The Date From Hell?

October 14, 2005 9:52 AM

What does it mean when a man shows an anal sex video on the first date?

My husband's co-worker, Mary, is 39 and anxious to get married and have kids. She recently accepted an invitation from Tom to have dinner at his house. He was grilling outside and "for her pleasure" popped in an X-rated video that concentrated on oral sex. When Tom returned, he sat down with her and watched the tape. Whwn she finally got up enough nerve to complain about the tape, he unwrapped a brand new tape of the anal sex variety. She felt very uncomfortable but said nothing. The rest of the evening was anti-climactic, and they shook hands good night.

Mary is claiming that this wasn't a date and Tom is just her friend. My husband says this most definitely was a date and Mary should let Tom know she is not interested in him romantically before accepting any more invitations. I think she should not accept any more invitations, period, as Tom is exhibiting hostility towards her.

How would you interpret his actions?

posted by Secret Life of Gravy to human relations (103 comments total)

This was not a date. The words to describe what it was are not coming to me.... if she thinks he's her friend, she is ocmpletely batshitinsane.
posted by tristeza at 9:55 AM on October 14, 2005

How would you interpret his actions?

Uh I am going to go with "weirdo lunatic." Tell Mary to run run run.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:57 AM on October 14, 2005

It's love!

I mean, the guy's a jerk and she should dump him immediately.

Showing any porn at all on a first date, unless they met through porn-lover personals, is really tacky, and "oh you're uncomfortable with oral porn--how 'bout some anal porn?" is incredibly insensitive.
posted by kirkaracha at 9:57 AM on October 14, 2005

Stay away from Tom.
posted by OmieWise at 9:57 AM on October 14, 2005

Mary is 39

She felt very uncomfortable but said nothing

Whoa. This is crazy! How did she reach the age of 39 and have so little assertiveness?! That's a very weird scenario, and I would have been out of there. No one needs to be so desperate that she'll sit through totally inappropriate behavior without giving her consent .
posted by Miko at 10:00 AM on October 14, 2005

Holy crow, that's messed up.

My guess would be that Tom is a little off, when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Perhaps this is the only way he can express himself, with the hopes of finding a compatible partner.

I'd think that if she wants to remain his friend, she shouldn't socialize with him in a one-on-one setting. Hang out with other mutual friends.

Heading to his house for another dinner might simply encourage him, unless they have a very direct conversation beforehand.
posted by o2b at 10:01 AM on October 14, 2005

didn't typing that question make you think,
...uh, wait, he did - what, exactly, again?

I understand when you know people, you can start thinking fucked up stuff is normal, but when you describe it to strangers, usually you notice, actually, that's, kinda, fucked up.
posted by mdn at 10:05 AM on October 14, 2005

I'd say it meant he was interested in sharing long, romantic walks on the beach with her.

Come on. It means the guy's a crass pervo who should be avoided like the plague for all eternity.
posted by Decani at 10:05 AM on October 14, 2005

I'd think that if she wants to remain his friend, she shouldn't socialize with him in a one-on-one setting. Hang out with other mutual friends.

I'd think that anyone with a lick of sense would stay far away from a passive-aggressive perv with skulls in his refrigerator.

Look: that is not healthy behavior. Porn is fine and dandy and all, but to pop a tape in - especially anal porn, for Christ's sake - at the beginning of a first date is so mind-bogglingly inappropriate that I can only imagine the shit he'd be into once they got to know each other. If she wants to have get married and have kids, this is not the guy. I mean, this is pretty fucking self-explanatory, right?
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:07 AM on October 14, 2005

Wow. Wow. Run.
posted by Hildago at 10:07 AM on October 14, 2005

kick tom in the nuts and run away. i'm VERY disturbed. what a creep.
posted by grafholic at 10:09 AM on October 14, 2005

This guy is about as sane as Travis, I think... (Taxi Driver)
posted by knave at 10:09 AM on October 14, 2005

It was a date as far as Tom was concerned. He probably thought Mary, being 39 and alone, was really, really horny, and, being really, really horny himself, thought he'd set the wheels in motion for a night of mutual release, except he used an extremely socially stunted manner of accomplishing it.

Tom obviously doesn't understand women. I would bet most of what he knows about them came from watching porn.
posted by MegoSteve at 10:09 AM on October 14, 2005

I don't see Tom as hostile, just incredibly clueless or from some other planet where porn on the first date may be considered normal. Of course, if Mary was uncomfortable in any way other than "He's going to kill me if I say anything that upsets him" uncomfortable, she really should have drawn the line at any more porno movies and/or left the guy's house. If Tom is so clueless that he thinks this sort of behavior is appropriate, Mary's silence and/or not leaving might have sent him messages that he intepreted as "This is okay with me." I'm not excusing his behavior, just that when someone is acting that far outside of normal behaviors, expecting them to pick up on signals that are not explicit may be asking too much.

That said, in my universe anal sex tapes do not cross a line that would not have already been crossed with oral sex tapes. Sex tapes generally are not first date fodder unless it's a situation like the one kirkaracha describes.

If Tom is a friend he's a bad friend. If he was a potential date then this episode should push him right out of "potential" category.
posted by jessamyn at 10:11 AM on October 14, 2005

That is the most insane bad first date story I've ever heard.

Mary should stay away from Tom. Refuse all invitations. And if she really has guts, she should tell him that on future dates with other ladies, he might want to keep the porn under wraps for the first few dates, at least.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:13 AM on October 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning."
posted by bonehead at 10:14 AM on October 14, 2005

Sure he's a bit forward for the first date; straight shooters like Tom often have rough edges. But he's upfront about his interests and hobbies and was clearly hoping that he and Mary could find some common thread to build a lasting relationship on. And in that adorable boyish oops-I-goofed way, he just went over the top. Can't blame a guy for getting a bit ahead of himself.

It's pretty clear that Mary's crowd is overprotective of her. Folks should step the eff off and let her find her own way.
posted by nearlife at 10:16 AM on October 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

didn't typing that question make you think,
...uh, wait, he did - what, exactly, again?

posted by mdn at 10:05 AM PST

Oh I assure you that when I heard this story from my husband my immediate reaction was "!!!!!!!!" My husband also thought of Travis Bickle. But the two of us thought just possibly we were over reacting since Mary apparently wasn't too concerned.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 10:17 AM on October 14, 2005

Wow - That's the sort of thing I would expect out of an awkward 18-yr-old (or younger) in his first dealings with girls, and even then it would warrant a very stern chat. Anyone 30+ who breaks out the porn vids without an established relationship history as preamble is seriously dysfunctional.

It is clear that Mary is not on the same page as Tom, to the extent she is neither comfortable watching hardcore porn with him, nor interested in having hardcore sex with him (That's the only agenda he could possibly have in showing those tapes, other than to drive her away). Under no circumstances should Mary permit Tom any further contact with her, neither alone nor with any size group. I would keep any other women, children, or pets away from him as well. He's messed in the head in a way that could very easily be very dangerous.
posted by BigLankyBastard at 10:17 AM on October 14, 2005

But he's upfront about his interests and hobbies and was clearly hoping that he and Mary could find some common thread to build a lasting relationship on.

Well, if he wanted to be upfront about it, he could have told/asked Mary if she'd mind him putting in a porn video. That would have been the polite and sane thing to do.

And tom should know certain people are uncomfortable watching porn. I mean, would he go to work and pop in his porn video during lunch time in front of his coworkers? probably not.
posted by grafholic at 10:24 AM on October 14, 2005

Knave beat me to it. This guy is insane.
posted by bondcliff at 10:25 AM on October 14, 2005

Remember that scene in Taxi Driver where Travis takes Iris to a porn movie for their first date? Paul Schrader based that character on Tom. Mary should make like Iris and tell him, in not so many words, "I already have that Kris Kristofferson record." Then, Mary should run.
posted by dobbs at 10:26 AM on October 14, 2005

And I thought I had some crappy (hee!) first dates....
posted by discokitty at 10:27 AM on October 14, 2005

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! What a freak. Flee!
posted by Scoo at 10:27 AM on October 14, 2005

I'm wondering why either you or Mary even have to ask this question - isn't it obvious? Just cause a woman's ovaries are ticking doesn't mean they have to put up with this shit. Look elsewhere.
posted by Pressed Rat at 10:38 AM on October 14, 2005

How would you interpret his actions?

Well, if I were me and a hung out with a girl who put in a porn tape like that I would be very confused, because it's a very strange thing to do. I would assume that they probably want to have sex with me, but there are some people for whom viewing porn is a social thing. It can happen. But in a 1-on-1 mixed gender situation I think it definitely means that the person putting in the tape wants sex to happen.

Oh I assure you that when I heard this story from my husband my immediate reaction was "!!!!!!!!" My husband also thought of Travis Bickle. But the two of us thought just possibly we were over reacting since Mary apparently wasn't too concerned.

The fact that Mary isn't to concern is at odds with how shocking the story is by default, without knowing too much about Mary or Tom. If Mary and Tom are friend's maybe Mary said something to him to make him think that she might like that sort of thing. Like "I like such and such type of porn." Without knowing more about the Two, I have know Idea.

What kind of woman is Mary? Is she attractive? Overweight? I hope I don't offend anyone but in my experience less attractive women put up with far more from guys in general.

He's messed in the head in a way that could very easily be very dangerous.

Please. This sentiment is way over the top. While the story is shocking on its own, without knowing the people involved you can't really make any kind of judgment like that.
posted by delmoi at 10:38 AM on October 14, 2005

Mary may be accepting of his behavior because she is somewhat desperate and believes "beggars can't be choosers." Maybe she thinks that this is the best she can get? Also, the fact that she didn't express her disapproval right away tells me that she has a hard time standing up for herself, further showing her low self-esteem.

It's ridiculous to try and guess at Tom's intent, as we can't get in his head. Mary, however, needs to stand up for herself and tell him that behavior is unacceptable, whether on a first date or a casual get-together between friends. She should probably cut off all one-on-one contact with him. If Tom balks, she can simply repeat that his behavior was inappropriate and offended her and then cease all contact.

I kind of liken this to guys on the internet who send out IMs to random women with the hope of getting something (cybersex? real sex? no clue). Except that Tom has moved from the pseudo-anonymous internet world to the real, physical one. I believe that leap makes his behavior more suspect and possibly dangerous, and it's up to Mary to tell him that she was offended by his behavior. She doesn't have to stand up for all women, just herself. But if it helps, i don't think she'd be in the wrong by saying most women would be offended if a man they knew casually put on a porno tape in that situation.
posted by sarahnade at 10:40 AM on October 14, 2005

What does it mean when a man shows an anal sex video on the first date?

Tom is an awesome specimen and should be granted God status.

Jesus Christ, are people seriously debating whether this is appropriate? Perhaps on date 2 Tom can hang his cock out for display and show her his collection of ball-gags, and maybe Mary can demurely comment on their shiny, pretty contours and the cleanliness of Tom's dungeon and then go home and ask her friends if maybe Tom is just a wee bit odd, because most folks are still in the dark about normal behaviour until at least fifty. Shit, the other day I had to check the web to find out if I should grab my postal carriers ass for a job well done.
posted by docpops at 10:40 AM on October 14, 2005

Thank god she didn't complain about the anal sex tape - I wonder which genre was up next.
posted by fire&wings at 10:42 AM on October 14, 2005

Oh, holy crap. I suggest we form a posse and go check Tom's basement for spare body parts.
posted by Soliloquy at 10:48 AM on October 14, 2005

Y'know, when I was really young, like, 10 or 11, I had this briefcase. It was a briefcase with a lock. So I'm 10, right, and I find some porn by a freeway. And I took that porn home, some cheezy mid-80s magazine with big hair and a woman who sorta looked like an alien. Anyway, I took that porn home and I put it in my briefcase. Then I locked that briefcase and hid it under the bed. Sometimes I would open it up and say "Wow, there's porn in here!" 'cos, y'know, kids are like that, right?

I guess what I'm saying is that my porn briefcase is sorta like Tom. All you need to do is find the right combination to open him up, and there'll be all sorts of treasure inside. Porn treasure.
posted by cmonkey at 10:50 AM on October 14, 2005 [2 favorites]

Maybe Tom was just testing Mary's assertiveness?
posted by mullacc at 10:55 AM on October 14, 2005

This reminds me a bit of a very excellent movie written and directed by Tom Noonan and starring Karen Silas which never got as much play as I thought it should. What Happened Was... In the movie the female character is the strange one, although not hostile or anything. There isn't exactly porn involved, but there was Karen Silas who's hot.
posted by OmieWise at 10:55 AM on October 14, 2005

Besides everything that has already been said, the question states Mary wants very much "to get married and have kids". Given Tom's clearly announced sexual preferences, pregnancy would be very difficult.

Seriously, this is very wierd - I even wonder if it is not a fake question, put here just for fun.
posted by nkyad at 10:56 AM on October 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

the two of us thought just possibly we were over reacting since Mary apparently wasn't too concerned.

See, this is where it gets interesting. Playing the devil's advocate here, I'm not convinced your friend Mary is being completely honest with you. She claims she "got up the nerve" to complain about the oral sex tape, then did nothing when the anal tape replaced it. She's speculating about his behavior with her friends, yet she isn't "too concerned." Mary may be just as clueless about proper social behavior as Tom is, or maybe she's indicated to him at some point in the past that's she a dirty porn-loving freak, something she's not willing to admit to you.

I don't think SLoG is faking the question, but I think Mary may not be as uncomfortable with Tom's behavior as we might expect, and her questions to friends are somewhat disingenuous.
posted by junkbox at 11:04 AM on October 14, 2005

I don't think there's anything to support the conclusion that the guy is dangerous, he just clearly didn't get the memo entitled "Shit Not to Do Around People You Don't Know That Well". I don't think it's really hostile, either, just incredibly misguided. Mary sounds weird, in that she's still calling Tom a friend of hers after he showed her a sampling of his porn collection, whereas most people (in this thread at least) think that she shouldn't have any more contact with Tom.

I think if Mary (for whatever strange reason) feels the need to maintain a friendship with Tom, then she should most definitely tell him, "Tom, WTF. Why are you showing your porn collection to me? That shit ain't right." Failure to do this might be seen as a backhanded approval of the events of that evening.

But yeah, what she should really do is just stay away from him.
posted by 23skidoo at 11:07 AM on October 14, 2005

What does it mean? It means Tom likes hardcore pornography and has absolutely no sense of what's appropriate behavior.
posted by electroboy at 11:08 AM on October 14, 2005

But the two of us thought just possibly we were over reacting since Mary apparently wasn't too concerned.

oh - so is the discomfort something you're assuming or something she claimed? If she's cool with it, maybe they have their own understanding or whatever?
posted by mdn at 11:10 AM on October 14, 2005

What a pair. He has no sense of boundaries and she has no ability to set them. Tom probably figured it was a match made in heaven.
posted by stefanie at 11:11 AM on October 14, 2005

Yes, he could be a Travis Bickle, but has anyone considered the possibility that he might be a conniving George Costanza?
posted by tfmm at 11:11 AM on October 14, 2005

The rest of the evening was anti-climactic

Actually, this is the part I'm interested in. Did they go on to eat dinner? (Who the hell could eat steak after this?) What did they talk about? Did she leave right after dinner? If not, what happened then?

And just to chime in with everyone else, my interpretation of his actions is that he wants her to know he'd like to have sex with her (I can't bear to use their names since those are also my parents' names), and that his sexual interests are, er, widespread. And therefore I would call this a date, albeit a very strange one. I wouldn't advise having anything more to do with the guy at all, but I agree that we don't really have enough details, like where they met or how they know one another, to make that call for her.
posted by JanetLand at 11:14 AM on October 14, 2005

Mary is more screwed up than she's letting on, or perhaps she's lying to you. Maybe both.

Tom, meanwhile, is probably borderline psychotic because he's been living in his own weird world his whole life. I mean, come on, the guy has no reference to reality.

...assuming, mind you, that anything in this story is true. I have my suspicions that they're not, and that Mary is playing some weird game.
posted by aramaic at 11:27 AM on October 14, 2005

What kind of woman is Mary? Is she attractive? Overweight?

Ugh. I only know her through my husband and when he gets up in about 30 minutes I will have him take a look at this. But here is what I know:

Mary is attractive and husband Dave says she has a good figure.
Mary makes a good living and even has a nice little inheritance.
Tom is 300 lbs plus.
Mary and Tom are co-workers with my husband.
Mary doesn't date outside her race (which is a minority) and Tom is of her race.
Mary is religious and sings in her church choir.
Mary was not very forthcoming about the rest of the date, however they did eat and they didn't have sex and Mary is still convinced that Tom is her friend.
Mary is generous to a fault. Although she did not attend our wedding and only knows my husband through work, she gave us a gift certificate for $50.00 and recently gave my husband a $30.00 movie ticket voucher for his birthday.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 11:37 AM on October 14, 2005

WTF Mary?!

Run, Mary, run.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:50 AM on October 14, 2005

This thread is totally hilarious and has made my day. That said, I'm with the majority, but I think somebody - you? God, for your sake, I hope not - is going to have to sit down with Mary and explain gently, in words of one syllable, that no, this is not normal first date behavior and yes, Tom is a stone freak from hell and while they can still be friends, they should probably confine that to work unless she, Mary, is much more interested in anal sex than we know. Because Tom has made his fantasies intentions clear, and I doubt somehow that they mesh with Mary's life plans.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:02 PM on October 14, 2005

Thank god she didn't complain about the anal sex tape - I wonder which genre was up next

Hilarious. I've been laughing out loud since halfway through the comments. Great answers.

I find it odd that someone would expect their date to sit alone on a sofa, watching something (ok, oral and anal sex) on TV, while they were outside grilling dinner. You'd think he'd pour them some wine and invite her to come out on the patio/terrace/deck while he grilled, so that they could chat.

But then again he's a whack job, so who knows.
posted by iconomy at 12:17 PM on October 14, 2005

Not that that was the only thing I found odd (not by a long...um...shot), but I did want to mention that specifically.
posted by iconomy at 12:18 PM on October 14, 2005

I'm having a terrible time imagining this woman not leaving while the first tape is still playing!
posted by alumshubby at 12:23 PM on October 14, 2005

This thread is totally hilarious and has made my day.

Amen to that. I took it more seriously until it was revealed that "Mary apparently wasn't too concerned." Well, if she wasn't concerned, why should we be? Maybe she'll get into the sex tapes after a few more dates. Tom isn't a serial killer, he's just clueless, but he's a unique snowflake like everybody else and maybe he's just what Mary needs. Rock on, Tom and Mary! And SLoG, please keep us updated!
posted by languagehat at 12:24 PM on October 14, 2005

On the bright side, most first dates aren't nearly so open about their predilections.
posted by I Love Tacos at 12:27 PM on October 14, 2005

Sounds like two people with profoundly different standards for relating to people. I can imagine that if you're socially retarded and porn addicted you might try to forge common ground by sharing your enthusiasms. Or in other words, say hi with a gaper vid.

That's an extremely direct message about what he wants from her. "Friends," with lube. What kind of common ground could they find, anyway, between the choir loft and the No Holes Barred aisle at Nutbuster Video?
posted by sacre_bleu at 12:27 PM on October 14, 2005

What does it mean when a man shows an anal sex video on the first date?

Is this a trick question?

Also, do people still buy "porn videos" in the year of our lord 2005?
posted by naxosaxur at 12:28 PM on October 14, 2005

I agree with languagehat, love is in the air -- let those kids live their lives happily ever after. you're all being too, ahem, anal
posted by matteo at 12:31 PM on October 14, 2005

For the benefit of Tom and Mary, before our guests arrive, if she hasn't seen "Anal Intruders" it's gonna blow her mind.
posted by wakko at 12:32 PM on October 14, 2005

Man, the only way I'd ever do this is if I wanted a woman who seemed to be obsessing and desperate to totally write me off her "might marry" list.

"Not so much into the blowjobs, huh? Well, how about you watch some anal, and then we'll have pizza. Aww, where are you going? He's totally going to shoot his wad in her eye in a minute! Whatever. See you at work."
Then I'd call my friends and laugh. But that only really works if she wants to fuck you and is also a bitch that you'd want to have nothing to do with ever again.
posted by klangklangston at 12:50 PM on October 14, 2005

The fact that she stayed long enough for the second feature tells me that Tom must be a really good cook.
posted by tizzie at 12:51 PM on October 14, 2005

MetaFilter: to check the web to find out if I should grab my postal carrier's ass for a job well done.

God I love this board. The 300 lbs + is the icing on the cake here, if you AskMe.

Even Travis Bickle wouldn't have put in a second tape after the first one was complained about... would he?
posted by Aknaton at 1:07 PM on October 14, 2005

Maybe Tom was intentionally fucking with her head. If not, though, that's some strange appetizer he offered. I mean, before dinner?
posted by me3dia at 1:27 PM on October 14, 2005

I swear I cackled loudly when I read this. Twice. First when I read what this socially-challenged guy did. Second when I read that this woman is having trouble interpreting his actions.

The verdict is in: Tom is a member of Homo Sapiens Doofus.

Mary, run like you had to audition for a Nike advert.
posted by madman at 1:34 PM on October 14, 2005

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Stay away from Tom.
posted by mrbill at 1:34 PM on October 14, 2005

After reading some more about Mary and Tom in the above post, I'd say there is also Something About Mary. My guess is that some other inapropriate/embarrassing incident happened between them that night, sometime between the lighting of the grill and the handshake, and Mary invented this wild porno lie (which lets face it, tests one faith in fellow man) to try and either explain something away, or shame Tom into silence.

iconomy makes a great point - her sitting there watching porn while he calmly grills dinner in the yard - whistling to himself perhaps. It's incredible! I can imagine writing a great short film based on this. Interior monologues as he narrates his cooking technique while she sits in numb puzzlement questioning her entire life up til this point in front of ANAL DRILLEUR 2. Followed up by an "anti climactic" night and a hand shake goodbye.
posted by fire&wings at 1:37 PM on October 14, 2005

For the benefit of Tom and Mary, before our guests arrive, if she hasn't seen "Anal Intruders" it's gonna blow her mind.
posted by wakko at 12:32 PM PST on October 14

*Raises glass to wakko*
Sir, you read my mind.
posted by ColdChef at 1:40 PM on October 14, 2005

I think your husband has to take Tom out for a few drinks and get his side of the story. It's only fair. Then, when this question comes up again, we'll know better how to answer it.
posted by hellbient at 1:41 PM on October 14, 2005

The rest of the evening was anti-climactic, and they shook hands good night.

Don't. Shake. That. Hand.
posted by ColdChef at 1:42 PM on October 14, 2005

"Maybe Tom was just testing Mary's assertiveness?"
"Maybe Tom was intentionally fucking with her head.

Neither of which really reccommend him as a friend or lover.
posted by Good Brain at 1:57 PM on October 14, 2005

True, Good Brain. I wasn't trying to imply that he was a keeper.
posted by me3dia at 2:07 PM on October 14, 2005

I have known people who put on porno in the background in casual social situations, as I might put on Sufjan Stevens. It is weird as heck to me, but totally normal to them. Granted, I've never encountered this in a "date" sort of setting, and that's darned weird in its own right, but the fact is that some people have very, very casual relationships with porn and the public display/sharing thereof.
posted by cortex at 2:11 PM on October 14, 2005

Remember how Benjamin Braddock, desperate not to be involved with Elaine because of his illicit affair with her mother, took Elaine to a twirly-titty stripper bar so as to blatantly offend her? Well, I have only one thing to say about that.

Plastics.
posted by brownpau at 2:14 PM on October 14, 2005

You people are suckers. This post is farce.
posted by xmutex at 2:16 PM on October 14, 2005

Wait, that's not how you're supposed to behave on dates?
posted by substrate at 2:23 PM on October 14, 2005

Maybe Tom's tapes are all mislabelled.
"Shit, the box said '8 1/2,' not 'Satyricon'!"
posted by klangklangston at 2:23 PM on October 14, 2005

I am reminded of a Kids in the Hall scene where the husband is showing one scene in Deliverance over and over to his wife.
posted by stevil at 2:23 PM on October 14, 2005

I think your husband has to take Tom out for a few drinks and get his side of the story.

Oh, god, how we need to hear the other side of the story. Because the more I think about this, the more I'm weirded out by Mary. She's as much a freak as Tom is.

I want "And Now... You Know the Rest of the Story."
posted by five fresh fish at 2:26 PM on October 14, 2005

You people are suckers. This post is farce.
posted by xmutex at 2:16 PM PST on October 14 [!]

Even if it is, it's damn amusing. I want to believe.
posted by COBRA! at 2:27 PM on October 14, 2005

.
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:44 PM on October 14, 2005

Update/clarification:

This happened a few months ago and Mary only just thought to tell husband Dave (Oh by the way...did I ever tell you....) She still claims nothing happened, but that "dinner was really good." Also Dave wants to add that Tom and Mary commonly exchange DVDs. He gets bootleg stuff all the time and she buys it from him. So there was a movie connection but we are not sure if Porn movies were being swapped.

I asked him point blank, if Mary is so pretty and so nice why isn't she married? To which Dave replied that she has a tendency to go out with guys who don't want to get married.

And this is real. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:07 PM on October 14, 2005

iconomy makes a great point - her sitting there watching porn while he calmly grills dinner in the yard - whistling to himself perhaps. It's incredible! I can imagine writing a great short film based on this.

Indeed, I could imagine writing a short story about these people, even moreso after the explanatory follow-up. I copied and pasted the question into my "writing inspiration" file.

My first thought was Taxi Driver, but now it's starting to sound more like something out of Happiness by Todd Solondz.

I have known people who put on porno in the background in casual social situations, as I might put on Sufjan Stevens.

What if you got Sufjan to score a porn film? Now that would be exciting.
posted by ludwig_van at 3:10 PM on October 14, 2005

Two more things I should add:

Dave is positive Mary is not lying about the evening in any respect. She really was uncomfortable with the porn but she did stay and eat and feels that the evening was not a big deal.

And sorry, I did my best, but Dave refuses to get Tom's side of the story. I begged, but Dave is shy about personal stuff and he says this is supposed to be a secret.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:23 PM on October 14, 2005

If this happened months ago, then it's kind of too late to say "I never ever want to be around you again because you showed me porno's months ago." If Mary thinks this many months later that she and Tom are friends, well, good luck to her.
posted by LadyBonita at 3:40 PM on October 14, 2005

ludwig_van: Indeed, I could imagine writing a short story about these people, even moreso after the explanatory follow-up. I copied and pasted the question into my "writing inspiration" file.

You and me both. For this thread's follow-up, I propose all interested writers post their stories/scripts/etc.
posted by scody at 4:03 PM on October 14, 2005

Tom wants to have sex with Mary and doesn't know how to express himself, so is trying to get the porn videos to do this for him. Porn is fine, anal sex is fine, but in their place. Someone who doesn't understand relatively harmless boundaries like these may step over others like, say, sex with kids or something. It's unlikely, but it's kind of what taboos are for: harmless lines that can be stepped over when appropriate, but only then, showing others that you are respectful of others' feelings and that, at least, you know where social/behavioral boundaries lie.

But yeah, he thought it was a date, and maybe figured that since they were already friends and she came to his apartment, he might as well jump on the opportunity as best he could. His sactions would signal to me "desperate and potential rapist" and I'd get out of there as quickly as possible.

I don't see how this guy will benefit her in any way. She could do waaaay better and shouldn't waste any more time on him, especially since he obviously thinks there's something in it for him beyond simple friendship. She can think of it this way: she might disappoint him now by not being his friend, but his time will be free to pursue other people who might be more receptive.
posted by lorrer at 4:06 PM on October 14, 2005

Mary may be a bizarely naive doormat.

Or, her existing relationship with Tom is more than she's saying/ she's not as uncomfortable with this porn as she's letting on and she's looking for an excuse to discuss her relationship with Tom.
posted by desuetude at 4:10 PM on October 14, 2005

This guy Tom is either bold as F, mentally retarded, autistic/schizophrenic/sociopathic, or an amnesiac. Maybe he has chronic memory loss and forgot who Mary was, and thought maybe he met her on a sex hook-up site, and therefore thought she would be totally into it. LOL, absurd I realize, but what other rational explanation could explain his behavior? I've seen too many episodes of Days of Our Lives.
posted by roan22 at 4:19 PM on October 14, 2005

Tom's just playing the odds. Go out on enough dates and pull the 'ol "blowjobs/anal porn" routine, and eventually you'll find someone that responds favorably. It doesn't have to work all the time, or even some of the time. But once you find that woman it does work with, you're aaaaall set.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:23 PM on October 14, 2005

C_D: I like your thinking. On metachat, I described Tom's dating-style as "high risk / high reward."
posted by mullacc at 4:35 PM on October 14, 2005

It's unconventional enough that most of the "common sense" reactions aren't really all that likely to be correct. I can think of a few possible interpretations. Most of them not really good, but whatever. Without knowing a whole lot more about "Tom" there's no way anyone here can possibly know what he was thinking.

But I would guess most likely he's just one of those people who considers that sort of thing perfectly normal. It's not really all that unusual. Although I'm no fan of anal sex videos, I'd say the unprovoked showing of them to visitors for no particular reason is sort of on the same level of weirdness as, say, building a Tesla coil in the basement. Mostly harmless, as long as there's no intent to use it to build a super-weapon to take over the world...
posted by sfenders at 4:37 PM on October 14, 2005

tizzie wins: "The fact that she stayed long enough for the second feature tells me that Tom must be a really good cook."
posted by Cranberry at 4:40 PM on October 14, 2005

No insult to Gravy, but I find phrasing the question "What does it mean when a man shows an anal sex video on the first date" extremely amusing.

Because, of course, there was nothing weird about showing any other sort of porn video.
posted by luneray at 4:59 PM on October 14, 2005

Will someone please volunteer to go out on a blind date with Tom so we can confirm or deny this story?

Somebody who's not me?
posted by Marnie at 5:06 PM on October 14, 2005

These two lovebirds are straight out of a Carol Shields novel. Five years from now I'll be reading a novel/short story that'll be ever so slightly familiar. Eventually I'll remember this metafilter post. And I'll start laughing all over again.
posted by ceri richard at 5:12 PM on October 14, 2005

Dave is positive Mary is not lying about the evening in any respect.
Tom wants to have sex with Mary and doesn't know how to express himself.

OK, this is starting to sound like a logic puzzle.

Dave has either sheepdogs or alpacas.
No one who has alpacas can have sex with Mary.
Tom is allergic to vicunas.
Fred has had threesomes with Tom...
posted by languagehat at 5:28 PM on October 14, 2005 [1 favorite]

Just wanted to throw my hat in the "Tom is very weird and maladjusted, but not dangerous" crowd. I think he was honestly trying to relate to Mary through their core connection (DVD's). I also think Mary may not necessarily be so porn-averse. The situation is still a bit unclear to me- was she uncomfortable with porn being shown at all or just in that milieu?
posted by mkultra at 6:30 PM on October 14, 2005

Tom is from Mars.
Mary is from Venus.
Who wants the Uranus joke?
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:33 PM on October 14, 2005

Maybe Mary's a closetted lesbian. Not to imply that all women who aren't immediately turned on by blowjob/anal porn on a first date are lesbians, but dating men who she can't marry is a good way of denying that she doesn't really want a man to begin with. Tom should show her some lesbian porn and see if that turns her on.
posted by klangklangston at 6:39 PM on October 14, 2005

Do people still refuse to "date outside [their] race" in 2005? One thing I like about this part of Louisville is all the "race- mixing" going on, including blond women with "mulatto" children -- contrary to the more expected and historically entrenched pattern of white men impregnating black women. I note this because when I was growing up in Baltimore white "enforcers" would still beat a black man half to death for being caught dating a white woman (and she would be stigmatized as a "low-down whore"), while here these days there are apparently a lot of on-going "transracial" pairings resulting in steady families. (And that's just black-white "mixing": there're plenty of other kinds, but they don't happen so often here because here it's still pretty much a black-&-white world.) I myself find that the color of a woman's skin is not the deciding factor in whether to "date" her or not.

About the main topic of this thread, hey, I'm pleased that there is one thing I know not to do. Well, okay, two: I quit handing out my poetry a while back. (Those who have trouble with the structure of my prose can imagine what my output must be like when I try to be "artistic" about it.)
posted by davy at 8:15 PM on October 14, 2005

I probably should not comment, but I know someone this happened to. Every warning in this thread is true in spades.

davy: >
posted by dhartung at 11:22 PM on October 14, 2005

Maybe he's The Dice Man?
posted by TheDonF at 4:32 AM on October 15, 2005

dhartung, maybe the "inter-racial" dating patterns were long different in Baltimore vs. other places. I think that the commonness of Confederate flag bumper stickers in Baltimore has something to do with it; I don't recall seeing nearly as many of those things in Chicago or Boston, for example.

I did know of one one black woman + white man marriage in Baltimore when I was growing up in the 1970s but they were Bahais who lived in the then-new Rouse project called Columbia, and I still wonder how the white Methodist preacher and his black wife get along in my late Grandma's "White Only" neighborhood (I think they got married in the late '80s). But I doubt that would be as "offensive" as a white woman + black man pairing, "protecting white womanhood" being very important there.

But anyway. I never liked anal porn very much myself, and I think bukkake is icky.
posted by davy at 9:08 AM on October 15, 2005

davy, I lived in East Baltimore - Highlandtown, hon - for most of the late 80s and the 90s. There were lots and lots of interracial pairings - usually white female/black male - and even more interracial kids after the pairings ended. I thought it was kind of interesting that it seemed to be primarily a lower socio-economic class phenomenon, i.e., common in East Baltimore, but not in North, when you would think that the opposite would be true, but it certainly didn't seem to bother anyone.
posted by mygothlaundry at 9:28 AM on October 15, 2005

As we say in Scotland that guy's a fucking bampot. Avoid crazy Tom.

I do think that it may be one of the funniest AskMefi question titles in ages though.

And there was me thinking about the minefield of whether or not to eat spaghetti on a first date.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 10:14 AM on October 15, 2005

For the record, I now have a new scenario for when a date goes badly and I find myself trying to think of ways that it could have been worse. *shudder*
posted by honeydew at 1:20 AM on October 17, 2005

So Tom is bold and in-your-face with sex. Yeah, he's clueless about what most people want in a relationship. But he gets to ask for what he wants. So everyone calling him a perv is a little disingenous, when a lot of folks might want to do that eventually. Restraining from watching porn on a first date does not qualify for sainthood. Also, watching porn on a first date does not qualify for demonization.

Having said that: Her job is to hightail it out of there as fast as she can, if she's not into that stuff. If she really doesn't like it, then she needs to assert herself. Heck, she could have asserted herself the moment he started the first tape. She has as much right to say what she wants as he does. She might want to ask the question of herself, "What does her timid behavior say about how her self-opinion?" She would do well to care for herself enough to demand what she likes and not submit to Tom.
posted by tamills at 10:05 AM on October 18, 2005

I'm confused. This whole thing is obviously Mary's fault and Tom is the clear victim. The fact that she'd toy with him like this and then joke about it to co-workers is even worse.

The only reason she's not married is that it would limit her ability to make men her emotional slaves.

Tom obviously has self esteem issues, and is being used by this bitch for her own twisted head games.
posted by y6y6y6 at 7:51 AM on October 20, 2005