How to proceed when things are bad?
October 26, 2014 7:53 AM
My girlfriend and I (female) have been together nearly 6 years. Things were really solid the first 4 years or so, but for the last two years we've really been struggling. There are a lot of frustrations on both sides, but things really came to a head about 6 weeks ago.
I was in the last week before my PhD qualifying exam, and I was really frustrated because she had promised to support me and wasn't. I had asked several things of her, like taking charge of cooking and keep the house clean while I studied. The most important thing to me was that I wanted her to call me every night and check in on what I'd been doing and what I'd be doing the next day as a way of ensuring accountability for myself as I studied. Despite me asking a bunch of times, she wasn't doing it, and whenever I'd ask she'd give me some excuse, like she kept forgetting to call me, or she was just busy, or whatever. The weekend before my quals, I again brought up that she hadn't been supporting me at all, and we ended up having a huge blowup fight. I felt like I wasn't even worth the 30 seconds it would take her to call me every night, and that she just really didn't give a fuck about me or the relationship. We ended up talking it out and agreeing to really work on things and get into couples therapy (which we've done).
At the same time that the quals stuff was going on, she met a guy through a mutual friend that she started talking to a lot. We had a technically open relationship, but it really hadn't been acted on before. She told me she wanted to sleep with this guy, and I told her that I didn't have the emotional capacity to process any of it right now and I suggested that we close the relationship until things were going better between us, and she agreed.
She eventually stopped talking to that particular guy, but in the 6 weeks or so, she has met two or three other men on fetlife or OKcupid that she's been texting back and forth nearly nonstop for weeks. I was out of town on vacation two weekends ago, and when I got home she admitted that she had met up with one of the men and made out with him. I told her that I really was not okay with this, that she had been putting all of her time and energy into these random dudes instead of our relationship, and I asked her to stop talking to them. She asked for a compromise and promised that she wouldn't talk to them while I was around if she'd let me continue to talk to them generally since she was really looking for friends, which I agreed to.
Saturday night, I caught her drunk texting them when we were supposed to be spending time together at a bar. I was really upset that she had broken her promise to me, and we had a fight about it. This morning, after we had just gotten back from the couples therapist who had talked about us putting care and support into our relationship, I caught her texting these guys AGAIN. I called her out on it, she got really defensive, and we ended up having a huge fight. During the fight, I told her that I really didn't think all these contacts were on the up and up, that she had been acting mysteriously and not even telling me their names or anything about him, but she was swearing they were just friends. She admitted that she had sexual attraction to one of the guys, and that she had been lying to me because she didn't want me to be angry at her or to make her stop talking to them. Even while she was admitting all this, she kept alternating between saying that she did lie and that she didn't lie, and that she didn't mean to hurt me, basically all defensiveness and excuses.
I... don't know what to think. The entire cornerstone of our relationship since the beginning has been trust, and I feel like I've been blindsided by her. It seems like she only cares about herself right now, and despite her swearing she wants to fix our relationship, the only one trying right now is me. I don't care about the guys per se, I care about the fact that these random dudes are getting all of her time and attention and I'm getting the dregs of it, and that she's been lying to me for months about what's been going on. Exacerbating all of this is the fact that we work opposite shifts right now and so we don't see a lot of each other.
To my knowledge, she has never lied to my face about anything of importance before, and she certainly has never lied to me for extended periods like this. I'm positive she hasn't slept with any of them, but it feels like something is going on that's deeper than only talking. I've been feeling like I've been putting in the vast majority of time and effort into the relationship for a long time now, so things haven't exactly been great, but her lying and hiding things is SO out of character that I'm still a bit in shock over it all, and I'm not sure how to proceed. Ending the relationship is definitely on the table, but despite all this I know that we really really love each other, and I want it to be the absolute last resort, so I'd appreciate holding off on that advice unless you have really good reasons why I should walk away.
Does anybody have any thoughts on how I should proceed? I still hope to fix this, but I don't even know where to start. I feel lost.
I was in the last week before my PhD qualifying exam, and I was really frustrated because she had promised to support me and wasn't. I had asked several things of her, like taking charge of cooking and keep the house clean while I studied. The most important thing to me was that I wanted her to call me every night and check in on what I'd been doing and what I'd be doing the next day as a way of ensuring accountability for myself as I studied. Despite me asking a bunch of times, she wasn't doing it, and whenever I'd ask she'd give me some excuse, like she kept forgetting to call me, or she was just busy, or whatever. The weekend before my quals, I again brought up that she hadn't been supporting me at all, and we ended up having a huge blowup fight. I felt like I wasn't even worth the 30 seconds it would take her to call me every night, and that she just really didn't give a fuck about me or the relationship. We ended up talking it out and agreeing to really work on things and get into couples therapy (which we've done).
At the same time that the quals stuff was going on, she met a guy through a mutual friend that she started talking to a lot. We had a technically open relationship, but it really hadn't been acted on before. She told me she wanted to sleep with this guy, and I told her that I didn't have the emotional capacity to process any of it right now and I suggested that we close the relationship until things were going better between us, and she agreed.
She eventually stopped talking to that particular guy, but in the 6 weeks or so, she has met two or three other men on fetlife or OKcupid that she's been texting back and forth nearly nonstop for weeks. I was out of town on vacation two weekends ago, and when I got home she admitted that she had met up with one of the men and made out with him. I told her that I really was not okay with this, that she had been putting all of her time and energy into these random dudes instead of our relationship, and I asked her to stop talking to them. She asked for a compromise and promised that she wouldn't talk to them while I was around if she'd let me continue to talk to them generally since she was really looking for friends, which I agreed to.
Saturday night, I caught her drunk texting them when we were supposed to be spending time together at a bar. I was really upset that she had broken her promise to me, and we had a fight about it. This morning, after we had just gotten back from the couples therapist who had talked about us putting care and support into our relationship, I caught her texting these guys AGAIN. I called her out on it, she got really defensive, and we ended up having a huge fight. During the fight, I told her that I really didn't think all these contacts were on the up and up, that she had been acting mysteriously and not even telling me their names or anything about him, but she was swearing they were just friends. She admitted that she had sexual attraction to one of the guys, and that she had been lying to me because she didn't want me to be angry at her or to make her stop talking to them. Even while she was admitting all this, she kept alternating between saying that she did lie and that she didn't lie, and that she didn't mean to hurt me, basically all defensiveness and excuses.
I... don't know what to think. The entire cornerstone of our relationship since the beginning has been trust, and I feel like I've been blindsided by her. It seems like she only cares about herself right now, and despite her swearing she wants to fix our relationship, the only one trying right now is me. I don't care about the guys per se, I care about the fact that these random dudes are getting all of her time and attention and I'm getting the dregs of it, and that she's been lying to me for months about what's been going on. Exacerbating all of this is the fact that we work opposite shifts right now and so we don't see a lot of each other.
To my knowledge, she has never lied to my face about anything of importance before, and she certainly has never lied to me for extended periods like this. I'm positive she hasn't slept with any of them, but it feels like something is going on that's deeper than only talking. I've been feeling like I've been putting in the vast majority of time and effort into the relationship for a long time now, so things haven't exactly been great, but her lying and hiding things is SO out of character that I'm still a bit in shock over it all, and I'm not sure how to proceed. Ending the relationship is definitely on the table, but despite all this I know that we really really love each other, and I want it to be the absolute last resort, so I'd appreciate holding off on that advice unless you have really good reasons why I should walk away.
Does anybody have any thoughts on how I should proceed? I still hope to fix this, but I don't even know where to start. I feel lost.
The really good reason to walk away is because she's already done so. The relationship is over, she just hasn't explicitly said so. You can't fix this, only she can, and she doesn't seem particularly contrite from what you've said.
posted by desjardins at 8:01 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by desjardins at 8:01 AM on October 26, 2014
Someone who loves you would not have acted the way she did. Pull the chain, this crap is done.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2014
She is getting something from these men that she isn't getting from you. Think about this stressful time before your PhD exam. Have you been so tied up in this that you were neglecting the relationship?
It wasn't cool for her to be withholding about the extent of the relationships. But honestly, this whole thing about being a technically open relationship is kind of bull then. It was de facto closed.
Let her go. Focus on your career. Let her get what she needs. You'll both be better for it.
posted by inturnaround at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2014
It wasn't cool for her to be withholding about the extent of the relationships. But honestly, this whole thing about being a technically open relationship is kind of bull then. It was de facto closed.
Let her go. Focus on your career. Let her get what she needs. You'll both be better for it.
posted by inturnaround at 8:02 AM on October 26, 2014
This sounds like you're both holding onto a relationship that's been over for awhile. It's time to let it go, not because either one of you is doing something wrong for this relationship, but because this relationship doesn't exist anymore.
posted by xingcat at 8:04 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by xingcat at 8:04 AM on October 26, 2014
It sounds like she's already checked out of the relationship but wants you to be the one to turn out the lights. Turn out the lights. I'm sorry.
posted by holgate at 8:11 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by holgate at 8:11 AM on October 26, 2014
It sounds like passive aggression/breakup by cop on her end. She sounds like a lousy candidate for open relationships because she isn't willing to negotiate with you honestly and keep her priorities straight. Just because you love her doesn't mean that breaking up should be a last resort. I think tolerating treatment like this should be your last resort and that you should leave.
posted by alphanerd at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by alphanerd at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2014
I am kind of just playing devil's advocate here, but in re.
despite her swearing she wants to fix our relationship, the only one trying right now is me
...what have you been doing to try to fix it? This starts with your wanting a lot of emotional and practical support, but diminishing support into the idea that a meaningful and supportive phone call takes '30 seconds,' and then it goes into a thing about an open relationship and a separation but lots of rancour about activity with others despite 'technically open' and then being separated.
"She told me she wanted to sleep with this guy... I suggested that we close the relationship until... she admitted that she had met up with one of the men and made out with him. I told her that I really was not okay with this" is sort of hard to follow. She was upfront, you kinda told her to get lost and do that thing, but that wasn't actually a thing you were okay with, which she was supposed to know because ??
posted by kmennie at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2014
despite her swearing she wants to fix our relationship, the only one trying right now is me
...what have you been doing to try to fix it? This starts with your wanting a lot of emotional and practical support, but diminishing support into the idea that a meaningful and supportive phone call takes '30 seconds,' and then it goes into a thing about an open relationship and a separation but lots of rancour about activity with others despite 'technically open' and then being separated.
"She told me she wanted to sleep with this guy... I suggested that we close the relationship until... she admitted that she had met up with one of the men and made out with him. I told her that I really was not okay with this" is sort of hard to follow. She was upfront, you kinda told her to get lost and do that thing, but that wasn't actually a thing you were okay with, which she was supposed to know because ??
posted by kmennie at 8:12 AM on October 26, 2014
Your request that she call you each day, ask about your day and ask what you're doing tomorrow, is demanding. Sure, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but that's a big request on top of her having to keep everything clean and cook. Part of being in an adult relationship is being able to stand on our own two feet and being nice to our partner. If we get support in return, fantastic. If you dictate the rules of support, it's not genuine support.
The whole thing about her texting and wanting to sleep with other men and making out with other men -- I don't know what to say about that. It doesn't sound like she is keen on adhering to the new boundaries that were set. I would back off and let her do what she will. You cannot control her behavior and you cannot control how she offers support. Be less demanding and ask what you're contributing to the relationship.
posted by Fairchild at 8:13 AM on October 26, 2014
The whole thing about her texting and wanting to sleep with other men and making out with other men -- I don't know what to say about that. It doesn't sound like she is keen on adhering to the new boundaries that were set. I would back off and let her do what she will. You cannot control her behavior and you cannot control how she offers support. Be less demanding and ask what you're contributing to the relationship.
posted by Fairchild at 8:13 AM on October 26, 2014
I agree that your request to have her call you every day is demanding and possibly unfair. If you want to talk to her every day, then call her every day. But it's not her job to act as your google calendar, and it doesn't sound very fun or loving or healthy for her.
It sounds to me like you're both checked out of this relationship. I really think it would be better to break up. You can then focus on your studies without fighting, and she can get her emotional needs met through another relationship.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:19 AM on October 26, 2014
It sounds to me like you're both checked out of this relationship. I really think it would be better to break up. You can then focus on your studies without fighting, and she can get her emotional needs met through another relationship.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:19 AM on October 26, 2014
I sometimes struggle to make any progress with my work as an academic and I have thought about asking my long-term partner to take the role of checking up on me - in fact, the thought occurred to me again just this week. I never have though, because it is really not fair to do so. It is basically asking your partner to take the role as a supervisor or parent, its saying 'I can't be responsible for myself so I want you to take it on', implicitly it brings with it the role of chastiser for your partner if you don't deliver, which is likely to happen sooner or later. If someone is supposed to be your partner this (for me) is a step too far.
posted by biffa at 8:22 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by biffa at 8:22 AM on October 26, 2014
I think your relationship is done too.
But if you want to try it again, here is my perspective:
1. It's okay to ask for your partner's support in cooking and cleaning for a particular time, but if your message is "all I can do in my life right now is my PhD and I am not going to be able to participate as a grown member of the household for an extended period of time, plus I need you to be in charge of making sure I'm doing the other thing I am supposed to be doing instead," you may want to rethink how you structure your time and life.
Asking her to do all the adult work of the relationship plus monitor your progress gives her the message that she ranks considerably below your studies. She may not have handled that well, but from her perspective you want her to cook, clean, and check in with you every day...what do you see as your role in supporting her in her life goals?
2. Don't have a "technically open relationship" when you don't want to have an open relationship.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:30 AM on October 26, 2014
But if you want to try it again, here is my perspective:
1. It's okay to ask for your partner's support in cooking and cleaning for a particular time, but if your message is "all I can do in my life right now is my PhD and I am not going to be able to participate as a grown member of the household for an extended period of time, plus I need you to be in charge of making sure I'm doing the other thing I am supposed to be doing instead," you may want to rethink how you structure your time and life.
Asking her to do all the adult work of the relationship plus monitor your progress gives her the message that she ranks considerably below your studies. She may not have handled that well, but from her perspective you want her to cook, clean, and check in with you every day...what do you see as your role in supporting her in her life goals?
2. Don't have a "technically open relationship" when you don't want to have an open relationship.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:30 AM on October 26, 2014
it sounds like you were very busy, put her in the rule of caretaker, are on opposite shifts, and suddenly changed the rules of the relationship when she was being open with you. i don't think she's handled it all spectacularly, but you have not been rewarding her honesty on a lot of different fronts. it's not that hard to see why she'd be reaching out to others.
regardless of who is at fault, it sounds like you guys aren't providing what the other needs and this might be a mismatch that end the relationship.
posted by nadawi at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2014
regardless of who is at fault, it sounds like you guys aren't providing what the other needs and this might be a mismatch that end the relationship.
posted by nadawi at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2014
2. Don't have a "technically open relationship" when you don't want to have an open relationship.
This is key, I think.
Not in a million years would I be okay with an open relationship. Nothing against it in theory, but it's not how I roll. But I also would never agree to be in a 'technically' open relationship, and then expect my partner to adhere to the normal expectations and standards of a not-open relationship.
This probably won't be a popular opinion, but I don't think open relationships are for you. And I think you need to redefine things with your girlfriend at a fundamental level if you are going to have any future together.
posted by Salamander at 8:47 AM on October 26, 2014
This is key, I think.
Not in a million years would I be okay with an open relationship. Nothing against it in theory, but it's not how I roll. But I also would never agree to be in a 'technically' open relationship, and then expect my partner to adhere to the normal expectations and standards of a not-open relationship.
This probably won't be a popular opinion, but I don't think open relationships are for you. And I think you need to redefine things with your girlfriend at a fundamental level if you are going to have any future together.
posted by Salamander at 8:47 AM on October 26, 2014
Your request that she call you and check on you, plus cook and clean… look, it isn't about the TIME that those things take. It's about the kind of thing they are, which is: mommying. You asked her to be your mommy. She doesn't want to be your mommy and furthermore, she wants male contact that is sexual and not buzzkilled by the context of mommying.
I agree with everyone above that this relationship is over. Good news is soon you will have a new PhD and entering a new phase of life anyway. Good luck, start clean.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:47 AM on October 26, 2014
I agree with everyone above that this relationship is over. Good news is soon you will have a new PhD and entering a new phase of life anyway. Good luck, start clean.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:47 AM on October 26, 2014
Relationship is over and has been for some time. But that'll be a good thing in the long run. Good luck.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:56 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 8:56 AM on October 26, 2014
She is getting something from these men that she isn't getting from you. Think about this stressful time before your PhD exam. Have you been so tied up in this that you were neglecting the relationship?
You were studying for your big exam. She was supposed to be there for you.
And she's cheating. The fact you are in an open relationship doesn't make hiding information from a partner about other partners not cheating. Its cheating. Then she agreed to close the relationship but then continued to cheat.
But you are not laying down any lines. None of us can tell you if your relationship will work or not, but you have to lay down the rules, open or closed or whatever variant you want.
This is going to require talking (1) deciding what rules you'll need if you are to move forward and (2) if you can get over this betrayal.
If (and its a big if) this is going to work, she will have to drop all the guys and be completely transparent with you, tell you all the details, and share her communications with men with you.
This is a tall order. And when you needed some time to pass your hardest exam ever, she didn't support you and instead went looking for the affection you couldn't give her for good reasons. That's a bad sign.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:10 AM on October 26, 2014
You were studying for your big exam. She was supposed to be there for you.
And she's cheating. The fact you are in an open relationship doesn't make hiding information from a partner about other partners not cheating. Its cheating. Then she agreed to close the relationship but then continued to cheat.
But you are not laying down any lines. None of us can tell you if your relationship will work or not, but you have to lay down the rules, open or closed or whatever variant you want.
This is going to require talking (1) deciding what rules you'll need if you are to move forward and (2) if you can get over this betrayal.
If (and its a big if) this is going to work, she will have to drop all the guys and be completely transparent with you, tell you all the details, and share her communications with men with you.
This is a tall order. And when you needed some time to pass your hardest exam ever, she didn't support you and instead went looking for the affection you couldn't give her for good reasons. That's a bad sign.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:10 AM on October 26, 2014
Plenty of single people study for their qualifying exams without being babysat. You basically asked her to babysit you and on top of that to be your maid. Do you even live together? If not, the request is especially egregious. For me, when a partner makes requests like this, I start reframing how I see that person into something where the person is no longer a partner, but a child.
To be fair, it sounds like your girlfriend is also acting immaturely by suddenly seeking outside relationships. I think you both have to be on board to save the relationship and part of that would be for you to admit that your requests weren't necessarily fair ones. The other part would be for her to examine her feelings towards you, instead of running into the arms of someone else.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:21 AM on October 26, 2014
To be fair, it sounds like your girlfriend is also acting immaturely by suddenly seeking outside relationships. I think you both have to be on board to save the relationship and part of that would be for you to admit that your requests weren't necessarily fair ones. The other part would be for her to examine her feelings towards you, instead of running into the arms of someone else.
posted by parakeetdog at 9:21 AM on October 26, 2014
...I was out of town on vacation two weekends ago
So after your time- and attention-demanding quals, in the middle of all this, you went on a vacation without her?
posted by rhizome at 9:25 AM on October 26, 2014
So after your time- and attention-demanding quals, in the middle of all this, you went on a vacation without her?
posted by rhizome at 9:25 AM on October 26, 2014
You need someone who isn't your partner to act as your accountability buddy. (Please ignore that link's attempt at Buddhism.) Accountability buddies are typically peers who reciprocate in the same way. Nthing that it's a bad, buzzkilling idea for partners.
Your partner wasn't comfortable being your accountability buddy, but she didn't tell you this. You also describe a number of other incidents in which she seems unwilling to say 'no' with her words, but goes ahead and says it with her subsequent actions. The same pattern is happening even in couples therapy. Given this way of operating, there's no point in trying to fix things with words.
Nthing holgate: she has already checked out, but wants you to turn out the lights.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:28 AM on October 26, 2014
Your partner wasn't comfortable being your accountability buddy, but she didn't tell you this. You also describe a number of other incidents in which she seems unwilling to say 'no' with her words, but goes ahead and says it with her subsequent actions. The same pattern is happening even in couples therapy. Given this way of operating, there's no point in trying to fix things with words.
Nthing holgate: she has already checked out, but wants you to turn out the lights.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:28 AM on October 26, 2014
This reads to me that you checked out of the relationship to work on your PhD, and while you were checked out, demanded she do the housework and babysit you by calling you (rather than taking those 30 seconds to call her yourself) and then on top of that, got angry when she wanted something from someone when you both agreed that she could go get that something from someone. Then you changed the rules about that and are upset with her for having guy friends who she's not having sex with.
She, on the other hand, has been withholding information from you so that you won't get upset with her and has been forbidden from contacting her friends when you're around.
I think you should break up because it seems that who you are right now and who she is right now are not compatible. You might have been in the past and you might be again at some point in the future. But for this very moment, neither of you is in a good position to be a good partner for the other. You both seem to want something that the other person can't give you.
It's OK to want whatever you want in a relationship. People form all kinds of relationships all the time. But it's not OK to play take-backsies on your partner. Look at it this way; you now have a clearer idea of what is important to you in a relationship than you had before. You want more contact on a daily basis. You want exclusivity. You want someone to babysit you. All of those things are OK and all of those things are things that your current partner is unavailable to provide you with, as she's shown you by her actions just recently. Go find someone who can give you them, righter than fighting to change what actually is.
posted by Solomon at 9:37 AM on October 26, 2014
She, on the other hand, has been withholding information from you so that you won't get upset with her and has been forbidden from contacting her friends when you're around.
I think you should break up because it seems that who you are right now and who she is right now are not compatible. You might have been in the past and you might be again at some point in the future. But for this very moment, neither of you is in a good position to be a good partner for the other. You both seem to want something that the other person can't give you.
It's OK to want whatever you want in a relationship. People form all kinds of relationships all the time. But it's not OK to play take-backsies on your partner. Look at it this way; you now have a clearer idea of what is important to you in a relationship than you had before. You want more contact on a daily basis. You want exclusivity. You want someone to babysit you. All of those things are OK and all of those things are things that your current partner is unavailable to provide you with, as she's shown you by her actions just recently. Go find someone who can give you them, righter than fighting to change what actually is.
posted by Solomon at 9:37 AM on October 26, 2014
I know you're anon so you can't really answer this (though you can email a mod and they'll add it), but you seem to see yourself as doing a tonne of work in this relationship and her doing none, when your summary involves you asking her to do a tonne of work for the relationship (cooking, cleaning, keeping you on task, not engaging in the open relationship you supposedly had) and you doing, umm, nothing at all?
Maybe that's just editing because this question is about her behaviour, but what are you bringing to the table?
I'm not asking this to absolve her of responsibility -- her behaviour is clearly hurtful and if she wants to screw around with other guys when you've said you're not actually comfortable with that, then she needs to break up with you first, not just do it, despite you saying it hurts you.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:38 AM on October 26, 2014
Maybe that's just editing because this question is about her behaviour, but what are you bringing to the table?
I'm not asking this to absolve her of responsibility -- her behaviour is clearly hurtful and if she wants to screw around with other guys when you've said you're not actually comfortable with that, then she needs to break up with you first, not just do it, despite you saying it hurts you.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:38 AM on October 26, 2014
Having just gone through my husband's thesis writing and defense and having taken quals myself a few years ago, I understand both sides of this a bit better than I'd like to.
You were in an extremely stressful situation and you gave your girlfriend a pretty explicit list of things that she could do to help you in this stressful time. And it sounds like she did some of these things and really didn't do others. At the same time, from her perspective, you had shifted your relationship from a positive "give and take" kind of relationship to an all "take" relationship. I think that this was hard on her and I think the fact that you couldn't rely on her for support you genuinely needed was hard on you. From what you've said above, it also sounds like the "give-take" balance was a lot more "give" from your side.
It appears that this (stress to/change in) your relationship broke it for her. She's resorting to other people for support, and she's being less than straightforward with you about this. She couldn't handle a stressor in your relationship and I guess what I'm trying to say is that when this happens, you have to sit down and look at the relationship and realize that it isn't going to work. If you put things back together now, what is going to happen the next time things are hard?
It is a bit difficult to know if the level of support you asked of her is reasonable. There are many kinds of quals and that they come with many levels of stress. Some are extremely difficult and some aren't that terrible. I was single when I took mine and it was pretty miserable - if I had been dating someone, I hope that that person would have taken over cooking/cleaning during the week or so before my exam. And I would have been extremely grateful. Other quals would have warranted ordering a lot of pizza and eating frozen dinners for a couple of weeks and ignoring the messy apartment. Same thing for the phone calls - in some relationships one part of a couple will call the other part on a daily/weekly basis and in these relationships this is the norm. In others this would be way too much. I think that asking someone to call once a day (give her a google alert or something on her calendar) for a week is not so terrible for most couples. That's seven phone calls. Not the end of the world. If it was for a month, it might seem a bit much.
posted by sciencegeek at 9:43 AM on October 26, 2014
You were in an extremely stressful situation and you gave your girlfriend a pretty explicit list of things that she could do to help you in this stressful time. And it sounds like she did some of these things and really didn't do others. At the same time, from her perspective, you had shifted your relationship from a positive "give and take" kind of relationship to an all "take" relationship. I think that this was hard on her and I think the fact that you couldn't rely on her for support you genuinely needed was hard on you. From what you've said above, it also sounds like the "give-take" balance was a lot more "give" from your side.
It appears that this (stress to/change in) your relationship broke it for her. She's resorting to other people for support, and she's being less than straightforward with you about this. She couldn't handle a stressor in your relationship and I guess what I'm trying to say is that when this happens, you have to sit down and look at the relationship and realize that it isn't going to work. If you put things back together now, what is going to happen the next time things are hard?
It is a bit difficult to know if the level of support you asked of her is reasonable. There are many kinds of quals and that they come with many levels of stress. Some are extremely difficult and some aren't that terrible. I was single when I took mine and it was pretty miserable - if I had been dating someone, I hope that that person would have taken over cooking/cleaning during the week or so before my exam. And I would have been extremely grateful. Other quals would have warranted ordering a lot of pizza and eating frozen dinners for a couple of weeks and ignoring the messy apartment. Same thing for the phone calls - in some relationships one part of a couple will call the other part on a daily/weekly basis and in these relationships this is the norm. In others this would be way too much. I think that asking someone to call once a day (give her a google alert or something on her calendar) for a week is not so terrible for most couples. That's seven phone calls. Not the end of the world. If it was for a month, it might seem a bit much.
posted by sciencegeek at 9:43 AM on October 26, 2014
By the way, your experience here doesn't automatically mean you can never have a successful open relationship, if that's really what you want. When one or both of you are going through periods of stress, it's perfectly OK to renegotiate terms to accommodate that.
What really will sabotage an open relationship is dishonesty about one's feelings or plans. (Notably, saying you're OK with something you're not OK with, and even more crucially, saying one thing and then doing another.) Clearly, she was doing this. Maybe you were too. If so, you can either decide to work on this harder in the future, or decide that open relationships aren't for you. Either way is perfectly respectable.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:51 AM on October 26, 2014
What really will sabotage an open relationship is dishonesty about one's feelings or plans. (Notably, saying you're OK with something you're not OK with, and even more crucially, saying one thing and then doing another.) Clearly, she was doing this. Maybe you were too. If so, you can either decide to work on this harder in the future, or decide that open relationships aren't for you. Either way is perfectly respectable.
posted by feral_goldfish at 9:51 AM on October 26, 2014
I'm not going to take anyone's side about any of this behaviour, but I will agree that this relationship is over.
You may have a chance if you both go into your therapist and lay this all out without evasion or making either of you seem like what you have done is okay, and an honest desire to make things better.
Thing is, I don't think either of you have that desire, from what you've said.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:53 AM on October 26, 2014
You may have a chance if you both go into your therapist and lay this all out without evasion or making either of you seem like what you have done is okay, and an honest desire to make things better.
Thing is, I don't think either of you have that desire, from what you've said.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:53 AM on October 26, 2014
Unrelated to anything else, I would like to point out that some answerers seem to be misgendering the asker as male. She stated in the question that she is female.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:22 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by ocherdraco at 10:22 AM on October 26, 2014
The problem is that the trust and connection between you is broken. It is going to be hard to make any progress rebuilding trust if she is having outside relationships at the same time. If she really wants to work on this, I think you need two things: a commitment to the relationship for a limited period of time while you work on this (say, 4-6 months) and a commitment to couples counseling since you probably are not going to be able to work through this without help. That's what you need. But what does she need? You have to ask and allow her make her own demands. My guess is that she might want you to back off on all the demands - no jumping through hoops to prove her love - all she has to do is show up for counseling and not get involved with anyone else - anything more is her choice and freely given. (Again, I'm just guessing - you have to ask, probably with help from your therapist) If you can't negotiate this, you are probably not going to be able to fix things. If you can, then you have hope.
posted by metahawk at 11:33 AM on October 26, 2014
posted by metahawk at 11:33 AM on October 26, 2014
I think she started off doing her best to hang tough through this rough patch for you... without fully considering that after 2 bad/so-so years, there's no reason to get through this.
If you took a weekend without because of her work schedule, understandable. If not, sounds kind of WTF to me.
And why technically open relationship? Was that a weird negotiation for an option that one of you thought would never be real?
Unless she's also in a program and there's some weird grad-school dynamic here, I say end it. (For instance, if your final lap pressures are freaking her out and some of her behavior is anxiety about her PhD, then maybe this is more if a mutual freak out than a serious rift in your relationship. )
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:55 AM on October 26, 2014
If you took a weekend without because of her work schedule, understandable. If not, sounds kind of WTF to me.
And why technically open relationship? Was that a weird negotiation for an option that one of you thought would never be real?
Unless she's also in a program and there's some weird grad-school dynamic here, I say end it. (For instance, if your final lap pressures are freaking her out and some of her behavior is anxiety about her PhD, then maybe this is more if a mutual freak out than a serious rift in your relationship. )
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:55 AM on October 26, 2014
There has been such a loss of trust and respect on both sides, I don't know why you would want to do anything other than break up.
I felt like I wasn't even worth the 30 seconds it would take her to call me every night, and that she just really didn't give a fuck about me or the relationship.
Was she cooking and cleaning for you at that point? Even if she wasn't, you sound awfully demanding and very quick to interpret things in a very bad light for the other person. Your girlfriend's evasive behavior is not OK but it is somewhat understandable to me. She's become switched off in response to the pressure you put on her. If you wanted to try to resurrect the relationship, I think you would have to come to her with the results of some pretty deep self-examination about why you have expected so much from her and how you plan to avoid doing it in the future-- and reacting so badly when she doesn't meet your expectations. Then on top of that, you would have to deal with the whole "open relationship" thing to see if you can ever be on the same page about it.
posted by BibiRose at 12:09 PM on October 26, 2014
I felt like I wasn't even worth the 30 seconds it would take her to call me every night, and that she just really didn't give a fuck about me or the relationship.
Was she cooking and cleaning for you at that point? Even if she wasn't, you sound awfully demanding and very quick to interpret things in a very bad light for the other person. Your girlfriend's evasive behavior is not OK but it is somewhat understandable to me. She's become switched off in response to the pressure you put on her. If you wanted to try to resurrect the relationship, I think you would have to come to her with the results of some pretty deep self-examination about why you have expected so much from her and how you plan to avoid doing it in the future-- and reacting so badly when she doesn't meet your expectations. Then on top of that, you would have to deal with the whole "open relationship" thing to see if you can ever be on the same page about it.
posted by BibiRose at 12:09 PM on October 26, 2014
I think this relationship is over, and your girlfriend just doesn't want to be the one to break things off.
I also think that if you guys ended up with a blowup/cheating situation this significant over quals, you guys are definitely not going to survive the writing/defense of a dissertation.
It's not clear from your description how long you were asking for her "support" during quals. During rough spots of my PhD, I definitely asked my partner to do a little more of the household stuff (and/or be ok with things falling through the cracks and ordering in/having a messy apartment), but I think the time period for which you can really check out of all househould upkeep is a week at the most. Trying to keep a two-person household running on your own while doing whatever else it is that you usually do with your life (I assume your partner works or goes to school?), is DIFFICULT. I was recently in this spot while my partner was recovering from a hospitalization, and I will say that while I was more than happy to do it (and he has done/will do it for me), it's super draining. Post-quals PhD life will continue to be very stressful/busy/etc., and you have to figure out a way to function through that without treating your partner like a live in maid/cook/secretary/personal assistant. It can be find to request that for very brief periods of intense stress, as long as you are very very nice about it and grateful, and as long as it is a REQUEST instead of a demand, but it sounds like this is not what happened. My guess is that your girlfriend looked down the road at all the stressful times left in your PhD process (and then job search process, tenure review process, etc.) and wasn't happy with where that left her. I don't know whether this relationship can be salvaged (my guess is no), but as a general point I would try and figure out how you can be a fully functional human being while doing a PhD now, so that you don't let your PhD program ruin other future relationships.
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:33 PM on October 26, 2014
I also think that if you guys ended up with a blowup/cheating situation this significant over quals, you guys are definitely not going to survive the writing/defense of a dissertation.
It's not clear from your description how long you were asking for her "support" during quals. During rough spots of my PhD, I definitely asked my partner to do a little more of the household stuff (and/or be ok with things falling through the cracks and ordering in/having a messy apartment), but I think the time period for which you can really check out of all househould upkeep is a week at the most. Trying to keep a two-person household running on your own while doing whatever else it is that you usually do with your life (I assume your partner works or goes to school?), is DIFFICULT. I was recently in this spot while my partner was recovering from a hospitalization, and I will say that while I was more than happy to do it (and he has done/will do it for me), it's super draining. Post-quals PhD life will continue to be very stressful/busy/etc., and you have to figure out a way to function through that without treating your partner like a live in maid/cook/secretary/personal assistant. It can be find to request that for very brief periods of intense stress, as long as you are very very nice about it and grateful, and as long as it is a REQUEST instead of a demand, but it sounds like this is not what happened. My guess is that your girlfriend looked down the road at all the stressful times left in your PhD process (and then job search process, tenure review process, etc.) and wasn't happy with where that left her. I don't know whether this relationship can be salvaged (my guess is no), but as a general point I would try and figure out how you can be a fully functional human being while doing a PhD now, so that you don't let your PhD program ruin other future relationships.
posted by rainbowbrite at 12:33 PM on October 26, 2014
Since your question was broad, I just wanted to chime in with my experience here. I am currently dating an academic (and have an ex who was an academic as well). Their lives are undoubtedly stressful, especially when studying for quals and such.
If my partner asked me to cook and clean and check in with them by phone every night to make sure they were on track, I... wouldn't do it. Our agreement in our relationship isn't "one person is very busy with something important, so the other person takes on the entire burden of running the household at the same level as usual with no help." Our agreement is that if one of us is very busy and can't help out as much as usual, we scale things down so they aren't so challenging. For instance, instead of eating a lot of homecooked meats and veggies the way we normally do, we might get some tasty microwavable Indian food from Trader Joe's to tide us over for the week. Or protein-heavy healthy snacks, and eat snacky meals. We don't say, hey other person, take care of me at two-person capacity even though we're only running at one-person. As far as cleaning goes, we just relax our standards of "clean" until things are back on track. I don't expect my partner to really cook and clean up double great for the both of us when I can't do my share-- though of course, I'm dating a cool person and he will do little things to take care of me when he knows I'm stressed out (and vice versa). We don't give up on ourselves utterly and I might take on microwaving duty if he was super stressed (and I'd probably cook a bit because I just enjoy cooking) but I wouldn't knock myself out for the sake of perfect domesticity. I'd run things like a bachelorette, basically.
Just wanted to throw this out there. It does sound like you are asking A LOT, not just housework but also very intense emotional support, and I wouldn't be comfortable with someone asking that of me in a relationship. In a different situation, like child care, I can see how these things would have to be hashed out pretty seriously (children depend on adults) but adults to not depend on adults the same way. If my boyfriend wanted me to call him every evening to make sure he was on track I would probably start respecting him a little less if he took it super seriously. I'd be glad to check in with him as a partner-- discuss what was going on, hear his struggles, give him emotional support and show that I think his work is important-- but I would not want to do the actual momming, as other people have called it. Huge sex appeal killer. Which is relevant since a big part of the problem here is your partner's sexual needs.
Anyway, I think your partner has some other issues going on right now, and maybe you're asking a lot from her because you can sense she isn't in a place to give a lot and you're feeling neglected and insecure in her love. And we are a heterosexual couple so there is different messaging about gender and responsibility in our relationship, and we may overcompensate a bit. But just my two cents about dividing responsibility when you live together. I personally would not want to spend all my time cooking and cleaning for someone who can't help at all when I could be microwaving a dinner and then curling up with my book, since I like time to de-stress and pursue my hobbies even if I'm not studying for quals. Having kids is a highly stressful time when you really need to sacrifice your own personal needs to make sure that everything gets done. Just being in a regular relationship, no kids-- I would highly resent being asked to give up that much of my time.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:49 PM on October 26, 2014
If my partner asked me to cook and clean and check in with them by phone every night to make sure they were on track, I... wouldn't do it. Our agreement in our relationship isn't "one person is very busy with something important, so the other person takes on the entire burden of running the household at the same level as usual with no help." Our agreement is that if one of us is very busy and can't help out as much as usual, we scale things down so they aren't so challenging. For instance, instead of eating a lot of homecooked meats and veggies the way we normally do, we might get some tasty microwavable Indian food from Trader Joe's to tide us over for the week. Or protein-heavy healthy snacks, and eat snacky meals. We don't say, hey other person, take care of me at two-person capacity even though we're only running at one-person. As far as cleaning goes, we just relax our standards of "clean" until things are back on track. I don't expect my partner to really cook and clean up double great for the both of us when I can't do my share-- though of course, I'm dating a cool person and he will do little things to take care of me when he knows I'm stressed out (and vice versa). We don't give up on ourselves utterly and I might take on microwaving duty if he was super stressed (and I'd probably cook a bit because I just enjoy cooking) but I wouldn't knock myself out for the sake of perfect domesticity. I'd run things like a bachelorette, basically.
Just wanted to throw this out there. It does sound like you are asking A LOT, not just housework but also very intense emotional support, and I wouldn't be comfortable with someone asking that of me in a relationship. In a different situation, like child care, I can see how these things would have to be hashed out pretty seriously (children depend on adults) but adults to not depend on adults the same way. If my boyfriend wanted me to call him every evening to make sure he was on track I would probably start respecting him a little less if he took it super seriously. I'd be glad to check in with him as a partner-- discuss what was going on, hear his struggles, give him emotional support and show that I think his work is important-- but I would not want to do the actual momming, as other people have called it. Huge sex appeal killer. Which is relevant since a big part of the problem here is your partner's sexual needs.
Anyway, I think your partner has some other issues going on right now, and maybe you're asking a lot from her because you can sense she isn't in a place to give a lot and you're feeling neglected and insecure in her love. And we are a heterosexual couple so there is different messaging about gender and responsibility in our relationship, and we may overcompensate a bit. But just my two cents about dividing responsibility when you live together. I personally would not want to spend all my time cooking and cleaning for someone who can't help at all when I could be microwaving a dinner and then curling up with my book, since I like time to de-stress and pursue my hobbies even if I'm not studying for quals. Having kids is a highly stressful time when you really need to sacrifice your own personal needs to make sure that everything gets done. Just being in a regular relationship, no kids-- I would highly resent being asked to give up that much of my time.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:49 PM on October 26, 2014
I don't know how long the qualifying exam/help-needing period lasted, and if it was just a few weeks it sounds reasonable enough to me (sometimes people have a once-in-a-lifetime event like a PhD exam where they need coddling). But it sounds to me like she might have been mad at you for a longish time. The behavior you're describing sounds like she is totally mad at you, whether she's expressing it directly or not, and whether or not she's consciously processing it as anger towards you. Have you been aware of her emotional needs? Is it possible you've been ignoring her needs for a while now?
I agree with the many above commenters who say she's pretty much trying to break up with you in a not-so-conscious way. If you want to save this relationship, I think you're going to have to find out what she's mad/hurt about, and then try to make amends for it. But from the symptoms you describe (especially the going out with not one, but scores of guys, while withdrawing from you), I think her process is pretty far down the line, and I suspect it's not going to be a quick fix to get back from this precipice. If you want to fix this relationship, I think you're going to have to hit it with all your might.
posted by feets at 2:41 PM on October 26, 2014
I agree with the many above commenters who say she's pretty much trying to break up with you in a not-so-conscious way. If you want to save this relationship, I think you're going to have to find out what she's mad/hurt about, and then try to make amends for it. But from the symptoms you describe (especially the going out with not one, but scores of guys, while withdrawing from you), I think her process is pretty far down the line, and I suspect it's not going to be a quick fix to get back from this precipice. If you want to fix this relationship, I think you're going to have to hit it with all your might.
posted by feets at 2:41 PM on October 26, 2014
I think it's a lot to ask her to call you every day to keep you on track. Don't get me wrong - I understand. I want my husband to do that sometimes to help me keep him on track. But if you're a PhD candidate, I think you need to be able to keep yourself on track. You're not mad at her for taking 30 seconds to call - why can't you call her if it takes such a short amount of time and you're going to be really unhappy if you two don't talk? I feel like you don't respect her time. And cooking and cleaning?
Hire someone to clean and eat cereal, sandwiches, canned soup, take-out, etc. I mean, I'd love it if my husband would do these things for me and we try to help each other out when dealing with a busy week at work or something short term. But he's a busy person and I'm a busy person so we each try to do our parts and have someone backstop us the rest of the time, whether that someone is a cleaning service or Domino's.
Also, it sounds like the biggest thing you're upset about is that she's attracted to other people. Of course she's attracted to other people. I'm married. I'm attracted to other people. I think my husband might be but he doesn't tell me. Plus it sounds like you want her to act as your caretaker right now - that is super not sexy, in my opinion. It sounds like you're not paying attention to her, someone else is, and hey, that person doesn't demand a daily call, a home-cooked meal, and a clean house. I don't think that's so shocking.
If you want to break up, I understand but I don't think your girlfriend is the jerk you seem to expect us to think she is.
posted by kat518 at 3:10 PM on October 26, 2014
Hire someone to clean and eat cereal, sandwiches, canned soup, take-out, etc. I mean, I'd love it if my husband would do these things for me and we try to help each other out when dealing with a busy week at work or something short term. But he's a busy person and I'm a busy person so we each try to do our parts and have someone backstop us the rest of the time, whether that someone is a cleaning service or Domino's.
Also, it sounds like the biggest thing you're upset about is that she's attracted to other people. Of course she's attracted to other people. I'm married. I'm attracted to other people. I think my husband might be but he doesn't tell me. Plus it sounds like you want her to act as your caretaker right now - that is super not sexy, in my opinion. It sounds like you're not paying attention to her, someone else is, and hey, that person doesn't demand a daily call, a home-cooked meal, and a clean house. I don't think that's so shocking.
If you want to break up, I understand but I don't think your girlfriend is the jerk you seem to expect us to think she is.
posted by kat518 at 3:10 PM on October 26, 2014
I had asked several things of her, like taking charge of cooking and keep the house clean while I studied. The most important thing to me was that I wanted her to call me every night
Wait, I'm confused. Do you live together or not? If you do, and she's cleaning a shared space, why must she call you at night, do you not see each other? If you don't, are you seriously asking her to come over and cook and clean at your place?
posted by Hypatia at 6:26 PM on October 26, 2014
Wait, I'm confused. Do you live together or not? If you do, and she's cleaning a shared space, why must she call you at night, do you not see each other? If you don't, are you seriously asking her to come over and cook and clean at your place?
posted by Hypatia at 6:26 PM on October 26, 2014
The poster mentions towards the end that they are on opposite shifts, so I suspect she'd be calling him from work.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:58 PM on October 26, 2014
posted by jacquilynne at 6:58 PM on October 26, 2014
The poster also mentions that she is female.
posted by feral_goldfish at 7:02 PM on October 26, 2014
posted by feral_goldfish at 7:02 PM on October 26, 2014
Oops, you're right, she does. Sorry.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:15 PM on October 26, 2014
posted by jacquilynne at 7:15 PM on October 26, 2014
For what it's worth, I pretty much expect a call every day from my husband or to call him even when we're not particularly busy, so I'm very surprised that the majority of folks here think that a call per day for one week is asking too much. However, I do agree that asking for a call just to check in on your progress with work and talk about your plans for future work sounds problematic. I've had situations before like this in relationships where the other person has asked me to do things like remind them to eat more healthy food, or other such 'accountability' tasks, and it really feels pretty awful to be asked to police your significant other's actions that way. It makes both people feel irritable and the person who's being 'checked on' tends to become defensive, even though they were the one to request that their activities be 'monitored'. It's a really negative dynamic to introduce into an already fraught relationship, especially when you're not having other positive interactions during the day as well, and you're leaning on the other person for help running the household.
So: if you want your activity to be 'monitored', use LeechBlock or other life-hack strategies that don't involve your girlfriend having to give you a hard time about what you've done. As far as the rest of your relationship, I think it sounds likely doomed, but if you want to salvage it, you need to make it seem less like work - instead of giving your girlfriend so many tasks to do for or with you (therapy counts, although it's not a bad idea generally, it's a bad idea if that's your only 'together time'), set aside time to do fun things with her, do nice things for her, make her feel appreciated for the cooking and cleaning she's been doing for you, etc. Her escapist fantasies with online guys are not exactly honorable, and I think she ought to just break up with you rather than behave the way she's behaving, but it's easy to see why she's turning to this behavior when her relationship with you is so devoid of enjoyment.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:52 PM on October 26, 2014
So: if you want your activity to be 'monitored', use LeechBlock or other life-hack strategies that don't involve your girlfriend having to give you a hard time about what you've done. As far as the rest of your relationship, I think it sounds likely doomed, but if you want to salvage it, you need to make it seem less like work - instead of giving your girlfriend so many tasks to do for or with you (therapy counts, although it's not a bad idea generally, it's a bad idea if that's your only 'together time'), set aside time to do fun things with her, do nice things for her, make her feel appreciated for the cooking and cleaning she's been doing for you, etc. Her escapist fantasies with online guys are not exactly honorable, and I think she ought to just break up with you rather than behave the way she's behaving, but it's easy to see why she's turning to this behavior when her relationship with you is so devoid of enjoyment.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:52 PM on October 26, 2014
Okay, dude, some Real Talk:
First, your PhD is no one's responsibility except yours. Your list of "things to do to support me" reads like an employee's list, not a partner's. Make yourself calendar reminders to stay on task, buy a bunch of microwaveable meals, and let the house go for a week while you buckle down. If you really need an accountability partner, get a peer.
Secondly, you don't get to suddenly change the terms of an open relationship when your partner starts acting like they are actually in an open relationship. If you are okay with an open relationship only when it is open for you....maybe consider you do not actually want an open relationship, but are trying to have full security and commitment from someone without actually offering them the same in return.
And lastly, it sounds like y'all need to move on from each other. You've got stuff to do. So does she. You both deserve better.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:26 AM on October 27, 2014
First, your PhD is no one's responsibility except yours. Your list of "things to do to support me" reads like an employee's list, not a partner's. Make yourself calendar reminders to stay on task, buy a bunch of microwaveable meals, and let the house go for a week while you buckle down. If you really need an accountability partner, get a peer.
Secondly, you don't get to suddenly change the terms of an open relationship when your partner starts acting like they are actually in an open relationship. If you are okay with an open relationship only when it is open for you....maybe consider you do not actually want an open relationship, but are trying to have full security and commitment from someone without actually offering them the same in return.
And lastly, it sounds like y'all need to move on from each other. You've got stuff to do. So does she. You both deserve better.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 10:26 AM on October 27, 2014
It sounds like you wanted to make a lot of unreasonable expectations of her, then got angry at her for not fulfilling them. She took advantage of your open relationship to meet people, and after she already met some people, you closed down the relationship because you thought she wasn't doing enough for you, after you'd already yelled at her with your unreasonable demands.
She shouldn't have kept the dudes from you, but it sounds like you are the prime mover of this distance, and if you want to fix it, you are the one who needs to start apologizing.
posted by corb at 10:35 AM on October 27, 2014
She shouldn't have kept the dudes from you, but it sounds like you are the prime mover of this distance, and if you want to fix it, you are the one who needs to start apologizing.
posted by corb at 10:35 AM on October 27, 2014
I don't think the main issue is the mishandled support required during a stressful study time. I also would not do the above while studying, but it's been covered above.
The real issue to me rings that your partner is done with the relationship for better or worse and this PhD time is simply a terrifically bad time to be dealing with a break up.
The only time I've ever acted shady in a relationship, texting and flirting online is when I was beyond done, and too scared to physically leave. That phase lasted about six weeks before it became noticed, unsustainable and the big break up ensued.
There is nothing you can do to salvage this. I am now dating a great new guy, and I cannot imagine acting that way (texting, flirting, secrecy) around him. Cannot. There is nothing that could have salvaged my last relationship, and nothing that can make me act like that in this one. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and exams. I've done it, and it sucks beyond belief, but the only blessing is that if you can focus on school to the exclusion of everything else, the passage of time will have already started to heal you when you emerge into daylight again.
posted by tatiana131 at 12:08 PM on October 27, 2014
The real issue to me rings that your partner is done with the relationship for better or worse and this PhD time is simply a terrifically bad time to be dealing with a break up.
The only time I've ever acted shady in a relationship, texting and flirting online is when I was beyond done, and too scared to physically leave. That phase lasted about six weeks before it became noticed, unsustainable and the big break up ensued.
There is nothing you can do to salvage this. I am now dating a great new guy, and I cannot imagine acting that way (texting, flirting, secrecy) around him. Cannot. There is nothing that could have salvaged my last relationship, and nothing that can make me act like that in this one. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and exams. I've done it, and it sucks beyond belief, but the only blessing is that if you can focus on school to the exclusion of everything else, the passage of time will have already started to heal you when you emerge into daylight again.
posted by tatiana131 at 12:08 PM on October 27, 2014
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posted by discopolo at 7:55 AM on October 26, 2014