It didn't succeed...try, try again?
August 12, 2013 2:32 PM Subscribe
So one relationship didn't work out. Is it horribly rude to resume communicating with someone else who may know or be a friend with the other person?
Several months ago I contacted two women on OKCupid at the same time. One, Sarah, responded almost immediately. The other, Jane, responded about a week later. I continued to message both of them. With Sarah we heard from each other almost daily, with Jane we each sent a message about once a week. After about three messages with Jane I began to suspect the two might know each other: they had both gone to the same small college (about 500 students) at about the same time, though they didn't graduate the same year, both were biology majors, and Jane lived in the same small town as Sarah's parents and taught at the same school as Sarah's mother.
About the time I met Sarah I let things peter out with Jane. I thought that would be less awkward than meeting with both, possibly hitting it off with both, then having to say to one, "I'm going exclusive with your acquaintance/friend." And it seemed that Sarah was the one to continue things with, as we were messaging far more frequently.
About two months ago Sarah told me she was no longer interested (we were never officially dating; in fact, we met in person fewer than ten times do to some family issues occurring at the same time). We parted friendly, though we haven't communicated since.
I've been thinking about trying to start communication up with Jane again, but have two concerns. First of all, would this just be incredibly rude to one (or both) of them, if indeed they are acquaintances or friends? Secondly, if things were to work out with Jane, how to tell her about having spent some time seeing Sarah.
Several months ago I contacted two women on OKCupid at the same time. One, Sarah, responded almost immediately. The other, Jane, responded about a week later. I continued to message both of them. With Sarah we heard from each other almost daily, with Jane we each sent a message about once a week. After about three messages with Jane I began to suspect the two might know each other: they had both gone to the same small college (about 500 students) at about the same time, though they didn't graduate the same year, both were biology majors, and Jane lived in the same small town as Sarah's parents and taught at the same school as Sarah's mother.
About the time I met Sarah I let things peter out with Jane. I thought that would be less awkward than meeting with both, possibly hitting it off with both, then having to say to one, "I'm going exclusive with your acquaintance/friend." And it seemed that Sarah was the one to continue things with, as we were messaging far more frequently.
About two months ago Sarah told me she was no longer interested (we were never officially dating; in fact, we met in person fewer than ten times do to some family issues occurring at the same time). We parted friendly, though we haven't communicated since.
I've been thinking about trying to start communication up with Jane again, but have two concerns. First of all, would this just be incredibly rude to one (or both) of them, if indeed they are acquaintances or friends? Secondly, if things were to work out with Jane, how to tell her about having spent some time seeing Sarah.
If I'm reading this right, you have compared biographical details, and think that these two women could conceivably be in each other's orbit based on separate interactions--and thus are worried that it might be weird if #2 were to discover that you were flirty with #1, but never actually dated, and you and #1 ceased communicating on friendly terms?
Is that right? I wouldn't worry about it. If it ever comes up, I'd personally just say, "Wow, that's so weird--It never occurred to me that you two would know each other. What a small world."
In my mind, the real question is whether #2 wants to hear from you after you petered out with her, but I suppose you won't know until you try.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:40 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is that right? I wouldn't worry about it. If it ever comes up, I'd personally just say, "Wow, that's so weird--It never occurred to me that you two would know each other. What a small world."
In my mind, the real question is whether #2 wants to hear from you after you petered out with her, but I suppose you won't know until you try.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:40 PM on August 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
1) You are just assuming they know each other. They might not actually know each other.
2) And even if they did, who cares? Why would it be rude? You got turned down by a person. You are free to date other persons.
3) If you eventually start seeing Jane, you could always say something like "hey, the last OKC person I dated was also from Podunkville. Any chance you know a Sarah Lastname?" Or not say anything at all. Because it's not a big deal.
posted by phunniemee at 2:47 PM on August 12, 2013
2) And even if they did, who cares? Why would it be rude? You got turned down by a person. You are free to date other persons.
3) If you eventually start seeing Jane, you could always say something like "hey, the last OKC person I dated was also from Podunkville. Any chance you know a Sarah Lastname?" Or not say anything at all. Because it's not a big deal.
posted by phunniemee at 2:47 PM on August 12, 2013
No, it is not rude to date two separate people at separate times who happen to know each other. It is sometimes really awkward, like if they are twins or roommates, but it sounds like this isn't in that category.
posted by jacalata at 4:05 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by jacalata at 4:05 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
1) No, not rude. If they turn out to be friends who care about that sort of thing, one of them will let you know.
2) Unless you meet Sarah while out with Jane or it somehow comes up in a conversation, there is really no reason to tell her this.
posted by sm1tten at 4:46 PM on August 12, 2013
2) Unless you meet Sarah while out with Jane or it somehow comes up in a conversation, there is really no reason to tell her this.
posted by sm1tten at 4:46 PM on August 12, 2013
The only way that would be weird is if Sarah and Jane are in an open relationship with each other.
...because yes, that totally did happen to me. Otherwise, though, you're good.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:10 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
...because yes, that totally did happen to me. Otherwise, though, you're good.
posted by restless_nomad at 5:10 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
I dated 2 people in a row that went to the same university. The only one who felt awkward about it was me, because then I had to explain to people, "This is my boyfriend Z, he's from State and went to State University . . . No, you're thinking of Y, my ex."
In my case the school was so big there was no way that the 2 guys would have known each other, but I think even if they had it wouldn't have been weird - outside of everyone I know assuming I have a thing for State University dudes.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:47 PM on August 12, 2013
In my case the school was so big there was no way that the 2 guys would have known each other, but I think even if they had it wouldn't have been weird - outside of everyone I know assuming I have a thing for State University dudes.
posted by chainsofreedom at 5:47 PM on August 12, 2013
Relevant personal experience: attended a college with about 1200 students.
So you are worried about dating an acquaintance of someone you met with 10 times, because they both went to the same 500 person college. What if they had met, you'd be dating someone who met someone else you'd been interested in, horrors!
Think about that for a minute.
Do you really think that people at a college of 500 people would have a problem with dating someone who had gone on a date or two previously (or even been in a relationship with) with a person who had been in a few of their classes, or a person they knew from work, or who was in a club with them, or who was a friend of a friend, or maybe even all of the above??? Imagine you were at this school of 500 people, if none of those are acceptable, how small is YOUR dating pool after a year?
Unless she swore off dating entirely in college, she's probably been in this situation before. If she didn't have that experience, she's known plenty of people who did. You say you haven't even been dating Sarah, I'm not seeing what the problem is here.
Secondly, if things were to work out with Jane, how to tell her about having spent some time seeing Sarah.
Don't wait to tell her until it works out, mention it on the first date. In general, this is only going to be a big deal if you hide it. The exception is going to be if Jane has some problem with you having dated Sarah in particular, not some random person she has met, and you are both better off to find that out right away.
OTOH, maybe would find something immoral and scandalous with Jane dating someone who had dated other people she knew. If that's a problem for you, don't ask her out.
posted by yohko at 11:15 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
So you are worried about dating an acquaintance of someone you met with 10 times, because they both went to the same 500 person college. What if they had met, you'd be dating someone who met someone else you'd been interested in, horrors!
Think about that for a minute.
Do you really think that people at a college of 500 people would have a problem with dating someone who had gone on a date or two previously (or even been in a relationship with) with a person who had been in a few of their classes, or a person they knew from work, or who was in a club with them, or who was a friend of a friend, or maybe even all of the above??? Imagine you were at this school of 500 people, if none of those are acceptable, how small is YOUR dating pool after a year?
Unless she swore off dating entirely in college, she's probably been in this situation before. If she didn't have that experience, she's known plenty of people who did. You say you haven't even been dating Sarah, I'm not seeing what the problem is here.
Secondly, if things were to work out with Jane, how to tell her about having spent some time seeing Sarah.
Don't wait to tell her until it works out, mention it on the first date. In general, this is only going to be a big deal if you hide it. The exception is going to be if Jane has some problem with you having dated Sarah in particular, not some random person she has met, and you are both better off to find that out right away.
OTOH, maybe would find something immoral and scandalous with Jane dating someone who had dated other people she knew. If that's a problem for you, don't ask her out.
posted by yohko at 11:15 PM on August 12, 2013 [1 favorite]
The chances of someone knowing another person who was in all their college classes: decent. And a very large portion of that class would have dated each other.
The chance of them knowing the class above or below them? Not all that high.
Also, the whole don't date your ex's friend applies when:
A) they were actually your ex and it was by some definition 'serious' (which may vary from sex to several months of dating depending on the person). This doesn't apply to you.
B) you know they're actually friends. You don't. It's actually unlikely.
C) they are the kind of person to object. Most aren't.
If you REALLY want to know without asking, attempt to locate 'Sarah' on Jane's facebook. Or Jane on Sarah's. Should one of them not exist on the other's facebook, assume they are not close friends and proceed as you wish. (I am assuming they went to college relatively recently, and thus are likely to have said facebook account. If they went to college more than 5 years ago, chances are that even if they DID know each other, they're out of contact, unless they were best friends.)
posted by Ashlyth at 12:50 AM on August 13, 2013
The chance of them knowing the class above or below them? Not all that high.
Also, the whole don't date your ex's friend applies when:
A) they were actually your ex and it was by some definition 'serious' (which may vary from sex to several months of dating depending on the person). This doesn't apply to you.
B) you know they're actually friends. You don't. It's actually unlikely.
C) they are the kind of person to object. Most aren't.
If you REALLY want to know without asking, attempt to locate 'Sarah' on Jane's facebook. Or Jane on Sarah's. Should one of them not exist on the other's facebook, assume they are not close friends and proceed as you wish. (I am assuming they went to college relatively recently, and thus are likely to have said facebook account. If they went to college more than 5 years ago, chances are that even if they DID know each other, they're out of contact, unless they were best friends.)
posted by Ashlyth at 12:50 AM on August 13, 2013
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It's not like they're sisters. For all you know, they've never even met!
And if they do know each other, I predict it will go:
"Oh, you went on some dates with my friend Whoever? How funny!"
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:37 PM on August 12, 2013