My Best Frenemy's Wedding
August 21, 2014 1:20 PM
(ugh.)
Friend B from this post is getting married next month, and I don't want to go. Or I do want to go, to support her fiance and be with old friends. But I don't want to celebrate her in any way. How do I proceed and keep my dignity?
Since that ask in January, the situation deteriorated in a big way. When I suggested an alternate plan for a bachelorette party, Friend B accused me of selfishness and "whining about money," among other harsh statements. After that, during the bachelorette weekend for A, Friend B basically bullied me all weekend--mocking me openly in front of other friends, deliberately excluding me and attempting in-jokes at my expense, throwing objects at me (!!) and insulting me to my face. Candid photos of that weekend have her glaring at me. It was so bad our other friends were kind of laughing awkwardly all weekend long. I didn't call her out or confront her because I didn't want to ruin the weekend.
Since then, B has played dumb when I spoke to her about the bullying behavior at A's weekend. She let me know that she felt really hurt when I wasn't more "enthusiastic" about her wedding from the very beginning--even though I was, I think. Another crime, in her eyes, is that I didn't buy enough food at the grocery store during A's bachelorette. We had plenty of food. It's a bizarre complaint. She said some more insulting things, asked if I was jealous of her, made some jabs, acted aghast when I said I didn't think a wedding needed to be a princessy thing. It was a shitshow. So I begged off of her wedding celebrations, and she didn't stop me. But I am still invited to the wedding.
To suss out whether B's behavior is temporary insanity or a permanent hostility towards me, I GChatted with her a bit here and there. My friendly overtures ("how's your thesis coming?") were met with one-word answers, then silence. So I took advantage of a work trip coming up and told her I was probably going to be out of town during her wedding. Phew! Off the hook and with a legit excuse. But the drama didn't end! I got a handwritten letter from her in the mail saying it "hurt her feelings" when I told her I might not be able to attend the wedding, considering our long friendship, etc. No apology anywhere. Even so, I started to feel kind of bad and looked into changing my flight home from the work trip. I emailed her to let her know that. No response.
But I think I could go, with a close friend as my date, and enjoy a fancy night out with some old friends I don't get to see very often. I'll have the chance to visit with some family, too, including a brother I rarely get to see. It could be a nice visit. And B will be too busy, as the bride, to antagonize me. But I'm still feeling hurt and angry and don't really want to "celebrate" her or even look at her face at this point. So should I go? Do I want to skip it and possibly burn a bridge just because someone was mean to me (I feel like a whiny kid when I complain about the bullying)? The friendship was semi-toxic for years, and it just feels like awful timing that it's reached a head during her wedding year. Any other time, I would do a slow fade.
Again, as with all my asks, I have lost sight of what's reasonable and what's not. Is it self-care to avoid this person? Should I be compassionate and celebrate her? Have you (or have you known) anyone who turned into a monster during their wedding year? Is that any excuse? I have about a week to figure this out and really have no idea what's right.
Since that ask in January, the situation deteriorated in a big way. When I suggested an alternate plan for a bachelorette party, Friend B accused me of selfishness and "whining about money," among other harsh statements. After that, during the bachelorette weekend for A, Friend B basically bullied me all weekend--mocking me openly in front of other friends, deliberately excluding me and attempting in-jokes at my expense, throwing objects at me (!!) and insulting me to my face. Candid photos of that weekend have her glaring at me. It was so bad our other friends were kind of laughing awkwardly all weekend long. I didn't call her out or confront her because I didn't want to ruin the weekend.
Since then, B has played dumb when I spoke to her about the bullying behavior at A's weekend. She let me know that she felt really hurt when I wasn't more "enthusiastic" about her wedding from the very beginning--even though I was, I think. Another crime, in her eyes, is that I didn't buy enough food at the grocery store during A's bachelorette. We had plenty of food. It's a bizarre complaint. She said some more insulting things, asked if I was jealous of her, made some jabs, acted aghast when I said I didn't think a wedding needed to be a princessy thing. It was a shitshow. So I begged off of her wedding celebrations, and she didn't stop me. But I am still invited to the wedding.
To suss out whether B's behavior is temporary insanity or a permanent hostility towards me, I GChatted with her a bit here and there. My friendly overtures ("how's your thesis coming?") were met with one-word answers, then silence. So I took advantage of a work trip coming up and told her I was probably going to be out of town during her wedding. Phew! Off the hook and with a legit excuse. But the drama didn't end! I got a handwritten letter from her in the mail saying it "hurt her feelings" when I told her I might not be able to attend the wedding, considering our long friendship, etc. No apology anywhere. Even so, I started to feel kind of bad and looked into changing my flight home from the work trip. I emailed her to let her know that. No response.
But I think I could go, with a close friend as my date, and enjoy a fancy night out with some old friends I don't get to see very often. I'll have the chance to visit with some family, too, including a brother I rarely get to see. It could be a nice visit. And B will be too busy, as the bride, to antagonize me. But I'm still feeling hurt and angry and don't really want to "celebrate" her or even look at her face at this point. So should I go? Do I want to skip it and possibly burn a bridge just because someone was mean to me (I feel like a whiny kid when I complain about the bullying)? The friendship was semi-toxic for years, and it just feels like awful timing that it's reached a head during her wedding year. Any other time, I would do a slow fade.
Again, as with all my asks, I have lost sight of what's reasonable and what's not. Is it self-care to avoid this person? Should I be compassionate and celebrate her? Have you (or have you known) anyone who turned into a monster during their wedding year? Is that any excuse? I have about a week to figure this out and really have no idea what's right.
The friendship was semi-toxic for years, and it just feels like awful timing that it's reached a head during her wedding year.
Why do you care about burning a toxic bridge. By all means, do not go. Maybe skip the wedding spend more time with your brother, or save the money and spend a different weekend with your brother. You have no obligation to go to this wedding. It sounds like this girl is a monster.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:26 PM on August 21, 2014
Why do you care about burning a toxic bridge. By all means, do not go. Maybe skip the wedding spend more time with your brother, or save the money and spend a different weekend with your brother. You have no obligation to go to this wedding. It sounds like this girl is a monster.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:26 PM on August 21, 2014
It is self care to avoid this person.
You can be compassionate and celebrate her with or without attendance at her wedding.
There is absolutely no excuse for being a Bridezilla, although the pressures of the performance of femininity may sometimes explain it.
posted by Mistress at 1:30 PM on August 21, 2014
You can be compassionate and celebrate her with or without attendance at her wedding.
There is absolutely no excuse for being a Bridezilla, although the pressures of the performance of femininity may sometimes explain it.
posted by Mistress at 1:30 PM on August 21, 2014
Yeah, the fact that you describe the friendship as semi-toxic for years means that this is a great time to cut it off. She was hurt that you weren't coming to her wedding, but she couldn't be bothered to respond to questions about how she's doing?
Be free of this increasingly toxic friendship and take care of yourself.
posted by ldthomps at 1:32 PM on August 21, 2014
Be free of this increasingly toxic friendship and take care of yourself.
posted by ldthomps at 1:32 PM on August 21, 2014
OK, I'm the one who always says everyone should go to the wedding. And this time I'm saying skip it. I'm exhausted just reading about B.
posted by mochapickle at 1:37 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by mochapickle at 1:37 PM on August 21, 2014
To clarify which bridge I'm reluctant to burn: My friendship with B has existed since we were toddlers, and in only a handful of our total years of friendship has she been mean to me. In one view, this recent bullying seems like a blip.
The other thing is that her parents are close friends with my mother, and her fiance is a great guy. I knew him before B met him, so I consider him a friend in his own right. So it's the bridge of B's friendship and a few satellite friendships too. My mom, for what it's worth, says I should "suck it up and go."
posted by magdalemon at 1:37 PM on August 21, 2014
The other thing is that her parents are close friends with my mother, and her fiance is a great guy. I knew him before B met him, so I consider him a friend in his own right. So it's the bridge of B's friendship and a few satellite friendships too. My mom, for what it's worth, says I should "suck it up and go."
posted by magdalemon at 1:37 PM on August 21, 2014
Good GOD why the hell would you go? This person sounds terrible and is in no way behaving like a friend. I would just write this whole relationship off and go on with my life.
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:38 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:38 PM on August 21, 2014
If you don't go, she will tell your mutual friends that that's why the friendship is over.
If you do go, your friendship is over anyway because she's awful and you hate each other. (Throwing things? Really?)
I don't think it matters a ton. If you want to make a statement, don't go. If you do go, you'll probably feel like a bit of a hypocrite, but you will also be able to tell yourself that you aren't the one who's ended the friendship, if that matters to you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:38 PM on August 21, 2014
If you do go, your friendship is over anyway because she's awful and you hate each other. (Throwing things? Really?)
I don't think it matters a ton. If you want to make a statement, don't go. If you do go, you'll probably feel like a bit of a hypocrite, but you will also be able to tell yourself that you aren't the one who's ended the friendship, if that matters to you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:38 PM on August 21, 2014
You are absolutely fine if you decide not to go. The friendship is toxic -- and it barely exists anymore. Maybe she is stressed from her thesis and wedding planning and will feel horrible when this is all over, probably not, but maybe. Even so, she doesn't get to treat you like this.
However, should you decide that it is worth the cost of celebrating her to see your other friends and your brother, that is also absolutely fine. But you're not obliged to out of some history you had with her. If you do not want to go, and it sounds like you don't, that is completely okay.
posted by jeather at 1:38 PM on August 21, 2014
However, should you decide that it is worth the cost of celebrating her to see your other friends and your brother, that is also absolutely fine. But you're not obliged to out of some history you had with her. If you do not want to go, and it sounds like you don't, that is completely okay.
posted by jeather at 1:38 PM on August 21, 2014
In one view, this recent bullying seems like a blip.
For a few YEARS? No.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2014
For a few YEARS? No.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:40 PM on August 21, 2014
After your update, I still stick by my answer. The length of time you've known her doesn't trump her acting like a bitch to you, not just once but for an entire weekend publicly and then continuing for several months. Her fiance is a great guy who will be married to HER and she's a pretty unpleasant person, so I don't see that relationship as a reason to show up. And um, your mom should be having your back, not pushing you into a potentially unpleasant situation because she has friends.
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:42 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by hollygoheavy at 1:42 PM on August 21, 2014
The friendship was semi-toxic for years.
Based on the evidence in this question and the previous one you guys have a terrible communication pattern and you should do a slow fade.
I got a handwritten letter from her in the mail saying it "hurt her feelings" when I told her I might not be able to attend the wedding, considering our long friendship, etc.
To me this seems like a fairly large gesture, to send a hand written letter in this day and age. Weddings make people CRAZY. They are huge transitions. I would suggest sticking with your work plans but writing a heartfelt letter back remembering the good times in your friendship and wishing her well on her wedding day. I would not address the fighting at the bachelorette party. She goes away feeling like you don't hate her and you can begin to execute the slow fade after the wedding without it being dramatic.
posted by edbles at 1:44 PM on August 21, 2014
Based on the evidence in this question and the previous one you guys have a terrible communication pattern and you should do a slow fade.
I got a handwritten letter from her in the mail saying it "hurt her feelings" when I told her I might not be able to attend the wedding, considering our long friendship, etc.
To me this seems like a fairly large gesture, to send a hand written letter in this day and age. Weddings make people CRAZY. They are huge transitions. I would suggest sticking with your work plans but writing a heartfelt letter back remembering the good times in your friendship and wishing her well on her wedding day. I would not address the fighting at the bachelorette party. She goes away feeling like you don't hate her and you can begin to execute the slow fade after the wedding without it being dramatic.
posted by edbles at 1:44 PM on August 21, 2014
I dunno. This depends on your history with Friend B and how much that matters to you and how much matters that you still have a relationship with the other friends assuming Friend B and you will still be a regular presence.
For some people, I see that they collect a bunch of real and perceived slights against them from a "friend" over time, and they decide that their Big Chance to finally Take A Stand and Send A Message is their decision to show up at the friend's wedding.
I guess my take on this is that the costs of not showing up to a wedding of a friend in your social circle is greater than the costs of attending, and your attendance shouldn't be handed out as a reward to people worthy of being blessed with your presence. It seems that the "default option" is to go to the wedding. If so, there's no harm in going.
posted by deanc at 1:51 PM on August 21, 2014
For some people, I see that they collect a bunch of real and perceived slights against them from a "friend" over time, and they decide that their Big Chance to finally Take A Stand and Send A Message is their decision to show up at the friend's wedding.
I guess my take on this is that the costs of not showing up to a wedding of a friend in your social circle is greater than the costs of attending, and your attendance shouldn't be handed out as a reward to people worthy of being blessed with your presence. It seems that the "default option" is to go to the wedding. If so, there's no harm in going.
posted by deanc at 1:51 PM on August 21, 2014
If you find yourself compelled to go: one of the things about weddings is that you get to personally interact with the bride and groom for about 30 seconds. So you won't have to interact with B for more than a tiny bit.
posted by sciencegeek at 1:54 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by sciencegeek at 1:54 PM on August 21, 2014
Is going to the wedding going to stretch your budget, or will you be able to stay for free with a friend or a relative for the trip? I wouldn't pay lots of money to go to this (especially since you mentioned in your earlier ask that money is tight for you), but if it were relatively cheap to do, I think it might be worth it just to see your other friends and relatives. You can always choose to take a long bathroom break during the ceremony and then enjoy hanging out with people at the reception?
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:00 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:00 PM on August 21, 2014
She sounds ghastly and you are under absolutely no obligation to ever at any time continue being kind to and patient with a person who is repeatedly cruel and terrible to you either in private or in public, whether they are friends or family.
posted by elizardbits at 2:00 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by elizardbits at 2:00 PM on August 21, 2014
But it sounds like you do want to go to support your old friend Fiance, right? I think you should go and have a fun night at her expense. She will probably ignore you, but if she starts anything just be prepared to leave and continue your fun night elsewhere.
posted by bleep at 2:03 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by bleep at 2:03 PM on August 21, 2014
I say go to the wedding. The bride and groom are basically the entertainment, so she's not going to spend any time doing anything at all to you, and you'll be able to hang out with the friends you mentioned and do all the other things you mentioned. Plus, taking the high road is never the wrong choice.
After the wedding, just fade out of her life.
posted by xingcat at 2:04 PM on August 21, 2014
After the wedding, just fade out of her life.
posted by xingcat at 2:04 PM on August 21, 2014
You could see your attendance as a farewell present to the bride - the friend you once had. Then good riddance.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by Omnomnom at 2:10 PM on August 21, 2014
I'd go and put a good attitude on about it even if I had to fake it. If you want to end the friendship then do it, but do it after the wedding drama.
posted by 26.2 at 2:12 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by 26.2 at 2:12 PM on August 21, 2014
Go to the wedding for your parents' sake--it will be awkward for them vis-a-vis their friendship with the hosts otherwise-- and because you may not want this issue to resurface at some point in the future if you rekindle your friendship with B and Fiance. Enjoy the time with your brother and mutual frieds and decide later whether to do the slow fade.
posted by carmicha at 2:21 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by carmicha at 2:21 PM on August 21, 2014
My mom, for what it's worth, says I should "suck it up and go."
So give her your invite and she can go in your stead.
posted by griphus at 2:23 PM on August 21, 2014
So give her your invite and she can go in your stead.
posted by griphus at 2:23 PM on August 21, 2014
Do you think you'd be able to contain your hurt and anger for the duration of the wedding, or is there a chance of things blowing up, if e.g. she says something nutty to you in a hallway? (Your reported self-regulation skills are impressive, but seriously, she's been a beast.)
If you could show up and hold your spleen well enough for the Big Day to smoothly, I'd bet she'd be all grateful tears and appreciation and would find herself feeling hugely apologetic after the fact, for whatever that's worth to you.
If you think either of you might find yourselves emotionally incontinent on the day, I think, either stay home, or talk about it beforehand. Either means drama, true, but there's already drama.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:40 PM on August 21, 2014
If you could show up and hold your spleen well enough for the Big Day to smoothly, I'd bet she'd be all grateful tears and appreciation and would find herself feeling hugely apologetic after the fact, for whatever that's worth to you.
If you think either of you might find yourselves emotionally incontinent on the day, I think, either stay home, or talk about it beforehand. Either means drama, true, but there's already drama.
posted by cotton dress sock at 2:40 PM on August 21, 2014
Friend B basically bullied me all weekend--mocking me openly in front of other friends, deliberately excluding me and attempting in-jokes at my expense, throwing objects at me (!!) and insulting me to my face. Candid photos of that weekend have her glaring at me. It was so bad our other friends were kind of laughing awkwardly all weekend long.
Wait, what?? This is not even remotely normal or ok.
Again, as with all my asks, I have lost sight of what's reasonable and what's not.
I can see why, it looks like all your other friends have lost sight of it too. Just for reference, if anyone I know (or anyone who any of my friends know, as far as I can get a sense for that sort of thing) who had been a good friend and good person in the past started acting like this, there would be no "laughing awkwardly." She would be taken aside and talked to, and possibly, if it continued, someone would speak to her parents or fiance about the possibility of her having a mental illness or drinking problem or something. Personally, I would have stopped talking to her a long time ago (and I might consider going to the city where the wedding is and seeing those other friends and family in their non-wedding time, without attending the wedding myself. But you sound nicer than me.) I've had friends turn into Bridezillas before. This is not normal Bridezilla or bridesmaid-zilla stuff.
Or go, but prepare for it to turn dramatic and awful, and for the fact that after the wedding she will either cease to be your friend because of some imaginary disrespect you showed her, or continue this forever. ("You're not excited about my third pregnancy/second marriage/new kitchen?!? I hate you!!")
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:42 PM on August 21, 2014
Wait, what?? This is not even remotely normal or ok.
Again, as with all my asks, I have lost sight of what's reasonable and what's not.
I can see why, it looks like all your other friends have lost sight of it too. Just for reference, if anyone I know (or anyone who any of my friends know, as far as I can get a sense for that sort of thing) who had been a good friend and good person in the past started acting like this, there would be no "laughing awkwardly." She would be taken aside and talked to, and possibly, if it continued, someone would speak to her parents or fiance about the possibility of her having a mental illness or drinking problem or something. Personally, I would have stopped talking to her a long time ago (and I might consider going to the city where the wedding is and seeing those other friends and family in their non-wedding time, without attending the wedding myself. But you sound nicer than me.) I've had friends turn into Bridezillas before. This is not normal Bridezilla or bridesmaid-zilla stuff.
Or go, but prepare for it to turn dramatic and awful, and for the fact that after the wedding she will either cease to be your friend because of some imaginary disrespect you showed her, or continue this forever. ("You're not excited about my third pregnancy/second marriage/new kitchen?!? I hate you!!")
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:42 PM on August 21, 2014
If someone threw things at me, I would not be booking costly flights to their wedding a few months later.
That said, someone's actual wedding ceremony and party, you're not going to be spending that much time with *them* and you're mostly going to be seeing peripheral people. So if you think you'll have fun with that and you feel safe about going, then sure, go.
But her recent behavior crosses the line of what is acceptable even in the context of an old friendship. You don't have to accept abuse.
posted by shattersock at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2014
That said, someone's actual wedding ceremony and party, you're not going to be spending that much time with *them* and you're mostly going to be seeing peripheral people. So if you think you'll have fun with that and you feel safe about going, then sure, go.
But her recent behavior crosses the line of what is acceptable even in the context of an old friendship. You don't have to accept abuse.
posted by shattersock at 2:49 PM on August 21, 2014
My take, for what it's worth:
1. You have good reasons to want to go (to see family and old friends)
2. She will almost certainly be too busy to pay much attention to you.
So go, if:
1. The invitation still stands (is it too late to RSVP at this point? When you tell her you're coming, does she say you're no longer welcome?)
2. You are willing to say and do the polite things you're expected to do at a wedding - congratulate her & him, tell her she looks beautiful, bring a decent gift, behave yourself in general.
3. You understand that she will probably be shitty to you anyway for the little bit that you do interact with her at the wedding and you can be ok with that as far as how you react in the moment (you give a polite response & then go do your own thing with the people you want to see.)
4. You're not going to be an emotional wreck then or later over her being shitty to you at the wedding, because you expected it going in.
5. You understand from past experience that she will find fault with your behavior in regards to her wedding no matter what you do, and you're not going to be an emotional wreck when she continues to act towards you the same way she's been acting so far.
Basically, you understand that for all intents and purposes the day is not about you. If you want to take advantage of it for your own ends, you have to go through the social niceties; and you also have to realize that you are choosing to put yourself in the position of being at the wedding of someone you have issues with, therefore you are going to have to be the one to "rise above" if you're going to go.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:54 PM on August 21, 2014
1. You have good reasons to want to go (to see family and old friends)
2. She will almost certainly be too busy to pay much attention to you.
So go, if:
1. The invitation still stands (is it too late to RSVP at this point? When you tell her you're coming, does she say you're no longer welcome?)
2. You are willing to say and do the polite things you're expected to do at a wedding - congratulate her & him, tell her she looks beautiful, bring a decent gift, behave yourself in general.
3. You understand that she will probably be shitty to you anyway for the little bit that you do interact with her at the wedding and you can be ok with that as far as how you react in the moment (you give a polite response & then go do your own thing with the people you want to see.)
4. You're not going to be an emotional wreck then or later over her being shitty to you at the wedding, because you expected it going in.
5. You understand from past experience that she will find fault with your behavior in regards to her wedding no matter what you do, and you're not going to be an emotional wreck when she continues to act towards you the same way she's been acting so far.
Basically, you understand that for all intents and purposes the day is not about you. If you want to take advantage of it for your own ends, you have to go through the social niceties; and you also have to realize that you are choosing to put yourself in the position of being at the wedding of someone you have issues with, therefore you are going to have to be the one to "rise above" if you're going to go.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:54 PM on August 21, 2014
Option 1: Stick with the work-trip excuse --- oh darn, you really really tried to change things so you could go to B's wedding, but shucks, your mean ol' boss insists..... so sorry, won't be able to make the wedding!
Option 2: Go, merely to keep the peace with your own mother, to see your brother and your friends. Spend the shortest possible amount of time at the wedding festivities (duck the reception as soon as you politely can!), and if you're giving B a wedding present (although, why?!?) make it pretty basic --- remember you can't do anything right in her eyes, and even if you spent a million dollars she'd find something to complain about (it doesn't fit, it's the wrong color, in her opinion it's tacky etc. etc. etc.).
Personally, I'd be inclined to go with Option 1, and let the chips fall where they may: so what if that means you lose this so-called friendship?!? There's already nothing worth saving, so let the past go. B being bitchy about the events surrounding A's wedding can't be excused by saying it's Bridezilla behavior: it's already gone on too long and too deeply for that excuse to keep working. B is merely showing her true colors, and it's not a pretty sight.
It doesn't make any difference that you've been friends since you were toddlers: just because two people grow up knowing each other does not mean they will automatically remain best friends forever & ever..... people change, and sometimes they just grow apart. This happens to be one of those situations.
posted by easily confused at 2:56 PM on August 21, 2014
Option 2: Go, merely to keep the peace with your own mother, to see your brother and your friends. Spend the shortest possible amount of time at the wedding festivities (duck the reception as soon as you politely can!), and if you're giving B a wedding present (although, why?!?) make it pretty basic --- remember you can't do anything right in her eyes, and even if you spent a million dollars she'd find something to complain about (it doesn't fit, it's the wrong color, in her opinion it's tacky etc. etc. etc.).
Personally, I'd be inclined to go with Option 1, and let the chips fall where they may: so what if that means you lose this so-called friendship?!? There's already nothing worth saving, so let the past go. B being bitchy about the events surrounding A's wedding can't be excused by saying it's Bridezilla behavior: it's already gone on too long and too deeply for that excuse to keep working. B is merely showing her true colors, and it's not a pretty sight.
It doesn't make any difference that you've been friends since you were toddlers: just because two people grow up knowing each other does not mean they will automatically remain best friends forever & ever..... people change, and sometimes they just grow apart. This happens to be one of those situations.
posted by easily confused at 2:56 PM on August 21, 2014
Uh....it seems like I disagree with most posters but I think you should go. Given this is a long friendship, albeit very toxic, I actually think it is in your absolute best interest to go. If you don't it will come across as if you are making a statement (which you are). A wedding day is her day.
Also, it will appear selfish to her friends who you like. It would take a very very close friend to understand this and you are risking ruining those friendships.
Enjoy the evening - catch up with friends, and prevent further fall out that will damage you. After the wedding, minimize contact and in the unlikely event the bride wants to hang out with you just say you are busy.
posted by pando11 at 3:15 PM on August 21, 2014
Also, it will appear selfish to her friends who you like. It would take a very very close friend to understand this and you are risking ruining those friendships.
Enjoy the evening - catch up with friends, and prevent further fall out that will damage you. After the wedding, minimize contact and in the unlikely event the bride wants to hang out with you just say you are busy.
posted by pando11 at 3:15 PM on August 21, 2014
Skip the drama, this sounds terrible! She's a bully, and people are bullying you into spending more time and money to be bullied? Naaah. Don't go—send a wonderful gift from their registry, write a gushy letter about how much they and their friendship means to you. Then you can faade gracefully out.
posted by mimi at 3:29 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by mimi at 3:29 PM on August 21, 2014
I went to one wedding like this (as far as I was concerned, it was the swan song for a friendship that had been toxic for a while, and I was “honouring” what we had had), and it was dreadful. Predictably, some shit went down, I was tense all the time, could not really enjoy my other friends there, and my budget took a serious hit for no good reason other than me feeling very uncomfortable for 24 hours far away from home. It created some bad memories that precluded the kind of fading into bitter-sweet nostalgia that accompanied other lapsed friendships.
I don’t think you should feel like a whiny kid when I complain about the bullying. The way you describe B’s interaction with you during A’s party seems really rather awful, and you would have been well within the bounds of reason to make it clear to B (post party weekend) that until she pulls herself together and ditches her hostility, you will not be able to associate with her any more. Her reactions and actions since then, however, suggest that she banks on you being cowed into playing nice and submissive, and I think it shows good judgment that you are refusing to go along with that. But I am also not surprised that you find it hard to validate your own judgment, what with your mom saying you should "suck it up and go." It feels sad that you are not supported when someone is treating you with so much disrespect.
Please take the decision that makes most sense to YOU, not your mum or others. With regard to your relationship with the groom: from now on, he will be pretty much a unit with B; your relationship with B’s husband will inevitably take a hit unless you decide for yourself that you are OK with B being a jerk to you as long as that allows you to keep contact with her husband.
All told, I wouldn’t’ go, but I think what you get out of it depends on temperament. Personally, I am also currently quite annoyed with people who are comparatively better off becoming all aggressive and judgmental when a poorer friend or relative can’t keep up with the program, as if struggling to make ends meet (at least not the same way as they are) needs some extra punishment.
The only way I would go is if you can absolutely afford it and would enjoy the visit even if you have to leave celebrations after 5 minutes (no one should openly be a jerk to you just because it is “their day”).
posted by miorita at 3:32 PM on August 21, 2014
I don’t think you should feel like a whiny kid when I complain about the bullying. The way you describe B’s interaction with you during A’s party seems really rather awful, and you would have been well within the bounds of reason to make it clear to B (post party weekend) that until she pulls herself together and ditches her hostility, you will not be able to associate with her any more. Her reactions and actions since then, however, suggest that she banks on you being cowed into playing nice and submissive, and I think it shows good judgment that you are refusing to go along with that. But I am also not surprised that you find it hard to validate your own judgment, what with your mom saying you should "suck it up and go." It feels sad that you are not supported when someone is treating you with so much disrespect.
Please take the decision that makes most sense to YOU, not your mum or others. With regard to your relationship with the groom: from now on, he will be pretty much a unit with B; your relationship with B’s husband will inevitably take a hit unless you decide for yourself that you are OK with B being a jerk to you as long as that allows you to keep contact with her husband.
All told, I wouldn’t’ go, but I think what you get out of it depends on temperament. Personally, I am also currently quite annoyed with people who are comparatively better off becoming all aggressive and judgmental when a poorer friend or relative can’t keep up with the program, as if struggling to make ends meet (at least not the same way as they are) needs some extra punishment.
The only way I would go is if you can absolutely afford it and would enjoy the visit even if you have to leave celebrations after 5 minutes (no one should openly be a jerk to you just because it is “their day”).
posted by miorita at 3:32 PM on August 21, 2014
I told you not to go on the bachelorette weekend and you went anyway. Did you enjoy it? Was it money well spent? What makes you think this would be any different?
I'm telling you again, skip the wedding. You'll have other opportunities to see those folks at other times, when you're relaxed and happy.
As for B, oh well. This 'friendship' doesn't really work for you any more. Let it go. Also, think about the fiance. He's not really your friend if he's marrying someone who is so childish and awful to you, so he can fade from your life too.
If it's a travel thing, enjoy the fact that you're saving money and time by not going.
As you get older, sometimes you let go of friendships that work no longer. This is one of those. Let your parents negotiate their relationships with the other parents. Not your circus, not your monkey.
Send your regrets via their invitation and leave it at that!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:35 PM on August 21, 2014
I'm telling you again, skip the wedding. You'll have other opportunities to see those folks at other times, when you're relaxed and happy.
As for B, oh well. This 'friendship' doesn't really work for you any more. Let it go. Also, think about the fiance. He's not really your friend if he's marrying someone who is so childish and awful to you, so he can fade from your life too.
If it's a travel thing, enjoy the fact that you're saving money and time by not going.
As you get older, sometimes you let go of friendships that work no longer. This is one of those. Let your parents negotiate their relationships with the other parents. Not your circus, not your monkey.
Send your regrets via their invitation and leave it at that!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:35 PM on August 21, 2014
If I were in your position, I'd be patting myself on the back for "stayin' classay" in the face of all this bullshit. I believe my mother would say, "Her behavior is unforgiveable. Go to the wedding, and then let the relationship fade away." I'd ask her because she's got a long friendship with the bride's mother.
I'd have firmly in my mind all my good reasons for going, and I'd remind myself repeatedly. You can have fun and contribute to your friends' good time. The groom will benefit because he won't have to hear his new wife obsessing about how you didn't go. He'll also be glad you came. Your mother and her friend will be spared having to endure any drama having to do with your not showing up. You'll get points from almost everyone who knows what's going on.
At all weddings I've been to, I've spent zero time with the bride other than in the receiving line. I completely understand that you're loath to celebrate this awful "friend," and that whole idea would sicken me, too. But you're not going in order to celebrate her. Wish the groom well, give him a heartfelt hug. If someone mentions anything about "the troubles," just change the subject.
posted by wryly at 3:40 PM on August 21, 2014
I'd have firmly in my mind all my good reasons for going, and I'd remind myself repeatedly. You can have fun and contribute to your friends' good time. The groom will benefit because he won't have to hear his new wife obsessing about how you didn't go. He'll also be glad you came. Your mother and her friend will be spared having to endure any drama having to do with your not showing up. You'll get points from almost everyone who knows what's going on.
At all weddings I've been to, I've spent zero time with the bride other than in the receiving line. I completely understand that you're loath to celebrate this awful "friend," and that whole idea would sicken me, too. But you're not going in order to celebrate her. Wish the groom well, give him a heartfelt hug. If someone mentions anything about "the troubles," just change the subject.
posted by wryly at 3:40 PM on August 21, 2014
Friend B from this post is getting married next month, and I don't want to go.
Then don't go. B is clearly being an awful person. Perhaps she wasn't before, earlier in your relationship, but she is now. Don't spend time with awful people.
B's fiance doesn't need your support. Plenty of their other friends will be at the wedding, and they likely won't even notice that you are not there.
Book a trip at a later date to see your family and old friends, on your own terms without the presence of jerks who insult, bully and belittle you.
Your mother doesn't get a vote. This isn't about her. You have a work trip, too bad, so sad.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:23 PM on August 21, 2014
Then don't go. B is clearly being an awful person. Perhaps she wasn't before, earlier in your relationship, but she is now. Don't spend time with awful people.
B's fiance doesn't need your support. Plenty of their other friends will be at the wedding, and they likely won't even notice that you are not there.
Book a trip at a later date to see your family and old friends, on your own terms without the presence of jerks who insult, bully and belittle you.
Your mother doesn't get a vote. This isn't about her. You have a work trip, too bad, so sad.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:23 PM on August 21, 2014
Use the trip as a family visit, and treat the wedding as a side trip where you get to dress up, eat expensive fancy food paid for by somebody else, and dance with all your friends. Wish B well, smile your biggest smile and don't give her the satisfaction of bitching for years about how you didn't go to her wedding.
posted by essexjan at 4:46 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by essexjan at 4:46 PM on August 21, 2014
If you decide to skip the wedding, send them a thoughtful handwritten card to congratulate them both and highlight the good parts of the time you've all known each other. Wedding skipped, bridge unburnt.
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:11 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by Pallas Athena at 5:11 PM on August 21, 2014
Go. See your bro, your parents, your old friends. Smile. After the wedding, try communicating with her and see where it goes. Then decide to either continue being buds or slow fade.
posted by 724A at 5:27 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by 724A at 5:27 PM on August 21, 2014
I would not have wanted anyone at my wedding who wasn't happy for me and who wouldn't want to support me and my marriage in the years to come. You don't want to be the thing making her wedding day awkward. Yes, this all may be her fault, but if her day is weird because you're there, then that's on you.
posted by shesbookish at 6:01 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by shesbookish at 6:01 PM on August 21, 2014
Just as a heads-up, "how's your thesis coming?" is not a great thing to ask in the spirit of being friendly. It's akin to asking someone how their job hunt is coming along, how they're doing on their diet, etc. Unless the answer is definitively "Awesome!!! Results!!!" it stings to be asked, even by close friends... and seems almost hostile from anyone less close. That is why your "friend" tapered off talking with you that day.
But you are forgiven for asking, and have my permission to ask her that again at her wedding, which you should definitely go to. The best revenge is living well, so go and enjoy yourself with all your friends at her wedding. Then slow fade.
posted by lizbunny at 6:05 PM on August 21, 2014
But you are forgiven for asking, and have my permission to ask her that again at her wedding, which you should definitely go to. The best revenge is living well, so go and enjoy yourself with all your friends at her wedding. Then slow fade.
posted by lizbunny at 6:05 PM on August 21, 2014
We give you permission not to go.
Get a massage and eat your favorite dessert that weekend instead.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:06 PM on August 21, 2014
Get a massage and eat your favorite dessert that weekend instead.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:06 PM on August 21, 2014
I'd make a socially plausible excuse (work! dammit!) and skip it, with a clear conscience.
posted by Sebmojo at 6:43 PM on August 21, 2014
posted by Sebmojo at 6:43 PM on August 21, 2014
Sound like that is the day you should have a really bad cold.
posted by Cranberry at 12:06 AM on August 22, 2014
posted by Cranberry at 12:06 AM on August 22, 2014
If it will cost you money that you cannot afford to attend this toxic person's wedding, do not go.
Are you able to respond to any rude statements from her with dignity? Perhaps by looking her in the eye and ASKING SOFTLY: "What do you mean by that dear?" And then quickly distract her attention with a complement or engage another person into the conversation with her. Be skillful!
If you can do that, and then tell her truthfully, and with a straight face, that you only came to her wedding to give her all your best wishes, then by all means go.
The point is, always take the high road, and do not lie. Tell the truth with kindness and courage. Be the person you want to admire. Yes this person is toxic and this will hopefully be the last time you will ever see her. But people in your life and your friends attending the wedding will know how you handled this situation and they will respect you for it. And you will respect yourself.
Isn't this why you asked this question in the first place? You are conflicted because you want to deal with this toxic person and keep your self respect. I sense you feel that avoiding the wedding entirely will not solve the problem. Perhaps you are correct, perhaps not.
Only you can decide whether to go to this wedding or not. Many people here have suggested not to go. Certainly you have no obligation to go to the wedding of a person who has treated you so badly. I would have cut off the "friendship" far sooner. You have tolerated much more than anyone should in my opinion. But what is done is done. In my opinion you should only go if you can act honorably under the circumstances I suggested above. Otherwise, send your regrets and an inexpensive gift, and never look back, and don't explain yourself to anyone ever.
If anyone asks why you didn't go, your only answer should be: "I wish I could have gone, but it just didn't work out." If anyone presses for details, your answer should be: "That's all I want to say."... and then, if you have an idiot on you hands, shake your head and say: "EXCUSE ME?" (Unless it's your mother, then just hug her tightly and tell her you just can't say.)
posted by old_man_in_the_cave at 12:33 AM on August 22, 2014
Are you able to respond to any rude statements from her with dignity? Perhaps by looking her in the eye and ASKING SOFTLY: "What do you mean by that dear?" And then quickly distract her attention with a complement or engage another person into the conversation with her. Be skillful!
If you can do that, and then tell her truthfully, and with a straight face, that you only came to her wedding to give her all your best wishes, then by all means go.
The point is, always take the high road, and do not lie. Tell the truth with kindness and courage. Be the person you want to admire. Yes this person is toxic and this will hopefully be the last time you will ever see her. But people in your life and your friends attending the wedding will know how you handled this situation and they will respect you for it. And you will respect yourself.
Isn't this why you asked this question in the first place? You are conflicted because you want to deal with this toxic person and keep your self respect. I sense you feel that avoiding the wedding entirely will not solve the problem. Perhaps you are correct, perhaps not.
Only you can decide whether to go to this wedding or not. Many people here have suggested not to go. Certainly you have no obligation to go to the wedding of a person who has treated you so badly. I would have cut off the "friendship" far sooner. You have tolerated much more than anyone should in my opinion. But what is done is done. In my opinion you should only go if you can act honorably under the circumstances I suggested above. Otherwise, send your regrets and an inexpensive gift, and never look back, and don't explain yourself to anyone ever.
If anyone asks why you didn't go, your only answer should be: "I wish I could have gone, but it just didn't work out." If anyone presses for details, your answer should be: "That's all I want to say."... and then, if you have an idiot on you hands, shake your head and say: "EXCUSE ME?" (Unless it's your mother, then just hug her tightly and tell her you just can't say.)
posted by old_man_in_the_cave at 12:33 AM on August 22, 2014
I think what it ultimately boils down to is whether you're interested in salvaging the friendship. If you are, I would suggest going. You don't even have to interact with her that much, maybe some shallow pleasantries, and you can just focus on spending your time with the people you actually want to spend time with. If you don't go, she will probably remember that down the line and not be inclined to forgive you for it.
But if you think this friendship is toast or you're not into reviving it, don't go and don't even bother communicating with her about it. I believe it would be an act of self-care not to go, both finance/time-wise and mental health-wise. You don't need to keep toxic people in your life, and just because you've known her since you were toddlers doesn't mean you have to keep her around.
posted by cosmicbeast at 7:24 AM on August 22, 2014
But if you think this friendship is toast or you're not into reviving it, don't go and don't even bother communicating with her about it. I believe it would be an act of self-care not to go, both finance/time-wise and mental health-wise. You don't need to keep toxic people in your life, and just because you've known her since you were toddlers doesn't mean you have to keep her around.
posted by cosmicbeast at 7:24 AM on August 22, 2014
I'd say for you to go, see your friends, other loved ones ... but not at the wedding. Catch up with them separately afterwards.
But that might not be the most prudent, nor the nicest behaviour. Just putting it out there I guess ...
posted by chris88 at 10:17 PM on August 24, 2014
But that might not be the most prudent, nor the nicest behaviour. Just putting it out there I guess ...
posted by chris88 at 10:17 PM on August 24, 2014
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I'd stay home, relax, and catch up with friends later. It doesn't seem worth it to deal with this toxic friend, no matter how busy she might be as the bride. You're better off without her, and although it would suck to not catch up with old friends, at least you're spared the inevitable awkwardness that's going to happen, no matter what.
posted by PearlRose at 1:24 PM on August 21, 2014