Confess about telling boyfriend's penis size to ex?
August 19, 2013 8:28 PM Subscribe
I know I shouldn't have and I regret it so much. I told an ex boyfriend that my current boyfriend's penis size is .. lacking. I feel so guilty, and even though my ex says he will not tell (and I trust him to be a pretty good guy), I am still scared that my boyfriend will be so hurt and never trust me if he ever finds out. Should I confess that I told this to my ex myself?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- LobsterMitten
(You have done something that risks hurting your boyfriend if he ever finds out. If you tell him, you will, hands-down, guaranteed, hurt him. And this is an ex you say you can trust to be a pretty good guy. Yes, you did a thing you shouldn't have; no, there is no way at all to 'undo' this. Just rely on your ex not being a total enormous antagonistic asshole and move on.)
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:31 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:31 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Plausible deniability is really the only thing you have left going for you at this point. This never happened. And it will never happen again.
posted by ook at 8:33 PM on August 19, 2013 [44 favorites]
posted by ook at 8:33 PM on August 19, 2013 [44 favorites]
Nope. No way.
posted by greta simone at 8:36 PM on August 19, 2013
posted by greta simone at 8:36 PM on August 19, 2013
No way. Shhhh.
2nding total denial if it ever does come up. You never ever said that.
posted by amaire at 8:38 PM on August 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
2nding total denial if it ever does come up. You never ever said that.
posted by amaire at 8:38 PM on August 19, 2013 [13 favorites]
Take it to the grave.
posted by whoaali at 8:38 PM on August 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by whoaali at 8:38 PM on August 19, 2013 [5 favorites]
Why were you flirting with your ex?
posted by duvatney at 8:39 PM on August 19, 2013 [101 favorites]
posted by duvatney at 8:39 PM on August 19, 2013 [101 favorites]
Sorry, off topic. Just wondering what else you have going on. Letting this kind of info slip to your ex might be an indication of other, bigger dissatisfactions.
posted by duvatney at 8:40 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by duvatney at 8:40 PM on August 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
If an ex tells a current that his ex told him that the current is too small penis-wise?
Yeah, no.
posted by xingcat at 8:42 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah, no.
posted by xingcat at 8:42 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
There are two schools of thought, similar to the ever-debated, "Should I confess to cheating?" The first is that if you keep quiet and cope with your guilt alone, then maybe you can spare the guy from actually experiencing those unfortunate emotions (shame, anger, betrayal, whatever) you have set him up to feel. On the other hand, you're right that if you tell him, he probably won't trust you—and hey, he probably shouldn't trust you because you're apparently not trustworthy (no offense, just airing the other side), and arguably he deserves to know that going forward.
There's no right answer, just opinions on either side. You can dither over the counterarguments and try to be persuaded, or you could flip a coin, but personally I'd suggest closing your eyes and listening to your gut. Good luck.
posted by cribcage at 8:43 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
There's no right answer, just opinions on either side. You can dither over the counterarguments and try to be persuaded, or you could flip a coin, but personally I'd suggest closing your eyes and listening to your gut. Good luck.
posted by cribcage at 8:43 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't tell him: I wouldn't want to hear it. In general, I wouldn't want to be compared, pro or con, to an ex.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:49 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 8:49 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Absolutely not. Ever.
This isn't quite the same because I'm assuming you don't have a penis, but imagine your boyfriend tells you your breasts just aren't as exciting as his ex-girlfriend's, and he wouldn't have told you except he was chatting with said ex-girlfriend and the subject matter came up. Or that you don't kiss as well. Or that your junk smells naturally awful. Or whatever would be crushingly upsetting.
Could you ever forget that? Wouldn't it be next to impossible to perform as well given the justifiable self-consciousness you'd feel?
posted by vegartanipla at 8:52 PM on August 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
This isn't quite the same because I'm assuming you don't have a penis, but imagine your boyfriend tells you your breasts just aren't as exciting as his ex-girlfriend's, and he wouldn't have told you except he was chatting with said ex-girlfriend and the subject matter came up. Or that you don't kiss as well. Or that your junk smells naturally awful. Or whatever would be crushingly upsetting.
Could you ever forget that? Wouldn't it be next to impossible to perform as well given the justifiable self-consciousness you'd feel?
posted by vegartanipla at 8:52 PM on August 19, 2013 [7 favorites]
NO my God.
I mean... unless you want to break up with him. And maybe you do?
posted by thebazilist at 9:02 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
I mean... unless you want to break up with him. And maybe you do?
posted by thebazilist at 9:02 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
No, NO, no, nah, hell no to the question...
And if you're wondering, no, your ex will not say this to your bf unless he is a total sociopath. Don't bring it up to him again, don't swear him to secrecy again (or in the first place). This is not something a dude would say to another dude, unless there is major bad blood, and perhaps not even then.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:03 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
And if you're wondering, no, your ex will not say this to your bf unless he is a total sociopath. Don't bring it up to him again, don't swear him to secrecy again (or in the first place). This is not something a dude would say to another dude, unless there is major bad blood, and perhaps not even then.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:03 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Seems to me that the only reason why you would want to confess to your ex is to be forgiven for something that is unforgivable.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:04 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 9:04 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
Are you more concerned about the slip about his penis size, or the fact that you're talking to your ex boyfriend about it?
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:06 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 9:06 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
In addition to everything else said above, would the ex even have a shred of credibility if he repeated that? I picture him at a party saying in a totally tubular Ashton Kutcher dude-bro voice, "yeah, she's like with another guy now, but she says my johnson is bigger." Who would even believe that?! It seems unlikely.
posted by salvia at 9:13 PM on August 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by salvia at 9:13 PM on August 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
oh dear lawsy no everything about this is terrible
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:27 PM on August 19, 2013 [17 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 9:27 PM on August 19, 2013 [17 favorites]
Okay, seeing hal_c_on's comment, I want to clarify that for me at least, the RIGHT thing to do is to not tell. It's not about what you can get away with.
This would be incredibly insulting and hurtful. Even if you were breaking up with him, I don't think you should say this. I think you should internally confront the facts that you think something about him that would really hurt him to know, AND that you told your ex. Do you even want to be with this guy? Then, either conduct yourself respectfully or break up with him cleanly. It's like someone saying "sometimes I find you to be ugly." I'd think "well, decide whether you still want to be with me or not, but don't just stand there and call me ugly."
posted by salvia at 9:29 PM on August 19, 2013 [15 favorites]
This would be incredibly insulting and hurtful. Even if you were breaking up with him, I don't think you should say this. I think you should internally confront the facts that you think something about him that would really hurt him to know, AND that you told your ex. Do you even want to be with this guy? Then, either conduct yourself respectfully or break up with him cleanly. It's like someone saying "sometimes I find you to be ugly." I'd think "well, decide whether you still want to be with me or not, but don't just stand there and call me ugly."
posted by salvia at 9:29 PM on August 19, 2013 [15 favorites]
I don't think you should tell your current boyfriend (ever), but I think you should consider breaking up with him, because you both must deserve better than a relationship where one partner is even secretly contemptuous of the other's genitalia.
posted by argonauta at 9:31 PM on August 19, 2013 [30 favorites]
posted by argonauta at 9:31 PM on August 19, 2013 [30 favorites]
I have so many things that I wish I'd never said, it could fill a room. Here is what I figured out.
Rather than think about telling your boyfriend that he is 'lacking' and that you told your ex that, why not figure out why you told your ex, and then figure out if there is anything you can do to improve your current relationship? For example, were you angry/frustrated with your sex life? Were you flirting? Were you trying to make your ex feel better because you think they are still hurt that you dumped them? What was that about? Then use this a message to yourself to address that situation.
Sometimes we have the ability to self reflect and figure out what is going on for us. Sometimes we don't and we end up blurting it out in the most embarrassing way. Either way, I usually just figure that some part of me is trying to get in touch with my conscious self to address something going on for me. So why not just take this situation that way?
That way, if he ever does find out, you can cop to it and then tell the rest of the story - that you realized that it was a shit thing to do, and not about him, but you, which is why you came to him to address how to improve your sex life. Or whatever. And next time you have an issue, you'll try to skip step one - the passive aggressive one - and move directly to step two - realizing that there is something not right for you, and address it effectively than futz it up ineffectively.
posted by anitanita at 9:48 PM on August 19, 2013 [24 favorites]
Rather than think about telling your boyfriend that he is 'lacking' and that you told your ex that, why not figure out why you told your ex, and then figure out if there is anything you can do to improve your current relationship? For example, were you angry/frustrated with your sex life? Were you flirting? Were you trying to make your ex feel better because you think they are still hurt that you dumped them? What was that about? Then use this a message to yourself to address that situation.
Sometimes we have the ability to self reflect and figure out what is going on for us. Sometimes we don't and we end up blurting it out in the most embarrassing way. Either way, I usually just figure that some part of me is trying to get in touch with my conscious self to address something going on for me. So why not just take this situation that way?
That way, if he ever does find out, you can cop to it and then tell the rest of the story - that you realized that it was a shit thing to do, and not about him, but you, which is why you came to him to address how to improve your sex life. Or whatever. And next time you have an issue, you'll try to skip step one - the passive aggressive one - and move directly to step two - realizing that there is something not right for you, and address it effectively than futz it up ineffectively.
posted by anitanita at 9:48 PM on August 19, 2013 [24 favorites]
What's with the people comparing this to cheating?
The OP didn't say anything about the circumstances when she mentioned this to the ex. This could easily have noting to do emotional intimacy let alone sex with the ex. The ex may well be the sort to bring it up and ask the OP directly. Everyone says something they regret from time to time.
OP, talking to your boyfriend about this is only going to compound the wrongs by talking about your ex's penis size, and by talking about your ex's penis size to your current boyfriend.
I don't think it's contemptuous, "lacking" seems be to used euphemistically here. Maybe not the best choice of words, but a perfect word-picker wouldn't be asking this question.
OTOH, if you got out the ex's penis to verify, that's something else entirely, but it doesn't sound like that's the situation here.
posted by yohko at 9:50 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
The OP didn't say anything about the circumstances when she mentioned this to the ex. This could easily have noting to do emotional intimacy let alone sex with the ex. The ex may well be the sort to bring it up and ask the OP directly. Everyone says something they regret from time to time.
OP, talking to your boyfriend about this is only going to compound the wrongs by talking about your ex's penis size, and by talking about your ex's penis size to your current boyfriend.
I don't think it's contemptuous, "lacking" seems be to used euphemistically here. Maybe not the best choice of words, but a perfect word-picker wouldn't be asking this question.
OTOH, if you got out the ex's penis to verify, that's something else entirely, but it doesn't sound like that's the situation here.
posted by yohko at 9:50 PM on August 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh for pete's sake, get ahold of yourself. Unless you live inside a sitcom, it is vanishingly unlikely that your ex would have any reason to share this with your current boyfriend unless your ex were being such a shit that he doesn't deserve to be believed.
Also, don't gossip to your ex about your current boyfriend. C'mon.
A little bit of difference in size is really not a "lack" or a "gain" as to quality of the sexin', it's just different. We all bring to bed what we've got to work with, it's up to all participants to make that great.
posted by desuetude at 9:51 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
Also, don't gossip to your ex about your current boyfriend. C'mon.
A little bit of difference in size is really not a "lack" or a "gain" as to quality of the sexin', it's just different. We all bring to bed what we've got to work with, it's up to all participants to make that great.
posted by desuetude at 9:51 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
OH. MY. GLOB.
Just thinking about the possibility of anyone I was with saying this to their ex-frigging-boyfriend makes me sick to my whole person. Not a joke.
DO NOT tell your boyfriend that you brought this up, to anyone, ever, unless you absolutely despise him and are trying to hurt him for the rest of his life. I am dead serious.
Jeezy Creezy.
Going forward, don't ever tell another dude about things like this (at the very least while you're in the relationship), and think thrice before you tell even another woman about it. I don't think it's possible for a woman to understand what that kind of statement means to 97% of the weiner-having population. "I have never and will never find you sexually attractive, and in addition I strongly suspect no one else has or will either" comes the closest. But that still ain't it.
As an aside, look into positions that take greatest advantage of available penile dimensions (i.e. Google it); they're out there, time-tested, and were discovered by and for people in your situation.
If it comes up somehow, you never said that, and your ex-boyfriend is both jealous and crazy. And just, please never do this again, okay? Woof.
Full disclosure: I'm not reacting out of personal experience, it's just something all dudes know is Bad Time City, Forever.
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:53 PM on August 19, 2013 [19 favorites]
Just thinking about the possibility of anyone I was with saying this to their ex-frigging-boyfriend makes me sick to my whole person. Not a joke.
DO NOT tell your boyfriend that you brought this up, to anyone, ever, unless you absolutely despise him and are trying to hurt him for the rest of his life. I am dead serious.
Jeezy Creezy.
Going forward, don't ever tell another dude about things like this (at the very least while you're in the relationship), and think thrice before you tell even another woman about it. I don't think it's possible for a woman to understand what that kind of statement means to 97% of the weiner-having population. "I have never and will never find you sexually attractive, and in addition I strongly suspect no one else has or will either" comes the closest. But that still ain't it.
As an aside, look into positions that take greatest advantage of available penile dimensions (i.e. Google it); they're out there, time-tested, and were discovered by and for people in your situation.
If it comes up somehow, you never said that, and your ex-boyfriend is both jealous and crazy. And just, please never do this again, okay? Woof.
Full disclosure: I'm not reacting out of personal experience, it's just something all dudes know is Bad Time City, Forever.
posted by Poppa Bear at 9:53 PM on August 19, 2013 [19 favorites]
I wouldn't give a damn if I were in your bf's position and you had told the deetz about my penis vs his penis, but maybe I'd wonder about your lingering relationship with his penis.
This would be a silly way to end a relationship. Penises are basically just fingers with holes in them.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:58 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
This would be a silly way to end a relationship. Penises are basically just fingers with holes in them.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:58 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
If his dick isn't enough for you, stop waffling and dump him. And lie about the reason ("I need more space", "I want more intimacy", whatever, come up with something vague but credible), because no matter what you read in the back of Playboy, there's nothing you can do to make a dick permanently bigger that doesn't also carry substantial risk of permanently maiming it. None of this passive-aggressive crap of telling the ex and thinking about telling the current that you told the ex and then agonizing about truth and lies.
posted by gingerest at 10:06 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 10:06 PM on August 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
Okay, there's no way your ex will ever mention this to your current boyfriend. Seriously, unless you live in a hackneyed rom-com that just won't happen. That's not the problem here, so put it out of your head and stop worrying about it. The problem is the signals you just sent to your ex, intentionally or otherwise.
What you think you said: "my current boyfriend's penis size is .. lacking."
What your ex-boyfriend heard: "I like your penis better."
What your current boyfriend will hear, if you tell him about this: "I told my ex that I like his penis better."
The problem here is not really about penis size; the problem is that complaining about your current SO to an ex sends the wrong signals to everyone involved. This is true regardless of genders involved or the topic of complaint: just don't complain about your current SO to someone you ever have been or have any interest in being romantically involved with. Period. (That's what [strictly platonic] best friends are for.)
posted by mstokes650 at 10:11 PM on August 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
What you think you said: "my current boyfriend's penis size is .. lacking."
What your ex-boyfriend heard: "I like your penis better."
What your current boyfriend will hear, if you tell him about this: "I told my ex that I like his penis better."
The problem here is not really about penis size; the problem is that complaining about your current SO to an ex sends the wrong signals to everyone involved. This is true regardless of genders involved or the topic of complaint: just don't complain about your current SO to someone you ever have been or have any interest in being romantically involved with. Period. (That's what [strictly platonic] best friends are for.)
posted by mstokes650 at 10:11 PM on August 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
Just end it now. You can't tell him -- that would be unforgivable. But if you don't tell him, there's this enormous toxic elephant in the room that will give you lots of experience in withholding information. Just end it and never do this or anything like it again.
posted by janey47 at 10:29 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 10:29 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
i don't think this is the same as cheating where i do think people should confess. this would just be hurtful and mean to confess to your bf as there is not a thing he can do to change it. i've always heard this is about as low an insult to a man as there exists. the real question is why would you say this to your ex? i imagine you are not really over your ex... i also think you should seriously think about whether or not you want to stay with your current bf. what you said and who you said it to is so low i doubt you have very strong feelings for him.
on preview: what janey47 said.
posted by wildflower at 10:32 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
on preview: what janey47 said.
posted by wildflower at 10:32 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also have to question on the why you said it. Something else is going on.
posted by signondiego at 10:48 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by signondiego at 10:48 PM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Holy shit. Not only should you NOT tell your boyfriend, you should never tell ANYONE that this happened. At this point the kindest thing you can do for your current boyfriend is to break up with him. I'd rather be alone forever than be in a relationship with someone who was physically contemptuous of me, even (especially!) behind my back.
In fact, if I was your ex-boyfriend I would have been horrified you said anything like that to me. That's not flirting, that's... that's a statement of your character, that would make you instantly unappealing.
This has all been said above--I'm really just hoping to add to the pile of horrified people answering in the negative, in the hopes that if nothing else you consider the statistical aberration that is those advising you to confess.
I'm going to say it one more time. Horrified.
Like can you imagine what kind of person he would have to be to want to remain in a relationship with you, knowing what you did? Would you even want to be with that kind of person?
posted by danny the boy at 11:11 PM on August 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
In fact, if I was your ex-boyfriend I would have been horrified you said anything like that to me. That's not flirting, that's... that's a statement of your character, that would make you instantly unappealing.
This has all been said above--I'm really just hoping to add to the pile of horrified people answering in the negative, in the hopes that if nothing else you consider the statistical aberration that is those advising you to confess.
I'm going to say it one more time. Horrified.
Like can you imagine what kind of person he would have to be to want to remain in a relationship with you, knowing what you did? Would you even want to be with that kind of person?
posted by danny the boy at 11:11 PM on August 19, 2013 [12 favorites]
Let me illustrate with the opposite. I will never ever stop loving all the generous, wonderful women in my past who have complimented me in such matters. Most of me assumes they were exaggerating or being kind, but I simply DON'T CARE.
BRAIN OFF. EMOTIONS ON.
That's what you're dealing with.
posted by danny the boy at 11:20 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
BRAIN OFF. EMOTIONS ON.
That's what you're dealing with.
posted by danny the boy at 11:20 PM on August 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is one of the weirder, more knee jerk comments I've ever left on here... But honestly, if you're saying this to your ex while dating someone... That person should also be your ex.
Everyone I've met who'd make a comment like this shouldn't have been dating the person they(maybe slightly resented) that they were with. This is weird, slightly passive aggressive, and generally gross. And yes, I'd have the same answer if a guy was posting saying some weird stuff about how his ex had a "tighter body" or whatever. It's just a generally disconcerting mindset that I've seen more than a couple times before.
Disresgard the "should I tell him" question and move back over to the "why was I having this discussion with my ex" question. Even if he directly asked like someone else mentioned above, giving this answer paints a fairly questionable picture of you in this situation.
Everyone I've known whose said shit like this about the current person they were dating has had much wider issues in that relationship. And I regularly interact with enough people that I've seen an amount of this kind of crap I'd measure as "ugh".
posted by emptythought at 2:23 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Everyone I've met who'd make a comment like this shouldn't have been dating the person they(maybe slightly resented) that they were with. This is weird, slightly passive aggressive, and generally gross. And yes, I'd have the same answer if a guy was posting saying some weird stuff about how his ex had a "tighter body" or whatever. It's just a generally disconcerting mindset that I've seen more than a couple times before.
Disresgard the "should I tell him" question and move back over to the "why was I having this discussion with my ex" question. Even if he directly asked like someone else mentioned above, giving this answer paints a fairly questionable picture of you in this situation.
Everyone I've known whose said shit like this about the current person they were dating has had much wider issues in that relationship. And I regularly interact with enough people that I've seen an amount of this kind of crap I'd measure as "ugh".
posted by emptythought at 2:23 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is a ticking timebomb, perhaps your ex- gets drunk sometime and tells a "she said mine is bigger than his" story to his friends and it gets around, or you get drunk and let it slip, or you have an argument and it comes out. Your ex- would be believed because this won't be the only thing you said and he will have supporting details to establish the truth of the story.
It is Catch-22, if you wanted the relationship to last you'd have to tell, but that would end the relationship instantly. There's no going back and there is no fixing this. And even if you split up, maybe especially if you do, the ticking timebomb is still there.
posted by epo at 3:14 AM on August 20, 2013
It is Catch-22, if you wanted the relationship to last you'd have to tell, but that would end the relationship instantly. There's no going back and there is no fixing this. And even if you split up, maybe especially if you do, the ticking timebomb is still there.
posted by epo at 3:14 AM on August 20, 2013
"Penis size of your partner" discussion is off the table with ANYONE. I know you regret it and you feel like crap for it. Don't forget that feeling - and NEVER do something like that again.
Don't say anything. Don't talk to your current boyfriend about it, ever. Forget it ever happened. If the ex spreads it around, deny, deny, deny!
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 3:16 AM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Don't say anything. Don't talk to your current boyfriend about it, ever. Forget it ever happened. If the ex spreads it around, deny, deny, deny!
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 3:16 AM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would not tell him. As is, you have two ex boyfriends, the one you told and your current one. Current just doesn't know it yet.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:16 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 4:16 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh, for fuck's sake.
There's a lot of people who seem to think talking about a boyfriend's penis size is the worst crime you could ever commit. This is, quite frankly, not the case. I would say a majority of ladies talk about their boyfriend's penises or how they use them in bed. Certainly the ones I know. I talk about my husband's penis. There is penis discussion all over the place. Frank, ribald, incredibly detailed penis discussion. Do I talk about penis size? Of course I fucking talk about penis size. Also penis usage, stamina, degrees of skill in various items. There is no need to guiltily confess to your current that you are talking about his penis. It is just part of the territory.
Talking about a penis or sex flaw does not mean that you are "contemptuously" talking about your boyfriend's penis. You might have been talking about your frustrations, your need for figuring out what to do. Maybe you were talking about how much you love him but you wish you could figure the sex thing out. We don't know, because you didn't tell us. Now, if you were actually contemptuously mocking the peen, that's one thing, but if you were just talking, this is not a sin of any kind, much less comparable to cheating.
However, the one significant difference is that this is a thing that is generally meant to be shared with your girlfriends, not men in general, and certainly not your ex-boyfriends. You overshared. It happens. Don't do it again. Your ex, if he is a good guy, will definitely not bring it up, and if he does, no one will believe him anyway. In fact, a very good reason for him not to bring it up is that there is no way he can possibly bring it up - even if he is a sociopath - without looking crazy, obsessed, and a liar.
Relax. Oh, and get the mods to anonymize this, in case your current knows your monikers.
posted by corb at 4:30 AM on August 20, 2013 [65 favorites]
There's a lot of people who seem to think talking about a boyfriend's penis size is the worst crime you could ever commit. This is, quite frankly, not the case. I would say a majority of ladies talk about their boyfriend's penises or how they use them in bed. Certainly the ones I know. I talk about my husband's penis. There is penis discussion all over the place. Frank, ribald, incredibly detailed penis discussion. Do I talk about penis size? Of course I fucking talk about penis size. Also penis usage, stamina, degrees of skill in various items. There is no need to guiltily confess to your current that you are talking about his penis. It is just part of the territory.
Talking about a penis or sex flaw does not mean that you are "contemptuously" talking about your boyfriend's penis. You might have been talking about your frustrations, your need for figuring out what to do. Maybe you were talking about how much you love him but you wish you could figure the sex thing out. We don't know, because you didn't tell us. Now, if you were actually contemptuously mocking the peen, that's one thing, but if you were just talking, this is not a sin of any kind, much less comparable to cheating.
However, the one significant difference is that this is a thing that is generally meant to be shared with your girlfriends, not men in general, and certainly not your ex-boyfriends. You overshared. It happens. Don't do it again. Your ex, if he is a good guy, will definitely not bring it up, and if he does, no one will believe him anyway. In fact, a very good reason for him not to bring it up is that there is no way he can possibly bring it up - even if he is a sociopath - without looking crazy, obsessed, and a liar.
Relax. Oh, and get the mods to anonymize this, in case your current knows your monikers.
posted by corb at 4:30 AM on August 20, 2013 [65 favorites]
I wouldn't tell him: I wouldn't want to hear it. In general, I wouldn't want to be compared, pro or con, to an ex.
To clarify my own comment, I wouldn't want to be compared, pro or con, to an ex, to my face.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:23 AM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
To clarify my own comment, I wouldn't want to be compared, pro or con, to an ex, to my face.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 5:23 AM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Tell him. He has a right to know with what kind of person he is.
posted by MinusCelsius at 5:32 AM on August 20, 2013
posted by MinusCelsius at 5:32 AM on August 20, 2013
You're asking us if you want to follow up something incredibly stupid that you did with something even MORE stupid?
No, you shouldn't. Ever.
posted by madman at 5:35 AM on August 20, 2013
No, you shouldn't. Ever.
posted by madman at 5:35 AM on August 20, 2013
1. Don't tell your boyfriend. This is one of those situations where honest isn't the best policy. All it will do is hurt him.
2. if it comes up, deny deny deny. It will be easy to say "God, my ex is making crazy stuff up!". Denying it ever happened would be quite believable.
3. stop telling your ex-boyfriend intimate details about your current relationship. WTF.
4. have a good LOOOOOONG think on whether you actually want to be with your current boyfriend. Be honest with yourself. I am in agreement with the other people here who think talking to your ex about this kind of thing is extremely inappropriate. I am fine with people being friends with exes, but it seriously crosses a line when conversations touch on subjects relating to current relationship dissatisfact and/or your sexual relationship with your current partner. If an ex said this stuff to me I would take that as the same as them saying "I'm unhappy with my current partner, things were better with you, are you at all interested in trying again". I don't think I am in the minority having that thought process.
Also, does your current boyfriend know that you are on such "friendly" terms with your ex? Does he know how often you talk to him? The level of sharing and intimacy you are sharing with your ex? You should do some major reflection and soul searching if your continued contact with your ex is something you're hiding at ALL from your current partner.
I don't know, I think fact that you are sharing intimate details of your life with your ex, including your dissatisfaction with your current relationship, is almost a bigger problem than the fact that you are telling people that your current boyfriend has a small penis. Your current boyfriend is being doubly disrespected as far as I am concerned. I think you should end it with him so you can be with someone who you don't find lacking sexually, and so that he can be with someone who doesn't find him lacking.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:40 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
2. if it comes up, deny deny deny. It will be easy to say "God, my ex is making crazy stuff up!". Denying it ever happened would be quite believable.
3. stop telling your ex-boyfriend intimate details about your current relationship. WTF.
4. have a good LOOOOOONG think on whether you actually want to be with your current boyfriend. Be honest with yourself. I am in agreement with the other people here who think talking to your ex about this kind of thing is extremely inappropriate. I am fine with people being friends with exes, but it seriously crosses a line when conversations touch on subjects relating to current relationship dissatisfact and/or your sexual relationship with your current partner. If an ex said this stuff to me I would take that as the same as them saying "I'm unhappy with my current partner, things were better with you, are you at all interested in trying again". I don't think I am in the minority having that thought process.
Also, does your current boyfriend know that you are on such "friendly" terms with your ex? Does he know how often you talk to him? The level of sharing and intimacy you are sharing with your ex? You should do some major reflection and soul searching if your continued contact with your ex is something you're hiding at ALL from your current partner.
I don't know, I think fact that you are sharing intimate details of your life with your ex, including your dissatisfaction with your current relationship, is almost a bigger problem than the fact that you are telling people that your current boyfriend has a small penis. Your current boyfriend is being doubly disrespected as far as I am concerned. I think you should end it with him so you can be with someone who you don't find lacking sexually, and so that he can be with someone who doesn't find him lacking.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:40 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Corb says it so well. Penistalk is fine and good but there are rules.
Oh hell yeah me and my friends talk about penises and working that thing and OHMYGODHEKISSEDLIKEAFISHYICK.
But we neverevereverever mock current penis with our ex penis.
That's just wrong.
posted by kinetic at 5:45 AM on August 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
Oh hell yeah me and my friends talk about penises and working that thing and OHMYGODHEKISSEDLIKEAFISHYICK.
But we neverevereverever mock current penis with our ex penis.
That's just wrong.
posted by kinetic at 5:45 AM on August 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
Why on earth would you have said this to anyone, let alone an Ex?
Absolutely do not mention this to your current boyfriend. Also, learn from this, some things are just not meant to be shared, with anyone, ever.
Really think about why you felt the need to say this to your Ex and what it means about you, and your current relationship.
If you're dissatisfied, it may not just be penis size that's involved.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:46 AM on August 20, 2013
Absolutely do not mention this to your current boyfriend. Also, learn from this, some things are just not meant to be shared, with anyone, ever.
Really think about why you felt the need to say this to your Ex and what it means about you, and your current relationship.
If you're dissatisfied, it may not just be penis size that's involved.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:46 AM on August 20, 2013
Of all the possible things you could have mentioned to your ex, your current bf's lack of penis size is absolutely the worst thing you could have picked. The thing that sticks in my head about this is that women know just how touchy the subject of size is to men. You might discuss it with your closest girlfriends, but you never, ever mention it to another man, especially an ex. That dynamic is far too laden with very dangerous mines.
At least in my mind, there's no possible way this was some light, innocent in-passing mention. You have serious issues with your current bf, and you need to discuss them with him.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:06 AM on August 20, 2013
At least in my mind, there's no possible way this was some light, innocent in-passing mention. You have serious issues with your current bf, and you need to discuss them with him.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:06 AM on August 20, 2013
If you told me that, I would break up with you and feel betrayed. I would rather you broke up with me and didn't tell me. I would also assume you were going to sleep with your ex.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:23 AM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 6:23 AM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Once upon a time, I dated a man I'll call Alex. We were together for almost four years. I didn't really know it at the time, because I was barely twenty when we started dating, but Alex had a magnificent penis. A (hopefully not, please GOD hopefully not) once-in-a-lifetime penis. An Excalibur penis. Damn, that thing was magic.
Now that I've gotten enough other penises ahem under my belt, the memory of Alex's penis is like the penis of Damocles hanging over all my new relationships. It's not like every time some dude takes his pants off I'm waiting right then to see whether it compares, but eventually I will be sitting on my porch drinking coffee and I'll think about it and I'll make the comparison. And I won't feel guilty about it. In fact, all I'll feel is regretful that I let Alex's penis go.
So what I'm saying is that I understand your impulse to compare. But in the future, please restrain yourself from voicing what is understandably going on in your head. And for the love of all that is holy, rather than complaining to your Alex about how #newguy's penis doesn't measure up, or telling #newguy about your moment of penis weakness, start training #newguy in How to Use His Non-Alex Penis Better. And remember all the non-penis-related reasons why you aren't with your Alex any more.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 6:32 AM on August 20, 2013 [26 favorites]
Now that I've gotten enough other penises ahem under my belt, the memory of Alex's penis is like the penis of Damocles hanging over all my new relationships. It's not like every time some dude takes his pants off I'm waiting right then to see whether it compares, but eventually I will be sitting on my porch drinking coffee and I'll think about it and I'll make the comparison. And I won't feel guilty about it. In fact, all I'll feel is regretful that I let Alex's penis go.
So what I'm saying is that I understand your impulse to compare. But in the future, please restrain yourself from voicing what is understandably going on in your head. And for the love of all that is holy, rather than complaining to your Alex about how #newguy's penis doesn't measure up, or telling #newguy about your moment of penis weakness, start training #newguy in How to Use His Non-Alex Penis Better. And remember all the non-penis-related reasons why you aren't with your Alex any more.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 6:32 AM on August 20, 2013 [26 favorites]
Adding to the pile on, but also: if, somehow, the ex slips and this gets mentioned to the current, not only did you NOT ever say anything even remotely like that, and haha, isn't ex weird to make that up? but ALSO you would nevereverever say anything like that because it simply is not true (even if it is true).
No good can come of him knowing that you think this.
posted by AmandaA at 6:33 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
No good can come of him knowing that you think this.
posted by AmandaA at 6:33 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Look, granted, I am not a man. While this was a shitty thing to do, I don't think it was more than a shitty thing to do. Figure out why you did it and don't do it again - that's the best way, IMO, to honor the relationship you're in.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:37 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:37 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm basing this, incidentally, on the corollary of my husband telling a hypothetical ex that her nipples were more appealing or something. I'd be seriously hurt if I found out, but I don't think that he'd suddenly be THE KIND OF PERSON WHO DOES THIS SORT OF THING. It would be a fuckup. And I'm sure he does have unflattering comparisons he could make; I just prefer to live in ignorance.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:40 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 6:40 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't tell him. Forgive yourself and move on. Distance yourself from your ex because it sounds like you are too close.
This is not a crime against humanity. It's a sensitive subject because it's not just a physical thing. Some men have bigger penises just like some men are taller and some are fatter. But that's arguably irrelevant. What matters is whether he satisfies you. Does he? I'm thinking that it's possible that you are comparing him to your ex because you are less satisfied. But my satisfaction, at least, comes from knowing and being crazy about my husband. Part of that has always been there but it's definitely grown over time. So if you had been with the ex longer, it might make sense that you were more satisfied then than you are now.
True story: when my husband and I started seeing each other, I mentioned that I had been with dudes who had more going on down south than he did. I realize that was a lousy thing to do. I wasn't trying to be a jerk - it was in the spirit of, "I feel like I can tell you anything!" And I did and there was minimal discussion and no crying, no breaking up, the sun came up the next day, etc. That was almost 10 years ago. We've been married for about three years and 49 weeks. I know he's a saint but I don't think that's even on the top 10 list of crazy things he's forgiven me for. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 6:52 AM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is not a crime against humanity. It's a sensitive subject because it's not just a physical thing. Some men have bigger penises just like some men are taller and some are fatter. But that's arguably irrelevant. What matters is whether he satisfies you. Does he? I'm thinking that it's possible that you are comparing him to your ex because you are less satisfied. But my satisfaction, at least, comes from knowing and being crazy about my husband. Part of that has always been there but it's definitely grown over time. So if you had been with the ex longer, it might make sense that you were more satisfied then than you are now.
True story: when my husband and I started seeing each other, I mentioned that I had been with dudes who had more going on down south than he did. I realize that was a lousy thing to do. I wasn't trying to be a jerk - it was in the spirit of, "I feel like I can tell you anything!" And I did and there was minimal discussion and no crying, no breaking up, the sun came up the next day, etc. That was almost 10 years ago. We've been married for about three years and 49 weeks. I know he's a saint but I don't think that's even on the top 10 list of crazy things he's forgiven me for. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 6:52 AM on August 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Wow, people act like you killed someone. It's not that bad. Yeah, you shouldn't have said it, mostly because it was to your ex, it wouldn't be that bad if you'd been, say, gossiping with girlfriends.
But if course don't tell him! That is what would be really bad, because once you plant that seed of doubt, he'd always be wondering... Are you satisfied, are you comparing him? Just forget it ever happened, and don't compare him to others.
posted by catatethebird at 7:02 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
But if course don't tell him! That is what would be really bad, because once you plant that seed of doubt, he'd always be wondering... Are you satisfied, are you comparing him? Just forget it ever happened, and don't compare him to others.
posted by catatethebird at 7:02 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm a gay guy, so my situation isn't completely analogous to yours, but here's my take on things.
I would be completely creeped out by someone who discussed actual details of their actual partner's genitalia with me, unless I knew that person had their partner's consent to do so. To me, that's a really private and personal thing, unless someone says that it isn't. I'd also be creeped out by the thought of one of my exes discussing MY genitalia with other people. That would make me think badly of my ex for doing such a thing and also badly about myself for wanting to be in a relationship with someone who had no boundaries.
To put this in perspective, I like discussing such matters. I'm pretty open about sex in general. My friends know this and we often chat about "what guys like" (such as that is actually a thing). I've been asked about anal sex ("wash first, use twelve times as much lube as you think you need and the penetratee goes on top"), the best way to give a blowjob ("enthusiastically") and what should a person giving a blowjob do if the guy doesn't mind his manners, keep still during the act and tries to push his penis down the throat of the person doing all of the hard work ("bare your teeth and raise your eyebrow at him"). It's quite possible to openly discuss sex with people and ask for advice or chat about things happening (or not) without it being personal. If you want to talk about yourself and what your particular genital conformation is like, that's cool. Talking about particular other people's tinglybits when you don't have explicit consent to do so is kinda wrong, in my opinion.
I think you're off the hook in a way, because guys don't like to talk about penises, generally. Apparently, they think it makes them sound like they're gay. I've known plenty of straight guys talk about a woman's sexual characteristics. I've never known a single one (well, one who wasn't incredibly drunk) talk about his own or another guys penis.
Perhaps size does matter to you. That's OK. If you like big penises or small penises or glow-in-the-dark penises, that's all fine. The thing is, there are people out there who are OK to say this to, and people who aren't OK to say this to. Unless you're in an extremely unusual situation, your ex is not one of those people.
To actually answer your question, OP, no, I don't think you should tell your current beau. You messed up, but maybe learn from this. Your boyfriend does not need or very probably want to know how big his penis is to that of some other guy that you slept with. He especially doesn't need to know that his is smaller. Porn tells us that bigger is better (amongst other such bullshit), and a lot of us already have hangups about the subject. You aren't going to help matters by telling your boyfriend, and your ex is extremely unlikely to tell him "mine's bigger than yours!", unless he's very very odd. Also, consider how you'd feel in your boyfriend's position - would you want your boyfriend telling his ex-girlfriend that your vagina isn't up to snuff? And if he did that, would you want him to come tell you that he'd told her that?
posted by Solomon at 7:07 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would be completely creeped out by someone who discussed actual details of their actual partner's genitalia with me, unless I knew that person had their partner's consent to do so. To me, that's a really private and personal thing, unless someone says that it isn't. I'd also be creeped out by the thought of one of my exes discussing MY genitalia with other people. That would make me think badly of my ex for doing such a thing and also badly about myself for wanting to be in a relationship with someone who had no boundaries.
To put this in perspective, I like discussing such matters. I'm pretty open about sex in general. My friends know this and we often chat about "what guys like" (such as that is actually a thing). I've been asked about anal sex ("wash first, use twelve times as much lube as you think you need and the penetratee goes on top"), the best way to give a blowjob ("enthusiastically") and what should a person giving a blowjob do if the guy doesn't mind his manners, keep still during the act and tries to push his penis down the throat of the person doing all of the hard work ("bare your teeth and raise your eyebrow at him"). It's quite possible to openly discuss sex with people and ask for advice or chat about things happening (or not) without it being personal. If you want to talk about yourself and what your particular genital conformation is like, that's cool. Talking about particular other people's tinglybits when you don't have explicit consent to do so is kinda wrong, in my opinion.
I think you're off the hook in a way, because guys don't like to talk about penises, generally. Apparently, they think it makes them sound like they're gay. I've known plenty of straight guys talk about a woman's sexual characteristics. I've never known a single one (well, one who wasn't incredibly drunk) talk about his own or another guys penis.
Perhaps size does matter to you. That's OK. If you like big penises or small penises or glow-in-the-dark penises, that's all fine. The thing is, there are people out there who are OK to say this to, and people who aren't OK to say this to. Unless you're in an extremely unusual situation, your ex is not one of those people.
To actually answer your question, OP, no, I don't think you should tell your current beau. You messed up, but maybe learn from this. Your boyfriend does not need or very probably want to know how big his penis is to that of some other guy that you slept with. He especially doesn't need to know that his is smaller. Porn tells us that bigger is better (amongst other such bullshit), and a lot of us already have hangups about the subject. You aren't going to help matters by telling your boyfriend, and your ex is extremely unlikely to tell him "mine's bigger than yours!", unless he's very very odd. Also, consider how you'd feel in your boyfriend's position - would you want your boyfriend telling his ex-girlfriend that your vagina isn't up to snuff? And if he did that, would you want him to come tell you that he'd told her that?
posted by Solomon at 7:07 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Should you confess? No.
I wouldn't be bothered by the comparison as apparently a lot of other people on this thread would be, knowing there's not a damn thing I can do about my size.
To me, the much greater concern would be the betrayal of confidence. That's a separate issue from the subject matter itself. You goofed, but if you want to stay with this guy, that's going to have to be your cross to bear alone.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:29 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't be bothered by the comparison as apparently a lot of other people on this thread would be, knowing there's not a damn thing I can do about my size.
To me, the much greater concern would be the betrayal of confidence. That's a separate issue from the subject matter itself. You goofed, but if you want to stay with this guy, that's going to have to be your cross to bear alone.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:29 AM on August 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Agree on the keep it mum trend.
If it comes up and denying it reveals that he feels inadequate, don't forget to tell him that you're with him and there's a reason your ex is an ex.
posted by plinth at 8:11 AM on August 20, 2013
If it comes up and denying it reveals that he feels inadequate, don't forget to tell him that you're with him and there's a reason your ex is an ex.
posted by plinth at 8:11 AM on August 20, 2013
I know you feel guilty. I know that guilt makes you want to tell him, but no good can come of it. Not only that, it becomes about you again-- the mere act of telling him so makes it about absolving your hurt and guilt -- not about sparing him hurt and pain. So, really, don't.
Not only that, WHO you told is a big issue too. There is a huge competitive dynamic between exes and current partners, and you're supposed to be on the side of your boyfriend. To tell an ex that your partner has something that is physically lacking and he (presumably) doesn't is an ego stroke to your ex (which frankly he doesn't need) and gives him all kind of fodder on your new relationship.
But if you're having trouble and still want to tell him. Let's flip it around. Let's pretend that your boyfriend contacted his ex, and said something along the lines of how pretty her vulva was and how she had a magnificent flower down there and yours was lacking, in some way-- color or length or smell or taste, whatever-- and tell me it wouldn't make your heart twist up and give you a thousand insecurities about your bits. Tell me that it wouldn't cause a huge rift in you and play in the back of your mind every time you were intimate with him.
You don't want that. And if you love him, you don't want to do that to him. And you love him for more than his penis, right? So don't tell him.
But also, I got a ping on the wording you used. "Lacking" -- it's a really negative connotation. His penis isn't lacking, it's his penis and it's exactly the size it's meant to be for him. That may be small, even smaller than average, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is 'lacking' -- Lacking in what way? It's only 'lacking' if you're actively comparing it to someone or something else. I find the word you used kind of telling, and I wonder if this whole thing is indicative of some other issue you're feeling, in the bedroom or otherwise.
posted by Dimes at 9:13 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Not only that, WHO you told is a big issue too. There is a huge competitive dynamic between exes and current partners, and you're supposed to be on the side of your boyfriend. To tell an ex that your partner has something that is physically lacking and he (presumably) doesn't is an ego stroke to your ex (which frankly he doesn't need) and gives him all kind of fodder on your new relationship.
But if you're having trouble and still want to tell him. Let's flip it around. Let's pretend that your boyfriend contacted his ex, and said something along the lines of how pretty her vulva was and how she had a magnificent flower down there and yours was lacking, in some way-- color or length or smell or taste, whatever-- and tell me it wouldn't make your heart twist up and give you a thousand insecurities about your bits. Tell me that it wouldn't cause a huge rift in you and play in the back of your mind every time you were intimate with him.
You don't want that. And if you love him, you don't want to do that to him. And you love him for more than his penis, right? So don't tell him.
But also, I got a ping on the wording you used. "Lacking" -- it's a really negative connotation. His penis isn't lacking, it's his penis and it's exactly the size it's meant to be for him. That may be small, even smaller than average, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it is 'lacking' -- Lacking in what way? It's only 'lacking' if you're actively comparing it to someone or something else. I find the word you used kind of telling, and I wonder if this whole thing is indicative of some other issue you're feeling, in the bedroom or otherwise.
posted by Dimes at 9:13 AM on August 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Consider whether this confession will be good for you or for them. In this case, I think it could only be good for you. And even that's debatable.
posted by zippy at 9:59 AM on August 20, 2013
posted by zippy at 9:59 AM on August 20, 2013
Why on earth would you have said this to anyone, let alone an Ex?
Because it can be a serious sexual issue in a relationship, she might be frustrated, and not everybody takes penises as seriously as Metafilter? (I mean geez, I thought we thought feminists were uptight.)
It would almostly definitely be hurtful to tell him-- don't tell him. But most people think or say something like this about someone they love at some point in their lives, and it's shitty, but you don't have to feel bad forever. You probably will feel guilty as long as you keep seeing and talking to your ex (knowing that he knows), so maybe put some distance there until the air has cleared. Maybe your relationship with your ex is bad for your current, and you should move on.
I was in a relationship with a guy once, and talking to my ex about him. I wasn't 100% with the new relationship at the time, and I let slip a few of my worries, my lack of confidence in the new bf, why he didn't seem reliable or supportive, how he could be childish at times, &c. I felt bad afterward, but it was a very TRUE frustration and something I had to think and work through to deal with the new bf. Should I have kept it to myself, or to me and my close friends? Yes, probably, but it was a slip up, not a cardinal sin. Hearing that my boobs were too small would be hurtful, as would hearing that my bf thought I wasn't sweet or kind enough, or many other criticisms.
It's frankly ridiculous how many men here are saying that women can't understand what it means to hear negative comments about your body-- women put up with cruel, dehumanizing comments about their bodies (and sex organs) every day. Too hairy, too lose, too ugly, &c. "Your penis is small" might hurt a man more than "Could you just shave all the hair off your body, please, and lose some weight, and wear a push-up bra so your boobs don't sag, thanks," but maybe that's only because it's such an isolated incident.
My point being that it was a potentially hurtful and thoughtless thing you did, but this thread is a distortion of how serious male bodies are vs. female bodies. People accidentally complain about their partners sometimes-- just learn to nip it in the bud.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:56 AM on August 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
Because it can be a serious sexual issue in a relationship, she might be frustrated, and not everybody takes penises as seriously as Metafilter? (I mean geez, I thought we thought feminists were uptight.)
It would almostly definitely be hurtful to tell him-- don't tell him. But most people think or say something like this about someone they love at some point in their lives, and it's shitty, but you don't have to feel bad forever. You probably will feel guilty as long as you keep seeing and talking to your ex (knowing that he knows), so maybe put some distance there until the air has cleared. Maybe your relationship with your ex is bad for your current, and you should move on.
I was in a relationship with a guy once, and talking to my ex about him. I wasn't 100% with the new relationship at the time, and I let slip a few of my worries, my lack of confidence in the new bf, why he didn't seem reliable or supportive, how he could be childish at times, &c. I felt bad afterward, but it was a very TRUE frustration and something I had to think and work through to deal with the new bf. Should I have kept it to myself, or to me and my close friends? Yes, probably, but it was a slip up, not a cardinal sin. Hearing that my boobs were too small would be hurtful, as would hearing that my bf thought I wasn't sweet or kind enough, or many other criticisms.
It's frankly ridiculous how many men here are saying that women can't understand what it means to hear negative comments about your body-- women put up with cruel, dehumanizing comments about their bodies (and sex organs) every day. Too hairy, too lose, too ugly, &c. "Your penis is small" might hurt a man more than "Could you just shave all the hair off your body, please, and lose some weight, and wear a push-up bra so your boobs don't sag, thanks," but maybe that's only because it's such an isolated incident.
My point being that it was a potentially hurtful and thoughtless thing you did, but this thread is a distortion of how serious male bodies are vs. female bodies. People accidentally complain about their partners sometimes-- just learn to nip it in the bud.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:56 AM on August 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
Of course, don't tell him. That much, you know by now.
I don't know if I would say "break up with him," but I would say you need to think about how familiar your conversations are with your ex-boyfriend in general, not just about this. I support your right to have men friends, including even your ex, but you have to be awfully careful about how you treat your romantic relationship as a topic of conversation with friends, especially an ex.
Yes, this particular comment was inconsiderate, but the bigger issue is that you're not preserving the privacy and intimacy of your relationship with your boyfriend when you're with your ex. I get the whole "what's the big deal about penis size?" angle people are going for, but it falls under the general category of "potentially seeming to be complaining about your current sex life to a friend," which you should only do under really, really carefully thought out circumstances, which (to me) include NEVER EVER EVER talking about it with an ex.
So no, don't tell him. Think not just about never doing this particular thing again, but about establishing that there are boundaries on your relationship with your ex, and they include being unerringly respectful about -- and never bitching about -- your sex life with your current boyfriend. You have other friends; if you have relationship problems or sexual problems and need to talk, go to them. Don't engage in loose talk in the context most likely to communicate that you don't respect your boyfriend, which is what this is. Not because it's a comment about penis size, but because it really means in some ways that you seem in that moment to be closer to your ex than your boyfriend.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:38 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't know if I would say "break up with him," but I would say you need to think about how familiar your conversations are with your ex-boyfriend in general, not just about this. I support your right to have men friends, including even your ex, but you have to be awfully careful about how you treat your romantic relationship as a topic of conversation with friends, especially an ex.
Yes, this particular comment was inconsiderate, but the bigger issue is that you're not preserving the privacy and intimacy of your relationship with your boyfriend when you're with your ex. I get the whole "what's the big deal about penis size?" angle people are going for, but it falls under the general category of "potentially seeming to be complaining about your current sex life to a friend," which you should only do under really, really carefully thought out circumstances, which (to me) include NEVER EVER EVER talking about it with an ex.
So no, don't tell him. Think not just about never doing this particular thing again, but about establishing that there are boundaries on your relationship with your ex, and they include being unerringly respectful about -- and never bitching about -- your sex life with your current boyfriend. You have other friends; if you have relationship problems or sexual problems and need to talk, go to them. Don't engage in loose talk in the context most likely to communicate that you don't respect your boyfriend, which is what this is. Not because it's a comment about penis size, but because it really means in some ways that you seem in that moment to be closer to your ex than your boyfriend.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:38 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, um, your boyfriend doesn't read metafiter, does he? If so, I would consider asking the mods to make this post anonymous.
Whats worse than hearing this story from your GF? hearing it from the internet.
posted by el io at 12:48 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Whats worse than hearing this story from your GF? hearing it from the internet.
posted by el io at 12:48 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
You certainly shouldn't tell him (now or ever) because it's hurtful without in anyway being useful or constructive, telling him is just mean. Everyone does and says stupid things sometimes, but there's no reason to repeat them. Additionally, if you want to stay with your bf, you shouldn't tell him-if I found out my partner was telling his ex (most other people, eh) something so intimate and personal, and that really is hard to construe as positive in any way (no one ever says someone has a small dick as a positive), I would break up with them, or would be so untrusting in the future that a breakup would be inevitable. It wouldn't matter if the person told me on their own or I heard it from the ex. I however, am not from the "be close friends with your ex's" camp at all, so I'm biased there already and would take particular offense to a partner sharing something like that with an ex. On a side note, does your bf know you are close enough with your ex to share details like that or would that sort of closeness upset him? That's something to think about/consider and even discuss with him with respect to relationship boundaries and what you both think is ok (but not the particulars of this particular issue)!
posted by PinkPoodle at 1:41 PM on August 20, 2013
posted by PinkPoodle at 1:41 PM on August 20, 2013
I would be horrified and sad if I found out that a boyfriend told his ex that my boobs were too small. I don't know that I would feel inspired to take off my shirt in front of him anymore. Ever.
Don't tell him.
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:16 PM on August 20, 2013
Don't tell him.
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:16 PM on August 20, 2013
I don't think it's so bad that you said this to someone. Bad, but not terrible.
If you told your boyfriend about it, that would be terrible.
posted by 4bulafia at 6:13 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you told your boyfriend about it, that would be terrible.
posted by 4bulafia at 6:13 PM on August 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm basing this, incidentally, on the corollary of my husband telling a hypothetical ex that her nipples were more appealing or something.
Not de-feminizing enough to compare. More like if the boyfriend joked with an ex-girlfriend about how your mustache makes it harder to get turned on.
If you told me that, we'd have to break up. Have to. I mean, it's not like I'm deluded into thinking I'm a porn star or anything, but I'm pretty happy with myself. If I found out that you, my safe trusted person in the world, were thinking contemptuous thoughts about a part of me I can't change, and telling these thoughts to someone else much less an ex of yours? No amount of reassurance on your part could ever get that insecurity out of the back of my mind. We'd be done.
Don't tell. If he somehow ends up hearing about it anyway, well, same effect.
posted by ctmf at 8:44 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
Not de-feminizing enough to compare. More like if the boyfriend joked with an ex-girlfriend about how your mustache makes it harder to get turned on.
If you told me that, we'd have to break up. Have to. I mean, it's not like I'm deluded into thinking I'm a porn star or anything, but I'm pretty happy with myself. If I found out that you, my safe trusted person in the world, were thinking contemptuous thoughts about a part of me I can't change, and telling these thoughts to someone else much less an ex of yours? No amount of reassurance on your part could ever get that insecurity out of the back of my mind. We'd be done.
Don't tell. If he somehow ends up hearing about it anyway, well, same effect.
posted by ctmf at 8:44 PM on August 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
Don't even think of telling him such a thing. End your relationship with your current boyfriend, then lock yourself in a closet for at least a year until you learn - absolutely - that you must think about what you're saying BEFORE you open your mouth.
If this stuff ever hits the fan, you lie and deny all.
posted by aryma at 12:12 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
If this stuff ever hits the fan, you lie and deny all.
posted by aryma at 12:12 AM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Put it in the vault. Odds are it'll stay there unless your ex is some kind of jerkfaced blabbermouth.
If you ever feel the need to talk about your boyfriend's anatomy to someone else again, make it your therapist, or that special sister who's been keeping your secrets since you were four.
The fact that you chose the word "lacking," rather than something value-neutral like "smaller," "shorter," or "narrower," makes me think that you may be feeling unsatisfied with that part of your relationship. That's something that if you want to talk about, your boyfriend seems like the obvious candidate, or a couple's therapist.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:37 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you ever feel the need to talk about your boyfriend's anatomy to someone else again, make it your therapist, or that special sister who's been keeping your secrets since you were four.
The fact that you chose the word "lacking," rather than something value-neutral like "smaller," "shorter," or "narrower," makes me think that you may be feeling unsatisfied with that part of your relationship. That's something that if you want to talk about, your boyfriend seems like the obvious candidate, or a couple's therapist.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:37 PM on August 21, 2013 [1 favorite]
Guys, guys, there's nothing in her post that says it was contemptuous. People are really projecting here. And despite the fact that it "can't be changed," if it's a real problem for them sexually, techniques can be changed, let's not panic.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:31 PM on August 22, 2013
posted by stoneandstar at 9:31 PM on August 22, 2013
I dunno, stoneandstar, the choice of audience is what came across as contemptuous (and possibly even unconsciously calculated) to me. Certainly techniques can be changed, but it takes a certain level of trust.
posted by gingerest at 10:55 PM on August 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by gingerest at 10:55 PM on August 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
No.
No no no no no.
No no no.
No.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:29 PM on August 19, 2013 [156 favorites]