How To Keep My Morale Up When I've Never Had Any Type Of Relationship
July 27, 2013 6:07 AM Subscribe
How can I cope with the weight of being single pretty much my whole life (29 years old) - it's wearing me down and killing my self esteem. A few snowflakes inside.
I'm a 29 year old gay female. I'm fairly decent looking (not a supermodel but not ugly), in very good shape, good job, accomplished in an artistic hobby that has gotten me a good amount of recognition in my field, and I have a very rich social life. I came out late, at 27. In my life up to that point the only relationship I had ever been in was a very tame dating relationship with a guy in college who I saw of as more of a friend, and had to try to force myself to like in a romantic way. Once I saw that wasn't happening I broke up with him. Not many of my friends dated in college, so it was easy to just coast along (and then several of my friends ended up coming out after college).
I spent several years desperately trying to pray away the gay and hoping I'd fall for a guy. When I finally realized I had to come to terms with my sexuality it was a long road of trying to reconcile it with Christianity. So I came out almost 2 years ago.
In that timeframe I've fallen for two gay friends of mine that ended in two heartbreaks (rejection and them getting with someone else pretty much right in front of me). Each of those wore me down into a depression for a good couple months each.
However, despite that, I've been constantly on the move - going out with gay friends, networking, meeting lots of lesbians, going on a few online dates, asking out another girl who rejected me again after seeming to clearly flirt with me. So I've really been in the mix - if there's a social activity going on I don't stay home if I can help it.
I've grown a lot since coming out - from desperately hiding any sign of affection for people I like to attempting to take the bull by the horns and ask people out. It's still rather hard for me to openly flirt and show affection to someone I might have a crush on (and am unsure of how they feel), but I'm working on it.
I just can't seem to get anything to work, and it's wearing me down a lot. It's almost turning into a complex. Finding someone I like who likes me back seems like an impossible scenario at this point.
It's super painful to see couples in public, or watch romance movies because all I can see is something I so desperately want but have never had. When friends get into relationships or go on great dates, it is like a knife in my heart when they tell me and I try hard to maintain a facade of support and happiness for them (very difficult when you're feeling utterly rejected by every romantic interest you've ever had).
I guess the point is, I'm 29 and I have this growing sense of crushing sadness about never having had that mutual loving human touch, never having had sex, never having had a relationship. I've kissed people, guys and girls, but never someone I've had feelings for. I'm not gonna lie - the ache of never having found that in my life even in a casual sense is breaking me down to the point where I often go home from a night out and just end up crying.
I guess I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this cloud of inadequacy that is hanging over me all the time. I AM going to therapy, which has been extremely helpful, but she doesn't give a lot of "advice." This is one issue I keep coming back to/is getting worse. I guess I'm looking for people who may have been in my shoes and have gotten through it, or strategies to keep my morale up in the meantime while I keep plodding away trying to meet someone. Even my therapist agrees that I've had some awful luck.
Yes, I have had a couple people show some vague interest in me, but I just wasn't interested in them (another sad and frustrating thing).
I realize I haven't been on the scene for relatively that long - but it's hard to watch almost every single friend of mine in that time period either find someone, have an entire relationship, or just go on a series of fun "flings" (something I can't really do but I'm still jealous of). The basic fact is that even though I've only been "out" 2 years, I've been involuntarily celibate for my entire life - and as a human I have certain needs/desires for intimacy that just have never even been touched let alone met in any form. I've wanted a relationship my whole life - and that want also got way more intense once I came out and started fully living my life truthfully. I almost get nauseous when I think about all the lost time, but I try not to dwell on that.
I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to cope with the loneliness in the meantime and not become bitter and negative. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but it's killing me to go home alone every night while everyone else I know is going home with their significant other / date / fling.
I'm a 29 year old gay female. I'm fairly decent looking (not a supermodel but not ugly), in very good shape, good job, accomplished in an artistic hobby that has gotten me a good amount of recognition in my field, and I have a very rich social life. I came out late, at 27. In my life up to that point the only relationship I had ever been in was a very tame dating relationship with a guy in college who I saw of as more of a friend, and had to try to force myself to like in a romantic way. Once I saw that wasn't happening I broke up with him. Not many of my friends dated in college, so it was easy to just coast along (and then several of my friends ended up coming out after college).
I spent several years desperately trying to pray away the gay and hoping I'd fall for a guy. When I finally realized I had to come to terms with my sexuality it was a long road of trying to reconcile it with Christianity. So I came out almost 2 years ago.
In that timeframe I've fallen for two gay friends of mine that ended in two heartbreaks (rejection and them getting with someone else pretty much right in front of me). Each of those wore me down into a depression for a good couple months each.
However, despite that, I've been constantly on the move - going out with gay friends, networking, meeting lots of lesbians, going on a few online dates, asking out another girl who rejected me again after seeming to clearly flirt with me. So I've really been in the mix - if there's a social activity going on I don't stay home if I can help it.
I've grown a lot since coming out - from desperately hiding any sign of affection for people I like to attempting to take the bull by the horns and ask people out. It's still rather hard for me to openly flirt and show affection to someone I might have a crush on (and am unsure of how they feel), but I'm working on it.
I just can't seem to get anything to work, and it's wearing me down a lot. It's almost turning into a complex. Finding someone I like who likes me back seems like an impossible scenario at this point.
It's super painful to see couples in public, or watch romance movies because all I can see is something I so desperately want but have never had. When friends get into relationships or go on great dates, it is like a knife in my heart when they tell me and I try hard to maintain a facade of support and happiness for them (very difficult when you're feeling utterly rejected by every romantic interest you've ever had).
I guess the point is, I'm 29 and I have this growing sense of crushing sadness about never having had that mutual loving human touch, never having had sex, never having had a relationship. I've kissed people, guys and girls, but never someone I've had feelings for. I'm not gonna lie - the ache of never having found that in my life even in a casual sense is breaking me down to the point where I often go home from a night out and just end up crying.
I guess I'm looking for advice on how to deal with this cloud of inadequacy that is hanging over me all the time. I AM going to therapy, which has been extremely helpful, but she doesn't give a lot of "advice." This is one issue I keep coming back to/is getting worse. I guess I'm looking for people who may have been in my shoes and have gotten through it, or strategies to keep my morale up in the meantime while I keep plodding away trying to meet someone. Even my therapist agrees that I've had some awful luck.
Yes, I have had a couple people show some vague interest in me, but I just wasn't interested in them (another sad and frustrating thing).
I realize I haven't been on the scene for relatively that long - but it's hard to watch almost every single friend of mine in that time period either find someone, have an entire relationship, or just go on a series of fun "flings" (something I can't really do but I'm still jealous of). The basic fact is that even though I've only been "out" 2 years, I've been involuntarily celibate for my entire life - and as a human I have certain needs/desires for intimacy that just have never even been touched let alone met in any form. I've wanted a relationship my whole life - and that want also got way more intense once I came out and started fully living my life truthfully. I almost get nauseous when I think about all the lost time, but I try not to dwell on that.
I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to cope with the loneliness in the meantime and not become bitter and negative. I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but it's killing me to go home alone every night while everyone else I know is going home with their significant other / date / fling.
Be gentle on yourself. I'm straight, good looking, and adorable, and it took me till I was 26-27 to find a good relationship. And I worked on myself and had a very good idea of what I wanted in a relationship/lady. You are either still struggling with or just recently overcame religion, the closet, and self acceptance. You are doing good, and going in the right direction.
So. Calm down, breathe. :) Relax. Support yourself. Make a list, on paper, of the traits you want in your lady. Seriously, consider it for a few days and make a good, solid list. Then, stop worrying about the Dating and Relationships and OMG the whole thing. Take some time to get to know ladies more. One will come, you are doing most everything right. But enjoy your life, your socializing, the flirting, but don't pursue a relationship full speed, Needing It So Bad It Hurts. (been there, done that, and it just does not work) If someone does come along who does match your list, pursue that, obviously!
Oh, and the more you like yourself and love yourself, the more others will see an interesting, healthy You and want some of that. :)
posted by Jacen at 6:39 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
So. Calm down, breathe. :) Relax. Support yourself. Make a list, on paper, of the traits you want in your lady. Seriously, consider it for a few days and make a good, solid list. Then, stop worrying about the Dating and Relationships and OMG the whole thing. Take some time to get to know ladies more. One will come, you are doing most everything right. But enjoy your life, your socializing, the flirting, but don't pursue a relationship full speed, Needing It So Bad It Hurts. (been there, done that, and it just does not work) If someone does come along who does match your list, pursue that, obviously!
Oh, and the more you like yourself and love yourself, the more others will see an interesting, healthy You and want some of that. :)
posted by Jacen at 6:39 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. This is totally understandable but also soul crushing. The best thing to do would be to relax. You sound like a catch. If you stress out the desperation will start to show and for most people this is a serious turn off.
I realize that advice to relax is not terribly helpful so I have secondary advice that someone once gave me when I was a younger more recently out lesbian: be the girl you want to fuck. In your case it may be be the girl you want to fall in love with but either way I think it's good advice. Live with confidence in yourself whether you are single or coupled up. If you can't truly feel that confidence then fake it until it starts to take hold.
posted by Cuke at 6:54 AM on July 27, 2013
I realize that advice to relax is not terribly helpful so I have secondary advice that someone once gave me when I was a younger more recently out lesbian: be the girl you want to fuck. In your case it may be be the girl you want to fall in love with but either way I think it's good advice. Live with confidence in yourself whether you are single or coupled up. If you can't truly feel that confidence then fake it until it starts to take hold.
posted by Cuke at 6:54 AM on July 27, 2013
Mainly, you just have to keep trying.
> I'm not gonna lie - the ache of never having found that in my life even in a casual sense is breaking me down to the point where I often go home from a night out and just end up crying.
This is more common than you might think. I don't know if it helps to know this, but you're not an outlier freak here.
> I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to cope with the loneliness in the meantime and not become bitter and negative.
You probably will, at least a little. Loneliness sucks. The only advice I have for coping with it is to cultivate your other non-romantic relationships with friends or family. It's not the same, but it can help some.
Are you on any dating sites? You probably should be, for the practice at dating as much as anything else.
Since you are trying and not giving up I like your odds over the long run. Good luck.
posted by mattu at 6:56 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
> I'm not gonna lie - the ache of never having found that in my life even in a casual sense is breaking me down to the point where I often go home from a night out and just end up crying.
This is more common than you might think. I don't know if it helps to know this, but you're not an outlier freak here.
> I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to cope with the loneliness in the meantime and not become bitter and negative.
You probably will, at least a little. Loneliness sucks. The only advice I have for coping with it is to cultivate your other non-romantic relationships with friends or family. It's not the same, but it can help some.
Are you on any dating sites? You probably should be, for the practice at dating as much as anything else.
Since you are trying and not giving up I like your odds over the long run. Good luck.
posted by mattu at 6:56 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hey, I feel for you, 'cause that's a painful situation.
One thing I noticed: you were in the closet; and you finally managed to confront the difficult issues (like religion) that were keeping you there. And so you came out, which is awesome! But... perhaps there is still a lingering habit of keeping certain things hidden. You mention 'hiding any sign of affection for people I like' (which you have been trying to change, which is great); 'maintaining a facade of support and happiness' for friends who find love; and generally just trying to 'stay positive'.
Now, it is just conjecture on my part that maybe you are still keeping from public view these things that make you feel vulnerable. But if you are keeping up a front of positivity, that may be contributing to your isolation. If you take the risk of opening yourself up a little more (to friends, and just in general the people you meet), revealing more of the not-so-positive stuff you may be thinking or feeling, people may respond more; they may feel more at ease, or identify with you more.
I know that, for myself, maintaining an image as having-it-all-together gave me a certain satisfaction, but it kept people at arms length. It's only when I started to let people see some chinks in the armor that I got closer, more meaningful friendships with more people.
Like I said, I could be wrong; you may be very open with your friends, and that just did not come through in your description. But, if not... maybe something to think about.
posted by fikri at 7:22 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
One thing I noticed: you were in the closet; and you finally managed to confront the difficult issues (like religion) that were keeping you there. And so you came out, which is awesome! But... perhaps there is still a lingering habit of keeping certain things hidden. You mention 'hiding any sign of affection for people I like' (which you have been trying to change, which is great); 'maintaining a facade of support and happiness' for friends who find love; and generally just trying to 'stay positive'.
Now, it is just conjecture on my part that maybe you are still keeping from public view these things that make you feel vulnerable. But if you are keeping up a front of positivity, that may be contributing to your isolation. If you take the risk of opening yourself up a little more (to friends, and just in general the people you meet), revealing more of the not-so-positive stuff you may be thinking or feeling, people may respond more; they may feel more at ease, or identify with you more.
I know that, for myself, maintaining an image as having-it-all-together gave me a certain satisfaction, but it kept people at arms length. It's only when I started to let people see some chinks in the armor that I got closer, more meaningful friendships with more people.
Like I said, I could be wrong; you may be very open with your friends, and that just did not come through in your description. But, if not... maybe something to think about.
posted by fikri at 7:22 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Are you still religious? If so, I think meeting other LGBT Christians would probably:
1. Give you opportunities to talk about some of the issues you're going through with people who've gone through and are going through similar things.
2. Be a good place to look for women who share your values and priorities.
Needless to say, if you're going to a church that does not accept you, then stop. Find a church that doesn't just give lip service to acceptance of gays, but demonstrates it in the makeup of its leadership and service to the community.
posted by roll truck roll at 7:46 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
1. Give you opportunities to talk about some of the issues you're going through with people who've gone through and are going through similar things.
2. Be a good place to look for women who share your values and priorities.
Needless to say, if you're going to a church that does not accept you, then stop. Find a church that doesn't just give lip service to acceptance of gays, but demonstrates it in the makeup of its leadership and service to the community.
posted by roll truck roll at 7:46 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
I realize that it can feel humiliating, but I think you should talk about this with your friends. People who know and love you. Two reasons. First, I think that talking with people who care about you will help you to feel less alone. Even your friends who are in relationships likely have stories of their own about feeling lonely or scared or unlovable, and it can be really comforting to share that with others.
But second, it's possible that there's something going on with you that we can't tell you because we don't know you. We've never seen you hit on a woman, or even have a conversation with a new person. It's possible that you have some tic or mannerism that is off-putting. Maybe you're too aggressive or not aggressive enough. Maybe, when you're nervous, your shining personality doesn't come through. Or maybe you're absolutely awesome and this is just a fluke and your friends can reassure you.
One of the most helpful things I ever did was swap OK Cupid profiles with another single friend of mine. He rewrote mine, and I rewrote his. Because it's really hard to create a description of yourself that captures how cool you are (and what your real, but still lovable, flaws are). But it's a lot easier to describe someone else you think is cool and lovable, and to describe the kind of person you think your awesome friend should be with. If you have another single friend, consider asking her to write/edit an online dating profile for you. (YMMV. I'm still single, but I've had much better first dates since the new profile, and a lot more hits from people I might actually want to spend time with.)
The bottom line is that you've been single and "on the market" for two years. And that can suck, especially when you don't have a track record before that to reassure you that you know what you're doing. But everyone goes through this. Some people go through it at 16, and some in college, and some in their 20s like you, and some even older than that. It sucks, but it's normal. And not having gotten into a relationship in two years of dating does not indicate that there's anything wrong with you.
Also, yeah, reconsider having a fling with someone. You don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with, but you can make out in a dark corner of a bar with someone and see what happens. For better or worse, that's the way a lot of relationships (and for that matter, friendships) start in our "modern" age. It's fun, I promise!
posted by decathecting at 8:05 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
But second, it's possible that there's something going on with you that we can't tell you because we don't know you. We've never seen you hit on a woman, or even have a conversation with a new person. It's possible that you have some tic or mannerism that is off-putting. Maybe you're too aggressive or not aggressive enough. Maybe, when you're nervous, your shining personality doesn't come through. Or maybe you're absolutely awesome and this is just a fluke and your friends can reassure you.
One of the most helpful things I ever did was swap OK Cupid profiles with another single friend of mine. He rewrote mine, and I rewrote his. Because it's really hard to create a description of yourself that captures how cool you are (and what your real, but still lovable, flaws are). But it's a lot easier to describe someone else you think is cool and lovable, and to describe the kind of person you think your awesome friend should be with. If you have another single friend, consider asking her to write/edit an online dating profile for you. (YMMV. I'm still single, but I've had much better first dates since the new profile, and a lot more hits from people I might actually want to spend time with.)
The bottom line is that you've been single and "on the market" for two years. And that can suck, especially when you don't have a track record before that to reassure you that you know what you're doing. But everyone goes through this. Some people go through it at 16, and some in college, and some in their 20s like you, and some even older than that. It sucks, but it's normal. And not having gotten into a relationship in two years of dating does not indicate that there's anything wrong with you.
Also, yeah, reconsider having a fling with someone. You don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with, but you can make out in a dark corner of a bar with someone and see what happens. For better or worse, that's the way a lot of relationships (and for that matter, friendships) start in our "modern" age. It's fun, I promise!
posted by decathecting at 8:05 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
Look- in my experience as a lesbian who came from a religious background and shed all of that when I came out- the thing you have to remember is that coming out and coming to terms with your new identity and way of looking at the world and identifying yourself takes an incredible toll that they don't tell you about in. Basically, the first couple years after I came out, I didn't date anyone. It was like I was frozen.
It sounds like you're still processing the coming out phase and learning to establish your new identity. It's okay, this takes time to do! Please be easy on yourself. You're doing all of the right things- going on dates, trying to stay social and in the mix.
Don't let yourself get weighed down by what ifs, etc. Project confidence and other people will pick that up from you. It's hard right now because you're still getting a firm footing in this new world, but it will happen with time.
Keep dating. Keep dating. Keep dating. My thaw happened when I went to a gay wedding of some dear friends in DC. As I was sitting there I thought "I could have this too!" And when I flew back home, I wrote a personals ad and just started the dating game. That's really what this is. I went on SO MANY dates- coffee dates, lunch dates, movie dates with all kinds of women. I made myself go on at least two dates a week. It gave me confidence, and it also taught me that there are so many different kinds of people out there for everyone.
Keep at it and try and cultivate confidence and I promise it will happen for you. I met my sweetheart after a few months of this very specific dating regimen. She's my other half. This can happen for you. Just take a deep breath, rewrite your OK cupid profile or Craigslist post or what have you and pizazz it up a little and then start dating again. Try not to think of the past and just look toward the future. Today's the first day of the rest of your (lesbian) life.
Feel free to Memail me if you need a lesbo internet friend for jokes, to swap dating stories, or whatever.
posted by timpanogos at 8:34 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you're still processing the coming out phase and learning to establish your new identity. It's okay, this takes time to do! Please be easy on yourself. You're doing all of the right things- going on dates, trying to stay social and in the mix.
Don't let yourself get weighed down by what ifs, etc. Project confidence and other people will pick that up from you. It's hard right now because you're still getting a firm footing in this new world, but it will happen with time.
Keep dating. Keep dating. Keep dating. My thaw happened when I went to a gay wedding of some dear friends in DC. As I was sitting there I thought "I could have this too!" And when I flew back home, I wrote a personals ad and just started the dating game. That's really what this is. I went on SO MANY dates- coffee dates, lunch dates, movie dates with all kinds of women. I made myself go on at least two dates a week. It gave me confidence, and it also taught me that there are so many different kinds of people out there for everyone.
Keep at it and try and cultivate confidence and I promise it will happen for you. I met my sweetheart after a few months of this very specific dating regimen. She's my other half. This can happen for you. Just take a deep breath, rewrite your OK cupid profile or Craigslist post or what have you and pizazz it up a little and then start dating again. Try not to think of the past and just look toward the future. Today's the first day of the rest of your (lesbian) life.
Feel free to Memail me if you need a lesbo internet friend for jokes, to swap dating stories, or whatever.
posted by timpanogos at 8:34 AM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's only been two years since you figured out what you wanted - you've only had that long to learn to integrate your emotions with real-world experience. You're like, fifteen years old in "dating age".
posted by amtho at 9:19 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 9:19 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
I feel for you. At 29, with 30 approaching I went through something similar in terms of feeling useless when it came to relationships. It had almost 9 years since I had any serious relationship and I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. I was smart, in shape, and according to my friends pretty good looking though I had issues that stemmed from childhood when I looked like a classic nerd.
I just couldn't turn anything into some sort of relationship. It sucked and I felt like I was never going to find anything meaningful. I completely relate to the ache you describe. Through lots of soul searching I decided that the best way to deal with it was to just be the best person I could be. I was very social and met a few crushes that didn't pan out, but just kept plodding on.
With 35 approaching and still nothing I went through a pretty painful time again. I honestly didn't get why the partner thing just wasn't working out. I had tons of friends, was well liked in my social group and was experiencing great success in the work I was doing. Everything was great with this one exception. I realized that maybe it was because of what I was looking for. I didn't consider myself picky or anything just that I wasn't going to settle with something, just to settle with something and I never compromised who I felt I was. Still I felt really inadequate.
I came to the realization that I was who I was and that my choice was to wallow or just keep going. I decided, without reservations that I was just going to be single and not care, like really not care. To hell with concerns about the biological clock or the thought of ever getting married. If it happens it happens and if not so be it. Actually decided is not the right word. I didn't just wake up and decide one day. I came to that feeling after a lot of self thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. I just became okay if the fairy tale didn't happen to me. It was good.
Then life does what it does. Two months after this happened I met a man. He was cool. We got along great but since I had put the whole relationship thing in the background I didn't think of him as anything more. We became good friends. 3 months after meeting him it became apparent that he felt more. Things came to a head on a porch one night and I realized that I was in a relationship without even realizing I was in one. I knew the moment that I decided to kiss him that this was the guy. We got married a month later and have been married for six years.
In hindsight I realized that this happening was a result of meeting the right person of course and my attitude. I was able to get to know him without any concern about 'what ifs'. He also got to know me, warts and all because I wasn't doing anything to impress but just be myself. I don't think any of it would of happened if I hadn't made that decision. I like would have written him off as non-relationship material if I had been actively looking.
I can't say 'just don't care.' I know it doesn't work like that. I can say that I do believe that what may sound like cliche 'like yourself, love yourself and just be who you are' has merit. If anything when you don find someone it will be great because they will like and love you, the real you. When I was coping with feeling lonely and useless I did a lot of self talk around that it's okay to just be me, single. That I didn't need someone else to make me feel good because hey I was awesome and anything that I didn't feel was awesome I actively worked on. I focused on making myself feel stronger, as an individual and fostering my non romantic relationships with people. I actively put the best 'me' out there to the world. The desire for someone to share life with never went away but the feeling that I needed it, to be happy and feel worthwhile was diminished.
posted by Jalliah at 9:20 AM on July 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
I just couldn't turn anything into some sort of relationship. It sucked and I felt like I was never going to find anything meaningful. I completely relate to the ache you describe. Through lots of soul searching I decided that the best way to deal with it was to just be the best person I could be. I was very social and met a few crushes that didn't pan out, but just kept plodding on.
With 35 approaching and still nothing I went through a pretty painful time again. I honestly didn't get why the partner thing just wasn't working out. I had tons of friends, was well liked in my social group and was experiencing great success in the work I was doing. Everything was great with this one exception. I realized that maybe it was because of what I was looking for. I didn't consider myself picky or anything just that I wasn't going to settle with something, just to settle with something and I never compromised who I felt I was. Still I felt really inadequate.
I came to the realization that I was who I was and that my choice was to wallow or just keep going. I decided, without reservations that I was just going to be single and not care, like really not care. To hell with concerns about the biological clock or the thought of ever getting married. If it happens it happens and if not so be it. Actually decided is not the right word. I didn't just wake up and decide one day. I came to that feeling after a lot of self thought about who I was and who I wanted to be. I just became okay if the fairy tale didn't happen to me. It was good.
Then life does what it does. Two months after this happened I met a man. He was cool. We got along great but since I had put the whole relationship thing in the background I didn't think of him as anything more. We became good friends. 3 months after meeting him it became apparent that he felt more. Things came to a head on a porch one night and I realized that I was in a relationship without even realizing I was in one. I knew the moment that I decided to kiss him that this was the guy. We got married a month later and have been married for six years.
In hindsight I realized that this happening was a result of meeting the right person of course and my attitude. I was able to get to know him without any concern about 'what ifs'. He also got to know me, warts and all because I wasn't doing anything to impress but just be myself. I don't think any of it would of happened if I hadn't made that decision. I like would have written him off as non-relationship material if I had been actively looking.
I can't say 'just don't care.' I know it doesn't work like that. I can say that I do believe that what may sound like cliche 'like yourself, love yourself and just be who you are' has merit. If anything when you don find someone it will be great because they will like and love you, the real you. When I was coping with feeling lonely and useless I did a lot of self talk around that it's okay to just be me, single. That I didn't need someone else to make me feel good because hey I was awesome and anything that I didn't feel was awesome I actively worked on. I focused on making myself feel stronger, as an individual and fostering my non romantic relationships with people. I actively put the best 'me' out there to the world. The desire for someone to share life with never went away but the feeling that I needed it, to be happy and feel worthwhile was diminished.
posted by Jalliah at 9:20 AM on July 27, 2013 [10 favorites]
Do you ever crush on people? If so, let your friends know about that. See what they can do to help you gain proximity to anyone you feel attracted to.
Start doing flings.You probably know that you can't more forward as a loving person if you cant risk getting hurt but be cognisant of the fact that the risk of hurting others is part of the territory. Cut yourself some slack.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:50 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Start doing flings.You probably know that you can't more forward as a loving person if you cant risk getting hurt but be cognisant of the fact that the risk of hurting others is part of the territory. Cut yourself some slack.
posted by bonobothegreat at 9:50 AM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Finding love is a bit of a task, for everyone. You're really not as alone as you think. I promise.
Thing is, you see these couples all happy and in love, but think about it. How many couples do you know that truly respect each other, love each other consistently, admire each other, get along, and truly know each other?
In short, how many couples do you know that 'live the movie' ?
There totally are couples like that -- my parents were one, I have two pairs of friends who are totally like that. The rest of them? Well for every perfect couple there's a couple that shouldn't be together. They either 'settled' or fight constantly, don't get along, are controlling, cruel, selfish, abusive -- they in short have red flags all over the place and endure. People always look at them and wonder why the hell they're together. I know a bunch of couples like this, and I'm guessing you do too, even if you're not thinking of them right now.
The reality of 'love' is that divorce rates are high, infidelity is high. People are unhappy. A lot of people. Don't be fooled by the picture painted by others, because it's not real. I'm not using this to scare you, but to just remind you that you're looking at it yearningly because you're not in it and you're imagining your friend's relationships as 100% happy fun times and sunshine and roses.
It's like how on Facebook, all your friends live cooler more exciting lives than you and are always happy? Yeah. That part is bullshit.
One look at the 'relationship' tags of Ask Mefi and you'll see it, right? People have problems. If they don't at first, doesn't mean they won't later. So just because someone is paired doesn't mean it's even something beneficial or even beautiful -- many people cry themselves to sleep with their partner by their side. I did, towards the end of my last relationship. I loved my ex dearly and we got on like a romance novel. Most of the time. I also had a ton of unmet needs, especially towards the end.
We still love each other and we're both good people-- but, he's not right for me.
So no matter what, it's totally better to be alone than in a crappy relationship with someone who isn't right for you. Please don't ever forget that. This comment by yankeefog is amazing. They mention it in a marriage context, but I feel it's still valid as 'love' and I often hold the sentiment my mind when I get lonely or feel a bit lost or scared about time running out for me. I am very much like you. A similar age, and I crave touch and I haven't had it enough-- nor enough relationships in my life. I also find myself unable to go on flings. I don't begrudge my friends who do, but I can't do it myself, and the reason I can't do them is because I'd be doing them for the wrong reasons (validation) instead of the right ones (mutual fun). But I'd rather be wanting for those things than give them to a person who really doesn't deserve me.
All that said, I totally don't mean to be a downer and say 'love is blah!' -- it's not. It can be lovely. What I mean to say is, keep looking-- don't be discouraged. Look, I know it's difficult, and I totally identify with you and your loneliness. But don't 'settle' because you're lonely, and don't allow yourself to get desperate.
Take the pressure off yourself. Take the pressure off the 'search'. Don't let it rule your life. Don't keep the thought of the search in the back of your mind, with every interaction (I'm totally guilty of this.) Just go out. Have fun. No expectations. Be yourself. Meet lots of people, just to meet people, not necessarily women to date. Kick some butt. Be choosy about who you let in to your life. In the meantime, be your own best friend. Be kind to you. Don't be afraid to hug yourself sometimes. You only really truly need you to love you, you know? Anything else is a bonus. And just (at the risk of sounding totally woo-woo) just kinda let things flow a little. It'll be okay, it really will.
And never eat the rock-covered bugs.
posted by Dimes at 9:57 AM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
Thing is, you see these couples all happy and in love, but think about it. How many couples do you know that truly respect each other, love each other consistently, admire each other, get along, and truly know each other?
In short, how many couples do you know that 'live the movie' ?
There totally are couples like that -- my parents were one, I have two pairs of friends who are totally like that. The rest of them? Well for every perfect couple there's a couple that shouldn't be together. They either 'settled' or fight constantly, don't get along, are controlling, cruel, selfish, abusive -- they in short have red flags all over the place and endure. People always look at them and wonder why the hell they're together. I know a bunch of couples like this, and I'm guessing you do too, even if you're not thinking of them right now.
The reality of 'love' is that divorce rates are high, infidelity is high. People are unhappy. A lot of people. Don't be fooled by the picture painted by others, because it's not real. I'm not using this to scare you, but to just remind you that you're looking at it yearningly because you're not in it and you're imagining your friend's relationships as 100% happy fun times and sunshine and roses.
It's like how on Facebook, all your friends live cooler more exciting lives than you and are always happy? Yeah. That part is bullshit.
One look at the 'relationship' tags of Ask Mefi and you'll see it, right? People have problems. If they don't at first, doesn't mean they won't later. So just because someone is paired doesn't mean it's even something beneficial or even beautiful -- many people cry themselves to sleep with their partner by their side. I did, towards the end of my last relationship. I loved my ex dearly and we got on like a romance novel. Most of the time. I also had a ton of unmet needs, especially towards the end.
We still love each other and we're both good people-- but, he's not right for me.
So no matter what, it's totally better to be alone than in a crappy relationship with someone who isn't right for you. Please don't ever forget that. This comment by yankeefog is amazing. They mention it in a marriage context, but I feel it's still valid as 'love' and I often hold the sentiment my mind when I get lonely or feel a bit lost or scared about time running out for me. I am very much like you. A similar age, and I crave touch and I haven't had it enough-- nor enough relationships in my life. I also find myself unable to go on flings. I don't begrudge my friends who do, but I can't do it myself, and the reason I can't do them is because I'd be doing them for the wrong reasons (validation) instead of the right ones (mutual fun). But I'd rather be wanting for those things than give them to a person who really doesn't deserve me.
All that said, I totally don't mean to be a downer and say 'love is blah!' -- it's not. It can be lovely. What I mean to say is, keep looking-- don't be discouraged. Look, I know it's difficult, and I totally identify with you and your loneliness. But don't 'settle' because you're lonely, and don't allow yourself to get desperate.
Take the pressure off yourself. Take the pressure off the 'search'. Don't let it rule your life. Don't keep the thought of the search in the back of your mind, with every interaction (I'm totally guilty of this.) Just go out. Have fun. No expectations. Be yourself. Meet lots of people, just to meet people, not necessarily women to date. Kick some butt. Be choosy about who you let in to your life. In the meantime, be your own best friend. Be kind to you. Don't be afraid to hug yourself sometimes. You only really truly need you to love you, you know? Anything else is a bonus. And just (at the risk of sounding totally woo-woo) just kinda let things flow a little. It'll be okay, it really will.
And never eat the rock-covered bugs.
posted by Dimes at 9:57 AM on July 27, 2013 [5 favorites]
I felt I had to comment because though we are very different people in very different situations, I can empathize so well with many of the emotions in your post. Your comment about the lost time, and about not wanting to become bitter and negative - I could have written those lines. I know how it feels to go out to a party and have a good time and head home at the end of the evening feeling like an utter failure because despite the fact that you pushed yourself to be there and you pushed yourself to interact, and you might have even managed to flirt and have fun, there you are going home alone again. It's hard. I know it's hard.
Let me share with you two pieces of advice that have been helpful to me, in the hope that they can be helpful to you as well:
1. It was pointed out to me that though I am good at casual small talk, I am not good at getting past that superficial level. And that goes both for making friends and expressing romantic interest. In my case, that is because I'm very shy, and it takes a lot of effort just to maintain the casual interaction. But from your description of your experience coming out, I wonder if there is not something similar at play. Luckily, there are some strategies that help overcome this. First, it is a skill, and as such it can be practiced. Second, you can find venues and activities in which you are more comfortable and confident, and use those as the setting for dates.
2. You know you need to push out of your comfort zone to make a change, but it is counterproductive to so so in a way that leaves you feeling destroyed after every setback. Give yourself some space by taking relationships off the table some days. I don't mean that you have to decide to be happy being alone before you can meet someone, though I know there are many people who tell a story that goes that way. It doesn't have to be that extreme. If you are going to a party with friends one night, and feeling particularly vulnerable, decide beforehand that the night will just be for chatting with friends and having a good time. Give yourself the room to have fun in your life without the weight of this over you. And then focus your energies on meeting people on the times when you are feeling more confident. Given a little time, you will start to feel confident more often.
posted by Nothing at 10:43 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Let me share with you two pieces of advice that have been helpful to me, in the hope that they can be helpful to you as well:
1. It was pointed out to me that though I am good at casual small talk, I am not good at getting past that superficial level. And that goes both for making friends and expressing romantic interest. In my case, that is because I'm very shy, and it takes a lot of effort just to maintain the casual interaction. But from your description of your experience coming out, I wonder if there is not something similar at play. Luckily, there are some strategies that help overcome this. First, it is a skill, and as such it can be practiced. Second, you can find venues and activities in which you are more comfortable and confident, and use those as the setting for dates.
2. You know you need to push out of your comfort zone to make a change, but it is counterproductive to so so in a way that leaves you feeling destroyed after every setback. Give yourself some space by taking relationships off the table some days. I don't mean that you have to decide to be happy being alone before you can meet someone, though I know there are many people who tell a story that goes that way. It doesn't have to be that extreme. If you are going to a party with friends one night, and feeling particularly vulnerable, decide beforehand that the night will just be for chatting with friends and having a good time. Give yourself the room to have fun in your life without the weight of this over you. And then focus your energies on meeting people on the times when you are feeling more confident. Given a little time, you will start to feel confident more often.
posted by Nothing at 10:43 AM on July 27, 2013 [3 favorites]
Cut yourself some slack. You have accomplished a LOT. It's ok to be single. Yeah, it's rough at times, and lonely at times, but it's ok.
1. Try online dating if you haven't yet. I like the above poster's advice to set a weekly goal. Keep your initial meetings short and sweet - coffee or a drink, and know that you will may meet several people before you find someone you really click with. I have a lot more advice on online dating if you want to memail me :)
2. Kind of ... let go a bit. Detach, if you can. It's easier said than done, but it does help. I am trying to meet someone, but in the back of my head I have a "I may be single for a while, and that is all right. Many cool and awesome people are single and lead fabulous, fulfilling lives and make an impact on the world."
3. Just because you aren't in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you can't love and be loved. Show your friends and family you care about them. Spend one-on-one time with people. Have lovely dinners, take trips together, whatever. Figure out what balance of social interaction makes you feel connected, and try to maintain it.
4. Ask your friends for advice - see if they have any ideas on what you can do to put your best foot forward.
5. I used to do this thing. If I felt bad about something I thought it was important to sit with the bad feeling and mull over it and try to sort it out. Like a pile of dirty dishes, if I did not do them the bad feeling would not go away. Now I know that I can feel badly, and I can go out with friends and see a funny movie and feel better. So when your morale is sinking, do things that are fun and connecting and awesome that have nothing to do with meeting someone.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 1:05 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
1. Try online dating if you haven't yet. I like the above poster's advice to set a weekly goal. Keep your initial meetings short and sweet - coffee or a drink, and know that you will may meet several people before you find someone you really click with. I have a lot more advice on online dating if you want to memail me :)
2. Kind of ... let go a bit. Detach, if you can. It's easier said than done, but it does help. I am trying to meet someone, but in the back of my head I have a "I may be single for a while, and that is all right. Many cool and awesome people are single and lead fabulous, fulfilling lives and make an impact on the world."
3. Just because you aren't in a romantic relationship doesn't mean you can't love and be loved. Show your friends and family you care about them. Spend one-on-one time with people. Have lovely dinners, take trips together, whatever. Figure out what balance of social interaction makes you feel connected, and try to maintain it.
4. Ask your friends for advice - see if they have any ideas on what you can do to put your best foot forward.
5. I used to do this thing. If I felt bad about something I thought it was important to sit with the bad feeling and mull over it and try to sort it out. Like a pile of dirty dishes, if I did not do them the bad feeling would not go away. Now I know that I can feel badly, and I can go out with friends and see a funny movie and feel better. So when your morale is sinking, do things that are fun and connecting and awesome that have nothing to do with meeting someone.
Good luck!
posted by bunderful at 1:05 PM on July 27, 2013 [2 favorites]
I know I'm joining the chorus, but be kind to yourself. I went to a really liberal college, the complete stereotype of the perfect "trial grounds" for coming out and having plenty of opportunities, and I still never dated another woman. And then I kicked myself a million times and said I wasted my chance to really "come out" and establish myself and now how will I ever meet someone? And now I'm marrying the absolute love of my life, and I met her where I never would have expected. It can happen.
Yes, I have had a couple people show some vague interest in me, but I just wasn't interested in them (another sad and frustrating thing).
Also wanted to say, even this is doing pretty good! In college, I knew DOZENS of bi/gay women and absolutely none of them ever showed interest in me. It was really depressing.
posted by nakedmolerats at 2:36 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yes, I have had a couple people show some vague interest in me, but I just wasn't interested in them (another sad and frustrating thing).
Also wanted to say, even this is doing pretty good! In college, I knew DOZENS of bi/gay women and absolutely none of them ever showed interest in me. It was really depressing.
posted by nakedmolerats at 2:36 PM on July 27, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm kind of in a similar position... it's been a year and a half since the end of my last relationship and I am starting to feel like the whole relationship/sex/love thing is something other people have, especially as I get older and sometimes think I am past my "use-by" date (yes I know that's silly) and I have zero interest in going to lesbian bars/venues to try to meet women. Trust me, when you're in this position it's not much consolation to think that at least you did have a relationship; you know exactly what you are missing.
You sound like you are doing heaps of the right things to meet people, which is half the battle. The other half (I think) is getting yourself in the right headspace to meet people - and desperately longing for a relationship/sex/love is probably counter-productive. I know this isn't easy, but I really think that it's only by letting go of those kind of obsessive desires that they can actually be satisfied. Partly it's because then you don't need them to be satisfied anymore. So if you're in a position where you are happy with yourself and who you are, a relationship is just an extra bonus. If it doesn't happen, well, at least you are happy with yourself, which is something that many people in relationships do not have.
I tell myself this a lot. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I forget to think about the relationship thing altogether. Sometimes, like you, I come home after a night out that I quite enjoyed and realise how sad I am. For me, the things that have helped are anti-depressants (help me get less caught up in my own negative emotions, break the reinforcing cycle of misery), meditation (forget about the past, forget about the future, just be, right now, this moment), therapy and being alone by choice. Although I've done a few things to open up and expand my life and social circles, I haven't been actively seeking a relationship because I don't think I'm actually ready.
I don't know how helpful this is, since I don't actually have any answers; I'm struggling too. I think you sound like you are doing really well and have overcome a lot - be easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for what you've missed out on. There are women who don't figure it out until their 30s, 40s, 50s, later. Some never figure it out at all. I think if you can focus on enjoying your life and just accept that sometimes you'll be sad for what you don't have and sometimes you'll be happy with what you do, just invest yourself less in the negativity, that might help. And maybe ask your therapist for some concrete advice!
Also feel free to memail me if you'd like, it can help sometimes to just commiserate with someone who gets it.
posted by Athanassiel at 5:56 PM on July 27, 2013
You sound like you are doing heaps of the right things to meet people, which is half the battle. The other half (I think) is getting yourself in the right headspace to meet people - and desperately longing for a relationship/sex/love is probably counter-productive. I know this isn't easy, but I really think that it's only by letting go of those kind of obsessive desires that they can actually be satisfied. Partly it's because then you don't need them to be satisfied anymore. So if you're in a position where you are happy with yourself and who you are, a relationship is just an extra bonus. If it doesn't happen, well, at least you are happy with yourself, which is something that many people in relationships do not have.
I tell myself this a lot. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I forget to think about the relationship thing altogether. Sometimes, like you, I come home after a night out that I quite enjoyed and realise how sad I am. For me, the things that have helped are anti-depressants (help me get less caught up in my own negative emotions, break the reinforcing cycle of misery), meditation (forget about the past, forget about the future, just be, right now, this moment), therapy and being alone by choice. Although I've done a few things to open up and expand my life and social circles, I haven't been actively seeking a relationship because I don't think I'm actually ready.
I don't know how helpful this is, since I don't actually have any answers; I'm struggling too. I think you sound like you are doing really well and have overcome a lot - be easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up for what you've missed out on. There are women who don't figure it out until their 30s, 40s, 50s, later. Some never figure it out at all. I think if you can focus on enjoying your life and just accept that sometimes you'll be sad for what you don't have and sometimes you'll be happy with what you do, just invest yourself less in the negativity, that might help. And maybe ask your therapist for some concrete advice!
Also feel free to memail me if you'd like, it can help sometimes to just commiserate with someone who gets it.
posted by Athanassiel at 5:56 PM on July 27, 2013
Tons of good advice upthread, but fikri's post about not wanting to be vulnerable struck a chord with me. It doesn't sound like you're truly putting yourself out there with people, which will not give you the results you're looking for.
Have you seen Brene Brown's TEDtalk on the power of vulnerability? It has become super important to me and a really valuable reminder of what really connects us to each other. She has a bunch of books on the topic that are uniformly excellent, as well.
Best of luck.
posted by softlord at 10:38 AM on July 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Have you seen Brene Brown's TEDtalk on the power of vulnerability? It has become super important to me and a really valuable reminder of what really connects us to each other. She has a bunch of books on the topic that are uniformly excellent, as well.
Best of luck.
posted by softlord at 10:38 AM on July 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I was just about to link to the vulnerability TED talk but softlord beat me to it.
Forcing myself to be vulnerable was I think the biggest contributing factor in my eventually getting into a romantic relationship when I was feeling pretty hopeless about it ever happening for me. I'd extend this to talking with your friends about how you're feeling. I'm roughly the same age as you and I've been noticing lately more and more conversations about people's frustrations in love/dating. It's good to talk about it because it keeps it in perspective and you'll probably be surprised at how many other people feel similarly.
All you can do is keep on trying and it will eventually happen for you. When it does I guarantee you will not be thinking one iota about wasted time!
posted by neilb449 at 12:29 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Forcing myself to be vulnerable was I think the biggest contributing factor in my eventually getting into a romantic relationship when I was feeling pretty hopeless about it ever happening for me. I'd extend this to talking with your friends about how you're feeling. I'm roughly the same age as you and I've been noticing lately more and more conversations about people's frustrations in love/dating. It's good to talk about it because it keeps it in perspective and you'll probably be surprised at how many other people feel similarly.
All you can do is keep on trying and it will eventually happen for you. When it does I guarantee you will not be thinking one iota about wasted time!
posted by neilb449 at 12:29 PM on July 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ambient2 at 6:13 AM on July 27, 2013