapy, get therapy. Go on weekend with your buddies, fish, or hang out in a cabin or do Vegas. Get out of your usual element. See things from a different perspective.
Take classes, learn to cook a new kind of food, get an MBA, take walking tours of your city. Focus on things other than this lady or dating.
If your surroundings remind you of the relationship, change them. Re arrange the furniture, get new bedding, hang new curtains. Move if you have to.
It's over. So over. Accept it, and start living your life as though she will never be in it, because that's the reality.
You may want to talk to a therapist, it sounds like you have issues that you need to work through before you can be in a healthy relationship.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:59 PM on January 23, 2015 [11 favorites]
In the future you need to shit or get off the pot. Attend to your own issues if they're causing you or your partner unhappiness, but it's ludicrous to think that she's somewhere waiting for you. She isn't.
You move on by dealing with the break up. If you need therapy, get therapy. Go on weekend with your buddies, fish, or hang out in a cabin or do Vegas. Get out of your usual element. See things from a different perspective.
Take classes, learn to cook a new kind of food, get an MBA, take walking tours of your city. Focus on things other than this lady or dating.
If your surroundings remind you of the relationship, change them. Re arrange the furniture, get new bedding, hang new curtains. Move if you have to.
It's over. So over. Accept it, and start living your life as though she will never be in it, because that's the reality.
You may want to talk to a therapist, it sounds like you have issues that you need to work through before you can be in a healthy relationship.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:59 PM on January 23, 2015 [11 favorites]
She wanted to move on, but she might not have been able to move on, might as well find out. I think you should message her- once, respectfully- and ask if you can have dinner. She might say no, and if she does, or if she chooses not to respond, you have to respect that and not message again.
If she says yes to meeting, perhaps you could go for dinner. Make sure not too drink too much! Catch up, the go for a walk and sit somewhere nice and quiet, and talk for real about your feelings- let the conversation get deep if it wants to. Tell her straight-up how you feel. If she misses you too, then try seeing each other. If she says she's moved on, -- or if she does not reply to your invitation within, say, a week-- then you'll know for sure that it's over.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:00 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
If she says yes to meeting, perhaps you could go for dinner. Make sure not too drink too much! Catch up, the go for a walk and sit somewhere nice and quiet, and talk for real about your feelings- let the conversation get deep if it wants to. Tell her straight-up how you feel. If she misses you too, then try seeing each other. If she says she's moved on, -- or if she does not reply to your invitation within, say, a week-- then you'll know for sure that it's over.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 2:00 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
How do I move on if that is the answer?
Time and chocolate, hon.
You've spent the past several years postponing the moving-on process - you've been hanging on to the hope that she would still be waiting for you, and the only way to move on from someone is to actually live with that knowledge that she Is Not Coming Back for a while. Let yourself go through all the Feelings you will have about that. Let them run their course.
This is going to sound a little disgusting, but - it's as if you have eaten something toxic, and your body is desperately trying to throw up because you need to get it out of you, but you've been taking all this anti-nausea medication to stop yourself FROM throwing up, so it's still in there.
That's kind of like what you've been doing by hanging on to the hope she would be there for you - you've not been letting yourself actually ACCEPT that she's not going to be with you. Just like the only way to get past having eaten something toxic is to let your body throw up and get it out of you, you need to let yourself feel all that pain first and get it out before you can get past this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:01 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Time and chocolate, hon.
You've spent the past several years postponing the moving-on process - you've been hanging on to the hope that she would still be waiting for you, and the only way to move on from someone is to actually live with that knowledge that she Is Not Coming Back for a while. Let yourself go through all the Feelings you will have about that. Let them run their course.
This is going to sound a little disgusting, but - it's as if you have eaten something toxic, and your body is desperately trying to throw up because you need to get it out of you, but you've been taking all this anti-nausea medication to stop yourself FROM throwing up, so it's still in there.
That's kind of like what you've been doing by hanging on to the hope she would be there for you - you've not been letting yourself actually ACCEPT that she's not going to be with you. Just like the only way to get past having eaten something toxic is to let your body throw up and get it out of you, you need to let yourself feel all that pain first and get it out before you can get past this.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:01 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks to all for the responses. I am about to head out but will check in later.
I do think, after writing it out, I sound incredibly self absorbed thinking that she would be waiting around for me. I do not expect her to be waiting around for me. Honestly, I don't even really care if she wants to date me. I just want her to be in my life.
posted by frednorton at 2:12 PM on January 23, 2015
I do think, after writing it out, I sound incredibly self absorbed thinking that she would be waiting around for me. I do not expect her to be waiting around for me. Honestly, I don't even really care if she wants to date me. I just want her to be in my life.
posted by frednorton at 2:12 PM on January 23, 2015
Fred, fyi don't threadsit in AskMefi; you've asked your question, now just read the answers.
Glad that they're helping :)
posted by Sebmojo at 2:12 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Glad that they're helping :)
posted by Sebmojo at 2:12 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
The right person for you is the person that is actually ready, willing (aka interested) and available at the same time you are.
None of these things apply to this woman. She is therefore not the "one". Let go so you can be ready and open for the woman who is!
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:13 PM on January 23, 2015
None of these things apply to this woman. She is therefore not the "one". Let go so you can be ready and open for the woman who is!
posted by Hermione Granger at 2:13 PM on January 23, 2015
I could love a lot of people but I am not interested in that
If you're not interested in changing this - only wanting to be with someone who does not want to be with you - then I don't think askme can help you.
posted by rtha at 2:15 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you're not interested in changing this - only wanting to be with someone who does not want to be with you - then I don't think askme can help you.
posted by rtha at 2:15 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
You say you are not a dater and not interested in relationships so why are you fixated on "being with her"?
I really wonder why did you not try to have her in your life as a friend instead? But it's a moot point now since it looks like she is not interested in friendship with you..
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 2:18 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
I really wonder why did you not try to have her in your life as a friend instead? But it's a moot point now since it looks like she is not interested in friendship with you..
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 2:18 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Lots of advice here that you don't want to hear! Sorry, but I have nothing to offer that will give you hope of resurrecting this failed relationship.
Your choice is simple, but hard - move on, or live a life constrained by unrequited love. Short term pain, or long term misery - you get to choose. I know what I want for you, and it is not long term misery.
If it helps, most people have experienced something similar, and have called 'enough' to the suffering, borne the pain involved in accepting that their love is not going to be returned, and moved on to new people and new experiences of relationship. You can too.
Good luck!
posted by GeeEmm at 2:34 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
Your choice is simple, but hard - move on, or live a life constrained by unrequited love. Short term pain, or long term misery - you get to choose. I know what I want for you, and it is not long term misery.
If it helps, most people have experienced something similar, and have called 'enough' to the suffering, borne the pain involved in accepting that their love is not going to be returned, and moved on to new people and new experiences of relationship. You can too.
Good luck!
posted by GeeEmm at 2:34 PM on January 23, 2015 [1 favorite]
feelings of inadequacy crept up again and I told her
These dynamics rarely change too much. I mean, you had five years for them to change; you thought they'd changed; then they hadn't. It's only been another two years. Even if you've changed a lot now, when you see her, you may well fall back into your old dynamic.
posted by salvia at 2:42 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
These dynamics rarely change too much. I mean, you had five years for them to change; you thought they'd changed; then they hadn't. It's only been another two years. Even if you've changed a lot now, when you see her, you may well fall back into your old dynamic.
posted by salvia at 2:42 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
She is the only one I want to be with. I do not think that she is only one for me at all.
That, for me, really did fade once I made some peace with it, although I was really only as far as "abstractly thinking about the notion that I might date at some point in the future" when suddenly I was staying up all night on the phone with someone like a 14 year old. The world is weird sometimes.
If you really do just want continued contact, I'd advise waiting until after this part passes, which it will, and then see if you've really got enough in common to be worth being good friends, or just sending emails now and then, or whatever. One of my best friends now is an ex, which was also unexpected, but nobody's pining, and that matters. On the other hand, someone I was once sweet on who I assumed would always be in my life one way or another changed significantly over the years and now that we've lost touch, I don't think we're getting it back. Having had time to grieve the loss long since, I find that a little sad, but not cripplingly so.
posted by Sequence at 2:47 PM on January 23, 2015
That, for me, really did fade once I made some peace with it, although I was really only as far as "abstractly thinking about the notion that I might date at some point in the future" when suddenly I was staying up all night on the phone with someone like a 14 year old. The world is weird sometimes.
If you really do just want continued contact, I'd advise waiting until after this part passes, which it will, and then see if you've really got enough in common to be worth being good friends, or just sending emails now and then, or whatever. One of my best friends now is an ex, which was also unexpected, but nobody's pining, and that matters. On the other hand, someone I was once sweet on who I assumed would always be in my life one way or another changed significantly over the years and now that we've lost touch, I don't think we're getting it back. Having had time to grieve the loss long since, I find that a little sad, but not cripplingly so.
posted by Sequence at 2:47 PM on January 23, 2015
By waiting around for someone who has told you she doesn't want to be in your life, you are wasting years of your very limited time on earth.
Look, I am in the happiest marriage I could possibly imagine. My husband is my best friend and partner in every way and I have loved him since I was 17 years old. But we have not always been together, and in the intervening time I dated people I could easily have imagined spending my life with. There is really, really no such thing as The One. For some reason you are hung up on this person as the only one who could make you happy, but it is actually the opposite of true - she has made clear to you that she can't (and won't) make you happy at all. You have to let it go. Put out an effort to meet other people, even if you don't feel like it. You're just spinning your wheels here, wishing away your life on an impossibility.
posted by something something at 2:50 PM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
Look, I am in the happiest marriage I could possibly imagine. My husband is my best friend and partner in every way and I have loved him since I was 17 years old. But we have not always been together, and in the intervening time I dated people I could easily have imagined spending my life with. There is really, really no such thing as The One. For some reason you are hung up on this person as the only one who could make you happy, but it is actually the opposite of true - she has made clear to you that she can't (and won't) make you happy at all. You have to let it go. Put out an effort to meet other people, even if you don't feel like it. You're just spinning your wheels here, wishing away your life on an impossibility.
posted by something something at 2:50 PM on January 23, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: She made her decision a year ago, and she decided that she no longer wants her life to intersect with yours. Going no contact like she did means that she is done, most likely forever. You can't convince her otherwise. Your feelings, strong as they are, do not override hers. And feelings are not fate or evidence of some deeper truth.
To move on with your life, you must first accept that a relationship with her is impossible. Then fill your life with other things that you love (or like, or merely find interesting). Feel free to ignore dating and relationships if you're not into them. Friendships, hobbies, travel, exercise, work, a pet, whatever works, just as long as you're not causing physical or emotional harm. It takes time, but it happens eventually.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:58 PM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
To move on with your life, you must first accept that a relationship with her is impossible. Then fill your life with other things that you love (or like, or merely find interesting). Feel free to ignore dating and relationships if you're not into them. Friendships, hobbies, travel, exercise, work, a pet, whatever works, just as long as you're not causing physical or emotional harm. It takes time, but it happens eventually.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:58 PM on January 23, 2015 [5 favorites]
Oh my. I could have written your post from both sides, at different points in my life. The good news is that both myself and the dude in question have sorted ourselves out; we're not really in each others' lives anymore, and while that itself is a little sad, I think both of US are actually much happier. The better news is that honestly, once we officially broke off our sick, dumb holding pattern, we both easily moved on to better and healthier things--like, *alarmingly easily.* We're both living with other partners now and as far as I know, everyone's doing great.
Honey, you were in a sick holding pattern with this lady, and she was in it with you for a long, long time. But she has diverted her flight to Denver, as it were. It's time for you to stop circling, too. You will be amazed at how quickly and smoothly you land once you decide to do it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:05 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Honey, you were in a sick holding pattern with this lady, and she was in it with you for a long, long time. But she has diverted her flight to Denver, as it were. It's time for you to stop circling, too. You will be amazed at how quickly and smoothly you land once you decide to do it.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:05 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
I'd like to offer an opinion that isn't getting much attention here. I was, at one point, the lady in your story (but I'm a gay dude). After a lot of back and forth with someone, I let go of the torturous thought that we might be A Thing and did my best to avoid the guy in question. But, whaddya know, he did seek me out, several years later. The circumstances were different for what led me to distance myself from him--he really wanted to play the field, in a sow-your-oats sort of way, and I didn't want to be around to watch since I liked him so much--but he came out the other end with the kind of wisdom he wanted, and asked me what I thought about getting back in touch. I'm really glad we did! We didn't end up dating--I'd already met my partner--but we've become very close friends. We talk a lot about that period and how it shaped our current relationship, allowed each of us to meet certain people without whom we can't imagine life, and generally contributed to the things we like about one another.
If you don't act a fool when you reconnect with this woman, you may find something similar. Maybe not, but I'd rather know than wonder.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:13 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you don't act a fool when you reconnect with this woman, you may find something similar. Maybe not, but I'd rather know than wonder.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:13 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "Opening up to the process of therapy" is another way of saying "able to form a trusting relationship with a therapist and, in so doing, create a safe space in which to be vulnerable." Like you do with people you love.
Put another way, the therapist/client relationship can form a template for how to do this with other people.
I'm sorry your family shit has left you paralyzed emotionally and unable to be vulnerable to somebody you clearly love. Listen, though. She's healthy, okay? Or getting healthy, anyway. She's doing something hard -stepping away from you, someone she obviously cares for pretty profoundly - so that she can stop throwing her good love down a hole. That's rational and self-preservationist. It's also as selfless as it is selfish, because it is forcing you to stop using your kind of love-in-amber for her as a shield against real vulnerability and risk. See, you're kind of using her to avoid this aspect of your humanity. Her choice is compassionate to you both.
Your choice not to risk intimacy is about you. Not her. I would imagine that your wanting her back in your life in her previous capacity as Intimidating Fantasy Perfect Love Girl is about your system wishing to return to the status quo - your lonliness and confusion being about her, rather than about you confronting your lack of faith in yourself and doing the work of repairing your self-esteem. That work can be accomplished in therapy.
With respect, your situation is part of the human condition, and your wish to have love while avoiding pain is pretty universal. Love requires courage and risk. She understands this. Let this be the catalyst for your own commitment to sorting your shit out once and for all.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 3:19 PM on January 23, 2015 [22 favorites]
Put another way, the therapist/client relationship can form a template for how to do this with other people.
I'm sorry your family shit has left you paralyzed emotionally and unable to be vulnerable to somebody you clearly love. Listen, though. She's healthy, okay? Or getting healthy, anyway. She's doing something hard -stepping away from you, someone she obviously cares for pretty profoundly - so that she can stop throwing her good love down a hole. That's rational and self-preservationist. It's also as selfless as it is selfish, because it is forcing you to stop using your kind of love-in-amber for her as a shield against real vulnerability and risk. See, you're kind of using her to avoid this aspect of your humanity. Her choice is compassionate to you both.
Your choice not to risk intimacy is about you. Not her. I would imagine that your wanting her back in your life in her previous capacity as Intimidating Fantasy Perfect Love Girl is about your system wishing to return to the status quo - your lonliness and confusion being about her, rather than about you confronting your lack of faith in yourself and doing the work of repairing your self-esteem. That work can be accomplished in therapy.
With respect, your situation is part of the human condition, and your wish to have love while avoiding pain is pretty universal. Love requires courage and risk. She understands this. Let this be the catalyst for your own commitment to sorting your shit out once and for all.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 3:19 PM on January 23, 2015 [22 favorites]
I saw quite a few therapists and I have a hard time opening myself up to the process.
With respect and deepest, most trenchant empathy: This is a choice. Opening up to the process is terrifying, but you can choose to do it, and just deciding that you'd rather not fix your problems because it's scary is not a recipe for a healthy and fulfilling life. Until and unless you get past this block, you are going to run into it in every relationship in your life, over and over again.
posted by KathrynT at 3:21 PM on January 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
With respect and deepest, most trenchant empathy: This is a choice. Opening up to the process is terrifying, but you can choose to do it, and just deciding that you'd rather not fix your problems because it's scary is not a recipe for a healthy and fulfilling life. Until and unless you get past this block, you are going to run into it in every relationship in your life, over and over again.
posted by KathrynT at 3:21 PM on January 23, 2015 [14 favorites]
I am not interested in being in a relationship just to be in one.
So don't be in one. I have a One Who Got Away as well, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. On the good days, I think of him with fondness and "that was good, and it's gone." Bad days are "that was good and he is all I want in the world" taking precedence.
Over time, the good days start outnumbering the bad. Or perhaps more accurately, one can hold "that's good and it's gone forever, and I still want to be with him more than I want oxygen, and that is not going to happen" in one's head at the same time.
As for what to do: live your life. Try not to dwell, if you can. When you do have to dwell, if it is healthy for you to do so, really let yourself feel what you are feeling. Loss sucks; it's a hole that will never be filled. But slowly, with time, we can start building over that hole. My feelings for TOWGA didn't change or affect my feelings for the lovely man I dated and loved a year ago--they're just there, and I (most of the time) accept they're just there, and I continue doing as I do.
So do as you do. What energizes you? What fills you with purpose and joy and satisfaction? Do those things. Another lovely woman is going to come along, most likely, and it'll be good. Won't be what you had with Her--but it never, ever is, it's never the same from one relationship to the next.
She doesn't want to be with you. Period. That's tough to accept. Something that may help (has helped intermittently with me, but I have other issues) is this: you want this person to love you, so be the very very best lovable person you can be, because that is fulfilling what you would want to be for them. Take care, however, to do this with the full and honest acceptance that doing so will not change how she feels about you.
It will change how you feel about yourself, however. Which will, paradoxically, help you let go.
Holding on to TWOGA is safe. It helps insulate against being hurt again, because you're having a relationship in your head where they never fart or criticize you or squeeze from the wrong end of the goddamn toothpaste tube again. And there is nothing wrong with fantasies until they reach the point where they are negatively affecting your day to day life. Allow yourself the story in your head, while accepting--wholly and honestly--that it is just a story.
It's tough, I know. It sucks, I know. And you can live your life, and even fall in love with other women, while still feeling the way you do.
By way of analogy: I pretty much always want chocolate ice cream. That doesn't diminish my enjoyment of salad or tea or going for a walk. Let her be your chocolate ice cream, and at the same time discover the joys of pistachio.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:55 PM on January 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
So don't be in one. I have a One Who Got Away as well, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. On the good days, I think of him with fondness and "that was good, and it's gone." Bad days are "that was good and he is all I want in the world" taking precedence.
Over time, the good days start outnumbering the bad. Or perhaps more accurately, one can hold "that's good and it's gone forever, and I still want to be with him more than I want oxygen, and that is not going to happen" in one's head at the same time.
As for what to do: live your life. Try not to dwell, if you can. When you do have to dwell, if it is healthy for you to do so, really let yourself feel what you are feeling. Loss sucks; it's a hole that will never be filled. But slowly, with time, we can start building over that hole. My feelings for TOWGA didn't change or affect my feelings for the lovely man I dated and loved a year ago--they're just there, and I (most of the time) accept they're just there, and I continue doing as I do.
So do as you do. What energizes you? What fills you with purpose and joy and satisfaction? Do those things. Another lovely woman is going to come along, most likely, and it'll be good. Won't be what you had with Her--but it never, ever is, it's never the same from one relationship to the next.
She doesn't want to be with you. Period. That's tough to accept. Something that may help (has helped intermittently with me, but I have other issues) is this: you want this person to love you, so be the very very best lovable person you can be, because that is fulfilling what you would want to be for them. Take care, however, to do this with the full and honest acceptance that doing so will not change how she feels about you.
It will change how you feel about yourself, however. Which will, paradoxically, help you let go.
Holding on to TWOGA is safe. It helps insulate against being hurt again, because you're having a relationship in your head where they never fart or criticize you or squeeze from the wrong end of the goddamn toothpaste tube again. And there is nothing wrong with fantasies until they reach the point where they are negatively affecting your day to day life. Allow yourself the story in your head, while accepting--wholly and honestly--that it is just a story.
It's tough, I know. It sucks, I know. And you can live your life, and even fall in love with other women, while still feeling the way you do.
By way of analogy: I pretty much always want chocolate ice cream. That doesn't diminish my enjoyment of salad or tea or going for a walk. Let her be your chocolate ice cream, and at the same time discover the joys of pistachio.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:55 PM on January 23, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I am not sure you've changed as much as you think you have. I am just a stranger on the internet reading a question, but I feel like maybe you just miss her and are looking for a reason to re-establish contact. If you had actually changed, turned over a new leaf, became a new man, were ready to commit, etc. I'd say hey, let her know you've done a 180 as one final, last ditch effort and then leave her alone if she doesn't respond. But the thing is, people don't normally do 180 turnarounds. Reading your question, you certainly don't come across as someone who is now free of the issues you mentioned. And, well, she already made her wishes to be left alone clear. I'd just leave her alone and keep working on self-improvement so the next time you fall in love, you won't blow it again.
Your needs are not more important than her needs. She doesn't want to be in your life, therefore you cannot have her in your life. The sooner you accept this, the better.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:11 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
Your needs are not more important than her needs. She doesn't want to be in your life, therefore you cannot have her in your life. The sooner you accept this, the better.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:11 PM on January 23, 2015 [4 favorites]
f you had actually changed, turned over a new leaf, became a new man, were ready to commit, etc. I'd say hey, let her know you've done a 180 as one final, last ditch effort and then leave her alone if she doesn't respond.
The next step is realizing that yes, make the 180--and she doesn't want to hear about it.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:13 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
The next step is realizing that yes, make the 180--and she doesn't want to hear about it.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:13 PM on January 23, 2015 [3 favorites]
you are in a situation where a very painful circumstance is also a very secure one. If you want to get rid of the pain you'll have to give up the security. this is why you have a lot of excuses as to why you can't make any changes to your life or do anything different. Because you don't want to give up the security. I think you should discard this fantasy and put yourself out there.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:27 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 7:27 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you don't want therapy, investigate attachment theory. My counselor is but in to it and while I'm not completely sold I have gained some useful insight from understanding the construct of "avoidant" attachment.
You may think you're not avoidant at first glance because you're keen to hitch up with someone who hasn't talked to you in a year. But you've actually got a "perfect ex" who is all the more perfect for being unavailable and uninterested, because you don't actually have to engage emotionally or experience any of the imperfections that always come with human relationships. Ruminating on a perfect person is also a great reason to not bother meeting other people.
However .... I'm going to recommend therapy anyway. Your post is almost obsessive and a little creepy - I mean, we all have The One Who Got Away, but if I found out I'm the object of someone who "only wants to be with me," who I didn't really ever date seriously in the first place and a year after I cut off contact, well....I would absolutely not reinstate contact.
Therpy or even investigating the underlying reasons for your fixation (which is not because she's perfect but because you're avoiding something) is going to be the key to learning to move on here.
posted by mibo at 8:10 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
You may think you're not avoidant at first glance because you're keen to hitch up with someone who hasn't talked to you in a year. But you've actually got a "perfect ex" who is all the more perfect for being unavailable and uninterested, because you don't actually have to engage emotionally or experience any of the imperfections that always come with human relationships. Ruminating on a perfect person is also a great reason to not bother meeting other people.
However .... I'm going to recommend therapy anyway. Your post is almost obsessive and a little creepy - I mean, we all have The One Who Got Away, but if I found out I'm the object of someone who "only wants to be with me," who I didn't really ever date seriously in the first place and a year after I cut off contact, well....I would absolutely not reinstate contact.
Therpy or even investigating the underlying reasons for your fixation (which is not because she's perfect but because you're avoiding something) is going to be the key to learning to move on here.
posted by mibo at 8:10 PM on January 23, 2015 [2 favorites]
Part of what is giving a hold on this fixation could be guilt.
I've been in a similar position in treating romantic partners badly (although unwittingly) and feeling really guilty about it in hindsight.
If you're prone to depression / isolated by circumstance I could see why this might become a big thing for you.
Therapy generally and working on my self esteem specifically really helped me here.
posted by Middlemarch at 9:13 PM on January 23, 2015
I've been in a similar position in treating romantic partners badly (although unwittingly) and feeling really guilty about it in hindsight.
If you're prone to depression / isolated by circumstance I could see why this might become a big thing for you.
Therapy generally and working on my self esteem specifically really helped me here.
posted by Middlemarch at 9:13 PM on January 23, 2015
My post: If you had actually changed, turned over a new leaf, became a new man, were ready to commit, etc. I'd say hey, let her know you've done a 180 as one final, last ditch effort and then leave her alone if she doesn't respond.
Reply: The next step is realizing that yes, make the 180--and she doesn't want to hear about it.
My point was, which you kind of took out of context, (or maybe I wasn't clear) is this: People generally do not make the changes this guy wishes or thinks he has made. People are who they are. And she does not want to hear from him. And look, she has known him for years -- she definitely knows who he is and she definitely does not want to hear from him.
Again, I reiterate that OP needs to leave this woman alone and let her move on with her life.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:34 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
Reply: The next step is realizing that yes, make the 180--and she doesn't want to hear about it.
My point was, which you kind of took out of context, (or maybe I wasn't clear) is this: People generally do not make the changes this guy wishes or thinks he has made. People are who they are. And she does not want to hear from him. And look, she has known him for years -- she definitely knows who he is and she definitely does not want to hear from him.
Again, I reiterate that OP needs to leave this woman alone and let her move on with her life.
posted by AppleTurnover at 1:34 AM on January 24, 2015 [2 favorites]
What would you do if this woman died today? Do that, because she has basically told you that she is dead to you. Mourn or whatever, and then go about your life being happily single without trying to justify it by saying that you're still waiting for her.
posted by anaelith at 9:50 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by anaelith at 9:50 AM on January 24, 2015 [3 favorites]
You are making me think of that episode of How I Met Your Mother, where Ted got back with this girl he'd broken up with really callously because of his own shit because he realized she was a great person, only to then break up with her a SECOND TIME really callously because he actually was still the same person he always was.
The general consensus was that he should've left her alone, because all he did was dick her around a second time.
posted by spunweb at 6:00 PM on January 24, 2015
The general consensus was that he should've left her alone, because all he did was dick her around a second time.
posted by spunweb at 6:00 PM on January 24, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
Take the lessons and use them to help yourself be happy; there will be someone else for you.
posted by Sebmojo at 1:37 PM on January 23, 2015 [7 favorites]