Need more joy + fun in 2015.. so.. how?
January 1, 2015 3:47 AM
There has been a deficit of both for a long time and I know this needs to change, but am stuck on the 'how'. I am embarrassed to admit I have actually googled 'how to have more fun'. Granted, I'm sure more embarrassing searches happen but this feels a weirdly clinical thing to try. Wall of text inside..
I have a lifelong struggle with depression - although I am not always depressed, I often am. I am in therapy and am newly on meds after a long resistance. I probably don't exercise enough (it never gave me a whole lot of pleasure tbh) but I walk a lot and do yoga and martial arts now and again. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and a narcissistic parent and I know struggling with joy can go with this territory. I've been through a lot in my life, consequently can struggle a lot to have faith in others (and my own judgement) and this has definitely worsened over the years. I saw a picture a while back -outlines of bodies a baby, little kid, big kid and adult. The baby has a huge full heart and in each progressive picture the heart has shrunk/been crushed a bit more. Sadly, it resonated a lot.
I want to make it clear that it's not like I never laugh and that every minute is doom and gloom. That would be a misrepresentation. Just yesterday I watched something that make me laugh until my belly heart. It was like gold dust.. few things do that these days. I can enjoy a sharp observation about life and when on good form people seem to find me reasonably amusing. I do get joy from truly connecting with others and know I can have walls up. I know also I can be drawn to somewhat edgy/exciting personalities and that that hasn't always gone well in the grander schema.
I engage in 'culture' but tend to gravitate to 'trample on your soul' films and books about the mind or tortured souls. I know.. I know.. maybe I need more balance here (and that this is 'indulging' the dark side) and any recommendations for stuff that has a bit of this with an ultimate message of hope would be welcomed but I struggle to get into fiction or mainstream film. I find a lot of American humour in films kind of crass and have to look hard for British stuff I like. These days I can struggle to laugh at myself, which is a real fucker and never used to be so.
I have a cat who makes me laugh at times and have thought about fostering more animals but she is skittish and rescued so not sure if a viable option. I often find kids fun and pure and a joy but find friends with them seem to retreat into a privatised family lifestyle and am not sure I'm in the emotional place to commit to being a mentor or something... also I work with the disenfranchised and am not convinced how good it is for me at times, but its my trade.
I have probably tried every course under the sun, but I am in a smallish city and the local college and teaching have so far been pretty crap - and can college really give a person joy???
I am a creative at heart, I'd like to try sculpting (but money is tight) and I go to acting school which has moments of joy and rush.
I recently fell in love which was the greatest joy I had felt for a long time. But it was complicated and had a definite shelf life :( so now I'm left with heartache. I have been celibate for 5 years (the love relationship wasn't consummated). I am in my 30's so my libido can be through the effin roof at times.. last biological push for a baby? I've been in a clinch with someone I think I could work with in that way (and the body says yes) but the mind and heart long for so much more.. someone I want to know and be physical with. Part of me thinks the pleasures of the flesh may bring some joy whilst protecting the heart (we aren't suited emotionally - he is fun-ish but kind of depth-less). Five years is a long time!
I haven't had a holiday for years (can't afford one right now) - but most of my friends are coupled and I don't like going abroad at least alone.
So there's some context. In my darkest hours I feel a life with little joy and fun is not worth living, the positive side is when I do feel it, I value it very much. So I guess my question is where and how do I start to feel more alive? I don't want that to hinge on the possibility of romantic involvement.. I'm gun shy of all that and feel it's too much pressure to put on that potential side of life. I try to look at trees a bit etc but it doesn't truly hit the spot for me. Sorry trees.
Happy New Year.
I have a lifelong struggle with depression - although I am not always depressed, I often am. I am in therapy and am newly on meds after a long resistance. I probably don't exercise enough (it never gave me a whole lot of pleasure tbh) but I walk a lot and do yoga and martial arts now and again. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and a narcissistic parent and I know struggling with joy can go with this territory. I've been through a lot in my life, consequently can struggle a lot to have faith in others (and my own judgement) and this has definitely worsened over the years. I saw a picture a while back -outlines of bodies a baby, little kid, big kid and adult. The baby has a huge full heart and in each progressive picture the heart has shrunk/been crushed a bit more. Sadly, it resonated a lot.
I want to make it clear that it's not like I never laugh and that every minute is doom and gloom. That would be a misrepresentation. Just yesterday I watched something that make me laugh until my belly heart. It was like gold dust.. few things do that these days. I can enjoy a sharp observation about life and when on good form people seem to find me reasonably amusing. I do get joy from truly connecting with others and know I can have walls up. I know also I can be drawn to somewhat edgy/exciting personalities and that that hasn't always gone well in the grander schema.
I engage in 'culture' but tend to gravitate to 'trample on your soul' films and books about the mind or tortured souls. I know.. I know.. maybe I need more balance here (and that this is 'indulging' the dark side) and any recommendations for stuff that has a bit of this with an ultimate message of hope would be welcomed but I struggle to get into fiction or mainstream film. I find a lot of American humour in films kind of crass and have to look hard for British stuff I like. These days I can struggle to laugh at myself, which is a real fucker and never used to be so.
I have a cat who makes me laugh at times and have thought about fostering more animals but she is skittish and rescued so not sure if a viable option. I often find kids fun and pure and a joy but find friends with them seem to retreat into a privatised family lifestyle and am not sure I'm in the emotional place to commit to being a mentor or something... also I work with the disenfranchised and am not convinced how good it is for me at times, but its my trade.
I have probably tried every course under the sun, but I am in a smallish city and the local college and teaching have so far been pretty crap - and can college really give a person joy???
I am a creative at heart, I'd like to try sculpting (but money is tight) and I go to acting school which has moments of joy and rush.
I recently fell in love which was the greatest joy I had felt for a long time. But it was complicated and had a definite shelf life :( so now I'm left with heartache. I have been celibate for 5 years (the love relationship wasn't consummated). I am in my 30's so my libido can be through the effin roof at times.. last biological push for a baby? I've been in a clinch with someone I think I could work with in that way (and the body says yes) but the mind and heart long for so much more.. someone I want to know and be physical with. Part of me thinks the pleasures of the flesh may bring some joy whilst protecting the heart (we aren't suited emotionally - he is fun-ish but kind of depth-less). Five years is a long time!
I haven't had a holiday for years (can't afford one right now) - but most of my friends are coupled and I don't like going abroad at least alone.
So there's some context. In my darkest hours I feel a life with little joy and fun is not worth living, the positive side is when I do feel it, I value it very much. So I guess my question is where and how do I start to feel more alive? I don't want that to hinge on the possibility of romantic involvement.. I'm gun shy of all that and feel it's too much pressure to put on that potential side of life. I try to look at trees a bit etc but it doesn't truly hit the spot for me. Sorry trees.
Happy New Year.
You say that you're in therapy and newly on meds. How newly? Because medication takes time to work, and that bleakness, that inability to grab those highs often enough for them to be soul-nourishing, the feeling that only the most spectacular is worth labeling as happy? That's what the right medication can help you with. But it will take some time. Maybe a couple months, maybe more. Therapy is gradual too, but done right they bolster one another.
If you're a creative and you are lacking funds, the cheapest creative hobby is writing. Look at your question; you've already got all the tools you need. Writing might also help you find a different and more diverse social group, both online and off. The age you're (we're) at is so hard, because people do seem to be pairing off and disappearing. The way I'm getting around this is to broaden who I am willing to put effort into getting to know. Try to meet people who are of different ages, interests, habits.
Since you have trouble clicking with a lot of mainstream humor and you're coming at acting from an inside perspective, have you tried experiencing art that has much less to do with words? What about instrumental music or dance? Not doing it yourself, but have you tried attending concerts and performances that are strongly musical? For me even in my lowest and darkest, if I can force myself to a live show, I can usually grab one or two moments of frisson bliss. Music lets you ascribe what you want onto it - it doesn't push you to feel what a writer wants you to feel or think certain things are funny or truthful if you disagree.
posted by Mizu at 4:21 AM on January 1, 2015
If you're a creative and you are lacking funds, the cheapest creative hobby is writing. Look at your question; you've already got all the tools you need. Writing might also help you find a different and more diverse social group, both online and off. The age you're (we're) at is so hard, because people do seem to be pairing off and disappearing. The way I'm getting around this is to broaden who I am willing to put effort into getting to know. Try to meet people who are of different ages, interests, habits.
Since you have trouble clicking with a lot of mainstream humor and you're coming at acting from an inside perspective, have you tried experiencing art that has much less to do with words? What about instrumental music or dance? Not doing it yourself, but have you tried attending concerts and performances that are strongly musical? For me even in my lowest and darkest, if I can force myself to a live show, I can usually grab one or two moments of frisson bliss. Music lets you ascribe what you want onto it - it doesn't push you to feel what a writer wants you to feel or think certain things are funny or truthful if you disagree.
posted by Mizu at 4:21 AM on January 1, 2015
You might enjoy working through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. It offers a 12-week programme for jump starting your creativity and having fun doing so. Most of the proposed activities are free or cheap, and you should be able to get the book at your local library.
posted by rpfields at 4:22 AM on January 1, 2015
posted by rpfields at 4:22 AM on January 1, 2015
Ha! You're awesome. You mis-typed this:
"Just yesterday I watched something that make me laugh until my belly heart."
Emphasis mine.
In fact, your heart and your stomach share the same types of cells.
You say you struggle with depression? There's a scientific study (or a few) that prove walking in nature (grass, trees, beach, ponds or lakes) alleviates feelings of depression and help you process stress or trauma.
You're on the right track. I suggest going outside more. Try planting a garden (maybe volunteer at a local community garden?) Studies show there are microbes in dirt that help you feel more psychologically stable.
Just keep going. Keep at it. You're on the right track. You'll get there!
posted by jbenben at 4:22 AM on January 1, 2015
"Just yesterday I watched something that make me laugh until my belly heart."
Emphasis mine.
In fact, your heart and your stomach share the same types of cells.
You say you struggle with depression? There's a scientific study (or a few) that prove walking in nature (grass, trees, beach, ponds or lakes) alleviates feelings of depression and help you process stress or trauma.
You're on the right track. I suggest going outside more. Try planting a garden (maybe volunteer at a local community garden?) Studies show there are microbes in dirt that help you feel more psychologically stable.
Just keep going. Keep at it. You're on the right track. You'll get there!
posted by jbenben at 4:22 AM on January 1, 2015
My experience has been that having fun is actually pretty hard. I think my culture (U.S.) has unrealistic expectations about how much fun we're supposed to be having (SO MUCH FUN/ALL THE TIME).
Discovering what you like is hard and I think can only be done through trial and error. That thing that made you laugh? Take 5 minutes and make a list of everything that comes to mind that is similar/related to that thing. Try out each of them in turn and repeat "the making a list" exercise with each. Some things will be really blah, but that's OK, you're discovering!
posted by CMcG at 5:57 AM on January 1, 2015
Discovering what you like is hard and I think can only be done through trial and error. That thing that made you laugh? Take 5 minutes and make a list of everything that comes to mind that is similar/related to that thing. Try out each of them in turn and repeat "the making a list" exercise with each. Some things will be really blah, but that's OK, you're discovering!
posted by CMcG at 5:57 AM on January 1, 2015
You said you're in acting school - what about (comedy) improv classes? From what I've heard, it's a good way to plumb the depths of one's neuroses and fears and turn them into humor, and also a good way to meet people who are interested in having lots of fun.
posted by lunasol at 6:11 AM on January 1, 2015
posted by lunasol at 6:11 AM on January 1, 2015
Do things that speak to that child who had a full heart. What would a seven-year-old you love? You enjoy sculpture. What's the little kid version? Legos, maybe? Give yourself permission to dork out. I sing all of the time. I sing silly, nonsense, sometimes rhyming songs. I sing to the cats and will sometimes make up dances that go along with them. I dance at the cats, the cats stare at me like I have three heads, and I laugh. It's absurd and it's fun.
Indulge little kid you as much as possible. Listen closely for internal words of judgement that may bubble up. Thank them for being there and trying to protect you as an adult from pain, or looking foolish, or being rejected. Then go on with your tiny you dorkfest.
Also, sometimes dealing with depression means that you're numb or feel that the darkness will never lessen its grip. Sometimes it requires a leap of faith that one day you will find the corn funny.
posted by batbat at 6:30 AM on January 1, 2015
Indulge little kid you as much as possible. Listen closely for internal words of judgement that may bubble up. Thank them for being there and trying to protect you as an adult from pain, or looking foolish, or being rejected. Then go on with your tiny you dorkfest.
Also, sometimes dealing with depression means that you're numb or feel that the darkness will never lessen its grip. Sometimes it requires a leap of faith that one day you will find the corn funny.
posted by batbat at 6:30 AM on January 1, 2015
Maybe if you increase your baseline level of happiness, those utter-joy moments will be easier to reach. You might find some ideas to try in The Happiness Project.
posted by lakeroon at 6:30 AM on January 1, 2015
posted by lakeroon at 6:30 AM on January 1, 2015
Go dancing! I'd suggest some sort of called dancing where you are forced to interact with a lot of people, like line dancing or contra dancing, but any dancing will get you moving, put you in a place with other people, and bring music into your days.
I don't know that it should be dancing lessons, because that can put you in an, "Am I good or not?" mindset, which isn't what you want. Just dance with people who are teaching and learning and having fun all at once.
posted by xingcat at 6:39 AM on January 1, 2015
I don't know that it should be dancing lessons, because that can put you in an, "Am I good or not?" mindset, which isn't what you want. Just dance with people who are teaching and learning and having fun all at once.
posted by xingcat at 6:39 AM on January 1, 2015
Seconding getting out into nature. I do long distance running mainly for that reason (I suspect though that the exertion also helps with the appreciation). Nothing makes me quite as happy as being out in beautiful countryside on a sunny day. It also makes me feel more grounded and connected.
Also, and this may be a bit tricky on a budget, but gigs of favourite bands have always been a source of joy and ecstasy for me, even during my darkest times. The energy at a rock concert is very catching (applies even if the music is the 'trample on your soul' kind).
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:51 AM on January 1, 2015
Also, and this may be a bit tricky on a budget, but gigs of favourite bands have always been a source of joy and ecstasy for me, even during my darkest times. The energy at a rock concert is very catching (applies even if the music is the 'trample on your soul' kind).
posted by ClarissaWAM at 11:51 AM on January 1, 2015
If you found the right organization to volunteer with, somewhere where your efforts were really appreciated and necessary for some good works to occur, I guarantee you would feel joy, and probably fun along the way too.
I recommend (always) something with kids or animals.
posted by jessicapierce at 1:38 PM on January 1, 2015
I recommend (always) something with kids or animals.
posted by jessicapierce at 1:38 PM on January 1, 2015
Some ideas:
- Listen to more music. This is a good source of great music from last year. http://apps.npr.org/best-songs-2014/
- Spend time with your friends' kids.
- Take a class on Coursera or Edx if there is something there you are interested in. Learning stuff is something that gives me joy.
- Aside from the above, get off the Internet.
- Go for a bike ride or a hike.
posted by Asparagus at 1:55 PM on January 1, 2015
- Listen to more music. This is a good source of great music from last year. http://apps.npr.org/best-songs-2014/
- Spend time with your friends' kids.
- Take a class on Coursera or Edx if there is something there you are interested in. Learning stuff is something that gives me joy.
- Aside from the above, get off the Internet.
- Go for a bike ride or a hike.
posted by Asparagus at 1:55 PM on January 1, 2015
Perfect question. I've been feeling/thinking the same way lately so I can't help but answer. I'll start with the media suggestions because that's easy.
Beginners - Amazing movie. I learn to love and enjoy life again every time I watch it.
The Promise by Girls Aloud - This song is a little magical. I also love how it makes love sound inevitable (because it kinda is). "You're gonna make me love you, nothing that I can do..."
Begin Again by Taylor Swift - I love this song an obscene amount. Check my username. I just adore the "being shocked/disarmed by how tender and loving someone can be" theme of the song. And how can that chorus not inspire hope?? "I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end / but on a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again."
As for day-to-day happiness, my best recommendation is to spend time around people. Preferably friends/friendly ones. This paragraph is really all you need to take from The Happiness Hypothesis:
If you want to predict how happy someone is, or how long she will live (and if you are not allowed to ask about her genes or personality), you should find out about her social relationships. Having strong social relationships strengthens the immune system, extends life (more than does quitting smoking), speeds recovery from surgery, and reduces the risks of depression and anxiety disorders. Its not just that extroverts are naturally happier and healthier; when introverts are forced to be more outgoing, they usually enjoy it and find that it boosts their mood. Even people who think they don't want a lot of social contact still benefit from it.
Pay attention to that last bit. I've fallen into that trap of thinking that maybe I'm just super introverted when really I'm depressed. Get out and see people even if you don't want to! I can vouch from personal experience that you will have fun in spite of yourself.
Some parting words about joy.
posted by BeginAgain at 11:04 PM on January 1, 2015
As for day-to-day happiness, my best recommendation is to spend time around people. Preferably friends/friendly ones. This paragraph is really all you need to take from The Happiness Hypothesis:
If you want to predict how happy someone is, or how long she will live (and if you are not allowed to ask about her genes or personality), you should find out about her social relationships. Having strong social relationships strengthens the immune system, extends life (more than does quitting smoking), speeds recovery from surgery, and reduces the risks of depression and anxiety disorders. Its not just that extroverts are naturally happier and healthier; when introverts are forced to be more outgoing, they usually enjoy it and find that it boosts their mood. Even people who think they don't want a lot of social contact still benefit from it.
Pay attention to that last bit. I've fallen into that trap of thinking that maybe I'm just super introverted when really I'm depressed. Get out and see people even if you don't want to! I can vouch from personal experience that you will have fun in spite of yourself.
Some parting words about joy.
posted by BeginAgain at 11:04 PM on January 1, 2015
I decided a few years back to have more fun. I opened the paper and saw an ad for a ukulele fest. Wandered around that for a while, and then a few months later bought a uke. Learning to play that, and playing it with other people, led to a whole lot of fun and some good friends.
posted by bink at 11:55 AM on January 2, 2015
posted by bink at 11:55 AM on January 2, 2015
Joy and Fun are very different things.
Joy sits towards the far end of the spectrum of happinesses and isn't realistically something you can expect to regularly induce in a sustainable, non-self-destructive manner.
Fun is more reasonable to look toward achieving on a regular basis, but is still highly context-dependent and not something your life will ever be permanently filled with.
It may help to think about this difference, and to more actively acknowledge the many other kinds of happiness that exist in your everyday life. Becoming more aware of moments of "trivial" happiness is a very useful tool with which to combat depression.
Peace, rest, companionship and contentment may seem mundane, but it's happinesses like this that are always going to make up the sponge proportion of positive emotional events in your life. Fun might be the jam filling, and joy the cherry on top, but a bowl of jam topped with a handful of cherries doth not a satisfying cake make.
Good luck!
posted by protorp at 11:58 AM on January 2, 2015
Joy sits towards the far end of the spectrum of happinesses and isn't realistically something you can expect to regularly induce in a sustainable, non-self-destructive manner.
Fun is more reasonable to look toward achieving on a regular basis, but is still highly context-dependent and not something your life will ever be permanently filled with.
It may help to think about this difference, and to more actively acknowledge the many other kinds of happiness that exist in your everyday life. Becoming more aware of moments of "trivial" happiness is a very useful tool with which to combat depression.
Peace, rest, companionship and contentment may seem mundane, but it's happinesses like this that are always going to make up the sponge proportion of positive emotional events in your life. Fun might be the jam filling, and joy the cherry on top, but a bowl of jam topped with a handful of cherries doth not a satisfying cake make.
Good luck!
posted by protorp at 11:58 AM on January 2, 2015
Volunteer - it might be tough at times, but it can bring so much joy, fulfillment, and comradeship. I met a now very dear friend through volunteering, I've learned a ton, and of course it doesn't cost a penny.
Also, unless you are ornithophobic, feed the birds.
posted by greenish at 9:56 AM on January 6, 2015
Also, unless you are ornithophobic, feed the birds.
posted by greenish at 9:56 AM on January 6, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's a small thing, but maybe it's a start.
And maybe you can find a cheap way to try your hand at sculpting. Clay isn't very expensive, and it's all you need to get started. Or you could even try papier maché or salt dough.
Personally I like to make things, especially from other things. I work with materials that cost nothing or very little. Lately I've been using lots of circuit board. It gets thrown out all the time. There is a specific kind of joy I call a 'maker's high'. That's how I feel when I get into the flow while making something. It won't happen every time but it's very nice when it does. Maybe that's one road that will lead you to (more) joy, too?
Best wishes to you, may the new year bring you new ways to have joy and fun!
posted by Too-Ticky at 4:11 AM on January 1, 2015