How can me and my boyfriend reach a compromise?

October 4, 2005 10:22 PM

Me and my boyfriend just had a long phone conversation in which I got upset and he got frustrated because he didn't understand what I wanted. It all ended in giggles and silly jokes, but the issue wasn't really resolved. Help us sort it out?

I'm 18, he's 19. We've been together for a year and 7 months. For the last year he's been at university and I've been at home, and now I'm at a different university to him. We see each other every other weekend, spend pretty much all our time together during holidays and talk on the phone every day.

However, call me a needy female or whatever you like, but I need to hear from him more than once a day. Little things like text messages, a short phone call, whatever, just something so that I know that he loves me and thinks about me occasionally. (Of course I know *really*, but I need the reassurance).

He doesn't understand why I need all that, and I don't like having to spell out to him "Text me sometimes?" because I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I want him to. See where the problem is here?

Anyway, the conclusion that we reached is that this is a typical male/female problem and that we are both exhibiting very typical behaviour for our respective genders. We'd like to reach some kind of compromise so that we're both happy with how things work, but we need insight from older and wiser people. Care to give any?

Just saying "this is how it works, deal with it" won't be very helpful.

posted by anonymous to human relations (24 comments total)

Anyway, the conclusion that we reached is that this is a typical male/female problem

This is wrong. Don't settle into this way of thinking because it just affirms that you are right and he is right, but there's no way for you to come together and agree. You're both individuals and you can (must) arrive at some agreement of what works for both of you.

You want lots of contact, and it sounds like he wants some room to focus on his day, which, right now, is spent away from you. You both have to give a little. You have to give generously, not out of oblgation. He has to call you more than once a day sometimes, and you have to be okay on the days when that doesn't happen.

Give up all debate of what's right and wrong, and how women are versus men. That's all irrelevant bullshit. The only question is how you're going to get along together. The worst case scenario is where you get into an argument about who's fucked up: him for not being attentive enough, or you for being needy. Don't go there. Work it out with respect for each others individuality. If he simply doesn't meet your needs, leave the relationship and be more up front about what you require next time.

And FWIW, I personally would find this requirement extremely oppressive. I'm not the one you're dating, of course, but he's not the only one who feels the way he does.
posted by scarabic at 10:59 PM on October 4, 2005

I don't think it's typical gender behaviour. I'm female and hate being called every day (or worse, more) to answer the question "what are you doing" ("Well now I'm talking to you, aren't I") and suchlike.

To want him to text/call you "more than once a day" to show he thinks about you "occasionally" seems like a time mismatch to me. Occasionally is not several times a day. Several times a day is a serious disruption of your daily time flow and it seems to me that what you expect is for him to miss you so much that it interferes with other things he is doing.

Um. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you need to give him some space. If you let this become an issue he might start to feel suffocated.
posted by Skyanth at 11:01 PM on October 4, 2005

If I were him, I would feel pretty smothered. You don't want his [x] daily communications with you to become a horrible chore, do you?

You can't force someone to want to do something. Almost everyone's needy when they're 19.

"This is how it works, deal with it" is, in fact, remarkably good advice, here.

If you can't deal with it, then find someone else who will feed your ego enough to keep you happy.
posted by zerolives at 11:02 PM on October 4, 2005

Setting any sort of "I want you to want to do this without me having to tell you to do this" criterion upon a relationship is a damned-if-ya-do/don't kind of thing. Clearly, if he already wanted to call you twice or more a day, he already would be doing so and it wouldn't be a problem. So either you don't tell him to call you, and then he upsets you by not calling, or you have to tell him to call, and he upsets you by not knowing to call. There is no way for him to win, except for him to be someone else who acts differently.

If you want him to contact you at least twice a day, then you need to tell him that. That is the only way to make sure that he understands that is what you want, and the only way that you can begin to forge a compromise that is somewhere in between 2+ times a day every day, and the current rate at which he wants to get in touch with you.

I know it's an old cliche, but some people really do need absence to make their heart grow fonder. Some people can't miss someone and feel good things about that person if never get a chance to not be in contact with them. His not calling doesn't mean that he's not thinking about you.
posted by 23skidoo at 11:15 PM on October 4, 2005

My boyfriend likes to be texted a couple times a day when we're apart, even just to say "HI!!!! OMG LOL" or whatever. Heh.

But I'm the kind of person who can exist in isolation for weeks at a time, so I first thought that little bits of regular communication would be annoying and disruptive.

Now I quite like it. I know it makes him feel good, and that makes me feel good, and it feels good when he pings me too--and I don't have to drop whatever work I'm doing, because it's just a text.

(Ah, well, I was trying to only talk about my experience, but I am compelled to say that your boyfriend should consider the rewards of making other people happy. St. Augustine and all that crap. And I suppose that goes for you too...)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:32 PM on October 4, 2005

Here's a thing that might help: he (and this is in my experience typical of males) may simply take longer to start missing you than you do to start missing him. You think about him and wish madly that he was there with you right now. He, on the other hand, thinks about you and gets a warm glow remembering the last time he talked to you or held you.

It may be a day, two days, even a week before the warm glow thing stops working and he needs to talk to you again to replenish it.

You just have to accept that he is in fact thinking of you and getting that warm glow when he does. And try to cultivate the same behavior in yourself, it may help. On the flipside, he could try actually missing you once in a while instead of just reminiscing about you, or at least understand that you miss him faster than he does.

This is something I personally am pretty bad at at the age of 36-going-on-37-in-a-week, so don't think you can teach him any differently. Even after twenty years of dealing with the fairer sex, I tend to automatically assume that women have as many things they're interested in as I do and that they only think about the relationship when they're not doing something else. For many women, however, the point of the relationship is doing everything together and the very idea of their SO having a life without them is hurtful.

Men and women do vary; you may find another guy who suits you better. To some it comes naturally; others have determined to make a sustained conscious effort.
posted by kindall at 11:36 PM on October 4, 2005

Wow, everyone really is different. My boyfriend and I live a few blocks apart and we don't talk every day.
posted by keatsandyeats at 11:39 PM on October 4, 2005

Wow. I've been in almost the same situation. Only I'm the guy, and my (on and off) long-distance girlfriend is just like you. (So I'm no older or wiser.) And, starting our second year of doing this, I'm just now feeling like I want to call her as much as she wants to be called.

Last year and part of this year, I "never called enough" or "visited enough" or whatever. And I had to remind her that I had to live my life and she had to live hers and I'd call when I could.

So here's why I think things have changed. YMMV and it may not apply to you. After an extended separation this summer, we got back together rather quickly and I wasn't optimistic things would be different. And at first they weren't.

But at some point, something changed. Rather than complaining and fighting, she started being really sweet, and far more open-minded sexually than she had been. It's not all about, or even mostly about, the sex. But being nice -- in every aspect -- certainly helped. Now I want to call her, and text her, and say I love her. Maybe not quite as much as she'd like ideally, but I think she's happy and I am too.

Added note, and probably more helpful -- Tell him you'd like him to text. Him not doing it doesn't mean he doesn't want to, just that it's either not on his radar or he doesn't know you'd appreciate it. Mention it once, or send him some, or something. If he doesn't pick up, bring it up occasionally until he does. He will not do it on his own, I promise ;-)

Best of luck, as I know this situation can be tough. But focus on making it as rewarding as possible and you'll both be very happy.
posted by SuperNova at 11:55 PM on October 4, 2005

I remember when I was in college, we called in the Thanksgiving rule - all the high school sweethearts would have broken up by thanksgiving. If it wasn't in the freshman year it was definitely by the sophomore year.

Not to say that all relationships going into college are doomed - I have some friends who stayed together all through college at different universities and are now married - but you are describing something that sounds familiar.

It sounds to me like the guy feels like he's missing out at school because everyone is going around and having a blast and he can't completely enjoy himself because he is in a relationship. The more pressure he gets to call and communicate, the more he could feel that way. I don't know the guy, but I have been in that position, said the same things, and felt that way.

"Give him space" is an easy thing to say, but I think what he really needs to feel is that he can have his own life and not miss out on college social life. I don't think that means he has to be sleeping around with sorority girls, but it does mean you have to help him feel like he's not missing out on stuff.
posted by BigBrownBear at 2:11 AM on October 5, 2005

It sounds to me like the guy feels like he's missing out at school because everyone is going around and having a blast and he can't completely enjoy himself because he is in a relationship.

This is always possible, I suppose, but I don't see how you can diagnose that just because a guy who sees his girlfriend every other weekend and talks on the phone with her every day doesn't text-message her several times a day. Yes, most college relationships that started in high school end within the first year, but, as you acknowledged, there are some beautiful exceptions, and I personally don't see any indicators of real trouble in the question. And remember, they've been living in different places and making this relationship work for a year already... seems like a lot of the relationships that last a full year under those circumstances last a lot longer.
posted by musicinmybrain at 5:33 AM on October 5, 2005

I realize anonymous isn't going to actually answer the question, but:

How often do you text *him* every day?

If you want daily communication to be a habitual thing in your relationship, make it a habit. Text him a little joke or email him when you've got a few free minutes. Let him answer your communications to get in the habit of being in touch more than once a day. Don't make them huge, time-consuming message chains. Maybe eventually he'll come around to the point that he initiates some of these short little contacts that you desire.

And for god's sake, give up on this:

I don't like having to spell out to him "Text me sometimes?" because I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I want him to.

You want the impossible. You want your boy to want exactly what you want for the same reasons you want it. You and he are not the same person, you're two different people in a relationship. That he would do it because you asked, that he would do it to make you happy, that he wants to make you happy should be what you're looking for here, not that he's constantly thinking the same thoughts as you.
posted by jacquilynne at 5:47 AM on October 5, 2005

What's going to happen when you two break up, and you realize you've defined your life around him?
posted by malp at 6:49 AM on October 5, 2005

Hold on— more than once a DAY? I know this might not be great advice for the given question, but if my girlfriend insisted on that, I'd have dumped her when we lived apart for a year. I hate talking on the phone. The only thing that made it tolerable at all was that it was to her, and I loved her. But twice a day? That's so damn clingly!
So, to you, get a life of your own. Then it won't matter so much that he's not calling every second of every day. Do things that you enjoy and become your own person. Don't rely on him for validation or whatever.
posted by klangklangston at 7:02 AM on October 5, 2005

I don't like having to spell out to him "Text me sometimes?" because I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I want him to.

This immediately sent up a big red flag for me. He's not psychic. If you want something from him, you have to ask.

This was hard for me to learn and get used to, but it has paid off. An example from my life: After my daughter was born, I wanted my husband to recognize mother's day for me a card, flowers, something. My first mother's day he didn't do anything for me and I was so hurt. Eventually I sucked it up and talked to him about it (calmly). He felt like a heel. It hadn't occurred to him because he thought of it as something that a kid should do for their mother and I'm not his mom. Once I explained how I felt, he wanted to do something for me because he knew it would make me happy. So the next mother's day he was really sweet and gave me a card and flowers and got our 1 yr old to sign the card and took me out for supper.

If I was stubborn and had continued to expect him to magically know what I wanted, he never would have guessed and I would have missed out on that beautiful experience of being a little spoiled. But once I asked, he was happy to oblige and lo and behold! I got what I wanted.

Remember: He is not psychic.
posted by raedyn at 7:59 AM on October 5, 2005

"This is how it works, deal with it" may not be very helpful in you getting what you want but it could be helpful in you realizing that for most people, more than once a day is unrealistic. Why do you need him to be in contact with you that often? If you really require that much reassurance, I'd either take a second look at the relationship or a second look at yourself. Did you require that he communicate that often when you were still at home, or is this a new thing since you've started college? Are you lonely?

Don't become one of those girls for whom college is merely a filler in between Boyfriend. I'm sure all colleges have them, mine certainly did. The girls who could never go out because their boyfriend was going to call, the ones who had everything packed Thursday night so the minute class ended on Friday they could jet right home to the boyfriend. Because what will inevitably happen is that there will come a time when he starts missing those phone calls or when he wants to spend a weekend with the friends he was making while you were sitting at home waiting for him to call. And by that time, the people who were interested in becoming your friend have given up because they were tired of your obsession with your boyfriend.

Maybe that's not how you are, I don't know. But if you fill your life with friends and activities and things to do and you're not busy keeping track of how many times he's texted you and whether he's fulfilled the requirement, the once daily phone calls will be enough - and possibly too much eventually.

I think a better thing to be asking (yourself) would be why you feel you need so much reassurance rather than how you can make him want to do something you want him to do.
posted by undertone at 8:06 AM on October 5, 2005

It sounds like the long-distance relationship thing isn't working for you.
posted by Sara Anne at 8:07 AM on October 5, 2005

Share your life with him by texting him often with comments about your day, jokes, notes, etc. When he replies, even if it's not to every message, just text back with more of the same, and an occasional comment about how much you appreciate hearing from him, sharing his day, thinking about him.
posted by theora55 at 8:47 AM on October 5, 2005

Well, hellooooo, Freshman Me.

Look...I'm sure you love your boyfriend, and he loves you. But he's away, and he's got his own friends, and you should be getting yours. The first few weeks of college suck like a sucking thing - you're all traveling in packs, you don't know anyone really well and you miss your boyfriend like crazy. But instead of obsessing over him....go out. Join a club, have fun, fill your days with something other than thinking constantly, endlessly about him. You'll have fabby things to tell him during your phone conversations (still once a day? Maybe less, even?), and you won't be glued to this one thing.

I was wild over my boyfriend freshman year. We were the Perfect Couple and I came home every other weekend to see him and we talked constantly online. And we broke up over winter break because he'd figured out he was gay. NOT saying this will happen to you--but realize that college changes people, you as well as him. And that maybe you both need a little more breathing room.
posted by kalimac at 8:49 AM on October 5, 2005

Tell him you'd like him to text.

Yeah this is a simple point but a good one! Ask for it as something you desire and appreciate. Don't tell him it's something he should already know he's supposed to do.

Be very careful to stay on the correct side of that line when you guys talk about this.

This is a bizarre analogy, but imagine that you lived together and he asked you to fellate him several times a day. It's not all that bizarre. It's an expression of love. It's a basic gestrure that brings him pleasure. But unless he's an idiot, he wouldn't phrase it like "Well, you're my girlfriend and you love me, right? So why wouldn't you fellate me several times a day?" If he had any brains (and hope) at all, he'd say something more along the lines of "I really love it when you go down on me and I want to ask you to do it more, much more, in fact, every day would really be amazing and make me so happy. Can you work on doing it more often, as often as you can?"

And... continuing on the premise that he's smart, he'd be thrilled with 3 times a week.

Just something random to think about. If you can understand the perspective of "I don't know what he's thinking, like I'm going to drop what I'm doing and get on my knees for 20 minutes several times a day? Is he crazy?" then you can maybe understand how the several phone calls per day just to stroke your emotions could become interruptive and seem perfunctory.
posted by scarabic at 9:07 AM on October 5, 2005 [1 favorite]

Tell him you'd like him to text. Him not doing it doesn't mean he doesn't want to, just that it's either not on his radar or he doesn't know you'd appreciate it.

You really should do this - one of the must frustrating things (for me at least) in relationships has been the feeling that I have failed to read someone's mind, and then been held responsible or judged for it.
posted by advil at 9:21 AM on October 5, 2005

I don't like having to spell out to him "Text me sometimes?" because I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I want him to. See where the problem is here?

While this isn't what I'd call a typical male/female problem it's a not-uncommon relationship problem. Part of it may just be language, and part of it seems to be about setting realistic expectations.

When you said "I need to hear from him once a day" do you mean "need"? Do you mean that you'd rather break up with your boyfriend instead of hearing from him less than that? Is once a day the barest minimum of contact, or is it what you would like, and what you expect? If you need this contact, you probably should let him know that. If you want him to contact you all on his own, well it seems that he doesn't, or doesn't to your satisfaction. So what do you do now?

Keep in mind that it's your business what your needs and wants and expectations are, but since you're trying to go back and forth with another person on this, you may want to make sure you're sure of your own feelings. So, if once a day is the bare minimum you can stand, then your boyfriend has an obvious choice. If once a day is your starting point, you may want to think where the unacceptable line is and try to meet him halfway. Maybe if you had regular times to chat/text/call/whatever you wouldn't feel so much like you wanted him to randomly check in?

When I had a long distance boyfriend once we'd have a notebook that we'd swap back and forth so that when I was thinking about him, I'd write in it, doodle in it, whatever. One week I'd have it, one week he'd have it and when we were together we could look at the notebook and use it as a jumping off point to discuss our weeks apart. That may not be a solution to your particular dilemma, but I'd start by thinking "what problem am I trying to solve?" and then follow up with "is there any other way to solve this" The problem isn't so much that your bf won't text you specifically, it's that you want to feel reassured that he's thinking about you and he doesn't see why this is important. Compromising on some level of contact where you can both consider it enough for your own purposes and yet respectful of the other person's different feelings about how much contact is enough/too much shoudl be the goal, not making one of you understand and bow to the "more rational" desires of the other.
posted by jessamyn at 11:55 AM on October 5, 2005

He doesn't understand why I need all that, and I don't like having to spell out to him "Text me sometimes?" because I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I want him to. See where the problem is here?

Yes. Yes, I see the problem. You are a crazy person.

Crazy. Nutters. Whackjob. Fell off the insane tree and hit every branch on the way down. You keep up this "WHY WON'T HE READ MY MIND AND KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT FROM HIM???" crap and he will dump you like anything.

This male/female thing bullshit? That is bullshit. You drop that right now. The only reason he and you and all your friends agree on it is because you've all been told that's the way it is so that's how you act, and one day you will get older and realize that is not how the world works--but it would save you a good deal of pain and stupidity if you figured that out now. That way you could actually fix the problem instead of chattering on about how men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

If I were your boyfriend I would feel smothered by the demand of all-contact, all-the-time. I would want to know why you need this, and if we couldn't figure that out I would probably not be able to deal with it for very long.

You need to communicate exactly what you want from him and why you want it. And then you need to ask yourself why you need that reassurance that he loves you, and wonder if maybe it has something to do with just starting college and feeling alone and separated from home and wanting to just be in contact with him. And if it does, then let him know so he doesn't read it as an arbitrary "I can't tell you why I want this, I just want it so give it to me" demand made by a crazy person.
posted by schroedinger at 12:37 PM on October 5, 2005

Don't listen to people who are telling you you're crazy. That's neither helpful nor accurate.

You're learning the fundamental lesson of diversity, which is that other people may not share your exact idea of what behavior is appropriate in a given situation. You're young and you're apart for the first time; it's not surprising that you're having a hard time with this.

As other people have said, if you'd like a daily text message, you can ask for it.

Some people hesitate to ask for things because they aren't sure it's "reasonable" to ask for them, or they're afraid they might get "no" for an answer. But it's all right to ask for anything you'd like, even if it is unreasonable. And if you get no for an answer, that doesn't mean the conversation is over. The particular solution you've requested (daily text messages) probably isn't the only way for you to get the reassurance you're hoping for. Your boyfriend may be able to suggest something that's better suited to his schedule and habits.
posted by tangerine at 1:24 PM on October 5, 2005 [1 favorite]

As other people are saying, it's diversity and differing expectations about what a relationship means and how love should be expressed.

I'm female and had a similar situation with a platonic female friend. She moved to another city and wanted much more contact than I was able or willing to give - I was happy with an email a week and a phone call every fortnight or so, but she wanted much more email contact and a phone call every week. If she didn't get that, she felt I didn't care about her and wasn't thinking about her. She did contact me that often, but I would feel swamped by all the emails building up and guilty about not responding to her in what she thought was a timely fashion. It was one factor contributing to a drawn-out and painful ending of the friendship. We had different ideas about what friendship meant, and how friends should support one another.

Your boyfriend might not mind more frequent contact, but might be unsure how you'd take it - in which case you're doing him a favour by letting him know you would welcome it. Or it might be a major problem for his routine, or a minor but annoying intrusion into his day, in which case another solution needs to be found.

I think the trick here is to ask for what you want, but also to tell him why you want it. It's more useful for him if he knows that you don't want contact for the sake of contact but because you feel insecure or unloved or neglected if you don't get it. That way, even if it's a problem for him to have such frequent contact, you might be able to come to some compromise. Or he might be able to find another way for you to feel loved, valued and needed without him having to contact you so much.
posted by andraste at 7:52 PM on October 5, 2005