The "how" and the "who first"
July 3, 2014 8:02 PM Subscribe
While my concerns about divorcing my spouse are numerous, there are two in particular that I could really use some advice on.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I'll just dive right in: I'm ~30 years old, no kids, and after several frustrating years of marriage to my first husband, I'm going to tell him I'm moving out.
The consensus among people who know me well (parents, friends, coworkers, etc.) is that I'm generally a reserved, cool-headed, conflict-averse person. My husband's personality is the polar opposite: he's excitable, emotional, extremely quick to anger, and although he's not violent, he certainly doesn't hesitate to use tone and volume in a conflict to intimidate the other party into submitting to his will.
If that's what I can expect, how do I tell him I don't want to be married to him anymore? Has anyone reading ever said "I want a divorce" to someone with anger management issues? What did you say, and how did it turn out?
What happens after I tell him is complicated by the fact that we work for the same company. We work in different departments, but they both fall under the same umbrella-organization within the company. Our supervisors are different and we almost never see each other. However, he outranks me professionally, and we do have a lot of mutual coworkers.
I had a conversation with HR yesterday about the safety of my job if we separate. The response I got was that hiring, pay, and termination decisions have nothing to do with what goes on in an employee's personal life, so neither of our jobs would be in danger if we split (although it may be uncomfortable enough that one of us-- probably me-- will leave voluntarily).
I kind of want to talk to my supervisor about all this in advance. Above all else, THE THING I care about in this situation is my financial stability. I need to keep this job at least until I have another offer, which could take months. Ideally, we'd just learn to coexist-- I really like my job, and I don't want to change positions, but I also don't want this situation to create or prolong an uncomfortable work environment, and I have a feeling that "ideally" isn't gonna happen.
So in which order should I do this: tell the boss, then tell the scary husband? Or husband first, then the boss? Can my husband have me fired? Can two people work together like this for just a handful of months?
Thanks in advance for your advice.