Little Miss Sunshine
September 25, 2013 8:32 AM Subscribe
How do I start smiling and laughing more?
Hey guys ever since my depression lifted I have actually wanted to smile and laugh a lot more... But around people who are used to me being gloomy and angry I always slip back into my old self.. Because, I find that I show different sides of my self based on the expectations of whoever I happen to be around... Does everyone do this to some extent? Perhaps this is the crux of my question: how to ignore the expectations of myself from other people and have the courage to let my true self shine through?
But my question is, how do I remember to smile and laugh more (because it feels true to myself) and how do I start being the disnoaurprincess I am now around people who aren't used to it without freaking them out?
Thank you!
Hey guys ever since my depression lifted I have actually wanted to smile and laugh a lot more... But around people who are used to me being gloomy and angry I always slip back into my old self.. Because, I find that I show different sides of my self based on the expectations of whoever I happen to be around... Does everyone do this to some extent? Perhaps this is the crux of my question: how to ignore the expectations of myself from other people and have the courage to let my true self shine through?
But my question is, how do I remember to smile and laugh more (because it feels true to myself) and how do I start being the disnoaurprincess I am now around people who aren't used to it without freaking them out?
Thank you!
Best answer: I can only speak for myself, but when my depression gives me a window of opportunity to feel good, I try to reflect it in my clothing/ behavior: I wear stranger or more peculiar clothing choices so that I have an excuse to joke about them with coworkers/ friends. Loud ties, obnoxious t-shirts, that kind of thing.
Otherwise, I turn my internal communications like email and chat at work to silly (though not unprofessional if possible) non-sequiturs.
People tend to comment even if it is just a smiley "WTF is up with you today?" and that gives me an excuse to push a little further.
For me, the only problem is that my depression is really not under control (despite my best efforts, and it is something I am constantly working on), but when that cheerful window closes, people around me don't really always know that, so I have to taper off of my silliness lest they think I'm too mercurial to talk to.
For you? If you are better, and you think it's going to stick, that is absolutely awesome! Just start being the new mentally healthier you, and people will notice. It's hard to be gloomy when you actually feel good inside, and that will start to show through.
posted by quin at 8:40 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Otherwise, I turn my internal communications like email and chat at work to silly (though not unprofessional if possible) non-sequiturs.
People tend to comment even if it is just a smiley "WTF is up with you today?" and that gives me an excuse to push a little further.
For me, the only problem is that my depression is really not under control (despite my best efforts, and it is something I am constantly working on), but when that cheerful window closes, people around me don't really always know that, so I have to taper off of my silliness lest they think I'm too mercurial to talk to.
For you? If you are better, and you think it's going to stick, that is absolutely awesome! Just start being the new mentally healthier you, and people will notice. It's hard to be gloomy when you actually feel good inside, and that will start to show through.
posted by quin at 8:40 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Get into situations and conversations you will actually enjoy! I mean, I don't know what kind of social context you're talking about here, friends, family, coworkers or what, but if you're feeling better, you will naturally find your interests coming back...so talk about those! You may find other people more interesting too...so react to what they're saying, because for once, you can think about what they're up to rather than how bad you feel--which is an incredible freedom!
I won't go so far as to say "make bunches of new friends" just because that can be kind of stressful in its own right...but finding people who don't automatically think of you as a sad dinosaur could be helpful to balance things out.
posted by mittens at 8:58 AM on September 25, 2013
I won't go so far as to say "make bunches of new friends" just because that can be kind of stressful in its own right...but finding people who don't automatically think of you as a sad dinosaur could be helpful to balance things out.
posted by mittens at 8:58 AM on September 25, 2013
Best answer: Do you listen to music on the way to work/places you hang out?
If yes, be sure to have a playlist crammed with songs that give you a happy buzz, and prescribe it to yourself on days where you feel a bit wobbly, or even days where you feel fine but are anticipating plenty of human contact.
My research on this subject includes listening to items such as this song and this song before going into work, and I literally cannot help but smile at people and offer to make them tea on arrival. In fact, if you have spotify, I have a playlist ready made for you!
posted by greenish at 9:06 AM on September 25, 2013 [6 favorites]
If yes, be sure to have a playlist crammed with songs that give you a happy buzz, and prescribe it to yourself on days where you feel a bit wobbly, or even days where you feel fine but are anticipating plenty of human contact.
My research on this subject includes listening to items such as this song and this song before going into work, and I literally cannot help but smile at people and offer to make them tea on arrival. In fact, if you have spotify, I have a playlist ready made for you!
posted by greenish at 9:06 AM on September 25, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I also find it difficult not to slip into certain familiar roles or modes around people, even if I've grown out of them. For me it's most evident when I meet up with a friend from high school or college. I find myself involuntarily acting and talking with them like I did back in the day, even though decades have passed and I'm no longer the same person. Or, no matter how self-sufficient and mature I am in my regular life, around my mom and relatives I automatically regress to a teenager.
What's important to remember though is that those expectations we feel are almost always our own. Other people aren't expecting you to be anything but you. Especially if it's a positive change, like coming out of a long period of depression, true friends will welcome your transformation, even if initially they're surprised and perhaps unsure of how to renegotiate how they relate to you. (And yes, sometimes they might resist or resent your changes, but those are self-absorbed people who are placing their own sense of familiarity and comfort over your well-being.)
It sounds like what is happening is that the changes in your emotional self haven't really solidified in your mind yet. Consciously, you know you're not the same gloomy, angry person you were before, but the person you are now is a bit of a stranger to you. It will take time for that change to really take hold in your awareness and sense of identity.
I think the way past that is to just observe the way you behave around people, and how that behavior contrasts with your true self. Right now it is your old self that is more familiar and comfortable for you, but as you grow accustomed to your post-depression self, your old identity will seem increasingly strange and cumbersome, and eventually it will be easier not to slip into that role than to just be the person you are now.
posted by Mo' Money Moe Bandy at 9:06 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
What's important to remember though is that those expectations we feel are almost always our own. Other people aren't expecting you to be anything but you. Especially if it's a positive change, like coming out of a long period of depression, true friends will welcome your transformation, even if initially they're surprised and perhaps unsure of how to renegotiate how they relate to you. (And yes, sometimes they might resist or resent your changes, but those are self-absorbed people who are placing their own sense of familiarity and comfort over your well-being.)
It sounds like what is happening is that the changes in your emotional self haven't really solidified in your mind yet. Consciously, you know you're not the same gloomy, angry person you were before, but the person you are now is a bit of a stranger to you. It will take time for that change to really take hold in your awareness and sense of identity.
I think the way past that is to just observe the way you behave around people, and how that behavior contrasts with your true self. Right now it is your old self that is more familiar and comfortable for you, but as you grow accustomed to your post-depression self, your old identity will seem increasingly strange and cumbersome, and eventually it will be easier not to slip into that role than to just be the person you are now.
posted by Mo' Money Moe Bandy at 9:06 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think you just need to start smiling at everybody you meet... bus driver, person in the grocery store, random person in the street.
Once you just actually start smiling more, the rest will come.
Now, HOW can you force yourself into doing this? I don't honestly know, you just have to keep reminding yourself until it becomes the norm.
I started doing this a while ago and seriously, I'm not kidding when I say it has changed my life drastically for the better.
Just get out there, start smiling... force it at first but believe me, it will start to come naturally soon enough.
Good luck :)
posted by JenThePro at 9:09 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Once you just actually start smiling more, the rest will come.
Now, HOW can you force yourself into doing this? I don't honestly know, you just have to keep reminding yourself until it becomes the norm.
I started doing this a while ago and seriously, I'm not kidding when I say it has changed my life drastically for the better.
Just get out there, start smiling... force it at first but believe me, it will start to come naturally soon enough.
Good luck :)
posted by JenThePro at 9:09 AM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's autumn, so it's the perfect time of year to spend more time walking outside. Take a deep breath, fill your lungs with the air, look up into the sun.
That, and watch some silly Youtube videos with animals.
Keep both of those feelings in your mind when you're with others. Are you a Firefly fan? Think "you can't take the sky from me"!
posted by capricorn at 9:14 AM on September 25, 2013
That, and watch some silly Youtube videos with animals.
Keep both of those feelings in your mind when you're with others. Are you a Firefly fan? Think "you can't take the sky from me"!
posted by capricorn at 9:14 AM on September 25, 2013
Best answer: Practice.
Spend a half hour alone at the end of each day.
Sit down, get relaxed, be away from your computer and your phone.
Smile.
Then let it slowly turn into a chuckle.
Then laugh.
Seriously, do it. Yeah, you kind of have to force it; but doing that actually lightens one's mood (science!).
Do it every day.
posted by entropone at 9:35 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Spend a half hour alone at the end of each day.
Sit down, get relaxed, be away from your computer and your phone.
Smile.
Then let it slowly turn into a chuckle.
Then laugh.
Seriously, do it. Yeah, you kind of have to force it; but doing that actually lightens one's mood (science!).
Do it every day.
posted by entropone at 9:35 AM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: What makes you smile? I like 8 year old jokes (jokes Fit for them, not about them), and so try to have a few memorized. Asking an aquaintance who also likes them why the cowboy bought a dachshund* tends to lead to their telling me a joke, and so on. Getting a group of people telling their favorite dumb jokes can be pretty great.
Similarly, if there are funny shows or movies you like, watch them more often. Ask others if they've seen them. Note when something happens to you that can be spun into a funny little story, then tell it (note: funny, not angry venting, even if the story includes some frustration).
To sum up: think about what makes you laugh and smile, then seek those things out more often. It will get you primed for laughing and joking more often.
*So he could get a long, little dog(g)y. Stolen from the blue.
posted by ldthomps at 11:45 AM on September 25, 2013
Similarly, if there are funny shows or movies you like, watch them more often. Ask others if they've seen them. Note when something happens to you that can be spun into a funny little story, then tell it (note: funny, not angry venting, even if the story includes some frustration).
To sum up: think about what makes you laugh and smile, then seek those things out more often. It will get you primed for laughing and joking more often.
*So he could get a long, little dog(g)y. Stolen from the blue.
posted by ldthomps at 11:45 AM on September 25, 2013
I am a fairly "bubbly" person myself, or so I am often told.
Anyways I guess I just see the ridiculousness of life all around me. But not in a depressive way. We are all just bumbling animals, with an added layer of "logic" on top of our animal impulses (myself included), and that is what is hilarious to me. For example, I've pulled up to a parking spot just as someone else was going to get it. And I'm feeling all: Grrr don't take my parking spot. Which is just Nuts. So I roll down my window and say, "ok how should we decide this? Paper rock scissors, best two out of three?" and then start laughing, because fighting over a parking space is like two dogs growling over a bowl of food. Seriously puppies, there is kibble EVERYWHERE!
Also, I want people to relax and feel good, and I figure a laugh is a good way to do it. Maybe my work environment is stressy, so I want to lighten people's moods. I figure that they have to do the work anyway, but they'll do better if their minds are more positive. So I will crack a joke about the situation, or make a word play or something.
By the way you don't actually know what the other person's expectations are of you, whether they "expect" you to continue to be doom & gloom or whatnot. I wonder if you're concerned that they won't like the "new" you? Don't worry! They will acclimatize. You can take other people's negative and flip it into a positive if you wish. Don't worry whether they will accept it. They say that misery loves company, but really curmudgeons LOVE happy people, especially "naturally" happy people who aren't trying to make them happy but are just letting their happy light shine.
And even though I don't know you ms. dinosaurprincess (aside from ask me-fi or course), I'm super happy to hear that you're feeling good again.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:55 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Anyways I guess I just see the ridiculousness of life all around me. But not in a depressive way. We are all just bumbling animals, with an added layer of "logic" on top of our animal impulses (myself included), and that is what is hilarious to me. For example, I've pulled up to a parking spot just as someone else was going to get it. And I'm feeling all: Grrr don't take my parking spot. Which is just Nuts. So I roll down my window and say, "ok how should we decide this? Paper rock scissors, best two out of three?" and then start laughing, because fighting over a parking space is like two dogs growling over a bowl of food. Seriously puppies, there is kibble EVERYWHERE!
Also, I want people to relax and feel good, and I figure a laugh is a good way to do it. Maybe my work environment is stressy, so I want to lighten people's moods. I figure that they have to do the work anyway, but they'll do better if their minds are more positive. So I will crack a joke about the situation, or make a word play or something.
By the way you don't actually know what the other person's expectations are of you, whether they "expect" you to continue to be doom & gloom or whatnot. I wonder if you're concerned that they won't like the "new" you? Don't worry! They will acclimatize. You can take other people's negative and flip it into a positive if you wish. Don't worry whether they will accept it. They say that misery loves company, but really curmudgeons LOVE happy people, especially "naturally" happy people who aren't trying to make them happy but are just letting their happy light shine.
And even though I don't know you ms. dinosaurprincess (aside from ask me-fi or course), I'm super happy to hear that you're feeling good again.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:55 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Maybe work less on laughing and smiling and more on not fulfilling expectations?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:09 PM on September 25, 2013
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:09 PM on September 25, 2013
Best answer: I suffer a bit from Bitchy Resting Face, and though I'm generally a happy person, I'm not naturally inclined to smile unless something's funny--it just feels like I'm forcing my face into an unnatural position.
The thing that's helped me is to practice raising my eyebrows slightly in social/professional situations. That alone makes me look more positive, alert, and approachable (good things), but it also relaxes my face such that smiling doesn't feel so forced. It's like my eyebrows are strings pulling up the corners of my mouth.
One word of caution, because I went through something similar years ago: once you do let your happier self shine through to your own satisfaction, you might realize that the people who expect Cranky You are not doing you much good. So maybe point that new happy face at other happy people who can become new friends.
posted by Rykey at 3:59 PM on September 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
The thing that's helped me is to practice raising my eyebrows slightly in social/professional situations. That alone makes me look more positive, alert, and approachable (good things), but it also relaxes my face such that smiling doesn't feel so forced. It's like my eyebrows are strings pulling up the corners of my mouth.
One word of caution, because I went through something similar years ago: once you do let your happier self shine through to your own satisfaction, you might realize that the people who expect Cranky You are not doing you much good. So maybe point that new happy face at other happy people who can become new friends.
posted by Rykey at 3:59 PM on September 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Oh, and watch Happy Go Lucky for inspiration.
posted by Rykey at 4:01 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Rykey at 4:01 PM on September 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There is a school of thought that the body leads and the mind follows. If you act happy, then your consciousness assumes that you are happy.
in the interest of "fake it 'til you make it," shape your lips into a Mona Lisa smile at all times. Whenever you remember, curl the corners of your mouth upwards. Your cheeks should plump up just slightly. Lift your eyelids & eyebrows in a "pleasantly surprised" expression. Make it habitual that you take inventory of your expression and regulate it whenever you are around other people.
Perhaps you have a "concentrating on what you are saying" expression that draws your eyebrows together, narrows your lips, and drags the corners of your mouth down. If you feel this expression on your face, relax and smooth your face out into a pleasant, neutral expression.
If you agree with something, or if the person makes an interesting point, lift the corners of your mouth to plump out your cheeks even more. Accustom yourself through strength of will-- a smile is your response to other people.
posted by ohshenandoah at 6:23 PM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
in the interest of "fake it 'til you make it," shape your lips into a Mona Lisa smile at all times. Whenever you remember, curl the corners of your mouth upwards. Your cheeks should plump up just slightly. Lift your eyelids & eyebrows in a "pleasantly surprised" expression. Make it habitual that you take inventory of your expression and regulate it whenever you are around other people.
Perhaps you have a "concentrating on what you are saying" expression that draws your eyebrows together, narrows your lips, and drags the corners of your mouth down. If you feel this expression on your face, relax and smooth your face out into a pleasant, neutral expression.
If you agree with something, or if the person makes an interesting point, lift the corners of your mouth to plump out your cheeks even more. Accustom yourself through strength of will-- a smile is your response to other people.
posted by ohshenandoah at 6:23 PM on September 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Just want to chime in on other people's expectations -- for what it's worth, as someone who's been on the other side of this equation with loved ones:
if they have a difficult time transitioning to you being the smiling, joyful person you have become, it might be because they love you a lot and are afraid it won't stick or they'll do something to screw it up or are struggling to feel out the new status quo or are only now feeling safe enough to express their own anger/fear/etc about the depression previously stealing your light.
Not to say you should put up with situations/behavior/people that are bad for you. But it might be because these friends and relatives care about you *so much* that your relationship with them heals at a slower pace. Seeing you smile and laugh is probably more important to them than it is to anyone else in your life, though, so do feel confident in doing that when you're together.
It's not that they don't want to see it, it's that they're scared it'll go away.
posted by rue72 at 10:05 PM on September 25, 2013
if they have a difficult time transitioning to you being the smiling, joyful person you have become, it might be because they love you a lot and are afraid it won't stick or they'll do something to screw it up or are struggling to feel out the new status quo or are only now feeling safe enough to express their own anger/fear/etc about the depression previously stealing your light.
Not to say you should put up with situations/behavior/people that are bad for you. But it might be because these friends and relatives care about you *so much* that your relationship with them heals at a slower pace. Seeing you smile and laugh is probably more important to them than it is to anyone else in your life, though, so do feel confident in doing that when you're together.
It's not that they don't want to see it, it's that they're scared it'll go away.
posted by rue72 at 10:05 PM on September 25, 2013
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posted by Doohickie at 8:38 AM on September 25, 2013