Why is my heart so bent out of shape?
May 3, 2013 9:22 AM Subscribe
I went on two dates with a guy and we clicked so hard. I ended it because he's recently separated from his wife and I'm moving out of state. WHY do I feel so torn up? It's only been two dates!
I asked this guy out a few weeks ago. He told me up front that he has been separated from his wife for one month, she is in the process of moving out, and she is dating another woman. We connected so well and ended up talking like old friends for 6 hours. I got out of a relationship in December and this is my first foray back into dating. I wanted to keep it casual, but I really liked this guy and I know he was surprised at how strongly we connected too.
Then I got an interview for a job I applied to out of state. It has been my plan to leave in the next few months which terrifies me as I've never lived out of state but I feel like it's something I owe myself to do. So after hanging out with this friend one more time I broke it off because I felt like I was really wanting to become close with him, but his recent breakup (and the normal roller coaster of emotion that comes with it) plus my impending move made it not in the cards. I know that I would not be happy with a more casual relationship with this guy. He was very very sad and we both lamented that we couldn't fast forward in time.
However I feel disproportionately shitty. I mean we went out twice! Im moving to a cool place with tons of awesome and more available guys. I can't figure out why I feel like this. I don't know if it's the excitement of meeting someone I connected with and the unfairness of the situation which forced me to make a decision that is the OPPPOSITE of what I really want to do, which is date him.
I talked to my friends who all gave the usual, you are awesome, there's other fish in the sea. But I don't want the other ones! Part of me wants to stay right here and wait it out with this guy, but I can't take a chance on it.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Looking at getting through the next few days feels impossibly sad. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I think what I'm looking for is reassurance that I did the right thing because I am not so sure.
I asked this guy out a few weeks ago. He told me up front that he has been separated from his wife for one month, she is in the process of moving out, and she is dating another woman. We connected so well and ended up talking like old friends for 6 hours. I got out of a relationship in December and this is my first foray back into dating. I wanted to keep it casual, but I really liked this guy and I know he was surprised at how strongly we connected too.
Then I got an interview for a job I applied to out of state. It has been my plan to leave in the next few months which terrifies me as I've never lived out of state but I feel like it's something I owe myself to do. So after hanging out with this friend one more time I broke it off because I felt like I was really wanting to become close with him, but his recent breakup (and the normal roller coaster of emotion that comes with it) plus my impending move made it not in the cards. I know that I would not be happy with a more casual relationship with this guy. He was very very sad and we both lamented that we couldn't fast forward in time.
However I feel disproportionately shitty. I mean we went out twice! Im moving to a cool place with tons of awesome and more available guys. I can't figure out why I feel like this. I don't know if it's the excitement of meeting someone I connected with and the unfairness of the situation which forced me to make a decision that is the OPPPOSITE of what I really want to do, which is date him.
I talked to my friends who all gave the usual, you are awesome, there's other fish in the sea. But I don't want the other ones! Part of me wants to stay right here and wait it out with this guy, but I can't take a chance on it.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Looking at getting through the next few days feels impossibly sad. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I think what I'm looking for is reassurance that I did the right thing because I am not so sure.
Best answer: This did happen to me. I met this guy at a Grateful Dead concert while my friend was tripping hard on acid. This guy was so cool. He was a jewlery designer and so sweet and nice. We too went out twice, and we connected on a lot of levels and the CHEMESTRY! But, he was moving to Sante Fe to pursue his art and I was staying in Silicon Valley. And that was it.
Sometimes the timing sucks. And after two dates, that's usually when you start to get bajiggity. But at the end of the day, you don't really know how this would work out.
One thing you've done was to freeze this relationship in crystal, it will always be at this perfect point in time. You never know, if you gave it a week more, you may have found out that this guy isn't ready to date because he's not done grieving for his marriage. He may have found your habit of wiping down the counters every hour unbearable. You just don't know.
You ARE doing the right thing. You had these plans before you met him, and they were right for you. There ARE plenty of fish in the sea, but use this experience as a lesson. In your next relationship, don't settle for anything less than this feeling of connection.
You will get over and rather quickly. I find that these things fade. Concentrate on your move and your new life, and I promise you, everything will turn out exactly like it should.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:34 AM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Sometimes the timing sucks. And after two dates, that's usually when you start to get bajiggity. But at the end of the day, you don't really know how this would work out.
One thing you've done was to freeze this relationship in crystal, it will always be at this perfect point in time. You never know, if you gave it a week more, you may have found out that this guy isn't ready to date because he's not done grieving for his marriage. He may have found your habit of wiping down the counters every hour unbearable. You just don't know.
You ARE doing the right thing. You had these plans before you met him, and they were right for you. There ARE plenty of fish in the sea, but use this experience as a lesson. In your next relationship, don't settle for anything less than this feeling of connection.
You will get over and rather quickly. I find that these things fade. Concentrate on your move and your new life, and I promise you, everything will turn out exactly like it should.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:34 AM on May 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
FWIW I think you made a good choice. 1 month separated from a marriage =/= ready to date.
When I went through my most recent break up, I was holding on for a looong time (or so I thought, comparative to the 3 moths we had dated). It helped to remind myself that I wasn't only mourning that relationship - I was sad over the loss of the idea of everything we could've been together. I had so many possibilities of "us" running through my head that I wasn't always focusing on the reality of our obstacles/the reasons it didn't work out in the first place.
The other thing that really helped me, and this is so cheesy to admit, was a line from Eat Pray Love. When I thought about him & became sad, missed him, whatever... I focused on sending him all my good feelings, and then I let everything go. At first that wasn't easy. Over time, though, it really helped my attitude! Now I can think of him and smile (rather than feel the pain of a loss), and I genuinely wish him well.
Good luck!!
posted by fireandthud at 9:35 AM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
When I went through my most recent break up, I was holding on for a looong time (or so I thought, comparative to the 3 moths we had dated). It helped to remind myself that I wasn't only mourning that relationship - I was sad over the loss of the idea of everything we could've been together. I had so many possibilities of "us" running through my head that I wasn't always focusing on the reality of our obstacles/the reasons it didn't work out in the first place.
The other thing that really helped me, and this is so cheesy to admit, was a line from Eat Pray Love. When I thought about him & became sad, missed him, whatever... I focused on sending him all my good feelings, and then I let everything go. At first that wasn't easy. Over time, though, it really helped my attitude! Now I can think of him and smile (rather than feel the pain of a loss), and I genuinely wish him well.
Good luck!!
posted by fireandthud at 9:35 AM on May 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Okay, I looked at your prior posts and saw that the relationship that ended in December was with your fiance, so I'm gonna hypothesize that the emotions you're feeling right now don't have much to do with this guy (who you barely know, and who is married), but are you still processing the end of your last relationship (which is still very recent).
posted by Asparagus at 9:36 AM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Asparagus at 9:36 AM on May 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
People are designed to do this. That is your body telling you that it wants to make babies more than it is anything to do with chemistry or love or anything magical, or anything to do with this guy at all. It'll pass after a little while. He's just not available, it's not the end of the world.
posted by empath at 9:37 AM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 9:37 AM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hello emotions!!!
Asking our emotions to be rational is a bit silly really, if emotions were reasonable, we'd be pretty flat and dull(think vulcan if you are a geek).
To be honest, I think this is the best part of life, these random silly crushes and love affairs that go on in our heads.
I have a massive crush on someone I work with, I do not think we are very compatible, it probably would not work out, but WOW is there chemistry. I think I do it to make my life a bit more exciting.
So, what I am trying to say is, you did not lose anything here. You had a wonderful little flare up of passion and romance, revel in it. We dont have to control everything in our lives, we can just live and have these crazy inexplicable things happen and we can just roll with it because we are awesome flesh and blood humans and not golems or robots.
posted by jalitt at 9:42 AM on May 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
Asking our emotions to be rational is a bit silly really, if emotions were reasonable, we'd be pretty flat and dull(think vulcan if you are a geek).
To be honest, I think this is the best part of life, these random silly crushes and love affairs that go on in our heads.
I have a massive crush on someone I work with, I do not think we are very compatible, it probably would not work out, but WOW is there chemistry. I think I do it to make my life a bit more exciting.
So, what I am trying to say is, you did not lose anything here. You had a wonderful little flare up of passion and romance, revel in it. We dont have to control everything in our lives, we can just live and have these crazy inexplicable things happen and we can just roll with it because we are awesome flesh and blood humans and not golems or robots.
posted by jalitt at 9:42 AM on May 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
Best answer: You absolutely made the right choice. You have been planning to leave, a big step for you; it's natural to fight it a little, to think about succumbing to the temptation to stay because that's easier, that's what you know. This guy represented another potential root to the place you are going to leave.
Someone just getting out of a long, serious relationship - especially a marriage - often still has one foot in that old, dying relationship. Not to say that your guy or others like him are bad, or out to hurt you - just that a big transition like that comes with a big emotional recalibration that should be done solo. The first love interest you stumble across after turmoil like that can represent the feeling "wow - even though this big thing failed, I'm not going to end up alone." I suspect the combination of his feelings along those lines and your fear of impending big change was the perfect recipe for the intense connection you describe.
I went through something similar recently (three-month super intense connection with a guy fresh out of a four-year relationship; I am moving in August) and I broke it off, too. It was the right thing to do for many reasons. Good job, and good luck with your next adventure.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 9:43 AM on May 3, 2013
Someone just getting out of a long, serious relationship - especially a marriage - often still has one foot in that old, dying relationship. Not to say that your guy or others like him are bad, or out to hurt you - just that a big transition like that comes with a big emotional recalibration that should be done solo. The first love interest you stumble across after turmoil like that can represent the feeling "wow - even though this big thing failed, I'm not going to end up alone." I suspect the combination of his feelings along those lines and your fear of impending big change was the perfect recipe for the intense connection you describe.
I went through something similar recently (three-month super intense connection with a guy fresh out of a four-year relationship; I am moving in August) and I broke it off, too. It was the right thing to do for many reasons. Good job, and good luck with your next adventure.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 9:43 AM on May 3, 2013
check your memail.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on May 3, 2013
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:58 AM on May 3, 2013
Best answer: You know, I get my heart broken really easily after forming intense connections with people, even if we only date briefly. It's kind of nice, because I think it shows that I'm not cynical about love yet - I can have these extraordinary flashes of planning/hope/dreaming that are unrealistic but deeply felt.
There's a relevant Tolstoy quotation that I like a lot: "Only those who can love strongly can experience an overwhelming grief. Yet their very need of loving sometimes serves to throw off their grief from them and to save them."
posted by superlibby at 12:15 PM on May 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
There's a relevant Tolstoy quotation that I like a lot: "Only those who can love strongly can experience an overwhelming grief. Yet their very need of loving sometimes serves to throw off their grief from them and to save them."
posted by superlibby at 12:15 PM on May 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'm experiencing something similar right now actually except Ive already made a bunch of life changes, including moving to a new city, and met a guy i really liked/ same thing about it being like old friends but i think he lost interest and it has caused me more anxiety than is usual. I wonder if your case is also a bit of nerves about the other big things you're doing that is mingling in with this to make you feel more strongly than otherwise? I think it could be a case of nerves and then adding emotion in kind of makes it take a life of its own. Unfortunately I don't have any advice for how to deal with that because I am also trying to figure it out. The only thing I decided to do is not pursue dating until my life is a bit more stable.
posted by fromageball at 12:46 PM on May 3, 2013
posted by fromageball at 12:46 PM on May 3, 2013
Best answer: Consider that your attachment to this man may be an expression of your clinging to your current location, which you've already said you're terrified of leaving.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:49 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:49 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
you may be so drawn to him because he is unavailable. first, he's married and second, you are moving away. so, your imagination goes into overdrive telling you you are missing out on something great. chances are the guy is a mess and it wouldn't work out even if he weren't still married because you are moving. and vice versa. when something appears to have potential but is out of reach it is easy to get caught up thinking "it would be so great if only..."
posted by wildflower at 3:46 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by wildflower at 3:46 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
Chemistry can be at its most intense when there are elements of unavailability.
He's unavailable because he's still married and you're moving. You're unavailable because you're moving.
He may be generally drawn to unavailable women -- there's some evidence that he is, if he married a woman who's actually gay. It may be worth looking at your own romantic history to see if you have a tendency to be drawn to unavailable men.
You're doing the right thing by moving. You may also want to read up a bit on attachment theory just to see if it offers anything that rings true to you.
posted by pocketfullofrye at 4:38 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
He's unavailable because he's still married and you're moving. You're unavailable because you're moving.
He may be generally drawn to unavailable women -- there's some evidence that he is, if he married a woman who's actually gay. It may be worth looking at your own romantic history to see if you have a tendency to be drawn to unavailable men.
You're doing the right thing by moving. You may also want to read up a bit on attachment theory just to see if it offers anything that rings true to you.
posted by pocketfullofrye at 4:38 PM on May 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
The feelings you have probably have very little to do with him in reality. If you take a hit of some drug, of course it feels awesome even though it's destroying you. These feelings are probably because you get this feeling of who he might be like and dating is a chore so youre bedazzled by someone you think you connect with. but It doesn't really mean anything unless he completely reciprocates in an open and honest way, and communicates without ambivalence that he feels that way too. Otherwise, it's just a fantasy unfolding in your head that you haven't articulated to yourself yet.
But he probably doesn't feel the same way. Yes, it's hard to meet people. Yes, romcoms like to make it seem like overcoming obstacles to find true love is a real turn on. But the truth is is that he is really messed up and in a messed up
situation. So red flags. Do not pass go.
posted by discopolo at 6:37 PM on May 3, 2013
But he probably doesn't feel the same way. Yes, it's hard to meet people. Yes, romcoms like to make it seem like overcoming obstacles to find true love is a real turn on. But the truth is is that he is really messed up and in a messed up
situation. So red flags. Do not pass go.
posted by discopolo at 6:37 PM on May 3, 2013
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And then usually the other shoe drops and that little scenario needs to be editing and rewritten.
posted by thank you silence at 9:27 AM on May 3, 2013 [16 favorites]