Depressed father, mother miserable too - what can we adult children do?
May 18, 2013 9:14 AM   Subscribe

My dad, in his 60s, seems to be depressed. He is deeply unhappy and anxious, and he's also become angry and bitter to the point of a total personality change, mostly with my mum. She is miserable, and me and my siblings are so worried about both of them, especially because Dad refuses to get any help or even have a conversation about this. What, if anything, can we do here?

Apologies in advance for the length of this; I'm having trouble even parsing the situation inside my own head. For info, me and my two siblings (late 20s/early 30s) live some distance away from our parents; brother #1 is literally on the other side of the world, me and brother #2 are closer but still several hours' travel away from them. We're in the UK. Parents have been married 30+ years.

My dad lost his job three years ago. It was a really awful situation - he had worked for the same small company in a struggling industry for decades, but it went into administration, was bought over by another company, and the new managers put them through hell (the details of which would take up a whole other question, but trust me, it was bad). After six months of this, my usually stoic, unrattleable dad was sitting in the car crying every morning. He was signed off work with stress by his doctor, and offered a redundancy payment from the company, which he took. I know this was really hard for him - he'd got through a lot of stressful years in that job by being determined to stick it out and keep the company going until he retired, and watching most of his friends there get laid off one by one was horrendous. He also comes from quite a traditional background and was always the main breadwinner, so losing that role had to be tough. They had my mum's job, though, and after a few months my dad got a part-time job at a friend's small business, doing something totally different, which until recently he seemed to enjoy.

We were all really worried about him at the time he lost his old job. The doctor gave him antidepressants, which he took but didn't like (said they just made him sleepy). But just the act of speaking to the doctor, a man he has a lot of respect for, seemed to help. His friends pulled together for him, his family supported him all we could, and he did seem to be getting better. Still not himself, still sort of shell-shocked and quieter than he used to be, but at least seeing the positive side of things again and doing things that made him happy.

Over the last year or so, though, things have been getting worse. I suspected this was the case, but only found out how bad it was fairly recently, after brother #2 visited my parents and was shocked at the change in him. He is miserable all the time now, interspersed with being angry - at my mum, at my brothers, at all the friends he thinks are forcing him to go out and do things. He thinks all the people he knows have got better lives than he has, and if he even bumps into someone he knows will come home ranting and raving about how miserable his life is compared to theirs (in terms of everything in his life being against him, not in terms of acknowledging he is ill and needs help). He's stopped seeing most of his friends, stopped going along to his hobbies. He goes to work, comes home, eats and then goes to sleep. He must be sleeping about 12 hours a day.

He's also convinced he's in serious financial trouble. My parents aren't as well-off as they were before he lost the job, but they're doing okay. I'm assured of this by both my mum and brother #2, who sat down with my parents and a spreadsheet to look at all their finances for them last time he was home - the mortgage on their house is paid off, they're paying off one credit card which will take them another couple of months, but after that they can start saving again, and they're in no financial difficulty at the moment. My dad refuses to believe this. He wants to sell the house and sell all their belongings (including things like his music system, which used to bring him so much joy), and regularly - as in daily - criticises my mum for everything they've ever spent money on, because as he sees it they wouldn't be in this situation now if they hadn't done that kitchen renovation in 1996. My mum's reassurances don't help, my brother showing him the figures didn't help, suggesting that he sees a financial adviser doesn't help ("what's a financial adviser going to tell me that I don't already know?"), even getting someone who borrowed money off him to send him evidence that he was paying it back didn't help (he refused to look at the email). He's just convinced of this.

He also gets angry or annoyed with my mum for, well, pretty much everything as far as I can tell. Recently he complained that their bedroom was too full of clothes. She spent the morning sorting through the clothes, and taking about half of them to a charity shop - and then when she got home, he complained that looking at the bedroom wasn't any use at all when what she really needed to do was sort through the coats in the porch, why do we even have so many it's ridiculous. He alternately complains that she spends too much time cleaning the house, and that the house is not clean enough. He does nothing around the house any more, no housework or gardening or anything - he is either at work, asleep, or following my mum around complaining about what she's doing wrong.

He refuses to go out with her to see their friends, and refuses to let her have friends over. Any time she tries talking to him about how worried she is or how upset she is, he gets angry and says there's nothing wrong with him and everyone else, particularly her, is just making him miserable. He doesn't even see most of his friends any more, and the ones he is still speaking to, he won't speak to when my mum can overhear. He even got someone to help him put a lock on his phone, so she can't see any of his calls or messages (my parents have always treated their phones as pretty much interchangeable). All he'll tell her is that his friends are looking out for a flat for him to move into. My mum was sobbing on the phone telling me all of this. She's a really sweet, gentle person, and she's just been trying to "make things as easy for him as possible so he'll have less stress", but no matter what she does he gets angry with her.

He acts a little more normal over the phone with me and my brothers, but not enough that we haven't spotted a problem. I tried speaking to him last time I visited to tell him I was worried, and it was just impossible - he just switched the conversation into complaining about my mum, my brothers, one of the dogs (he has developed a totally irrational hatred for one, but only one, of the dogs - the other he still loves, I have no idea what this is about). Literally like this:
"Dad, I'm really worried about you. You seem so unhappy."
"Well I've told your mum she shouldn't have painted the bathroom, she just won't listen to me."
"It's not about the bathroom, Dad, it's about you. You're just so different, you yell at everyone, you don't even seem interested in any of us any more, it's not like you."
"Well you're just saying that because I don't like the stupid dog."
"It's not about the dog, Dad. It's about you. You're not yourself, nothing makes you happy, you don't even seem to want to speak to any of your children any more, we're worried."
"Well this is just the way I am and you'll have to get used to it."

I know how awful he sounds from all this, I really do. But, honestly, this is not the father I've known all my life - the kind and gentle and thoughtful and generous father who was totally devoted to my mum and to us kids. I don't even know this man he's become. I know depression can have this effect on people - and I do think he's depressed - but God it's hard. I'm torn between being seriously, seriously worried about him, and wanting to yell at him for making my mum so miserable.

After much begging from me, my mum has agreed to make a doctor's appointment for him with the doctor he liked before, although she's doubtful he'll agree to go and is worried that he'll just get angry at her for making it. I've suggested that if he refuses to go, she should go instead. I don't really know what to do beyond that point, although me and brother #2 are discussing both of us visiting to try and talk to him in person, with brother #1 beaming in via Skype, and see if we can get him to at least understand how worried we are and how serious this is. I don't think even that will work, though.

Is there anything we can do? How do you get someone help if they absolutely refuse to listen to you? Is there a chance he'll come out of this on his own, at least enough to see how bad this is? We're all so worried, and it's breaking our hearts.
posted by smockpuppet to Human Relations (12 answers total)
 
Your father is mentally ill. He needs help from a professional. In the UK the simplest way is for the next of kin to see his GP and tell them about the illness and his refusal to seek help. The GP can take whatever steps are necessary to help you father recover. If your GP is unable or unwilling to help I would ask for advice from the local MIND branch. Good luck.
posted by BenPens at 9:33 AM on May 18, 2013 [7 favorites]


Your mother should definitely go to the doctor's appointment (therapist?) if he doesn't end up going. She really needs to take care of her own mental well being.

In the end, you can only accept what other people choose to do. If your father continues to ignore everyone's concern for his well being, she's going to need help with that.

I'm sorry you're going through this :(
posted by readygo at 9:35 AM on May 18, 2013 [2 favorites]


'Irritability' is a sign of depression. He needs professional help, but it's not easy to force someone to get help. Your Mom should get help, and if he seems to be abusing her, she may be able to force him into treatment. In any case, she needs support. People are telling him what's wrong, and what he should do. Try asking him what he wants, and being really persistent about asking him. He seems to have forgotten how to look forward because he's so busy looking back. I'm so sorry your family is going through this.
posted by theora55 at 10:02 AM on May 18, 2013


Along with the mental health evaluation, make sure his brain is getting checked out too. It's my understanding that a lot of brain conditions (tumors, undetected strokes, etc) show up as abrupt personality changes. Worth checking out, anyway. I'm sorry that your family is going through this, but it can be a blessing for your mom that together she and your dad raised caring, responsible children to help support her through all the mess.
posted by theweasel at 10:07 AM on May 18, 2013 [3 favorites]


That was my first thought as well - this sounds like it could be something other than depression, such as early signs of Alzheimer's. (Irritability to cover for confused moments, bringing up irrelevant old things, etc.) Or it could be (or be exacerbated by) some physical condition that affects personality - eg diabetes. If you can get him in for a general physical, have your mom speak to the doctor about these sharp personality changes.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:16 AM on May 18, 2013 [5 favorites]


Is he still taking anti-depressants? Is he being monitored about those? Sometimes they can backfire and have the opposite effect. He should also really be seeing a psychiatrist and not the family doctor about them if possible.
posted by Dynex at 10:34 AM on May 18, 2013


This sounds like something beyond depression to me as well, although IANAD. While your father's doctor cannot communicate with you, you can communicate with him or her. I would ask your mother when the appointment is, and send the doctor a letter stating your father's appointment day and time, and basically your original post here.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:42 AM on May 18, 2013 [1 favorite]


First things first, he needs to get to the doctor (and probably more than one) asap.

me and brother #2 are discussing both of us visiting to try and talk to him in person, with brother #1 beaming in via Skype

I would do this if he refuses to go. As to the conversation itself, I would seek the advice of a mental health professional or support group on how to broach the subject. And if your mom can begin attending this support group, even better.

Then, I would have a "rehearsal" with Brothers #1 and #2, and maybe even your mom, as she can predict better than anyone the types of responses he'll give. Have a game plan on how you will re-direct the conversation, in case he tries to steer it away. At the very least, I think it will help remind your mom that, even though you all live far away, she is not going through this alone.

Very sorry you are going through this:-(
posted by invisible ink at 1:25 PM on May 18, 2013


A LOT of your description rang true for my experince with my husband last year. He had already been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety for several years and I thought the escalation in negative emotions and irrational rage directed at me was related to those illnesses. In my husband's case, the severe problems he was having (and that in his mind did not even exist because everything was of course all MY fault) were actually due to late stage untreated diabetes affecting his cognition and emotions. There are many physical illnesses that manifest in symptoms resembling mental illnesses (and are often co-morbid).

If I were you I would contact your father's doctor and provide a written summary of the actions and behaviour you have experienced. And follow it up with a phone call where you can ask what steps the doctor recommends you take. Is this also your mother's doctor? You should be encouraging her to talk to her doctor for coping strategies as well.

Please do something to offer support to your mother - can she have a holiday or a weekend away with one of you to get away from the abuse? Or book her a weekend B&B with a good friend (your treat because otherwise it gives your father another reason to rant at her). You need to offer her on-going practical support NOW before you have two parents near the breaking point. Please also let her know that if he refuses to seek help for his abusive and destructive behaviour then the healthy thing for her to do is save herself and leave and that she will recieve no negative judgement for that but only loving support.

I hope you can find the help your family needs.
posted by saucysault at 1:46 PM on May 18, 2013 [6 favorites]


Great advice here, especially from Saucysault on making sure to help your mom out in all this. She definitely needs to act to protect her own well being, and anything you can do to help her would be great.

I'm also an animal lover, so I also fixated on the situation of the second dog--I hope your father is not being horrible towards the poor animal. While I feel for your dad in this situation, being ill is not a license to mistreat innocent family members of any species.

Very sorry this is happening to all of you.
posted by rpfields at 2:41 PM on May 18, 2013


I also get the impression that this is more than depression. When my own dad was acting this way, he was diagnosed with high blood pressure. He has been a lot less angry and stressed since he has been taking medication for this.
posted by veids at 9:58 AM on May 19, 2013


It could be depression, high blood pressure, or dementia--or something else. He needs to see a doctor. This has to be taken care of. You need to be very active in getting help for him, even to the point of commitment if necessary.

Don't let your mother go through this type of agony, or you're going to have a second depression/stress illness on your hands.
posted by BlueHorse at 3:48 PM on November 11, 2013


« Older Garmin-compatible bike training schedule for a...   |   Jumping ship to Android (Google's S4) and need a... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.