Anything to be done? Great job but supervisor doesn't like me.

October 6, 2014 7:37 PM

The very good news: A couple months ago I started a new job that I love. It's a high stress career, but basically my dream job. I get along well with almost all of my colleagues, including my peers, the big boss (person in charge of the organization), and big boss's second in command.

My department has two official people in charge with the same job title. "A" is recently promoted and effectively runs the day-to-day of the department. "A" is overseeing a big transition with how things work in our community/industry, and I really respect A's organizational skills and dedication to making it work. "B" is almost what I'd call a "supervisor emeritus"--they weren't going to demote B when they promoted A, but B doesn't have much supervisory responsibility anymore (though B is always available for important questions).

I also have a really good relationship with B. B was in the only person in charge of the department back when I was an intern at the organization, and I think B knows me really well, knows I work really hard, and was an advocate for bringing me on full time.

So, amidst this wonderful situation I know most people would kill for, I do have a small problem: A does not like me. I'm not saying A hates me, or that A has been egregiously rude to me, or is out to sabatoge me, or anything like that. Rather, it's somewhere on the line of indifference and mild disdain/eye rolling. I don't know if I'm singled out for this mild dislike or not. As it is, I avoid going to A with questions unless it is a last resort and I'm worried about doing something that will harm someone or get me in trouble; this is because, although A responds, it seems like A is annoyed I asked. (I know A is busy--but so is everybody.) Also, since I started work, I have not had a conversation with A about anything other than logistics or even a conversation that lasted more than a minute or two. I have gotten zero feedback from A about my work, positive or negative, and zero questions about how it is going.

I do NOT want to turn this into a question about whether my perception of this is accurate...please just assume it is, for the sake of argument. This is also not a question about my delicate little feelings. Rather, I'm worried that one person's bad opinion will poison the well and/or lead to decreased opportunities.

SO, my questions are: (1) How do I avoid having this inhibit my career, and (2) possibly develop a better working relationship with A?

Re: (1), the idea of focusing on the good work relationships and not wasting your energy on the bad ones makes sense to me. If anyone's read Tina Fey's Bossypants, you'll remember what she says about "over," "under," and "through"--that resonates with me and it's what I'm talking about.

Re: (2), I know I can't make someone like me. But I hope there's something I can improve about the situation.

If anyone has been in a similar situation, how did you handle it? Any advice for me out there about how to deal with the situation? I'm just starting my professional career after much schooling and don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

posted by picardythird to Work & Money (13 answers total)

At my job, roles change frequently enough (around once per year) that we never have an unpleasant boss for long. Or you switch from an unpleasant boss to a clueless one, to an absent one, to an overbearing one.

If it helps at all, if you can make the best of your current situation you probably won't be there for long! :)
posted by bbqturtle at 7:43 PM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

I've worked with people who didn't like me before. You best bet is to try to take feelings out of the equation completely -- and it sounds a lot like this supervisor may be doing that already. A is all business, right? So you should be all business, too, and super professional all the time. It's clear that you're not going to bond over shared hobbies and lunch dates or whatever, andt that's fine. Sometimes a working relationship doesn't have to be warm and fuzzy to be functional. You don't need anyone to like you, you just need them to work with you and respect you.
posted by Andrhia at 7:53 PM on October 6, 2014 [14 favorites]

Here's the thing; unless someone is the owner, they still need to have professional reasons to disadvantage you. Say that B wanted to promote you, A can't say "no" to their boss just because they don't like you. (Unless the place is seriously dysfunctional.) So, just not likeing you isn't as big a hindrance as you may think, as long as you still have access to other managers, and you are competent. If A is all business and not outright malicious, they may be perfectly capable of seeing you as the best person for the job while still not caring for you.

Also, you say that A is in charge of some huge project and you don't know if you are singled out. It sounds possible that A is stressed and treats everyone this way.

I would suggest in this scenario, doing the best work you possibly can is the best way to improve your relationship with A. Keep your questions focused and specific, and supply the information they need to answer your question without them having to do the research for you. Make sure to take notes and refer to them so you don't ask the same question twice. Since you've had so little interaction, it may not take too much to change their impression of you.
posted by spaltavian at 8:05 PM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

Even if A doesn't like you, it doesn't seem like A is actively trying to sabotage or be mean to you. That plus your other descriptions of A's behavior make A sound like a person who strives to be professional at all times and thus you can probably count on A to not let A's personal feelings affect performance reviews, promotion decisions, etc. Just do a very good job and let your work speak for itself is probably the best thing you can do to win A over.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:28 PM on October 6, 2014

I have gotten zero feedback from A about my work, positive or negative, and zero questions about how it is going.

This is a problem. What's your performance review going to look like? How do you know you're meeting your supervisor's expectations? I might be exaggerating to say that if you don't know and aren't asking, that's already minus points. Minus points for A on his review also for his part in this, but that's little consolation to you when you get a lukewarm (or even bad) review that comes as a surprise to you.

Also, not talking to A is probably making it look like you're unwilling to take direction when necessary and to ask questions when you aren't sure.

You don't have to be best buddies, but you DO need to communicate. First step: Stop avoiding A. Stop guessing what A thinks of you. If A thinks you're terrible, then it's A's responsibility to tell you, and yours to hear it instead of hide from it. If A does actually have something against you, then you have something to work with instead of speculation.
posted by ctmf at 8:45 PM on October 6, 2014 [4 favorites]

As it is, I avoid going to A with questions unless it is a last resort and I'm worried about doing something that will harm someone or get me in trouble

You might dig a little deeper into what is going on here.

Maybe get some feedback from B or another trusted coworker about whether you get unusually worried about harming others or getting in trouble? If A has more of a shoot from the hip style and you're more on the beanplating end of the spectrum, maybe it's just a style difference. A sees the big picture and never worries about the details that you seem really concerned about?

Are you still going to B more than A even though B's responsibilities are being phased out? The mild eye-rolling may be because you seem to A to not understand who is the new sheriff in town?

Is A picking up on your avoidance and using them as a last resort? Maybe force yourself to go to A whenever it makes sense to do so, cheerfully and without hesitation, so that there's no avoiding or postponing for A to pick up on.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 8:55 PM on October 6, 2014 [4 favorites]

Sounds like it's high time for a one-on-one with A. As your manager, A should be doing this regularly, but if they're not, then it's on you to initiate.

Ask for a meeting and frame it like this: "A, I'd like to meet with you to make sure I understand what I need to do to be successful here."

In the meeting, your job is to a) ask questions about what A expects and wants from you—and listen carefully to the answers; b) let A know how it's going and all the ways that you are currently being awesome; and c) tell A that you "respect A's organizational skills and dedication to making it work."
posted by ottereroticist at 9:06 PM on October 6, 2014 [1 favorite]

Could it possibly be in an issue that you are avoiding going to A for assistance until it is absolutely unavoidable? Perhaps A feels like you are going over their head or around them, when they are your supervisor and should be your first port of call.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 9:16 PM on October 6, 2014 [2 favorites]

I would schedule a One-on-One with A, every two weeks for about 30 minutes. Come prepared with a list of:

1. What I've accomplished in the past two weeks
2. What I'm working on in the next two weeks
3. Roadblocks that A can help me break through
4. Questions
5. Ask for feedback "So, given all that, in your opinion, what skills should I be working on?"

Never let the meeting go on longer than 30 minutes. If it's shorter, leave.

Other than that, stay professional, be respectful of time and projects and if it's small, ask a co-worker or B if it's something they can help with.

If you need A's input on something, schedule the time, even if it's 10 minutes. Go on Outlook and put a short meeting in for 10:10 to 10:20. Stand up during the meeting to indicate that it's not a long chit-chat, but just a chance to connect in person to thresh out this issue. Even better if you come in with a list of things that can be quickly decided.

I'd also send a weekly email with a quick summary and with any outstanding issues or things that need to be resolved before you can continue on with your work. I'd do this late Thursday afternoon.

Dear A,

Just wanted to give you an update on the Gazingus Pin project. I'm still waiting for the numbers from Marketing and IT expects the code to be finished next Tuesday. I've left a message for Margot, but if you could exert some pressure, we might press through the log-jam. Ralph got back to me with the presentation, I added our portion, and I've attached it for your review.

Regards,

Picardythird

Other than that. don't sweat it. Can't be liked by everyone.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:15 AM on October 7, 2014 [4 favorites]

Lots of good answers. I'll add a couple of things that have helped me in similar situations:

1) I find it helpful to discuss people like A with others at work. Keep it 100% professional so you don’t stray into gossip - rather than saying "I don't think they like me" or "we don't get along well," frame the conversation as you wanting to understand A and form a better working relationship so you are both more effective. Oftentimes, others' can give you some insight into how A works and thinks so you can engage A in the way that A likes to be engaged. In fact, I would recommend reframing the problem in your head from “supervisor doesn't like me” to “supervisor aren’t working together as well as we could there so is room for improvement, and that improvement can come from me.” Both statements can be technically true at the same time, but the latter one is more professional and leaves the door open for actual improvements. A better understanding of A may help you work on the relationship.

2) Once you have some insight into how A likes to operate, try to work with A that way. Maybe the like lots of small talk to build up a relationship, and talking to A about their life outside of work would help. Maybe A hates small talk, so you can try staying as on-topic as possible. Maybe A hates interruptions, but would be fine with you scheduling 10 minutes with them to ask your questions so they know when you’re coming by. Maybe A thinks everyone should try handling their problems on their own first, so when you come to A with a question you can be ready to describe what you’ve already tried. Maybe A likes a heads up long before a crisis arises, so you should go to A before you spend a day alone trying 5 different things. Maybe A is a curmudgeon and doesn’t get along well with anyone, and everyone in the office knows it, so you can stop worrying and just make the relationship as good as it can be (i.e., not very good).

3) It often helps me to accept that with some people there’s a limit to how good my relationship with them will be. Some people are more like me and we’ll get along very well. Others don’t share my temperament and we won’t get along as well, but that’s okay. Accepting this reminds me that very few people are impossible to get along with; just because we’re not best friends doesn’t preclude a good working relationship. This means I can work on making my relationship with them as good as it can reasonably be, and not get frustrated if it’s not the best working relationship ever. Basically, accept that “good enough” is good enough.

Also, nthing that you should consider talking to A directly, but maybe do these steps first to see if they are enough. Then when you talk to A directly you have already been working on improving the relationship. Hopefully the groundwork will help the conversation go better.
posted by Tehhund at 5:43 AM on October 7, 2014 [3 favorites]

You've only been there a couple of months. The fact that you haven't had a real talk with your supervisor about performance isn't out of the ordinary for a lot of environments, especially given that the supervisor is new. There's some good advice above, regarding observation of how A likes to interact, and being sure that your reluctance to bother A isn't being interpreted as your dislike/avoidance. Other than that, I say hang in there, and maybe get some advice from coworkers who know A better than you do about how best to work with A.
posted by aimedwander at 6:13 AM on October 7, 2014 [1 favorite]

I agree to start fishing around about what qualities A likes to see in their staff. I had a boss who I thought was all-business-all-the-time but someone tipped me off to the fact that they LOVED talking about XYZ. I had been darting in and out of their office as quickly as possible, sticking to the facts, but when I sat down and asked about XYZ, the boss really opened up and started being friendly. I am normally a good judge of character but this boss was really hard to read. It definitely helped getting another person's perspective.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:56 AM on October 7, 2014

FWIW, my manager behaves a lot like yours. He goes out of his way to discuss projects with others but rarely speaks to me about mine. I believe he treats me with much less respect than the other project managers in his group. He did give me a great yearly review, however. Sometimes people are not easy to interpret, maybe it's a defense mechanism to keep some folk at arms length for reasons we will never know. To keep my feelings and insecurities about it in check I try to communicate with other higher management folks that are more willing to be sociable. Not talking about work behind my bosses back but making connections that fulfill my need to have good relationships at work.
posted by waving at 7:22 AM on October 7, 2014