What do you do about a deep loneliness?
January 22, 2014 6:15 PM Subscribe
I am struggling to kick the feeling that I am walking through the world alone in the ultimate sense.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total) 65 users marked this as a favorite
I am lucky in that I have job that I like, and that I feel like I do well in and I wouldn't want another career because it's what I really want to do. I am prone to sadness sometimes so I do things that are recommended to ward off depression like exercising and meditating and I have hobbies and artistic interests that I like. Objectively my life is pretty good. I am trying really hard but I don't completely know how to be happier. I have had a hard time this January and sometimes I feel deeply alone. I have lots of acquaintances who I have a nice time with and some friends but I feel like all of my inner circle people who I used to count on and confide in and would laugh at my jokes even if they weren't funny are no longer there. My mom died of cancer 6 years ago and I broke up with the guy I was with from 18-28 who was kind of my life ally. One of the things that I think tipped off my sadness or added to it is he recently bought a house and celebrated a first anniversary with his new girlfriend and I had a sense of his life marching on without me (even though it was right for us to break up and it happened the right way.) My grandmother was the other person who I could used to talk to and was there for me but she has Alzheimer's. It's still nice to spend time with her but it's all giving and caring and not any being cared for which makes sense given how things are. I don't have any best friends from high school or college. I have a nice family (aunt, uncle, cousins and brother live pretty nearby). There's a certain formality between us though. I feel like I don't belong to anyone and I am not sure who I would call if something terrible happened. Is this fixable or a part of the existential dilemma to reckon with? I keep thinking back to the Thomas Wolfe poem at the beginning of Look Homeward, Angel about a stone, a leaf, an unfound door and how everyone is born alone and dies alone essentially, and I don't know if aloneness is just a certain aspect of life to contend with or if I can fix it. In the past I've felt a lot of connectedness through spirituality and it's given me the feeling that all the random people I meet are somehow on the same team as me. I don't feel that way right now though.