How do I get over a platonic workplace crush?
November 15, 2013 12:44 PM Subscribe
I've had a platonic crush (aka squish) on a male co-worker for the past six months or so. Even though I'm a woman and we're both heterosexual, it is not in the least sexual. If we were men, it would be called a "man crush" or "bromance". (FWIW, I'm happily married, and he's happily engaged, both to people of the opposite sex.) It's not mutual. He sees me as a friend and colleague, while I idolize him, even though I'm aware of some of his flaws, including that his social skills aren't very good, and he occasionally does or says something that inadvertently hurts me (he wouldn't deliberately harm a fly), especially because he underestimates my professional competence. Anyway, I wish I didn't care what he thought of me. Any advice for getting over this crush, besides time and distance?
I would treat this as I would any other crush - distance, honesty, and some self-analysis, as restless_nomad describes above.
In fact, I would be explicitly wary of telling yourself that it's in any fundamental way different than any other crush. Even though you're not feeling the urge to jump his bones at the moment, if you're feeling the limerence (the idolizing, the obsessive thoughts, the hyper-sensitivity) it's a crush...and that's okay! You can be happily married and have crushes. The thing is, though, that crushes most often spin out of control and do real damage when they come in under the guise of a platonic relationship.
I've seen this happen most often when people talk about their 'work husbands' or 'work wives,' but it also happens in instances of, like, 'my oldest friend from college,' or whatever. Sometimes, you don't feel that physical attraction right away, and so even though you're directing a disproportionate amount of your mental and emotional energy obsessing about the person, the usual alarm bells don't go off; it feels 'safe.' But then, when the physical attraction does kick in, you're already super invested and kind of locked into the person, and it can be really, really hard to pull away.
Again, I don't think it's bad that you have a crush! Just be aware that the line between platonic and not is never quite as bold and definitive as it seems, and try to be as responsible and self-aware as you can, both for the sake of your friendship with this guy and for the sake of your marriage.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 1:44 PM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]
In fact, I would be explicitly wary of telling yourself that it's in any fundamental way different than any other crush. Even though you're not feeling the urge to jump his bones at the moment, if you're feeling the limerence (the idolizing, the obsessive thoughts, the hyper-sensitivity) it's a crush...and that's okay! You can be happily married and have crushes. The thing is, though, that crushes most often spin out of control and do real damage when they come in under the guise of a platonic relationship.
I've seen this happen most often when people talk about their 'work husbands' or 'work wives,' but it also happens in instances of, like, 'my oldest friend from college,' or whatever. Sometimes, you don't feel that physical attraction right away, and so even though you're directing a disproportionate amount of your mental and emotional energy obsessing about the person, the usual alarm bells don't go off; it feels 'safe.' But then, when the physical attraction does kick in, you're already super invested and kind of locked into the person, and it can be really, really hard to pull away.
Again, I don't think it's bad that you have a crush! Just be aware that the line between platonic and not is never quite as bold and definitive as it seems, and try to be as responsible and self-aware as you can, both for the sake of your friendship with this guy and for the sake of your marriage.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 1:44 PM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]
One thing I saw here on askme that's helped me is to tell your husband about it. He can maybe help you find the things about the crush that you are seeking, he can tease you about it, he can help you make it something that isn't such a big deal.
And once it's not such a big deal, it's a Lot easier to get over.
posted by ldthomps at 2:00 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
And once it's not such a big deal, it's a Lot easier to get over.
posted by ldthomps at 2:00 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
You are going out of your way to say it's "platonic " "we're happily happy with our outstanding partners " "here's urban dictionary explaining how it's all asexual and such " "we're just like 2 bros." Perhaps you should consider what you're really playing with here.
What you describe is a coworker who thinks you're a bit of a flake. This alone should be a wake up call that you break this up quick and find your solid track to success in the workplace.
posted by Kruger5 at 4:18 PM on November 15, 2013
What you describe is a coworker who thinks you're a bit of a flake. This alone should be a wake up call that you break this up quick and find your solid track to success in the workplace.
posted by Kruger5 at 4:18 PM on November 15, 2013
Nothing you describe is professional behavior on your part.
Do you see yourself as a Professional?
If so start there.
That he negates your professional abilities is a Red Flag.
No longer give him ( silent ) permission to judge you. You should start judging him.
He sounds like a charismatic user.
You are being used in a fashion. Sorry .
posted by jbenben at 4:43 AM on November 16, 2013
Do you see yourself as a Professional?
If so start there.
That he negates your professional abilities is a Red Flag.
No longer give him ( silent ) permission to judge you. You should start judging him.
He sounds like a charismatic user.
You are being used in a fashion. Sorry .
posted by jbenben at 4:43 AM on November 16, 2013
Even happily married people, like you say you are, sometimes take their spouse for granted. Why not focus some of your attention and energy on why you fell in love with your husband and having a good time with him. It can't hurt and could help.
posted by espertus at 11:47 AM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by espertus at 11:47 AM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Original poster here with a new account:
I appreciate the advice from restless_nomad, pretentious illiterate, ldthoms, and espertus. FYI, I told my husband long ago, although I didn't use the word "crush" because I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea. He knows that I idolize the co-worker and that I've been hurt by things he has said or done (such as failing to include me in meetings that concern our joint work).
Other respondents seem to have read in things that aren't there. While I said my co-worker underestimates me, he doesn't think I'm "a bit of a flake". He thinks of me as professionally solid and promising, when I'm actually quite accomplished (and higher on the corporate ladder than he is).
I'm not sure where jbenben gets the idea that the co-worker is a "charismatic user" . I said that the co-worker lacks in social skills, and he wouldn't knowingly hurt a fly. He's a stereotypical nerd and nice guy, even though he can sometimes be clueless. The last thing he'd want would be to be the target of a workplace crush of any sort.
I think just identifying this as a crush has been helpful, and I appreciate the advice about crushes, including trying to understand them, not feeling guilty, being transparent to my husband, and focusing more of my energy and attention on my husband.
posted by anonymousy at 12:20 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I appreciate the advice from restless_nomad, pretentious illiterate, ldthoms, and espertus. FYI, I told my husband long ago, although I didn't use the word "crush" because I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea. He knows that I idolize the co-worker and that I've been hurt by things he has said or done (such as failing to include me in meetings that concern our joint work).
Other respondents seem to have read in things that aren't there. While I said my co-worker underestimates me, he doesn't think I'm "a bit of a flake". He thinks of me as professionally solid and promising, when I'm actually quite accomplished (and higher on the corporate ladder than he is).
I'm not sure where jbenben gets the idea that the co-worker is a "charismatic user" . I said that the co-worker lacks in social skills, and he wouldn't knowingly hurt a fly. He's a stereotypical nerd and nice guy, even though he can sometimes be clueless. The last thing he'd want would be to be the target of a workplace crush of any sort.
I think just identifying this as a crush has been helpful, and I appreciate the advice about crushes, including trying to understand them, not feeling guilty, being transparent to my husband, and focusing more of my energy and attention on my husband.
posted by anonymousy at 12:20 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
« Older Massage Therapists Help Me NOT Be That Client | How do I invest according to my ethics? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Time and distance help a bunch, too, as does not indulging in daydreaming about the awesome broventures you want to have together, but figuring out why you're into them and then dealing with that has always worked best for me.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:03 PM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]