Helping 7 yo process mother's death
November 19, 2013 8:29 AM Subscribe
So my sister-in-law had a stroke last week and passed away on Friday. My niece's are 7 and 19. The older one, of course groks it, but I'm not sure how much the younger one is getting.
My SIL was a Wiccan, and my brother is a lapsed Catholic, but apparently, they never really talked to R about well, Life the Universe, and Everything. Both girls saw their mother shortly before she died, but she was completely unresponsive. We've explained to her that her mom isn't going to be coming back, and that she would be "watching over her". She bounces between short squalls of weeping and being perfectly fine, playing with her cousins and looking at pictures of her mom. We've told her that she's going to go back and forth from being sad, and being mad, and still be able to have happy memories of her mom, but we're kind of at a loss as to what else to say. To make things more difficult-my SIL's service is this evening. We've told R how a lot of people who loved her mom are going to be there to celebrate her, but we're not quite sure how to explain that her body's there, but it's not her. Any advice?
My SIL was a Wiccan, and my brother is a lapsed Catholic, but apparently, they never really talked to R about well, Life the Universe, and Everything. Both girls saw their mother shortly before she died, but she was completely unresponsive. We've explained to her that her mom isn't going to be coming back, and that she would be "watching over her". She bounces between short squalls of weeping and being perfectly fine, playing with her cousins and looking at pictures of her mom. We've told her that she's going to go back and forth from being sad, and being mad, and still be able to have happy memories of her mom, but we're kind of at a loss as to what else to say. To make things more difficult-my SIL's service is this evening. We've told R how a lot of people who loved her mom are going to be there to celebrate her, but we're not quite sure how to explain that her body's there, but it's not her. Any advice?
I'm sorry for your loss, as well.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:38 AM on November 19, 2013
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:38 AM on November 19, 2013
Best answer: I think that you are doing well, and she's doing as well as possible under the circumstances. She's 7, and no, these are VERY hard concepts to grasp at that age, so don't be surprised if she asks, "When's mom coming back?"
Be prepared to discuss an afterlife that R can understand. "Your mom believed that she would be in Summerland. It's a beautiful place where it's always green and warm and everyone is happy. I'm sure she hated to leave you so soon, but while she can't be here in her physical body, her spirit is watching over you and she'll love you forever." Answer any questions as honestly as possible, given R's tender age.
I come from a religious tradition that doesn't include an open casket, so that part has always squicked me out, I just refuse to deal with that. I think 7 is too young to actually view her mom, dead in a casket, but given my viewpoint, you can consider that for what it's worth.
There's no playbook for this. All you can do is what you believe to be the best at this difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss, I think it's great that you're willing to step in and help out in this difficult, difficult time.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:38 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Be prepared to discuss an afterlife that R can understand. "Your mom believed that she would be in Summerland. It's a beautiful place where it's always green and warm and everyone is happy. I'm sure she hated to leave you so soon, but while she can't be here in her physical body, her spirit is watching over you and she'll love you forever." Answer any questions as honestly as possible, given R's tender age.
I come from a religious tradition that doesn't include an open casket, so that part has always squicked me out, I just refuse to deal with that. I think 7 is too young to actually view her mom, dead in a casket, but given my viewpoint, you can consider that for what it's worth.
There's no playbook for this. All you can do is what you believe to be the best at this difficult time.
I am so sorry for your loss, I think it's great that you're willing to step in and help out in this difficult, difficult time.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:38 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry for your loss.
To me, it sounds like you're doing very well with her. Make it very clear that she can ask any questions she wants and that it's okay to feel however she wants to feel. Everyone processes loss differently. Maybe talk about mom with the 7 and 19 year old together? If they have a good relationship, there may be a connection there that can help them both process it over time.
7 year olds are very concrete thinkers, so keep things as simple and direct as you can. It's good to talk about death with her, but it's a really weird concept for her to process. Keep those lines of communication open and accept anything you get from her.
Also, please take care of yourself and allow time to grieve however you need to, so you can be available for the kids.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 8:50 AM on November 19, 2013
To me, it sounds like you're doing very well with her. Make it very clear that she can ask any questions she wants and that it's okay to feel however she wants to feel. Everyone processes loss differently. Maybe talk about mom with the 7 and 19 year old together? If they have a good relationship, there may be a connection there that can help them both process it over time.
7 year olds are very concrete thinkers, so keep things as simple and direct as you can. It's good to talk about death with her, but it's a really weird concept for her to process. Keep those lines of communication open and accept anything you get from her.
Also, please take care of yourself and allow time to grieve however you need to, so you can be available for the kids.
posted by Pantengliopoli at 8:50 AM on November 19, 2013
Best answer: Hi. My wife died at the beginning off this year, leaving me the sole parent of our then-16-month-old daughter (gratuitous kid pic). I know a 16-month-old is not a 7-year-old, but my advice is not to force it. That's been true for both myself and my daughter. Everyone seems to think there's something that they *need* to say or *need* to do, or worse, something that *I* need to say or do, and frankly, there really aren't any rules for this sort of thing. We all handle it in our own ways. You should be supportive, but you don't need to be proactive. You can also be honest. If you get "When's mom coming back?" I think that, "She's not coming back, she's gone." Is a fair answer. And if you get "I miss mom" all you need to say is "I miss her too".
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 8:52 AM on November 19, 2013 [27 favorites]
posted by tylerkaraszewski at 8:52 AM on November 19, 2013 [27 favorites]
My mom died unexpectedly almost three weeks ago; I'm 36 years old and "bouncing between short squalls of weeping and being perfectly fine, playing with her cousins and looking at pictures of her mom" sounds pretty much like what I've been doing for the last 19 days.
I think you guys are doing just fine, just answer her questions honestly when she asks them. I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by crankylex at 8:58 AM on November 19, 2013 [11 favorites]
I think you guys are doing just fine, just answer her questions honestly when she asks them. I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by crankylex at 8:58 AM on November 19, 2013 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry for your loss. Its sounds like you're doing everything right. This is a link on children's grief that I passed to my sister when her neighbour died, and she was trying to find a way to help the bereaved spouse talk to his 6 year old daughter. Talking and being open and validating her feelings are the best things to do, so just keep on as you have been. Also she will go through different stages of grief as she ages. And do remember that the 19 year old will also be having complicated feelings, it's just that she will expect herself to be better able to deal with it than the child, in the same way that the adults will expect it of her. 19 is still relatively young, so it might be good if she got some extra attention too. This is all so hard. Look after yourself.
posted by billiebee at 9:09 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by billiebee at 9:09 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think what's worrying you is that she goes these periods of being 'perfectly fine' -- and you think these are indicative of her not having the appropriate response to the situation, and/or are worried that her showing normal behavior means she doesn't quite grasp what's happened and/or she should be much sadder or something.
IANAT, but I wouldn't worry that she is not comprehending that her mom is gone.
She bounces between sadness and normality because, well, she's 7 and her brain works like a 7 year olds-- which is to say she flits between what to play next and having fun and having a tea party and being totally distracted and in that moment-- and then has to reconcile that with the reminder of her mother not being there, and those thoughts kind of conflict -- and it's really tough for a 7 year old to maintain that level of sombre-ness and grounded in reality-ness that we would expect in an adult.
Having lost my father at 16-- I too kind went through periods where I appeared fine, or when I didn't think about it too much. I felt the reality of it pretty deeply, especially upon waking, but I also worried if a boy would ever kiss me and other things a 16 year old worries about.
And it doesn't change all that much, really. Last month I lost a really close friend of mine, and the reaction was kind of similar. I watched a video of him, and instead of it making me sadder, it made me smile a lot. I talked about him to other friends, and my other friends (who didn't know him) looked at me oddly, like, 'shouldn't she be sadder right now?' Not realizing that a lot of my struggles were internal, that I'd cried a lot already-- but also-- it's just physically exhausting and draining to cry all the time and be sad all. the. time. And sometimes, my brain would just forget he was gone.
I would expect even more from a seven year old, flitting between feeling normal, and then remembering her mom is gone. I would say that her behavior is perfectly normal and she really does 'get' it, believe me. If she's crying at all, she gets it on some level. I wouldn't worry about feeling the need to make it 'hit home' for her more than it already does.
It's important to realize there's no right way to grieve, and also no wrong way to grieve, despite what it appears. That goes doubly for children.
As others have said, there's not much you can do but to explain to her as simply as you can that her mom's body is still here, but her mother is gone. Don't worry too much about how she should be reacting or what she does. She will probably understand. At my friend's funeral, his 4 nieces and nephews were all there and they ranged from 5-13, and they got it. They actually all (even the 5 year old) said some words about him. The younger they got the less 'sad' they got, but all of them understood on some rudimentary level what it all entailed.
I'm sorry for your loss as well.
posted by Dimes at 9:10 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
IANAT, but I wouldn't worry that she is not comprehending that her mom is gone.
She bounces between sadness and normality because, well, she's 7 and her brain works like a 7 year olds-- which is to say she flits between what to play next and having fun and having a tea party and being totally distracted and in that moment-- and then has to reconcile that with the reminder of her mother not being there, and those thoughts kind of conflict -- and it's really tough for a 7 year old to maintain that level of sombre-ness and grounded in reality-ness that we would expect in an adult.
Having lost my father at 16-- I too kind went through periods where I appeared fine, or when I didn't think about it too much. I felt the reality of it pretty deeply, especially upon waking, but I also worried if a boy would ever kiss me and other things a 16 year old worries about.
And it doesn't change all that much, really. Last month I lost a really close friend of mine, and the reaction was kind of similar. I watched a video of him, and instead of it making me sadder, it made me smile a lot. I talked about him to other friends, and my other friends (who didn't know him) looked at me oddly, like, 'shouldn't she be sadder right now?' Not realizing that a lot of my struggles were internal, that I'd cried a lot already-- but also-- it's just physically exhausting and draining to cry all the time and be sad all. the. time. And sometimes, my brain would just forget he was gone.
I would expect even more from a seven year old, flitting between feeling normal, and then remembering her mom is gone. I would say that her behavior is perfectly normal and she really does 'get' it, believe me. If she's crying at all, she gets it on some level. I wouldn't worry about feeling the need to make it 'hit home' for her more than it already does.
It's important to realize there's no right way to grieve, and also no wrong way to grieve, despite what it appears. That goes doubly for children.
As others have said, there's not much you can do but to explain to her as simply as you can that her mom's body is still here, but her mother is gone. Don't worry too much about how she should be reacting or what she does. She will probably understand. At my friend's funeral, his 4 nieces and nephews were all there and they ranged from 5-13, and they got it. They actually all (even the 5 year old) said some words about him. The younger they got the less 'sad' they got, but all of them understood on some rudimentary level what it all entailed.
I'm sorry for your loss as well.
posted by Dimes at 9:10 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: She bounces between short squalls of weeping and being perfectly fine, playing with her cousins and looking at pictures of her mom. We've told her that she's going to go back and forth from being sad, and being mad, and still be able to have happy memories of her mom, but we're kind of at a loss as to what else to say.
Lost my dad at 8. She gets it, and her response is totally, 100% normal. The day after my dad's funeral I played with water guns with my cousin. Frequently cried myself to sleep. Kids are good at forgetting, until they're not.
Please don't tell her how she'll feel--rather, be there for her to listen. And, if possible, get her into weekly sessions with a good child therapist, particularly someone who does something like play therapy. She needs someone there who is there just for her, to listen and talk and not pressure her to have any particular sort of response. Kids are astute and will pick up on pressures to compartmentalize or react in certain ways. Death at this age can really, really screw up a kid, and I wish my mother and caregivers had made professional help available to me.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:12 AM on November 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
Lost my dad at 8. She gets it, and her response is totally, 100% normal. The day after my dad's funeral I played with water guns with my cousin. Frequently cried myself to sleep. Kids are good at forgetting, until they're not.
Please don't tell her how she'll feel--rather, be there for her to listen. And, if possible, get her into weekly sessions with a good child therapist, particularly someone who does something like play therapy. She needs someone there who is there just for her, to listen and talk and not pressure her to have any particular sort of response. Kids are astute and will pick up on pressures to compartmentalize or react in certain ways. Death at this age can really, really screw up a kid, and I wish my mother and caregivers had made professional help available to me.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:12 AM on November 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
I was a little older (10) when my mom died. She was sick with cancer, but her death still came as a surprise to me. I also saw her unresponsive (but alive) in the morning, and deceased later in the same day.
I don't think a 7 year old is too young to see her mom's body and casket. On the day my mom died, I vividly remember overhearing my dad and my oldest sister (19 at the time) discussing whether or not I should go to the funeral home and burial. I remember thinking "please don't make me go. I really, really don't want to go." Almost 23 years later, I'm really glad they made me go and see my mom's body, and give her a kiss. As an adult, I think it was the right decision to have that feeling of not being sheltered, and being encouraged to be included in everything - even if it was extremely difficult at the time.
My nieces and nephews saw my dad's body, when he died 2 years ago. They were 12, 9, and 5. I'm pretty sure it was the first body they had ever seen and the first person they knew that died - the 5 year old had a lot of questions, but the 12 and 9 year old had a pretty good natural understanding.
Let your niece guide how you comfort her. I don't think there's a need to really explain things, unless she asks. I think 7 year olds probably understand death ok - they've probably seen it in insects and animals. But it's certainly more deep and painful when that death is someone you know, and your own mother. The best thing I think people can do is to not leave the 7 year old's side. Don't bother her with chatter, but hold her hand, keep an arm around her, tell her that her mother loves her, and keep her close. Most of the time just knowing that people are there for you, is more important than explaining everything.
I'm also very sorry for the loss of your SIL. :(
posted by raztaj at 9:14 AM on November 19, 2013
I don't think a 7 year old is too young to see her mom's body and casket. On the day my mom died, I vividly remember overhearing my dad and my oldest sister (19 at the time) discussing whether or not I should go to the funeral home and burial. I remember thinking "please don't make me go. I really, really don't want to go." Almost 23 years later, I'm really glad they made me go and see my mom's body, and give her a kiss. As an adult, I think it was the right decision to have that feeling of not being sheltered, and being encouraged to be included in everything - even if it was extremely difficult at the time.
My nieces and nephews saw my dad's body, when he died 2 years ago. They were 12, 9, and 5. I'm pretty sure it was the first body they had ever seen and the first person they knew that died - the 5 year old had a lot of questions, but the 12 and 9 year old had a pretty good natural understanding.
Let your niece guide how you comfort her. I don't think there's a need to really explain things, unless she asks. I think 7 year olds probably understand death ok - they've probably seen it in insects and animals. But it's certainly more deep and painful when that death is someone you know, and your own mother. The best thing I think people can do is to not leave the 7 year old's side. Don't bother her with chatter, but hold her hand, keep an arm around her, tell her that her mother loves her, and keep her close. Most of the time just knowing that people are there for you, is more important than explaining everything.
I'm also very sorry for the loss of your SIL. :(
posted by raztaj at 9:14 AM on November 19, 2013
Best answer: Book recommendation: Why Did You Die?: Activities to Help Children Cope with Grief and Loss describes children's grieving process and includes related activities. It's also completely secular.
posted by poodelina at 9:36 AM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by poodelina at 9:36 AM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Please be aware that some people don't think children should be forced to see dead relatives' bodies. You probably have other people and information about this issue (answers about it usually boil down to "it depends"), but it's something to consider if you haven't. There are stories out there on the net you can find.
I'm sorry for your loss, and your brother's loss. It's wonderful that you're helping out.
posted by amtho at 9:38 AM on November 19, 2013
I'm sorry for your loss, and your brother's loss. It's wonderful that you're helping out.
posted by amtho at 9:38 AM on November 19, 2013
My dad died when I was 4, and we were not religious. I absolutely knew and understood what happened. I think the 7-year-old is probably as good as she could get, really. I did go to the viewing and it was a little creepy but I was glad I did it because it really solidified what happened. Prior to that I wondered if people were putting me on, and as I approached I had visions of him popping up and saying "GOTCHA" or something, but when that didn't happen I really, really knew.
I'm sorry for your loss. Kids are super resilient, and long term this will probably be harder for the older sibling.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:42 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm sorry for your loss. Kids are super resilient, and long term this will probably be harder for the older sibling.
posted by masquesoporfavor at 9:42 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, and as for the viewing, I would just explain to her what's happening and ask her if she'd like to see the body. I've never been into it--it's not the person I love to me--but some people feel differently and she's old enough to make this decision for herself.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:43 AM on November 19, 2013
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:43 AM on November 19, 2013
Response by poster: Wow, this is a lot of great advice; thank you so much-and my heart goes out to all of you who are speaking from experience.
Let me clarify-I don't think I'm concerned so much with the mood swings, or feel she's not mournful enough, I mean, we've all spent the week alternating between hysterical laughter and choking back crying ourselves. I think it's just that I'm worried about what happens after today, when she goes back to a semi-normal routine-but without K around.
I definitely want to look into counseling for the both of them; we're not the most demonstrative family, and they'll need an outlet.
And thank you for calling me out for seeming like I was concentrating more on the littler one. SE's been with us for the past few days so she and R can be there for each other, and we're letting her know we're here for her, but she's also very much a Surname with our afore mentioned "ewww talking about feelings" mentality. I'm not sure how to get across to her that the door is always open without it seeming like I'm insisting on an intimacy that's not necessarily there. (did I forget to mention I live a thousand miles away?)
Again, thanks for the words and the condolences. I'm showing these answers to my brother and he's also appreciative.
posted by jacy at 10:45 AM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Let me clarify-I don't think I'm concerned so much with the mood swings, or feel she's not mournful enough, I mean, we've all spent the week alternating between hysterical laughter and choking back crying ourselves. I think it's just that I'm worried about what happens after today, when she goes back to a semi-normal routine-but without K around.
I definitely want to look into counseling for the both of them; we're not the most demonstrative family, and they'll need an outlet.
And thank you for calling me out for seeming like I was concentrating more on the littler one. SE's been with us for the past few days so she and R can be there for each other, and we're letting her know we're here for her, but she's also very much a Surname with our afore mentioned "ewww talking about feelings" mentality. I'm not sure how to get across to her that the door is always open without it seeming like I'm insisting on an intimacy that's not necessarily there. (did I forget to mention I live a thousand miles away?)
Again, thanks for the words and the condolences. I'm showing these answers to my brother and he's also appreciative.
posted by jacy at 10:45 AM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: PhoBWanKenobi: "Please don't tell her how she'll feel--rather, be there for her to listen. And, if possible, get her into weekly sessions with a good child therapist, particularly someone who does something like play therapy. She needs someone there who is there just for her, to listen and talk and not pressure her to have any particular sort of response. Kids are astute and will pick up on pressures to compartmentalize or react in certain ways. Death at this age can really, really screw up a kid, and I wish my mother and caregivers had made professional help available to me."
This, this, this. My mother died when I was 16. My little sister was 8. I turned out fine (well, at any rate I know what my hangups are I guess) but I really, really wish my sister had gotten some therapy. She spent so many years making bad decisions and still doesn't always feel like she deserves to be happy.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:00 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
This, this, this. My mother died when I was 16. My little sister was 8. I turned out fine (well, at any rate I know what my hangups are I guess) but I really, really wish my sister had gotten some therapy. She spent so many years making bad decisions and still doesn't always feel like she deserves to be happy.
posted by caution live frogs at 11:00 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My neice was about that age when her Grandfather who she shared a special bond with passed away. What we found helped was, listening to her, we answered all her questions as honestly as we could, and if we didn't know the answers or things were of a more spiritual nature we'd say we didn't know for sure but this is what I think.
Include her in the funeral arrangements, rituals and goodbyes are important. Find out if there is anything she wants to do to say good bye. Instead of flowers on my Dads coffin my niece wanted to put bees, because his nickname was Bee and he collected things with Bees on because of this. So she stood there at the end of the aisle at the service handing out Bee stickers for people to stick all over his coffin. My nephew and her also drew pictures to include in the casket and they put in a favourite stuffed toy.
He was cremated, and cremation was explained to her, and later on my whole family got together to help bury his ashes under a tree and she was involved in the digging of the hole and drank a toast with us at the "grave" side (that was something my brother wanted to do to say goodbye).
Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to but let her be part of what is going on. You don't have to talk about feelings, just sitting next to her and holding her hand so she knows her Aunt is still there is important.
posted by wwax at 11:10 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Include her in the funeral arrangements, rituals and goodbyes are important. Find out if there is anything she wants to do to say good bye. Instead of flowers on my Dads coffin my niece wanted to put bees, because his nickname was Bee and he collected things with Bees on because of this. So she stood there at the end of the aisle at the service handing out Bee stickers for people to stick all over his coffin. My nephew and her also drew pictures to include in the casket and they put in a favourite stuffed toy.
He was cremated, and cremation was explained to her, and later on my whole family got together to help bury his ashes under a tree and she was involved in the digging of the hole and drank a toast with us at the "grave" side (that was something my brother wanted to do to say goodbye).
Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to but let her be part of what is going on. You don't have to talk about feelings, just sitting next to her and holding her hand so she knows her Aunt is still there is important.
posted by wwax at 11:10 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Be prepared for her to ask surprisingly deep questions, and need lots of discussions, some of which may even make you or other adults uncomfortable. My kiddo lost two grandparents and a cat by age 5, and we were talking about death, what happens (or doesn't) after, if we were going to die, and when, and why is there death anyway, for at least a year after that. We weren't religious, so we didn't do the Heaven thing, except as a "some people think/but nobody knows" discussion. He's alternated between thinking there is an afterlife, and thinking there isn't, since then, but every now and then says something that tells you he still thinks about it. But every kid is different.
The 19-year-old is probably not holding together nearly as well as she seems, but maybe won't let her guard down easily in front of the whole family. She may also be protecting her sister or feeling pressure to step into the female caretaker role. In some ways she might have it worse than the little one; she had a longer relationship and more memories of her mom, and most likely none of her friends have lost a parent, so can't relate. My dad died when I was her age. It was the first real loss I'd suffered and it affected me in ways I didn't expect (like fatigue) that really freaked me out, but I also didn't want anyone to think I couldn't handle it.
posted by emjaybee at 11:23 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
The 19-year-old is probably not holding together nearly as well as she seems, but maybe won't let her guard down easily in front of the whole family. She may also be protecting her sister or feeling pressure to step into the female caretaker role. In some ways she might have it worse than the little one; she had a longer relationship and more memories of her mom, and most likely none of her friends have lost a parent, so can't relate. My dad died when I was her age. It was the first real loss I'd suffered and it affected me in ways I didn't expect (like fatigue) that really freaked me out, but I also didn't want anyone to think I couldn't handle it.
posted by emjaybee at 11:23 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
ask her if she'd like to see the body. I've never been into it--it's not the person I love to me
As soon as a person sees a body for the first time, they realise this. It's a very hard realisation though - as adults I think we always hesitate about bringing a child face-to-face with it.
Very sorry for your loss.
posted by glasseyes at 11:45 AM on November 19, 2013
As soon as a person sees a body for the first time, they realise this. It's a very hard realisation though - as adults I think we always hesitate about bringing a child face-to-face with it.
Very sorry for your loss.
posted by glasseyes at 11:45 AM on November 19, 2013
Best answer: We've explained to her that her mom isn't going to be coming back...We've told R how a lot of people who loved her mom are going to be there to celebrate her, but we're not quite sure how to explain that her body's there, but it's not her.
If you haven't already, you need to tell her these things using very clear terms. Some kids have trouble understanding when we use phrases adults would find perfectly understandable, 7 seems old enough to figure things out but different kids are at different places in their mental processing. Sometimes these "easier" ways of putting things lead to confusion later on, kids can be very literal and trying to explain things with allusions that make sense to adults won't quite get it across.
It's important to specifically tell her that her mom died, is dead now. She really needs to know the words, both to be able to talk about it and to relate what has happened to other things in life or in stories that she encounters.
You should also explain to her that it is called a funeral/wake/something else, and that people are going to be saying goodbye to her, that her body is there even though she is not, but the body will also be going away. You don't want that to come as a surprise later on.
I'm not sure how to get across to her that the door is always open
Call her on a regular schedule and occasionally bring up your own feelings.
posted by yohko at 11:55 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you haven't already, you need to tell her these things using very clear terms. Some kids have trouble understanding when we use phrases adults would find perfectly understandable, 7 seems old enough to figure things out but different kids are at different places in their mental processing. Sometimes these "easier" ways of putting things lead to confusion later on, kids can be very literal and trying to explain things with allusions that make sense to adults won't quite get it across.
It's important to specifically tell her that her mom died, is dead now. She really needs to know the words, both to be able to talk about it and to relate what has happened to other things in life or in stories that she encounters.
You should also explain to her that it is called a funeral/wake/something else, and that people are going to be saying goodbye to her, that her body is there even though she is not, but the body will also be going away. You don't want that to come as a surprise later on.
I'm not sure how to get across to her that the door is always open
Call her on a regular schedule and occasionally bring up your own feelings.
posted by yohko at 11:55 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
My father died when I was 7. One of the lesser bad aspects of this was, how annoying it was that various adults assumed that I didn't understand what this meant.
posted by thelonius at 12:11 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 12:11 PM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
In my city, we have a Center for Grieving Children that does an excellent job helping kids with this sort of loss. Here is their resource page if you don't have something similar near you.
posted by anastasiav at 12:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by anastasiav at 12:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
My father died when I was 50. When offered to see his body I started to go in and then, with all the energy I could muster, stopped. I didn't want to see him dead. I wanted to remember him alive. So, these feelings can happen at any stage in life.
As a father of two girls, I've found that children will ask all sorts of questions. What adults often don't understand is that simple, honest, and age appropriate answers is usually all it takes. When my oldest was about 8 she saw a billboard for the film The 40 Year Old Virgin and, just as I was merging onto the freeway she asked "What's a virgin?" I simply said "A virgin is someone who hasn't had sex yet." That seemed to satisfy her inquisitiveness.
I, too, am sorry for your and your family's loss. While this is certainly a sad time, children are resilient (often more than adults).
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 1:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
As a father of two girls, I've found that children will ask all sorts of questions. What adults often don't understand is that simple, honest, and age appropriate answers is usually all it takes. When my oldest was about 8 she saw a billboard for the film The 40 Year Old Virgin and, just as I was merging onto the freeway she asked "What's a virgin?" I simply said "A virgin is someone who hasn't had sex yet." That seemed to satisfy her inquisitiveness.
I, too, am sorry for your and your family's loss. While this is certainly a sad time, children are resilient (often more than adults).
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 1:13 PM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am so sorry for your loss.
Everybody above is giving great advice - not much to add, except remember grieving goes on for years and years, and is OK for years and years. We are in a similar situation, and try to remember how death and grief are a part of life, not separate from life.
And then what I really wanted to say: remember your brother and yourself. You need to grieve as well, and to share your grieving with everyone else. Obviously, you need to be adult, and strong. But the kids need to know it is as terrible for you.
posted by mumimor at 1:46 PM on November 19, 2013
Everybody above is giving great advice - not much to add, except remember grieving goes on for years and years, and is OK for years and years. We are in a similar situation, and try to remember how death and grief are a part of life, not separate from life.
And then what I really wanted to say: remember your brother and yourself. You need to grieve as well, and to share your grieving with everyone else. Obviously, you need to be adult, and strong. But the kids need to know it is as terrible for you.
posted by mumimor at 1:46 PM on November 19, 2013
Best answer: A friend of mine wrote and self-published the beautiful book "Is Daddy Coming Back In A Minute?" after her husband died, leaving her with two small children. It's probably aimed at kids a little younger than your guys, but it covers a lot of really useful things that children worry about after death, like what to do if you suddenly feel very sad at nursery/school, who would look after you if your other parent died, how long you've got until you die yourself etc.
Your question reminded me about this previous answer of mine wrt to seven-year-olds and grief (particularly the flipping in and out of grief). You might find the whole thread useful.
posted by penguin pie at 1:58 PM on November 19, 2013
Your question reminded me about this previous answer of mine wrt to seven-year-olds and grief (particularly the flipping in and out of grief). You might find the whole thread useful.
posted by penguin pie at 1:58 PM on November 19, 2013
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I'm not seeing from what you've said so far that there's any reason to suspect she doesn't get what's happening - can you clarify why you think so?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:37 AM on November 19, 2013 [3 favorites]