Advice for moving on from the past?
October 26, 2014 3:48 PM Subscribe
Currently, looking for additional resources to help overcome negative experiences in my past. Yes, I'm in therapy and medical care already.
Basically, I had a terrible HS experience in a small school district and I was the target of frequent bullying (male/female). The HS admin weren't so much as clueless but helpless due the fact they didn't want to believe me despite my complaints. At the time my parents were extremely busy with their jobs and well, I was 13 years old. I did have 1-2 friends but apart from acknowledging my bad luck there was nothing to do otherwise.
The main method I managed to deal with all this stress is simply controlling my expression/actions to a fault. People would be harassing me in the hallways, class, and other free times over a few weeks/months. I'd just not react at all and ignore them until it was completely over. This partly worked but it anything it riled some people up because I did nothing. Also, I learned to rarely talk about myself or hobbies in fear that it would be used against me one day.
So now fast forward 4-5 years after HS graduation and I still can't break some of my old habits. I'm fairly paranoid, somewhat cold/aloof, have trouble maintaining eye contact, and I have trouble making friends with people even if I know they are fine normal people who have no intentions of harming me.
I do fine in structured settings e.g. group work but I completely shut down when there is free time because I never had experience just talking to people unless it's about class work or they initiated the conversation.
Yes, I'm in therapy and I'm looking for other resources to help me become more expressive, mindful, decrease tension, and less anxious if that makes sense. I have trouble being around people because it's uncomfortable for me. It's not agoraphobia because I can go outside, visit the library, and ride the subway. If anything I would describe it to PTSD and being wound-up for no reason.
Oh, I'm also an atheist so I prefer non-religious activities. I have done exercise, reading, meditation, CBT, listing to music, and under medical care now.
Basically, I had a terrible HS experience in a small school district and I was the target of frequent bullying (male/female). The HS admin weren't so much as clueless but helpless due the fact they didn't want to believe me despite my complaints. At the time my parents were extremely busy with their jobs and well, I was 13 years old. I did have 1-2 friends but apart from acknowledging my bad luck there was nothing to do otherwise.
The main method I managed to deal with all this stress is simply controlling my expression/actions to a fault. People would be harassing me in the hallways, class, and other free times over a few weeks/months. I'd just not react at all and ignore them until it was completely over. This partly worked but it anything it riled some people up because I did nothing. Also, I learned to rarely talk about myself or hobbies in fear that it would be used against me one day.
So now fast forward 4-5 years after HS graduation and I still can't break some of my old habits. I'm fairly paranoid, somewhat cold/aloof, have trouble maintaining eye contact, and I have trouble making friends with people even if I know they are fine normal people who have no intentions of harming me.
I do fine in structured settings e.g. group work but I completely shut down when there is free time because I never had experience just talking to people unless it's about class work or they initiated the conversation.
Yes, I'm in therapy and I'm looking for other resources to help me become more expressive, mindful, decrease tension, and less anxious if that makes sense. I have trouble being around people because it's uncomfortable for me. It's not agoraphobia because I can go outside, visit the library, and ride the subway. If anything I would describe it to PTSD and being wound-up for no reason.
Oh, I'm also an atheist so I prefer non-religious activities. I have done exercise, reading, meditation, CBT, listing to music, and under medical care now.
I came in to suggest group therapy - it is a place where you can interact with people in supportive environment with someone who can help guide you over the rough spots in the interaction.
Second choice would be some group classes - exercise or yoga - that lets you have some minimal social interaction with others while giving your body the benefit of exercise. Something like square dancing would be the next step up - a little more interaction but still very task based.
Another option would be to find a group that shares one of your interests or hobbies where you know you can be safe talking about something you care about.
posted by metahawk at 4:18 PM on October 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
Second choice would be some group classes - exercise or yoga - that lets you have some minimal social interaction with others while giving your body the benefit of exercise. Something like square dancing would be the next step up - a little more interaction but still very task based.
Another option would be to find a group that shares one of your interests or hobbies where you know you can be safe talking about something you care about.
posted by metahawk at 4:18 PM on October 26, 2014 [1 favorite]
oy. My sympathy. This sounds very familiar.
One thing to look forward to: at your 20th high school reunion, chances are, most, if not all of the people who bullied you in HS are going to be Grade A adult losers (the ones who are still alive and not in prison anyway), and they're not going to be quite so smug. A few if them might have even matured somewhat.
Since that's rather far off, and thus probably too distant to be satisfying now, the only thing I'd suggest, is to try to find a group or several groups of people who are interested in the same hobbies as you, and are doing something positive with them. Channeling effort into a positive activity (however insignificant it might seem), is an excellent way to direct attention away from, while also healing, the emotional scars of the past.
posted by biersquirrel at 4:30 PM on October 26, 2014
One thing to look forward to: at your 20th high school reunion, chances are, most, if not all of the people who bullied you in HS are going to be Grade A adult losers (the ones who are still alive and not in prison anyway), and they're not going to be quite so smug. A few if them might have even matured somewhat.
Since that's rather far off, and thus probably too distant to be satisfying now, the only thing I'd suggest, is to try to find a group or several groups of people who are interested in the same hobbies as you, and are doing something positive with them. Channeling effort into a positive activity (however insignificant it might seem), is an excellent way to direct attention away from, while also healing, the emotional scars of the past.
posted by biersquirrel at 4:30 PM on October 26, 2014
Response by poster: Oh I forgot to say, I have tried group therapy in the past in different settings but in the end I found that 1:1 therapy is more beneficial to me. It's a challenge for to talk about my own experiences because being even in a small group there's unpredictable factors about privacy.
posted by chrono_rabbit at 4:40 PM on October 26, 2014
posted by chrono_rabbit at 4:40 PM on October 26, 2014
Tara Brach's books, talks and guided meditations might be worth a look. Among other things, she offers practical advice for overcoming the now dysfunctional tendencies that we developed to cope with previously dysfunctional situations.
posted by jazzbaby at 6:51 PM on October 26, 2014
posted by jazzbaby at 6:51 PM on October 26, 2014
I was bullied and harassed in high school, and was molested when I was a kid. Not sure if this will help but I'll share my experiences here.
This is going to sound sacrilegious on this site, but regular therapy never helped me much. I went to therapy from childhood until sometime in college; I'm sure it helped sometimes when I needed to talk about something in particular, but the overall result was that I "turned inward". I over-thought every thing and was extremely focused on myself, which caused me to be anxious and inhibited my social skills.
It's been important for me to "turn outward". Regular self-reflection is important, but constant over-thinking about myself is harmful for me. The things that have helped me with my anxiety are the things I've found outside of myself. For me, this has been language learning (awesome because you *have* to talk to people in a class setting! and the more "rare" the language, the more unusual classmates you may have) and recently, weight lifting/ fitness.
It's very hard, but I also try to think outwardly instead of inwardly. Instead of thinking about if people like me, I turn it over and ponder if I like them. Instead of thinking about embarrassing or stupid things I've done, I shrug and move on to improving myself and my life now. When I talk to people, I try as much as possible to focus on learning them instead of worrying about myself or if they like me. If I learn that they are assholes, who cares, I don't have to include them in my life if I don't want to.
I've also came to realize that the best thing is to put as much distance (= life experience) between you and your past. Much like some people say "the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody new" (gross, I know), IMO the best way to move on from experiences is to have many new experiences. The people I knew from high school that are still stuck in the past are the ones still living in the area, doing the same old things with the same old people. Almost 15 years have past now and I live on the other side of the world, having met thousands of other people and having done stuff that I never thought I'd have the guts to do. My life is far from perfect but it's a billion times better than what it was in high school.
As a result, my social skills and *my life* have improved immeasurably.
There's no magic formula, you just have to push and push on the boundaries of your comfort zone until you can move freely. Focus on this and fake it till you make it.
You are the hero of your own story. You get to decide who you want to be. Your past won't define you unless you let it. The first steps are hard, but if you keep pushing yourself little by little it will pay off.
posted by koakuma at 7:20 PM on October 26, 2014 [10 favorites]
This is going to sound sacrilegious on this site, but regular therapy never helped me much. I went to therapy from childhood until sometime in college; I'm sure it helped sometimes when I needed to talk about something in particular, but the overall result was that I "turned inward". I over-thought every thing and was extremely focused on myself, which caused me to be anxious and inhibited my social skills.
It's been important for me to "turn outward". Regular self-reflection is important, but constant over-thinking about myself is harmful for me. The things that have helped me with my anxiety are the things I've found outside of myself. For me, this has been language learning (awesome because you *have* to talk to people in a class setting! and the more "rare" the language, the more unusual classmates you may have) and recently, weight lifting/ fitness.
It's very hard, but I also try to think outwardly instead of inwardly. Instead of thinking about if people like me, I turn it over and ponder if I like them. Instead of thinking about embarrassing or stupid things I've done, I shrug and move on to improving myself and my life now. When I talk to people, I try as much as possible to focus on learning them instead of worrying about myself or if they like me. If I learn that they are assholes, who cares, I don't have to include them in my life if I don't want to.
I've also came to realize that the best thing is to put as much distance (= life experience) between you and your past. Much like some people say "the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody new" (gross, I know), IMO the best way to move on from experiences is to have many new experiences. The people I knew from high school that are still stuck in the past are the ones still living in the area, doing the same old things with the same old people. Almost 15 years have past now and I live on the other side of the world, having met thousands of other people and having done stuff that I never thought I'd have the guts to do. My life is far from perfect but it's a billion times better than what it was in high school.
As a result, my social skills and *my life* have improved immeasurably.
There's no magic formula, you just have to push and push on the boundaries of your comfort zone until you can move freely. Focus on this and fake it till you make it.
You are the hero of your own story. You get to decide who you want to be. Your past won't define you unless you let it. The first steps are hard, but if you keep pushing yourself little by little it will pay off.
posted by koakuma at 7:20 PM on October 26, 2014 [10 favorites]
I'm in CBT for social anxiety. Mindfulness strategies have helped me a lot but what went the farthest to remove the last layer of residual worry/anxiety was going on 5mg per day of Lexapro. I don't know how you feel about medication, but I held off a long, long time and my quality of life seriously improved when I started.
posted by mermily at 7:43 AM on October 27, 2014
posted by mermily at 7:43 AM on October 27, 2014
Group art therapy or even just a recreational adult beginners art class because you get to express yourself and as it's a beginner class and adults (not asshole kids) are there to learn, there's a general rule that negativity is a no-no, but constructive criticism is allowed. Maybe it will help you communicate with others and differentiate between nastiness like you saw growing up and honest helpful feedback (if that's a hard thing for you to parse out).
Wildcard suggestion - goofy kareoke with your friends (you can do it at home with cable on demand kareoke things)
posted by WeekendJen at 11:11 AM on October 27, 2014
Wildcard suggestion - goofy kareoke with your friends (you can do it at home with cable on demand kareoke things)
posted by WeekendJen at 11:11 AM on October 27, 2014
The HS admin weren't so much as clueless but helpless due the fact they didn't want to believe me despite my complaints
Start with reading some negotiating books. "Getting to Yes" is a quick read and research-based. An awful lot of people fail to act because they simply do not know how to address something or do not really see that something serious is going on. It is possible to develop soft skills, like negotiating, that can really make a difference in how safe you feel interacting with other people.
It might also help to find a safe way to practice communicating effectively with other people so you feel more confident that you can get your point across and be heard should you run into trouble again (which doesn't always help -- sometimes people just honestly aren't going to go to bat for you -- but can get you help in some situations and can also make you feel more confident that it's them, not you). Perhaps an anonymous blog or getting more involved in mefi or some other online forum. I have learned a lot over the years (and I am still learning) from trying to effectively express myself online. The part I find challenging is finding ways to get constructive feedback that is meaningful, meaty, useful and not filled with ugly assumptions. The world is apparently full of bad things happening and this gets projected a lot onto people who honestly aren't doing any such thing. That can make it hard for people looking to come out of their shell a bit.
Smaller online communities are sometimes better for this than larger ones. Another thing that sometimes works is to just start your own small online space and invite a short list of people. I have run a few small lists in the past. Some of them were very valuable experiences and some kind of went nowhere. It seems to wok best if you can clearly define a common interest and invite other people who are interested in that thing so you can talk about that thing together. In a small group, it is common for people to get to know each other socially in the process of talking about their common interest and it tends to be less of a problem than it is on very large forums.
posted by Michele in California at 3:37 PM on October 27, 2014 [2 favorites]
Start with reading some negotiating books. "Getting to Yes" is a quick read and research-based. An awful lot of people fail to act because they simply do not know how to address something or do not really see that something serious is going on. It is possible to develop soft skills, like negotiating, that can really make a difference in how safe you feel interacting with other people.
It might also help to find a safe way to practice communicating effectively with other people so you feel more confident that you can get your point across and be heard should you run into trouble again (which doesn't always help -- sometimes people just honestly aren't going to go to bat for you -- but can get you help in some situations and can also make you feel more confident that it's them, not you). Perhaps an anonymous blog or getting more involved in mefi or some other online forum. I have learned a lot over the years (and I am still learning) from trying to effectively express myself online. The part I find challenging is finding ways to get constructive feedback that is meaningful, meaty, useful and not filled with ugly assumptions. The world is apparently full of bad things happening and this gets projected a lot onto people who honestly aren't doing any such thing. That can make it hard for people looking to come out of their shell a bit.
Smaller online communities are sometimes better for this than larger ones. Another thing that sometimes works is to just start your own small online space and invite a short list of people. I have run a few small lists in the past. Some of them were very valuable experiences and some kind of went nowhere. It seems to wok best if you can clearly define a common interest and invite other people who are interested in that thing so you can talk about that thing together. In a small group, it is common for people to get to know each other socially in the process of talking about their common interest and it tends to be less of a problem than it is on very large forums.
posted by Michele in California at 3:37 PM on October 27, 2014 [2 favorites]
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posted by Rosie M. Banks at 3:58 PM on October 26, 2014