Double expresso please

September 29, 2013 8:24 PM

How have significant others helped you while you were under exam pressure ?

Sister is currently studying for IB exams (held in five weeks).

We live one hour apart and I visit her weekly bringing her groceries etc.

Recent conversation was full of uncharacteristic pessimism: sadness (at the thought of not doing as well as she hopes), anxiety, hopelessness and fatigue. She is very bright, in the gifted program and usually very happy. This legarthy affects her studies: does not know where to start, panics, does nothing for the day, feels guilty and repeats. Parents not in the picture and I am the only one close to her.

I've tentatively raised the possibility of depression and she flat out refuses to see anyone nor consider medication/ therapy (associates them negatively with a family member in the past with severe depression).

We are very close and it tears me up to see her like this. I've tried helping her plan out a study schedule, prepare her meals (she's not eating right), drive her to tutors and letting her talk/ vent to me as much as possible. Also have tried to back off and just let her know I am here if she needs anything.

Is there anything else I could do?

Were there anything otheres did for you during stressful times that really help you?

posted by oink to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Sometimes what I needed to hear the most from my loved ones was -

'I love you no matter what happens. Your results are not you.'

My family used to do really lovely things like giving me homemade meals, or extra cash to buy healthy takeaways, and so on. That was all great. But sometimes I reached a point where I was freaking out so much from the pressure I was putting on myself, that all I needed was for someone to make it less of a big deal.

So, I'd suggest sending her a card in the mail, telling her how proud you are of her efforts (as opposed to any results). And of her just being her - you know, independent of her academic achievements.

You're an awesome sister.
posted by Salamander at 8:34 PM on September 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

Care package with gum, granola bars, nuts, bottles of water and a card.
posted by HMSSM at 8:40 PM on September 29, 2013

Yeah, there are some basic things, like bringing coffee/tea, meals, etc. But Salamander is right: what she probably most needs to hear is that she's awesome and it will all be okay. Probably the most useful thing was the time my partner made me sit down, eat a meal, and sleep for eight hours, even though I was really insistent that I needed most of those hours to write. (Spoiler: I did not.) I don't think depression is something easily diagnosed at all, and certainly not over the internet. However, your description sounds pretty much like many panicked students under a lot of deadlines or during a particularly bad semester. Sometimes it's really hard to mentally cope with pressure when it's coming from a lot of sides, especially internally. Does she have friends in the program? A mentor or dean? Are you allowed to mention these concerns to them or see what resources (not necessarily counseling, but maybe time management or group study sessions) she might be missing that could help her balance this all out?
posted by jetlagaddict at 8:41 PM on September 29, 2013

Best answer: It sounds like she doesn't drive and so she can only get to the tutor if you drive her when you go there once a week, right?

Is it possible for you to pay for a tutor to come to her every day, for an hour or two right at the start of when she would usually study?

Not even so much to help her with the material, but to provide structure for her and help her get going. It's less intimidating when someone else is there to say, "Start here."
posted by cairdeas at 8:42 PM on September 29, 2013

Best answer: When I was in the beginning of writing my thesis and panicking constantly, I asked a few of my friends to randomly send me funny or encouraging texts. Having unexpected reminders that my friends were awesome and thought I was awesome made me feel much better.
posted by raeka at 8:54 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: To feel human again, my favorite thing is the ten minute dance break. You can't believe your life will effectively be ruined if you screw up one test while feeling joy like you do when dancing (petting kittens, looking at the ocean, etc.).

If she's having trouble getting started, that is worrisome. Maybe help her identify just a few basic things she will do by [10 am] as a way of helping with that. If you have your own work you could do from her house, working side by side with someone is another way to help them through the panic that arises.
posted by salvia at 10:07 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

To directly answer your question, I generally need people to leave me alone and not add more stress to my life by forcing me deal with their anxieties regarding my life stresses. But it's been a few decades since I was in high school.

It sounds like you're doing a good job at covering all the bases, but there are significant problems going on outside of school for her sister. Traumatic experiences with familial mental illness, absent parents....I would try asking her directly what she needs from you first.

The International Baccalaureate exams, from what I remember, are pretty low key affairs, with fairly open ended questions and it's really a matter of getting enough points across all the subject areas to earn a diploma. Both myself and my best friend had small scale mental breakdowns and collapsed into deliriously apathetic gibbering messes during our last two months of high school, which included easily 20 AP & IB exam days. Both of us did just fine despite not doing anything in the way of preparation past, say, March.

I say that to merely point out that the worst case scenario is really not that bad, colleges rarely care about the diploma, they're concerned with the class grades.

While I sometimes wish someone had put a gun to my head and made me study for various classes that I later ended up failing or dropping out of, dealing with failure is a huge part of growing up and becoming a responsible adult.

My advice is that it might be a good idea to get her to take a Saturday off and spend enough time together to where she feels like she can talk about what's on her mind that has caused such a big change in her behavior. Nobody else can answer your question except your sister.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 4:44 AM on September 30, 2013

I have been your sister: first semester of masters program and I had convinced myself that I couldn't do it due to internal pressure to be perfect, plus major outside factors.

What would have helped me would have been confidence boosting and getting me out of the panic rut.

So, I applaud the break dancing or enforced silliness, giving her concrete options that reduce the imagined terror of "failing", and if you have any way to help with proctoring practice questions it may help her realize how much she knows and where the holes are. It's so hard when she's panicked for her to focus on the most worthwhile study areas.

You're doing all the other things that help, such as life necessities, she must know how much you care. Just make sure she doesn't think that now, if she fails, she'll be failing you too.
posted by mightshould at 5:04 AM on September 30, 2013

While my partner was studying for the bar, he too had days where he just could not get started, and spent the day surfing the internet/watching 10 episodes of some terrible tv show/what have you. Part of the reason this happened was that he felt he should have been spending every waking moment studying, felt overwhelmed, and freaked out. Breaks are so important, both for general mental health while studying and to clear your mind to be able to absorb more information. Perhaps you can help your sister come up with a schedule with built-in fun mandatory break times, or take her out for brunch once a week when you bring her groceries. She may try to resist, but from my experience, when we had mandatory break/silly animal dancing times, my partner was refreshed and far less stressed out, and was able to get much more work done in the following hours/days once his brain was reset.
posted by dysh at 5:23 AM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

massages
posted by Jacqueline at 9:27 AM on September 30, 2013

Its just nice to remember that there is more happening in the world than the work in front of me. That someone likes me for more than my work. Thats a kind of passive reinforcement, but it means way more to me than candy or silly aphoristic encouragement.
posted by GilloD at 11:13 AM on September 30, 2013

Best answer: The problem is, and you recognize it as such, that your sister is depressed and not being evaluated or medicated for a medical problem.

No amount of espresso or groceries or phone calls can help her, anymore than Pepto Bismol could help with an inflamed appendix. At best it's temporary relief for a dangerous condition.

Would she agree to see a medical doctor for a regular check up? Perhaps it could be couched as, "Sweetie, perhaps there's something medically wrong with you. Let me accompany you to a doctor's appointment and we can at least rule it out."

If your sister were bleeding, would you accept her decision to continue to bleed because she believed that she was letting out her sanguine humours?

Untreated depression can be a dark and dangerous place. It's common for young adults to experience it for the first time in school, under stress.

Please think about this.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:16 AM on September 30, 2013