How to get over my anger about assault/street harrassment
November 5, 2014 9:20 PM Subscribe
A couple of days ago, riding my bicycle home from work, a random guy in a van who was passing me whacked me on the bum with his hand from the window of his car. I nearly fell off into traffic, and it was upsetting and rage-inducing, and I still feel really worked up about it. I'm finding myself dreading my bicycle commute now, and spending way too much mental energy on this. Has anyone got any suggestions for ways to deal with those emotions and stop letting this eat me up?
I know in the scheme of Things That Happen to Women (and Things That Happen to Cyclists) this is really minor, but it's only the second time that street harrassment has turned physical on me, and it took me months to get over the last (admittedly scarier) incident (years ago). Normal catcalling or whatever makes me RAGE MONSTER for an hour or so afterwards and then I stop thinking about it, but this is different.
I didn't get his numberplate or see his face, so I can't report it to the police or anything.
Most of my bike commute is off-road, but there's this one stretch where I have to ride on the street, and I am all tense and angry and easily startled riding it the last couple of days since this event. I also feel less safe on the off-road bit, which is quite isolated bushland, where I previously felt really at peace, and it was one of the highlights of my day. And it makes me even more angry that this one asshole has (hopefully temporarily) ruined that for me too.
So yeah, I'm hoping that those of you who have experienced this sort of thing have suggestions for ways to think about it, ways to not think about it, or ways to think about my commute that will help me just get over it already.
I know in the scheme of Things That Happen to Women (and Things That Happen to Cyclists) this is really minor, but it's only the second time that street harrassment has turned physical on me, and it took me months to get over the last (admittedly scarier) incident (years ago). Normal catcalling or whatever makes me RAGE MONSTER for an hour or so afterwards and then I stop thinking about it, but this is different.
I didn't get his numberplate or see his face, so I can't report it to the police or anything.
Most of my bike commute is off-road, but there's this one stretch where I have to ride on the street, and I am all tense and angry and easily startled riding it the last couple of days since this event. I also feel less safe on the off-road bit, which is quite isolated bushland, where I previously felt really at peace, and it was one of the highlights of my day. And it makes me even more angry that this one asshole has (hopefully temporarily) ruined that for me too.
So yeah, I'm hoping that those of you who have experienced this sort of thing have suggestions for ways to think about it, ways to not think about it, or ways to think about my commute that will help me just get over it already.
Best answer: Have you talked about this to anyone? Not just mentioned it, like, really dug into your rage and fear and expressed how angry you are that this happened to you and how much bullshit it is where you have to live in this world where women have to be afraid of things like that?
Sometimes some of the unbalance from really scary incidents like that, for me, comes from feeling like I did something wrong. Bullshit, I know, but it's just so socially ingrained. So having somewhere to vent, and someone to vent to, loudly and unapologetically and with understanding, really helps me move past it.
Note: this cannot be just a sympathetic ear. Do you have a girlfriend who also experiences street harassment or who is friendly to feminist rantings? In order for it to be really therapeutic, I find that it is necessary that the person not only agrees, but is angry about this with me. Then we get angry together, and it feels like-- okay, this was a shitty thing that happens, but there are people out there who have my back and I'm not crazy and someday catcalling won't be a thing and also someday we're gonna find that guy and rip his arms off.
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:28 PM on November 5, 2014 [15 favorites]
Sometimes some of the unbalance from really scary incidents like that, for me, comes from feeling like I did something wrong. Bullshit, I know, but it's just so socially ingrained. So having somewhere to vent, and someone to vent to, loudly and unapologetically and with understanding, really helps me move past it.
Note: this cannot be just a sympathetic ear. Do you have a girlfriend who also experiences street harassment or who is friendly to feminist rantings? In order for it to be really therapeutic, I find that it is necessary that the person not only agrees, but is angry about this with me. Then we get angry together, and it feels like-- okay, this was a shitty thing that happens, but there are people out there who have my back and I'm not crazy and someday catcalling won't be a thing and also someday we're gonna find that guy and rip his arms off.
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:28 PM on November 5, 2014 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: I think you might consider reporting it to the police even if you don't have any obvious means of identifying the perpetrator.
Are the police not just going to laugh if I say I don't know what the guy looked like, only have a vague memory of what his van looked like, and don't have a number plate? I mean, what can they do with that information?
posted by lollusc at 9:36 PM on November 5, 2014
Are the police not just going to laugh if I say I don't know what the guy looked like, only have a vague memory of what his van looked like, and don't have a number plate? I mean, what can they do with that information?
posted by lollusc at 9:36 PM on November 5, 2014
Best answer: Please report it. You might not have got the number or a description, but you have the location at least, and there's a non-zero chance that Fuckwit Van Arsehole has done this before and will do it again, so you're establishing (or perhaps adding to) a record.
The only thing that comes close (and it's not really close at all) to dealing with that kind of harassment was when I was knocked off my bike by idiot drivers and had to ride the same streets, and it made me twitchy for a while. I changed my route, I sang rude songs at drivers, I set myself split times between junctions and lights. That takes away the kind of zen state of a familiar bike ride, but it was a way of telling myself I was in control.
posted by holgate at 9:41 PM on November 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
The only thing that comes close (and it's not really close at all) to dealing with that kind of harassment was when I was knocked off my bike by idiot drivers and had to ride the same streets, and it made me twitchy for a while. I changed my route, I sang rude songs at drivers, I set myself split times between junctions and lights. That takes away the kind of zen state of a familiar bike ride, but it was a way of telling myself I was in control.
posted by holgate at 9:41 PM on November 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
Your local cycling group or sexual assault centre will likely know the name of officer(s) who will take you seriously and be able to help you make contact with these officers. (They may just know who this is because of previous complaints, I would not be surprised.)
And agree with the suggestion of a check in with your rantiest feminist friend and just let loose. It's not fair to carry it, and it sucks to feel helpessly enraged.
Sometimes one needs righteous anger, an idea I take from bell hooks. I'll try to find the essay...
posted by chapps at 9:47 PM on November 5, 2014 [13 favorites]
And agree with the suggestion of a check in with your rantiest feminist friend and just let loose. It's not fair to carry it, and it sucks to feel helpessly enraged.
Sometimes one needs righteous anger, an idea I take from bell hooks. I'll try to find the essay...
posted by chapps at 9:47 PM on November 5, 2014 [13 favorites]
Best answer: chapps made me think of another thing: Where I live we have a Bicycle Action Group. Part of what they do includes things like semi-formal cyclist commuter counts at certain times of year and compiling other relevant data. If your town has more than a few cyclists, you might ahve one too, and if you do, they might be interested in hearing about this-- especially if you pitch it as a contribution to or the start of an effort to document harassment of cyclists by motorists.
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:51 PM on November 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:51 PM on November 5, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Okay, cool. I just called the non-emergency line now and they won't take a report over the phone but they assured me it was worth coming into a station to report it for their records. That actually makes me feel a bit better already.
posted by lollusc at 9:52 PM on November 5, 2014 [63 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 9:52 PM on November 5, 2014 [63 favorites]
Don't downplay this -- this jerk assaulted you and it's not okay. Stay calm while giving your report, but know that the rage and anger you feel is understandable, warranted, justified, and okay. I will gladly have a rage sesh with you if you need it. Trying to marginalize experiences like this because we think it's futile to do anything more about them = 1 way ticket to toxic city. Fingers crossed that they find the guy.
When I got assaulted a few years ago, the officers who took my info were able to find the guy as he's been doing what he did to me to other women for months. The officers told me that they gave him an experience to fear for the rest of his life. It was the only time I ever felt validated and protected by the police, and I'm still grateful for it, even if it was the last time that'll probably ever be the case. Justice can happen.. It's just... Not as frequent as it should be.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:58 PM on November 5, 2014 [13 favorites]
When I got assaulted a few years ago, the officers who took my info were able to find the guy as he's been doing what he did to me to other women for months. The officers told me that they gave him an experience to fear for the rest of his life. It was the only time I ever felt validated and protected by the police, and I'm still grateful for it, even if it was the last time that'll probably ever be the case. Justice can happen.. It's just... Not as frequent as it should be.
posted by Hermione Granger at 9:58 PM on November 5, 2014 [13 favorites]
Are the police not just going to laugh if I say I don't know what the guy looked like, only have a vague memory of what his van looked like, and don't have a number plate? I mean, what can they do with that information?
I don't know exactly what they can do. THey know their jobs better than I know their jobs. One possibility I was thinking of was that they might check nearby traffic cameras, if there are any. See when you pass. See what "blue cars" (or whatever) pass within a few minutes. Do some extra elimination (that car is too high...he couldn't have reached -- or whatever), that car doesn't have any passengers (it would have to have been a passenger, not driver, right?)...etc. and then pay a visit to any drivers not eliminated.
Maybe that's too Law and Order. But anyway, who knows how cops do what they do, except hopefully them? Let them figure out what to do. And who knows, even if they can't find the person based on what you give them, maybe the next woman gets a license plate and you get to be the "yes, someone in a car like that did that to me, too!" complaint that seals the deal.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:06 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I don't know exactly what they can do. THey know their jobs better than I know their jobs. One possibility I was thinking of was that they might check nearby traffic cameras, if there are any. See when you pass. See what "blue cars" (or whatever) pass within a few minutes. Do some extra elimination (that car is too high...he couldn't have reached -- or whatever), that car doesn't have any passengers (it would have to have been a passenger, not driver, right?)...etc. and then pay a visit to any drivers not eliminated.
Maybe that's too Law and Order. But anyway, who knows how cops do what they do, except hopefully them? Let them figure out what to do. And who knows, even if they can't find the person based on what you give them, maybe the next woman gets a license plate and you get to be the "yes, someone in a car like that did that to me, too!" complaint that seals the deal.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:06 PM on November 5, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm glad the police are taking it seriously. Another thing to look into would be contacting Bicycle NSW. I don't commute by bike anymore but when I did, I joined Bicycle Victoria (similar organisation) and found them very helpful, especially when it came to incidents between motorists/cyclists. Bicycle VIC keeps a database of incidents - usually accidents, but I'm sure they'd be interested in other types as well - and I'd bet Bicycle NSW would do the same thing.
FWIW, I have been having a lot of rage reading about all the street harassment etc lately and I know it would probably be best to stay away from reading about it but am too mad. So I think venting some of your rage would definitely be a good thing to do. Happy to do some mutual venting on memail, or over the phone if you like (we're at least in the same country!)
posted by Athanassiel at 10:07 PM on November 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
FWIW, I have been having a lot of rage reading about all the street harassment etc lately and I know it would probably be best to stay away from reading about it but am too mad. So I think venting some of your rage would definitely be a good thing to do. Happy to do some mutual venting on memail, or over the phone if you like (we're at least in the same country!)
posted by Athanassiel at 10:07 PM on November 5, 2014 [2 favorites]
Is there someone you can ride with for a little bit?
posted by geek anachronism at 10:18 PM on November 5, 2014
posted by geek anachronism at 10:18 PM on November 5, 2014
Over the years, I have met a few guys who have been physically hit by a car while cycling, and it shook some of them up for a while. Now when they ride, they wear a camera (on their helmet, etc.)- but people who do this told me that it helps them with their fears moving forward (ie, next time they will be able to record more info, such as the person/license, etc.).
I am not sure if this solution will work for you at all, but I am mentioning in case one of your fears is: What will you do if this happens again?
posted by Wolfster at 10:24 PM on November 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
I am not sure if this solution will work for you at all, but I am mentioning in case one of your fears is: What will you do if this happens again?
posted by Wolfster at 10:24 PM on November 5, 2014 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I am so sorry this happened to you, lollusc.
I know in the scheme of Things That Happen to Women (and Things That Happen to Cyclists) this is really minor
No, it's not minor at all. It was an assault, a sexual assault at that, and you could have been seriously hurt. Van guy is a fucking criminal asshole.
So yeah, I'm hoping that those of you who have experienced this sort of thing have suggestions for ways to think about it, ways to not think about it, or ways to think about my commute that will help me just get over it already.
It's not the same, but I've had people jump out at my while I've been on the bike, throw cans at me, yell. Because I have no control over these situations (like you I rarely get license plates or descriptions), after the fact I try to characterise them in my head as a force of nature, like being caught in the rain. You don't get angry at the rain. It's unpleasant, but it happens, and you - the individual - can't stop it.
But you can prepare - if you're worried about rain, carry a rain jacket. In this case, maybe a bike camera would make you feel more confident. There are ones that are built into tail lights, and are USB powered.
Note: I don't mean to downplay the personal culpability of van asshole. He's a piece of shit and he made a choice to assault you, and in an ideal situation he would be held to account. The 'force of nature' thing is just a concept that helps me get over these incidents.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:28 PM on November 5, 2014 [12 favorites]
I know in the scheme of Things That Happen to Women (and Things That Happen to Cyclists) this is really minor
No, it's not minor at all. It was an assault, a sexual assault at that, and you could have been seriously hurt. Van guy is a fucking criminal asshole.
So yeah, I'm hoping that those of you who have experienced this sort of thing have suggestions for ways to think about it, ways to not think about it, or ways to think about my commute that will help me just get over it already.
It's not the same, but I've had people jump out at my while I've been on the bike, throw cans at me, yell. Because I have no control over these situations (like you I rarely get license plates or descriptions), after the fact I try to characterise them in my head as a force of nature, like being caught in the rain. You don't get angry at the rain. It's unpleasant, but it happens, and you - the individual - can't stop it.
But you can prepare - if you're worried about rain, carry a rain jacket. In this case, maybe a bike camera would make you feel more confident. There are ones that are built into tail lights, and are USB powered.
Note: I don't mean to downplay the personal culpability of van asshole. He's a piece of shit and he made a choice to assault you, and in an ideal situation he would be held to account. The 'force of nature' thing is just a concept that helps me get over these incidents.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:28 PM on November 5, 2014 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I know in the scheme of Things That Happen to Women (and Things That Happen to Cyclists) this is really minor
It's not, it's sucky and rage-inducing and it makes sense to be incredibly angry about your body being treated as someone's property and cavalierly putting you in a terrifically dangerous situation on top of it. Some people are stupid assholes. That person is a stupid asshole.
I throw a little money Planned Parenthood's way every time I see some horrific anti-choice legislation passed or sometimes even proposed. It helps me to go on with my life with less balled-up, stomach-churning, dizzying anger and rage. Can you throw five, ten, twenty dollars toward a local service that works to protect or empower women? It might help to feel that in the name of this incident you've done something to address the fact that this is a world where such things happen and in hopes that it needn't always be such a world.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:32 AM on November 6, 2014 [9 favorites]
It's not, it's sucky and rage-inducing and it makes sense to be incredibly angry about your body being treated as someone's property and cavalierly putting you in a terrifically dangerous situation on top of it. Some people are stupid assholes. That person is a stupid asshole.
I throw a little money Planned Parenthood's way every time I see some horrific anti-choice legislation passed or sometimes even proposed. It helps me to go on with my life with less balled-up, stomach-churning, dizzying anger and rage. Can you throw five, ten, twenty dollars toward a local service that works to protect or empower women? It might help to feel that in the name of this incident you've done something to address the fact that this is a world where such things happen and in hopes that it needn't always be such a world.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:32 AM on November 6, 2014 [9 favorites]
Are the police not just going to laugh if I say I don't know what the guy looked like, only have a vague memory of what his van looked like, and don't have a number plate? I mean, what can they do with that information?
Don't underestimate the value of your information. You don't just know what his van looks like — you also know his modus operandi!
posted by John Cohen at 5:09 AM on November 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
Don't underestimate the value of your information. You don't just know what his van looks like — you also know his modus operandi!
posted by John Cohen at 5:09 AM on November 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
This happened to me recently except I was running on the street (no sidewalk) and it was a full-on butt grab. I shut down mentally and didn't even stop running. Now when I think of it I am so angry and wish, wish, wish I had reported it. I'm glad you're considering doing that and ultimately it's your choice. This kind of thing is terrible and not ok. It's not just the physical violation itself or what could have happened; it's the psychological infringement, the objectification, and coming face-to-face with another human's complete, utter disregard for you.
What ultimately helped me was reading some classic books like Against Our Will which helped me put my anger into context where I didn't feel I was "overreacting." I also made a personal promise to be a more compassionate person. There's enough terrible out there and I want to be firmly on the side of care and compassion.
posted by Katine at 5:47 AM on November 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
What ultimately helped me was reading some classic books like Against Our Will which helped me put my anger into context where I didn't feel I was "overreacting." I also made a personal promise to be a more compassionate person. There's enough terrible out there and I want to be firmly on the side of care and compassion.
posted by Katine at 5:47 AM on November 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
So glad you decided to report this, and the police are taking it seriously. In addition to contacting your local cycling group, you might also consider posting your story, with as much detail as you can, on the Facebook group for your city. If this guy has done this before, others might be able to add to the picture. (A serial groper just got caught that way in my hometown.) at a minimum, you would be alerting other women.
posted by rpfields at 5:49 AM on November 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by rpfields at 5:49 AM on November 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
Save up for helmetcam. Next time this happens, upload the fucker to YouTube and let /b/ dox him.
posted by flabdablet at 6:29 AM on November 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 6:29 AM on November 6, 2014 [6 favorites]
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and you are absolutely not overreacting. To help get past it, if filing the police report doesn’t do the trick, it might be useful to focus on the fact that the vast majority of the time this does NOT happen to you on your commutes, and that you actually really enjoy most of it. This was an anomaly… unfortunately not a once-in-a-lifetime one, but rare enough that you don’t have to worry about it every time you bike. Just like you don’t have to worry about getting a shoelace caught in the escalator every time you ride one, even though it’s always a possibility.
posted by metasarah at 6:50 AM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 6:50 AM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's not just women and it's not just arse grabs, by the way. Took me a good two months to get over being hit in the side of the head by a raw egg hurled from the window of a car passing way too close as I cycled home from work one evening.
Some people just suck.
posted by flabdablet at 7:12 AM on November 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Some people just suck.
posted by flabdablet at 7:12 AM on November 6, 2014 [3 favorites]
Are the police not just going to laugh if I say I don't know what the guy looked like, only have a vague memory of what his van looked like, and don't have a number plate? I mean, what can they do with that information?
They might laugh at you. They might dismiss your concerns. They might ask what you were wearing or if you maybe "misinterpreted" it (like, maybe he was just giving you a push, so you could get to work faster!....:::eye roll:::). But, if you believe you have the mental fortitude to deal with that, you absolutely should report it -- for your own benefit, and also for the benefit of other women.
Several years ago I filed a police report about a man who followed me home several times and became verbally violent when I ignored him. Despite even knowing the guy's name (he insisted on giving me his email address), they basically dismissed my concerns and said I was probably misinterpreting a clumsy pickup attempt. But, nevertheless, they were required to file the report. A few months later his ex-girlfriend reported him for assault and property damage. My report gave support to her claim. Still, he was given a procedural pass, basically saying "if you don't fuck up for a year, these charges are dismissed." Well, dude couldn't handle that and less than a year later was arrested for raping a woman while on a "date" in the park. Suddenly my "lol crazy females overreacting zomg amirite?" complaint didn't look so silly. The demeanor of the police officers (all men, btw) who I spoke to on each occasion (first, the initial report; second, after the domestic violence incident; third, after the rape) was palpably different -- from dismissive ("you don't know what you experienced") to pity ("seems all you women are getting yourselves mixed up with the bad boys") to something that I think was supposed to be interpreted as respect ("looks like this guy has been a menace to the neighborhood, good thing you had the balls to report him").
Your report is probably dead in the water. But the next person might see his license plate and report that. The next person after that might end up falling into traffic and being seriously injured. One police report often does very little, unfortunately. But every pattern has to start somewhere (and you may not even be the first to report this).
posted by melissasaurus at 7:37 AM on November 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
They might laugh at you. They might dismiss your concerns. They might ask what you were wearing or if you maybe "misinterpreted" it (like, maybe he was just giving you a push, so you could get to work faster!....:::eye roll:::). But, if you believe you have the mental fortitude to deal with that, you absolutely should report it -- for your own benefit, and also for the benefit of other women.
Several years ago I filed a police report about a man who followed me home several times and became verbally violent when I ignored him. Despite even knowing the guy's name (he insisted on giving me his email address), they basically dismissed my concerns and said I was probably misinterpreting a clumsy pickup attempt. But, nevertheless, they were required to file the report. A few months later his ex-girlfriend reported him for assault and property damage. My report gave support to her claim. Still, he was given a procedural pass, basically saying "if you don't fuck up for a year, these charges are dismissed." Well, dude couldn't handle that and less than a year later was arrested for raping a woman while on a "date" in the park. Suddenly my "lol crazy females overreacting zomg amirite?" complaint didn't look so silly. The demeanor of the police officers (all men, btw) who I spoke to on each occasion (first, the initial report; second, after the domestic violence incident; third, after the rape) was palpably different -- from dismissive ("you don't know what you experienced") to pity ("seems all you women are getting yourselves mixed up with the bad boys") to something that I think was supposed to be interpreted as respect ("looks like this guy has been a menace to the neighborhood, good thing you had the balls to report him").
Your report is probably dead in the water. But the next person might see his license plate and report that. The next person after that might end up falling into traffic and being seriously injured. One police report often does very little, unfortunately. But every pattern has to start somewhere (and you may not even be the first to report this).
posted by melissasaurus at 7:37 AM on November 6, 2014 [4 favorites]
Echoing what others have said; your reaction is on target (it's your reaction regardless) and reporting this may help you and may help stop this guy or might add to the charge against him if his next victim can ID him.
Those actions may help you feel a bit more in control. Meanwhile, feel your outrage and try to find a healthy outlet for it. Sorry this happened to you.
posted by Adrian57 at 7:46 AM on November 6, 2014
Those actions may help you feel a bit more in control. Meanwhile, feel your outrage and try to find a healthy outlet for it. Sorry this happened to you.
posted by Adrian57 at 7:46 AM on November 6, 2014
Oh, and as to how I got over it? Well, I didn't really. For about a month, I didn't walk down the street without being accompanied by my husband. I carried pepper spray (legally obtained) for several years. My heart raced and I started shaking every time a man matching his description walked by me (which, it turns out, was sometimes actually him, since he "lived"/squatted in my neighborhood). My husband and I moved 10 blocks away (which is enough to be a new neighborhood in Manhattan). Putting that assclown in jail helped a lot; I know that I'm not going to see him again for at least 15 years. The trial wasn't even particularly rough on me -- and I have an advantage being a lawyer and knowing the process, what they can and cannot ask, and how to not answer more than is being asked. But, I still think about it nearly every day - both the harassment and trial (which is basically a revictimization, even though I understand, mentally, what the defense attorney's job is). The daily barrage of street harassment before and after this incident doesn't help.
I know that probably isn't what you want to hear; it certainly isn't determinative of how everyone reacts or how you will react.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:48 AM on November 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
I know that probably isn't what you want to hear; it certainly isn't determinative of how everyone reacts or how you will react.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:48 AM on November 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you're afraid of reporting it b/c of possible police reaction, take a supportive friend with you. You should do the talking, though, not friend.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:13 AM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:13 AM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
Another thing you might consider doing is calling a sexual assault resource center crisis line. I know it might seem like your case isn't serious enough, but if the rage doesn't go away after reporting and talking to a friend, they can absolutely help you. They are specially trained to understand why these feelings don't just go away, and can help you come up with a personalized action plan to help you feel safe on your ride again. The sad truth is that there's a lot of misinformation about sexual assault out there, and even friends with the best of intentions can say harmful things. (Of course, I don't know your friends, so maybe they're great!)
I'm sorry that happened to you.
posted by ohisee at 10:47 AM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry that happened to you.
posted by ohisee at 10:47 AM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
NOT minor at all. Don't downplay what happened to you. It is unacceptable. Report him so that he does not do this again with any woman.
posted by jellyjam at 3:49 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by jellyjam at 3:49 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you decide you do want to report it to police, that same van may well pass the same spot around the same time each day, so you could try to identify the van.
posted by chrismc at 4:17 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by chrismc at 4:17 PM on November 6, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you just want to stop feeling angry, intense physical exercise like running or hitting/kicking a heavy bag will probably help. It does something to your brain chemistry that helps burn off the negative emotions quickly.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:19 PM on November 6, 2014
posted by Jacqueline at 5:19 PM on November 6, 2014
Response by poster: Thank you all for your support and advice. To a large extent my angry thoughts about this have been replaced by happy feelings about metafilter!
I went into the police station this morning and reported it, and that felt quite empowering. Cycling back to work afterwards, I got passed by a ridiculous number of white vans* with passengers and as well as thinking "I wonder if it was you..." I also kept chanting in my head "and I reported you, asshole, oh yeah."
The policeman did actually laugh (well, sniggered, when I said the guy hit me on the backside, because apparently policemen are five years old), but he did take down the information and put it in his system, and said it was good to have it on file in case it wasn't a one-off.
I also had an angry bitching session with a couple of female friends yesterday and you were right: that helped a lot too.
________
* well, it was a ute, actually, but I keep saying "van" on here because I have a sneaking suspicion that "ute" is an Australian/NZ term that no one else will know, and I don't know what the rest of the world calls those vehicles.
posted by lollusc at 5:32 PM on November 6, 2014 [10 favorites]
I went into the police station this morning and reported it, and that felt quite empowering. Cycling back to work afterwards, I got passed by a ridiculous number of white vans* with passengers and as well as thinking "I wonder if it was you..." I also kept chanting in my head "and I reported you, asshole, oh yeah."
The policeman did actually laugh (well, sniggered, when I said the guy hit me on the backside, because apparently policemen are five years old), but he did take down the information and put it in his system, and said it was good to have it on file in case it wasn't a one-off.
I also had an angry bitching session with a couple of female friends yesterday and you were right: that helped a lot too.
________
* well, it was a ute, actually, but I keep saying "van" on here because I have a sneaking suspicion that "ute" is an Australian/NZ term that no one else will know, and I don't know what the rest of the world calls those vehicles.
posted by lollusc at 5:32 PM on November 6, 2014 [10 favorites]
I have a sneaking suspicion that "ute" is an Australian/NZ term that no one else will know, and I don't know what the rest of the world calls those vehicles.
I believe the US makes no distinction between a ute and a pickup. It's one of those odd cultural blind spots like green being a shade of blue in Japan.
posted by flabdablet at 8:51 PM on November 6, 2014
I believe the US makes no distinction between a ute and a pickup. It's one of those odd cultural blind spots like green being a shade of blue in Japan.
posted by flabdablet at 8:51 PM on November 6, 2014
They're rare in the US, at least on the East Coast; we call them El Caminos after the most famous model.
posted by metasarah at 6:48 AM on November 8, 2014
posted by metasarah at 6:48 AM on November 8, 2014
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posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:23 PM on November 5, 2014 [18 favorites]