After 20 months, we're still passionately in love, but he "wants to make a life with me" and I am not sure either way whether that is what I want. But breaking up is really hard because we are really in love.
posted by winterportage to human relations (54 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Is this the right thing to do, or am I making a huge mistake.
I am 25 and he's 30.
I feel that us living together is not working, and I want to move in with a female roommate. I would be perfectly happy to continue being in a relationship with him but not live together. But for him, if I do this, then it's over. So really, it's up to me to decide whether I can continue living with him, or whether this is important enough for me to move out over.
I don't know if I want to settle down right now, but over the weekend I finally heard him say "I want a life with you." I had suspected this was his feeling but had never been able to get him to discuss it. to be honest, I find it incredibly touching to hear someone say that. Honestly I never expected that someone would love me enough to say that.
I love him very deeply and I can feel his love for me as well. After we had the talk where he told me that if I move out, then it's over for him, I couldn't help but kiss him. I simply adore him and he is wonderful, loving and caring.
The issue is just that I never consciously went into this looking for a relationship where we settle down together. I didn't have much relationship experience before, but I've never really known what I want out of a relationship. Before I dated him I was very much a quirky alone type who is happy being single. I've noticed that I tend to live in the moment and interpret things afterwards. One of the things about me, which on bad days I see as a serious failing, is that I am not really good at keeping my eyes on a faraway longterm goal. I don't find it easy to have faith in my own choices. For this reason, I've never really thought seriously about my romantic future, because the hope is too painful.
But the experience of being loved by him has changed me for the better, and I know this is not something you just throw away for some stupid reason.
My reasons for moving out have been building up over the past year. The both of us tend towards laziness and slobbiness. He's quite a bit worse than me.It bothers me though, but it doesn't bother him. Since he's 30, I don't see these habits changing. And I haven't been able to stop the voice in my head saying "How can you live like this?." In my head, if I moved out a lot of this disgust would be minimized, and I wouldn't have to criticise him.
For some reason I feel that his laziness towards life is rubbing off on me. He's a homebody, and nerdy and an introvert. He loves TV, movies, politics and the internet. I love going out to concerts, festivals, out for dinner, or even just making dinner together at home. His interests are more teenager-like. He's happy to eat microwave rice every night and seems to think it's a nuisance to prepare a full meal for dinner every night.
He has a bunch of high level degrees including a law degree but, in his view, he doesn't buy into careerism. this means he works for a little above minimum wage at a job with terrible hours and no benefits. He also does volunteer work once a week.
He's extremely thrifty, and all his clothes are old. He doesn't own a car and bikes everywhere Now, in my ideal view of myself I am the last person who would reject someone for not having a traditional way of life, or for being less money-grubbing and greedy than the general population. But I find his habits make my life a lot more difficult than I necessarily want it to be.
Now I've been considering what I'll do at the end of the lease for several months now. The other day an old friend mentioned that she was moving out and her roommate needed to sublet that room. I visited the place, and it's about a 5 minutes walk from where I work, in a super nice neighborhood. It just seems perfect and instinctively I just started to feel like it was a great idea. Maybe I didn't think it all the way through though.
To sum up, boyfriend who I love very much said he "wants to make a life with me." I never consciously went into this relationship looking for lifelong commitment, but I find my love for him to be very deep. However, I find living with him tests my patience because of his slobbiness and lazy attitude towards life. I think us dating but not living together would be a perfect solution, but to him, this relationship can only go in one direction and if it's not going in that direction, it's over.