Cuddling/sleeping without claustrophobia or pain?
August 1, 2013 9:48 PM Subscribe
My fiance loves to cuddle with me and sleep all entwined together in the bed. I also enjoy this affection very much, however, I have two problems: 1) my life-long back and neck problems, and 2) my mild claustrophobia. Please help us figure out a way to be comfortable enough together in the same bed to get some quality rest!
Additional relevant details:
- I am a back or a side sleeper, he is the same. He is physically larger (taller and heavier) than me by about six inches and sixty-ish muscley pounds.
- He likes to sleep with his arm around me, leaning on my body (twisting it which leads to pain- unacceptable for obvious reasons). He would also really like to put his leg over my legs, but due to the aforementioned claustrophobia (mild- really only when I feel my legs are trapped), I have forbid that absolutely. I can handle it for about 20 seconds before I have the urge to start kicking my legs and struggling. NOT CONDUCIVE TO SLEEP.
- Sometimes we go to sleep holding hands or touching/entwining arms (which I find totally acceptable and enjoyable), but then in the night I wake up and he's draped over me, twisting my back painfully or scrunching up my shoulder leading to neck issues. It's simply a matter of me waking him up, asking "Could you turn/move over?" and then he sleepily complies, but again, not conducive to rest. Plus I'll have a tense and sore back or neck when I wake up. Important detail: he initiates this draping while asleep. He's not being inconsiderate, he's just literally not conscious.
- Also possibly relevant: the size of the bed doesn't seem to matter. King size hotel bed? He's still all over me in his sleep. Tiny, twin-bed-sized couch? Literally no difference in sleeping position for this guy. Same misery for me.
So. What we're looking for are suggestions for sleeping positions, or strategies, or arrangements, or whatever! Anything you think could help us sleep better together would help... especially since we've recently committed to sleeping together for the foreseeable future! Which is an awesome and exciting thing!!!
Additional relevant details:
- I am a back or a side sleeper, he is the same. He is physically larger (taller and heavier) than me by about six inches and sixty-ish muscley pounds.
- He likes to sleep with his arm around me, leaning on my body (twisting it which leads to pain- unacceptable for obvious reasons). He would also really like to put his leg over my legs, but due to the aforementioned claustrophobia (mild- really only when I feel my legs are trapped), I have forbid that absolutely. I can handle it for about 20 seconds before I have the urge to start kicking my legs and struggling. NOT CONDUCIVE TO SLEEP.
- Sometimes we go to sleep holding hands or touching/entwining arms (which I find totally acceptable and enjoyable), but then in the night I wake up and he's draped over me, twisting my back painfully or scrunching up my shoulder leading to neck issues. It's simply a matter of me waking him up, asking "Could you turn/move over?" and then he sleepily complies, but again, not conducive to rest. Plus I'll have a tense and sore back or neck when I wake up. Important detail: he initiates this draping while asleep. He's not being inconsiderate, he's just literally not conscious.
- Also possibly relevant: the size of the bed doesn't seem to matter. King size hotel bed? He's still all over me in his sleep. Tiny, twin-bed-sized couch? Literally no difference in sleeping position for this guy. Same misery for me.
So. What we're looking for are suggestions for sleeping positions, or strategies, or arrangements, or whatever! Anything you think could help us sleep better together would help... especially since we've recently committed to sleeping together for the foreseeable future! Which is an awesome and exciting thing!!!
Seconding a body pillow. I very much prefer to sleep in the same position as your boyfriend, and a compliant bed partner would be great, but, lacking that, I just have an extra king-size pillow in the middle of the bed that I sprawl over. Keeps my neck and hips in a comfortable position, and no one suffers.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:20 PM on August 1, 2013
posted by restless_nomad at 10:20 PM on August 1, 2013
You can get a euro-style pillow, instead of a body pillow. It's got a lot of bulk to hold on to.
posted by empath at 10:21 PM on August 1, 2013
posted by empath at 10:21 PM on August 1, 2013
Heavy duty body pillow, I mean a good one not a $10 cheapo. or the curvy kind they sell to pregnant women. Sleep with a hand under him or vice versa.
posted by tilde at 11:05 PM on August 1, 2013
posted by tilde at 11:05 PM on August 1, 2013
If a body pillow isn't right, some combination of smaller pillows for the both of you might work out well, so you could adjust as-needed. Not just regular rectangular pillows, but small round ones and bolsters. They can do a great job of keeping legs from squirming and sides feeling cuddled while leaving, say, your upper body free for touching.
posted by Mizu at 11:11 PM on August 1, 2013
posted by Mizu at 11:11 PM on August 1, 2013
Yeah, my first thought was pillows between you. If you want to test the theory you could always try pillows you already have and see if that seems like it might work before going out and buying special pillows.
I'm with you: cuddling is nice, but not conducive to sleeping.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:04 AM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm with you: cuddling is nice, but not conducive to sleeping.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:04 AM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds like your fiance likes to sleep on his side or stomach - have you tried switching sides of the bed? My SO likes to throw a leg over mine or put an arm around me, but he also seems to prefer to sleep on his right side. We've switched sides of the bed once or twice, and there was definitely less cuddling.
posted by dinofuzz at 5:57 AM on August 2, 2013
posted by dinofuzz at 5:57 AM on August 2, 2013
Best answer: especially since we've recently committed to sleeping together for the foreseeable future!
Assuming this is just a jokey reference to the fact of your engagement, don't forget that there's plenty of evidence to suggest that doing the actual sleeping part in separate beds might lead to better sleep and perhaps more happiness all round. Just make sure you're not ruling this option out just because you think it says something bad about a relationship! (Apologies if you consider this to be questioning the premise of your post.)
posted by oliverburkeman at 6:34 AM on August 2, 2013
Assuming this is just a jokey reference to the fact of your engagement, don't forget that there's plenty of evidence to suggest that doing the actual sleeping part in separate beds might lead to better sleep and perhaps more happiness all round. Just make sure you're not ruling this option out just because you think it says something bad about a relationship! (Apologies if you consider this to be questioning the premise of your post.)
posted by oliverburkeman at 6:34 AM on August 2, 2013
Best answer: I'm an advocate of separate bedrooms. We have a king in the master and that's where all fun stuff happens, including TV with kitties, but sleep is sleep and after 40 years of sleeping by myself, I just can't get a good night's sleep with other people in my bed.
It sounds awful for some reason, but I'm extremely well rested and so is Husbunny.
Sleeping together sounds romantic, but sometimes all it does is rob you of rest and that's NOT romantic.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:35 AM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds awful for some reason, but I'm extremely well rested and so is Husbunny.
Sleeping together sounds romantic, but sometimes all it does is rob you of rest and that's NOT romantic.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:35 AM on August 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
I like to cuddle and snuggle in bed but not during sleep. I also have back and neck problems, and am a bit chlaustrophobic. I really don't think that cuddling while you're sleeping is a requirement. Just sleep on separate sides of the bed!
posted by radioamy at 7:41 AM on August 2, 2013
posted by radioamy at 7:41 AM on August 2, 2013
YOu could try same bed, separate blankets. It could be enough of a barrier that a sleep person might not be able to overcome. Also, pillow wall.
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:11 AM on August 2, 2013
posted by cranberrymonger at 8:11 AM on August 2, 2013
My husband used to do this, and add snoring in my ear into the picture. It took me three solid months to retrain "sleeping husband" (with his approval) to sleep on his other side. Basically I would just wake him up enough to get him to roll over and he would fall back asleep facing the way that stopped him from trying to crush me with love. Now he sleeps on that side by default. So he doesn't feel unloved I snuggle him from behind for a bit before I start to fall asleep and then I roll onto my side and we both sleep comfortably.
Getting a King sized bed also helped oh so much too.
posted by wwax at 8:28 AM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
Getting a King sized bed also helped oh so much too.
posted by wwax at 8:28 AM on August 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am your husband, I would prefer to sleep completely wrapped around another person. Apparently I will also chase my partner across the bed in search of cuddles while asleep.
Last year I had surgery and was required to sleep in a specific position and cuddling was straight out. A long skinny pillow between us seemed to do the trick. (It's embarrassing, but I believe the one I bought was called a "snoogle.")
posted by epanalepsis at 12:30 PM on August 2, 2013
Last year I had surgery and was required to sleep in a specific position and cuddling was straight out. A long skinny pillow between us seemed to do the trick. (It's embarrassing, but I believe the one I bought was called a "snoogle.")
posted by epanalepsis at 12:30 PM on August 2, 2013
yea, my boyfriend is cuddly sleeper, and I wake up very easily. Separate blankets, and sometimes a pillow in between us. Then he can lean on the pillow, but we can still hold hands, or keep out feet warm together without him actually putting weight on me.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:38 PM on August 2, 2013
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:38 PM on August 2, 2013
Can you be the big spoon? My husband is a cuddly draper as well, and giving him a pillow to snuggle plus me becoming the big spoon (or as he likes to call it the jet pack) helped.
More recently, we got a dog almost as big as me who, as it turns out, loves being the little spoon (ymmv!). That, and a brazilian hammock he often sleeps in now that it's summer.
posted by bookdragoness at 4:26 PM on August 2, 2013
More recently, we got a dog almost as big as me who, as it turns out, loves being the little spoon (ymmv!). That, and a brazilian hammock he often sleeps in now that it's summer.
posted by bookdragoness at 4:26 PM on August 2, 2013
Best answer: I was also coming in to recommend a body pillow. When Mr Pod and I first got together I was quite attached to sleeping all snuggled up, but he has back problems and is a much worse sleeper than me, so there was every chance of him lying there all night, unable to sleep and unable to roll over because of how I was sleeping.
So I bought a $15 body pillow. Now at bedtime we have a period of snuggling, and then we say good night, and I roll over and sleep wrapped around my body pillow. The one problem this causes is that sometimes the pillow ends up in the middle of the bed, leaving husband with less room to sleep. But it sounds like that might still be an improvement for you.
posted by escapepod at 7:22 PM on August 2, 2013
So I bought a $15 body pillow. Now at bedtime we have a period of snuggling, and then we say good night, and I roll over and sleep wrapped around my body pillow. The one problem this causes is that sometimes the pillow ends up in the middle of the bed, leaving husband with less room to sleep. But it sounds like that might still be an improvement for you.
posted by escapepod at 7:22 PM on August 2, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Would he be willing to try a body pillow? I don't have one myself but I've often thought of getting one just for this purpose. He can get as cuddly as he wants with it, legs over the top, twisted around his body, or whatever he wants, while saving your sleep and sanity in the process.
posted by SquidLips at 10:06 PM on August 1, 2013 [5 favorites]