Pls help this new mama transition back to work after first baby
November 21, 2014 11:38 AM Subscribe
Just had my first baby, in my very late 30s...yay! I took four months off once the baby came. Before the baby came, some major things happened - i got promoted to supervise my team at work -- and my mom passed away suddenly. Additionally, I had a complication with the pregnancy and ended up going on maternity leave a month early. So, before I left for maternity leave, I was not exactly 100% at work and while my boss was understanding, I may have not made the best first impression in this new position. (questions inside)
I would like to make the transition back to work seamless and successful and make my boss and team feel relieved that I am back. I am feeling really mixed feelings about returning to work with regard to leaving my baby in daycare. Mostly because I will miss her so much as I do have confidence the daycare is a good place.
So, I have a few questions for those who have been down this road before me...
1. Please share your sage advice/hacks/guidance on how to transition the little one to daycare and myself back to work with minimal emotional distress and upheaval. If you have any logistical tips (time saving advice, for example) that would be helpful too.
2. Will my baby be distraught with me for leaving her in daycare (sorry if this is a stupid question) or will she not even really notice? Any particular way I should soothe her especially in the beginning?
3. Give me some ideas on how to hit the ground running supervising a team of folks who have been essentially doing your job/functioning well without you for the past four months...
4. Any tips on what NOT to do when returning back to work/putting LO in daycare would be helpful too...
TIA!
I would like to make the transition back to work seamless and successful and make my boss and team feel relieved that I am back. I am feeling really mixed feelings about returning to work with regard to leaving my baby in daycare. Mostly because I will miss her so much as I do have confidence the daycare is a good place.
So, I have a few questions for those who have been down this road before me...
1. Please share your sage advice/hacks/guidance on how to transition the little one to daycare and myself back to work with minimal emotional distress and upheaval. If you have any logistical tips (time saving advice, for example) that would be helpful too.
2. Will my baby be distraught with me for leaving her in daycare (sorry if this is a stupid question) or will she not even really notice? Any particular way I should soothe her especially in the beginning?
3. Give me some ideas on how to hit the ground running supervising a team of folks who have been essentially doing your job/functioning well without you for the past four months...
4. Any tips on what NOT to do when returning back to work/putting LO in daycare would be helpful too...
TIA!
1. My wife went back to work half time for the first two weeks after her maternity leave--or, more accurately, she went back to work half time a week early, and then was half time for the first week back, so she got the full amount of leave. It really helped get our daughter (and mama) transitioned. If you can work that out, that's great.
As a logistical matter, I'd strongly advise getting extra bottles and parts. You spend so much time cleaning and assembling them, having some spares ready to go really, really helps. We bought some of our spares off of Craigslist. We started with 6 or 7 Dr. Brown's bottles--now we roll with 18 (aw yiss!). Having the spares is so good.
Also, if you're going to pump, buy a second pump for work. Your first one probably came free from the hospital; we bought our second (virtually unused) off of CL, as well. That cut out one whole bag from our commute. And, as with bottles, I'd buy a full extra set of bits and bobs for the second pump to keep at work.
2. Not in my experience. The separation anxiety comes later--not at the start. She probably won't notice you're gone (or when you return!) for a while. My wife, however, was in tears to leave our daughter the first time.
3. No particular advice, but with the sleep deprivation and pumping breaks (if you're pumping), and leaving whenever the baby needs you--be prepared to be a little bit of a fifth wheel for a team that has functioned well in your absence. You won't necessarily be operating at 100% for a while. We're hoping for a breakthrough when my wife stops breastfeeding, but I have some friends who say they don't feel 100% two years out from their blessed arrivals. In short: be patient and gentle to yourself if you don't feel like a rockstar for a while.
4. Based on our experience with our daycare, it's like the old Henry Ford quip that the customer can have their Model T (or whatever) in any color they like, so long as it's black. We had particular ideas about some elements of our baby's care (e.g., no swaddling, which we had weaned her from at home, or how we wanted her fed), and it just never got implemented, despite a bunch of reminders. The caregivers all genuinely care about our daughter, but at the end of the day, they are not only caring for her for 8 hours a day, but all the other kiddies, and we just can't force them to do everything the way we would have wanted. One of the harder aspects of the return to work has been accepting that--the daycare is more of a co-parenting collaboration than a master/servant relationship. And again, these caregivers are really pretty good (and good god, it's expensive enough).
FWIW, you don't mention a co-parent/spouse (etc.) but if you have one helping you, insist on equal (or as close as possible to it) responsibilities. My wife and I drop our daughter off at day care together every day; she picks up, but I save them a seat on the train. We're both bottling, washing, diapering, bathing, etc. I make her solid foods at home. I try hard; we're probably at 60/40. Get any help you can get! Being a parent is hard, and moms take the brunt.
Congratulations, and good luck!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:03 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
As a logistical matter, I'd strongly advise getting extra bottles and parts. You spend so much time cleaning and assembling them, having some spares ready to go really, really helps. We bought some of our spares off of Craigslist. We started with 6 or 7 Dr. Brown's bottles--now we roll with 18 (aw yiss!). Having the spares is so good.
Also, if you're going to pump, buy a second pump for work. Your first one probably came free from the hospital; we bought our second (virtually unused) off of CL, as well. That cut out one whole bag from our commute. And, as with bottles, I'd buy a full extra set of bits and bobs for the second pump to keep at work.
2. Not in my experience. The separation anxiety comes later--not at the start. She probably won't notice you're gone (or when you return!) for a while. My wife, however, was in tears to leave our daughter the first time.
3. No particular advice, but with the sleep deprivation and pumping breaks (if you're pumping), and leaving whenever the baby needs you--be prepared to be a little bit of a fifth wheel for a team that has functioned well in your absence. You won't necessarily be operating at 100% for a while. We're hoping for a breakthrough when my wife stops breastfeeding, but I have some friends who say they don't feel 100% two years out from their blessed arrivals. In short: be patient and gentle to yourself if you don't feel like a rockstar for a while.
4. Based on our experience with our daycare, it's like the old Henry Ford quip that the customer can have their Model T (or whatever) in any color they like, so long as it's black. We had particular ideas about some elements of our baby's care (e.g., no swaddling, which we had weaned her from at home, or how we wanted her fed), and it just never got implemented, despite a bunch of reminders. The caregivers all genuinely care about our daughter, but at the end of the day, they are not only caring for her for 8 hours a day, but all the other kiddies, and we just can't force them to do everything the way we would have wanted. One of the harder aspects of the return to work has been accepting that--the daycare is more of a co-parenting collaboration than a master/servant relationship. And again, these caregivers are really pretty good (and good god, it's expensive enough).
FWIW, you don't mention a co-parent/spouse (etc.) but if you have one helping you, insist on equal (or as close as possible to it) responsibilities. My wife and I drop our daughter off at day care together every day; she picks up, but I save them a seat on the train. We're both bottling, washing, diapering, bathing, etc. I make her solid foods at home. I try hard; we're probably at 60/40. Get any help you can get! Being a parent is hard, and moms take the brunt.
Congratulations, and good luck!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 12:03 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
My baby just started day care 3 weeks ago when I returned full time:
1) This will be really personal for your situation. My husband and I refigured who was doing what in the morning (walking the dog, packing lunches, etc.) so that I could nurse right before leaving for day care. The baby generally wakes between 6 and 7 and we both love spending time with him in the morning, playing, etc. We also tossed all the nice bottles we registered for that had a zillion pieces to clean and replaced them with way simpler ones. We packed each of our cars with an "emergency kit" of 10-15 diapers, wipes, pacifier, extra sleeper, burp rag and some other things (like a pair of socks and a hat I think)... anyway, this way we know we don't need to always remember a diaper bag. At the daycare, we leave diapers/wipes, multiple sets of extra clothes, pacifiers, and they actually encourage us to leave some empty bottles and different flow speeds for nipples and then we just bring in the expressed milk in larger storage bottles. It saves us time.
2) No. My son doesn't notice. He does definitely smile at me when I pick him up though! The daycare uses the Baby Connect app to let me know what he's doing at any minute (sleeping, feeding, when his diaper has been changed) and occasionally sends pics or puts in little notes. They also encourage nursing moms to drop in to feed anytime so I feel really welcome and confident in his care.
3) Can't help with this.
4) Don't do extra stuff. Say no. Leave work at work and enjoy your evenings and weekends with the baby. This is really, really important because you really might only have 3 hours or so with the kiddo awake (6-7ish and then 5-7ish).
I'm really sorry if this is disjointed. I'm very tired because I'm still working on #4.
posted by adorap0621 at 12:09 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
1) This will be really personal for your situation. My husband and I refigured who was doing what in the morning (walking the dog, packing lunches, etc.) so that I could nurse right before leaving for day care. The baby generally wakes between 6 and 7 and we both love spending time with him in the morning, playing, etc. We also tossed all the nice bottles we registered for that had a zillion pieces to clean and replaced them with way simpler ones. We packed each of our cars with an "emergency kit" of 10-15 diapers, wipes, pacifier, extra sleeper, burp rag and some other things (like a pair of socks and a hat I think)... anyway, this way we know we don't need to always remember a diaper bag. At the daycare, we leave diapers/wipes, multiple sets of extra clothes, pacifiers, and they actually encourage us to leave some empty bottles and different flow speeds for nipples and then we just bring in the expressed milk in larger storage bottles. It saves us time.
2) No. My son doesn't notice. He does definitely smile at me when I pick him up though! The daycare uses the Baby Connect app to let me know what he's doing at any minute (sleeping, feeding, when his diaper has been changed) and occasionally sends pics or puts in little notes. They also encourage nursing moms to drop in to feed anytime so I feel really welcome and confident in his care.
3) Can't help with this.
4) Don't do extra stuff. Say no. Leave work at work and enjoy your evenings and weekends with the baby. This is really, really important because you really might only have 3 hours or so with the kiddo awake (6-7ish and then 5-7ish).
I'm really sorry if this is disjointed. I'm very tired because I'm still working on #4.
posted by adorap0621 at 12:09 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: 1. When I went back to work full-time at 12 weeks, I left early on Fridays (around 2pm), for the first few weeks, and in fact, I worked 3 half days a week starting at 10 weeks. I actually did not always take the baby right after leaving work on those Fridays, but sometimes used an hour to go to the gym or just sort of settle a little bit. Crazy luxury, but it was good for me to start to feel human again. If you can figure out a way to ease back into work for a couple of weeks, I think you will feel better.
2. Every baby is different, mine had no separation anxiety that I could detect, and never has. Probably because we separate and started separating early. Has she had time without you yet? With just your husband, even? I think that is really important, for her and for you.
3. I wouldn't assume that all is well without you (people are good at hiding problems until you're back in the office!) but if they are, that is AWESOME. All you need to do is take it slow. Get a regular schedule of 1-1 meetings set up. Get to know what's happening, who is happy, what they're thinking about. Talk to your boss about how you can make her job easier. But don't feel like you have to go in and make drastic changes.
Set your schedule NOW. Make sure everyone knows that you will be in work at X hour and leaving work by Y hour unless there is an absolute emergency. You can log on after work, if you need to, but put a block on your calendar that says "X heading home PLEASE DO NOT OVERBOOK" for your normal time. If your office has very regular hours you can disregard this, but otherwise, NOW is the time to set your boundaries. People will respect them if you set them respectfully, and you, your partner, and your child, deserve it.
posted by ch1x0r at 12:14 PM on November 21, 2014
2. Every baby is different, mine had no separation anxiety that I could detect, and never has. Probably because we separate and started separating early. Has she had time without you yet? With just your husband, even? I think that is really important, for her and for you.
3. I wouldn't assume that all is well without you (people are good at hiding problems until you're back in the office!) but if they are, that is AWESOME. All you need to do is take it slow. Get a regular schedule of 1-1 meetings set up. Get to know what's happening, who is happy, what they're thinking about. Talk to your boss about how you can make her job easier. But don't feel like you have to go in and make drastic changes.
Set your schedule NOW. Make sure everyone knows that you will be in work at X hour and leaving work by Y hour unless there is an absolute emergency. You can log on after work, if you need to, but put a block on your calendar that says "X heading home PLEASE DO NOT OVERBOOK" for your normal time. If your office has very regular hours you can disregard this, but otherwise, NOW is the time to set your boundaries. People will respect them if you set them respectfully, and you, your partner, and your child, deserve it.
posted by ch1x0r at 12:14 PM on November 21, 2014
My daughter just went to daycare for the first time last week at 7 months and she had a grand old time. Was not particularly happy to see me when I picked her up, either, more of a "oh there you are. Look, new toys!"
That first day I walked around feeling both incredibly free and as if I were missing a limb. But just being able to leave the house without packing up a baby with every stupid bit that entails made it worth it. I stopped by the farmer's market after a meeting! I had a call on skype uninterrupted by barfing/wailing/excited screeching! I had lunch without using my napkin as an impromptu burp cloth! It's the little things.
But, most importantly, I suddenly felt like an adult again and not just MOM. Was I anxious about her being scared or upset? Of course. She wasn't, though, and I am a much more effective parent and worker when I'm not torn between the two all the time.
posted by lydhre at 12:23 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
That first day I walked around feeling both incredibly free and as if I were missing a limb. But just being able to leave the house without packing up a baby with every stupid bit that entails made it worth it. I stopped by the farmer's market after a meeting! I had a call on skype uninterrupted by barfing/wailing/excited screeching! I had lunch without using my napkin as an impromptu burp cloth! It's the little things.
But, most importantly, I suddenly felt like an adult again and not just MOM. Was I anxious about her being scared or upset? Of course. She wasn't, though, and I am a much more effective parent and worker when I'm not torn between the two all the time.
posted by lydhre at 12:23 PM on November 21, 2014 [3 favorites]
I did this in May, transitioned to a nanny rather than daycare but parts of the experience will translate.
1. Absolutely second the advice to make it a gradual transition - for you as well as for baby. This will give you so much more confidence about leaving her in daycare as well as helping you identify trouble spots.
For us, a solid morning routine was key. I've found that pushing my shower / blowdry to the night before really gives me some extra time to connect with the baby in the mornings, which I love. Basically, any time he's awake and we're not working, we are with him as much as possible. Evening routines are less important, but both of us do find that we time shift - both work and personal tasks - to the evening. I use an hour or two most days to catch up on work emails and plan calendars, for instance. This gives me a little more flexibility during the day if I have a difficult commute.
Outsource non-essential tasks if you can. For us, prioritizing time with him in the mornings, evenings and weekends is key. So we outsource as much of our home/life maintenance as possible, and try to do the rest when he is sleeping. That allows us so much more time to be together and have fun as a family, and that in turn really reduces the stress around not being with him 100%.
Lastly, I only learned this since becoming a mom and I assume it's kind of obvious to most people. But every little task I can do now is one I don't have to do later. This applies to work and home. Become excellent at using those little five minute pieces of time to load the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, pack up some old books to donate, send an email. Declutter your house so that you have to manage less stuff. Plan a limited everything-matches wardrobe so that you don't have to worry about clothes. Just reduce your list of tasks and decisions at every opportunity.
2. She is going to be fine, and she won't know any different in a few weeks. My son loves his caregiver so much - when she walks in the door he is totally excited to see her. And then he's super excited to see me at the end of the day. She will be fine.
3. This puts you in an awesome position to return to work. Try and connect with your team members 1:1 and ask them to tell you about everything that's been going on. Ask them how they feel about what they have delivered, and importantly, where they feel improvements are necessary and what should be done. Ask them where they think your focus should be, and then assemble a plan to work through with your boss. Your team will be your best allies in your return to work if you treat them like valued, knowledgeable partners. Take advantage of the fact that they have been doing well to prepare a plan to 'take things to the next level".
4. Don't try to do everything all at once, return to work, put her in full time daycare, start pumping and bottlefeeding. Make the transitions as gradual as possible. Don't stress out about other things or plan a lot of social events. DON'T MISS OUT ON SLEEP!!!! If you are pumping, don't stress about milk production and giving the occasional bottle of formula.
Good luck!
posted by yogalemon at 12:24 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
1. Absolutely second the advice to make it a gradual transition - for you as well as for baby. This will give you so much more confidence about leaving her in daycare as well as helping you identify trouble spots.
For us, a solid morning routine was key. I've found that pushing my shower / blowdry to the night before really gives me some extra time to connect with the baby in the mornings, which I love. Basically, any time he's awake and we're not working, we are with him as much as possible. Evening routines are less important, but both of us do find that we time shift - both work and personal tasks - to the evening. I use an hour or two most days to catch up on work emails and plan calendars, for instance. This gives me a little more flexibility during the day if I have a difficult commute.
Outsource non-essential tasks if you can. For us, prioritizing time with him in the mornings, evenings and weekends is key. So we outsource as much of our home/life maintenance as possible, and try to do the rest when he is sleeping. That allows us so much more time to be together and have fun as a family, and that in turn really reduces the stress around not being with him 100%.
Lastly, I only learned this since becoming a mom and I assume it's kind of obvious to most people. But every little task I can do now is one I don't have to do later. This applies to work and home. Become excellent at using those little five minute pieces of time to load the dishwasher, do a load of laundry, pack up some old books to donate, send an email. Declutter your house so that you have to manage less stuff. Plan a limited everything-matches wardrobe so that you don't have to worry about clothes. Just reduce your list of tasks and decisions at every opportunity.
2. She is going to be fine, and she won't know any different in a few weeks. My son loves his caregiver so much - when she walks in the door he is totally excited to see her. And then he's super excited to see me at the end of the day. She will be fine.
3. This puts you in an awesome position to return to work. Try and connect with your team members 1:1 and ask them to tell you about everything that's been going on. Ask them how they feel about what they have delivered, and importantly, where they feel improvements are necessary and what should be done. Ask them where they think your focus should be, and then assemble a plan to work through with your boss. Your team will be your best allies in your return to work if you treat them like valued, knowledgeable partners. Take advantage of the fact that they have been doing well to prepare a plan to 'take things to the next level".
4. Don't try to do everything all at once, return to work, put her in full time daycare, start pumping and bottlefeeding. Make the transitions as gradual as possible. Don't stress out about other things or plan a lot of social events. DON'T MISS OUT ON SLEEP!!!! If you are pumping, don't stress about milk production and giving the occasional bottle of formula.
Good luck!
posted by yogalemon at 12:24 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I went back to work 4 months after my baby was born and was also shortly promoted to running a team, which I had a lot of trepidation about. (I really wanted to lean out that first year!)
In terms of dealing with your mixed feelings about daycare, I've found it helpful to try to separate out my reactions to what *I* wanted from what I was projecting my son would want. In other words, I was missing him while I was at work and wishing I could just hang out with him all day, and that was a feeling that was a lot easier to deal with if I wasn't projecting it onto him and thinking "oh my god he probably misses me so much" without evidence to the contrary. (In fact, for the first few months of daycare, his dad would drop him off and he would be off crawling to the other babies without so much as a backwards glance.) Also, it was helpful to recognize that what might be ideal in the short-term wouldn't necessarily be ideal in the longer-term; in a perfect world, I might have liked to stay home with him for a full year then go back to work, but that wasn't an option and I thought having him in a high-quality daycare a few months earlier than I might have preferred was still better if it let me stay in a job that provided significant flexibility, good benefits, and good pay.
On the logistical side of things, I cannot HIGHLY RECOMMEND ENOUGH having your husband or partner do the daycare drop-off (with you doing the pick-up if necessary), especially in the first few weeks when you might feel a bit raw about things. Might not work in the first few days if you're dropping in to breastfeed or check on your baby, but for me this took so much of the immediate pain out of the goodbye each day--I got to give a kiss and cuddle and then my baby was leaving with my husband rather than me leaving my baby.
Last: many of the supervisory-level professional folks I work with who have small children have picked up a split schedule, where they absolutely no-question leave a bit early (for me, it's by 3:30pm, others by 4:00pm) to go pick up their kid and spend a few hours before bed, and then end up logging back in at 7:30pm or so to answer emails and wrap up their day. It's a bit tough but if you can swing it, it makes a huge difference in feeling like you have a decent few hours with your kid before they go to sleep during the week.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:30 PM on November 21, 2014
In terms of dealing with your mixed feelings about daycare, I've found it helpful to try to separate out my reactions to what *I* wanted from what I was projecting my son would want. In other words, I was missing him while I was at work and wishing I could just hang out with him all day, and that was a feeling that was a lot easier to deal with if I wasn't projecting it onto him and thinking "oh my god he probably misses me so much" without evidence to the contrary. (In fact, for the first few months of daycare, his dad would drop him off and he would be off crawling to the other babies without so much as a backwards glance.) Also, it was helpful to recognize that what might be ideal in the short-term wouldn't necessarily be ideal in the longer-term; in a perfect world, I might have liked to stay home with him for a full year then go back to work, but that wasn't an option and I thought having him in a high-quality daycare a few months earlier than I might have preferred was still better if it let me stay in a job that provided significant flexibility, good benefits, and good pay.
On the logistical side of things, I cannot HIGHLY RECOMMEND ENOUGH having your husband or partner do the daycare drop-off (with you doing the pick-up if necessary), especially in the first few weeks when you might feel a bit raw about things. Might not work in the first few days if you're dropping in to breastfeed or check on your baby, but for me this took so much of the immediate pain out of the goodbye each day--I got to give a kiss and cuddle and then my baby was leaving with my husband rather than me leaving my baby.
Last: many of the supervisory-level professional folks I work with who have small children have picked up a split schedule, where they absolutely no-question leave a bit early (for me, it's by 3:30pm, others by 4:00pm) to go pick up their kid and spend a few hours before bed, and then end up logging back in at 7:30pm or so to answer emails and wrap up their day. It's a bit tough but if you can swing it, it makes a huge difference in feeling like you have a decent few hours with your kid before they go to sleep during the week.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:30 PM on November 21, 2014
Last: many of the supervisory-level professional folks I work with who have small children have picked up a split schedule, where they absolutely no-question leave a bit early (for me, it's by 3:30pm, others by 4:00pm) to go pick up their kid and spend a few hours before bed, and then end up logging back in at 7:30pm or so to answer emails and wrap up their day. It's a bit tough but if you can swing it, it makes a huge difference in feeling like you have a decent few hours with your kid before they go to sleep during the week.
Yup. I leave work at 3:45. We leave daycare a few minutes after 4:00, and we're home by about 4:30. Baby goes to sleep at 8:00, so we get some good quality family time. I also stay home with my son for an extra 1.5 hours every morning so we can have a relaxed morning, play outside and read a few books. Then he naps while I walk him to daycare. After he goes to sleep, and for several hours on weekends, I make up the time. It's a bit of a scramble, but SO WORTH IT.
posted by Cygnet at 12:34 PM on November 21, 2014
Yup. I leave work at 3:45. We leave daycare a few minutes after 4:00, and we're home by about 4:30. Baby goes to sleep at 8:00, so we get some good quality family time. I also stay home with my son for an extra 1.5 hours every morning so we can have a relaxed morning, play outside and read a few books. Then he naps while I walk him to daycare. After he goes to sleep, and for several hours on weekends, I make up the time. It's a bit of a scramble, but SO WORTH IT.
posted by Cygnet at 12:34 PM on November 21, 2014
I second having your partner do daycare drop-off the first week or so-- it was so much easier for me to wait in the car while my husband walked my oldest into the daycare the first few days.
Also, I was super excited that the daycare encouraged nursing moms to drop by, but I discovered pretty quickly that when I did that, it totally disrupted baby's day, giving her two sad "mama leaving me" transitions instead of just one. (I think YMMV for that one, depending on your kid.)
Also, I pumped, which was fine, but I found that my baby reverse-cycled, meaning that she nursed a *lot* at night to make up for not being as interested in bottles of milk during the day. I wish I'd know that was a "thing" ahead of time so I could make a plan for it.
posted by instamatic at 1:27 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, I was super excited that the daycare encouraged nursing moms to drop by, but I discovered pretty quickly that when I did that, it totally disrupted baby's day, giving her two sad "mama leaving me" transitions instead of just one. (I think YMMV for that one, depending on your kid.)
Also, I pumped, which was fine, but I found that my baby reverse-cycled, meaning that she nursed a *lot* at night to make up for not being as interested in bottles of milk during the day. I wish I'd know that was a "thing" ahead of time so I could make a plan for it.
posted by instamatic at 1:27 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hey just so you know, if you don't have the kind of job or the kind of employer that makes the flexible transitions and working arrangements people are endorsing here possible for your family, that's okay. Literally millions of people work 9 - 5 with their infants in daycare, and as long as you make the quality of the daycare providers your priority, it will be OK. Even if the transition is rocky and you end up bawling in the loo at work at first, it will even out and still get to OK.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:29 PM on November 21, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:29 PM on November 21, 2014 [9 favorites]
You don't mention if you're breastfeeding, or if you plan to pump when you're back at work. Most of my advice has to do with this, so you can probably skip this answer if you're formula feeding.
First, you don't need two pumps. Just leave your pump at work! If you have a microwave at work, you can get microwave bags or a permanent microwave contraption to sterilize bottles and pump parts at work so you don't have to take anything home but milk. This makes things much less complicated.
Second, make sure you have a good place to pump at work. Ideally, you'd be able to leave your pump set up at your pumping place, so you don't have to spend precious time putting together and taking apart your pump. Believe me, this is huge.
Third, if you can leave your stash of milk at school rather than just bringing in that day's supply, that's ideal. Label each bottle with a date and put the oldest first so older milk doesn't expire.
Speaking of supply, start now to build up a little supply to freeze as emergency backup in case your baby is ravenous while at daycare. It's not that common, most babies will reverse cycle (not eat much at daycare, nurse a lot at night) but it's good to be prepared.
Pack the baby's diaper bag the night before so you don't have to deal with it in the morning. If you cloth diaper, just start a load of laundry when you walk in the door after work so you can take stuff straight out of the dryer and put it in the diaper bag before bed.
I did go straight from maternity leave to a full 40-hour week, when my baby was 9 weeks old. The first day sucked, but you figure out your routine quickly. So if that makes more sense for you, know that it's not impossible. I called a meeting the second day (first was basically catching up on email and figuring out my pumping routine) with my coworkers to catch me up on everything that had gone on while I was gone, and to set short-term goals.
I think at 3 months, the baby will probably transition just fine. My son only had separation anxiety at age one (and it's rearing its head again at almost-4) but little babies are generally OK with new people.
Also, in retrospect, pumping at work is a HUGE commitment. It felt important to me at the time, and I had such an oversupply that I was able to donate a lot which felt good, but I realized after I stopped pumping when my son turned one that I pretty much had NO breaks and NO life because pumping was taking so much time; I suddenly could actually use my lunch break to eat and it felt so liberating. If I had it to do over again, I would think seriously about using formula so I could make things easier on myself that first year. So, I give you permission to use formula if you are in a position to make that decision.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:39 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
First, you don't need two pumps. Just leave your pump at work! If you have a microwave at work, you can get microwave bags or a permanent microwave contraption to sterilize bottles and pump parts at work so you don't have to take anything home but milk. This makes things much less complicated.
Second, make sure you have a good place to pump at work. Ideally, you'd be able to leave your pump set up at your pumping place, so you don't have to spend precious time putting together and taking apart your pump. Believe me, this is huge.
Third, if you can leave your stash of milk at school rather than just bringing in that day's supply, that's ideal. Label each bottle with a date and put the oldest first so older milk doesn't expire.
Speaking of supply, start now to build up a little supply to freeze as emergency backup in case your baby is ravenous while at daycare. It's not that common, most babies will reverse cycle (not eat much at daycare, nurse a lot at night) but it's good to be prepared.
Pack the baby's diaper bag the night before so you don't have to deal with it in the morning. If you cloth diaper, just start a load of laundry when you walk in the door after work so you can take stuff straight out of the dryer and put it in the diaper bag before bed.
I did go straight from maternity leave to a full 40-hour week, when my baby was 9 weeks old. The first day sucked, but you figure out your routine quickly. So if that makes more sense for you, know that it's not impossible. I called a meeting the second day (first was basically catching up on email and figuring out my pumping routine) with my coworkers to catch me up on everything that had gone on while I was gone, and to set short-term goals.
I think at 3 months, the baby will probably transition just fine. My son only had separation anxiety at age one (and it's rearing its head again at almost-4) but little babies are generally OK with new people.
Also, in retrospect, pumping at work is a HUGE commitment. It felt important to me at the time, and I had such an oversupply that I was able to donate a lot which felt good, but I realized after I stopped pumping when my son turned one that I pretty much had NO breaks and NO life because pumping was taking so much time; I suddenly could actually use my lunch break to eat and it felt so liberating. If I had it to do over again, I would think seriously about using formula so I could make things easier on myself that first year. So, I give you permission to use formula if you are in a position to make that decision.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:39 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Oh, and if you're pumping, see the question I asked about it that got lots of great answers.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:45 PM on November 21, 2014
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:45 PM on November 21, 2014
The first couple of days at daycare might be rough for baby but she'll settle in fast. Start back to work in the middle of the week if you can, so there's a weekend coming up soon.
Here's how I framed daycare in my mind (we had a home daycare FWIW): I have a rough night with the baby, I wake up tired and frustrated at the world. I take baby to daycare where her babysitter is well-rested and NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! I go to work, catch my breath, and use my grownup brain but also miss baby, and by end of work I go rushing into daycare NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! And we go home and have snuggle time and play time and put her to bed and then we have a rough night and I wake up tired and frustrated at the world and lather rinse repeat.
But I think it's good for a baby to always have someone happy to see her, as opposed to my maternity leave days of I love this baby more than life itself but if I have to spend one more hour alone in the house with this crying I am gonna lose my fucking shit.
My pumping/bottle solution: Use Medela pump and the adapter to the playtex nursers (the ones with the disposable liners). Pump straight into bottle with disposable liner. The 4oz ones fit in the Medela cooler perfectly. Extra bottles get frozen, then the frozen cylinder of milk in liner goes into a ziplock. Can be dropped back into nursers for defrosting. It meant I didn't need to wash bottles, or use milk storage bags, or have all that many special freezer bottles. I only ever used the 4 ounce ones, and kept a few 2oz storage bottles on hand for those "just need a bit more" moments. I kept an emergency stash of frozen milk at daycare, and each afternoon at dropoff I'd leave the next day's milk (that had been pumped straight into bottles) in the daycare fridge and pick up the used bottles for the following day's pumping. The nipples just stayed at daycare - I had flat caps for transporting the nursers. And the nursers don't really even need very careful washing because the liner is disposable. I used store brand liners and they were fine.
posted by telepanda at 2:49 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
Here's how I framed daycare in my mind (we had a home daycare FWIW): I have a rough night with the baby, I wake up tired and frustrated at the world. I take baby to daycare where her babysitter is well-rested and NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! I go to work, catch my breath, and use my grownup brain but also miss baby, and by end of work I go rushing into daycare NANOPANDA!!!! SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU! And we go home and have snuggle time and play time and put her to bed and then we have a rough night and I wake up tired and frustrated at the world and lather rinse repeat.
But I think it's good for a baby to always have someone happy to see her, as opposed to my maternity leave days of I love this baby more than life itself but if I have to spend one more hour alone in the house with this crying I am gonna lose my fucking shit.
My pumping/bottle solution: Use Medela pump and the adapter to the playtex nursers (the ones with the disposable liners). Pump straight into bottle with disposable liner. The 4oz ones fit in the Medela cooler perfectly. Extra bottles get frozen, then the frozen cylinder of milk in liner goes into a ziplock. Can be dropped back into nursers for defrosting. It meant I didn't need to wash bottles, or use milk storage bags, or have all that many special freezer bottles. I only ever used the 4 ounce ones, and kept a few 2oz storage bottles on hand for those "just need a bit more" moments. I kept an emergency stash of frozen milk at daycare, and each afternoon at dropoff I'd leave the next day's milk (that had been pumped straight into bottles) in the daycare fridge and pick up the used bottles for the following day's pumping. The nipples just stayed at daycare - I had flat caps for transporting the nursers. And the nursers don't really even need very careful washing because the liner is disposable. I used store brand liners and they were fine.
posted by telepanda at 2:49 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]
I bought a dorm fridge for my office when I went back to work so I didn't have to wash pump parts during the day. I preferred the privacy of that to a communal office fridge. Pumping at work is terrible. I was happy when I could use the fridge for beer again.
I had serious issues with sleep deprivation. I almost fell asleep at the wheel twice (that I can remember) on my drive home from work. I did all the night wakings and that was a mistake. Get your partner to do some night waking so you can get some proper sleep. I would also suggest driving home in daylight hours if possible or commuting some other way.
You are not going to hit the ground running at work. Just accept this now. It will take you a month or so to get a good handle on things. Get a mentor, preferably female, and figure out some way to rebuild credibility with your team.
posted by crazycanuck at 3:16 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I had serious issues with sleep deprivation. I almost fell asleep at the wheel twice (that I can remember) on my drive home from work. I did all the night wakings and that was a mistake. Get your partner to do some night waking so you can get some proper sleep. I would also suggest driving home in daylight hours if possible or commuting some other way.
You are not going to hit the ground running at work. Just accept this now. It will take you a month or so to get a good handle on things. Get a mentor, preferably female, and figure out some way to rebuild credibility with your team.
posted by crazycanuck at 3:16 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was in a similar situation with my first child (unexpected early departure, 4 month leave and new supervisory position), though I went back part time for a while and had relatives/nanny filling in the gaps for a while. The baby part was fine. What I didn't expect was a feeling I got at work that people (not all people, but more than a few) weren't taking me as seriously as they had before. A sometimes subtle, sometimes not, sense that they didn't really expect me to worry my little head to much about this work stuff. Or maybe more that they didn't expect that I would really make much of an effort now that there was A BABY in my life. (This wouldn't seem so surprising in a male dominated field, but I'm a friggin librarian. Weird.) Anyway, I also had a new reportee who seemed convinced that he could do my job better than me. He thought because he'd done a little work and made some decisions while I was out, that they everything was good. It wasn't. He had some good ideas but didn't have a good grasp on some important things and so there was cleanup and fixing that needed to be done.
I tackled both of these problems by being more assertive and less self effacing. It's a work in progress but I try to avoid qualifying my opinions as much (maybe, I could be wrong, etc), I try to avoid framing orders as questions (please do x. Instead of, do you mind doing x?) and just being generally clearer about making decisions. I also generally avoid bringing my kids into conversation unless someone asks about them (a lot of people do), and give very brief answers to those people who are really only asking to be polite. And I avoid using them as an explanation for things (being late, not sleeping well), even if they sort of are the reason. Basically I tried to be a more overtly confident version of my non-mom self, and the general weirdness got better pretty quickly.
Sorry if this is getting to naval gazing, I just wanted to share bc it wasn't something I wasnt expecting. And to point out that just because things are chugging along without you, and people are doing work, and nothing has exploded -- that doesn't mean that the work is being done well or that someone hasn't accidentally lit a slow burning fuse. In other words, it doesn't mean you aren't needed or important. Most places can float along under absent or bad leadership before the cracks start showing. But I'd bet that your workplace will benefit greatly from having you back, getting folks back on track, better coordinated or better prepared for the future.
So, be prepared for some people to be weird initially, and to clean up some messes, but you can totally do it and if it's a little tough initially, it will get better soon!
posted by pennypiper at 8:39 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
I tackled both of these problems by being more assertive and less self effacing. It's a work in progress but I try to avoid qualifying my opinions as much (maybe, I could be wrong, etc), I try to avoid framing orders as questions (please do x. Instead of, do you mind doing x?) and just being generally clearer about making decisions. I also generally avoid bringing my kids into conversation unless someone asks about them (a lot of people do), and give very brief answers to those people who are really only asking to be polite. And I avoid using them as an explanation for things (being late, not sleeping well), even if they sort of are the reason. Basically I tried to be a more overtly confident version of my non-mom self, and the general weirdness got better pretty quickly.
Sorry if this is getting to naval gazing, I just wanted to share bc it wasn't something I wasnt expecting. And to point out that just because things are chugging along without you, and people are doing work, and nothing has exploded -- that doesn't mean that the work is being done well or that someone hasn't accidentally lit a slow burning fuse. In other words, it doesn't mean you aren't needed or important. Most places can float along under absent or bad leadership before the cracks start showing. But I'd bet that your workplace will benefit greatly from having you back, getting folks back on track, better coordinated or better prepared for the future.
So, be prepared for some people to be weird initially, and to clean up some messes, but you can totally do it and if it's a little tough initially, it will get better soon!
posted by pennypiper at 8:39 PM on November 21, 2014 [1 favorite]
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1. Please share your sage advice/hacks/guidance on how to transition the little one to daycare and myself back to work with minimal emotional distress and upheaval. If you have any logistical tips (time saving advice, for example) that would be helpful too.
Your baby is 4 months old? Every baby is different, but at this age babies typically do have some stranger anxiety, but not much separation anxiety. Basically, I wouldn't be surprised if she's afraid of strangers, but not afraid to be left with people she knows. So, you'll probably want to take 2-3 days and stay with her all day at the daycare. (If the daycare doesn't allow this... honestly, pick a new daycare. Believe me, I know that's not easy.) Be really friendly with her teachers, and try to facilitate as many positive interactions between your baby and her new caregivers as possible. Babies learn quickly, and after a few days I bet she will feel much more comfortable with all the new people. When you do leave, leave quickly. You can peep in to check that she's OK, but don't make it a drawn-out process. If you're anything like me, you'll feel like you're giving her up forever and you'll sob for a few days. It gets better. Time saving tips: make a checklist for all the stuff you need to bring each day and tape it on your door so you don't have to keep the list in your mind every morning. Try to pack things the night before.
2. Will my baby be distraught with me for leaving her in daycare (sorry if this is a stupid question) or will she not even really notice? Any particular way I should soothe her especially in the beginning?
I'm sure she'll notice, but at her age she probably won't be very distraught if the transition is gradual. I dunno, though, she might be. You should act calm, use a calm voice, and try very hard to not to convey any anxiety to her. It would be a good idea to leave a shirt or something that smells like you. In general, from what I've observed at my son's school (daycare), the littlest babies generally have the least trouble. Once they start having separation anxiety, like my son, it gets more challenging, and it can be REALLY REALLY hard for older toddlers or preschoolers if they've never been away from their parents.
3. Give me some ideas on how to hit the ground running supervising a team of folks who have been essentially doing your job/functioning well without you for the past four months...
I'm not a supervisor, but I am the senior member of a team, and when I came back from maternity leave I asked everybody for all the details about things that gone wrong while I was away. That helped me figure out where I could be most useful.
4. Any tips on what NOT to do when returning back to work/putting LO in daycare would be helpful too...
Absolutely do NOT just plan to go back to work full time from the very first day. If you can, plan a full week for making the transition. For the first days you might just be at the daycare, and then try taking longer and longer "trips" to work. This will be for you as much as for your baby. You will have a very hard time focussing on work and you might call the daycare all the time to make sure the baby is OK. I did.
posted by Cygnet at 12:02 PM on November 21, 2014 [2 favorites]