so, like, what do couples, like, do? what happens now?
June 30, 2013 9:26 PM Subscribe
I've never before been in a healthy relationship, especially not one that lasted more than about six months, and I don't really have a framework for how things go from here on out. I also tend to drift away from most friendships after about a year, so that doesn't provide much guidance. Snowflake fun inside!
So we've more or less exited the so-obsessed-with-you, spending-two-hours-on-the-phone-at-work-with-you phase, and I don't really know what happens next.
I'm a really boring person and once I get to know people, I basically have nothing to say to them and nothing to ask them, and my friendships sort of peter out around there or else enter a holding pattern where basically the same activities and conversations just repeat, and I get super bored and kind of stop hanging out with them even though I like them. I could happily see or talk to most people, like, once a month or something.
I've noticed the same thing starting to happen with my awesome boyfriend. Nothing really happens, so we tend to not really have those fabulous two-three-four hour phone conversations anymore. We text every day, and I often feel like I'm fishing for something to say after an hour, sometimes less, unless we're actually doing an activity in person. However, I could not be happy only seeing him once a month- I get sad and miss him if I don't see him every couple of days, he is the bomb diggety.
So 1) is this normal?
2) how do people deal with it? How do we nurture a relationship in this stage?
3) basically, like, now what happens?
Most people I've known deal with it via drama or they start ignoring each other. I am not interested in this route.
So we've more or less exited the so-obsessed-with-you, spending-two-hours-on-the-phone-at-work-with-you phase, and I don't really know what happens next.
I'm a really boring person and once I get to know people, I basically have nothing to say to them and nothing to ask them, and my friendships sort of peter out around there or else enter a holding pattern where basically the same activities and conversations just repeat, and I get super bored and kind of stop hanging out with them even though I like them. I could happily see or talk to most people, like, once a month or something.
I've noticed the same thing starting to happen with my awesome boyfriend. Nothing really happens, so we tend to not really have those fabulous two-three-four hour phone conversations anymore. We text every day, and I often feel like I'm fishing for something to say after an hour, sometimes less, unless we're actually doing an activity in person. However, I could not be happy only seeing him once a month- I get sad and miss him if I don't see him every couple of days, he is the bomb diggety.
So 1) is this normal?
2) how do people deal with it? How do we nurture a relationship in this stage?
3) basically, like, now what happens?
Most people I've known deal with it via drama or they start ignoring each other. I am not interested in this route.
Make it a goal to go on interesting activities!
I don't always talk to my gf all that much some days (AND we live together!) Some days, we really are just doing our own stuff in the same house.
Other days, we cant get enough of each other and its the early dating style sillyfuntimes.
Do interesting things on your own, for yourself. Then talk about them :)
We have a couple of TV shows we watch together.
Basically.... this sounds pretty normal. As long as yall are both growing closer together and don't have wildly different expectations of time and activities and communication differences, it will probably work. Just be sure to speak up if something isn't working or you want something. But, it is fun to explore things with someone, so go adventure :)
posted by Jacen at 9:40 PM on June 30, 2013 [7 favorites]
I don't always talk to my gf all that much some days (AND we live together!) Some days, we really are just doing our own stuff in the same house.
Other days, we cant get enough of each other and its the early dating style sillyfuntimes.
Do interesting things on your own, for yourself. Then talk about them :)
We have a couple of TV shows we watch together.
Basically.... this sounds pretty normal. As long as yall are both growing closer together and don't have wildly different expectations of time and activities and communication differences, it will probably work. Just be sure to speak up if something isn't working or you want something. But, it is fun to explore things with someone, so go adventure :)
posted by Jacen at 9:40 PM on June 30, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: it's normal to a certain extent, i think. doing activities with each other helps to spark conversations, sure, but also doing things outside of the relationship as well. my boyfriend and i have different hobbies so we can always ask each other how things are going. for example, earlier this evening he was recording vocals for his band's album, so when he was done, we had a lovely conversation about how that went and opinions and blah blah blah.
i had similar thoughts when he and i first started dating. i was like, well ok, we like each other a lot, but now what happens? i can't give you a hard-and-fast answer because every relationship is different. we just spent more time together - movies and farmers markets and parties and concerts and book festivals and whatever came around, really. doing these things together were the bricks that built our relationship. because we did these things, however boring and run-of-the-mill they might be, i can now go pick out seats in a crowded movie theater while he grabs popcorn because i know exactly what seats he wants to sit in. he knows i always forget to bring cash to farmers markets so he always picks up an extra $20 before we go.
doing activities, any activity, helps you learn more about your partner. and the more you go out and do things together, the more you have to talk about. my boyfriend and i go to shows together, and we talk about the bands that played, or the friends we saw there. this evolves into conversations about the top 5 cover songs i think his band should play, or a spirited debate on why i should be the dedicated hey-la background vocal. conversations happen if you make them happen.
and sometimes, like today, even though we live together, we spend a lot of it apart. you don't have to talk to your partner all the time. sometimes my boyfriend and i don't talk to each other until he's on his way home from work. but sometimes we spend all day chatting and trading cute cat gifs back and forth. relationships ebb and flow. don't force it. as long as you are getting what you need out of the relationship, don't rush it and don't focus on what's normal - enjoy each other's company, hold hands, and have fun.
posted by kerning at 10:03 PM on June 30, 2013 [6 favorites]
i had similar thoughts when he and i first started dating. i was like, well ok, we like each other a lot, but now what happens? i can't give you a hard-and-fast answer because every relationship is different. we just spent more time together - movies and farmers markets and parties and concerts and book festivals and whatever came around, really. doing these things together were the bricks that built our relationship. because we did these things, however boring and run-of-the-mill they might be, i can now go pick out seats in a crowded movie theater while he grabs popcorn because i know exactly what seats he wants to sit in. he knows i always forget to bring cash to farmers markets so he always picks up an extra $20 before we go.
doing activities, any activity, helps you learn more about your partner. and the more you go out and do things together, the more you have to talk about. my boyfriend and i go to shows together, and we talk about the bands that played, or the friends we saw there. this evolves into conversations about the top 5 cover songs i think his band should play, or a spirited debate on why i should be the dedicated hey-la background vocal. conversations happen if you make them happen.
and sometimes, like today, even though we live together, we spend a lot of it apart. you don't have to talk to your partner all the time. sometimes my boyfriend and i don't talk to each other until he's on his way home from work. but sometimes we spend all day chatting and trading cute cat gifs back and forth. relationships ebb and flow. don't force it. as long as you are getting what you need out of the relationship, don't rush it and don't focus on what's normal - enjoy each other's company, hold hands, and have fun.
posted by kerning at 10:03 PM on June 30, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: Totally normal. The plan of attack from here on out, as it were, seems to be a) talk to each other about the hobbies you don't share and b) doing activities together.
My boyfriend likes video/computer games (a wide variety), brewing beer, and a bunch of other things. We both like video/computer games (my choices are much more narrow), some outdoor activities, and food. I also like yoga, pilates, and fannish activities (fic, art, videos, etc.) that he's not interested in.
So we'll spend time talking about each others hobbies even though we haven't the first clue what goes on with them; he can talk about strawberry cinnamon beer and I'll go into a meta analysis of Iron Man and we'll each listen and nod and ask probing questions with the full understanding that we'd just not get that particular hobby of the other person. Some days we'll play video games together that fit in my much narrower scope of interest, or watch shoutcasts of pro-gamer Starcraft and analyze the play together. And yes, some days phone calls are just quiet silence and "Yeah, I have nothing interesting to say today, I just wanted to hear your voice."
So...I reiterate, totally normal, it's all a part of learning more about your partner, and what specifically to do at this point with respect to doing your own thing and sharing it vs. doing activities with your partner is a balance you two will strike on your own. Enjoy it!
posted by Zelos at 10:45 PM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
My boyfriend likes video/computer games (a wide variety), brewing beer, and a bunch of other things. We both like video/computer games (my choices are much more narrow), some outdoor activities, and food. I also like yoga, pilates, and fannish activities (fic, art, videos, etc.) that he's not interested in.
So we'll spend time talking about each others hobbies even though we haven't the first clue what goes on with them; he can talk about strawberry cinnamon beer and I'll go into a meta analysis of Iron Man and we'll each listen and nod and ask probing questions with the full understanding that we'd just not get that particular hobby of the other person. Some days we'll play video games together that fit in my much narrower scope of interest, or watch shoutcasts of pro-gamer Starcraft and analyze the play together. And yes, some days phone calls are just quiet silence and "Yeah, I have nothing interesting to say today, I just wanted to hear your voice."
So...I reiterate, totally normal, it's all a part of learning more about your partner, and what specifically to do at this point with respect to doing your own thing and sharing it vs. doing activities with your partner is a balance you two will strike on your own. Enjoy it!
posted by Zelos at 10:45 PM on June 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
Get out and do more things together. You have a partner in crime now, wtf are you complaining about!!!!
My husband and I are a few weeks out from our 5 year anniversary, and our son is two years old. We married after knowing each other for a few months, and dating for only two weeks. For your purposes, pretend we were only dating for those first 2 years before we got pregnant...
We did EVERYTHING. Camping, road trips, weird museums, hiking, marathon movie watching, cooking strange cuisines - the gamut! Our favorite was to go into the wild away from light pollution and watch meteor showers, but you and your guy can pick your own thing.
Seriously. Those adventures (natural hot springs, we used to track down and visit natural hot springs) have really sustained us since a child and hard work became our temporary focus. And then we started doing awesome stuff with our child, just less adventurous and more cost conscious.
Go live! This is a golden opportunity. Seize the day!
posted by jbenben at 11:11 PM on June 30, 2013 [7 favorites]
My husband and I are a few weeks out from our 5 year anniversary, and our son is two years old. We married after knowing each other for a few months, and dating for only two weeks. For your purposes, pretend we were only dating for those first 2 years before we got pregnant...
We did EVERYTHING. Camping, road trips, weird museums, hiking, marathon movie watching, cooking strange cuisines - the gamut! Our favorite was to go into the wild away from light pollution and watch meteor showers, but you and your guy can pick your own thing.
Seriously. Those adventures (natural hot springs, we used to track down and visit natural hot springs) have really sustained us since a child and hard work became our temporary focus. And then we started doing awesome stuff with our child, just less adventurous and more cost conscious.
Go live! This is a golden opportunity. Seize the day!
posted by jbenben at 11:11 PM on June 30, 2013 [7 favorites]
This state of running out of infatuation is why movies are popular. You have something to talk about - the movie.
posted by Cranberry at 11:12 PM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Cranberry at 11:12 PM on June 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
Take him go-kart racing.
Then take him to see some lemurs or some other kind of animal - look for an animal sanctuary in your area that does tours.
Then, if you want, take him to a climbing wall.
Then, he can talk about how awesome you are :)
posted by amtho at 11:33 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Then take him to see some lemurs or some other kind of animal - look for an animal sanctuary in your area that does tours.
Then, if you want, take him to a climbing wall.
Then, he can talk about how awesome you are :)
posted by amtho at 11:33 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
It's ok to be comfortable around another person without talking all the time, having mind blowing sex, or doing extraordinary things. It's ok, and that's a good part of having a solid relationship.
Of course, it's great to do the aforementioned things also.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 11:43 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Of course, it's great to do the aforementioned things also.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 11:43 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm actually kind of concerned about this, not from anything you say about him or losing interest in three-hour conversations (that's normal), but from what you say about your friendships. The way you talk about it sounds like your own life is so boring you can't even stand it. I mean, I don't have much that goes on in my life, and my friends' lives are mostly pretty stable too, so we don't sit and talk about 'what happened to me this week'. But I have friends I can talk to about politics, and friends I can talk to about work, and friends I can talk to about the latest book from some author we both read. And I can talk to my partner about a whole range of things. It'd be sad if the only thing we could talk about was our childhoods, or something like that.
Any time you're meeting a new person there's the rush of "learning who this person is". That's when you have the conversations all night. Now, if my partner and I had a late-night conversation, it would be because one of us couldn't sleep without talking something through. That seems pretty normal to me, that you start getting more accustomed to being together. But he still makes up silly songs and is a rank-1 master of witty banter; I still enjoy his company.
posted by Lady Li at 12:28 AM on July 1, 2013 [7 favorites]
Any time you're meeting a new person there's the rush of "learning who this person is". That's when you have the conversations all night. Now, if my partner and I had a late-night conversation, it would be because one of us couldn't sleep without talking something through. That seems pretty normal to me, that you start getting more accustomed to being together. But he still makes up silly songs and is a rank-1 master of witty banter; I still enjoy his company.
posted by Lady Li at 12:28 AM on July 1, 2013 [7 favorites]
This is completely normal.
"2) how do people deal with it? How do we nurture a relationship in this stage?"
You enjoy it.
posted by three blind mice at 12:47 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
"2) how do people deal with it? How do we nurture a relationship in this stage?"
You enjoy it.
posted by three blind mice at 12:47 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
My partner and I still have hours-long conversations, but we also have quiet days and days where we do things separately together. One of my favourite things about getting to the post-fireworks stage is getting to be bored together.
posted by gursky at 2:06 AM on July 1, 2013
posted by gursky at 2:06 AM on July 1, 2013
Settling into a routine where you can happily spend hours just snuggling without talking is a feature, not a bug.
posted by Jacqueline at 4:23 AM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 4:23 AM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
I get sad and miss him if I don't see him every couple of days
Despite the fact that he's boring? He probably doesn't find you boring either. It's not about the activities or lack of them. It's about how you feel about yourself.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:11 AM on July 1, 2013
Despite the fact that he's boring? He probably doesn't find you boring either. It's not about the activities or lack of them. It's about how you feel about yourself.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:11 AM on July 1, 2013
This is totally normal. I think the day to day is built on shared experience, both mundane and fantastic. You watch the news, you make dinner together, you go to the movies, you plan vacations, that sort of thing.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:23 AM on July 1, 2013
posted by DarlingBri at 5:23 AM on July 1, 2013
It's totally normal to run out of things to say after an hour. Who has that much to talk about in a day? The point of a relationship is that you're with the person. You can do things with them, experience things with them.
You need activities. My first wife and I used to go to yard sales. Or, we'd go to a cafe together and do our work (she was a folklorist, I'm a writer). The point was to be together.
Of course, if you create things together, you talk a lot. My wife and I are screenwriters. We have long conversations about the screenplays we're writing.
However, I'm concerned that you think you're boring. Why do you think that? And what would make you interesting? Should you read more books? Learn more new things? Maybe you guys could take a class together?
I wouldn't confuse "boring" with "stable." Is it just that you don't have a lot of drama in your life? (Which is good.) Or that you never do new things? In which case, go find some new things to do.
posted by musofire at 6:02 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
You need activities. My first wife and I used to go to yard sales. Or, we'd go to a cafe together and do our work (she was a folklorist, I'm a writer). The point was to be together.
Of course, if you create things together, you talk a lot. My wife and I are screenwriters. We have long conversations about the screenplays we're writing.
However, I'm concerned that you think you're boring. Why do you think that? And what would make you interesting? Should you read more books? Learn more new things? Maybe you guys could take a class together?
I wouldn't confuse "boring" with "stable." Is it just that you don't have a lot of drama in your life? (Which is good.) Or that you never do new things? In which case, go find some new things to do.
posted by musofire at 6:02 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is normal.
Your relationship will and has to change to be less obsessive. Hopefully it will turn into something richer. It's possible that the relationship will change for the worse; you guys will get bored of each other and the relationship will fizzle out. But if that happens, it's because you weren't right for each other, not because you did relationship things wrong. But nothing here says that's going to happen (although I am concerned by your statement that this happens in all your friendships -- are you depressed? unhappy?).
You deal with this, as others have said, by growing the relationship. Build new experience, whether it's go-kart racing or backpacking or a Bob Dylan concert next week. But you can't try to recapture what you had -- it won't work, and that way lies disappointment and madness. You sort of just have to keep loving each other and keep exploring each other.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:29 AM on July 1, 2013
Your relationship will and has to change to be less obsessive. Hopefully it will turn into something richer. It's possible that the relationship will change for the worse; you guys will get bored of each other and the relationship will fizzle out. But if that happens, it's because you weren't right for each other, not because you did relationship things wrong. But nothing here says that's going to happen (although I am concerned by your statement that this happens in all your friendships -- are you depressed? unhappy?).
You deal with this, as others have said, by growing the relationship. Build new experience, whether it's go-kart racing or backpacking or a Bob Dylan concert next week. But you can't try to recapture what you had -- it won't work, and that way lies disappointment and madness. You sort of just have to keep loving each other and keep exploring each other.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:29 AM on July 1, 2013
How much time do you guys spend together?
I know part of the problem when I went through this with my husband was that we were spending SOOOO much time together, that we had nothing to talk about because we were there for everything.
I think not losing yourself is hard in relationships, and I struggle with it, so maybe try to do some fun stuff on your own so you have something to tell him about?
And of course, fun stuff together. Reminiscing is one of the nicest things of being in a good relationship.
posted by hrj at 7:01 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
I know part of the problem when I went through this with my husband was that we were spending SOOOO much time together, that we had nothing to talk about because we were there for everything.
I think not losing yourself is hard in relationships, and I struggle with it, so maybe try to do some fun stuff on your own so you have something to tell him about?
And of course, fun stuff together. Reminiscing is one of the nicest things of being in a good relationship.
posted by hrj at 7:01 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This is normal and it's the way good relationships progress.
Once you've heard each other's life stories, you now settle down to have experiences together.
So as others have said, go do things that feed your soul. Museums, historical sights, festivals, street fairs, whatever floats your boat.
Husbunny reads to me. Articles from Cracked, things from the Blue, whatever. Then we discuss.
We also like to people watch. Or we have friends over and we converse with them.
We have the exact right amount of overlap in our interests that we can do 80% of things we enjoy together, with the remaining 20% totally our own thing. And it's GREAT!
So while he goes to WNBA games, and blogs about them, I shop for his underwear. We're both happy!
These are examples of topics of conversation at our house:
1. This happened at work today.
2. The cat(s)
3. Did you read this thing?
4. On the news...
5. Who died
6. Vacations
7. Our friends
8. What we want to do when we retire
9. Facebook updates
10. Books we want to read
So nothing very exciting, but things of mutual interest to us.
Lack of drama means you're doing it right.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:15 AM on July 1, 2013 [8 favorites]
Once you've heard each other's life stories, you now settle down to have experiences together.
So as others have said, go do things that feed your soul. Museums, historical sights, festivals, street fairs, whatever floats your boat.
Husbunny reads to me. Articles from Cracked, things from the Blue, whatever. Then we discuss.
We also like to people watch. Or we have friends over and we converse with them.
We have the exact right amount of overlap in our interests that we can do 80% of things we enjoy together, with the remaining 20% totally our own thing. And it's GREAT!
So while he goes to WNBA games, and blogs about them, I shop for his underwear. We're both happy!
These are examples of topics of conversation at our house:
1. This happened at work today.
2. The cat(s)
3. Did you read this thing?
4. On the news...
5. Who died
6. Vacations
7. Our friends
8. What we want to do when we retire
9. Facebook updates
10. Books we want to read
So nothing very exciting, but things of mutual interest to us.
Lack of drama means you're doing it right.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:15 AM on July 1, 2013 [8 favorites]
First of all: this is completely normal.
That said, is this something you could talk about with your boyfriend? Approach it not as a problem to be solved, but just something you're observing. Ask him how he feels about it. Ask what he finds particularly nurturing, exciting, interesting, though-provoking, or satisfying about your conversations. Ask if there are things he would like to talk about that you guys don't talk about. Ask if there are particular activities he does (alone or with you) that light up his "I can't wait to talk to windykites about this!" sign. And of course, share your own answers to all to these questions with him. One of the nice things about a long-term secure relationship is that you can actually talk about this stuff, about the insecurities that are cropping up inside you, or stuff you just notice about yourself, him, and your relationship.
And, forgive me for being all Men-are-from-Mars, but be prepared for him to be confused or thrown off by your questions, and be patient if he needs some time to think about it, or if this is a line of discussion he just can't really process at all. (Same advice would go for a girlfriend, I think.)
posted by BrashTech at 7:56 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
That said, is this something you could talk about with your boyfriend? Approach it not as a problem to be solved, but just something you're observing. Ask him how he feels about it. Ask what he finds particularly nurturing, exciting, interesting, though-provoking, or satisfying about your conversations. Ask if there are things he would like to talk about that you guys don't talk about. Ask if there are particular activities he does (alone or with you) that light up his "I can't wait to talk to windykites about this!" sign. And of course, share your own answers to all to these questions with him. One of the nice things about a long-term secure relationship is that you can actually talk about this stuff, about the insecurities that are cropping up inside you, or stuff you just notice about yourself, him, and your relationship.
And, forgive me for being all Men-are-from-Mars, but be prepared for him to be confused or thrown off by your questions, and be patient if he needs some time to think about it, or if this is a line of discussion he just can't really process at all. (Same advice would go for a girlfriend, I think.)
posted by BrashTech at 7:56 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm not at all unhappy, I love my life! I just mean that people are boring because they're predictable and their lives don't vary much day-to-day. Once you know someone well, you pretty much know how they'll respond to most things, that's all. And I am boring, I go to work, clean, read metafilter, the usual. I'm happy this way, but it's not interesting.
posted by windykites at 8:14 AM on July 1, 2013
posted by windykites at 8:14 AM on July 1, 2013
Most people aren't that interesting at a micro level. You can strive to be more interesting -- either through adventure, or Making a Difference around you -- or you can just enjoy the simple things -- shared history, a good TV show, tasty dinner at a new restaurant -- and let your live take its course. Both are fine, can be shared, become the basis of My History/Our Life.
posted by acm at 9:16 AM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by acm at 9:16 AM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have a 2 part solution
Do interesting things together so you have stuff to talk about. When our rut starts to feel boring and not comfortable we do anything from going to see a weird movie so we can bitch about it over coffee later to going hiking (we don't hike we are very indoorsy), to starting to play d&d together once a week.
Also do interesting things apart. So that when you get back together you have something to talk about. This also includes cutting back on texting and twittering and social mediaing each other all day, if you've already told him on the phone/facebook/IM what interesting things have happened to you of course you have nothing to talk about when you get together.
posted by wwax at 9:27 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do interesting things together so you have stuff to talk about. When our rut starts to feel boring and not comfortable we do anything from going to see a weird movie so we can bitch about it over coffee later to going hiking (we don't hike we are very indoorsy), to starting to play d&d together once a week.
Also do interesting things apart. So that when you get back together you have something to talk about. This also includes cutting back on texting and twittering and social mediaing each other all day, if you've already told him on the phone/facebook/IM what interesting things have happened to you of course you have nothing to talk about when you get together.
posted by wwax at 9:27 AM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
And I am boring, I go to work, clean, read metafilter, the usual. I'm happy this way, but it's not interesting.
You keep announcing this as if it is some sort of relationship flaw. It is not. Most of us are this way, and we plod along merrily in our very dull relationships.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:30 AM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
You keep announcing this as if it is some sort of relationship flaw. It is not. Most of us are this way, and we plod along merrily in our very dull relationships.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:30 AM on July 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Part of this might actually stem from not being in healthy relationships before this one.
I am in a really healthy relationship now after leaving a really abusive relationship nine months ago, which I was in for three years. My new boyfriend is so nice to me - he thinks of me, he does nice things for me, he is sweet and caring and kind... and sometimes I get a tiny twinge like something is missing here.
You know what's missing? The abuse. The fights. The fear. The constant hum of someone else's desires in my head all day long. The worry. I call this "The Drama."
You know what I don't want? The Drama. But I'm so used to The Drama that this new, calm, happy - so happy - relationship feels... off, somehow. It's good. It's great! It's spectacular! But it's also... different. Because something is missing. Thank the good lord that this thing is missing, because my life is so much better without it.
And I don't want The Drama. I don't crave The Drama. But I'm used to it. It feels weird when my boyfriend gets up, leaves the room wordlessly, and comes back holding a glass of water because I was coughing instead of coming back ready to hit me because my coughing was so annoying.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate what sounds like an incredibly good relationship. Boring is stable. Boring is good. Boring as you describe it is not even really boring - you sound like an interesting person with ideas and interests and hobbies. That's what is interesting. Quiet does not mean boring.
posted by sockermom at 10:19 AM on July 1, 2013 [7 favorites]
I am in a really healthy relationship now after leaving a really abusive relationship nine months ago, which I was in for three years. My new boyfriend is so nice to me - he thinks of me, he does nice things for me, he is sweet and caring and kind... and sometimes I get a tiny twinge like something is missing here.
You know what's missing? The abuse. The fights. The fear. The constant hum of someone else's desires in my head all day long. The worry. I call this "The Drama."
You know what I don't want? The Drama. But I'm so used to The Drama that this new, calm, happy - so happy - relationship feels... off, somehow. It's good. It's great! It's spectacular! But it's also... different. Because something is missing. Thank the good lord that this thing is missing, because my life is so much better without it.
And I don't want The Drama. I don't crave The Drama. But I'm used to it. It feels weird when my boyfriend gets up, leaves the room wordlessly, and comes back holding a glass of water because I was coughing instead of coming back ready to hit me because my coughing was so annoying.
Be kind to yourself as you navigate what sounds like an incredibly good relationship. Boring is stable. Boring is good. Boring as you describe it is not even really boring - you sound like an interesting person with ideas and interests and hobbies. That's what is interesting. Quiet does not mean boring.
posted by sockermom at 10:19 AM on July 1, 2013 [7 favorites]
Nthing - Go do stuff. There's lots of stuff almost everywhere that's free. They're having Bastille Day Waiter Race nearby, where waiters run around dressed in french waiter outfits with bottles and half filled glasses of water. Free. Awesome. There's a free kite festival an hour away later in the month. There's free Shakespeare in the park a short day trip away. There's a cavern we've never been to that has $10 tours. There's a band we just found playing nearby for $10 tomorrow night. The possibilities are endless. Do stuff.
posted by cnc at 2:06 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by cnc at 2:06 PM on July 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by parki at 9:40 PM on June 30, 2013 [1 favorite]