How does a white girl learn to do black girl hair?

November 19, 2013 8:36 PM

My husband and I are foster parents and we just got a placement. She is 20 months old and in addition to being silly and snuggly and clever she is also a girly girl and black. How do I learn to style her hair?

She loves being fussed over. She constantly wants me to do her hair, put lotion on her, etc. She brings me my hair dryer, wants to put on my facial moisturizer etc.

Engaging in this kind of grooming is great bonding but I haven't done much with her hair because I just don't know where to begin. I've tried watching YouTube videos but I feel like I need an even more beginner lesson. I have always worn pixie cuts and barely know how to style my own hair. Intricate braiding is well beyond my current skill level. I know how to wet, detangle and moisturizer her hair it's the actual styling piece I need help with. Right now her hair is in a protective style which was done by her teacher at preschool. That was incredibly kind but it looks like it must have taken a long time and I don't want the teacher having to do that all the time.

I also want to learn because her Mom obviously cares about the baby's appearance (the baby came with all kinds of adorable clothes and frilly socks and fancy sneakers etc.) and doing her hair is one way I think I can demonstrate that we are trying our best to take care of the baby.

How can I go about learning? How can I find just the right products for her particular hair? A beauty supply place? A professional hair stylists or beauty shop? Are there classes on this stuff? I've found some classes on braiding in particular on Google but can't tell if they are suitable for amateurs.

posted by Saminal to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (34 answers total)

My friends with interracial kids have told me that their MIL's absolutely insist that they take their daughters to salons that cater to doing black hair. I know money can be tight, but maybe one or two visits with stylists would be a good place to start and to get your questions answered.
posted by vignettist at 8:48 PM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

I would go to a black female friend or a black hair salon.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:49 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

Black hair salon!
posted by oceanjesse at 8:51 PM on November 19, 2013

Best answer: Better Than Good Hair by Ernessa T. Carter and Nikki Walton has wicked awesome guides that literally include diagrams that are almost like maps. This is the only book I've found really helpful for doing my own natural hair because the diagrams kick ass. This is also my FAVORITE hair website:

http://motowngirl.com/

and my bestie likes this one:

http://blackgirllonghair.com/

For hair... I really love Oyin haircare products because they're light and they don't make me break out. I'm bourgie, tho. On my niece's hair we are using Curly Q detangler which you can get at drugstores and Target, and some Suave junk my sister got (it's in a pink bottle?). I think my first leave in/detangler was Infusium + water + cheapo conditioner in a spray bottle I used to use all the time, and that was honestly just fine. I also had a major <3 on Giovanni products from Whole Foods.

Finding the right products is really a matter of experimentation (tho the ppl at Oyin are so nice, that if you call when the store is open they might could help you). I'm digging Kinky Curly and Miss Jessie now. I've also liked Paul Mitchell, esp the Awapuhi line. A great way to experiment is by buying conditioners and deep conditioners and whatnot from Marshall's and TJ Maxx, esp if they're by a salon, because then they'll get really good over stock. Sally's Beauty is also really good.

I'd probably start by asking at BGLH for advice. They're gonna want to know her hair texture using this system:

http://www.naturallycurly.com/hair-types

like I'm between a 3c and a 4a depending on length and how good I've been about deep conditioning it. So, they'll also ask if it feels crunchy. There's a description of what that means in the Better Than Good book.
posted by spunweb at 8:54 PM on November 19, 2013 [10 favorites]

I would try to find a hair salon in your area that is experienced in working with black hair. From your blog listed in your profile, you're in Austin? Here's a Yelp list of salons you could contact. I bet they would be willing to give you a tutorial and show you how to do a few styles for the cost of a hair service.
posted by cecic at 8:54 PM on November 19, 2013

Hopefully not that girl will chime in, but this post on hair doo-dads for black hair stuck out in my mind.
posted by radioamy at 8:56 PM on November 19, 2013

Oh, and asking the stylist if you can watch is a very good idea.

You are really lucky to have a kid with black hair; some of my favorite momma and me moments involve the commingled agony and joy of sitting on the floor while she did my hair.
posted by spunweb at 8:57 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

It seems this is a pretty common issue for foster parents - a google search for "black hair foster care" turned up state and county workshop listings and pamphlets aimed at helping non-black foster parents learn how to care for their black children's hair. Do you have a caseworker or someone you could ask about this? Your local social services organizations may already have something in place to help you. Also searching for black haircare tips for foster parents specifically might help you find info that is more relevant to your situation and aimed at total newbies.
posted by horizons at 9:05 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh, and when I don't have access to my snooty organic artisan hair care products, I default to Garnier Fructis or pretty much anything by ORS, which is in the ethnic hair care section of most stores. I really don't like how either smells, but I am, again, a snot.

I generally avoid stuff with sulfates, because for me they're a little drying, but am down for the glyceriny silicones you might find in VO5 conditioners (which ppl often use for "co-washes" -- that's when you use a cheaper conditioner to rinse your hair between shampooing it. Sometimes if you have wicked curly hair you don't want to shampoo it every day because it's drying.).

Depending on how long her hair is, twists/twist outs are a good protective style to start out with. They're so easy my male Bengali roommate figured it out in 10 minutes flat and just did mine for me. I think I just showed him a picture or something from motowngirl or BGLH. I certainly hadn't done it before, lol. Anyways, once they're twisted, you can wear them and sleep in them for a few days, untwist them and be all cool with a twist out for a day or two, and then re-do your hair. I like this, because despite how much of a snot I am about hair care products, I still think

http://www.amazon.com/Organic-Root-Stimulator-Lock-Twist/dp/B0014RA68E

is one of the best things ever, because it's a total sensory experience, between the texture, the smell, and how it makes your scalp feel.
posted by spunweb at 9:29 PM on November 19, 2013

Best answer: Call a black salon, tell them your story, and tell them you want to learn. You are probably looking for "natural hair care" which means, generally, without chemical treatments to straighten or style it. (In some states, natural hair care for African-American hair is a whole separate certification for stylists, since it is its whole own thing.) They will be happy to teach you and glad you care enough for your daughter to take the time to learn.

A friend of mine just went through this and everyone was super supportive. She got salon referrals by talking to the female pastor of a black church. Nobody knew my friend from Adam but everyone was happy to help.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:31 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Hi.

I am a mixed girl with Black hair raised by white parents. I had agonizing misery with my hair for years.

Step 1) accept that most of the common knowlege/ wisdom/ assumptions you have about hair are now wrong.

Step 2) accept that Black hair styling is often expected to involve pain or harsh chemical or mechanical manipulation/ treatment, which is not neccesarily great for the hair, but that it's more than possible to find other options. Talk to a stylist who specializes in this type of hair.

Step 3) check out this website and/ or read the book to learn proper, healthy care for this type of hair.

Step 4) look up types of braids/ twists on youtube and find ones she likes and wants to try.

Step 5) never tell her that she looks like she stuck her finger in a light socket.
posted by windykites at 9:44 PM on November 19, 2013 [13 favorites]

Also, if you want to learn more about the evil (or at least I think it's evil) hair relaxation empire, Good Hair is a movie you might as well watch.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:49 PM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

I'm a white mother of two black children. They are boys, but I can tell you that adoptive parent gatherings seem to focus to a ridiculous extent on hair. So, maybe look around for support groups for adoptive families, including Ethiopian adoptive families.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:00 PM on November 19, 2013

Best answer: Aside from the cringe-inducing name Chocolate Hair, Vanilla Care is devoted to exactly this issue. Start with "Hair 101" in the top bar and go from there.

Also, this is what my stylist has said. Take it as you will:

Black hair is not crazy witchcraft hair, it is human hair just like other human hair. It just happens to be a heck of a lot curlier than most White people are used to dealing with. In general, the more curly the hair the more dry and sensitive to washing it becomes. Stereotypical Black-textured hair is just way, way to the end of this spectrum. It's one thing if you want to go with relaxers and whatnot (please don't), but if you want natural hair care then you just want to treat her hair like it is just super, super-curly hair (which is exactly what it is).
posted by Anonymous at 10:01 PM on November 19, 2013

Best answer: I would try here.

Also, be very careful choosing a black salon. I agree with the posters who say look for someone who specializes in natural hair care. I don't know how it is now, but I'm black and I know a lot of people with permanently damaged hair because the salons used too many chemicals (relaxers mostly) on their hair growing up.
posted by Autumn at 1:06 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Thirding Long Hair Care Forum. That place has helped me more than I can say. There is a yearly fee if you want access to non-hair forums, but the hair care forum itself is free.

That place helped me go from having hair that never went past my ears to having hair that reaches the top of my bra strap. (Happy to show any and all pictures.)
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 2:38 AM on November 20, 2013

Seconding that you should see the movie Good Hair mentioned above by oceanjesse.
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:15 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

windykites and autumn have it. There also might be a beauty school in the area where they're learning /you're learning on her hair.

A couple of my cousins have 'black' hair, mostly just wore it long (because it was blonde as well and grew long) and just kept conditioner or an olive oil (paste is not the right word) hair moisturising creme with them all the time, brushing it through their hair twice a day and letting it fly free or be in a tail.

Some of my nieces and nephews got the heavy frizz hair too - from their mom and their dad (Caribbean Islander and part Native American) and that's what they do mostly as well. I have a few random patches that grow out thick and frizzy (I've examined them under a microscope - TRIANGLE TWISTY COOL) but mostly just thick occasional ruly hair. Conditioner watered down a bit and brushed in is about all I use.
posted by tilde at 5:27 AM on November 20, 2013

Thirding Good Hair! A really good, entertaining movie, and one that will give you a taste of a lot of cultural stuff that, if you are a white lady with white lady hair, you probably know very little about (or I did). I mean, I knew, sort of, but that kind of laser focus on it was really completely fascinating, and I think if you're likely to find yourself in this situation from time to time, it would be valuable.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:10 AM on November 20, 2013

For sure, go to a salon that caters to the black community and let her have a "spa day". Explain to the operator that you need a style that's easy for you to do at home. Or let her get all braided up, with the understanding that when she gets it done at home, that it won't be so fancy.

I'm assuming that her hair is natural, so I'd get a nice pick and some oil and give a nice hair/head massage, run the pick through her hair, and then give her some Afro Puffs. Or just one puff on top of her head. Buy cute barretes, and hair decorations (page through that slide show, it's sweet,) and focus more on the sparkly stuff.

Another fun thing is a baby manicure.

Braids are very time consuming and some folks just love braiding hair. It sounds like the baby enjoys having her hair braided, and that can be a treat from the salon every so often.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:32 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

See if your local library has the I Love My Hair book. It's super cute and very well illustrated. I have a feeling she might like seeing the drawings and listening to the story!
posted by barnone at 6:57 AM on November 20, 2013

Oh, and if you just want a bonding grooming activity, oil her scalp!

Basically, just dab olive oil onto your fingertips and rub it into her scalp firmly with your fingertips. It's good for her hair, it feels amazing, it's something she might experience again in the future in the black community.
posted by windykites at 8:39 AM on November 20, 2013

Rebecca at Fosterhood is the white foster parent to a sucession of black or mixed race infants and toddlers. I understand that she's very good about responding to other foster parents who reach out to her. She's in NYC, but she does have a LOT of experience dealing both with the learning curve itself and also of dealing with the cultural expectations of the birth parents, not only in terms of hair but also ear piercing, clothing, etc.
posted by anastasiav at 8:49 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Black girl here ;-)

My vote is to find a braiding salon (very easy to Google for your area).

Get her hair washed, conditioned and braided (in cornrows or individuals) every two weeks. During those two weeks, you'll be spraying moisturizing sprays and oils in her hair to keep it conditioned. A good braider will not only do her hair but recommend maintenance.

This was pretty much my routine for my entire early childhood, save for holidays when my grandmother pulled out the dreaded hot comb (!!!!) to straighten my hair. If her hair gets dusty/dirty from play, you can rinse it without shampoo with the braids still in. This shouldn't cost you more than 20-30 bucks. If someone tries to charge you more than that to do a baby's here, go somewhere else. Also, do you know other foster parents who are fostering black teens? I made a pretty penny braiding hair in my teens for about $10 a head.

In the meantime, you can purchase natural oils (olive, jojoba) and shea butter to keep her hair soft and manageable. Those oils also double very nicely as moisturizers ... because as a race, we are completely averse to being ashy! Good luck. She's lucky to have such a doting foster mom.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 10:13 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]

Black girl here too...with 3 daughters under the age of 5:

1. Get a routine in place (I co-wash every other week and keep hair in protective styles between washes)
2. Detangle softly (always when wet - dry detangling hurts and causes breakage)
3. Braids/twists/banding are the way to go - please don't pull tightly, it causes breakage especially at the hairline)
4. Cowash (washing with just conditioner) most of the time and only use a sulfate free shampoo once every 4th or 5th time to get rid of product buildup
5. Avoid heat (blow dryers, flat irons, hot combs etc)
6. NO RELAXERS!!! Do not let any salon talk you into relaxing her hair.
7. If she's anything like my 19 month old, she will make you feel like you are stabbing her eyeballs with a fork, judging by the screams of agony I get when its "hair day". Don't be deterred - just go gently. I find the ipad provides a good distraction.
8. A trick I learned with my second - wait till she's sleeping to remove any braids. (she can sleep through an earthquake, that one!!)
Send me a memail with any specific questions you may have regarding products/techniques etc and i'll be happy to help.
Good luck and thanks for being such a good foster mom!!
posted by ramix at 11:54 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

There's a great film by comedian Chris Rock that you might want to take a look at "Good Hair" - it's a little off the subject of what society say's makes 'good black hair' as it unearth's the dark side of the industry (ie the chemical and extension side.. hair being cut from Indian women in cinemas etc... to make extortionate extensions to enrich white profiteers.. at 6 she's probably not there yet).
It was inspired by his young daughter bursting into tears and saying she "wished she had good hair". It's kind of the like Germaine Greers 'Beauty Myth' about kids being told Afro hair is not 'good' in its a natural state (I know it can be tricky to manage).

Not to put you off pampering this little one.. but throws up issues worth thinking about.
By the way getting hair braided is one of the most physically painful experiences I've ever had and I box and kickbox!
posted by tanktop at 11:55 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]

Um, I am stopping back in to say please do not watch "Good Hair." It is an attempt by a comedian to understand the psychological/sociological issues surrounding black women and their hair and while it makes one or two salient points, it mostly does a poor job of shedding light on an incredibly, incredibly complex issue.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 2:23 PM on November 20, 2013

For a kid focused hair care book, I highly recommend It's All Good Hair: The Guide to Styling and Grooming Black Children's Hair by Michele N-K Collison. Beads, Braids & Beyond is great for style ideas.
posted by bluesapphires at 3:06 PM on November 20, 2013

I was coming in to suggest talking to Rebecca at Fosterhood. Her blog is really wonderful and she would likely have really great suggestions.

And so much love for you that you foster. That's wonderful.
posted by bibliogrrl at 3:42 PM on November 20, 2013

Best answer: Oh and make sure your partner learns too! It was always really obvious if my mom was sick because my hair was very obviously not done.
posted by spunweb at 8:43 PM on November 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: So after a lot of searching and phone calls I settled on a braiding salon in a suburb of Austin.

I called and explained my situation and everyone I talked to was warm, welcoming and happy to share a ton of knowledge with me. The Little Biscuit (as we call her) enjoyed eating Cheerios and playing a fishing game on my phone while they put TWO braiders to work on her hair so that it went by speedily. The place is TJ Hair Designs in case any other Austin foster parents happen to stumble upon this thread.

Chocolate Hair Vanilla Care (though cringe-worthy in title) was also extremely helpful as a resource.

Finally I had good luck emailing my caseworker to ask if any of her other families were fostering a teenaged girl who might like to earn some extra cash braiding the baby's hair while I took video of the process. As a bonus the baby would do ANYTHING to have Beautiful, Cool Teenager pay attention to her, including sitting still for an hour while her hair is fussed with.

The best thing has been that now any time a person touches the baby's hair she looks up earnestly and declares, "Ooooh pretty!" because that's all people tell her about her hair. Thanks, AskMe!
posted by Saminal at 6:45 AM on December 30, 2013 [4 favorites]

Hurray for a nice update!

I did want to mention something, as a white mom of black children: hair touching should really be discouraged. It's kind of a thing that (usually) white people will sometimes be curious about black hair and want to touch it. We adults tend to have fewer boundaries with kids, so it can happen more with them. But it's not the job of children of color to be the accessible 'Other' for white people. And your foster daughter should learn that it's not okay for random people to touch her hair (outside of the salon and her parents/foster parents).

I'm not sure I've explained this well, but I hope you are open to my fumbling attempts to explain it. I do think that we white parents of children of color have an obligation to try to understand what our kids are experiencing and advocate for them as adult people of color would. And I think this is one of those things that can come up that some of us white women wouldn't have thought about otherwise.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:09 AM on December 30, 2013

Response by poster: I should have clarified: the people touching her hair are people actively caring for it. It was just to point out that you all helped me 1. avoid giving her anxiety about pain related to hair maintenance and 2. started her on the road to not worrying that people are "fixing" her hair.

Also, as a funny aside whenever I put oil into her hair or on her scalp she says, "what that?" and I tell her I'm putting oil on to protect her hair and make sure it stays healthy. So this morning when I brushed a piece of fuzz off her sleepy head she shouted "healthy!"
posted by Saminal at 1:12 PM on December 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

Oh, that's great! Ignore my not-actually-helpful comment, then.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:52 PM on December 30, 2013