Help me last longer [nfsw]
June 26, 2010 7:46 PM Subscribe
I'm a 24yr old guy and I have a problem with premature ejaculation. I think it's partly erectile dysfunction as I don't feel as hard as I used to and partly premature ejaculation as I last for a couple of minutes post 10+ mins of intense foreplay.. What should I do?
My last relationship lasted two years and ended about a year ago. It was during college and it was first time for both of us and throughout the relationship, we had a seemingly frequent sex life - multiple times/per week with a lot of makingout sessions/foreplay/sex/kisses, etc - initiated equally by both of us. She was sort of disgusted with the going down on her idea so we never did that but she liked giving blowjobs - with me wearing a condom (no cleanliness issue - she just preferred flavored condoms). When we started initially, she wouldn't be able to have intercourse for over 5-6 minutes and would ask me to stop - not of of pain or anything, but just saying she couldn't take it anymore.. I don't think she reached orgasm but it used to be close and she said she's feeling content and getting very weird feelings in her tummy and doesn't want more.. Over the next couple of months, she was able to handle it for a longer duration and we both would be at it for over 10 mins - both reaching orgasm in around that much time..
Then, I gained 20-25lbs of weight and was under some stress and it sort of started affecting our sex life.. After foreplay (which was awesome!), I would get done within a couple of minutes. Blowjobs after foreplay would last longer but intercourse was almost always within a couple of minutes. We had a great chemistry and attachment with a lot of kisses/making out sessions throughout our relationship but intercourse started being toooo fast.. I think I was getting too excited too soon.. I felt bad that I wasn't able to go all the way for her but she was very supportive during this.. It did affect me - I enjoyed foreplay more than sex but I liked making her feel what she was feeling as we went all the way.. I loved watching her face and eyes and her reactions to how it was affecting her (in a niceway).
We tried alternate things - The start-stop technique often suggested wouldn't work as she didn't like those mini breaks during intercourse and they killed the feeling for her.. I tried to distract myself during intercourse by doing things like like listening to music/podcasts etc and those did help in making me last longer but it was just a little more than a couple of minutes.. Plus it sort of killed the mood for her.. We tried different condoms, cockrings, etc as well and they helped to some extent (Durex her pleasure) but not enough..
Now I am no longer in that relationship and it's been a year since I've been intimate with someone - I've lost all the extra weight, am seemingly more fit than I was when we started - things are going well so not much stress apart from normal work pressue but even as I masturbate (watching porn), I tend to come too soon - within a couple of minutes. I've been masturbating since last 7-8 years but the time has reduce drastically through the last few years..
I'm afraid of this as I date other girls and also afraid about it for the rest of my life.. What should I do to get over this and last longer. I realize there are other things to do to help your partner get done but lasting a couple of minutes would in my guess be a dealbreaker to most girls. I'm stressed about this and also anxious - not sure what to do.. Should I approach a doctor - general practitioner/urologist? What else should I try? this is affecting me as I am afraid of approaching girls for a relationship as sooner or later this will come up.. Please help!!!
throaway email address askmefithrowaway at gmail.com
My last relationship lasted two years and ended about a year ago. It was during college and it was first time for both of us and throughout the relationship, we had a seemingly frequent sex life - multiple times/per week with a lot of makingout sessions/foreplay/sex/kisses, etc - initiated equally by both of us. She was sort of disgusted with the going down on her idea so we never did that but she liked giving blowjobs - with me wearing a condom (no cleanliness issue - she just preferred flavored condoms). When we started initially, she wouldn't be able to have intercourse for over 5-6 minutes and would ask me to stop - not of of pain or anything, but just saying she couldn't take it anymore.. I don't think she reached orgasm but it used to be close and she said she's feeling content and getting very weird feelings in her tummy and doesn't want more.. Over the next couple of months, she was able to handle it for a longer duration and we both would be at it for over 10 mins - both reaching orgasm in around that much time..
Then, I gained 20-25lbs of weight and was under some stress and it sort of started affecting our sex life.. After foreplay (which was awesome!), I would get done within a couple of minutes. Blowjobs after foreplay would last longer but intercourse was almost always within a couple of minutes. We had a great chemistry and attachment with a lot of kisses/making out sessions throughout our relationship but intercourse started being toooo fast.. I think I was getting too excited too soon.. I felt bad that I wasn't able to go all the way for her but she was very supportive during this.. It did affect me - I enjoyed foreplay more than sex but I liked making her feel what she was feeling as we went all the way.. I loved watching her face and eyes and her reactions to how it was affecting her (in a niceway).
We tried alternate things - The start-stop technique often suggested wouldn't work as she didn't like those mini breaks during intercourse and they killed the feeling for her.. I tried to distract myself during intercourse by doing things like like listening to music/podcasts etc and those did help in making me last longer but it was just a little more than a couple of minutes.. Plus it sort of killed the mood for her.. We tried different condoms, cockrings, etc as well and they helped to some extent (Durex her pleasure) but not enough..
Now I am no longer in that relationship and it's been a year since I've been intimate with someone - I've lost all the extra weight, am seemingly more fit than I was when we started - things are going well so not much stress apart from normal work pressue but even as I masturbate (watching porn), I tend to come too soon - within a couple of minutes. I've been masturbating since last 7-8 years but the time has reduce drastically through the last few years..
I'm afraid of this as I date other girls and also afraid about it for the rest of my life.. What should I do to get over this and last longer. I realize there are other things to do to help your partner get done but lasting a couple of minutes would in my guess be a dealbreaker to most girls. I'm stressed about this and also anxious - not sure what to do.. Should I approach a doctor - general practitioner/urologist? What else should I try? this is affecting me as I am afraid of approaching girls for a relationship as sooner or later this will come up.. Please help!!!
throaway email address askmefithrowaway at gmail.com
I highly recommend reading Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship by David Schnarch. He's a clinical psychologist who writes about the interaction between physical issues (weight, fitness, circulation etc) and psychological issues (anxiety about premature ejaculation) in causing sexual difficulties.
Most premature ejaculation is caused by anxiety. It could be "am I going to come too soon" anxiety or "what if she doesn't come" anxiety, or "what if she wants to be my girlfriend and I just want a hookup" anxiety or "what if she doesn't want to be my girlfriend?" anxiety.
Basically, the more you stress about premature ejaculation, the more it will become a problem.
Instead, try taking penetrative sex off the table at first - have the first few times in bed with a new partner be about kissing, playing with her breasts, oral sex, mutual masturbation, your fingers in her vagina, anilingus (with a dental dam, for safe sex reasons, please ^_^) etc. etc - anything that you both enjoy that doesn't involve penis-in-vagina sex.
Also, if you bring your partner to orgasm with oral sex each time before you start having penis-in-vagina sex, she will be a lot less concerned with how long you can maintain an erection.
posted by Year of meteors at 8:10 PM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Most premature ejaculation is caused by anxiety. It could be "am I going to come too soon" anxiety or "what if she doesn't come" anxiety, or "what if she wants to be my girlfriend and I just want a hookup" anxiety or "what if she doesn't want to be my girlfriend?" anxiety.
Basically, the more you stress about premature ejaculation, the more it will become a problem.
Instead, try taking penetrative sex off the table at first - have the first few times in bed with a new partner be about kissing, playing with her breasts, oral sex, mutual masturbation, your fingers in her vagina, anilingus (with a dental dam, for safe sex reasons, please ^_^) etc. etc - anything that you both enjoy that doesn't involve penis-in-vagina sex.
Also, if you bring your partner to orgasm with oral sex each time before you start having penis-in-vagina sex, she will be a lot less concerned with how long you can maintain an erection.
posted by Year of meteors at 8:10 PM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, if you bring your partner to orgasm with oral sex each time before you start having penis-in-vagina sex, she will be a lot less concerned with how long you can maintain an erection.
Also, if you're sleeping with women who are jerks about how long you can keep it up, you should probably stop doing that. An understanding partner goes a long way.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:23 PM on June 26, 2010
Also, if you're sleeping with women who are jerks about how long you can keep it up, you should probably stop doing that. An understanding partner goes a long way.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 8:23 PM on June 26, 2010
Also, if you bring your partner to orgasm with oral sex each time before you start having penis-in-vagina sex, she will be a lot less concerned with how long you can maintain an erection.
I'm not sure who started this rumor (and maybe it's true for some women) but IMHO advice consisting of "just get her off first then she won't care what you do!" is a leading cause of boring and/or unsatisfying sex. It doesn't work like that.
posted by fshgrl at 8:56 PM on June 26, 2010 [9 favorites]
I'm not sure who started this rumor (and maybe it's true for some women) but IMHO advice consisting of "just get her off first then she won't care what you do!" is a leading cause of boring and/or unsatisfying sex. It doesn't work like that.
posted by fshgrl at 8:56 PM on June 26, 2010 [9 favorites]
Also, if you're sleeping with women who are jerks about how long you can keep it up, you should probably stop doing that. An understanding partner goes a long way.
Yes, this too. ^_^
Sex isn't just about erections.
I had a lover once whose poorly-managed diabetes interfered with his erections.
But I still really enjoyed the kissing, oral sex, cuddling etc and still really looked forward to spending time with him.
Repeated loss of erections was a bit annoying/frustrating at times, but to be honest, I think it bothered him far more than it bothered me.
Loss of an erection happens to every man at some point, whether from tiredness, lack of sleep, too much alcohol, anxiety, or health issues. Seriously, out of several male partners, I can only think of one who has never lost an erection.
It's really not as much of a big deal as men seem to think it is. ^_^
posted by Year of meteors at 9:05 PM on June 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, this too. ^_^
Sex isn't just about erections.
I had a lover once whose poorly-managed diabetes interfered with his erections.
But I still really enjoyed the kissing, oral sex, cuddling etc and still really looked forward to spending time with him.
Repeated loss of erections was a bit annoying/frustrating at times, but to be honest, I think it bothered him far more than it bothered me.
Loss of an erection happens to every man at some point, whether from tiredness, lack of sleep, too much alcohol, anxiety, or health issues. Seriously, out of several male partners, I can only think of one who has never lost an erection.
It's really not as much of a big deal as men seem to think it is. ^_^
posted by Year of meteors at 9:05 PM on June 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
fshgrl, I would beg to differ. If you satisfy your partner first, generally they will be generous in doing what it takes to help satisfy you. Of course, you shouldn't always approach sex with a "your turn, my turn" attitude, but sometimes it helps in these kinds of situations.
Mostly though, I'd say you shouldn't worry so much about this. Typically the time required to achieve your goal while masturbating is less than when your with a partner. Relax, enjoy being with your partner, prolong the foreplay (it's great that you enjoy it!), and be generous with helping her achieve orgasm. She will certainly appreciate it and be happy to return the favor!
posted by bloody_bonnie at 10:37 PM on June 26, 2010
Mostly though, I'd say you shouldn't worry so much about this. Typically the time required to achieve your goal while masturbating is less than when your with a partner. Relax, enjoy being with your partner, prolong the foreplay (it's great that you enjoy it!), and be generous with helping her achieve orgasm. She will certainly appreciate it and be happy to return the favor!
posted by bloody_bonnie at 10:37 PM on June 26, 2010
May I make a simple suggestion? Fuck for a while, and when you feel like you're getting close, stop and do something else to her for a bit. I mean, sex isn't a process, where once you start something you can't stop until you're done. Change it up, yo.
note: never, ever say "change it up, yo" while having sex, not even in your head, because you will start laughing
posted by davejay at 10:49 PM on June 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
note: never, ever say "change it up, yo" while having sex, not even in your head, because you will start laughing
posted by davejay at 10:49 PM on June 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
Ack. Do something else WITH her. WITH her. Don't send me memail. It was a bad word choice because it's late and I'm somewhat distracted. Argh.
posted by davejay at 10:51 PM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by davejay at 10:51 PM on June 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
fshgrl, I COMPLETELY differ from your statement. In fact, I bet I pretty much started that rumor... :)
OP, you sound like a great guy who is similar to my irreplaceable boyfriend in a number of ways. He doesn't always have the best...ummmm....mind control either, but he is such a lover! ("I love watching her face and her eyes..." That's him all day long!) When a guy is genuine about that, the (worthwhile) woman is not going to really care about whether the guy comes too soon. In fact, I take that as a compliment to my own awesomeness. What he does to kind of "make up for it" is get really creative about the manner in he gets me off. Today, it was something about "two fingers and a thumb." Who knows what it will be tomorrow? I can't wait to find out! I can tell you it will have very little to do with "traditional" penis-vagina whatnot. :)
Even better for all concerned is the fact that once he gets me off, in whatever weird way he figures out, his self-esteem, as it were, picks right back up again. Then we get to do more cool stuff, because he knows how I love him and he's all "I satisfied my woman!" I don't even know what I'm doing sitting here typing on metafilter when there's this awesome guy in my bed! I hope this helped, because that's all you're getting from me tonight!
posted by deep thought sunstar at 2:27 AM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
OP, you sound like a great guy who is similar to my irreplaceable boyfriend in a number of ways. He doesn't always have the best...ummmm....mind control either, but he is such a lover! ("I love watching her face and her eyes..." That's him all day long!) When a guy is genuine about that, the (worthwhile) woman is not going to really care about whether the guy comes too soon. In fact, I take that as a compliment to my own awesomeness. What he does to kind of "make up for it" is get really creative about the manner in he gets me off. Today, it was something about "two fingers and a thumb." Who knows what it will be tomorrow? I can't wait to find out! I can tell you it will have very little to do with "traditional" penis-vagina whatnot. :)
Even better for all concerned is the fact that once he gets me off, in whatever weird way he figures out, his self-esteem, as it were, picks right back up again. Then we get to do more cool stuff, because he knows how I love him and he's all "I satisfied my woman!" I don't even know what I'm doing sitting here typing on metafilter when there's this awesome guy in my bed! I hope this helped, because that's all you're getting from me tonight!
posted by deep thought sunstar at 2:27 AM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Close your eyes and think of England" is old advice for a different issue, but it is not without it's merits.
posted by fairmettle at 5:35 AM on June 27, 2010
posted by fairmettle at 5:35 AM on June 27, 2010
A lot of helpful things have already been said, especially reading anything by David Schnarch.
A couple of quick tips:
1) You can continue the stop/start technique on your own. Masturbate for a while but when you get close to orgasm, stop and wait a few. Lay on your back to prevent blood from reaching your penis.
2) Lay off the porn. It affects your mind and releases chemicals in your brain (dopamine) that interfere with future sex with a partner. You get a "high" off porn but not the same high when you are with a women. That leads to a lack of interest in your partner. It also is creates unrealistic expectations of women and can even objectify them to the point of being sub-human. Ejaculating on a woman's face has about as much to do with sex as punching her.
3) If you end up in a relationship and this is still a problem, I would look into something called Sensate Focus. It is a series of techniques that takes the pressure of erections/orgasms and refocuses your mind on knowing your body and your partners body. It takes patience, discipline, and a willing partner.
4) See a doctor in conjunction with a marriage and family therapist. What you are describing happens in over 50% of couple at some point. You're not alone.
Brian
posted by WhiteWhale at 7:24 AM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
A couple of quick tips:
1) You can continue the stop/start technique on your own. Masturbate for a while but when you get close to orgasm, stop and wait a few. Lay on your back to prevent blood from reaching your penis.
2) Lay off the porn. It affects your mind and releases chemicals in your brain (dopamine) that interfere with future sex with a partner. You get a "high" off porn but not the same high when you are with a women. That leads to a lack of interest in your partner. It also is creates unrealistic expectations of women and can even objectify them to the point of being sub-human. Ejaculating on a woman's face has about as much to do with sex as punching her.
3) If you end up in a relationship and this is still a problem, I would look into something called Sensate Focus. It is a series of techniques that takes the pressure of erections/orgasms and refocuses your mind on knowing your body and your partners body. It takes patience, discipline, and a willing partner.
4) See a doctor in conjunction with a marriage and family therapist. What you are describing happens in over 50% of couple at some point. You're not alone.
Brian
posted by WhiteWhale at 7:24 AM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ejaculating on a woman's face has about as much to do with sex as punching her.
I dare you to tell that to my wife. Different strokes, different folks, and there's no contradiction between being a hardcore feminist and a dirty pervert.
What you are describing happens in over 50% of couple at some point.
I would have guessed 99%. I don't have this issue normally, but once in a while it happens. I've learned how to tell that it's coming (so to speak) and how to slow things down. Mostly that means literally slowing down, as well as taking breaks, changing positions, all the old stuff like that. Even so, sometimes things happen faster and sometimes slower, and no woman has ever left me over that.
I'm afraid of this as I date other girls and also afraid about it for the rest of my life.... but lasting a couple of minutes would in my guess be a dealbreaker to most girls.
It's the fear that's bad, not the sex. Shortish sex (as in a few minutes, not a few seconds) isn't a dealbreaker for most women, as you can tell from answers above. But the fear can be crippling. If you could find the right therapist, that might really help. Best will be finding the right kind of awesome girlfriend who likes you and likes sex and helps you feel good about whatever kind of sex you end up having.
posted by Forktine at 8:28 AM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
I dare you to tell that to my wife. Different strokes, different folks, and there's no contradiction between being a hardcore feminist and a dirty pervert.
What you are describing happens in over 50% of couple at some point.
I would have guessed 99%. I don't have this issue normally, but once in a while it happens. I've learned how to tell that it's coming (so to speak) and how to slow things down. Mostly that means literally slowing down, as well as taking breaks, changing positions, all the old stuff like that. Even so, sometimes things happen faster and sometimes slower, and no woman has ever left me over that.
I'm afraid of this as I date other girls and also afraid about it for the rest of my life.... but lasting a couple of minutes would in my guess be a dealbreaker to most girls.
It's the fear that's bad, not the sex. Shortish sex (as in a few minutes, not a few seconds) isn't a dealbreaker for most women, as you can tell from answers above. But the fear can be crippling. If you could find the right therapist, that might really help. Best will be finding the right kind of awesome girlfriend who likes you and likes sex and helps you feel good about whatever kind of sex you end up having.
posted by Forktine at 8:28 AM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
From my female point of view, it's much more important for all the other expressions of sex to be good, than for a guy to last a long time, and for a guy to be playful, sharing and fun to be with. Learn to be very good at oral.
posted by theora55 at 9:20 AM on June 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 9:20 AM on June 27, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, go to your doctor and have things check out... but if everything is good, then my suggestion is, don't sweat it.
My last lover had this difficulty... when we first started having sex, he couldn't make it through foreplay without ejaculating. But by the end of our two year relationship (our paths went in separate directions, we didn't split up or anything) we were having *great* sex!
The "get her off first and she won't care what you do" approach might work with some people but not with me because once I'm turned on, I'm insatiable, I'm multi-orgasmic and need time after sex to calm down. I say that so you'll know that some women won't be satisfied with "getting off" once.
Also, I despise being the recipient of oral sex - hate it, hate it, hate it, so that won't work on all women.
What we did was take it slow. Some of our play sessions lasted for hours! At first it was mostly foreplay, but we worked our way up to prolonged penetration. We'd go until he was to his "breaking point" then as davejay said "change it up." Those "mini breaks" you spoke of in the original post? Don't stop having sex, that certainly will kill the mood! ^_^ Just do something different that doesn't involve her touching your penis...
With my last lover and I, it took a while, some laughs, a little frustration on both of our parts, but in the end, it was totally worth it. Neither of us left the bedroom unsatisfied.
What you need is a partner who's understanding and willing to play rather than just have sex. I mean, IMO sex should be fun as well as an expression of your emotions. Don't be so serious about it.
posted by patheral at 10:48 AM on June 27, 2010
My last lover had this difficulty... when we first started having sex, he couldn't make it through foreplay without ejaculating. But by the end of our two year relationship (our paths went in separate directions, we didn't split up or anything) we were having *great* sex!
The "get her off first and she won't care what you do" approach might work with some people but not with me because once I'm turned on, I'm insatiable, I'm multi-orgasmic and need time after sex to calm down. I say that so you'll know that some women won't be satisfied with "getting off" once.
Also, I despise being the recipient of oral sex - hate it, hate it, hate it, so that won't work on all women.
What we did was take it slow. Some of our play sessions lasted for hours! At first it was mostly foreplay, but we worked our way up to prolonged penetration. We'd go until he was to his "breaking point" then as davejay said "change it up." Those "mini breaks" you spoke of in the original post? Don't stop having sex, that certainly will kill the mood! ^_^ Just do something different that doesn't involve her touching your penis...
With my last lover and I, it took a while, some laughs, a little frustration on both of our parts, but in the end, it was totally worth it. Neither of us left the bedroom unsatisfied.
What you need is a partner who's understanding and willing to play rather than just have sex. I mean, IMO sex should be fun as well as an expression of your emotions. Don't be so serious about it.
posted by patheral at 10:48 AM on June 27, 2010
there's no contradiction between being a hardcore feminist and a dirty pervert.
QFT, because this usually needs to be repeated many times before it sinks in, and a lot of people struggle with this.
I, too, highly recommend Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship by David Schnarch. He is a very gifted therapist and writer with a unique and appropriately nuanced perspective on the interaction between medical/physical issues and psychological ones. His advice on learning to soothe yourself and regulate your own anxiety during sex is excellent, and it's useful whether or not you're currently in a relationship.
posted by velvet winter at 12:30 PM on June 27, 2010
QFT, because this usually needs to be repeated many times before it sinks in, and a lot of people struggle with this.
I, too, highly recommend Resurrecting Sex: Resolving Sexual Problems and Rejuvenating Your Relationship by David Schnarch. He is a very gifted therapist and writer with a unique and appropriately nuanced perspective on the interaction between medical/physical issues and psychological ones. His advice on learning to soothe yourself and regulate your own anxiety during sex is excellent, and it's useful whether or not you're currently in a relationship.
posted by velvet winter at 12:30 PM on June 27, 2010
this is affecting me as I am afraid of approaching girls for a relationship as sooner or later this will come up.. Please help!!!
I really would not stress out on this too much. Most girls can deal with this or have dealt with similar issues. I think in most cases, the insecurity is more a problem than the actual thing you are insecure about. For most women, the physical stuff takes a back seat to the emotional part, anyway. Maybe just a warning that you've been having problems with it would be enough, but I wouldn't even do that. Over time, couples tend to find ways to work these kinds of things out. Hell, part of the fun of being with someone regularly is figuring out each others bodies, etc.
At this point, I'd chalk up your problem to being a bad match with that particular girl. If it keeps going with more women, then I'd start being concerned, but I have a feeling you'll be fine.
posted by empath at 12:50 PM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
I really would not stress out on this too much. Most girls can deal with this or have dealt with similar issues. I think in most cases, the insecurity is more a problem than the actual thing you are insecure about. For most women, the physical stuff takes a back seat to the emotional part, anyway. Maybe just a warning that you've been having problems with it would be enough, but I wouldn't even do that. Over time, couples tend to find ways to work these kinds of things out. Hell, part of the fun of being with someone regularly is figuring out each others bodies, etc.
At this point, I'd chalk up your problem to being a bad match with that particular girl. If it keeps going with more women, then I'd start being concerned, but I have a feeling you'll be fine.
posted by empath at 12:50 PM on June 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
This isn't possible for everyone but unless I missed it you didn't mention it's out of the question for you--have you considered letting yourself come right away and practicing to be able to stay hard after that first time for a while? 'Cause, um, my partner is a lot like you and always has been, but it's never been something I mind at all, in fact I consider myself the luckiest gal in the world because he knows how to clean up after that immediate first orgasm and keep going for as long as either of us want after that (and it is so awesome!). Most of the time he even comes a second time; early in our relationship when we were still in the standard rabbit-y lust phase it wasn't uncommon for him to come like, four times in a single evening (which, yeah, is pretty crazy). What is your mood and refractory period afterward like and would you consider attempting something like that?
posted by ifjuly at 2:53 PM on June 29, 2010
posted by ifjuly at 2:53 PM on June 29, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 7:58 PM on June 26, 2010