Help me find hope that things will get better
December 28, 2013 11:13 AM Subscribe
Things just keep getting worse and I don't know what to do. Please see extended explanation.
posted by kbbbo to Health & Fitness (14 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Help me find hope that things will get better.
I know that Metafilter is no substitute for medical attention, let me just state that right off the bat. I am addressing things with therapist/doctors and well (with not much success). I have read similar threads in the past.
I will try to make this as succinct as possible. I have been depressed/anxious/ocd for as long as I can remember (even before I was sophisticated enough to understand what it was). Both of my parents had some of these issues, so I don't know if there is a genetic predisposition or learned behavior aspect to it (is that even relevant?). I slogged along until around until about 5 years ago. I entered into a new relationship with a woman with a child leaving her husband. He was very abusive and this caused much stress. Around the same time my Father (who I worked with at the time) was diagnosed with Multiple Myloma cancer. I was so stressed that I saw a therapist for the fist time in my life. I was so anxious/ocd that they obviously recommend medication. I was very resistant. Out of sheer desperation I relented about 6 months later and started the meds. Throughout the next few years I was on Zoloft, Luvox, Prozac and Wellbutrin as well as other drugs (SSRIs, stimulants). I also saw numerous therapists. None of them could really help me. My Father died as well as my Uncle and another family friend. Finally when I was on 5 different drugs and the doctors just kept adding drugs ("you are tired, take this. It keeps you awake? Take this before bed.). I decided to get off. I wasn't any less depressed on them. I was so tired that I was falling asleep at stop lights. I was having other side effects and was worried about the long term effects of these drugs. That was about 1 year ago.
This year wasn't as bad as I thought it would be off of them. I was still suffering but not a wreck for the most part. I moved (which was very stressful) into an unfinished house during the summer, which is my busy season (I work in a stressful seasonal business). When work slowed down and I was settled at home, I looked forward to things finally slowing down, being settled and focusing on the future. I also spent the entire year getting expensive bloodwork done and seeing a ton of doctors to address health issues. The main thing was the fatigue which did improve once I got off the meds for a while. The Doctors would give me a suggestion and the next doctor would completely refute/contradict the previous doctor. I have spent thousands this year. I am still struggling to find a good doctor and a simple approach. Even the mental health professionals can't agree. I have ocd/adhd/ocpd/bipolar2/dystymia/gad. I have tried to correct the major deficiencies (d, b12, etc). I am trying to eat better and cut out as much alcohol , caffeine and junk as possible.
I am so overwhelmed and constantly working on stuff. I don't even know how to relax. I definitely do worse in the winter as far as depression.
A few months ago I started getting bad panic attacks/depressive episodes. I would get really nervous and couldn't breathe and that would freak me out even more. I would then start sobbing. I haven't cried in 15 years - even when my Father passed. This happened at least half a dozen times. I am now scared of going into that space and that fear itself causes problems. I tried to find a correlation when this happened. I think that they started around when I found out that my Brother met a girl that lives in South Carolina. My Brother lives with me and my mother in NY. He is my best friend and I count on him immeasurably. This coupled with the fact that my Mother is very sad about this just adds to the stress/sadness. Her husband is dead. Her brother is dead. She has no interest in seeing someone and doesn't have much of a social life. He is going down again soon. He doesn't know for sure, but I am convinced he will be moving down there permanently. All of my Family has either died or moved away.
I saw a psychiatrist about possibly going on meds again and he suggested Pristiq. I am very resistant to trying this given my past experience with these meds. This is an SNRI which I have not tried before. I have just heard such horror stories about these meds and don't trust these doctors/the medical community. They want to medicate everyone and don't understand these drugs. This doctor does genetic testing and other stuff so it seems like it is more rooted in reason than just "try this, try that". I am worried because of past side effects and long term effects. The other warnings make me nervous too - check blood pressure often and monitor liver. He suggested Pristiq before doing any further testing because it always ends up being suggested/tolerated well by the testing. Getting off meds was so difficult and made me sick (brain zaps, nausea, worsening depression). I am gun shy to start them again because as bad as I feel , I don't want to feel worse. I decided to start the Deplin and wait on the meds. I am not anti meds, but am arriving at this decision weighing the pros/cons.
Christmas Eve my Mother's friend died unexpectedly and we had to put our 15 year old cat down out of the blue the day after Christmas. I never imagined the extent that that would upset me. My Brother is leaving again today for South Carolina. I am surrounded by sadness and awfulness. Everyone is dying or leaving. I am so depressed and anxious that I want to die. I would never commit suicide so instead I suffer. I don't enjoy anything and just want to be asleep. I can't even enjoy sleep anymore because I have bad dreams and keep waking up and being anxious. My brain starts going and I can't get back to sleep.
I am still with my Girlfriend. Our relationship has been tested the last couple of years. I have been such a wreck coupled with my obsession with my health and all my problems that she has really pulled back. We have gotten to the point where I moved my stuff from her house and we just see each other on the weekends and I started staying with my Mother again. I used to stay with her during the week. She says that she still loves me (we have been engaged for years) but is confused about us. We haven't had sex in months. We don't have any spark or chemistry any more. We don't kiss often or show much affection. She has her own problems and is depressed too. We communicate well. I have suggested couples therapy but perhaps I need to heal first. I don't wanna push too hard. It used to be so effortless. I just don't know how to be around her right now. I want desperately to be able to come together and get through this stuff together, but I feel like she needs space and I make her anxious. It isn't just me though. She has issues too. I just don't know what to do. I have told her (badgered) repeatedly about not staying with me if she doesn't want me anymore. I don't want her to stay because it is easier/her relationship with my family/she feels sorry for me.
I am so exhausted. I am at the point where I feel that neither I nor things will ever get better. No one can seem to help me and I have been fighting and seeing drs for YEARS. There is nothing more depressing than not having hope. Everything and everyone around me is falling apart. I can't even help them because I can't help myself. I don't even know how to proceed with anything. I feel like I can't talk to my girlfriend or family about anything because it doesn't do anything other than agitate them. I can't even get on an even keel, let alone focus on my future - getting married, living with my girlfriend and living life. I hate my job and there are a million other things I want to do in my life but I can't conquer this.