My work cup filleth over with self-doubt. How shall I banish it?
October 8, 2014 6:19 AM Subscribe
I seem to have lost my work mojo. We also just got a new guy who I don't like/am threatened by. How do I deal with this? Snowflake melting inside.
I have been feeling a bit out of sorts for over a year at work - especially since I was promoted. My job duties mostly remain the same, although I have taken on more, especially around running the dept. However, now I am filled with more self doubt than ever. I feel like I am missing things and my boss has all these great ideas that I should have had. I just had my review in the let couple months and she said "you had a great year". Yet I don't feel it. I am sure I am doing okay but I just feel constant doubt. Everytime I hear a whispered meeting, etc I am sure its about me falling down on the job or my team dropping the ball (although I am sure it is not). I just don't know how to convince myself I am doing a good job.
Into this picture comes new guy that I do not like. He is a level below me, but doesn't report to me - yet in many ways he is equal. My being "above" him is mostly a technicality plus me managing a bit more dept stuff. Yet I feel threatened. He has some good ideas and suddenly I feel like he is the golden boy. We don't even work on the same things yet some of his items encroach on me. He is older and has a somewhat more impressive resume. For example we both have our MBA's - I am not use to the person in his spot having an MBA. I also just don't like him. He seems elitist and has been described as a "diva" by someone. Yet I will clearly have to work with him or destroy him.
On top of all of this I do had some kicking ADD - which I am on occasional meds for, but I don't take every day as I don't want to become addicted.
So in summary:
1) How do I regain my confidence at work?
2) How do I deal with/destroy this new guy? Or at least knock him down a peg.
I have been feeling a bit out of sorts for over a year at work - especially since I was promoted. My job duties mostly remain the same, although I have taken on more, especially around running the dept. However, now I am filled with more self doubt than ever. I feel like I am missing things and my boss has all these great ideas that I should have had. I just had my review in the let couple months and she said "you had a great year". Yet I don't feel it. I am sure I am doing okay but I just feel constant doubt. Everytime I hear a whispered meeting, etc I am sure its about me falling down on the job or my team dropping the ball (although I am sure it is not). I just don't know how to convince myself I am doing a good job.
Into this picture comes new guy that I do not like. He is a level below me, but doesn't report to me - yet in many ways he is equal. My being "above" him is mostly a technicality plus me managing a bit more dept stuff. Yet I feel threatened. He has some good ideas and suddenly I feel like he is the golden boy. We don't even work on the same things yet some of his items encroach on me. He is older and has a somewhat more impressive resume. For example we both have our MBA's - I am not use to the person in his spot having an MBA. I also just don't like him. He seems elitist and has been described as a "diva" by someone. Yet I will clearly have to work with him or destroy him.
On top of all of this I do had some kicking ADD - which I am on occasional meds for, but I don't take every day as I don't want to become addicted.
So in summary:
1) How do I regain my confidence at work?
2) How do I deal with/destroy this new guy? Or at least knock him down a peg.
How do I deal with/destroy this new guy? Or at least knock him down a peg.
You don't. You remain professional, friendly and calm in every single interaction. There is no other option. No one-upping, no making him look stupid, no losing your cool, none of it. All of those things will make you look petty and unprofessional.
I ran into a similar situation with a very aggressive person recently. Not a coworker, but someone I had to coordinate with on a project. I took my own advice above. The other person ended up looking very bad and I ended up maintaining my cool-under-pressure reputation. My guess is that if this guy is as much of a diva as his reputation indicates, he will destroy himself, with no assistance required from anyone.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:45 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
You don't. You remain professional, friendly and calm in every single interaction. There is no other option. No one-upping, no making him look stupid, no losing your cool, none of it. All of those things will make you look petty and unprofessional.
I ran into a similar situation with a very aggressive person recently. Not a coworker, but someone I had to coordinate with on a project. I took my own advice above. The other person ended up looking very bad and I ended up maintaining my cool-under-pressure reputation. My guess is that if this guy is as much of a diva as his reputation indicates, he will destroy himself, with no assistance required from anyone.
posted by futureisunwritten at 6:45 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Okay I may have used "destroy" a little tongue in cheek.
Knock him down a peg is more accurate - not just out of concern for me - but our department. This person does interact with my team and if they gain more power, etc it will be bad for my team, who I have to watch out for. I also could be bad for the department as this person may tell people things they don't need to know yet or we are not ready to discuss as a dept. So it really is about protecting the people I work with as well.
Our work environment is actually very pleasant - I want to keep it that way. Honestly this new person does not fit in from a cultural standpoint - in that we are not "divas" and not as "serious" as this individual is.
posted by IzzeYum at 6:49 AM on October 8, 2014
Knock him down a peg is more accurate - not just out of concern for me - but our department. This person does interact with my team and if they gain more power, etc it will be bad for my team, who I have to watch out for. I also could be bad for the department as this person may tell people things they don't need to know yet or we are not ready to discuss as a dept. So it really is about protecting the people I work with as well.
Our work environment is actually very pleasant - I want to keep it that way. Honestly this new person does not fit in from a cultural standpoint - in that we are not "divas" and not as "serious" as this individual is.
posted by IzzeYum at 6:49 AM on October 8, 2014
Response by poster: Or maybe not even "knock him down a peg" perhaps rather "soften his power growth" or "gently reduce his influence"
posted by IzzeYum at 6:50 AM on October 8, 2014
posted by IzzeYum at 6:50 AM on October 8, 2014
This person does interact with my team and if they gain more power, etc it will be bad for my team, who I have to watch out for.
Congratulations: You are the problem in the workplace.
Stop thinking about yourself. Stop thinking about your team. Think about your entire organization/company, and what would benefit it. If that's your team getting something, great - go fight for it. If that's another team getting something you wanted - great, go support them, even if it makes things more difficult for you. If that's a shift in power or prestige that benefits the new guy and his team, then you need to get on board and support that 110%.
You have to look at the bigger picture, not just at your little world.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:53 AM on October 8, 2014 [29 favorites]
Congratulations: You are the problem in the workplace.
Stop thinking about yourself. Stop thinking about your team. Think about your entire organization/company, and what would benefit it. If that's your team getting something, great - go fight for it. If that's another team getting something you wanted - great, go support them, even if it makes things more difficult for you. If that's a shift in power or prestige that benefits the new guy and his team, then you need to get on board and support that 110%.
You have to look at the bigger picture, not just at your little world.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 6:53 AM on October 8, 2014 [29 favorites]
I'd suggest that the best way to recover your confidence at work is to get therapy -- you sound really paranoid along with all your self-doubt, and although people have some sympathy for self-doubt they have much, much less for paranoia -- and get yourself on an appropriate medication regimen. Once you feel more confident at work, you will feel like you have your mojo back and not be so concerned about this other employee.
posted by jeather at 6:54 AM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by jeather at 6:54 AM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Success is not a zero-sum game. Read that again: Success is not a zero-sum game.
Someone else's win does not mean that you are somehow losing.
Someone else's win can actually HELP you by letting you know who you need to be paying attention to to see what's working. Do not let your jealousy and self-doubt keep you from forging relationships with successful people and building cool things. Successful people are the people who will help you get to where you need to go and be more successful yourself.
As for regaining confidence at work:
- Pay attention.
- Bring in new ideas (this involves research, reading, following industry news, etc. What can you bring in that others can't? In MBA terms, what's your personal unique selling proposition?).
- Stop thinking of coworkers as people you have to take down. You are responsible only for you. This is a freeing and bracing thing to realize.
- Find a way every now and then to add a new bullet on your resume.
posted by mochapickle at 6:55 AM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
Someone else's win does not mean that you are somehow losing.
Someone else's win can actually HELP you by letting you know who you need to be paying attention to to see what's working. Do not let your jealousy and self-doubt keep you from forging relationships with successful people and building cool things. Successful people are the people who will help you get to where you need to go and be more successful yourself.
As for regaining confidence at work:
- Pay attention.
- Bring in new ideas (this involves research, reading, following industry news, etc. What can you bring in that others can't? In MBA terms, what's your personal unique selling proposition?).
- Stop thinking of coworkers as people you have to take down. You are responsible only for you. This is a freeing and bracing thing to realize.
- Find a way every now and then to add a new bullet on your resume.
posted by mochapickle at 6:55 AM on October 8, 2014 [6 favorites]
I suspect it would be helpful to visit a psychiatrist and double-check whether your ADHD medication, or the inconsistent way you take your medication, may be exacerbating your anxiety. (You might also ask them for help with your anxiety in general.)
posted by jaguar at 6:58 AM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 6:58 AM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Oh good heavens. I just read your comments. Work is not Game of Thrones.
If someone suggests something that won't work for your department, talk to them about your concerns and explain it like a normal, rational adult. You are not a hockey goalie. Your department isn't this hermetically sealed thing.
Maybe New Guy is under orders to do XYZ and blocking him makes you look like the diva.
posted by mochapickle at 6:58 AM on October 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
If someone suggests something that won't work for your department, talk to them about your concerns and explain it like a normal, rational adult. You are not a hockey goalie. Your department isn't this hermetically sealed thing.
Maybe New Guy is under orders to do XYZ and blocking him makes you look like the diva.
posted by mochapickle at 6:58 AM on October 8, 2014 [10 favorites]
Make a list of what would make you stand out that you're not currently doing, come in early every day, and work on those things. Go to bed earlier so you don't burn yourself out doing this.
posted by michaelh at 7:01 AM on October 8, 2014
posted by michaelh at 7:01 AM on October 8, 2014
Echoing the suggestion that you consider what's good for the company as a whole not just your own dept. I've always felt that good management knows who is working well with others, who is contributing to their bottom line, etc. When I was in retail mgmt & competing against other retailers as well as my own company's other nearby stores, I learned to put my ego in check & send business to a colleague's store if it meant keeping the customer 'in the family.' I ended up with increased sales, great relationship with my boss and stomped all over my colleagues who weren't as enlightened. (Though a few of them tried to poison the well for me at HQ, MY boss knew I was performing & backed me).
As far as your new Diva, I say let him shine, he'll mess things up just fine on his own, and you can be there to help the company fix his mistakes, win-win.
Your confidence will improve when you let your ego take a break. Not saying that in a mean way, but it does sound as if your ego is ruling you now.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:18 AM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
As far as your new Diva, I say let him shine, he'll mess things up just fine on his own, and you can be there to help the company fix his mistakes, win-win.
Your confidence will improve when you let your ego take a break. Not saying that in a mean way, but it does sound as if your ego is ruling you now.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:18 AM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
I've spent my career working directly for CEOs (as their assistants) and I will tell you that any action you take to try to bring down or damage someone else's career because you feel threatened by them is going to essentially blackball you from success at any point in the future. Management hates that shit. It is petty and ridiculous. Do your best at your own job and forget this guy completely.
posted by something something at 7:32 AM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by something something at 7:32 AM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
It sound like you mostly don't like this new coworker because of personality issues. You don't mention anything he's done that has been actively a bad idea/bad for the company/actually hurt anyone. You just don't happen to like him. That's not something you actually get to do something about in a workplace. Part of your job, especially in management, is learning to work with people who come from different cultural backgrounds and have different personalities. If he is acting abusively toward others or attempting to implement policies/projects that are damaging to the organization, sure, speak up and say something from the standpoint of "It's not acceptable to yell at person X" or "This project will lose us X amount of dollars, clients, etc. or is unwise for reasons Y and Z" or whatever the case may be. If you just don't personally happen to like him, then you have to get over it. You don't have to go out for drinks with this guy after work if you don't want to be his friend, but you don't get to try and torpedo his career because you just don't like him! How would you like another manager at your firm to treat you in this way?
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:42 AM on October 8, 2014
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:42 AM on October 8, 2014
Eh, I understand the fierce desire to to play offense. I don't think it's so weird. I do think it's something that you have to kind of fight against within yourself, however. Keeping your head down and doing good work will help. Observing when you experience 'Fight or Flight' responses related to this person--the VP sends an email to him but forgets to cc you, that sort of thing, will help--that's just the brain being the brain. Try to step back, take some deep breaths, focus on the work, do not allow your feelings to allow you to make bad judgments or act defensively, because it will make you look nuts (ask me how I know!)
I do understand the feelings and in my experience it's usually related to a fairly dysfunctional workplace filled with little dramas and insecurities and power dynamics and communication vacuums. If that's not your workplace, great, it's just something to be aware of.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:50 AM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
I do understand the feelings and in my experience it's usually related to a fairly dysfunctional workplace filled with little dramas and insecurities and power dynamics and communication vacuums. If that's not your workplace, great, it's just something to be aware of.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 7:50 AM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Everyone is focusing on the coworker issue, but you also asked how to regain confidence at work, and that seems like the underlying problem—if you felt confident, you also wouldn't feel threatened. Therapy sounds like a good idea, because you do sound really anxious, and like you're not necessarily seeing the situation accurately. But since you're interested in generating more ideas at work, you could also spend time working on creativity exercises. Study up on the process of 'design thinking' if you haven't already. Maybe putting your energy into improving your idea generation will help you stop focusing on your coworker.
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:56 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by three_red_balloons at 7:56 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Deal with your impostor syndrome and level up your own leadership skills rather than making this about an uncontrollable "other" to blame. (And maybe get a physical with bloodwork if you haven't had one lately.)
posted by Lyn Never at 8:06 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Lyn Never at 8:06 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Good managers hire good people who have a valued expertise and then they get out of their way. The CEO of our company told us that he truly believes this mantra and aims to practice it whenever he can. It's very common and beneficial to have those under your direction to know more than you do about their job. Don't feel threatened nor feel afraid to learn from this person. You have your own place to shine, so focus on that!
posted by waving at 8:11 AM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by waving at 8:11 AM on October 8, 2014 [3 favorites]
Knock him down a peg is more accurate - not just out of concern for me - but our department. This person does interact with my team and if they gain more power, etc it will be bad for my team, who I have to watch out for. I also could be bad for the department as this person may tell people things they don't need to know yet or we are not ready to discuss as a dept.
So?
What I'm not understanding is - in all the things you've told me about what the guy COULD do, I've not seen a single instance you've mentioned of something he HAS done.
If you start trying to curb his actions because you're convinced you're stopping a potential problem before it starts, you're just going to look bad because you don't know if he's actually going to do anything, and it just makes you look paranoid.
Deal with the things he does when he does them, not before. Because maybe he won't do them and then you won't have to do anything after all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:16 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
So?
What I'm not understanding is - in all the things you've told me about what the guy COULD do, I've not seen a single instance you've mentioned of something he HAS done.
If you start trying to curb his actions because you're convinced you're stopping a potential problem before it starts, you're just going to look bad because you don't know if he's actually going to do anything, and it just makes you look paranoid.
Deal with the things he does when he does them, not before. Because maybe he won't do them and then you won't have to do anything after all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:16 AM on October 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
Here's a little something you should ruminate on:
First rate people hire first rate people, send rate people hire third rate people.
The point is, having educated, talented and skilled folks in ANY position in your organization is a good thing. If your organization is hiring in people with advanced degrees, who are bright and who are getting it in your culture, that means that you'll be working with the cream of the crop.
You need to feel that you are as competent and as resepcted and as relevent to the organzation as this pisher is. So...get back on meds, and get some therapy. What you are feeling is not appropriate to the situation, nor will it serve your career well.
What I'd suggest is finding a way to work with the new guy. Learn his strengths, help him shore up his weaknesses, cross-train him in what your department does. Make him an ally and mentee. Better yet, do that with YOUR reports too.
Jesus, be a manager, not the head of a fifedom!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:56 AM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
First rate people hire first rate people, send rate people hire third rate people.
The point is, having educated, talented and skilled folks in ANY position in your organization is a good thing. If your organization is hiring in people with advanced degrees, who are bright and who are getting it in your culture, that means that you'll be working with the cream of the crop.
You need to feel that you are as competent and as resepcted and as relevent to the organzation as this pisher is. So...get back on meds, and get some therapy. What you are feeling is not appropriate to the situation, nor will it serve your career well.
What I'd suggest is finding a way to work with the new guy. Learn his strengths, help him shore up his weaknesses, cross-train him in what your department does. Make him an ally and mentee. Better yet, do that with YOUR reports too.
Jesus, be a manager, not the head of a fifedom!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:56 AM on October 8, 2014 [2 favorites]
From what you have told us about yourself and your workplace, it doesn't seem like a very welcome environment for the "new guy". If I was your supervisor and had an inkling about what you were thinking, I'd wonder why you were wasting time on some imagined future conflicts and not attending to business in the here and now.
This kind of interoffice rivalry is just poison to a productive work setting. Your duty as a manager is to reduce, not accelerate the problems.
posted by mygoditsbob at 7:13 PM on October 8, 2014
This kind of interoffice rivalry is just poison to a productive work setting. Your duty as a manager is to reduce, not accelerate the problems.
posted by mygoditsbob at 7:13 PM on October 8, 2014
Keep an email folder with EVERY piece of positive feedback you have received from the job. Someone thanks you for sorting out an issue for them? Move that reply into your 'Thanks' folder. Someone liked the way you changed something, or an idea you had? Move it into the 'Thanks' folder. If there is an email relating to a project you feel proud of, put it in there.
Then, read through them regularly. It's a good little reinforcement that you want to put in that little bit of extra effort that drives people to actually respond to you. Also, it's reminding your brain that your work is valued and appreciated.
If you feel like you didn't do so well on something? Go reread your thanks folder, and keep it in perspective. It's not cheating, in marriage studies if there's a ratio of more than 1 negative interaction to every 5 positive interactions, it's a strong predictor of divorce, and, I think the workplace is pretty similar. If you've gone up in job title, you may be getting less positive feedback for the things you do, because it's perceived that that's 'just your job' now.
But, I think you really need to focus on something OUTSIDE of work.
Seriously, do you have a hobby? Craft? Art? Music? (Creative stuff is win!) Family? Strong social networks?
Try focusing on it more. You seem to be really threatened by your work situation, I think it's kind of obvious from this thread that it seems a bit out of proportion (yeah, that destroy bit and everything afterwards still isn't coming across as very funny), but hey, it sounds like you know that too. It seems to be hitting you like an ego threat.
E.g. maybe you don't have much going on for you at the moment that feels important like your job does, so if anything goes wrong there, it's a really BIG deal. Ego, your sense of self - At the moment, it's resting on a wobbly stool (chair), and the main leg is work. So, add another leg to the stool. Or more legs. If one of those takes a hit, you can shake it off, because you are still a good friend, or you are going to leave it behind and go noodle on your guitar, or hey, at least you're still quite literally levelling up in Spanish on Duolinguo. Those are solo, but activities with other people are even better.
Picking a new skill where you'll have rapid improvement for awhile is especially effective, and usually works better with the ADHD need for novelty.
I'm only suggesting this because I have the exact same problem, and I get much less anxious around work when I'm giving it less of my time, and my outside of work attention, to work, and as this makes me less anxious it (and this is not ironic!) makes me a better employee.
And please, leave the situation with this coworker alone until someone else brings it up, then suggest THEY take it to your boss. The way you're thinking about this suggests you'd be better staying out of it entirely, if possible.
posted by Elysum at 1:18 AM on October 9, 2014
Then, read through them regularly. It's a good little reinforcement that you want to put in that little bit of extra effort that drives people to actually respond to you. Also, it's reminding your brain that your work is valued and appreciated.
If you feel like you didn't do so well on something? Go reread your thanks folder, and keep it in perspective. It's not cheating, in marriage studies if there's a ratio of more than 1 negative interaction to every 5 positive interactions, it's a strong predictor of divorce, and, I think the workplace is pretty similar. If you've gone up in job title, you may be getting less positive feedback for the things you do, because it's perceived that that's 'just your job' now.
But, I think you really need to focus on something OUTSIDE of work.
Seriously, do you have a hobby? Craft? Art? Music? (Creative stuff is win!) Family? Strong social networks?
Try focusing on it more. You seem to be really threatened by your work situation, I think it's kind of obvious from this thread that it seems a bit out of proportion (yeah, that destroy bit and everything afterwards still isn't coming across as very funny), but hey, it sounds like you know that too. It seems to be hitting you like an ego threat.
E.g. maybe you don't have much going on for you at the moment that feels important like your job does, so if anything goes wrong there, it's a really BIG deal. Ego, your sense of self - At the moment, it's resting on a wobbly stool (chair), and the main leg is work. So, add another leg to the stool. Or more legs. If one of those takes a hit, you can shake it off, because you are still a good friend, or you are going to leave it behind and go noodle on your guitar, or hey, at least you're still quite literally levelling up in Spanish on Duolinguo. Those are solo, but activities with other people are even better.
Picking a new skill where you'll have rapid improvement for awhile is especially effective, and usually works better with the ADHD need for novelty.
I'm only suggesting this because I have the exact same problem, and I get much less anxious around work when I'm giving it less of my time, and my outside of work attention, to work, and as this makes me less anxious it (and this is not ironic!) makes me a better employee.
And please, leave the situation with this coworker alone until someone else brings it up, then suggest THEY take it to your boss. The way you're thinking about this suggests you'd be better staying out of it entirely, if possible.
posted by Elysum at 1:18 AM on October 9, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
Workplace politics is a game of defense, not offense. Actively trying to knock back the new guy will only backfire on you. If he were doing things like stealing your ideas or spreading rumors about you to the boss, that'd be one thing, but so far all he's done is show up and be The New Guy, so anything you do to actively knock him down a peg will make you look like a sabateur.
I think that you feeling a lack of confidence in yourself is actually more the only problem you have here - it's what's making you perceive the new guy, who hasn't done anything to get in your way, as a threat. And they clearly still like you at work, because a) your boss said you had a great year (those were her exact words, remember) and b) you got promoted. They don't promote people who aren't doing well.
If the new guy really is a bit of a diva, that'll bite him in his own ass down the road, without you having to do anything. Just concentrate on doing your own work at work, and maybe consult a therapist for the self-esteem issues to help you keep things in perspective. But I would not set out on any campaign to actively knock the new guy, because that would make you look bad and destroy you instead.
Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:25 AM on October 8, 2014 [9 favorites]