Seeking secular language for powerful experience

October 2, 2014 9:14 PM

This year someone very close to me was hurt very badly and then, to my great shock and relief, he recovered fully. I'm still processing this experience and probably always will be. I'm frustrated that the words that I have to best describe what he went through are often religious. I don't believe in god and neither does the person who was injured. I did not think that he would ever be the same again. The fact that he is is "miraculous," to be with him now is "a blessing" -- but it's not. The best-fit way I know to phrase it is "it's a miracle of modern science!" I'd appreciate help finding a truly secular vocabulary that captures the power of what he (and I) went through.

Another aspect of this that I'm troubled by is that during the whole episode I reached out to friends for support. I felt very comforted by people who said they'd pray for the injured person. Not because I believe there's any value in that, but because I felt an authenticity of their caring and willingness to do something, pray, for him. I wish there was as powerful a secular equivalent that I can offer others in their times of crisis. I say "I'm thinking about them" or "they're in my thoughts" but again, it doesn't feel nearly as potent.

posted by palegirl to Human Relations (24 answers total)

I've heard people say things like "my heart is with you" or "you're in my heart and my thoughts" which doesn't quite suit my style but carries more impact and emotion than "you're in my thoughts."

As far as the person who was hurt ... rather than describe the event, you could describe your feelings about the event.

Or you could look at poetry. Mary Oliver and Sharon Olds, maybe.
posted by bunderful at 9:33 PM on October 2, 2014

I don't really have an answer, though when a close friend of mine unexpectedly survived a fatal illness, I thought of it as a gift (though this, too, could be taken as religious by someone who wanted to see it that way). I also think of it as wonderful, in the literal sense that it fills me with amazement. It's interesting that the word miracle also comes from the Latin for wonder.
posted by three_red_balloons at 9:47 PM on October 2, 2014

I'm not sure why "blessing" necessitates a religious meaning. That would not be the first way I would hear it. It's meaning goes beyond whether one believes in God. A gift seems similar to me. Both words connote gratitude for that which is larger than yourself, and a recognition of your own limitations.

Also, why "it's a miracle of modern science"? Are you trying to replace God with Science as all powerful and praiseworthy and trying to find a way that would express this?
posted by Blitz at 10:16 PM on October 2, 2014

I think the dilemma you're experiencing was well articulated by Stephenson in Crytptonomicon after the contemporary characters discover a 40 year old sunken sub while they are doing sonar scans:

"Bingo. Suddenly, fourteen-fifteenths of the boat is full of water, and the other fifteenth is a pocket of compressed air, capable of supporting life briefly. Most of her crew dead, she fell fast and settled hard onto the bottom, breaking her back and leaving the bow section pointing upwards, as you see her. If anyone was still alive in the bubble, they died a long, slow death. May God have mercy on their souls."

In other circumstances, the religious reference would make Randy uncomfortable, but here it seems like the only appropriate thing to say. Think what you will about religious people, they always have something to say at times like this. What would an atheist come up with? Yes, the organisms inhabiting that submarine must have lost their higher neural functions over a prolonged period of time and eventually turned into pieces of rotten meat. So what?

I just think we don't have non-religious language to express our sense of gratitude and wonder at some happy turn of events like that. I'd vote that you can call it miraculous, but know that the sense in which you mean it is the miracle of the natural world, as opposed to something supernatural.
posted by jasper411 at 10:19 PM on October 2, 2014

You can always thank the laws of the universe for bending your and your friend's favour. A miracle is just that. Doesn't have to be directed by a higher power.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 11:11 PM on October 2, 2014

Maybe you want something in the neighborhood of "lucky" but a bit more solemn. Perhaps "fortunate"? E.g., "It was a great stroke of fortune that he survived."
posted by girl flaneur at 11:14 PM on October 2, 2014

If I don't want to say that I will pray for someone, I say something like "Sending you all of my love and good vibes/positive thoughts/hugs", depending on our relationship. Even if you don't believe in God, it may still be a comfort to think about a life force or energy that humans share via emotional connection. Whether science can prove it or not, human emotion can give us energy or sap us of our strength.
posted by MultiFaceted at 11:26 PM on October 2, 2014

The first word I thought of was "amazing."

As far as secular phrasing, how about something like "Good healing thoughts/vibes?" I've also seen "Love and light."
posted by SisterHavana at 11:43 PM on October 2, 2014

You're trying to fill in the "faith" box with something else. The problem with faith is that by its very nature it's irreplaceable. As an atheist it's a total pain, language-wise, and I completely get where you're coming from.

Take it a step further, that's what you have to do. What does faith inspire people to do? To love others (hopefully) or spend time and energy in ways that are unselfish. So instead of "it's a miracle he's alive!" it's "I'm just so happy we can spend more time together." or "He can do so many things now that he thought he wouldn't have a chance to get to." Or perhaps something more specific to your friend. The step further from "I'll pray for you" is, subsequently, an offer of concrete assistance or honest empathy. "If you need anything just ask." or "I hope you can quickly get through/stay strong during this difficult time."

To some religious people, faith is interchangeable with empathy, helping others, and gratefulness. But all of those qualities can be expressed in a secular way. There just aren't any handy idioms to fall back on. Like a lot of things secular, you have to be more cognizant and present in your language. But the end result is the same because it all comes from a place of love.
posted by Mizu at 11:52 PM on October 2, 2014

I think of these things in terms of multiverses, and I am very glad that ours contains such an unexpectedly good outcome for your friend. To me, evoking the dazzling scope of literally infinite possibilities cues a major sense of wonder and awe that we get to experience this one.
posted by teremala at 12:04 AM on October 3, 2014

I think awe is a good word. It's used by religious people but isn't religious. It also only meant "fear" in the past but evolved to mean, basically, "that's so amazing, it scares me." Today, we've made it solely positive, as with the word "awesome." But I like the mixture of feelings in the word "awe." The universe gives me a feeling of awe, as do events like the one you've experienced.

My mother, a fundamentalist Christian who believes in faith healing, waited to check on a lump in her breast until she was near death and diagnosed as stage IV (because, of course, if you believe right you don't get cancer--"by His stripes, we are healed"). The odds of coming out of that are horrible, but she has come out of it very well (and ironically attributes that to God, which just about kills me). I've hated hearing her throw around the word "miracle" for the same reasons you're struggling with it. "Miracle" feels horrible when someone ended up in the hospital in the first place. And there's no miracle when science works, even if the odds aren't good. It's just human knowledge and efforts working against bad odds and, by happy coincidence, coming out on top. But I do feel awe over the situation.

As for what to say to others in their times of need, I like offering myself to them. Rather than telling people I'm praying or thinking of them (nonactionable), I like to let them know I am there if they need me and willing to do something if they think I can help (actionable). Few people take you up on this, in my experience, but only say this if you truly mean it. I've found it means a lot to give such words and to receive them. Actions, as the saying goes, always speak louder.
posted by iamfantastikate at 12:08 AM on October 3, 2014

You have emotions. If you can find the words for them, they are helpful for connecting to others. When I am suffering, it's good for me to know how others are feeling. It generates empathy and connection. Faith based language is effective because it conveys tenderness and affection and belonging quite well. In a non-religious context naming your feelings is helpful.

(Pro tip: when expressing emotions don't start a sentence with "I feel like..." because what follows is a thought, not an emotion. Start with "I feel..." and then name the emotion. You'll feel how much more powerful it is to say it like that.)

As for miracles, the secular way to think about them may be to just notice and share your immense gratitude in everything that went into the right people doing the right things at the right time to restore your friend's health fully. Even as a Christian, I'm not comfortable with the word "miracle," especially in this context, but there is something in the incredible gratitude I feel for all of this alignment of knowledge and skill that made the result possible. I actually feel that right now, responding to your story about your friend.

It makes me really happy that you are looking for words to express all of this as authentically as possible, to express as deeply as possible how this situation has affected you. That in itself is beautiful, and I'd be proud to have a friend that cared enough about me to do that.
posted by salishsea at 12:51 AM on October 3, 2014

I mean, what do you say when you orgasm? "Oh, Highly Scientific Principles !!!"

Most use a shorthand of that; myself, I find it somewhat comical that I alternate "Oh god !!" and/or "Oh fuck !! Fuck !!!"

Some things just can't be articulated without a recognition of wonder, and awe, and joy.

I saw my cardiologist today, the man who brought me back to life ten years ago in July; we edged around this territory, looking each other dead in the eye, smiling as if we'd just discovered teeth.

Every year, I thank him, and I tell him what I am doing with the gift his skills have given me.

I tell him how I considered everything, early on, those first months as I was recovering my strength and my snap, and determined that I am here to mentor these younger men, to love them, hard as I know how to. I'm perfectly suited to it, and perfectly situated, too. It's the most important thing I do. I tell him of their lives, and of mine.

I also bust his ass some, and call him a kid -- he's younger than I am. We have a lot of fun, it's not like we're all serious, though the whole damn thing is of course (ahem) dead serious.

Have fun with your friend. Tell him you love him. Buy him a hat. And tell him to watch his damn cholesterol closer if he's got a doc that's anything like mine, or he'll get his ass chewed out like I did today.

I'm glad your friend is alive. I'm glad he's got you for a friend.

Have fun!
posted by dancestoblue at 1:51 AM on October 3, 2014

Gratitude is what you might be thinking of, and that you need to have a recipient deity for the gratitude, but you can simply have a celebration of gratitude to all the people both now from the lab tech to the hospital cleaner to the doctors and nurses to the friends who supported him and you, to the people in the past who got together to make it possible for your friend to have another long good stretch of time with you. I am superduper religious, but have teared up in secular gratitude walking through hospital wards on the way out, thinking of all the thousands of hands who contributed to building the hospital, the educations and businesses, the people now and in the past who came together so that when I was sick, I could get healed. Gratitude to the thousands of threads that interwove in many lives to make this gift of time and health possible, who provided comfort and support to you personally - that's a wonderful human emotion and thought to hold on to and experience.
posted by viggorlijah at 3:16 AM on October 3, 2014

I disagree that there's something innate about the faith box.
I'm tired, and not in the best frame of mind for writing, but I'll try anyway.

What there is, is poetry, and meaning, and that certain repeated phrases, which access these things, can build up resonance over time. So part of what feels disappointing, is that alternate phrases have not built up that repeated resonance.
Which means you just have to try harder on the poetry, and really MEAN that meaning.

So for someone who has gone/is going through something hard -
First step, it's not words.
It's holding that silence for a moment, letting them know you are really there, not just coming up with a platitude, while you look them in the eyes. It makes people feel vulnerable to do that, but just allow that.
Then you speak from real emotion.
You could just say something as simple as:
I'm here for you. I'll be thinking of you. And when you need me, or when you're ready, I'll be there in whatever way you need me to be.

People pick up a body language of faith, which isn't about religion, but about being willing to be present, and sometimes letting emotion overwhelm, and let it flow through you like a wave, if that's what it's going to do. It's really not just the words. It's speaking slowly, and letting there be space between phrases.

Instead of blessed?
I've been given a precious gift. One that was given to me by so many people, who have worked together, to save him, and to bring him back to me.


Religion gives a veneer of respectability to speaking from the heart and being vulnerable, and risking sounding corny. Screw it. Speak it anyway.

I'm no poet (especially not at this time of night), but I've been the celebrant at an atheist wedding, and did a reading for a stillborn baby, and they had that something. They had that meaning.
posted by Elysum at 3:53 AM on October 3, 2014

The problem you are coming up against is that the language you (and I) use have come about through centuries of religious thought. It is not that religious phrasing is innate to how we speak and think, but rather that how we speak and think is through using a language that has been shaped and disseminated by religious institutions. It's simply the history of the English language that makes it so.

So, you (and I) have to push against that weight of history.

"Thank you for keeping my friend's recovery in your thoughts. I felt so much love and warmth coming from all corners and it kept us both going"

"I am grateful to the staff of SuperHospital. 21st century medicine is really something else and I feel privileged to have witnessed some exceptionally skilled and talented people at work. You guys rock - without you, My Friend would not have been here!" (less formal but still gets the wonder across)
posted by kariebookish at 4:16 AM on October 3, 2014

As society has secularized, words like this are commonly understood as metaphors. While it's true there are many people who believe in literal miracles, most people don't use the word to mean an act of God, but an act of great luck. "Blessed" is one of those words that typically sets my teeth on edge as an atheist, but there are certain experiences that no other word really fits. I used it when I feel particularly gifted by the universe or people in it. No god required. But you have to use the language you feel comfortable with.
posted by rikschell at 6:21 AM on October 3, 2014

I think atheists should freely use words like blessing, miracle, spirit, soul, sin and faith wherever they seem appropriate. Don't bury these concepts with the saints. Don't allow them to be dragged down into history and lost as our world moves on.

Their meanings are still useful and clear, and I think using these words can serve as a "welcome sign" from the irreligious to the religious, by creating space where both worldviews find common ground in experience.

There is still room for poetry amid the mundane.
posted by General Tonic at 6:49 AM on October 3, 2014

If religion is man made, don't words and concepts like miracle predate religion?

As for a powerful saying in times of crisis, you could say "I'll light a candle for her/him".

While this could be constructed as religious, candles don't carry that connotation nearly as much as prayer. And personally, it is always a powerful moment to light a candle and observe the flame for a minute in silence.
posted by travelwithcats at 7:08 AM on October 3, 2014

If Ayn Rand, one of the most militant secularists in history, felt comfortable using "God bless you" because of its universally understood meaning, I think you can use it authentically if you choose. These phrases reference human experience, which has, traditionally, been understood through religion, but I would argue they are not themselves truly religious, not when expressed by someone who is not.
posted by wnissen at 9:47 AM on October 3, 2014

I'm thinking of this statement from an episode of Doctor Who:

"The Universe is big. It's vast and complicated and ridiculous. And sometimes—very rarely—impossible things just happen and we call them miracles."

You could argue it's a religious show because The Doctor is a trickster/God figure and this is a mystical sentiment. But as far as I can tell, it's an accurate statement. Ridiculously gracious things happen sometimes that don't fall in our estimation of the likely or even possible. It doesn't matter if your attribution is to the laws of the universe ticking off the required course, words like miracle or blessing still seem to work.
posted by weston at 10:35 AM on October 3, 2014

I might suggest the experience as a "Paradigm Shift" - in encompassing the "change in perspective" but being a scientific term also the role of science and technology in keeping him alive.

Other than that, perhaps a "pivotal" moment, in that you experienced the concept of "fate" very directly.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:23 PM on October 3, 2014

Temporal singularity / Point of Divergence also works as a descriptor - in the idea that there was a point where a new history / dimension was created.
posted by Middlemarch at 1:56 PM on October 3, 2014

Did finding out that he recovered feel like part of you, too, came back from the dead?
posted by Anything at 12:04 PM on November 25, 2014