What do I do with these out of control sideburn things?

June 18, 2013 2:38 PM

If I was a guy, I would call them sideburns and shave them into submission. But I'm a 50 year old woman and they have turned into horrible wiry gray kinky bushy things and I don't know what to do. Stylists freak if I suggest shaving them. So, help.

The hair on my sideburns - the hair in front of my ears if that's not quite the right word - has gone over the last few years from being hair like the rest of the hair on my head to something more akin to eyebrows or pubic hair. The hair on my head is wavy, fairly thick, a little longer than shoulder length and currently blazing red (IIRC it's kind of a dark dirty/strawberry blonde if left to itself but it hasn't been left to itself in, uh, a long time. A very long time.) It's fine. A little thinner than it used to be but nothing too terrible. The sideburns, on the other hand, are wild. There are lots of long hair tendrils growing from them and those tendrils are crazy wiry and white. They're really wiry; I tried holding them behind my ears with bobby pins but they escape immediately. They also shed dye really quickly, much faster than the rest of my hair, so they are now mostly really white. To top it off, I wear glasses, which seems to make them stand straight out like some kind of crazy muppet earbobs.

I keep thinking I should just shave them off altogether but the couple of hairdressers I have suggested this to are utterly horrified at the suggestion. Googling also suggests that this is a step people regret, plus I don't want to encourage them to grow back even worse. So I haven't done anything but they're driving me crazy. Is there anything I can do? Is there a way to condition them back into actual hair? One stylist said "Products" but this is singularly unhelpful. What kind of products? Please be specific, I missed that How to Be a Woman day at school where people learned makeup and hair tricks and stuff. Is there a way to cut them off without maybe shaving? Would that be weird? And what will happen if I just shave them? Will people point and laugh in the streets? Will I frighten the horses? I need a solution here - I'm tired of feeling like a muppet.

posted by mygothlaundry to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (36 answers total)

This is not a problem to which "products" is the answer. This is a problem to which "waxing" is the answer. You can go to a salon, and they will charge you less than an eyebrow wax to do this. Or, you can do it at home with Veet: dab Vaseline on your actual hairline so the Veet does not stick to it, rub on, rip off. You may want to cut the strips down in size, but it will work well.

PS: No, you really do not want to shave any facial hair, because the regrowth will be stubbly.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:42 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

If the hair wasn't white, I'd suggest laser hair removal, but since it's white, waxing is the way to go. It'll grow back, but it'll grow in white, so it won't look like stubble nearly as much as dark hair would. Just keep waxing if you want it gone.
posted by juniperesque at 2:48 PM on June 18, 2013

Best answer: From my read of this, it seems you are asking about the hair that's supposed to be there, not the hair that would be "unladylike" to have there, right? Like what comes down in front of your ears a bit, not something that's started growing down the side of your face, right?

In the latter case waxing would almost certainly be the answer, but I don't think you're talking about that. And the hairdressers are right, it would look pretty weird to have that area shaved, because that's how normal hair grows.

If it's just that the hair there has gone crazy for some reason, I unfortunately don't really know what to tell you. I have thick, thick hair that I used to have reasonably long, and every once in a while a few strands would go all kinky coarse like that. My solution was to work 100% cocoa butter into the crazy areas. It made them softer and a little more compliant.
posted by phunniemee at 2:49 PM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

Shaving will not make them grow thicker and it's not a horrifying option. I know a number of women who shave their facial hair because of intolerance to waxing. You could either shave them and keep a close eye on the stubble, or another DIY option is removal by waxing or plucking.

If you want a truly permanent solution, electrolysis is what you're looking for.
posted by quince at 2:50 PM on June 18, 2013

Some suggestions:
Non-permanent methods: threading, waxing, depilatory (like Nair)
Permanent methods, but may take a few treatments: laser or electrolysis.
posted by Snazzy67 at 3:03 PM on June 18, 2013

If your stylists say it would be a bad idea to shave them, you should probably listen to that. I'd suggest trimming them, so you can thin them out and shape them, rather than just shaving them off. Also, what kind of dye are using? Have you tried one of those Just For Men deals, where you just comb it into your facial hair? Those should last you a week at least, and it's only a minor annoyance to keep up with.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:07 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, I have that too, although mine are aggressively wispy such that I look like a startled dandelion. I solve this problem with elastic headbands, which look exactly like elastic hair ties, only larger. Goody makes them and they're like $2.99 per 10 pack or something.
posted by elizardbits at 3:14 PM on June 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Also, when I get a fancy salon blow-out, the stylist puts a tiny bit of product on them and then blows them out over a little bitty round brush, which makes them flat and silky and encourages them to blend better with the rest of my hair.
posted by elizardbits at 3:16 PM on June 18, 2013

From my read of this, it seems you are asking about the hair that's supposed to be there, not the hair that would be "unladylike" to have there, right? Like what comes down in front of your ears a bit, not something that's started growing down the side of your face, right?

From my read of the OP - and I may be projecting here! - she's asking about the very fine hair that normally grows at the hairline there - a kind of delicate peach fuzz. Except that for at least some of us, as we age (I'm looking at you, 40) random hairs in there can radically change texture and colour (thick, wiry, kinky and dark has been my experience.) And, the peach fuzz itself can perceptibly darken.

So, yup, I wax mine!
posted by DarlingBri at 3:20 PM on June 18, 2013

I wax my crazy muppet earbobs(thanks for the chortle, that's perfectly descriptive). I have tried the chemical hair depilatories and while immediately satisfying, the upkeep is a PITA. Threading that area is quite painful, but produces the same effect as the waxing. The upkeep of shaving is too much for me to even consider.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 3:24 PM on June 18, 2013

Wax! Or if it's just a few weird little white ones, pluck em out with tweezers (might take awhile to get them all the first time but then you can just do upkeep). You can go to a nail salon to have them waxed or just get some at-home Sally Hansen wax from the pharmacy (the kind marketed eyebrows/face).
posted by amaire at 4:04 PM on June 18, 2013

I'd wax, but it's not a big deal to shave, if you do it every single time you take a show or wash your face. Waxing discourages regrowth.
posted by Ideefixe at 4:12 PM on June 18, 2013

I pluck 'em. Makes a great hobby!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 4:37 PM on June 18, 2013

Shaving doesn't make things grow back worse. I wash my face in the shower every day, which makes shaving under my chin really cheap, fast, easy, and effective. I would give it a try. At least make sure your stylist wasn't reflexively horrified at the idea of a lady shaving outside of practcal concern
posted by bleep at 5:11 PM on June 18, 2013

WAX!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:28 PM on June 18, 2013

Response by poster: Ack! I have described this badly. phunniemee has it - this isn't extra hair that I didn't have before at the hairline, this is hair that's always been there but just gone crazy. So if I wax it, I will have no hair in front of my ears at all. A lot of the hair is quite long, just as long as the rest of my hair. I will attempt a horrific self portrait (it's past time that I gave up any hope of ever dating through metafilter anyway) to demonstrate.

And lo. Not the clearest but you can sort of see the long gray fu manchu wisps of hair on either side of my face. That is what I am talking about. Wax those? All of them?
posted by mygothlaundry at 6:12 PM on June 18, 2013

Best answer: I have very curly hair, and that sideburn area doesn't ever lay down right. So I trim mine with scissors. The pieces of hair that fall in front of my ears I just trim short (I line up the scissors with that little knobby part of my ear in front of my earhole) and then just trim until it looks OK. Since it's short it doesn't stand out (and I don't shave them...it's like I have a short haircut there) and it's much easier for me to deal with. My hairdresser doesn't even bat an eye or mess with them...I just do it on my own.
posted by MultiFaceted at 6:14 PM on June 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

Those things are exactly what I trim short! Pretend you have a pixie haircut and imagine what they would look like. Short! Start slow and don't cut your skin. If it all goes downhill you can still wax or shave.
posted by MultiFaceted at 6:16 PM on June 18, 2013

I think they would look kind of nice if they weren't such a different color from the surrounding hair. If the lower parts of the same hair are colored, maybe un-color them. If not, could you cultivate some nearby locks to be white/grayer? It could look really lovely, I think, based on your photo.
posted by amtho at 6:23 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: i don't think you want to shave/wax those. i would try taming them with leave in conditioner of some kind and see if that helps them lay flat(ter). if you're willing to try Product, give a light pomade a try (i love how bumble and bumble's sumotech smells, but there's cheaper options in the drugstore). just get something you like the smell of. you don't want a gel or a hair spray in this instance, something more moldable i think.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:23 PM on June 18, 2013

I have a few of these. I pluck or epilate. It takes very little time and doesn't hurt much, though I recommend putting in earplugs if you epilate.
posted by windykites at 6:45 PM on June 18, 2013

Please disregard my comment, OP, I didn't see your update. I think your wispies look fine but you could put a little gel in them and wrap them quickly around a curling iron to give them some wave. Make sure they get lotsa conditioner.
posted by windykites at 6:52 PM on June 18, 2013

I might try to thin them rather than actually shave ... shaving will (probably) leave a really abrupt line that the mens are usually trying to make perfectly symmetrical, whereas, I think you want the areas to fade from fuzzier to less fuzzy as you get closer to the 'endpoint' (right about where the earlobe is attached to the face). My hairdresser has a pair of scissors that does this (to my bangs), and I guess you could use a razor to 'drag along' the length of a strand (so that some stays and some goes), but for myself I would probably try the scissors first.
I'm also in my fifties ... even this peach-fuzz has gotten overmuch (really hate to have the sun behind my back!) Not to mention the occasional *stiffy* (usually white! sometimes black!) on the chin/elsewhere. In addition to plucking the beast-y ones, I use a pretty lame product called MicroTouch (sorry no link but one of those "As Seen on TV!!" products) which also might work for you at the fringes, at least. It does mellow out the peach fuzz without actually shaving, and there is a mild stubble on day two.
My bestie just did a "full-face" wax, which she claims to love. I'm not so sure about the upkeep, though, too expensive for me, anyway.
Oh! I just saw your update and definitely think you should thin them, though, no more!
posted by bebrave! at 6:53 PM on June 18, 2013

I have them styled into pointy triangles, ending at mid ear. My stylist has a technique where he uses the razor to shape them down so that you can see them but they're close cut down. The rest down the side of the cheek he just removes.

Kind of like what multifaceted said above.
posted by infini at 8:34 PM on June 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Oh! Derp. Disregard previous advice on waxing.

You can try some serious deep-conditioning to try and get the texture to loosen up a bit, but if you just want it to lie flat temporarily, you might want to consider picking up a small flat-iron. It will make quick work of the coarse curlies. The rest of your hair looks wavy, so once you've flattened, you can do a quick clip with alligator clips and spray to give it some bend if desired, like a mini pin curl.
posted by juniperesque at 8:35 PM on June 18, 2013

I get some wiry curly hairs in my muppet earlobs, and I pluck them. Over time they seem to get thinner. In the meantime, a little gel would tame them.
posted by theora55 at 8:43 PM on June 18, 2013

Best answer: My mom always called those little bits of hair your elf-locks.

I'd trim them or thin them a little bit, then use a light oil as suggested above. You can try John Freida Frizz-ease, but honestly, some coconut oil would probably work better.

Grey hair doesn't take color well because the cuticle is much thicker than your other hair (hence its wiry texture). You can lift the cuticle layer a bit of you do a 20% peroxide treatment first; basically bleach it a little to damage it, then color with your box stuff.
posted by Specklet at 8:44 PM on June 18, 2013

Mine are dense and waxing leaves the abrupt line that bebrave! mentions. My solution has been to grow out the top 3/4" or so to be long enough to loosely tuck behind my ears, then shave underneath every couple of weeks. I feel like the tuck-back masks the regrowth and is a little more graceful, but I may not be fooling anyone but myself.

Threaded the area once and never again - elsewhere I'm fine with threading, but my goodness that spot was painful for days - it was like I had extra-sensitive phantom whiskers there until it grew back.
posted by sweet Annie Rich at 8:48 PM on June 18, 2013

Is hair in front of your ears necessary? I have a bit, but it doesn't go down very far at all. If you did want to remove it, I would recommend shaving it, or if it's growing back too quickly or you can still see it, electrolysis. Otherwise, maybe try to use a flat iron to get it under control? Chi brand/ceramic flat irons are supposed to be good.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:44 PM on June 18, 2013

I have these annoying Dagwood Bumstead bits of hair where my ears begin. I just use hairpins to tuck them under my other hair.
posted by wintersweet at 10:10 PM on June 18, 2013

Best answer: It's really common for your hair to start going grey/white at the temples above your ears first and it's also really common for those hairs to be wiry and thick and sticky-outy. Personally I'm lucky in that, while my numerous white hairs are also very thick and very crazy, they are spread across my head so aren't in clumps (as yet). My mother and sister however, both just like yours. The good news is it's probably going to spread backwards into the rest of your hair.

For my family the solution is really harsh permanent hair dye. I find it softens the hairs a lot making them more like the rest (probably by damaging the hair but who cares) and the colour hides the white while it lasts. But I need to leave the dye on a long time and I need to redye the roots/white bits pretty often, much more often than before I started going grey. I don't get this done at a salon but instead do it at home with salon-level permanent dye that I buy at a hairdresser supply store. That way I can really blast those bits that need it. My Mum also has her hair styled so those bits are thinned and cut shorter, so they're more kind of whispy rather than clumpy, and that helps a lot for her. Whereas my sister has the whole lot long and wears it forwards so you don't see those parts so much plus her hair is really heavily and regularly dyed to cover it up.

Given these are part of your normal hairline and are going to expand over time I don't think pulling them out or cutting them off is going to be a sustainable solution. And no amount of product will counteract that wiry whiteness. You need to figure out some kind of way to dye them into submission.
posted by shelleycat at 1:14 AM on June 19, 2013

Best answer: You can lift the cuticle layer a bit of you do a 20% peroxide treatment first; basically bleach it a little to damage it, then color with your box stuff.

Oh yes, this is what I do too by the way. I'm going from quite dark brown to more dark brown so peroxide isn't necessary for the colour per se, but it makes a big difference to getting it to stick. In my case the peroxide is part of the dying process but it will vary depending on what you use. I have much better results now I've stopped using box dyes from the pharmacy and started mixing up my own.

I also meant to say my Mum's hair was like yours twenty years ago but now it's mostly all white. It's actually a lot easier for her to deal with because the texture is even all over so she can get it cut to suit that and she doesn't have to dye it as often any more, just a rinse or some light bleaching to lift and even out the colour. It's this in between stage that's the worst.
posted by shelleycat at 1:20 AM on June 19, 2013

Best answer: That is what I am talking about. Wax those? All of them?

Oh, no, I would dye those.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:07 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm in the camp of trying a trim first (I used to have short hair, and I had very pleasing sideburns trimmed close to my cheek), which might be enough, if they lie down enough to make the color unobtrusive. Then a tailored dye approach second (men's facial hair approach, or the two-step dye advocated above). Product may help at any step, but I suspect not enough to make you unselfconscious.
posted by acm at 7:35 AM on June 19, 2013

Can't you just tuck them behind your ears? I think they look weird in your photo largely because they're in front of your ears and under the side pieces of your glasses, rather than because they're white. I'd think they look weird worn they way you have them even if they weren't white. Tuck 'em in!
posted by kestrel251 at 9:46 AM on June 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I keep trying to tuck them in but they won't stay - that is actually why I wrote this question and I quote: They're really wiry; I tried holding them behind my ears with bobby pins but they escape immediately. And yeah, I try to make them blend in as much as possible, the picture is for illustration of the issue only - I don't actually wear my hair like that.

Thanks everyone for the help! I think I will try dying them into submission and if that doesn't do the trick, then it's off to the scissors for a short haircut on the sides.
posted by mygothlaundry at 2:25 PM on June 19, 2013