How to smooth over problem with co-worker in a professional manner?
December 4, 2014 12:00 AM Subscribe
My immediate co-worker's list of qualms about me is beginning to rise. Not only do I not understand where it is coming from, I want to come to a solution and communicate effectively on a professional level so that we can at least remain friendly with each other since we need to work closely at times to get things done. More details behind cut.
I work in a small office. Our department is only around 20 people total, not including developers or other positions I don't work with on a daily basis. My immediate co-worker who has the issue with me handles the office floor during the day and I handle the office floor at night. Working at night can get dull and also stressful since after a certain time in the early evening, I'm running the show. I'm also relied upon a lot in ways that no one else is which is infuriating at times. I can never just be "sick", take a personal day or even vacation time without a lot of time to plan ahead.
That said, I still like my job and don't dread going to work. When I first started in this office, this co-worker and I actually became close friends. We had sleepovers, took breaks together, etc. She then went on sabbatical, and once she returned, everything changed. She essentially stopped talking to me altogether and I also lost another work-related friend around the same time and these two are now "thick as thieves". She has become friends with basically everyone around me and I've been taken out of the loop of work friendships.
Within the past month, she's become defensive about my productivity at night and has brought numerous concerns to our mutual boss as well as sending me snappy e-mails about things I should and shouldn't do. The workers underneath me complain about her non-stop. I don't defend her, nor do I side with them. I just say I understand and otherwise remain mute about the subject. I know little of her personal business these days, but I without thinking said something about her living situation today since a worker had asked me about her absence. Needless to say, this information is common knowledge, she both speaks of it and proudly verbally displays said situation for all workers to hear.
I received another snappy message about this - that her life was none of my business nor is it the other workers' business and I shouldn't say anything again. Obviously someone called or texted her about this comment. I decided whatever is said on the matter should be said verbally in person, not over IM outside of work hours.
I have no problem admitting my faults and apologize where an apology is due, but I also know that her and at least one other work friend of hers gossip and make fun of the other workers all the time so this statement seemed quite hypocritical of her.
I'm sure my boss will hear all about it upon her next return to work so I already forewarned her of the situation and that I planned on apologizing for my mistake in person. At the same time, as her and these other co-workers become closer, hang out outside of work, I feel hated more and more. This group does not greet me or even acknowledge my presence these days.
I am trying not to take this personally, but as this list grows and the concerns about me become more and more petty, how do I smooth over this problem, if I'm even able to and communicate effectively that the vendetta needs to stop and since we have to work closely together, we need to at least be small talk friendly and try to get along?
More importantly, how do I professionally convey that I do not appreciate the short, snappy e-mail messages and texts and would rather hear these concerns voiced in person?
I work in a small office. Our department is only around 20 people total, not including developers or other positions I don't work with on a daily basis. My immediate co-worker who has the issue with me handles the office floor during the day and I handle the office floor at night. Working at night can get dull and also stressful since after a certain time in the early evening, I'm running the show. I'm also relied upon a lot in ways that no one else is which is infuriating at times. I can never just be "sick", take a personal day or even vacation time without a lot of time to plan ahead.
That said, I still like my job and don't dread going to work. When I first started in this office, this co-worker and I actually became close friends. We had sleepovers, took breaks together, etc. She then went on sabbatical, and once she returned, everything changed. She essentially stopped talking to me altogether and I also lost another work-related friend around the same time and these two are now "thick as thieves". She has become friends with basically everyone around me and I've been taken out of the loop of work friendships.
Within the past month, she's become defensive about my productivity at night and has brought numerous concerns to our mutual boss as well as sending me snappy e-mails about things I should and shouldn't do. The workers underneath me complain about her non-stop. I don't defend her, nor do I side with them. I just say I understand and otherwise remain mute about the subject. I know little of her personal business these days, but I without thinking said something about her living situation today since a worker had asked me about her absence. Needless to say, this information is common knowledge, she both speaks of it and proudly verbally displays said situation for all workers to hear.
I received another snappy message about this - that her life was none of my business nor is it the other workers' business and I shouldn't say anything again. Obviously someone called or texted her about this comment. I decided whatever is said on the matter should be said verbally in person, not over IM outside of work hours.
I have no problem admitting my faults and apologize where an apology is due, but I also know that her and at least one other work friend of hers gossip and make fun of the other workers all the time so this statement seemed quite hypocritical of her.
I'm sure my boss will hear all about it upon her next return to work so I already forewarned her of the situation and that I planned on apologizing for my mistake in person. At the same time, as her and these other co-workers become closer, hang out outside of work, I feel hated more and more. This group does not greet me or even acknowledge my presence these days.
I am trying not to take this personally, but as this list grows and the concerns about me become more and more petty, how do I smooth over this problem, if I'm even able to and communicate effectively that the vendetta needs to stop and since we have to work closely together, we need to at least be small talk friendly and try to get along?
More importantly, how do I professionally convey that I do not appreciate the short, snappy e-mail messages and texts and would rather hear these concerns voiced in person?
Going through something similar. Meet with your boss if meeting with the co-worker does not yield any resolution.
posted by skippingcharades at 1:37 AM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by skippingcharades at 1:37 AM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Were you guys involved romantically?
posted by J. Wilson at 3:39 AM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 3:39 AM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
I posted this meta a while ago, because there is some extra information that people in these situations sometimes leave out that can be very important.
First, were you romantically or intimately involved. If not, were things progressing in that direction but stalled for some reason (as far as you know)?
posted by Shouraku at 4:44 AM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
First, were you romantically or intimately involved. If not, were things progressing in that direction but stalled for some reason (as far as you know)?
posted by Shouraku at 4:44 AM on December 4, 2014 [3 favorites]
The way you deal with IM and snippy emails is to say/write: I will discuss this with you in person, not in text.
Don't take this bullshit to your boss and don't continuously roll over and present your belly to this person. Sack up and accept that not everyone is going to like you. Be professional. Worrying about who's liking you, what the other workers think of you and all that petty shit is just that, petty.
If you want to bring this to a head, you can ask to sit down with her and hash it out, but I doubt that would profit you anything. What I'd do is give her enough rope to hang herself.
I would passive aggressively drive this lady to distraction. She's looking for a rise from you, she WANTS you blow up, force a confrontation or just to be miserable. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
First, let her be the one to run crying to the boss. Do you honestly think the boss wants to sort out petty issues? Adults don't gossip and they don't run crying to Mama every time they get the fluff blown off their dandelions at work.
Secondly, workplaces love drama. Starve it of oxygen. Don't respond to snippy emails. Don't encourage IM and DON'T gossip with co-workers.
If anyone asks about her, just say, "I don't know." So if she's absent, just shrug.
If the boss brings this up, merely say, "I don't know why Lucy is so unhappy, my only concern is that you're happy. I am acting professionally and I will continue to do so." Do you honestly think the boss wants to sort out school-girl drama?
Stop being so thin-skinned about being welcomed and liked at work. If people grumble to you, don't say you understand, don't appear to be agreeing but doing nothing. Just say, "She runs her shift the way she sees fit."
Find friends outside of work, aim to be pleasant and drama-free where you are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:09 AM on December 4, 2014 [32 favorites]
Don't take this bullshit to your boss and don't continuously roll over and present your belly to this person. Sack up and accept that not everyone is going to like you. Be professional. Worrying about who's liking you, what the other workers think of you and all that petty shit is just that, petty.
If you want to bring this to a head, you can ask to sit down with her and hash it out, but I doubt that would profit you anything. What I'd do is give her enough rope to hang herself.
I would passive aggressively drive this lady to distraction. She's looking for a rise from you, she WANTS you blow up, force a confrontation or just to be miserable. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
First, let her be the one to run crying to the boss. Do you honestly think the boss wants to sort out petty issues? Adults don't gossip and they don't run crying to Mama every time they get the fluff blown off their dandelions at work.
Secondly, workplaces love drama. Starve it of oxygen. Don't respond to snippy emails. Don't encourage IM and DON'T gossip with co-workers.
If anyone asks about her, just say, "I don't know." So if she's absent, just shrug.
If the boss brings this up, merely say, "I don't know why Lucy is so unhappy, my only concern is that you're happy. I am acting professionally and I will continue to do so." Do you honestly think the boss wants to sort out school-girl drama?
Stop being so thin-skinned about being welcomed and liked at work. If people grumble to you, don't say you understand, don't appear to be agreeing but doing nothing. Just say, "She runs her shift the way she sees fit."
Find friends outside of work, aim to be pleasant and drama-free where you are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:09 AM on December 4, 2014 [32 favorites]
It sounds like she's out to get you for some reason.
What happened while she was on sabbatical? I get the feeling that there's a lot more to this story than you've told us here.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:03 AM on December 4, 2014 [8 favorites]
What happened while she was on sabbatical? I get the feeling that there's a lot more to this story than you've told us here.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:03 AM on December 4, 2014 [8 favorites]
Stop replying to her emails.
Tell your boss she is bullying you and creating a hostile work environment.
Let your boss handle her.
Have your boss tell her all communication must go through her/him from now on.
If she complains to you again, tell her to take it to the boss. Every time.
Start looking for a new job. My hope is that the boss fires her. But you can not count on that.
posted by jbenben at 8:14 AM on December 4, 2014
Tell your boss she is bullying you and creating a hostile work environment.
Let your boss handle her.
Have your boss tell her all communication must go through her/him from now on.
If she complains to you again, tell her to take it to the boss. Every time.
Start looking for a new job. My hope is that the boss fires her. But you can not count on that.
posted by jbenben at 8:14 AM on December 4, 2014
You are acting like her behavior is appropriate because you are a bad person who deserves it. This is going to get you fired.
Stand up straight and start acting professionally. Ignore her complaints unless they are about concrete work issues you actually have some control over. Route her issues through your manager, so that the choices she makes have weight and consequences. Come to work to do work and not play Pretend High School. Do not engage in personal attacks. Do not participate in popularity contests. Be the bigger person, and watch as her clique realizes they better back off from the one causing drama before they get fired too.
Never again send an email to her that is not CCd to a witness. Force her to be accountable.
I'm sure my boss will hear all about it upon her next return to work so I already forewarned her of the situation and that I planned on apologizing for my mistake in person.
You boss does not want to know about your petty personal problems. That's why you DO NOT EVER DO THIS. That way she's the asshole running and whining to the boss and you are the person doing your work.
You don't go to work to make friends. Don't have "sleepovers" (what?) with coworkers. Do not fuck where your paycheck comes from, this is really straightforward.
If you need help dealing with boundary/self esteem issues, get a therapist. Go to work to work only.
If you put a cowering dog in a room with a pack, they'll kill it. Stop cowering.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:29 AM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
Stand up straight and start acting professionally. Ignore her complaints unless they are about concrete work issues you actually have some control over. Route her issues through your manager, so that the choices she makes have weight and consequences. Come to work to do work and not play Pretend High School. Do not engage in personal attacks. Do not participate in popularity contests. Be the bigger person, and watch as her clique realizes they better back off from the one causing drama before they get fired too.
Never again send an email to her that is not CCd to a witness. Force her to be accountable.
I'm sure my boss will hear all about it upon her next return to work so I already forewarned her of the situation and that I planned on apologizing for my mistake in person.
You boss does not want to know about your petty personal problems. That's why you DO NOT EVER DO THIS. That way she's the asshole running and whining to the boss and you are the person doing your work.
You don't go to work to make friends. Don't have "sleepovers" (what?) with coworkers. Do not fuck where your paycheck comes from, this is really straightforward.
If you need help dealing with boundary/self esteem issues, get a therapist. Go to work to work only.
If you put a cowering dog in a room with a pack, they'll kill it. Stop cowering.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:29 AM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
On the other hand, if this person has even a scrap of power or pull at work (or if it's a very "cliquey" workplace, which it sounds like it is), this is the kind of thing people can and do get fired over. It happened to my mother at her last job when she tried the "just ignore it and keep working" strategy while one of her team leads bullied her in a similar way.
It's not a matter of wanting to be friends with everybody or worrying that people don't like you, some workplaces really are basically like high schools. If you're not part of the "in crowd" you'll be the first out the door.
posted by Kimmalah at 9:49 AM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
It's not a matter of wanting to be friends with everybody or worrying that people don't like you, some workplaces really are basically like high schools. If you're not part of the "in crowd" you'll be the first out the door.
posted by Kimmalah at 9:49 AM on December 4, 2014 [5 favorites]
When you get a snippy email you respond:
I think it would be more efficient and effective to resolve any questions and concerns in person. I'm available to meet at either X date & time or Y date & time. Let me know which one works for you.
When someone brings up a complaint, you respond:
I'm not in a position to comment on that. If you have questions or concerns about X you should talk to Ms. Co-Worker directly.
When you get an email with suggestions for how to do your job, you respond:
Thanks for the suggestions. The reason I do X & Y is because of A & B. We can talk about other approaches in our next staff meeting on Z date.
When you meeting with your boss for your next check-in, you say:
These are some of the issues I'm experiencing with Ms. Co-Worker and this is what I'm doing to positively address them. Do you have any other suggestion for how to approach this?
Don't have regular check-ins with your boss? Make a request to start having a bi-weekly, 30 minute check-in to talk about your goals, give updates on projects, set priorities and address any questions or concerns on a regular basis. Having a formally set aside time to discuss job related performance and goals means there is space and time to address things without having to make a big deal out it.
posted by brookeb at 9:49 AM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
I think it would be more efficient and effective to resolve any questions and concerns in person. I'm available to meet at either X date & time or Y date & time. Let me know which one works for you.
When someone brings up a complaint, you respond:
I'm not in a position to comment on that. If you have questions or concerns about X you should talk to Ms. Co-Worker directly.
When you get an email with suggestions for how to do your job, you respond:
Thanks for the suggestions. The reason I do X & Y is because of A & B. We can talk about other approaches in our next staff meeting on Z date.
When you meeting with your boss for your next check-in, you say:
These are some of the issues I'm experiencing with Ms. Co-Worker and this is what I'm doing to positively address them. Do you have any other suggestion for how to approach this?
Don't have regular check-ins with your boss? Make a request to start having a bi-weekly, 30 minute check-in to talk about your goals, give updates on projects, set priorities and address any questions or concerns on a regular basis. Having a formally set aside time to discuss job related performance and goals means there is space and time to address things without having to make a big deal out it.
posted by brookeb at 9:49 AM on December 4, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Hm, OK the questions -
1. NO. I am straight. We are both female. Not romantically involved.
2. Of course there's a lot more to the story about her sabbatical. Let's just say she had to find sobriety and for some reason despite going AWOL, she was not fired.
3. The workplace actually isn't very cliquey but co-worker is certainly working on this and these issues are becoming worse.
4. Both co-worker and I on an individual basis check in with our boss nearly everyday.
posted by camylanded at 10:11 AM on December 4, 2014
1. NO. I am straight. We are both female. Not romantically involved.
2. Of course there's a lot more to the story about her sabbatical. Let's just say she had to find sobriety and for some reason despite going AWOL, she was not fired.
3. The workplace actually isn't very cliquey but co-worker is certainly working on this and these issues are becoming worse.
4. Both co-worker and I on an individual basis check in with our boss nearly everyday.
posted by camylanded at 10:11 AM on December 4, 2014
Response by poster: Stand up straight and start acting professionally. Ignore her complaints unless they are about concrete work issues you actually have some control over. Route her issues through your manager, so that the choices she makes have weight and consequences.
Never again send an email to her that is not CCd to a witness. Force her to be accountable.
You boss does not want to know about your petty personal problems. That's why you DO NOT EVER DO THIS. That way she's the asshole running and whining to the boss and you are the person doing your work.
Also, this is conflicting information. I don't discuss personal matters or run crying to boss with every personal thing. Only with the issues that said co-worker brings up as a concern with me.
Actually, every answer I've received has been conflicting. I suppose everyone would simply handle this in different ways?
posted by camylanded at 10:21 AM on December 4, 2014
Never again send an email to her that is not CCd to a witness. Force her to be accountable.
You boss does not want to know about your petty personal problems. That's why you DO NOT EVER DO THIS. That way she's the asshole running and whining to the boss and you are the person doing your work.
Also, this is conflicting information. I don't discuss personal matters or run crying to boss with every personal thing. Only with the issues that said co-worker brings up as a concern with me.
Actually, every answer I've received has been conflicting. I suppose everyone would simply handle this in different ways?
posted by camylanded at 10:21 AM on December 4, 2014
I would look through the archives at Ask A Manager as she has lots of really good advice on many different topics. If you can't find anything helpful there, you could ask her this question.
posted by Amy NM at 10:24 AM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Amy NM at 10:24 AM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
You really must ignore her emails and comments. There is nothing to be gained by giving her the satisfaction of upsetting you. She has no power over you, nor do her minions. Just try to avoid any communication that is not mandatory and work related. More discussion will not help here, but time will. It is surprising how little time it takes for people to move on when they don't get the reaction they are hoping for. I wouldn't worry to much about losing the job, either. And as for friends at work, if you really need them, will one suffice? Most people I work with keep to themselves and it's very pleasant.
posted by waving at 10:45 AM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by waving at 10:45 AM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Of course there's a lot more to the story about her sabbatical. Let's just say she had to find sobriety and for some reason despite going AWOL, she was not fired.
Ah, so she's crabby now that she's not getting her substance fix. In that case, it's probably not anything you've done, you're probably just the person (perhaps one of several) that she's taking it out on.
(She probably wasn't fired because addiction is a medical issue and thus going to rehab is typically treated like any other emergency inpatient hospital stay -- as it should be, IMO -- so they didn't fire her just like they wouldn't fire someone for missing work on no notice for having a heart attack.)
Document, document, document and take your complaints about her unprofessional behavior to your boss and HR.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:29 AM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
Ah, so she's crabby now that she's not getting her substance fix. In that case, it's probably not anything you've done, you're probably just the person (perhaps one of several) that she's taking it out on.
(She probably wasn't fired because addiction is a medical issue and thus going to rehab is typically treated like any other emergency inpatient hospital stay -- as it should be, IMO -- so they didn't fire her just like they wouldn't fire someone for missing work on no notice for having a heart attack.)
Document, document, document and take your complaints about her unprofessional behavior to your boss and HR.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:29 AM on December 4, 2014 [2 favorites]
You should do nothing. Come in, say good morning to the room, and go about your work. Ignore her emails or text complaints (but save them in a folder). Let your boss take initiative and decide if there's a real problem or shes pissing on her territory. If your boss talks to you about something you supposedly did or did not do, then just honestly say whether you did or did not do $thing and take direction from your boss.
I think doing anything more than ignoring all this is just stirring the pot.
posted by WeekendJen at 4:03 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think doing anything more than ignoring all this is just stirring the pot.
posted by WeekendJen at 4:03 PM on December 4, 2014 [1 favorite]
Do not answer any of those snippy emails unless they are asking for business information that she needs to know, and then only answer the relevant part.
As you say, everyone's going to handle the direct interaction differently, and rightly so. It's a touchy-feely "depends on the specific personalities involved" situation where you kind of have to have an intuition for what's going to be the thing that finally makes a difference.
As far as my boss is concerned, I wouldn't bring up the drama. I might, though, do a bit of proactive defensive groundwork laying. That is, if Ms. Drama complains about the way I do X, I'm not going to go running to the boss to whine about it. I would think about it; after all, there's always the chance that she's right even if it nearly kills me to admit it. If I was still convinced I do what I do for a good reason, then I would probably have a "hey, by the way, boss" moment at one of my normal check-in discussions.
No naming names! "So, I do X. 'Someone' suggested I don't do X but do Y instead. I thought about it, but I'm still kind of partial to X. How do you feel about X?"
Once the boss explicitly tells you X is fine, Ms. Drama is going to have a tough row to hoe complaining about it (and not even know she's walking into a setup, which is super-satisfying to watch. Best is when the boss replies "yeah, about that... I want you to do X too.") I can't say enough for the effectiveness of being able to get the first version of the story out there before it's even become a big story. Again, don't name names or make it a big thing yourself. Draw no attention to this process. Just lay the trap and let it sit there.
But, if the boss honestly doesn't like X, that's also good to know and you have to be ready to not do X anymore and keep that separate from your feelings about Ms. Drama. It's hard, but it's about your boss, not your little enemy thing going on. That's one losing battle you avoided before it even started.
Important: Do all of your shift-to-shift turnovers in writing, and insist on the same. Save them for later.
posted by ctmf at 3:59 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
As you say, everyone's going to handle the direct interaction differently, and rightly so. It's a touchy-feely "depends on the specific personalities involved" situation where you kind of have to have an intuition for what's going to be the thing that finally makes a difference.
As far as my boss is concerned, I wouldn't bring up the drama. I might, though, do a bit of proactive defensive groundwork laying. That is, if Ms. Drama complains about the way I do X, I'm not going to go running to the boss to whine about it. I would think about it; after all, there's always the chance that she's right even if it nearly kills me to admit it. If I was still convinced I do what I do for a good reason, then I would probably have a "hey, by the way, boss" moment at one of my normal check-in discussions.
No naming names! "So, I do X. 'Someone' suggested I don't do X but do Y instead. I thought about it, but I'm still kind of partial to X. How do you feel about X?"
Once the boss explicitly tells you X is fine, Ms. Drama is going to have a tough row to hoe complaining about it (and not even know she's walking into a setup, which is super-satisfying to watch. Best is when the boss replies "yeah, about that... I want you to do X too.") I can't say enough for the effectiveness of being able to get the first version of the story out there before it's even become a big story. Again, don't name names or make it a big thing yourself. Draw no attention to this process. Just lay the trap and let it sit there.
But, if the boss honestly doesn't like X, that's also good to know and you have to be ready to not do X anymore and keep that separate from your feelings about Ms. Drama. It's hard, but it's about your boss, not your little enemy thing going on. That's one losing battle you avoided before it even started.
Important: Do all of your shift-to-shift turnovers in writing, and insist on the same. Save them for later.
posted by ctmf at 3:59 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
Keep in mind though your disadvantage here, in that: Day shift is usually the 'lead' shift. Day shift does the planning/policy making/politics as well as execution. Night shift continues execution until Day shift comes back in.
You really can't have a situation where the shifts are doing things significantly differently, and if it comes down to which way wins, the day shifters' way is the default. Being on days, she can exaggerate the differences and make it seem like a huge problem until they make you "align" the two shifts, meaning you do it the way she likes. Hopefully your management will ask for your input before just mandating that, but you're at a huge handicap being on the back shift. If you want to have a fair shot in office politics, you need to get on day shift.
Which is to say, the strategy of "F her, I'm just going to do what I do and completely pretend she doesn't exist" is a long-term loser. You need to be more proactive with your boss than that, like I said before.
posted by ctmf at 4:19 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
You really can't have a situation where the shifts are doing things significantly differently, and if it comes down to which way wins, the day shifters' way is the default. Being on days, she can exaggerate the differences and make it seem like a huge problem until they make you "align" the two shifts, meaning you do it the way she likes. Hopefully your management will ask for your input before just mandating that, but you're at a huge handicap being on the back shift. If you want to have a fair shot in office politics, you need to get on day shift.
Which is to say, the strategy of "F her, I'm just going to do what I do and completely pretend she doesn't exist" is a long-term loser. You need to be more proactive with your boss than that, like I said before.
posted by ctmf at 4:19 AM on December 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mattoxic at 12:04 AM on December 4, 2014 [8 favorites]