He's the one who made things awkward, so why do I feel like a jerk?

August 30, 2013 5:06 PM

A co-worker/friend drunkenly confessed romantic feelings; I reciprocated; now he’s acting cold to me. Do I try to clear the air? Or let it go?

I’ve known this guy for a couple of years. He is a co-worker (in a different department at my company). We’ve hung out socially in small groups, and a couple of times just the two of us. We’re both in our 30s. Personality-wise, I’d say we’re similar: we’re both relatively quiet and private people, but I wouldn’t call either of us shy.

I considered him a friend, but eventually noticed him expressing what I took to be romantic interest in me—hinting at doing date-type stuff together, being uncharacteristically flirtatious, confiding in me about personal things. At the time I was ambivalent about him in a romantic sense, so I didn’t do much to encourage him.

However…. after a recent company outing, we were both pretty drunk and shared a cab home, which he took as an opportunity to ask if we could be more than friends. My drunk brain said “Why the hell not? You really enjoy this guy’s company and he’s a good person.” So I said, “Yes, I think being more than friends would be nice.” He came up to my place, and we made out/fooled around. To steal a phrase I heard elsewhere: It didn’t go too far, but it went.

In the sober light of the next morning, I was actually glad it happened. I didn’t realize how much I liked him until he pressed the issue (and, to be honest, until my guard was lowered by some Sauvignon Blanc). We texted back and forth the next day, and then after that he left for vacation and on business travel for a couple of weeks. I figured that he’d contact me when he returned.

…Except he didn’t. The next time I saw him was at work and he didn’t mention anything about that night. We carried on as usual as if nothing had happened, so I figured that we’d just go the “let us never speak of it again” route. I thought about bringing it up with him, but decided I didn’t want to make things awkward. So I was disappointed but relieved that we’d be able to go back to being friends.

...Except that didn’t happen. He has since begun acting totally stand-offish towards me. If I speak to him, I get a curt response. If we’re in a group, he stands or sits as far away from me as possible. We recently shared a cab ride home, and he spent the ride talking to the cab driver (uncharacteristic for him) and ignoring me.

I’m confused and hurt by this, and a little angry. I understand why he might regret what happened, or might not remember it totally clearly. But I thought he had more respect and affection for me as a friend than to handle it like this. I haven’t done anything to push the issue with him so I don’t get why he’s going to such lengths to avoid contact with me.

So what do I do now? Should I talk to him about it (something I now realize I should have done much earlier) and risk making things even more awkward? Or should I just let it go and hope that in time things go back to normal?

Final note: I know that many people consider dating co-workers to be a bad idea. I have never dated a co-worker before, but thought this guy might have been worth the risk. I am now fully aware of what can go wrong when you mix co-workers and romance, so consider me already educated on that point!

posted by gimleteye to Human Relations (21 answers total)

Pfffft - if he wants to act like a spoiled little baby, let him. Just let it go, and keep being your cordial self. If he stays all cold, that means whatever friendship he felt towards you was conditional, and that makes him a jerk and if that's the case then hell with him.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:14 PM on August 30, 2013 [7 favorites]

Umm... if you like him and want to maybe date him, why did you not follow up when he was back in town? From your story there's no reason he wouldn't believe that you're the one regretting this whole thing, and his hurt or awkwardness about that could be making him act weird around you.
posted by MadamM at 5:16 PM on August 30, 2013 [18 favorites]

Meh. He sounds like he's being a baby. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, you could shoot him a quick email, like, "Hey, I've noticed things have been a little strained between us lately and I was wondering if you'd like to meet and talk it over. Do you want to get coffee with me on Saturday?" You never know 100% what's going on with someone til you ask, so that'd give him the chance to explain himself in case there is actually something major or surprising going on. But the odds are both the friendship and the romance are going to fizzle out. It happens! Chalk it up to experience and move on.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 5:19 PM on August 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

Which is to say I think you should have a clear the air conversation with him. The worst outcome is it's awkward or he reveals himself to be a jerk and you can move on, and there is the potential to move things back to a less awkward point or even rescue the chances of trying to date this guy, if that's a thing you still want to do.
posted by MadamM at 5:19 PM on August 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

Honestly, it sounds like you both thought the other didn't want to speak of it again, and were both disappointed by that. He's being a little more immature about it, but you're both projecting your fears about the fallout of that night on the other's actions. What do you have to lose by seeing if that's the case by floating a date idea?
posted by supercres at 5:36 PM on August 30, 2013 [6 favorites]

Yes, it seems possible that both of you expected the other would make the next move when he returned, and that both of you assumed that the absence of a move indicated that the other lacked interest, with the only difference being that he is handling this less graciously (or feeling more hurt by this) than you.
posted by salvia at 5:39 PM on August 30, 2013 [6 favorites]

This sounds to me like stung feelings on his part, not very well handled.

If you want to try to patch things up, talking over email might get past the current awkwardness.
posted by mattu at 5:58 PM on August 30, 2013

I think you may have dropped the ball here. It sounds like you were waiting on him, maybe he was waiting on you... It's also possible that with a little distance and perspective, he had some regrets. The only way to know for sure is to try to talk to him.
posted by sm1tten at 6:02 PM on August 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

maybe he thought you two would continue to text during his vacation, and since you didn't he took that as you were not interested. then, from his perspective, he's still interested in you, but you're trying to turn it back into just friends/colleagues. in other words, maybe you accidentally friend-zoned him. he knows it's not good to pretend to just be friends with someone when you have a crush on them, and he doesn't want to be that guy. so, he's trying to push you away by being rude.

anyway, that's just one scenario, maybe that's not what's happening with you at all. just talk to him for christ's sake.
posted by cupcake1337 at 6:18 PM on August 30, 2013

He's being remarkably immature. It's your prerogative--but do you really want to reengage? He's likely to be as passive aggressive in a relationship as he's being now, if not more.
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:15 PM on August 30, 2013 [7 favorites]

I would email or text (to avoid putting him on the spot) something like this:


Hey, I feel like we've had a communications breakdown and things have gotten awkward between us. I got the impression that you changed your mind about dating as I never heard from you when you got back from your trip. If that's how you feel, I understand, but I wish we could go back to being friends- I enjoyed our talks! Let me know what's up.
posted by windykites at 7:17 PM on August 30, 2013 [39 favorites]

Agreeing with the above - he's not handling this particularly well, but from your account I don't see much evidence of you showing interest either, and my first thought was that he was a little stung.

I like windykites' script, perhaps with a slight adjustment as it doesn't explicitly state your interest as well. Maybe change the second sentence to "I was and am still interested, but I got the impression..." etc etc. to pave the way that it was all just a misunderstanding, if it was.
posted by Zelos at 7:31 PM on August 30, 2013 [6 favorites]

Is he acting like this in front of your other coworkers? I'm wondering if you two were spotted getting in the cab after your company outing and the gossip mill has been working overtime behind your back (but not his).

He might be trying to shut that down and backpedalling a bit too hard in the process.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:48 PM on August 30, 2013 [2 favorites]

It sounds like he's just embarrassed and doesn't know how to handle it. He's being standoffish because he doesn't know how to turn off the romance faucet he opened and just be friends again. I don't think you need a clear the air conversation, per se, but do just pull him aside and tell him casually, no pressure, that you understand if he's embarrassed about what happened, you're cool, it's cool, if he wants to pursue something you're open to it, but you're also ok with staying friends. Drunk happens, and sometimes you just have to let what happens in DrunkVegas stay in Drunkvegas.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 9:25 PM on August 30, 2013 [1 favorite]

Final note: I know that many people consider dating co-workers to be a bad idea.

there is a huge temptation to date coworkers, mainly because you're around them for 8 hours a day and you get to know them fairly quickly, with really no risk. as opposed to dating, or getting involved in other setup situations which take effort and put you on the line.

whenever i've dated a coworker, i've gone into it thinking there are two possible outcomes: if it ends it will be awkward, but on the other hand, if it lasts then it will be worth it.

ymmv, but every time i dated a coworker it did not last. the consequences? more than once they started dating the guy the desk over, and i had to listen to them make sweet talk, weekend plans, and other similar cutesy behavior, within earshot, on a daily basis. i've had two separate exes end up dating two different bosses, the one boss was quite the alpha male and i was worried the relationship would adversely affect my career (thankfully it did not). the other ex was fairly hostile towards me, and did a good job poisoning the well with a boss whom i had had a fairly good relationship with. it ended up costing me what would have been a sterling reference when i decided to move on.

so, what are the downsides of dating a non-coworker? if you date some random dude in town, and things go sour, you never have to see that person again. if the guy you're talking about was a non-coworker you went on a few dates with, and you stopped hearing from him, you wouldn't even give it another thought. but now you have to be around this dude and its awkward.

so of course talk to him and try to suss out what the issue is, it sounds like maybe he's embarrassed about that night and doesn't know how to handle it. or, you know, he wasn't comfortable with where it "went" that night and is planning a lawsuit. which is another huge risk you face when dating a coworker.
posted by camdan at 12:06 AM on August 31, 2013

Talk to him, clear the air. The possibility exists that he was looking for cues from you, too, in order to determine how to proceed and, when you didn't give them because you were looking for them from him, he became as hurt and confused as you are now.

In short, it's entirely possible that he is doing and has done exactly what you did. Talk to him. Let him know where your head is and ping him to see where his is. If he doesn't want to date, cool. If he does and you still do...well, your call.

Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 12:23 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]

Really, yes. As has been said above you need to catch him at a time when there's no-one else around and ask him outright if everything's okay. No judgements, no weirdness. Just 'are we good?' and see how he reacts. His reaction should tell you what you need to know.
posted by h00py at 1:47 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would talk to him, because it sounds like neither of you actually spoke to one another. I'd go the route of "we are coworkers, is there a problem?" rather than the "we are two people who hooked up and then never talked about it" route. Make sure that you're going to be able to work together.

Honestly, I can see myself being a little standoffish with someone in this sort of situation. The first thought through my mind would be "she thought it was so terrible that she can't talk to me about it? Better not do anything to make her MORE uncomfortable", and then withdraw rather than do anything that could be misconstrued as me forcing my attentions on her.

I'm not suggesting that this is an adult or appropriate way to handle the situation in, but I'd rather be considered a cad for withdrawing than risk being accused of sexual harassment or something of that sort.
posted by Solomon at 2:07 AM on August 31, 2013

I thought about bringing it up with him, but decided I didn’t want to make things awkward.

right, because leaving things unsettled and unspoken-of is so much less awkward

USE YOUR WORDS

(I mean, I get it; he should be using his words too and it's annoying that he isn't. But one of you has to start; there's no prize for waiting longest so go ahead)
posted by ook at 4:54 AM on August 31, 2013 [6 favorites]

 I didn’t realize how much I liked him ...

Simply, this is all you need to communicate to him. Nothing rectifies awkward moments than such an expression. The rest will resolve itself thereafter.
posted by Kruger5 at 5:58 AM on August 31, 2013 [1 favorite]

I agree with everyone who says, "I'd go the route of 'we are coworkers, is there a problem?"'

My one caveat would be to prepare yourself for the possibility that he acts like maybe-there-could-be-something-more flirty special man with every single woman he knows both to feed his ego and to lay groundwork in case he sees an opportunity.

You say he is "quiet." This does not mean he's not a dog.

Good luck. I hope that this is just a case of mutual awkwardness and it all works out.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 8:47 AM on August 31, 2013