I have trouble talking about myself sometimes.

October 25, 2013 9:02 PM

How come? How can I be more comfortable with this?

I have started online dating on OKCupid. It's going well in a lot of ways. I've met interesting people that I like talking to and I have a sense for what I am looking for and am sort of enjoying the process. I genuinely really like talking to people and I like finding out what people are interested in and their general perspective on the world. But sometimes in conversation I notice I am really good at the side of getting others to talk about themselves and chiming in about general topics and empathizing but I feel awkward or clam up when asked about questions specifically about my life. It's like I get super self conscious and I feel like I'm fumbling around for my words. I like my life, and I don't have anything particular to hide. But when I'm asked certain (standard) open ended questions about my life it brings out some kind of insecurity. Or to be honest, I think it's a fear about being judged or feeling on the spot in some way? I was out with a guy today, and he said at one point, "Hey, I feel like I'm kind of dominating the conversation" and when he asked me stuff I got nervous and started feeling like I was rambling.

I'm kind of trying to figure out why I am uncomfortable with self disclosure in this setting and ways to get over it. I feel fairly comfortable in other settings but maybe I generally tend toward asking things more than talking about myself.

posted by mermily to Human Relations (6 answers total)

Try just maintaining your composure when you're having a first conversation with a new acquaintance. Focus on composure. Nonverbal communication represents two-thirds of all communication , so relax your shoulders, look interested and content (or whatever), and confident, and set the pace of your conversation. I think you'll experience a kind of positive reinforcement that will serve as an icebreaker and the words will flow out of you naturally. At least, this is advice I'd have benefited from a few years back.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 9:27 PM on October 25, 2013

But when I'm asked certain (standard) open ended questions about my life it brings out some kind of insecurity. Or to be honest, I think it's a fear about being judged or feeling on the spot in some way?

The way I deal with this is to be happy to talk about a particular aspect or two of all the standard early-dating conversational fare. If my date asks me about my family, I have one or two things lined up about my mom and my sisters and how great they are, etc. But I don't mention word one about my father because there be dragons. All anyone can conclude from the omission is that I didn't mention him, and there's not really any judging you can do for that. After all I mentioned plenty of good stuff about family, right? The same for work, what I do for fun, my constellation of beliefs, I cherry pick the best bits and line 'em up on the front row.

The downsides and the bummers in life, and everyone has those too, can come further down the road.

There's a good side to any of the rote life junk that comes up at that stage of dating. That's why it comes first, you get the opportunity to be attractive to one another! You just have to be the first one to recognize the good in you, and by doing so you show others how to appreciate who you are. Your ability to see the positive side of aspects of your life and, if necessary, acknowledge learning experiences you've had will come off as super-confident and attractive. Try putting some thought into the really cool aspects of your life, what about them makes you joyful, and how they shape who you are as a person. Practice too—Write out the things you want to communicate about your life (sometimes can become good profile fodder, to boot!) , imagine yourself rattling them off like you were telling an old joke, and then maybe do it in the mirror a few times too.

It's a lot like any other kind of speech; the more you practice the better you get at it. And the better you get at honestly appreciating yourself and your life, the easier it is for others to follow suit.
posted by carsonb at 9:57 PM on October 25, 2013

I suggest deflecting quickly to some speech genre you're more comfortable with. Personally, I don't like answering overly general questions about myself, but I don't at all mind sharing opinions or anecdotes about specific things. So in a casual conversation I could answer "Tell me about your family" or "What do you do for fun" not with nice, tidy overviews or even a simple list of relevant topics and labels, but I could deflect and say, "Ha, you know, there's a lot to say about that, but the first thing that comes to mind is just something that happened last weekend ..."

I'm assuming your difficulty is different from mine, but I'd guess there still might be some way you could hold up your end of the conversation by shifting the terms of the question a little.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 10:04 PM on October 25, 2013

For the standard questions, think in advance about what you can give as an answer. It's not like they have personalized the question just for you, you don't have to offer an original answer you've never given to the question before.

Yes, this can end up seeming similar to a job interview. As a rule of thumb, the more your date reminds you of a job interview, the less chemistry you have.
posted by yohko at 10:36 PM on October 25, 2013

Generally, people remember about 10% of new facts they hear, after a single hearing. So my strategy has always been, when asked personal questions about family, work, etc., to give the interested party the whole story, in 2 minute elevator summary fashion, complete with full names, dates and locales. On family issues, I generally start in about 1875, with my grandparents meeting one another, and toss in all their brothers and sisters and such, and take it down through my parents, and their siblings, and to myself and my siblings, and on to my kids and my nieces and nephews, and my grandkids, etc. In two to four minutes, I give you more than 60 names to remember, tied to 8 states, and probably 20 cities or towns you never heard of, and if you don't remember it all, and I know you won't, you really can't question me further on particulars, unless you want to look like someone who simply can't listen and remember.

Generally, it works a treat. Everybody who's ever met me has been told everything about me that's worth knowing, right up front, and most remember nothing in particular, ever after. Only those that come to matter to me, ever get a repeat.
posted by paulsc at 11:41 PM on October 25, 2013

I'm like you: active listening and asking questions of folks (particularly ones I've just met) is totally within my natural comfort zone, and I generally hate talking about myself and being the center of attention. I'm INFJ on the Myers-Briggs. But guess what? These qualities have made me a well-liked person, and I rarely put my foot in my mouth because I feel people out first before speaking. (There, I've just talked about myself - much easier to do online than IRL.) A lot of other people seem to enjoy public attention and validation more than I do, and are comfy talking about themselves, so it is sort of easy for me to click with them by simply being my natural self and making it mostly about them.

Honestly, so few people even seem to notice when they're doing all the talking. That being said, people truly worth knowing better do notice it, and show you they would like to reciprocate - maybe they don't like feeling like they are doing all the talking and are wondering what you think. So throw them a bone and have a few brief anecdotes ready to share about yourself. You could even practice saying them to yourself in front of the mirror a few times.

There's nothing wrong with being the person in the conversation who always knows the other person better.
posted by hush at 7:04 AM on October 26, 2013