What do you call this situation
December 14, 2014 9:46 AM Subscribe
Sometimes people who hurt get angry at something or someone and then direct their anger at the person close to them in life, not the cause of the anger.
I have seen it happen with my dad getting angry at my mom in his final days of cancer.
What is it called if the person with the anger cannot help directing the anger at the one they love?
Misdirected anger.
I'm sorry to hear about your father's illness. All my best to you and your family.
posted by inturnaround at 9:51 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry to hear about your father's illness. All my best to you and your family.
posted by inturnaround at 9:51 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Let's assume the person has Bi-Polar disorder with anxiety running high.
posted by bright77blue at 9:53 AM on December 14, 2014
posted by bright77blue at 9:53 AM on December 14, 2014
I don't think that would necessarily make a difference: it's still misdirected. Fear and pain can disrupt one's ability to control or direct emotions appropriately.
posted by rtha at 9:55 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by rtha at 9:55 AM on December 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think "final days of cancer" is sufficient to not need a correction on "they can always help it". Dying fucks you up, stuff happens (and that may come into play later for processing this, if you can try to frame it in that way).
It is misdirected anger, and it's lashing out in the throes of anxiety, and it's just plain raw fear coloring the person's perspective. It may also be exacerbated by pain and/or pain relief measures and/or disease itself, so that it may actually be delusional or hallucinatory.
There is also a thing (and I can't remember that term myself) you see a lot with children, but also with adults and the people they are closest to, where you keep it together in front of strangers or acquaintances and it boils over once you're away from them and with someone who's safe and you can trust not to take you down like a cheetah after an injured zebra.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:04 AM on December 14, 2014 [22 favorites]
It is misdirected anger, and it's lashing out in the throes of anxiety, and it's just plain raw fear coloring the person's perspective. It may also be exacerbated by pain and/or pain relief measures and/or disease itself, so that it may actually be delusional or hallucinatory.
There is also a thing (and I can't remember that term myself) you see a lot with children, but also with adults and the people they are closest to, where you keep it together in front of strangers or acquaintances and it boils over once you're away from them and with someone who's safe and you can trust not to take you down like a cheetah after an injured zebra.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:04 AM on December 14, 2014 [22 favorites]
You might find this article on transference and anger helpful.
Also, people with bipolar seem to target one person they are close to, usually a spouse or other family member, to take out their rage on. Often this is due to the person trying to get them to seek help, but it can also simply be a manifestation of the illness itself -- that is, it has no real meaning, but is a symptom of the manic phase. So one would be advised not to take it personally, difficult as that may be.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:21 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Also, people with bipolar seem to target one person they are close to, usually a spouse or other family member, to take out their rage on. Often this is due to the person trying to get them to seek help, but it can also simply be a manifestation of the illness itself -- that is, it has no real meaning, but is a symptom of the manic phase. So one would be advised not to take it personally, difficult as that may be.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 10:21 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have also found that many people going through loss try to deal with it by getting angry at the people they're losing, as a way of attempting to make the loss hurt less. It's still misdirected anger, though -- no matter the cause, it's using anger to hide another emotion or directing anger at someone who did not cause it.
posted by jaguar at 10:22 AM on December 14, 2014
posted by jaguar at 10:22 AM on December 14, 2014
Coping with Misdirected Anger. The article is based on a failed romantic relationship, but I think most of the basic principles work.
You can't really yell at cancer. I mean you can, but cancer can't hear you. Cancer can't apologize. Cancer can't promise to stop doing hurtful behavior and reassure you that you're important and you don't deserve to be hurt. Cancer can't even yell back at you. Yelling at cancer is yelling into the abyss.
Your loved one can't stop cancer, but they can respond to your anger.
posted by bunderful at 10:32 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
You can't really yell at cancer. I mean you can, but cancer can't hear you. Cancer can't apologize. Cancer can't promise to stop doing hurtful behavior and reassure you that you're important and you don't deserve to be hurt. Cancer can't even yell back at you. Yelling at cancer is yelling into the abyss.
Your loved one can't stop cancer, but they can respond to your anger.
posted by bunderful at 10:32 AM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for the great insights. Unfortunately as a recipient of the anger over 20 years something inside me snapped last week and now ending the marriage.
posted by bright77blue at 11:46 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by bright77blue at 11:46 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]
Kick the cat syndrome. (Please don't actually kick your cat, though.)
posted by Violet Hour at 11:51 AM on December 14, 2014
posted by Violet Hour at 11:51 AM on December 14, 2014
I'm confused. Are we answering a question about misdirected anger in your marriage with someone dealing with bipolar? Because that is a very different process than misdirected anger during end of life, which is the example you're giving from your parents.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 12:10 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 12:10 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
As people have said, end of life is a time fraught with emotional and biological upheavals. It's not reasonable to expect someone to make sense of all their feelings. The anger you described your dad having at your mom during this time doesn't have a downstream equivalent. It isn't an example of any other kind of human behavior. It stands alone.
I think if you maybe clarified what your question is, without that as an example, the answers you get will be more relevant for your current situation.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 12:44 PM on December 14, 2014
I think if you maybe clarified what your question is, without that as an example, the answers you get will be more relevant for your current situation.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 12:44 PM on December 14, 2014
It's part of healthy attachment theory - kids who are deeply and healthily attached to their caregiver will express anger after a stressful situation, like a meltdown when they've come home from a bad day at school. Even then, there are boundaries, where an emotionally healthy child will yell and rage but won't break things. Kids learn to self-soothe and manage in more appropriate ways for anger and other hard emotions, but expressing those feelings with a trusted caregiver is a basic initial response, and people can go back to it during times of incredible stress.
posted by viggorlijah at 4:25 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by viggorlijah at 4:25 PM on December 14, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This sounds like some really difficult stuff you are dealing with. There is a difference between someone needing extra consideration and support when they are facing extreme adversity, and them using you as a punching bag for 20 years. At some point you have to accept that they are not going to try to stop misdirecting their anger at you, and you have to protect yourself. I hope you find some peace, you have my sympathy.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:29 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:29 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
In cats or dogs, it would be called redirected aggression or displaced aggression. This isn't even something that is limited to humans.
posted by Anne Neville at 7:05 AM on December 15, 2014
posted by Anne Neville at 7:05 AM on December 15, 2014
Just checking in to say yeah, I agree. There is no way I would put up with anger for that long, even with bipolar. You have to take care of yourself. What I was trying to say is, if someone is going through a phase (temporary), you can't really call their anger a thing. But if it's 20 years and they haven't gotten help, or even if they have, and they are still directing anger at you, whelp. No. I think you've done your time, son. Seriously. You don't ever have to put up with that again. I have had family members and known people, but nope. No matter what it is called, if they are untreated and won't seek help (and even if they are), you really, really don't have to be there to deal with it anymore.
It's really hard and I wish you well in your new life. I wish you peace and freedom and happiness, because you sure deserve it. Ask me how I know. Move on. {{{{hugs}}}}
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:13 PM on December 15, 2014
It's really hard and I wish you well in your new life. I wish you peace and freedom and happiness, because you sure deserve it. Ask me how I know. Move on. {{{{hugs}}}}
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:13 PM on December 15, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
Two, "redirected anger" or "misdirected anger" are the terms I've always seen for it.
posted by jaguar at 9:49 AM on December 14, 2014 [3 favorites]