Awkward neighbor
November 22, 2013 2:18 PM Subscribe
My neighbor attempted to ask me out today. I'm not interested. How do I keep things from being awkward while living here for another year and a half?
I live in a building with 30/40 units. I have a neighbor "Matt" who I have run into every now and then while entering/exiting the building. (I'm on 2nd floor, he's on 1st floor). He seems nice and we've had some short, polite, friendly interactions -- but nothing I thought went beyond being nice to the neighbor. Today I was going downstairs to put laundry in the dryer, and he was walking in the building. I said hi and kept going, but he followed me to the top of the stairs and struck up convo, asking if I live with my boyfriend (I live with a guy who is not my boyfriend). I said no, and he proceeded to tell me how he was wondering because he'd been on my floor and heard weird noises, basically like someone jacking off, but painful and weird. I was polite, said see you later, and went downstairs to the laundry room. A couple minutes later, he followed and came down to ask if I had a boyfriend. My response was "no, and not dating, too busy with school." Which led to awkward convo and him sort of asking me out and me deflecting, blah blah. It ended with him saying if i ever wanted to hang and watch a movie or needed anything or whatever to knock on his door.
So this guy is perfectly nice, but I was weirded out my the subject he approached me with and the fact that he followed me to the basement. I would not have been interested anyhow. I plan on living here, with my roommate, until May 2015. What do I do if neighbor tries to ask me out again? I would like polite, neighborly interactions and nothing more. I don't want to lie and say I suddenly have a boyfriend (though perhaps I should have done that in the first place). Is it wrong to just say "thanks for the invitation" and let his interest fizzle out on its own?
I live in a building with 30/40 units. I have a neighbor "Matt" who I have run into every now and then while entering/exiting the building. (I'm on 2nd floor, he's on 1st floor). He seems nice and we've had some short, polite, friendly interactions -- but nothing I thought went beyond being nice to the neighbor. Today I was going downstairs to put laundry in the dryer, and he was walking in the building. I said hi and kept going, but he followed me to the top of the stairs and struck up convo, asking if I live with my boyfriend (I live with a guy who is not my boyfriend). I said no, and he proceeded to tell me how he was wondering because he'd been on my floor and heard weird noises, basically like someone jacking off, but painful and weird. I was polite, said see you later, and went downstairs to the laundry room. A couple minutes later, he followed and came down to ask if I had a boyfriend. My response was "no, and not dating, too busy with school." Which led to awkward convo and him sort of asking me out and me deflecting, blah blah. It ended with him saying if i ever wanted to hang and watch a movie or needed anything or whatever to knock on his door.
So this guy is perfectly nice, but I was weirded out my the subject he approached me with and the fact that he followed me to the basement. I would not have been interested anyhow. I plan on living here, with my roommate, until May 2015. What do I do if neighbor tries to ask me out again? I would like polite, neighborly interactions and nothing more. I don't want to lie and say I suddenly have a boyfriend (though perhaps I should have done that in the first place). Is it wrong to just say "thanks for the invitation" and let his interest fizzle out on its own?
And giving him distant nods that fizzle into lack of acknowledgement is fine.
If he asks you out again, firmly say you're not interested. Be cold if you have to. These kinds of guys don't have any sense of how not to be creepy.
posted by discopolo at 2:24 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
If he asks you out again, firmly say you're not interested. Be cold if you have to. These kinds of guys don't have any sense of how not to be creepy.
posted by discopolo at 2:24 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If he asks you out again, you need to be direct about this. Just say "Matt, that's very flattering, but I am not interested in dating you." No made up boyfriend, no "too busy," just "I am not interested in dating you." Period, end of discussion.
Right now it seems like awkward guy being awkward. There's no reason to think this will ever come up again. But if it does, that's how you need to handle it. Be very clear. (That way, if he tries a third time, you can punt him right into creeperville.) This situation will be much easier to navigate if you are very direct and leave no wiggle room for him to interpret some hidden meaning.
"I am not interested in dating you." Boom. Done.
posted by phunniemee at 2:25 PM on November 22, 2013 [21 favorites]
Right now it seems like awkward guy being awkward. There's no reason to think this will ever come up again. But if it does, that's how you need to handle it. Be very clear. (That way, if he tries a third time, you can punt him right into creeperville.) This situation will be much easier to navigate if you are very direct and leave no wiggle room for him to interpret some hidden meaning.
"I am not interested in dating you." Boom. Done.
posted by phunniemee at 2:25 PM on November 22, 2013 [21 favorites]
Best answer: He's not perfectly nice, he's kind of creepy and has a weird sense of boundaries and first impressions. Say you're not interested if he asks again. There is no abiding social contract which requires you to be consistently polite to weird creepers.
posted by elizardbits at 2:25 PM on November 22, 2013 [41 favorites]
posted by elizardbits at 2:25 PM on November 22, 2013 [41 favorites]
This guy sounds like a total creepo who doesn't understand social cues or what's acceptable. I'd be afraid you give a guy like that an inch, he thinks you're offering a yard. I'd avoid any interactions personally. This guy thinks normal, polite interactions between acquaintances are more than they are. I would try to not acknowledge he's even around and I wouldn't make eye contact. If forced to speak, keep it curt, keep trying to walk away and do not smile. That's what I'd do. I'm not sure what staying friendly with the guy matters. It seems like that is the probably -- he has no boundaries. Be the opposite of friendly.
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by AppleTurnover at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Is it wrong to just say "thanks for the invitation" and let his interest fizzle out on its own?
You are allowed to say whatever you need to say in order to feel safe and comfortable in your home. White lies are fine. "Thanks but no thanks" is fine. "Go away and never talk to me again" is fine. You are under no obligation to tell him the truth or to be nice to him.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
You are allowed to say whatever you need to say in order to feel safe and comfortable in your home. White lies are fine. "Thanks but no thanks" is fine. "Go away and never talk to me again" is fine. You are under no obligation to tell him the truth or to be nice to him.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 2:26 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
So this guy is perfectly nice
Oh my goodness. No he isn't. This:
he proceeded to tell me how he was wondering because he'd been on my floor and heard weird noises, basically like someone jacking off, but painful and weird
Is not normal and would scare me. I mean, I thought you were going to say your neighbor asked if you'd like to go on a date but you said no and now you feel awkward and I was thinking you should be friendly but not encourage him. But after reading your actual question... I'd say avoid him if at all possible, when you run into him be very short/cold with him, though not outright rude, and don't hesitate to employ your male roommate as a "bodyguard", if he is ok with that.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:27 PM on November 22, 2013 [13 favorites]
Oh my goodness. No he isn't. This:
he proceeded to tell me how he was wondering because he'd been on my floor and heard weird noises, basically like someone jacking off, but painful and weird
Is not normal and would scare me. I mean, I thought you were going to say your neighbor asked if you'd like to go on a date but you said no and now you feel awkward and I was thinking you should be friendly but not encourage him. But after reading your actual question... I'd say avoid him if at all possible, when you run into him be very short/cold with him, though not outright rude, and don't hesitate to employ your male roommate as a "bodyguard", if he is ok with that.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 2:27 PM on November 22, 2013 [13 favorites]
Like someone jacking off? But painful?
That is an utterly bizarre way to initiate contact with you.
Ice this dude out something fierce. Don't even talk to him. Not even polite, neighborly interactions. The creep potential is off the charts here.
posted by jayder at 2:35 PM on November 22, 2013 [11 favorites]
That is an utterly bizarre way to initiate contact with you.
Ice this dude out something fierce. Don't even talk to him. Not even polite, neighborly interactions. The creep potential is off the charts here.
posted by jayder at 2:35 PM on November 22, 2013 [11 favorites]
The only reasons why he should have been on your floor was if the super/manager lives there or if he's friends with a neighbor on it.
The only reason why he should have gone into the laundry room was if he was doing his own.
Asking if you have a boyfriend is rude.
Nthing everyone who says avoid....and move if you can.
posted by brujita at 2:41 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
The only reason why he should have gone into the laundry room was if he was doing his own.
Asking if you have a boyfriend is rude.
Nthing everyone who says avoid....and move if you can.
posted by brujita at 2:41 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: From your description, I can't tell if he is weird, awkward, nervous, or creepy. However, your instinct seems to be triggering you to stay away from him, and isn't that all you need to know?
Trust your gut.
posted by Shouraku at 2:48 PM on November 22, 2013 [10 favorites]
Trust your gut.
posted by Shouraku at 2:48 PM on November 22, 2013 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Nthing if he asks you again, tell him directly, without hedging, and looking him in the eye: "I already told you I don't have a boyfriend, but that seriously is irrelevant. I'm just not interested in dating you." No need to explain yourself as to why.
The other stuff is a little weird, but it doesn't raise the red flags as high for me, primarily because I've found that in my apartment building, for example, the long-time residents treat the whole building (including floors that are not their own, the stairwells, and the basement) as well as the whole block as their home. The boundaries aren't the same as they are for newcomers like me who go in the front door, straight to my floor, and into my apartment. Although I'm learning to linger on the stoop too. Anyway--
Are there unmentioned cultural differences at play here too?
Regardless, it is always appropriate to state your mind about what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable. You do not have to avoid drawing boundaries in the service of being polite. It is more polite to be truthful than not, especially in situations like this. If you don't want him to follow you around the building, I think it is perfectly okay to tell him not to follow you because it squicks you out--that the way you grew up that is really weird.
He'll probably apologize. Treat him as a person who can understand direct communication. In my experience, relying on "hints" in situations like this never work, but being explicitly clear and truthful about what you think often does.
If he still insists on being around, the more aggressive, "DUDE BACK OFF" is an excellent back-pocket retort as well.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 3:01 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
The other stuff is a little weird, but it doesn't raise the red flags as high for me, primarily because I've found that in my apartment building, for example, the long-time residents treat the whole building (including floors that are not their own, the stairwells, and the basement) as well as the whole block as their home. The boundaries aren't the same as they are for newcomers like me who go in the front door, straight to my floor, and into my apartment. Although I'm learning to linger on the stoop too. Anyway--
Are there unmentioned cultural differences at play here too?
Regardless, it is always appropriate to state your mind about what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable. You do not have to avoid drawing boundaries in the service of being polite. It is more polite to be truthful than not, especially in situations like this. If you don't want him to follow you around the building, I think it is perfectly okay to tell him not to follow you because it squicks you out--that the way you grew up that is really weird.
He'll probably apologize. Treat him as a person who can understand direct communication. In my experience, relying on "hints" in situations like this never work, but being explicitly clear and truthful about what you think often does.
If he still insists on being around, the more aggressive, "DUDE BACK OFF" is an excellent back-pocket retort as well.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 3:01 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
(This isn't a perfectly nice guy.)
The only way I can think of having less awkwardness around this guy (for me) would be to say something to the effect of "Dude, did you seriously try to ask me out by leading with 'I hear someone jacking off'? Don't ever do that again. And the answer is NO, Permanently." Eye roll. Walk away.
But only if you can pull it off. You kind of have to imagine you're a jock, surrounded by the popular kids, saying it to a dweeb. (Sorry! That's the only way I can think to describe it. There's a confidence there that communicates 'I don't take you seriously, and THATS doing you a favor.)
But you get to handle this any way you want.
Another option (for me) would be to have my male roommate say something similar but end with "Dude. Back-off."
I'm a feminist and yet I'm not opposed to having the message delivered in a language Mr. Inappropriate understands.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:01 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
The only way I can think of having less awkwardness around this guy (for me) would be to say something to the effect of "Dude, did you seriously try to ask me out by leading with 'I hear someone jacking off'? Don't ever do that again. And the answer is NO, Permanently." Eye roll. Walk away.
But only if you can pull it off. You kind of have to imagine you're a jock, surrounded by the popular kids, saying it to a dweeb. (Sorry! That's the only way I can think to describe it. There's a confidence there that communicates 'I don't take you seriously, and THATS doing you a favor.)
But you get to handle this any way you want.
Another option (for me) would be to have my male roommate say something similar but end with "Dude. Back-off."
I'm a feminist and yet I'm not opposed to having the message delivered in a language Mr. Inappropriate understands.
posted by vitabellosi at 3:01 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
The fact that he followed you up to the second floor, asking if you live with a boyfriend because of the painful jacking-off sounds, and then followed you down to the basement to ask if you had a boyfriend at all after the conversation ended... that's just setting off alarm bells in my mind. Why was he listening to what is happening on the second floor, or by your door? I really would not even give this guy the time of day at all. And if you feel unsafe at any point, alert your landlord. Warn your roommate too.
Like I said, being nice or polite to this guy is not going to help the awkwardness and in fact, it seemed to spur this from him to begin with. Stop being nice and polite to him. (And I am not saying it's your fault whatsoever. I'm saying this guy doesn't understand normal human interaction.)
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:02 PM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Like I said, being nice or polite to this guy is not going to help the awkwardness and in fact, it seemed to spur this from him to begin with. Stop being nice and polite to him. (And I am not saying it's your fault whatsoever. I'm saying this guy doesn't understand normal human interaction.)
posted by AppleTurnover at 3:02 PM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
It is entirely impolite and unneighborly to talk about hearing sex noises coming from a person's apartment--especially when he has no reason to be near her apartment, and even more especially so when he follows up those comments by following the person into the basement and asking her out.
Asking how to be polite and neighborly with this guy is like asking how to effectively communicate with someone who is in a screaming rage: you can't. You can be civil, but you need to protect yourself. You can't be neighborly. This guy doesn't understand appropriate neighborly conversation.
I'd suggest you either tell him directly, "I was really uncomfortable with our conversation the other day. I'm not interested in dating you or hanging out together," or be civil yet cold (an unsmiling hello passing in the hall, no conversation). Whatever works better and feels safer for you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:08 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Asking how to be polite and neighborly with this guy is like asking how to effectively communicate with someone who is in a screaming rage: you can't. You can be civil, but you need to protect yourself. You can't be neighborly. This guy doesn't understand appropriate neighborly conversation.
I'd suggest you either tell him directly, "I was really uncomfortable with our conversation the other day. I'm not interested in dating you or hanging out together," or be civil yet cold (an unsmiling hello passing in the hall, no conversation). Whatever works better and feels safer for you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 3:08 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I would make it clear to him the next time you speak to him that you found your previous conversation inappropriate, you do not want him speaking to you again, and that you have documented your interaction with him.
You want to make sure this freak knows that people know a) he is a freak and b) if anything happens to you, people know to suspect him first.
Seriously this is so off the wall freakish my very first move would be to make sure he knows that people are watching him if he makes any other attempts to interact with you.
posted by winna at 3:28 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
You want to make sure this freak knows that people know a) he is a freak and b) if anything happens to you, people know to suspect him first.
Seriously this is so off the wall freakish my very first move would be to make sure he knows that people are watching him if he makes any other attempts to interact with you.
posted by winna at 3:28 PM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
Avoid like a creepy plague. A perfect nice guy might ask you out and stammer and fumble it but wouldn't be this creepy about being regular awkward.
If he asks again, a firm and polite "No, I'm not interested" is appropriate.
It sounds like you were pretty clearly disinterested in though (well, to a normal person). If he does ask you again, I think you should inform your property manager, in writing, that you are experiencing unwelcomed advances by another tenant. I say this because my state recently passed a law requiring landlords to cancel leases without penalty for tenants who experienced harassment, stalking or domestic violence. However, you have to have a paper trail from here to Oregon, so get it started in case it becomes a very handy way to exit down the road.
posted by mibo at 3:51 PM on November 22, 2013
If he asks again, a firm and polite "No, I'm not interested" is appropriate.
It sounds like you were pretty clearly disinterested in though (well, to a normal person). If he does ask you again, I think you should inform your property manager, in writing, that you are experiencing unwelcomed advances by another tenant. I say this because my state recently passed a law requiring landlords to cancel leases without penalty for tenants who experienced harassment, stalking or domestic violence. However, you have to have a paper trail from here to Oregon, so get it started in case it becomes a very handy way to exit down the road.
posted by mibo at 3:51 PM on November 22, 2013
first invitation, "no thank you, not interested."
second invitation, "back the fuck off now!"
your question betrays a common misapprension that women are supposed to avoid "being awkward" during unwanted interactions with people who have been suitably advised (forewarned). on the third invitation, do something memorable so that he will avoid awkward interactions with you.
posted by bruce at 3:57 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
second invitation, "back the fuck off now!"
your question betrays a common misapprension that women are supposed to avoid "being awkward" during unwanted interactions with people who have been suitably advised (forewarned). on the third invitation, do something memorable so that he will avoid awkward interactions with you.
posted by bruce at 3:57 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: So this guy is perfectly nice,
Yeah, no. He's looking to score, you're there, he's brought up the weird and painful jerking off sounds so based on this communication skills his options for getting sex from other people would be rather low. His in is if you think he's perfectly nice. If you say "thanks for the invitation" - that will be his green light.
The problem with being very direct with a certain type of person is that they can go aggressive/violent very quickly if they feel their ego is being threatened. I think that's what the OP is trying to avoid here.
Deflect and avoid. Don't go out of your way to have anything to do with him.
posted by heyjude at 4:08 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, no. He's looking to score, you're there, he's brought up the weird and painful jerking off sounds so based on this communication skills his options for getting sex from other people would be rather low. His in is if you think he's perfectly nice. If you say "thanks for the invitation" - that will be his green light.
The problem with being very direct with a certain type of person is that they can go aggressive/violent very quickly if they feel their ego is being threatened. I think that's what the OP is trying to avoid here.
Deflect and avoid. Don't go out of your way to have anything to do with him.
posted by heyjude at 4:08 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
This guy sounds like a creep. Why would he even BE on your floor, if you live on the 2nd floor and he lives on the 1st? It sounds like he's been creeping around outside your door. If I were you I would stop being friendly at all to him. Hopefully he is embarrassed now and will leave you alone.
posted by barnoley at 4:32 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by barnoley at 4:32 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I worry that, since you posted here that he's "perfectly nice" that perhaps you didn't act offended enough when he said what he said. He needs to know that it was creepy and offensive and that you are not interested, in any way, shape or form, not even in the future. IF you were offended or creeped out by what he said (I hope you were both or at least one of them) you need to make that crystal clear to him if he speaks to you again or he make take your apparently-laid-back response as a signal that it's ok to persist.
posted by brownrd at 5:01 PM on November 22, 2013
posted by brownrd at 5:01 PM on November 22, 2013
Please don't have your roommate or someone beat up this man or otherwise threaten violence because he asked you out, as some have suggested. Beyond it being an escalation, if you wish to convey that you cannot handle your own affairs, that is fine way to do it.
I agree with phunniemee's advice. Unless he escalates, I think this is just a very awkward person who maybe (and very misguidedly) thought he was being funny. (we can't guess or read his mind - you were the only one to see his demeanor) However inappropriate his comment was, what he did was "sort of" ask you out. There is no indication that I see in your question that it won't just fizzle out on his own. Of course, you were there so you can best gauge the encounter.
posted by Tanizaki at 5:21 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
I agree with phunniemee's advice. Unless he escalates, I think this is just a very awkward person who maybe (and very misguidedly) thought he was being funny. (we can't guess or read his mind - you were the only one to see his demeanor) However inappropriate his comment was, what he did was "sort of" ask you out. There is no indication that I see in your question that it won't just fizzle out on his own. Of course, you were there so you can best gauge the encounter.
posted by Tanizaki at 5:21 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Please don't have your roommate or someone beat up this man or otherwise threaten violence because he asked you out, as some have suggested.
Wow, if that is a response to my answer, I meant have your roommate walk you out of the building if you're leaving at around the same time, or answer unexpected knocks at the door.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:23 PM on November 22, 2013
Wow, if that is a response to my answer, I meant have your roommate walk you out of the building if you're leaving at around the same time, or answer unexpected knocks at the door.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:23 PM on November 22, 2013
Are there unmentioned cultural differences at play here too?
There is no human earth culture in which it is normal and okay for an unknown man to corner a woman near her home and ask her strange questions about painful masturbation sounds.
posted by elizardbits at 5:34 PM on November 22, 2013 [30 favorites]
There is no human earth culture in which it is normal and okay for an unknown man to corner a woman near her home and ask her strange questions about painful masturbation sounds.
posted by elizardbits at 5:34 PM on November 22, 2013 [30 favorites]
He's a creeper, he follows you around and listens at your door, he has no boundaries and he wants to fuck you. I know you don't want to move....but HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND YOU AND THAT YOU ARE SINGLE. If it's even remotely possible, move away. Second option: oh, btw, suddenly I am dating my roommate, it was so sudden.
Either way: have as little talking as possible with him. This kind of guy will take ANYTHING as a sign that you want to fuck him.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:42 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Either way: have as little talking as possible with him. This kind of guy will take ANYTHING as a sign that you want to fuck him.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:42 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Good advice here, thank you all.
Some clarifications: I've lived in my building for a year and a half and he's only just gone from "normal, friendly" neighbor to "creep-radar," so that's why I leaned towards "nice guy being awkward." The only "cultural difference" is that, as whimsicalnymph notes, he's got some long-term resident behavior going on. Lingers in the lobby, brings people's packages up to their apartments (the mailroom is less secure as the front door sticks open) and leaves them outside the door, and whatnot. He works nights as a security guard and seems a bit lonely, but until now hadn't acted inappropriately with me. I also have a bit of that "is this dude going to go psycho on me" but mainly because of a past relationship, so I have no desire to escalate. I grew up in a suburban neighborhood knowing and being friendly with all my neighbors, so initially it was nice to have someone in the building who had that friendly-neighbor vibe rather than cold-shoulder city vibe. Sucks that that gets you in trouble in the city.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:58 PM on November 22, 2013
Some clarifications: I've lived in my building for a year and a half and he's only just gone from "normal, friendly" neighbor to "creep-radar," so that's why I leaned towards "nice guy being awkward." The only "cultural difference" is that, as whimsicalnymph notes, he's got some long-term resident behavior going on. Lingers in the lobby, brings people's packages up to their apartments (the mailroom is less secure as the front door sticks open) and leaves them outside the door, and whatnot. He works nights as a security guard and seems a bit lonely, but until now hadn't acted inappropriately with me. I also have a bit of that "is this dude going to go psycho on me" but mainly because of a past relationship, so I have no desire to escalate. I grew up in a suburban neighborhood knowing and being friendly with all my neighbors, so initially it was nice to have someone in the building who had that friendly-neighbor vibe rather than cold-shoulder city vibe. Sucks that that gets you in trouble in the city.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:58 PM on November 22, 2013
Best answer: i'm surprised by all of the judgement going on here that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual question.
What do I do if neighbor tries to ask me out again?
just tell him you don't want to date him. i would also stop being friendly any more than necessary. i'm not saying be mean, just treat him more like a stranger.
posted by cupcake1337 at 6:03 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
What do I do if neighbor tries to ask me out again?
just tell him you don't want to date him. i would also stop being friendly any more than necessary. i'm not saying be mean, just treat him more like a stranger.
posted by cupcake1337 at 6:03 PM on November 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
He should NOT be handling other people's mail unless they have specifically told him to do so.
The sticking door is an issue for the managment to fix pronto.
posted by brujita at 6:13 PM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
The sticking door is an issue for the managment to fix pronto.
posted by brujita at 6:13 PM on November 22, 2013 [5 favorites]
First: echoing the Creepy McCreepster what the hell are you doing outside my door listening and what the HELL are you doing talking to me about "masturbation sounds" sentiments.
Second: brings people's packages up to their apartments (the mailroom is less secure as the front door sticks open)
So, is he signing for other people's packages without their authorization to do so? PROBLEM. Or is he just taking packages out of the building's mailroom and leaving them in front of their doors? ALSO PROBLEM.
This guy is crossing a number of "that's not appropriate" boundaries. Please don't feel any obligation to coddle his feelings. If he approaches you again, I'd suggest a cold stare and an "I said I wasn't interested. I'm still not interested. That's not going to change."
Best wishes. It's very stressful when there's something creepy or off about one's home environment.
posted by Lexica at 7:13 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
Second: brings people's packages up to their apartments (the mailroom is less secure as the front door sticks open)
So, is he signing for other people's packages without their authorization to do so? PROBLEM. Or is he just taking packages out of the building's mailroom and leaving them in front of their doors? ALSO PROBLEM.
This guy is crossing a number of "that's not appropriate" boundaries. Please don't feel any obligation to coddle his feelings. If he approaches you again, I'd suggest a cold stare and an "I said I wasn't interested. I'm still not interested. That's not going to change."
Best wishes. It's very stressful when there's something creepy or off about one's home environment.
posted by Lexica at 7:13 PM on November 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you can't judge somebody you barely know for following you around and asking you creepy questions about imaginary masturbation sounds coming out of your apartment I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
If this guy continues to try to interact with you socially, you're perfectly within your rights to tell him straight up that you have no interest whatsoever in dating him. If he persists, tell him he's making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe and escalate it to your landlord and cops. This guy is fabulously out of line and if he doesn't already know that, it's time he was made aware.
Good luck and be safe.
posted by Space Kitty at 7:38 PM on November 22, 2013 [12 favorites]
If this guy continues to try to interact with you socially, you're perfectly within your rights to tell him straight up that you have no interest whatsoever in dating him. If he persists, tell him he's making you feel uncomfortable and unsafe and escalate it to your landlord and cops. This guy is fabulously out of line and if he doesn't already know that, it's time he was made aware.
Good luck and be safe.
posted by Space Kitty at 7:38 PM on November 22, 2013 [12 favorites]
Okay, first off, THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT FOR YOU TO BE POLITE OR FRIENDLY. Unfortunately, this is very much a 'girl' thing: girls are taught to be 'nice', which means it's hard to tell people to back off: it's ingrained in us that you can't be rude or hurt someone's feelings, because that's bad manners!
And that's bull. This guy, basically a stranger, obviously set off your creep-meter. Next time you see him, don't worry about being awkward: don't say anything. Nod your head at him if you want, but don't stop or talk to him, just keep moving. If he keeps talking anyway, tell him "Please leave me alone." If he STILL keeps following and talking to you, say it louder and without the politeness: a firm "Leave me alone!" And if that's not enough, go ahead and yell: "BACK OFF! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!" Don't worry about embarrassing him or hurting his feelings --- he isn't worried about *yours*, after all.
Keep your eyes open, and don't let him corner you someplace like the basement --- if he tries it again, stop in your tracks and loudly say "Are you following me? I told you to leave me alone!" Stop giving out personal information to random strangers who follow you around --- if someone like this asks if you have a boyfriend, answer with a cold flat stare and "Excuse me? WHAT did you say?" If they persist, straight-out SAY "That's none of your business."
posted by easily confused at 3:14 AM on November 23, 2013
And that's bull. This guy, basically a stranger, obviously set off your creep-meter. Next time you see him, don't worry about being awkward: don't say anything. Nod your head at him if you want, but don't stop or talk to him, just keep moving. If he keeps talking anyway, tell him "Please leave me alone." If he STILL keeps following and talking to you, say it louder and without the politeness: a firm "Leave me alone!" And if that's not enough, go ahead and yell: "BACK OFF! I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!" Don't worry about embarrassing him or hurting his feelings --- he isn't worried about *yours*, after all.
Keep your eyes open, and don't let him corner you someplace like the basement --- if he tries it again, stop in your tracks and loudly say "Are you following me? I told you to leave me alone!" Stop giving out personal information to random strangers who follow you around --- if someone like this asks if you have a boyfriend, answer with a cold flat stare and "Excuse me? WHAT did you say?" If they persist, straight-out SAY "That's none of your business."
posted by easily confused at 3:14 AM on November 23, 2013
He works nights as a security guard
I would be inclined to let his bosses know about his inappropriate behaviour. I'd also want to know exactly what his remit was and what keys and such he has access to. Someone needs to sit this guy down and have a conversation with him about appropriate behaviour. That person does NOT need to be you. It should be his boss.
posted by Solomon at 7:33 AM on November 23, 2013
I would be inclined to let his bosses know about his inappropriate behaviour. I'd also want to know exactly what his remit was and what keys and such he has access to. Someone needs to sit this guy down and have a conversation with him about appropriate behaviour. That person does NOT need to be you. It should be his boss.
posted by Solomon at 7:33 AM on November 23, 2013
I'd be all like 'no thanks mate' and then when I saw him afterwards I'd say 'hey Matt' and keep walking. It may not turn into awkward. If he keeps approaching you in a way that makes you uncomfortable that's when to escalate.
posted by h00py at 7:58 AM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by h00py at 7:58 AM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
There are two things that take this beyond awkward and into creepy.
1) as mentioned, he was lurking outside your apt. listening.
2) he brought up the creepy masturbation as a lead in to asking you on a date. And the reason he brought it up was because he didn't know if you were romantically involved with your roommate, and wanted to deliberately come between you, and cast him in a bad light.
That's the real reason not to confine to be friendly to him. Some people are overreacting, but at the very least he showed he is the type of guy to use sleazy and douchey techniques to further his own agenda.
He may not be a threat, but he is an asshole. Avoid, clearly state you have no interest in dating him, ever, if he asks again.
Third time is when it's time to escalate things beyond just him.
posted by catatethebird at 10:39 AM on November 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
1) as mentioned, he was lurking outside your apt. listening.
2) he brought up the creepy masturbation as a lead in to asking you on a date. And the reason he brought it up was because he didn't know if you were romantically involved with your roommate, and wanted to deliberately come between you, and cast him in a bad light.
That's the real reason not to confine to be friendly to him. Some people are overreacting, but at the very least he showed he is the type of guy to use sleazy and douchey techniques to further his own agenda.
He may not be a threat, but he is an asshole. Avoid, clearly state you have no interest in dating him, ever, if he asks again.
Third time is when it's time to escalate things beyond just him.
posted by catatethebird at 10:39 AM on November 23, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I have a totally different read on the situation - I think he's just awkward. As a fellow awkward person, this is what I imagine went on in his head:
Neighbor: Hey DoubleLune.
DoubleLune: Hey.
N: *OK, I can do this, just ask her for coffee* So, uh, do you live with your boyfriend?
D:. . . No? That's my roommate.
N: *Oh God, backpedal, backpedal* Oh!!! Haha! I'm sorry, I guess I thought you did. *Oh God, what if she takes that the wrong way? I'd better explain* Yeah, cause, you know, sometimes I hear things from your apartment.
D:*all the eyebrow*
N: You know, like someone jerking off. *OH GOD, STOP TALKING* but, you know, not quite like that, more painful and weird.
D: . . .
N: *. . . *
D: I have to go do my laundry.
N: *Oh man, I really screwed that up. I'll follow her down and try again.*
Anyway. I would just ignore him from now on. Maybe just do the neighborly head nod and move on. Turn him down if he asks you out again. And re-evaluate as necessary! This is just one possibility; maybe he is a creeper. Be alert.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:46 PM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Neighbor: Hey DoubleLune.
DoubleLune: Hey.
N: *OK, I can do this, just ask her for coffee* So, uh, do you live with your boyfriend?
D:. . . No? That's my roommate.
N: *Oh God, backpedal, backpedal* Oh!!! Haha! I'm sorry, I guess I thought you did. *Oh God, what if she takes that the wrong way? I'd better explain* Yeah, cause, you know, sometimes I hear things from your apartment.
D:*all the eyebrow*
N: You know, like someone jerking off. *OH GOD, STOP TALKING* but, you know, not quite like that, more painful and weird.
D: . . .
N: *. . . *
D: I have to go do my laundry.
N: *Oh man, I really screwed that up. I'll follow her down and try again.*
Anyway. I would just ignore him from now on. Maybe just do the neighborly head nod and move on. Turn him down if he asks you out again. And re-evaluate as necessary! This is just one possibility; maybe he is a creeper. Be alert.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:46 PM on November 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: If you can't judge somebody you barely know[...] I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Thanks Space Kitty for the singular most condescending and rude AskMeFi answer I've received.
-----------------
Sorry if I wasn't clear on the following, I try to avoid walls of text when I can...
There are two things that take this beyond awkward and into creepy.
1) as mentioned, he was lurking outside your apt. listening.
Has anyone else lived in a building with thin walls? Because in my building it's pretty easy to hear things in the hallway without trying to. I've been on the 3rd floor a couple times (upstairs neighbor was obnoxiously noisy, trying to find source of weed smell) for logical, non-creepy reasons. I've heard neighbors having sex numerous times going about my normal business because sounds carry into the hallways. Him telling me totally creeped me out, but how he found out is not necessarily creepy.
And if I wasn't clear by this statement...
I've lived in my building for a year and a half and he's only just gone from "normal, friendly" neighbor to "creep-radar," so that's why I leaned towards "nice guy being awkward."
I do think he's creepy. That's why I posted this. I was taken off guard and confused because every other interaction I've had with him over the last 17 months has been normal. I deal with a fuckton of creeps in my city -- most of them are pretty obvious about it from the beginning.
And the mail thing... he's not touching USPS mail, and he's not signing for packages. UPS/FedEx drops everything in our lobby. They also like to drop packages in the wrong entrance (our building has 3 mailrooms) so most of the time he's bringing things over from the wrong entrance. You may see this as creepy, and I was certainly surprised, but it's not all the time and it's not everything. I think recently he brought a couple packages to my door that were left in the correct spot -- crossing more into creepy here, but if he was prepping to ask me out I wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to use it as an excuse to knock on my door and then just left it when no-one answered.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:05 AM on November 24, 2013
Thanks Space Kitty for the singular most condescending and rude AskMeFi answer I've received.
-----------------
Sorry if I wasn't clear on the following, I try to avoid walls of text when I can...
There are two things that take this beyond awkward and into creepy.
1) as mentioned, he was lurking outside your apt. listening.
Has anyone else lived in a building with thin walls? Because in my building it's pretty easy to hear things in the hallway without trying to. I've been on the 3rd floor a couple times (upstairs neighbor was obnoxiously noisy, trying to find source of weed smell) for logical, non-creepy reasons. I've heard neighbors having sex numerous times going about my normal business because sounds carry into the hallways. Him telling me totally creeped me out, but how he found out is not necessarily creepy.
And if I wasn't clear by this statement...
I've lived in my building for a year and a half and he's only just gone from "normal, friendly" neighbor to "creep-radar," so that's why I leaned towards "nice guy being awkward."
I do think he's creepy. That's why I posted this. I was taken off guard and confused because every other interaction I've had with him over the last 17 months has been normal. I deal with a fuckton of creeps in my city -- most of them are pretty obvious about it from the beginning.
And the mail thing... he's not touching USPS mail, and he's not signing for packages. UPS/FedEx drops everything in our lobby. They also like to drop packages in the wrong entrance (our building has 3 mailrooms) so most of the time he's bringing things over from the wrong entrance. You may see this as creepy, and I was certainly surprised, but it's not all the time and it's not everything. I think recently he brought a couple packages to my door that were left in the correct spot -- crossing more into creepy here, but if he was prepping to ask me out I wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to use it as an excuse to knock on my door and then just left it when no-one answered.
posted by DoubleLune at 7:05 AM on November 24, 2013
USPS or private shipping service doesn't matter. He should not be handling other people's packages without permission. Tenants with packages left at the wrong entrance /mailroom should be notified of this with a letter slipped under their door (are all the mailrooms open to all tenants? If not, the management should be the one putting packages in the right mailroom).
His bringing the stuff left in its proper place up to your door is favor sharking. Tell him "Stop handling my packages. If I had wanted your help I would have asked for it."
posted by brujita at 8:48 AM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
His bringing the stuff left in its proper place up to your door is favor sharking. Tell him "Stop handling my packages. If I had wanted your help I would have asked for it."
posted by brujita at 8:48 AM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're getting mad at people for giving a consensus of reaction on a situation you described because we haven't lived the situation ourselves? OK then. There was nothing wrong with Space Kitty's take on all of us judging your neighbor. He sounds creepy as hell based on your description.
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:57 PM on November 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:57 PM on November 24, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Hey, DoubleLune -
I apologize! I wasn't trying to scold you for being insufficiently judgy. I thought it was clear I was reacting to people who were saying, "don't be too quick to judge this guy, maybe he's just awkward!" but on reread I can see how my comment came off as attacking you. I just wanted to clarify I'm actually on your side - this is an uncomfortable situation this guy has created and I feel for you.
In the past, when I've been confronted with weird, out of the blue, boundary-testing behavior, I have tended to underreact. My tendency has been to "WTF?!" quietly to myself, and let it go. Unfortunately, this hasn't always served me well, because sometimes the boundary tester takes the non-reaction as permission to escalate their behavior.
I can see how living in the same building you don't want to treat this guy the same as a catcaller on the street, but I only meant to reinforce that your instincts that this was inappropriate behavior on his part were correct, and to say that unapologetic, extremely clear boundary setting with him is called for.
Good luck, and I hope this all blows over with a minimum of awkwardness very soon.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:00 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I apologize! I wasn't trying to scold you for being insufficiently judgy. I thought it was clear I was reacting to people who were saying, "don't be too quick to judge this guy, maybe he's just awkward!" but on reread I can see how my comment came off as attacking you. I just wanted to clarify I'm actually on your side - this is an uncomfortable situation this guy has created and I feel for you.
In the past, when I've been confronted with weird, out of the blue, boundary-testing behavior, I have tended to underreact. My tendency has been to "WTF?!" quietly to myself, and let it go. Unfortunately, this hasn't always served me well, because sometimes the boundary tester takes the non-reaction as permission to escalate their behavior.
I can see how living in the same building you don't want to treat this guy the same as a catcaller on the street, but I only meant to reinforce that your instincts that this was inappropriate behavior on his part were correct, and to say that unapologetic, extremely clear boundary setting with him is called for.
Good luck, and I hope this all blows over with a minimum of awkwardness very soon.
posted by Space Kitty at 10:00 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: AppleTurnover -- I wasn't getting mad at other people. I really appreciate the range of responses given and took the consensus of "yes, creep" to heart. I'm not always the greatest at expressing myself how I want to in writing.
Space Kitty -- Thank you for clarifying what you meant. I'm really sorry for taking your statement the wrong way, as I obviously completely misconstrued what you were intending to say!
Anyhow, thanks all again for the answers and suggestions. My plan is to ignore if I see him in passing, ignore if he tries to interact, and if he pushes beyond that to tell him flat-out I'm not interested.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:32 PM on November 25, 2013
Space Kitty -- Thank you for clarifying what you meant. I'm really sorry for taking your statement the wrong way, as I obviously completely misconstrued what you were intending to say!
Anyhow, thanks all again for the answers and suggestions. My plan is to ignore if I see him in passing, ignore if he tries to interact, and if he pushes beyond that to tell him flat-out I'm not interested.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:32 PM on November 25, 2013
Please don't have your roommate or someone beat up this man or otherwise threaten violence because he asked you out, as some have suggested.
I also mentioned the possible usefulness of the roommate, and I only meant that bro-to-bro communication "Dude. Back Off" often gets taken more seriously and also let's the guy know that she mentioned it to the roommate (in a negative light), is not alone and roommate has her back.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:31 AM on December 1, 2013
I also mentioned the possible usefulness of the roommate, and I only meant that bro-to-bro communication "Dude. Back Off" often gets taken more seriously and also let's the guy know that she mentioned it to the roommate (in a negative light), is not alone and roommate has her back.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:31 AM on December 1, 2013
Response by poster: Somehow literally did not see neighbor for almost 2 months(!), and saw him the other day. I pointedly ignored him (and then gave him a frosty "thanks" when he pointedly repeated himself) and then he walked away, so the situation has not escalated, and he didn't get too pushy when I didn't engage with him.
posted by DoubleLune at 12:21 PM on February 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by DoubleLune at 12:21 PM on February 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
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Avoid this guy. He seems creepy and weird.
posted by discopolo at 2:22 PM on November 22, 2013 [27 favorites]